Chastity

Promoting the Virtue of Chastity

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Waiting for Purity

Dear Madam,

You probably don’t remember me. We met at the Louisiana March for Life—let’s say, between
five and ten years ago. At the end I saw a very pretty thin lady with white hair—you—leaving
with one of the “I regret my abortion” signs.

Say something to her.

I heard the words very plainly in my head. I don’t know what to say, I argued. Talk to her, the
urge continued. I’ll probably say the wrong thing, I countered nervously. Talk to her!

It was getting very insistent as we were passing each other by. Finally I blurted out “Thank you
for being here.”

You stopped, turned around, and gave me a hug. Then you looked very intently into my eyes
and asked “Are you dating anyone?”

Interesting opening line. Ironically, I could literally look over your shoulder and see my very
recent ex boyfriend in the crowd behind you. The fact that he was there was one of the things I
really liked about him. That morning I had been crying my eyes out telling God “It’s not fair! I
finally meet a man with the right attitude about children, but he doesn’t have the right attitude
about women!”

“Nooo…” I answered you slowly, glancing sadly over your shoulder.

“When you are,” you continued with that same intensity, “bathe that relationship in prayer.”

Okay, call out number one. In all of my recent stress my prayer life had been floundering. The
worst time to slacken off, I know, and a sure sign a relationship is not healthy.

“And wait,” you continued. “Wait for a man who is as pure as you are.”

Now it really felt like the twilight zone. Okay, I thought: number one, how do you know whether
I’m pure or not? Number two, how do you know what I’m going through right now? And number
three, where on earth am I going to find a man who gets as gung-ho over purity as I do?

Many years went by after this meeting, and life got harder and my dating experiences were
sometimes worse, sometimes equally discouraging. I always remembered what you said
because in the twelve years I was hoping to meet my husband, you were one of ten people who
told me not to lower my standards. Most of my Catholic peers, even older Catholics, and even a
few priests told me things like this:

  • “You’ll never be a perfect wife, so you can’t demand a perfect husband who doesn’t look at
    porn.” If you’re not ready to keep your vow to God that you will stay faithful to your spouse, then
    you’re not ready to make that vow. Faithfulness to your marriage vow is the bottom-line
    requirement for marriage, not perfection.
  • “Maybe God wanted to give you a husband free from porn but that’s not possible in the current
    world.” With God all things are possible—yes, even breaking completely free from porn. God
    does not give us a commandment then not give us the means to keep that commandment.)
    “You can’t expect a man living in the world to have a deep spiritual life like women do.” (There
    are millions of male saints who lived in the world, not just women.)
  • “If you want to marry a saint, go to the Middle East where Catholics are persecuted. You won’t
    find one here.” God raises up saints in every place and every generation. Until you find one, it’s
    better to be single than married to someone who won’t pursue holiness.

And the all time topper that floored me when I heard it from my practicing Catholic guy friend in
his late twenties: “You can’t expect to find a man who loves God more than you because he
can’t have sex with God.” There are so many things wrong with that statement! But briefly: if he
“loves” you more because of sex, that means he loves sex more than God. A gravely serious
idolatry! And if the reason he “loves” you is having sex with you, he doesn’t love you at all, he
loves sex. Can we say “definition of lust”?

When I tried talking about what I hoped for, or when I stopped dating someone, many of my
peers declared I was hard, proud, demanding, self-righteous, uncompromising, hiding at home
instead of facing the world, couldn’t handle any guy disagreeing with me about anything, naive,
a wreck, out of touch with reality, and, in short, made me feel like everyone despised me as a
terrible person. Interestingly, the women who described me that way had always either set me
up with the guy I rejected, or were bitter about their own love lives. The guys who described me
that way were always regularly watching porn or had other addictions to lust. When I met chaste
men they described me as the opposite.

Sadly though, I was in my late twenties before I found actual groups of other young adults who
didn’t just pay lip service to faithfulness and respect for the human person. That’s true for many
of us. I’m sharing all of this because I want to give encouragement to other young men and
women the way you encouraged me. I know there are many others who are now exactly where I
used to be. They feel just as alone, demoralized, and torn up by the people around them.
So to them, I want to say: wait. It’s worth it. Never settle.

Never accept lust instead of love in a potential spouse. Impatience now is not worth misery for the rest of your life.

When I was twenty-nine, a young man who had been hanging around our young adult group for
several months asked me out. After two months of dating I started sharing more about my past
dating. He told me “Never lower your standards.” (Number eleven!) “If you decide I don’t meet
your standards, I want you to stop dating me and find someone who does.”

No young man had ever said that to me before. Other guys said “If my mortal sins and
selfishness bother you, you’re the problem not me. Lower your standards!” A year later this man
and I got married.

I’d like to tell you about my husband. He is gentle, kind, patient, humble, and pure. He is faithful
to all the tenants of the Faith. He does not look at porn. He does not commit other mortal sins.
He does not lust or grasp after me or anyone else. He not only waited for marriage, he always
insisted that once we were married how fast we moved forward physically was entirely up to me
and my comfort level. (Yes ladies! Gentlemen like this exist!)

He is devoted to the Eucharist and puts God first. He always puts me above himself. He never
demands his own way or insists he’s always right. He does not treat me like I’m stupid; he is
never rude or condescending when we disagree. He never gives me the silent treatment. He
never tears me down with his words. He never lashes out and uses my vulnerabilities,
weaknesses, or confidences as weapons to hurt me. He does not stereotype me or make
negative assumptions about me. He actually pays attention to what I’m saying when I talk to
him. He is incredibly respectful of both his parents and mine. He’s great friends with my brother,
who has Downs Syndrome. He loves children. He is my best friend and by my side in everything
I do, whether it’s encouraging me in my writing, volunteering at the Echo Community Theology
of the Body retreats, or playing hide and seek with teddy bears until two a.m. when we let my little
sister and her friends have a slumber party at our apartment.

In short, he is everything it felt like everyone was telling me I would never find.
Now I want to thank the ten people who encouraged me. Since I have no way to reach you, the
kind and wise lady at March for Life, this is my best attempt. Thank you. You were a most
beautiful consolation from God during a very dark time.

And to everyone in their own dark night of the soul: it gets better. The resurrection happens. The
other day my husband told me “I waited so long to meet someone like you, and to have the kind
of marriage we have. Thank you for never lowering your standards. Thank you for not listening
to bad advice.”
Trust me, that is worth it. Better, trust God. He will never be out done in generosity. You cannot
imagine a marriage happier or holier than the one He wants to give you.

In Christ,
Mrs. Sarah Becnel

 

Want to dive deeper into this topic? Tune in to one of our latest episodes on our podcast, Lust is Boring

______________________________

Sarah Becnel (formerly Sarah Larue) is the author of nine
books, who loves her Faith and loves writing, and is happiest when
putting them together. Her latest series That They Might Have Love is
for all Catholic young women who want to seek God first in their love
lives and find greater love and joy when they are single, dating, and
married.

 

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Esperanza después del arco iris

 

Soy un hombre católico y la atracción hacia personas del mismo sexo es parte de mi historia. Sin embargo, recientemente se ha escrito
¿Qué? 
Déjame explicarte…
No se trata de terapia 
Esto no tiene nada que ver con la terapia con el objetivo de cambiar de “gay” a “heterosexual”. Nunca he hecho eso, y he encontrado paz al saber que la Iglesia no está tratando de que yo siga con eso. Sin embargo, esto ha llegado a ser después de muchos años de esforzarme continuamente por decir “Sí” a Dios, y “Sí” a crecer en virtud (en particular, la virtud de la castidad, con la que luché durante la mayor parte de mi vida).
Llegué a desear un corazón casto porque deseaba la santidad, y deseaba la santidad porque deseaba unir mi corazón con el corazón de Jesucristo. Este deseo surgió porque experimenté por primera vez el amor de Cristo a través de alguien como tú; alguien que simplemente me amaba en el momento de mi vida y que eligió acompañarme en mi viaje.
A lo largo de ese viaje, me sentí cada vez más atraída por las mujeres virtuosas, aquellas que entenderían los fundamentos de una relación conyugal santa, y con las que podría crecer hacia una mayor virtud, ¡posiblemente incluso dentro de un matrimonio!
El Problemo
 
