Chastity

Promoting the Virtue of Chastity

Kaylin Koslosky

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I Never Knew a Bikini Could Hide So Much

 

Do you know what’s funny about dressing modestly? It is the hardest thing to start, yet then becomes impossible to stop.

My journey with modesty has happened in stages, prompted by questions that I continued to ask myself. These questions came from an internal battle between wanting to fit in and be seen as attractive on the outside, and wanting to find love and be seen as beautiful for who I am on the inside.

One key moment within this journey occurred while lying at a pool sun tanning in my new bikini. I began to simply observe the scene that I was immersed in. Women of all shapes and sizes were walking around or lying out like me in bikinis. I noticed some girls walk by with their arms draped across their stomachs—an insecurity that I immediately related with despite my athletic build. Other young women strutted confidently along the pool edge looking as if they had just stepped off of a runway. It was easy to track the eyes of the men around them as they walked by.

Whether the women walked confidently, or insecurely, or somewhere in between, one thing struck me about each of them. Not once in my observations that day had I asked myself “I wonder what is on her heart today” or “I wonder what her personality is like” or “I wonder what she dreams of doing some day.” Not once. All of my thoughts had been directed towards her swimsuit or her body. As a woman, that may just mean I am wondering where she got her suit or comparing my body to her body, but imagine what that is like for a man! It is hard to look at a woman barely wearing clothes and seek the beauty of her heart when it is the beauty of her body that she is broadcasting, and maybe even hiding behind.

So there I was, realizing all of this and yet laying there in a bikini myself. I knew that if I did catch the eye of a man, which I often thought I wanted, it would never be for any other reason than my body. I mean, how could it? He wouldn’t know me. Something about that left me with an empty feeling. Even just in relation to other women, I realized that a lack of clothing leaves us vulnerable to hurtful comparisons between each other in a world so focused on looks.

As I continued to glance around the pool, my eyes stopped on a beautiful young woman in a one-piece. It was easily noticeable because of the rarity of it. She had a child with her and her husband sat and laughed beside her as they talked.

I was mesmerized. For whatever reason, it was in this little family that I discovered one fundamental truth about modesty that I had been missing:

You do not veil yourself because you believe you are ugly, you veil yourself because you know that you are beautiful.

For so long I believed that a one-piece or tankini showed the world that I thought my body was ugly and I needed to hide it. So, I stayed away from them at all costs to avoid judgment.

However, modesty is not about hiding faults, it is about veiling beauty. In veiling her beauty, this young mother allowed me to notice other things about her—her smile, her adorable family, her nurturing heart…and this was all from afar!

Modesty veils physical beauty in a world obsessed with it, in order to reveal the inner beauty that is often overlooked. It prevents lust, harmful comparisons, and insecurity and gives rise to confidence and a greater capacity to love yourself and others by recognizing your own worth without needing the affirmation of each person that sees you.

For me, bikinis were just the start. It is hard to turn back once you discover the freedom modesty brings.

Wherever you are at in this journey ask yourself this: What beauty am I revealing to the world, and is it leading me to the love my heart yearns for? But beware! You may be starting down a path of no return.

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kaylinKaylin Koslosky is finishing up her final year at Colorado State University, where she is pursuing her love for science and secondary education. She is a member of Chi Omega, a FOCUS student missionary, and a Biblestudy and retreat leader for RamCatholic. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and this world with others. She is currently working to publish her first book with her best friend Megan Finegan as a way of spreading a much-needed message of love to her female peers.

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The Paradox of Sexy Beauty

I still remember walking to the mall one day with my friend during the beginning of my high school years. We both had on cute outfits and were hoping to get some attention. We would smile and giggle when guys honked or whistled out of their windows, harmlessly enjoying the attention and affirmation.

Then one car actually pulled over as one of the men in the car hung out of the window calling to us and our hearts almost stopped! We thought we were going to die or be abducted, until they finally drove off again. That was not the last time we have gotten cat-calls but it was certainly the last time we went looking for them.

It’s funny that you can get what you want and then realize you have no idea what to do with it and even that you don’t actually want it. 

I think the same thing happens to the woman that gets all dolled up in a little black dress and goes to clubs, bars, or parties where most of the crowd has a ‘hook up culture’ mentality. She will get attention all right, but all too often it does not lead to the love she was hoping for.

It’s this paradoxical mindset of needing to be sexy in order to be beautiful that keeps many of us women finding ourselves wearing clothes or acting in ways that appeal to an idea that in order to find love we must be the hottest, sexiest woman in the room.

That may draw the eyes of men, but it will not draw the heart of one.

It contributes to lust and objectification because it feeds into the reduction of ourselves to just our sexual appeal. Our bodies become what we have to offer, afraid that our interior selves wouldn’t be enough.

The problem is that most of us don’t even know that we are doing this! Each woman who does this, at least deep down, really is hoping to have one man see her as beautiful, pursue her exclusively, and commit his life to her.

I know these were my intentions when I entered college wearing leggings, small tank tops, short shorts, and bikinis.

I wanted to be beautiful.

I wanted to be loved.

I wanted to be chosen, for one man to lay down his life for me.

I really had no intention of being a source of temptation or putting my body out there for all men.

As I met good, solid men and began to learn their sides of the story, I learned more about the billion dollar porn industry (for example that 1 in 5 online searches is for porn and about 70% of men in my age group use it monthly and a good amount of women do too) that had enslaved many of them since they were just little boys. I realized talking to them just how much my life truly affects those around me, especially living in the incredibly sexualized world that we do.

Us women send a powerful message to men by how we chose to dress, act, and speak. With true modesty we help our brothers who are on the road to healing their purity of minds and hearts. We help our sisters by making ourselves less tempting for harmful body comparisons. We help ourselves by taking a step towards preventing being seen as objects by those who do wish to lust after us and by inviting others to see the deeper mystery and fullness of our beauty as a whole woman.

Being beautiful does not mean being sexy. Being beautiful (and truly attractive to a man) means that your character, your heart, your virtue, your body–everything about you draws in the heart of a man and inspires him to rise to be worthy of your hand in marriage. Ultimately, it inspires him to grow in character and holiness so that he may be entrusted with you in your entirety.

Turning heads, attracting eyes, where does that lead you?

But turning a heart, now that is powerful.

“Beauty will save the world.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

[Listen to Kaylin’s interview with Jason Evert, discussing “Should Christian Women Wear Bikinis?” on the Love > Lust Podcast HERE!

______________________

Kaylin Zumwalt (Koslosky) is a part time high school science teacher and a full-time wife to her best friend/husband and mama to her beautiful little girl. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and true love with others.

 

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ll paradosso della bellezza sensuale

Ricordo che un giorno stavamo camminando al centro commerciale con una mia amica all’inizio degli anni del liceo.  Entrambe indossavamo degli abiti carini e speravamo di ottenere un po ‘di attenzione.  Sorridevamo e ridacchiavamo quando i ragazzi suonavano il clacson o ci fischiettavano dietro dalle loro finestre, e così ci godevamo, innocentemente, le attenzioni e gli attestati di affermazione.

A un certo punto un’ auto si fermò sul serio mentre e uno degli uomini in macchina uscì dal finestrino e ci chiamò, a quel punto, i nostri cuori quasi si fermarono!  Pensavamo di morire o di essere rapite, ma alla fine la macchina ripartì.  Non è stata l’ultima volta che abbiamo ricevuto richiami del genere, ma non andammo più alla ricerca di essi.

È buffo pensare che tu possa ottenere un certo obiettivo per poi realizzare che non hai idea di cosa farne e anzi che non volevi raggiungerlo affatto.

Penso che la stessa cosa accada a una donna che si agghinda con un vestitino nero per andare in discoteca, o al bar o a una festa dove la maggior parte delle persone hanno una mentalità dettata da una “cultura del possesso”.  La donna riceverà attenzioni, ma spesso questo non le porterà l’amore che sperava.

Si tratta di una mentalità paradossale che induce a pensare al fatto che per essere belle bisogna anche essere sexy e questo induce molte di noi donne a indossare vestiti o ad agire in modi che fanno appello all’idea che per trovare l’amore dobbiamo essere per forza la donna più sexy nella stanza in cui ci troviamo.

Ciò può attirare gli occhi degli uomini, ma non attirerà il cuore di nessuno di essi.

Questo atteggiamento contribuisce alla lussuria e all’ oggettivizzazione perché alimenta la riduzione delle donne al puro fascino sessuale.  I nostri corpi diventano solo ciò che abbiamo da offrire, temendo che il nostro io interiore non sia abbastanza.