Muchos piensan que debido a que la atracción hacia el mismo sexo es parte de mi historia, no es posible y que me estoy engañando a mí mismo. Esta respuesta desalentadora refleja una mentalidad cerrada a lo que Dios podría escribir en nuestros corazones.
Otros simplemente tratan de etiquetarme como “bisexual”, pero esto revela en ellos una cerrazón mental a mi historia; una mentalidad cerrada para entender quién soy y cómo llegué a donde estoy hoy. Mira, esto no se trata tanto de la sexualidad como de Dios, y de cómo Él puede transformar nuestros corazones.
Cómo empezó todo
En 2007, llegué a desear una sexualidad sagrada (¡gracias Christopher West!) y, por primera vez, abrí mi corazón a la castidad. Comencé el largo camino de romper una adicción a la pornografía de casi toda la vida (¡gracias Matt Fradd!) y me abrí a la idea de preparar mi corazón para mi futuro cónyuge, si eso está en el plan de Dios para mí (¡gracias Jason Evert!).
Por la gracia de Dios, encontré la fuerza (y el apoyo) para hacer algunos cambios importantes en mi vida.
El efecto neto fue este: pasé de considerar las relaciones entre personas del mismo sexo (sin esperanza de casarme con una mujer o ser padre) a adorar el Santísimo Sacramento y ofrecer mi vida a Dios. Cuanto más dejaba ir mi propia voluntad, más podía Dios obrar en mi corazón (esto ahora puedo verlo retrospectivamente).
Métodos misteriosos
A principios de 2014, Dios escribió audazmente en mi corazón que buscara la amistad con una mujer en particular. Con un coraje que nunca antes había visto en mi interior, eso es lo que hice.
En el tiempo que pasamos juntos y separados, hubo gracias señaladas. Fue divertido e inspirador, pero también transformó la vida de maneras santas y profundamente virtuosas. Así es como supe (y sé) que era de Dios. Llegué a tener la esperanza de que ella pudiera ser mi futura esposa.
Me sentí muy atraído por ella y supe que estaba llamado a proteger su honor de todas las maneras posibles, y a orar por ella. Con el tiempo, crecimos juntos en santidad y nos revelamos nuestros corazones poco a poco entre risas, sonrisas y afecto apropiado.
La amaba de la manera en que Dios me llamaba a amarla en ese momento, y comencé a enamorarme de ella también (románticamente, es decir). Ella trajo gran alegría a mi corazón, mientras me acercaba más a Cristo.
Esperanza restaurado
Aunque no terminamos juntos como pareja, esta experiencia me mostró que no tenía que renunciar a la esperanza de algún día ser esposo y padre. De hecho, ¡me ayudó a restaurar la esperanza más que nunca!
Su nombre… en realidad significa “Esperanza”. ¡Qué asombroso es eso!
Ahora, si está en el plan de Dios que realmente me case o no, es otra historia. Es Su historia, y estoy bien con eso.
Pero hoy… I. Tener. Esperanza.
— — — BIO — — —
Hudson Byblow es un orador, autor y consultor católico que vive en el Medio Oeste, donde tiene una carrera en educación. Se ha presentado en conferencias nacionales e internacionales en los Estados Unidos y Canadá y también se presenta al clero, escuelas y parroquias. Además, Hudson se desempeña como consultor de varias agencias, oradores y educadores católicos. Su sitio web es www.hudsonbyblow.com y se puede reservar enviando un correo electrónico a info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Por favor… No me llames gay

Dondequiera que voy, me presionan para asumir la identidad gay y hacerla “quien soy”. La atracción hacia el mismo sexo, siendo parte de mi historia, hace que muchas personas no puedan verme de otra manera. Sin embargo, te pido desde el fondo de mi corazón: Por favor, deja de llamarme gay.
 
La razón es más grande que yo, o al menos así es cómo me siento. Es porque tus palabras importan; y porque influyen en nuestro clima social.
¿Decir qué?
Cuando nos referimos a las personas como “gays” o “heterosexuales” (o incluso “homosexuales” o “heterosexuales”), esto es lo que realmente estamos haciendo:
1. Hacemos que lo normal sea vernos a nosotros mismos en primer lugar de acuerdo con las atracciones que experimentamos en lugar de con nuestra identidad como hijos e hijas amados de Dios.
2. Privamos a las personas de darse cuenta de que las atracciones que se experimentan (y que no se eligen específicamente) son distintas a las de la identidad asumida (que se elige específicamente).
3. Privamos a las personas de llegar a darse cuenta de que las atracciones sexuales son parte de una experiencia humana fluida, y que la experiencia de cualquier atracción no significa necesariamente que la persona experimentará esa atracción por el resto de su vida.
4. Privamos a las personas de la oportunidad de saber que el hecho de que sientan atracción hacia personas del mismo sexo no significa que deban identificarse como “gays” para ser honestos consigo mismos. Muchas personas que experimentan atracciones hacia personas del mismo sexo quieren ser honestas consigo mismas sobre las atracciones que están experimentando, pero por distintas razones, no quieren aceptar la etiqueta de identidad gay. Tenemos que respetar eso.
5. Incorporamos (falsamente) la idea de que nuestra naturaleza es el “ser gay”, cuando en realidad nuestra naturaleza es amar y querer ser amados, y perseguimos esos deseos en función de una serie de factores como nuestro autoconcepto, nuestra experiencia con relaciones anteriores (sexuales y no sexuales) y nuestro grado de confianza en los demás, entre otros.
6. Hacemos que la castidad parezca una montaña rusa a través del infierno porque pasamos por alto la cuestión de la identidad misma. Por lo tanto, si una persona percibe que “ser gay” es “lo que es”, entonces perseguir la castidad será visto como ir en contra de su naturaleza (o al menos lo que percibe como su naturaleza).
Lo que podemos hacer
Esto se puede evitar si dejamos de referirnos a las personas con este tipo de etiquetas para referirnos a su identidad. Aquí hay tres cosas en las que podemos enfocarnos para ayudar a llegar al corazón de las personas con este mensaje:
  • Dios nos llama a todos a una vida de virtud.
  • Si la virtud se modela con alegría, es más probable que la gente la desee.
  • Ese modelo gozoso debe ser vivido nada más y nada menos que por ti y por mí.
Esto es muy importante porque una vez que un corazón desea la virtud, llegará a desear a Cristo ante todo, y eso se revelará en la identidad que uno asume.
Y ese será el mayor testigo de la transformación.
 
Para terminar… De mi corazón al tuyo
(Traducido del inglés, por lo que no rimará como debería.)
Por favor, no nos llames “gay”
Porque eso no es “lo que somos”
Sí, atracciones que experimentamos
Pero somos más, con diferencia.
Mira, algunas etiquetas son inadecuadas
Dejando menos que la verdad reflejada
Pero si lo convertimos en “lo que somos”
A continuación, una identidad que hemos seleccionado.
Entonces, si valoramos la honestidad
Con coraje, la verdad a la que nos enfrentaremos:
Atracciones experimentadas que no elegimos
Pero la identidad la elegimos asumir.
Esto es muy importante, por favor entiende
Debido a que un clima, formamos
Llamando a la gente “gays” y “heterosexuales”
Hemos creado la nueva norma.
La norma por la cual el autoconcepto
Está anclado fuertemente en el corazón y la mente
Sobre nosotros mismos por encima del
Creador Reflejando la falsedad del Diseño
Entonces, ¿quiénes somos realmente?
Esa es la pregunta del momento.
Somos personas primero, amadas por
Dios infinito Y somos finitas, por debajo de Su Poder
Así que antes de hablar de “gays” y “heterosexuales”
Ten en cuenta las palabras que usas para
Reflejar lo que es objetivamente verdadero;
Que las atracciones experimentadas no las elegimos, sino que asumimos la identidad, la hacemos.
_____________________________________________
— — — BIO — — —
Hudson Byblow es un orador, autor y consultor católico que vive en el Medio Oeste, donde tiene una carrera en educación. Se ha presentado en conferencias nacionales e internacionales en los Estados Unidos y Canadá y también se presenta al clero, escuelas y parroquias. Además, Hudson se desempeña como consultor de varias agencias, oradores y educadores católicos. Su sitio web es www.hudsonbyblow.com y se puede reservar enviando un correo electrónico a info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Queer Eyed? Nah, Eyes on the Prize

“We must understand the term ‘helpmate’ in its most basic meaning. Woman was given to man so that he can understand himself, and reciprocally man is given to woman for the same end. They are to mutually affirm each other’s humanity, awed by its dual richness.” Pope St. John Paul II, “A Meditation on Givenness”.

As a guy whose conflict with same-sex attraction ran deep, being truly “awed” by women seemed impossible. My persistent struggle reinforced disappointment. I concluded that my “gay” self disqualified me.

This familiar temptation quietly disempowered my masculine gift. I needed people empowered by Jesus to help me see reality and renounce the lie that my same-sex desires were, well, me, my state in life.

Yet my body speaks differently; it orients me towards the other. Married or not, making peace
with the opposite sex is the ultimate goal of chastity (CCC #2337). This work of chastity
prepares me for union with God in heaven (CCC #2347). God trains me by calling me into
communion with the other, a partnership that bears His image (Gn 1:27).

The alternatives were tempting but disappointing. The worldview that God allowed “gay”
concupiscence for my good, which then orders me into forced “celibacy,” is, in truth, frustrating
and sourced in a flimsy anthropology and spirituality.