Il problema è che la maggior parte di noi non sa nemmeno di comportarsi in questo modo!  Ogni donna che fa questo, almeno nel profondo del cuore, spera davvero che un uomo la consideri bella, che la insegua esclusivamente e s’impegni con lei per tutta la vita.

Solo oggi mi rendo conto che le intenzioni che avevo quando sono entrata al college indossando leggings, canottiere piccole, pantaloncini corti e bikini in fondo erano queste:

Volevo essere bella.

Volevo essere amata.

Volevo essere scelta affinché un uomo offrisse la sua vita per me.

Non avevo davvero intenzione di essere una fonte di tentazione o di mettere il mio corpo in bella vista per tutti gli uomini.

Ma quando ho incontrato degli uomini buoni e concreti e ho iniziato a conoscere il loro punto di vista ho imparato che l’industria del porno fa girare miliardi di dollari (ad esempio le statistiche dicono che 1 su 5 ricerche fatte online è dedicata al porno e circa il 70% degli uomini nella mia fascia di età ne fa un uso mensile così come pure una bella percentuale di donne) e allora ho capito che il porno riduce in schiavitù molti di loro sin da quando erano solo ragazzini.  Mi sono resa conto, parlando con loro, del fatto che la mia vita può davvero influenzare le persone intorno a me, specialmente vivendo in un mondo ipersessualizzato come il nostro.

Noi donne inviamo un messaggio potente agli uomini attraverso il modo in cui scegliamo di vestirci, agire e parlare.  Aiutiamo con modestia sincera i nostri fratelli che sono sulla strada per raggiungere la purezza di menti e di cuori.  Aiutiamo le nostre sorelle non facendoci tentare dall’utilizzo del corpo che porta a fare delle comparazioni dannose tra di noi.  Aiutiamo noi stesse facendo un passo avanti per impedire di essere viste come oggetti da coloro che ci potrebbero desiderare e invitiamo gli altri a vedere il nostro mistero più profondo e la bellezza di una donna in tutta la sua completezza.

Essere belle non significa essere sensuali.  Essere belle (e veramente attraenti per un uomo) significa che il tuo carattere, il tuo cuore, la tua virtù, il tuo corpo, tutto ciò che ti riguarda attira il cuore di un uomo e lo ispira ad elevarsi per essere degno della tua mano il giorno del matrimonio.

In definitiva l’uomo deve essere ispirato a crescere in carattere e santità in modo che possa essere affidato a te nella tua assoluta completezza.

Se ci pensi, in fondo,  dove ti porta far girare la testa e attirare occhi altrui?

Trasforma piuttosto il cuore degli altri poiché questa è qualcosa di davvero potente da realizzare oggigiorno.

Come scriveva  Fyodor Dostoevsky: “La bellezza salverà il mondo.”

Ascolta l’intervista di Kaylin a Jason Evert, che parla de “Le donne cristiane dovrebbero indossare bikini?”  sul podcast Love> Lust QUI! https://chastity.com/podcast/

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Kaylin Zumwalt (Koslosky) è un’insegnante di scienze part-time al liceo e moglie a tempo pieno del suo migliore amico / marito , Kaylin è anche mamma della sua bellissima bambina.  Kaylin ama fare escursioni e stare all’aria aperta ed è appassionata nel condividere la bellezza di Cristo e il vero amore con gli altri.

 

 

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The Universal Heartache of a Sexual Past

Whether you’re the one with the past or the one in love with someone with a past, discussing the sexual past is one of the hardest conversations to have (and keep having) during a discernment process.

 

On the one side, it’s the fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of being ‘too broken’ or ‘damaged’ to deserve love.

 

On the other side, it’s the fear of comparisons, of not measuring up, of having to accept that in a way you have had to share the heart and body of the one you love with another.

 

I recently did an interview with Song on Fire (a great Catholic group in India) on this topic and I was amazed at all of the questions that streamed in. Halfway around the world, and in a culture with different ways of marriage discernment/arrangement, the universality of the heartache that comes from dealing with the sexual past of yourself or the one you love was clear. The questions that came in were the same ones I have asked myself or my friends have asked in their relationships here in the USA. 