The goal became clearer. Don’t stall in gay fantasyland or identification.

Instead, I needed to ask the hard questions: Why am I allergic to “healing” in my sexual
brokenness? Do I mistrust God to help me? Why do I feel threatened by other guys while at the
same time drawn to them sexually? Why am I tempted to bypass women as worthy of my
attention and/or pursuit? Do I fear rejection? Am I afraid that my history of struggle disqualifies
me from being received by a woman? Do I feel locked into a “gay” celibacy because it would be
too costly to take another route?

These challenging moments became opportunities for further maturity and healing. My difficult
reactions invited deeper surrender.

Once I left the seminary and moved to Kansas City, I was excited about dating. I had been
steeping in the Living Waters/TOB reality, and I felt empowered to offer my gift!
It was harder than I expected.

Because of my involvement with Desert Stream/Living Waters, my struggle with SSA became
public through a podcast. Some women I tried to pursue weren’t open to my admittedly broken
gift.

Gift-giving necessitated fortitude. Just because my gift wasn’t received didn’t mean I wasn’t a
good gift. Jesus’ mercy washed me from familiar disappointment and helped me get back up
again and again.

My masculine sexuality has power to empower. I had the duty and privilege to dignify women all
around me. I wanted her to be better off because of me, whether a colleague, friend, family
member, or future girlfriend. She needed me just as much as I needed her.

“Within the orbit of your manhood [woman should] find her way to her vocation and
sanctity…​​Perhaps God wills that it be you who is the one who tells her of her inestimable worth
and special beauty.” John Paul II, “A Meditation on Givenness”.

Those of us who struggle with SSA or LGBTQ+ identification need healing—the outcome:
deeper freedom to be a man for woman, woman for man. Without the healing work of Jesus, we
stall in our untapped potential.

More eager to dignify her for her sake than to sweep a bride off her feet, I met Ania when I least
expected it. We grew to be fascinated by the “dual richness” of our lives together. Our histories
of sexual brokenness became mutual awe. Our gifts found a home in each other and became
more defined by fulfillment than frustration. Ania helps me grow in my ability to dignify her and
others.

Are you in awe of the other? I invite you to grow in mutual fascination. Cultivating love of the
other unlocks the purpose of our common sexual humanity.

 

____________________________

Marco Casanova (M.Div.) is an Associate Director of Desert Stream Ministries. Marco oversees Living Waters in the United States. Living Waters is a pastoral healing program for men and women seeking focused accompaniment towards chastity. Marco writes and speaks about his experience of same-sex attraction, and how chastity is the roadmap for anyone seeking life beyond LGBTQ+-identification. He and his wife Ania live in Kansas City, MO. The work of Desert Stream/Living Waters can be found at https://www.desertstream.org/

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God’s Faster than Amazon: 9 Time Zones, Broken Hearts & The Healing Power of The Eucharist

God is Faster than Amazon.
“Miracles are real; they happen every day, but too often, I think we feel they’ll never happen for us…so much so we miss the little ones happening all around us every day. My prayer is that it encourages you and is a witness to Gods incredible mercy and how no matter what happens to you, no matter how dark life may get at times, GOD IS STILL GOOD.”
PT 1: From Maui to the Land Down Under

Back in December of 2023, I worked as a content creator for a hostel in Maui, Hawaii. During this time, I hit a very low point in my life. I’d given up on love and relationships and felt completely and utterly defeated. Then, just like all the stories start…I met a guy who, at first, I wanted nothing to do with because I knew Australian men have a reputation for being players, and he was just a guest going to leave in 4 days.

In short, he and I hit it off; it was that cheesy cliche of feeling like you’d known someone your whole life. We became fast friends, and it was evident to everyone around us that we liked each other so obvious that our friends ditched him & me on our day excursion around the island so we’d have to ride back in the spare car just the two of us. It led to our first date, where he grabbed and kissed me while dancing. Immediately after, he asked if he could officially date me so we got drinks and talked about everything until the bar closed…I laid out my boundaries, faith, and expectations for life and he shared his with me. I was absolutely terrified that this relationship would end up like all the ones before and did my best to sabotage it I told him he shouldn’t date me, that it would be too hard, and that I’d push him daily to become the very best version of himself, that Jesus and I were a package deal and since he expressed his doubt regarding God’s existence I tried to push him away. But despite everything I said, he kept coming back with, “no, I’m man enough, I can go without sex, I will go to church with you, I want to date you, I have to go back to work in Australia in 3 days, but I want to see you again.” I, of course, didn’t believe it and said that he’d probably go home, and I’d never hear from him again, and if that was the case, no hard feelings. All I asked was for him to be honest with himself and with me; I did not want to waste my time. It was a beautiful conversation, so much so that the bartender let us stay almost 30 minutes after closing because she wanted to hear how the conversation would end, as she later told us.

After he returned to Australia, I expected to never hear from him again, but this man pursued me daily despite a 19-hour time difference, making an effort and asking when he could see me again, so I took a leap of faith, applied for an Australian work visa and booked a one-way ticket to the land down under.

Days before my trip, I was overwhelmed with a whirlwind of emotions and decided not to go, but just as my fingers were hovering over the mouse to hit cancel for any reason on the flights, I heard The Father’s voice say, “Wait daughter, sit with me & share what’s on your heart.” The conversation led me to an old journal, flipping to a random page with a quote I’d written four years prior; it read,

“TAKE THE RISK OF LOVE OR PERISH THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE!”

It had been a reflection I wrote based on C.S. Lewis’s quote:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable; love anything, and your heart will be marred or possibly broken. If you wish to keep it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Lock it away in a casket or a coffin of your selfishness, wrap it around with little hobbies and luxuries, but in that casket, dark, airless, and motionless, it will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

The simple truth is that I was afraid because I was terrified this story would end just like all the others before. But for years now, I’ve habitually found a way to overcome my fear as soon as possible if I find out something scares me!

Fast-forward to me flying down to the land down under to celebrate Australia Day, which is like the Aussie’s version of the 4th of July. I met all of his friends and family who adored me, and I them. It was so good. We had separate rooms in his parents’ house & did everything from making meals with the whole family to going to mass every Sunday together, going on outdoor adventures, building storage shelves, etc. We really got to know one another, and I thought if this is how life with him is, I could do this for the rest of my life.

Little did I know that he’d been deceiving me the entire time.

The night before I went on a short trip with my girlfriends, I found out that he had been planning to see his ex and see if she’d take him back while I was gone. Not only that, but he’d been talking to her and planning this since the day I arrived in Australia!

Funny enough, the ex reached out to me during my girl’s trip, but I decided not to reply because I didn’t want to be involved in a love triangle and drama. But after he and I officially ended things, I decided to reply to her. We kept the convo short, but she told me the whole truth about how he told her I was “Just a friend, that I was in love with him, and that he was trying to gently push me away because he didn’t want to hurt me.” She, of course, didn’t believe him, based on how he handled their relationship two years prior in a similar way; she told him to go pound sand and never to contact her again.

In the end, I felt like I was right back where I was the day before he walked into my life—losing hope, trust, and any desire to have any more relationships. I was just exhausted and angry.

I have been in eight long-term serious relationships, had five proposals, and gone on countless get-to-know-you dates, but this last one… I have never felt so deceived, disrespected, and duped.

So, there I was, heartbroken, in Sydney, Australia, working as a content creator at a hostel. I told God he needed to do something or else my emotions would get the best of me, and I would do something rash that probably would destroy me, precisely my spirit. I felt so defeated and hopeless that I decided I was going to get on Tinder, pick a decent-looking guy & lose my virginity to him. Be done with this whole waiting for a marriage that wouldn’t come, at least not for me. I’ve been on many dates where the guys, even supposed “Christian guys,” ask me before we finish our meals at a restaurant, “So, what am I getting tonight?” & I’m like, “Dinner & a conversation.” “Yeah, but afterward…”

Fine…I told myself I’d become like everyone else, and who cares? I’m done! So, there I was on Instagram, background checking my potential Tinder dates when a reel from my longtime friend and fellow Franciscan Alumni and renowned chastity speaker Jason Evert about him being in Sydney to give a talk came up on my feed. Now, mind you, I hadn’t seen Jason for a few years, and my algorithm had him in my “least shown in feed for over two years!” Recognizing God’s lifeline, I immediately commented and messaged him.

Shortly after that, I was approached by Matthew Gazy, a digital reporter from SBS, an Australian News agency, wanting to interview me about “why I had chosen to live a life of chastity.” Ironic, considering I was about to throw it all away. It’s wild how much social media can impact and connect us! During the interview, I shared my story of why I chose to be counter-cultural, live a virtuous life, and practice chastity from a very young age to this point. In doing so, I reminded myself just as much as I explained to him why it was worth it.

After the interview, Jason replied to my DM and invited me to his talk, which I didn’t know required tickets, but God sent me a stranger, now a friend, who had an extra. The talk and the healing power of a brutally honest, tearful confession and adoration time saved me.

But that is not the end of the story…after sharing my story with Jason, he invited me to be on the next episode of his podcast, “Lust is Boring” and share my story, during which there was a power outage in my building, but I just whipped out my phone light and kept going. In St. Francis’s words, “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.”:

See the Full Video/Episode here if interested:  Min 31:17 https://youtu.be/mBU-rsgdN7k?si=UGD924620kpY4Ey8

Pt 2: JPII Wilderness Retreat, Love & Responsibility,


Now I am a HUGE believer in ripples, how one act sets into motion a series of events while at the time seem unrelated or not correlated but with hindsight being 20 20 as I write this, see just how much God was planning long before that night, in Sydney. It’s not a coincidence that after two years of being in my “least shown in feed” category on Instagram, not only did I see Jason’s post right when I needed it most, but that in doing so God would retrain my Instagram Algorithm to show me another video. Only this one was an invitation to join a JPII Wilderness Retreat in Banff Canada after 2 girls unexpectedly dropped out of the trip. Out of the numerous applicants bidding for those last-minute spots for whatever reason I was chosen. Fast forward to 26 Catholics going on 10–19-mile hikes in Banff National Park, celebrating mass below glaciers, and on the shores of some of the most beautiful blue waters in the world. This trip centered on one of my all-time saint heroes – JPII – with a focus on his great work, Love & Responsibility, my heart still healing got a much-needed immersion in faith filled community. Time spent in nature with God, with fellow believers receiving the sacraments daily and pushing your physical limits, it’s like what Msgr. Shae said at the National Eucharistic Congress, “Attention starving people, we found where the food is!” Only I was the one who needed the reminder.

My top 4 memories from that retreat were: Confession on the mountain with Fr Anthony where I shared with him everything you’ve read in this email up to this point and then some and his penance for me was to ‘Befriend St. Joseph & ask his help to become more humble” (still working on that daily haha). Memory #2 was when I, due to an injury, needed to walk barefoot for 5hrs during our long 19-mile hike day down the mountain and through the rock canyon. So freeing, but difficult, childlike, wild and joyful. Memory #3 & #4 funny enough occurred during the same day at Lake Louise. Because of my injury on our last day, I elected not to join the others on the main hike and hang back at the shore, paint, sketch, pray and just really give God my day. During the afternoon after a much needed nap a young woman sat next to me to nurse a nasty blister which I of course offered to help with, In short this woman was the exact mirror image of me the night God rescued me in Sydney, she too had been through a heartbreak, was deeply dissatisfied with how her life had turned out and come to Banff to meet a random guy to sleep with and have what she called her “Annual F Up.” We spent the next 3 hours together talking, listening, crying and praying together…I shared with her just how much God loved her, how he brought me to her all the way from Australia just to remind her of her worth and share a bit of what I had been learning during the retreat on Love & Responsibility. We still stay in touch and recently she shared with me that God has been romancing her like no man ever has, he even sent her 4 full perfect rainbows the day after our talk which was confirmation for both her and I of just how much of a miraculous encounter this was.

Speaking of Rainbows Memory #4

After my new friend left and the crew got back from their hike Jason graciously booked canoe rides for all of us so we could enjoy the beauty of Lake Lousie from the water. Now, I have been paddle boarding, boating, canoeing you name it all my life so I decided this time around I’ll sit middle, be the passenger take photos and let the boys “handle it” little did I know one of my 3 men crew who was paddling at the front of the boat had never done anything like this before and every time he tried to paddle ended up causing our boat to turn in a circle. Needless to say, it was frustrating, but nothing a little whisky and encouragement couldn’t fix, especially since not five minutes into our paddling did it start to rain. Now don’t get me wrong I LOVE THE RAIN & appreciate every aspect of God’s creation, but it had been a long day, I was cold and worried about my camera gear even though my bag was water resistant, so I looked up at the sky and shouted, “HEY GOD! I love the rain; your creation is so beautiful, but could you please give us some sunshine in like 5 minutes? I’m cold dad!” Now, when I say I like to joke that God’s faster than amazon, I’m talking same day delivery baby…EXACTLY 5 MINUTES after my prayer left my mouth the clouds parted and a beautiful, warm and perfect sunbeam broke through the clouds right down onto our boat & 2 perfect double rainbows appeared behind us. Now, two things: one I love how with God simply we just have to ask and being specific does help. Two, because we were slower at paddling…the sun parted the clouds and shined a perfect sunbeam on our part of the lake and behind us two perfect shorelines to shoreline horseshoe rainbows showed behind us in absolute perfect beauty. See my JPII IG Highlight reel for photos.

The sighting of a rainbow never fails to bring a smile to my face. It’s one of nature’s greatest optical phenomena. They signify optimism and positivity: with them comes the sunshine after the rain.

Rainbows ???? express our joy, our beauty, our will to persevere. That even after the darkest storms life can throw at us if we persevere in the end the light will overcome the darkness & something miraculous will happen. Our lives become rainbows. Beacons of hope for all to see.

In short, God is good 🙂 & during this retreat, I first learned of the National Eucharistic Congress and how some of our groups were planning to go.

Pt 3: National Eucharistic Congress, Revival & Radical Rest

Thanks to the JPII Wilderness Retreat I not only learned of the NEC but was able to attend with some of my fellow retreatants. That week and the miracles that occurred are a book in and of themself, but I will share, at the very least, a brief summary of how God healed me and reminded me of who he’s calling me to be.

On day three of the congress, I awoke absolutely exhausted, so much so that I slept from 3 pm on day two until 1 pm on day 3. I was so frustrated with myself for missing Father Mike Schmitz’s talk, mainly because I hadn’t seen him in person since the Steubenville Conference back in 2013, the summer after my brother died and my professional sports career was taken from me due to an injury where the words the God spoke to me through Fr. Mike that I decided to give God everything and changed my life forever (but that’s a story for another time).

Still frustrated with myself, I ended up going to an afternoon breakout session but then decided to return and sleep the rest of the day, give myself some grace at the fact that I’d been in 8 different time zones within the past three weeks, combine that with healing from a broken heart I remembered something I learned while with the Carmelite Sisters in San Diego, “God can still work when you are sleeping.” On my way back to the Airbnb, I felt pulled to St. Johns where perpetual adoration was being held. And since I learned a long time ago just to act immediately when Jesus calls me to come spend time with him, I redirected my feet to the Church. It was packed with not a single spot to kneel or sit, standing room only except at the very front, right at the steps of the altar. Usually, I would have marched straight to the front without hesitation, but a voice in my head stopped me. “Who do you think you are going to march up there and take center stage? How selfish of you! Do you think you are more special than anyone else here that you would assume to take such a place of honor? Stand in the back and be respectful, you peasant; you are in the presence of a King. ACT LIKE IT!” Well, when I heard the word peasant, I laughed and said, “Get behind me, Satan,” then marched confidently up to my dad as if he and I were the only two in the Church and kneeled right in front of the middle aisle at the steps. To my right, the sisters had an increasingly large group of children they were reading Bible stories to, singing with, and educating on the Eucharist.

The story that they told was of The Good Shepherd, I remembered thinking I have heard this one so many times before, what more could I possibly learn, but the Holy Spirit encouraged me to just sit like a child and allow myself to be surprised. So, when Sister had us children repeat, “The Lord is My Shepherd, there is nothing I shall want.” I did so without really thinking much of it, but then sister went on to explain how what that means is that God loves us so much, and because he is the perfect father not only will he take care of us, but we will also “want for nothing.” It was in that moment I realized I’d been listening to that scripture WRONG MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! My whole life I thought, “There is nothing I shall want” meant we shouldn’t desire anything but Jesus & while that is an incredible virtuous posture to strive for what it means is we will want for nothing, he knows what we need, what we desire, in fact, he gave us our desires and dreams for a reason. How because he is the perfect father who loves to dote on his children the verse doesn’t mean don’t desire, but give everything to him in prayer, & have faith that he will provide for all you need.

Sitting like a child, running to the father and diving into his arms, letting him be the father I never had. Allowing myself to rest in him, to take refuge in the Eucharist, knowing that I not only will indeed find rest, but I will want for nothing. Truly one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and a perfect summary of how the Congress went for me. I kept running to Jesus in the Eucharist bringing him my broken heart, my hopes, my dreams and asking BIG THINGS of HIM.

Now, thanks to the NEC congress and asking BIG THINGS I have been invited to partner with my all-time favorite Catholic Prayer App. I leave in a few days for my 9th time zone this month, the Hallow App Sumit at my Alumni Franciscan University in Steubenville Ohio, a place I have not returned to since my graduation back in 2021. Also, I am currently building a ranch with my family and renovating/transforming a 56-acre property just 30 minutes outside of Yosemite National Park into a retreat center and wedding venue, but things keep coming up that we need to fix that we simply put do not currently have the finances for so please pray for God to continue to provide.