 

All of the questions spoke to the fact that the sexual past that we each bring into our relationship is unique, different than the other parts of our past we may share with one another. It has to do with a sacred act that is the culmination of making a gift of oneself to another in marriage. It is meant for your spouse alone so the person who is to be your spouse will often feel the pain as if the action is occurring now; almost like a current infidelity. Whether the acts were with an actual person or a virtual person (in pornography), the pain is deep on both sides. 

 

Since the wounds are connected to our deepest yearning for love and our greatest fear of being unlovable, the process of discussing it as a couple and healing from it can be tricky. 

 

Here are just a couple things to consider when really diving into this topic together as a couple:

●      You need to decide together how much of the past needs to be shared and what boundaries need to be set. 

○      If you are the one sharing something from your sexual past:  

■      Really pray about and discern how much you feel needs to be shared in order for you to feel known, understood, and, therefore, truly loved by the other. 

■      Be careful not to accidently “dump” every single detail on the other person, that may be more for spiritual direction or counseling as a part of your healing process. 

■      Be aware that you may need to reassure the other person many times of your love and why the other relationships ended and how the one you two share now is different. Pointing out concrete examples of your healing and change can be helpful, especially if the past you are sharing involves something addictive such as pornography.  

○      If you are the one learning the sexual past of the one you love: 

■      Really pray about and discern how much you need to know in order to help you know the other person better and seek understanding for what the person was going through at that time and where that person is currently at in the healing journey. 

■      Be careful you aren’t digging into intimate details or asking questions about ex’s for the sake of comparing yourself to them – it is such a temptation but it simply doesn’t help either of you.

■      Begin praying for the continued healing of not only the one you love, but of all of the ex’s. You may not want to at first but it helps you to go to those places in a loving way and begin to personalize the people instead of holding them up as fantasies you will never live up to. 

■      Be honest with your pain, but also be kind and loving because this topic is often very difficult for the other person to share with you.  

No matter which side you are on during these conversations and in the time of healing that follows, you each have to turn to the Father to find your worth and healing. Only then can you either vulnerably open up about where you have fallen and where it hurts, or courageously enter into those places with your love and work through the pain together. 

 

Remember, when discerning marriage you aren’t discerning if the other person is perfect or has more or less “baggage” than you, it’s about who are you being called to walk beside on this pilgrimage towards heaven. All crosses are lighter when carried together in love.  

 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

(2 Corinthians 12:9)

 

For the full Song on Fire interview: Link

Also, check out Jason Evert’s video “My partner’s sexual past haunts me . . . what can I do?

 ______________________________  

Kaylin Zumwalt (Koslosky) is a part time high school science teacher and a full-time wife to her best friend/husband and mama to their beautiful little girl (and one more baby due in August 2021). She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ, His Church, and true love with others. 

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Dating Through the Decades

She was the best catch I ever made—I don’t know how I got her, the seasoned fisherman said beaming at his beautiful bride of over 50 years.

My grandparent’s love never ceases to amaze me. 50 years of marriage seems next to impossible in our world today and because of this our trust in lasting love has dwindled—taking with it our standards for love. Meanwhile, the hook-up culture has soared because it offers a non-committal option of love with an easy out. I decided to take a look back in time to the 1960’s when my grandparents were in college and ask them what dating was like then. Here are some insights that they shared with me.

Dating in the 1960’s:

• The main thing about the dating world was there was always a huge amount of mutual respect. All things were done by having direct conversations, face-to-face. Women would go on dozens of dates and since there was not ‘hooking-up’ it was very easy and expected to respectfully talk and end the relationship if you were not clicking. There were very few, if any, of those ‘on-off’ relationships.

• Women as a whole were the regulators of the physical side of the relationship and there was no ‘sleeping together.’ This is what changed with the feminist movement. [Women gained the power to vote and to work but they lost all empowerment on the side of love. When women tried to have the ‘sexual freedom’ of men, they ended up losing much respect from men, and were often times left alone with children—since nature doesn’t go along with this mentality.]

• Dating naturally evolved and always had intention in those days. For the first date the man would pick you up, open doors for you, pay for the date, and maybe hold your hand, but there was seldom any kiss on the first date. When you did eventually kiss, it was a big deal. After about 2 months it was then the man’s responsibility to make things official and define the relationship.