IN CONCLUSION:

In short, I am amazed at just how much God can do in a single month, how God can take the most broken hearts, draw them to himself, and turn their pain into passion and trials into testimony. I know my walk with God is far from over, and there is still much suffering in my future, but now I can finally say I joyfully boast in the trials. Lately, the enemy has been tempting me with dreams of past sins and my deepest desires of being married with a family and twisting love into lust. While I know we aren’t culpable for what happens in us when we sleep, we are responsible for whether or not we choose to dwell on those thoughts upon waking. Old Kendal would allow those thoughts to consume her all day and lead her into falling into sin out of sadness, defeat, and shame, but now I laugh in the face of evil and say, the more you tempt me, the more I will pray. Everything he throws at me, I throw up to God, for it is an honor to be so hated. It is truly flattering to know that I pose such a threat to the enemy’s plans for destroying the souls of my brothers and sisters.

That is why I feel God has placed such a zeal for the salvation of all souls in my heart that he allows me to endure so much that I might offer it up. That prayer, “Lord, I pray that others may become holier than I provided I become as holy as I should,”

My daily prayer:
Blessed Are You Lord Our God

King of the Universe who brings forth the gift of another day,
WHO PUTS BREATH IN MY LUNGS
AND A BEAT IN MY HEART.
Everything I have is yours.
Everything I am &
Everything long to be I lay at your feet.
Take what you want to take and give what you want to give.
You who are life and breath of each of us.
I give you this day in its entirety & ask you to glorify it, to heal it, & to make it new.
Jesus, I love you; Jesus I trust in you.
Amen ????

Many Blessings to you all Love your sister in Christ,

Kendal Huntsman aka @OverallGoodDayGirl

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When the Enemy Lies

I was sitting in the garden outside of an Adoration Chapel next to a guy who was mocking, manipulating, pouting, pushing, trying to worm his way past my guard, and throwing a huge pity party for himself because I would not let him kiss me.

We had known each other for three months and this was our first date. I had told him he could kiss my cheek, but that did not give him enough pleasure, and pleasure was the reason he came, not me. As often as I had to move his hands, it was obvious a simple kiss would not have satisfied him either. Lust can never be satisfied. Two years later he apologized to me when a priest told him to, and after Our Lady had worked beautifully in his life. But that night he was very wounded, very bitter, and let that affect how he treated me.

It’s not an unusual story. Sadly, it happens all the time. (That does not make it any less sinful.) But that night always stood out to me because I have never felt a blacker or deeper depression and hopelessness.

For several years most of my prominent relationships, both boyfriends and friends, had been psychologically and emotionally unhealthy in the extreme, and I had not healed from them. There were plenty of highly demoralizing guys in passing (like this one) and also my best friend of many years had recently walked out of my life when she did not understand what was going on in my relationships.

There had been some red flags with this guy, but all I heard was my friend’s parting words: “you’re too picky with men, you’re hard and self-righteous and demanding.” I didn’t want to be like that, so I ignored the red flags, and was now sitting with a guy who had forgotten about kissing any part of my face and was whispering in my ear requests a man should only make to his wife.

All I could think was – this will never change. I was twenty-seven and still single, but something was always seriously wrong. This is all there was. No man would ever understand. No man loved and wanted purity with all his heart. I would never find a guy who loved me more than his own pleasure. I was an idealist. I was the only one this crazy. I would always be alone.

If you have any standards of how a man should behave with you (and how he should behave when he is not with you) you face the same thing. You know practicing virtue doesn’t feel virtuous. All you feel is completely miserable. You remember all the ways you aren’t perfect and think you must be a self-righteous fraud to keep holding these standards. You can’t remember at all the beauty of a pure relationship. You feel wretched. You feel sick. You have no friends, no prospects, no hope. There is nothing but filth and ugliness and using people, and because you don’t want this you are doomed to eternal loneliness.

I didn’t tell this guy no for any saintly reason. I wasn’t thinking of God – I felt like a radical fool, how could I claim God was as radical as I am? I wasn’t thinking of my future husband – I didn’t believe the man I wanted existed. I only said no because in all the depression and misery I knew if I abandoned any of my standards, even the smallest, it would not make anything better.

That is a story from three years ago. In five months, I will be getting married.

If you have not reached that part of your story yet, I want to reiterate with you – every lie the enemy throws at you in your blackest moments IS A LIE.

There was only one negative thought that night with any truth in it – that I would “never have a man who met my standards” because my fiancé does not meet my standards, he surpasses them.

His good Catholic persona does not disappear when we are alone, nor do I have to worry about his behavior when we are apart. I have never had to tell him no. He has never made me uncomfortable. He has never grasped after me, physically or emotionally. He has never looked at me and failed to see all of me, the entire person. He has never put his own pleasure or desires ahead of me or my wishes. Everything I never thought a man would be, he is. I have never had a relationship so personal or so close. Every virtue or striving for virtue which others mocked me for having, he is in love with and supports completely and shares with me. With him, I am nothing but cherished, respected, and loved. 

This is not the entire end of the story either. Before meeting my fiancé, God sent a great deal of healing to me through the Echo Community where I volunteered the following summer helping with their retreats. One of my fellow missionaries quickly became my new best friend and is now one of my bridesmaids. I have nine bridesmaids and a guest list that keeps growing longer and longer. It shows how many good people God has brought into my life. If you focus on God, He will not fail to send friends who can support you in your relationship with Him.

Whether you are older or younger than doesn’t matter. Many girls I know are happily married around twenty-two surrounded by good friends. I just had to wait longer than they, and you may have to wait longer than I. What is true is that God wants nothing less for every one of His daughters than to be cherished, reverenced, and loved. That is the love He has in store for you, whenever that day may come. So never settle for less. Trust me, His plans are too good to miss. 

____________________________

                                                                                                                  Sarah Larue is the author of nine books, who loves her Faith and writing, and is happiest when putting them together. Currently, she is working on a second edition of her latest series That They Might Have Love, a series for all Catholic young women who want to seek God first in their love lives and find greater love and joy when they are single, dating, and married.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

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Moms: The “Period Talk” Is About So Much More

“We need to know about our bodies, these changes we’re going through, and no one will talk to us about these things,” said the tearful young teen girl at the podium during a recent library board meeting in my small, rural Texas town. My husband and I had gone to the meeting to debate the appropriateness of a particular book’s presence within the children’s section, and the comments made by our fellow citizens over the course of two hours were eye-opening. I left the meeting both encouraged by seeing the democratic process in action, and dismayed at the comments of a few teenage girls (in particular), clearly hungry for knowledge and affirmation of their bodies, who felt they could only find these things within the pages of a controversial, sexually-explicit book–and within various sexual and gender “identities.”

The book in question–a graphic novel-style memoir–deals with mature themes about gender identity, puberty, body image, sexuality and more, and the female narrator’s misadventures and discomforts with all the above. And, because it is a graphic novel, there are pictures to disturbingly, explicitly, depict it all.* Yet the tearful young teen at the podium, who identified herself as “a pansexual, and a member of the LGBTQ community,” spoke very passionately about why she felt this book was necessary to remain in the library, right there in the children’s section. What she clearly didn’t know, and what I so wished I could tell her (and her mother!), was that there are resources for her to learn everything she needs to know about her body in an age-appropriate, respectful, fact-based way. Resources that will contextualize the jarring experience of puberty, periods, and more, rooted in an affirmation of her dignity and goodness as a woman–a goodness that exists “apart from the ability to excite pleasure in others,” as a friend of mine put it when she rose to speak during the meeting. 

In other words, what I learned most from the meeting was this: We leave our pre-teen and teen daughters in the dark about the changes they experience in their bodies, minds, and hearts during this pivotal time not only at our own peril, but theirs. 

Now, I know that for moms of preteen or teenage daughters, the mere thought of the “period talk” can feel incredibly daunting. No mom truly wants to leave her daughter in the dark, but many fear saying too much, too soon, or simply saying the wrong thing. These fears can leave some moms nervous enough that they simply hope schools step up and do the job, instead. But regardless of where your daughter goes to school, do you really want her teacher to be the one to guide her through this pivotal transition to womanhood– forming how she’ll think about her body, her cycles, and her fertility, possibly for the rest of her life? 

I know for a fact that these thoughts weigh heavily on so many moms’ minds, because we asked them about it when developing our Period Genius online puberty education course at Natural Womanhood. Moms told us how they were made to feel “dirty” or “shameful” when it came to starting their own periods, and how they didn’t fully understand why their bodies and emotions were changing in such drastic ways during puberty. They longed to be able to ask someone they loved and trusted about these changes, but too often, the negative feelings and comments about periods and fertility came from their own mothers. That’s why many of the young moms we spoke to were determined to do better by their own daughters–yet they were afraid and unaware of how to start, or where to turn for help. 