• There was also a great tie between physical affection and the love you had for that person. There was not this great separation between heart and body as there seems to be today. You would not kiss somebody that you did not truly believe you loved. [Nowadays it is much harder to tell love apart from lust because of how quickly the physical side of a relationship tends to take over. This leads to using one another.]

• Love and relationships were very public. Even talking on the phone was a public event because there was usually only one phone in the hall or in the kitchen. This social awareness caused there to be more commitment and responsibility.

• There were more clearly defined roles between the man and the woman in the dating world. The men knew how to take a woman on a date, and the women knew that this meant the man was interested in her. There was much less guessing.

This courting world of the 1960’s was less than 60 years ago, and yet many of these points are so long gone that they seem hard to imagine in our world today. However, the underlying desires of love within the human heart have not changed. None of us longs to be in a love that is uncertain, fleeting, or secretive.

My brother, who is a Junior in college, made a powerful observation when he said that holding hands with a girl means much more than hooking-up. Be someone who requires a ‘hand-holding’ kind of love. A public love that is proud to show the world that you are committed to one another and pursuing a lasting relationship. There’s no need for uncertainty, games or guessing.

Sit down and make a list of what your standards are for dating, and decide right now never to settle for less. You are worthy of a love like the one between this caring fisherman and his sweet bride.

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Kaylin's Head ShotKaylin Koslosky is beginning her new journey as a high school science teacher. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and this world with others. She is the co-author of Daughter of the King: Wait, Where’s My Crown?! and co-founder of www.restoreyourcrown.com with her best friend, Megan Finegan.

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Beware of the Eclipse of the Heart

The pursuit of love: the flowers, the candlelight dinners, the stargazing, the lazy movie nights, the nights out on the town…it’s all so exciting and new! You skim the surface of the mystery of this stranger—excited by what you see, and wanting to know more. You think about each other when you are apart, and you come up with countless excuses to be together.

Yet what happens if you fast-forward this relationship a few years? I’ve noticed some similar patterns can occur among those that are still together. However, I would like to focus on one pattern in particular that I think is often ignored…

In this kind of relationship, the physical pursuit has remained mostly unchanged. You still say “I love you,” you go on dates, you do nice things for each other, you see each other a lot… etc. Maybe the physical pursuit has expanded to include physical intimacy in one way or another. The relationship continues on like this for months or years. The problem is, neither person has known quite how to word the longing that they have been feeling in their hearts all along; a desire for more. Not more flowers, not more gifts, not more romantic dates even—but more heart, more depth. Yet they have everything love should look like on the outside, so why would either one complain, right?

Without even realizing how it has happened, they suddenly look up and see that they do not know the person that they have claimed to love all these years. Neither knows the thoughts the other thinks throughout the day, nor the worries that burden their hearts. They do not know the times each other have cried, or the moments that made them smile. They do not know the places in the other that are still broken from the past, or the hopes that they have for the future. Neither even knows if they are truly loved by the other, though they’ve heard it said many times before.

Why does this happen?

Perhaps it is because the physical pursuit has eclipsed the pursuit of the heart. Here’s the thing about humanity—we are embodied souls. There is so much more to us than what meets the eye, and we long to be known for who we truly are. However when we do not take the time to pursue the depth of another—the unseen mystery—we fall back on what is easy, what is seen.

Movies, books, and media all tell us that to love someone means to buy them nice gifts, take them on fancy dates, and be sexually intimate with them. But they are not talking about love at all.

Dates, flowers, and cute gifts or gestures can all mean love, but only if it is through genuine love that they are given. The acts themselves do not inherently mean anything. An act is given its meaning by the intent with which it is done, the purpose for which it is instigated, and the greater truth that it expresses. When we just go through the motions of ‘love,’ we rarely ever find it.

Think of the people in your life that you truly love. Your mom? Your best friend? Your sibling? God? You love the people in your life who you feel truly know the real you, and love the real you. These are the people that you want to share your life with.

It is certainly no different when it comes to discerning marriage with someone, and seeking to possibly become one with them. We cannot let the physical pursuit take over our relationships. Speak up when you feel this way, because chances are you aren’t the only one feeling distant. Then make a change and choose times throughout the week to talk, share, and pray together. This is so vital to building and maintaining this foundational pursuit.