For all these reasons and more, we created Natural Womanhood’s Period Genius online puberty education course. In over ten years’ of advocacy work in fertility awareness and natural family planning, the Natural Womanhood team has seen first-hand the confidence of women of all ages who understand the ‘what’ and the ‘why’ of their bodies, especially compared to girls and women who are left in the dark about their cycles and fertility. This is especially true of preteen girls on the cusp (or in the midst) of puberty. Those who are properly informed about the science and purpose of their cycles have the context to understand the important changes happening within their bodies, can learn what’s normal and what’s not, and can find the right support for any issues that arise. Most important of all, they learn to see and to understand what these changes mean, that is, how these changes orient their bodies towards the potential of physical motherhood, and come to see those changes as profoundly dignified, worthy, and good. 

It’s no wonder, then, that when moms are the ones to provide this important information to their daughters, the mother-daughter relationship blossoms as the lines of communication open and bridges of trust are built. As major proponents of the philosophy that parents are their children’s’ primary educators, Natural Womanhood wanted to empower moms to be the ones to deliver these facts and messages to their own daughters. That’s why our Period Genius online puberty education course is for both moms and daughters, equipping moms to teach their daughters the full story about puberty and their cycles, so they can be knowledgeable, confident, and healthy in their wonderfully-made, distinctly female bodies. And we take the guesswork (and hopefully also the fears) away by helping moms know what to say and how to say it, and in an age-appropriate way that communicates the fullness of the truth about the female body, without discussing the mechanics of sex, ways to avoid pregnancy, sexually-transmitted diseases, or gender- and sexual-identities (which, as we all know, are the main focus of most sex-ed programs and books).    

Moms, if you want your daughters to be happy, healthy, and confident in their bodies, the “period talk” should be about so much more than that. And if you make the courageous decision to let your daughter know she can find the affirmation and knowledge she needs from you, the person who loves her most in the world (and not from her peers, teachers, social media, or sexually-explicit books at the library), please know that Natural Womanhood’s Period Genius online puberty education course is there to help. 

 

Grace Emily Stark is the Editor of Natural Womanhood. Grace holds a M.A. in Bioethics & Health Policy from Loyola University Chicago and a B.S. in Healthcare Management & Policy from Georgetown University. She is a recent alumna of the Paul Ramsey Institute Fellowship at the Center for Bioethics and Culture, and in 2019, she was awarded a Robert Novak Alumni Fund Journalism Fellowship to investigate the negative effects of birth control. Grace and her husband are a certified Teaching Couple for the Couple to Couple League, and reside in Texas with their 3 (soon to be 4!) children.

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Escaping Porn’s Prison

I first watched porn when I was 15 years old.

As a young teen, I thought “addiction” was a word reserved for drug users and alcoholics. I didn’t know that a collared-shirt Catholic school kid could be so controlled by the things he saw on his cracked iPhone 6 screen.

As a soccer player, I heard a lot of locker room conversations. I knew porn was the norm among guys my age. Everyone in the world seemed to use it (91.5% of men and 60.2% of women). And even though it felt wrong, I did too.

Months after I started, I began to research and understand the consequences of porn use. I learned about how it hurts people in the industry and how it was changing my brain. It was making me selfish. The girls in my life were becoming objects to me. This habit had taken the reins of what used to be a very free, happy life.

As time passed, I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I wanted to stop.

But I couldn’t.

Porn is a unique beast to fight. With other addictions, you can at least trash the drug. With porn, it’s much harder to separate yourself from the temptation. Your drug remains in your pocket all day, begging you to lean into just one moment of weakness.

Despite the challenge in front of me, I convinced myself that I was strong enough to defeat it. Day after day, I fought the addiction with detailed goals and gritted teeth.

One year of fighting passed. Then two years. Then three. And after almost a thousand days of strenuous effort, I was in the same exact place.

That sort of failure causes a gut-wrenching, humiliating feeling. Those nights I spent many hours contemplating the idea of completely giving up. Why was I treading water if I knew I was going to drown?

But there was one thing stronger than my nagging shame: my desire to love. I had this clear, detailed image in my mind of the man that I wanted to be.

I wanted to be free. I wanted to be someone who is willing to sacrifice for the people he cares about. One who would give up everything — all success, all reputation, all power — before using others to their detriment. So, I kept pushing.

I decided to join a video support group that I found online. I walked out to my car in the driveway for some privacy, plugged in my headphones and logged onto the Zoom call with my camera off. I wasn’t expecting much.

However, what I saw changed my life.

I was the only one in the meeting younger than 25. I watched in horror as over ten grown men, many of whom were married, took turns speaking about their never-ending battles with pornography. One even mentioned that this escalating addiction led him to seek an affair, irreparably damaging his relationship with his wife.

But that wasn’t the most painful part for me.

Toward the end of the meeting, the biggest, roughest-looking man in the group unmuted himself and began to speak. He was also in a car, his seatbelt crossed over his chest as he looked out the window into the darkness outside. After speaking for just a minute, he began sobbing loudly, his bitter tears running down his face into his thick brown beard. He had been trying to quit far longer than me, and he had never succeeded.

All of the other guys stared blankly into their cameras as he wept. No one could think of the words to ease that sort of pain. What could they say that he hadn’t heard before?

Through this man, I saw my future self. If I continued with this path, I would be him. Completely trapped, unable to give my wife the undivided love that I’d always planned to give her.

I promised myself that day that I would never be that man.

The way I saw it, I had two options:

  1. Keep doing what I was doing. Fight alone, lie to myself about the future, keep failing and become that man from the Zoom call.
  2. Humble up and get the help that I needed. Take the embarrassment and eventually be free. Do what it takes.

I chose the second.

No matter the cost, no matter the embarrassment, I would not be that man. I would never be that man.

This time around, I didn’t want to seem strong. I wanted to be strong. History showed me that I wasn’t going to do that on my own.

So, I got serious. I reached out to a friend and asked for daily check-ins. I told my brother to keep me accountable. I even talked to my parents about what I was facing.

Exposing myself like this was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever done. It was terrifying, but necessary. If I would have kept fighting alone, it surely would have been a different story. I would have been perceived as stronger by others, but underneath the mask, I still would have been weak.

Porn used to be the dictator of my life. Now, I’m 144 days clean. My life isn’t governed by the sporadic ups and downs of addiction. Through God’s grace, I’ve found freedom. When I look into my wife’s eyes at the altar, I’ll now know that my promise to her is true.

That’s worth a little embarrassment.

If you’re hooked on porn, you probably don’t deserve all of the blame for how it started. If you’re like most people, you were young and naive the first time you saw it.

The beginning of the story was not your choice, but the end of the story is.

Using porn might feel shameful, but seeking accountability should not. Asking for help is not weak, it’s heroic. It’s being brave enough to put your pride on the line in order to save the victims of the industry and the people you love most.

So, if there’s one takeaway from my story, it’s the power of asking for help. The truth is that it’s not unusual to be battling this. And it shouldn’t be unusual to call in backup.

A year ago, a friend and I had the idea of starting accountability small groups on the University of Notre Dame’s campus. We currently have 12 small groups and almost 50 members. If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to get similar help on your college campus or begin an outreach of your own. Our team is happy and eager to collaborate with other campuses to make this widespread. Connect with me through the info in the bio if you’d like to chat.

To wrap up this story, I ask two things of you:

  1. Genuinely decide who you want to be and if porn fits into that definition.
  2. If it doesn’t, seek accountability. Don’t lie to yourself. If the solo mission has not been working, do what it takes and bury this pain forever.

Josh Haskell

Notre Dame Class of 2024

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Joshua Haskell is a senior at the University of Notre Dame. He cofounded AsceND Accountability with Nadim Khouzam this year on Notre Dame’s campus. He is also known for writing “The Flip Phone Experiment” and founding 4.oh, an online curriculum website to help high school and college students get better grades in less time. In his free time, he enjoys ski racing and playing Spikeball.