We have been created with beautiful mystery. Just as the mystery of our Creator is a pursuit that will take an eternity, each new layer of us contains more beauty and truth than the one before it. As a relationship progresses, more and more is revealed, as long as we are careful to make this the focus of our relationships.

Then if your relationship leads to Holy Matrimony one day, you can stand at the alter and say ‘I Do,’ and look into the eyes and heart of the other, knowing that you are truly ready to commit to those vows, and to a life of continuously pursuing the mystery within them.

______________________

Kaylin's Head ShotKaylin Koslosky is finishing up her final year at Colorado State University, and is beginning her new journey as a high school science teacher. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and this world with others. She is the co-author of “Daughter of the King: Wait, Where’s My Crown?!” and co-founder of www.restoreyourcrown.com with her best friend, Megan Finegan.

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Non avevo mai capito quanto un bikini potesse nascondere

Sapete cos’è la cosa che mi fa ridere del vestirsi in modo modesto? La cosa più difficile è iniziare, ma una volta che cominci diventa impossibile smettere.

Il mio viaggio con la modestia si è svolto a tappe, incoraggiato da domande che continuavo a pormi. Queste domande venivano da una continua battaglia interiore: volevo da una parte essere integrata e volevo essere vista/considerata come attraente, volendo però, allo stesso tempo, trovare l’amore ed essere vista come bella per come sono interiormente.

Un momento chiave in questo viaggio è stato un giorno in cui ero sdraiata in piscina per abbronzarmi nel mio nuovo bikini. Ho semplicemente iniziato ad osservare l’ambiente in cui mi trovavo. Ero circondata da donne di tutte le forme e taglie che stavano passeggiando oppure che stavano sdraiate come me, nei loro bikini. Mi sono accorta che c’erano alcune ragazze che mi passavano accanto tenendosi le braccia sulla pancia- un’insicurezza che capii immediatamente, pur avendo un fisico atletico. Altre giovani donne camminavano in modo confidente accanto al bordo della piscina, e sembravano uscite direttamente da una sfilata di moda. Era facile vedere che gli occhi degli uomini che le circondavano le seguivano attentamente.

Che si trattasse di donne che camminavano in modo confidente o in modo insicuro, o di donne con un’attitudine in mezzo a queste due, una cosa mi impressionò di ciascuna di esse. Non mi ero chiesta neanche una volta durante tutte le mie osservazioni e considerazioni di quella giornata “Chissà cosa le pesa sul cuore oggi”, “Chissà che personalità ha”, “Mi chiedo che cosa sogna di fare un giorno”. Tutti i miei pensieri erano stati diretti ai loro costumi o ai loro corpi. In quanto donna, poteva significare che mi chiedevo solo dove avesse comprato quel costume, oppure che paragonavo il mio corpo al suo, ma immaginate cosa ciò possa significare per un uomo! È difficile guardare una donna, che quasi non indossa nulla, e cercare allo stesso tempo la bellezza del suo cuore se è la bellezza del suo corpo che sta pubblicizzando, e dietro alla quale, forse, si sta anche nascondendo.

Dunque eccomi la, accorgendomi di tutto ciò e ciononostante stando sdraiata io stessa lì in bikini. Sapevo che se un uomo mi guardava, e spesso pensavo che io volessi ciò, non sarebbe mai stato per una ragione altra che il mio corpo, cioè, voglio dire, come sarebbe potuto essere per un motivo differente? Lui non mi conoscerebbe personalmente, mi guarderebbe solo. Qualcosa su questa riflessione mi lasciò con un sentimento di vuoto interiore. Anche solo in relazione ad altre donne, mi accorsi che l’assenza di vestiti ci lascia vulnerabili a paragoni che feriscono, in un mondo così concentrato sull’aspetto.

Mentre continuavo a guardarmi intorno alla piscina, i miei occhi si fermarono su una bellissima e giovane donna in un costume completo. Era facile accorgersi di lei perché era una rarità. Aveva un bambino con lei e suo marito era seduto accanto a lei e rideva mentre parlavano.

Ero incantata. Per una qualche ragione, era in questa piccola famiglia che scoprii una verità fondamentale sulla modestia.

Una persona non si vela perché pensa di essere brutta, ma si vela perché sa di essere bella.