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Abandonar LGBTQ+… y no mirar atrás

Abandonar LGBTQ+… y no mirar atrás
Imagínese si pudiera ayudar a alguien a pasar de la desesperación a la alegría, y ayudarlo a descubrir la voluntad de Dios para él de una manera nueva y vivificante.
¡Bien, PUEDES hacer esto!
Un camino es esforzarse por irradiar la vida de Dios en medio de la búsqueda de la verdad, ayudando a las personas a descubrir la belleza y la riqueza de la virtud de la castidad.
No el celibato, no la abstinencia, sino la castidad.
Un poco de castidad “Revisión”
La castidad es propuesta (no impuesta) por la Iglesia para todas las personas, independientemente de su estado de vida. Implica una apertura gozosa a la “integración exitosa de la sexualidad en la persona” (CCC 2337), lo que implica una apertura a honrar/defender la complementariedad fisiológica del hombre y la mujer creados por Dios, y el hecho de que somos creados como hombres o mujeres (independientemente de cualquier aberración genética).
¡Simple! ¿Bien?
El poder de una mentalidad
Cuando solía identificarme como LGTBQ+, aunque a veces estaba feliz, no estaba alegre y, a menudo, estaba al borde de la desesperación. Mi mentalidad era que la “regla de castidad de la Iglesia” significaba que no podía amar a quien quería amar, haciendo que la “castidad” pareciera una triste supresión de mi “naturaleza” en lugar de un medio para amar más profundamente y una manera de experimentar mayor paz, esperanza, amor, alegría y libertad, en medio de un camino de crecimiento personal. Mi forma de pensar limitó mis percepciones sobre en quién podría convertirme como persona, lo que limitó mis percepciones sobre mi viaje potencial hacia la realización. Esto me hizo creer que automáticamente se me prohibió convertirme en esposo/padre en un matrimonio sagrado con un cónyuge del sexo opuesto.
el gran cambio
Mi forma de pensar cambió después de despertar a la realidad de que las atracciones/inclinaciones sexuales/románticas experimentadas no son permanentes. Llegué a esta conclusión después de darme cuenta de que los apetitos no son permanentes y que los apetitos sexuales/románticos son simplemente un subconjunto de los apetitos. Para mí, esto era una lógica cristalina, y era todo lo que necesitaba saber para reconocer la naturaleza no permanente de cualquier atracción/inclinación sexual/romántica experimentada. Sin embargo, después de este despertar, mi mentalidad requirió un ajuste con respecto a la sexualidad, mi perspectiva de quién “soy yo,” y la castidad.
Ese cambio de mentalidad rompió las cadenas que me ataban, lo que inhibía mi comprensión de lo que Dios podía hacer conmigo. Hoy, con mi mentalidad transformada acerca de la castidad, ahora sé que el matrimonio/paternidad santa es posible. Sin embargo, debe probar la búsqueda de amistades sagradas de casta a través de las cuales pueden surgir atracciones/inclinaciones románticas/sexuales sagradas de casta (incluso si las atracciones hacia el mismo sexo y/o las inclinaciones transgénero pueden continuar persistiendo hasta cierto punto ).
Conclusiones diferentes
Muchos católicos con experiencias como la mía, aunque todavía se esfuerzan por amar a Dios, todavía tienen mentalidades que no están abiertas a la castidad tal como la entiende la Iglesia y, por lo tanto, no están abiertas a esas mismas posibilidades. Cuando solía adoptar una mentalidad LGBTQ+, probé la desesperación y la tristeza de esa mentalidad, y sé que estoy lejos de estar solo en esa experiencia.
¿Cuántos más?
Pero, ¿cuántas personas siguen luchando con la desesperación de creer que son “gay/trans y católicos” y que su destino está sellado dentro de esa trayectoria? ¿Dentro de ese sentido de identidad y autoconcepto? ¿Cuántos “católicos LGBTQ+” todavía están descontentos y buscan más?
Estos católicos son de hecho mis amados hermanos y hermanas en Cristo. Puedo relacionarme íntimamente con esa faceta de su experiencia, y es el amor lo que me obliga a proponer una apertura a un cambio de mentalidad.
Simplemente no quiero que nadie tenga que vivir en la desesperación.
Un reto
Para aquellos que piensan seriamente en la mentalidad en medio de la búsqueda de la realización, propongo estas preguntas:
¿Tu mentalidad te lleva cada vez más a:
¿Abrazar la castidad tal como la define la Iglesia?
¿Perseguir la “integración exitosa de [tu] sexualidad”?
¿Deseo de cumplir con el llamado de Dios para esforzarse por convertirse al máximo en quien está llamado a ser, en términos de manifestar la maternidad y la paternidad, que podría manifestarse resaltará dentro de un matrimonio santo y casto con un cónyuge del sexo opuesto?
Si no, ¿está dispuesto a considerar un cambio de mentalidad?
Además, si estás luchando con la desesperación en relación con encontrar tu lugar/propósito en el plan de Dios, ¿estarías abierto a crecer más en la virtud de la castidad tal como la entiende la Iglesia?
Esto, simplemente propongo…

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Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Leaving LGBTQ+… and Not Looking Back

Imagine if you could help someone move from despair to joy, and help them discover God’s will for them in a new, life-giving way?

Well, you CAN do this!  

One way is to strive to radiate God’s love amidst the pursuit of truth, while helping people discover the beauty and richness of the virtue of chastity.

Not celibacy, not abstinence, but chastity.

A Little Chastity “Review”

Chastity is proposed (not imposed) by the Church for all people, regardless of state in life. It involves joyful openness to “successful integration of sexuality within the person” (CCC 2337), implying an openness to honoring/upholding the God-authored physiological complementarity of males and females, and the fact that we are created as males or females (regardless of any genetic aberration).

Simple! Right?

The Power of a Mindset

When I used to self-identify as LGTBQ+, though I was sometimes happy, I wasn’t joyful—and often I was on the cusp of despair. My mindset was that “the Church’s rule” of chastity meant that I couldn’t love who I wanted to love, making “chastity” seem like a mournful suppression of my “nature” rather than a means to love more profoundly and a way to experience greater peace, hope, love, joy, and freedom, amidst a journey of personal growth. My mindset limited my perceptions about who I could become as a person, which limited my perceptions about my potential journey towards fulfillment. This made me believe that I was automatically excluded from ever becoming a husband/father in a holy marriage to an opposite-sex spouse.

The Big Shift

My mindset changed after awakening to the reality that sexual/romantic attractions/inclinations experienced aren’t permanent. I arrived at this conclusion after realizing that appetites aren’t permanent and that sexual/romantic appetites are merely a subset of appetites. For me, this was crystal clear logic, and it was all I needed to know in order to recognize the non-permanent nature of any sexual/romantic attractions/inclination experienced. After this awakening, however, my mindset required adjustment with regard to sexuality, my perspective of “who I am,” and chastity.

That shift in mindset broke off the chains that bound me, which inhibited my understanding of what God could do with me. Today, with my mindset transformed about chastity, I now know that holy spousalship/fatherhood is possible, but that it is downstream from the pursuit of holy, chaste friendships through which holy, chaste romantic/sexual attractions/inclinations may emerge (even if same-sex attractions and or transgender inclinations might continue to persist to some degree).

Differing Conclusions

Many Catholics with experiences like mine, while still striving to love God, still have mindsets that are not open to chastity as it is understood by the Church, and therefore are not open to those same possibilities. When I used to embrace an LGBTQ+ mindset, I tasted the despair of that, and I know I’m far from alone in that experience.

How Many More?

But how many people are still out there struggling with the despair of believing that they are “gay/trans and Catholic” and that their fate is sealed within that trajectory? Within that sense of identity and self-concept? How many “LGBTQ+ Catholics” are still unhappy and searching for more? 

These Catholics are indeed my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ. I can intimately relate to that facet of their experience, and it’s love that compels me to propose an openness to a shift in mindset.

I simply don’t want anyone to have to live in despair.

A Challenge

For those earnestly thinking about mindset amid the pursuit of fulfillment, I propose these questions:

Does your mindset bring you to increasingly:

  1. Embrace chastity as it is defined by the Church?
  2. Pursue “successful integration of [your] sexuality”?
  3. Desire to fulfill God’s call to strive to maximally become who you’re called to be, in terms of manifesting motherliness and fatherliness(which aren’t the same as motherhood and fatherhood), which could potentially manifest within a holy and chaste marriage to an opposite-sex spouse?

If not, are you willing to consider a shift in mindset?

Further, if you’re struggling with despair in relation to finding your place/purpose in God’s plan, would you be open to growing more in the virtue of chastity as it is understood by the Church?

This, I merely propose… 

___________________________________________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Three Lies that American Universities Will Tell You about Sex

When attending freshman orientation at my liberal, state-run alma mater, I was instantly exposed to sexuality in a way I had been shielded from during my previous thirteen years of Catholic homeschool education. Throughout my three years at that university, I realized that there were certain lies being fostered by the administration itself, lies which lead so many young people to sexually active lifestyles that destroy their self-esteem, their physical and mental health and relationships with both human beings and God.   

But this isn’t a problem unique to my alma mater. For those who are in college now or preparing to enter that chapter of life, here are three lies promoted on campus that, if you’re able to identify them, will help you avoid major pitfalls during these formative years. 

1.Valuing chastity is a sign that you were “sheltered” and “naïve” as a child

 Probably the most common line of temptation you will hear is that the only reason you haven’t engaged in certain actions before, especially sex, is because your parents “sheltered” you, making you “naïve.” But the reality is that your parents likely have greater knowledge about how casual and premarital sex is spiritually, physically and emotionally harmful to everyone involved. As highlighted in a 2013 analysis from the American Psychological Association, hook up culture and one-night stands result in negative emotions and regret for both men and women, even when some positive emotion is also present. The same paper pointed to data that university students engaged in sex—specifically outside of a committed relationship—had greater depression and lower self-esteem than those who did not. Chastity isn’t just something your parents tell you to practice. It’s mature, responsible and virtuous.  

2.You’re not capable of rising above the sexual temptations so often experienced by young people  

Every young person is faced with some form of sexual temptation. You can either give into it or you can choose the virtuous route. The typical American university, however, will tell you that you’re nothing more than your sexual desires and you simply can’t rise above it. But no matter how great the temptation, God has given you free will. You can always choose to avoid sin and practice virtue, even when it’s hard. Pretending that young people are hopeless when it comes to resisting sexual temptations leads to the promotion of contraception. Aside from the fact that using such measures intentionally prevents procreation—thereby using the other person strictly for pleasure—this practice has long been associated with health problems. This further proves that casual sex and trying to control the consequences is outside natural law. For example, health conditions such as hypothyroidism and breast cancer have been linked to long-term use of the birth control pill. Contraception is advertised as “safe sex”, but what that really means is that you lower your chances of conceiving a child out of wedlock. It’s merely an excuse to do what you want with less risk of parenthood, but the same amount of responsibility for your actions. 

3. As long as both parties consent, any sexual act is acceptable and respectful of the other person 

A term that seems to be growing rapidly in popularity is “consent.” You will hear this at least once a day on a college campus, and what people generally mean by it is that if both a guy and a girl say they want to have sex, it’s not only an acceptable act but it’s also respectful. Think about that fallacy for a second. Getting permission to do something bad doesn’t make that action good. “Consent” to sexual intimacy outside of marriage isn’t respect. It’s mutual abuse of another human being made in God’s image.  

If you’re already in college, you’ve likely encountered these lies before. If you’re about to begin that journey, know that the lies are coming. But also remember that you have the will to choose sin or virtue. It’s hard, especially when the lies are prominent, and it feels like everybody around you is believing them. Take note of these three major pitfalls and, by the grace of God, you won’t find yourself caught in the same narrative.  

Jean Mondoro is a 21-year-old Catholic journalist and blogger based in Virginia’s beautiful Shenandoah Valley. Particular subjects she is passionate about include abortion, gender ideology, education and music. When not writing, she enjoys spending time with family and hiking the Blue Ridge Mountains. To read more of her work and connect, please visit her website.

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What your date is not

            At daily Mass this week, the homily reminded me of one of my deepest regrets in my past dating.

            My then-boyfriend had revealed multiple serious issues and I convinced him to talk to a priest. That part was good. But he briefly followed the priest’s instruction, then stopped and would not talk to him again. My stress over our relationship was at a breaking point, I was emotionally exhausted, and angry with these evils for keeping him away from God. I started crying and pushing and wound up manipulating him into obeying the priest. Afterward I apologized and said I wanted us to back up because it should be a priest telling him these things. I should have walked away sooner, because I wanted to help him, but that instance could only have hindered his openness to God. When he ignored the help he needed, I felt trapped with roles that did not belong to me and I could not fill.

            The person you are dating is not your savior, your confessor, your therapist, or your accountability. When someone has continuing sexual sin, or past sin that has not been healed, these roles often get dumped on the other person. In a romantic relationship, you desire to share your heart with each other—to be seen, known and understood. You start confiding in each other, even about your sins and wounds.

            Now you should. Someone you are seriously dating has the right to know where you are spiritually, especially regarding sexuality. This is so serious in fact, that if you look at porn and don’t tell the person you’re marrying, that alone can nullify the marriage because you married them under gravely false pretenses. So over time you should be open and share freely and fully. The problem is, if you aren’t getting salvation and healing elsewhere, you will—even unintentionally—turn to the person you are dating with those needs.

            Your date is not God. Your date cannot save you. Your romantic interest cannot be the reason you stop sexual sin. They can inspire you and encourage you, but your reason has to be God. Clinging to another person to pull yourself out of the mire is unhealthy for both of you. For you, you’re cheating yourself. No finite person can ever satisfy your infinite desires or give you the strength and courage you need to live a chaste life long-term. You’re building your house on sand and you will fall.

            If you’re the other person, you feel trapped. Often you start dating with a very false image of how the other person is living. When you learn otherwise you also hear “I’m changing for you,” “God is using you to change me,” “I only managed to break this addiction because of you,” “I need you…” Then comes the awful pressure that if you ever want out, this poor person will spiral back down into sin and perversion. You’re not free, you’re manipulated. And while you would do anything to help this person, staying in this situation won’t. You can never give them what they need, and you might even be a delay in their finally realizing how much they need God.

            Exactly how and when to break up can be discerned with worthy mentors (ones who truly desire the good of each of you, and who understand what a healthy relationship looks like). But it should not drag on for weeks on end. Mentors bring up the next point.

            Your date is not your confessor. The seal of confession belongs in the Sacrament of Confession. If some variation of “don’t tell anybody” comes up, that is a sure sign the relationship is getting unhealthy. Yet, it is very common because your boyfriend/girlfriend should respect your confidence. The Catechism (#2477-2479) makes it plain that gossiping and detraction are gravely wrong.

                      However, to give someone information that is painful and difficult to process, then say “you can’t talk to anyone about this” is putting an intolerable burden on them. The pain doesn’t heal, it gets bottled up, festering and causing anxiety and depression. When discussing hard topics, you need multiple trusted mentors you both agree you can talk to freely to process and heal.

            Also, for good discernment, you both need mentors who are not emotionally involved. Romantic emotions can easily become frightened that someone is still not ready for a healthy relationship, or on the flip side, hope that things might get better and really aren’t that bad, until months of misery prove otherwise.

            One reason being, your date will be miserable as your therapist. After perversion, you have a lot of poison inside that you need to get out. You are objectively good, and were not created to have evil dumped into your heart, mind, and soul. Only Confession can heal your soul, and often talking it out is needed for mental and emotional healing. Once you finally start it’s like a dam burst. Your boyfriend/girlfriend can see how desperately you need relief and will listen, but often have no clue how to handle it or help you. In their attachment to you, they start absorbing your misery into their own heart and mind.

            In marriage, that is how it works. You share everything, including each others burdens. But if the things you need to work through include despair, self-hatred, hatred of your body/sexuality, hatred/disdain for the opposite sex, or details of perversions you’ve experienced, you need healing before you’re ready for dating and marriage.

            Finally, your date is not your accountability. Accountability partners should always be the same sex and farther along than you are. Making your boyfriend/girlfriend one causes all of the same problems as making them your savior. Plus, someone holding you accountable for your behavior is far more like a mother/father figure than a romantic one. You will resent the very role you put them in!

            So why do it? Why does this happen? Because actually, we ARE created for a love relationship where the other person literally is and can do and be everything for us. More than we were made for beautiful human relationships, we were made for God.

            He is the greatest accountability you can ever have for He is always there. He created the perfect accountability to help us break the patterns of mortal sin by telling us we have to confess before we receive Him. He is the One with whom you can never be too needy. You can never give Him more than He knows how to handle. He is longing for you to dump on Him, hours and hours and daily in Adoration if you need. He is the One in whom you can always confide anything and everything, however degraded and lustful. He alone can heal you from the inside out by literally joining your body, heart, and mind, with His Body, Heart, and Mind. He alone can give you the love you need to be healthy, whole, and free.

            Perhaps God is calling you to someday marry. But before that, and far more precious than that, is the love relationship you can have with Him. So stop going to your finite boyfriend/girlfriend, be still, and listen to your greatest Lover call you:

            “Child, do not run away from your Father; be willing to talk openly with your God who wants to speak words of pardon and lavish His grace upon you. How dear your soul is to Me!… Do not argue with Me about your wretchedness. You will give Me pleasure if you hand over to Me all your troubles and griefs. I will heap you with the treasures of My grace…(1485)… O soul steeped in darkness do not despair… You have a special claim on My mercy… Tell Me all, My child, hide nothing from Me, because My loving Heart, the Heart of Your Best Friend, is listening to you…(1486)… in the Tribunal of Mercy [Sacrament of Reconciliation] There the greatest miracles take place [and] are incessantly repeated… Were a soul like a decaying corpse so that from a human standpoint, there would be no [hope of] restoration and everything would already be lost, it is not so with God. The miracle of Divine Mercy restores that soul in full…(1448)… I am mercy itself; therefore I ask you to offer Me your misery and this very helplessness of yours and, in this way, you will delight My Heart.”(1775) — Jesus, as revealed to St. Faustina

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Sarah Larue is a 28-year-old author of nine books, who loves her Faith and loves writing, and is happiest when putting them together. Her latest series That They Might Have Love is for all Catholic young women who want to seek God first in their love lives and find greater love and joy when they are single, dating, and married.

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