Per così tanto tempo credevo che un pezzo unico o un tankini mostrassero al mondo che io pensavo che il mio corpo fosse brutto e che dovevo nasconderlo. Così cercai sempre di non utilizzarli per evitare di essere giudicata.

Però, lo scopo della modestia non è quello di nascondere i nostri difetti corporei. Il suo scopo è quello di velare la bellezza. Velando la sua bellezza questa giovane mamma mi permise di accorgermi di altre cose, come il suo sorriso, la sua famiglia adorabile, del come si prendeva cura di suo figlio… e tutto ciò a distanza!

La modestia vela la bellezza in un mondo che ne è ossessionato, per rivelare la bellezza interiore che spesso viene ignorata; previene la lussuria, i paragoni che feriscono, e l’insicurezza, facendo, nel frattempo, crescere la propria confidenza e dandoti una capacità maggiore di amare te stessa e gli altri rendendoti conto della tua dignità e del tuo valore senza avere bisogno dell’affermazione di ogni persona che ti vede.

Per me i bikini furono solo l’inizio. È difficile guardare indietro una volta che scopri la libertà che la modestia ti porta.

In qualsiasi posto e in qualsiasi situazione tu ti trovi in questo momento chiediti: Che tipo di bellezza sto rivelando al mondo e questa mi sta portando al tipo di amore che il mio cuore desidera? Ma stai attenta! Potresti essere sul punto di incamminarti su una strada senza ritorno.

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kaylinKaylin Koslosky is finishing up her final year at Colorado State University, where she is pursuing her love for science and secondary education. She is a member of Chi Omega, a FOCUS student missionary, and a Biblestudy and retreat leader for RamCatholic. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and this world with others. She is currently working to publish her first book with her best friend Megan Finegan as a way of spreading a much-needed message of love to her female peers.

 

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You are innocent, but you are not naïve.

To all my single ladies and single gentlemen out there who haven’t done much dating (or no dating at all), there are 3 terms that I want you to familiarize yourself with, and be able to distinguish between.

  1. Innocent: “the state of being free from sin; a lack of guile or corruption; purity”
  2. Purity: “the condition of being free from anything that debases, contaminates, or corrupts”
  3. Naïve: “having or showing a lack of judgment, or information; unsophisticated; ingenious”

Chances are that you are going to be made to feel, more often than not, “naïve” for your lack of dating history; if you haven’t already felt this vibe from others. That’s because these three words above have gotten jumbled, and confused by society as a whole. We have come to think that being “experienced,” when it comes to the dating world, means being “mature;” and that a lack there of, means that: you never grew up, you are naïve, and even that you are less likely to find love. But I want you to realize something—you may be innocent, you may be inexperienced, but you are not naïve, nor are you immature.

When I was in high school I never dated anyone. I never met a man that inspired me to want to. I also had no interest in the “typical high school relationship” that was constantly the talk of the hallways and lunch tables. I saw dating as discernment for marriage—where you end in either heartbreak or wedding vows. So I wasn’t overly anxious to risk the latter with someone, if I saw no hope in the former.

This mindset definitely was the less common stance of people my age. It was much more common to think “just have fun” “treat it as practice” “do it for the experience” and “do anything to have a boyfriend.” And I mean why wouldn’t everyone think that? Look at any Ad, TV show, movie, song, conversation topic of a group of girls in the lunchroom, etc. . . and chances are there is some kind of romance or relationship aspect to it. We are basically trained to believe that the natural thing to do is to be dating, and therefore unnatural not to be. You sit and listen to your friends talk about the dramas of their exciting relationships, and begin to wonder if it will ever be your turn.

By the time I got to college and people found out that I had never dated nor kissed a boy, (gasp!), everyone looked at me as if I had two heads! Not exactly what you’re going for when you’re trying to fit in at a new school. The hook-up culture around me made it clear that is was considered an accomplishment to hold the “best kisser” award, or others like it—as if being prepared or “experienced” physically makes you much more likely to find love. If that was the case, I was definitely out of luck. I became even a little ashamed of my inexperiencedness and feared that if I told any man that I liked in the future—he would simply laugh and leave. (which proved to be very false, by the way)

So if this story is similar to your own, and you have ever felt any of these moments of belittlement, alienation, or fear regarding your relationship status, then let me now share with you what Christ taught me when I finally turned to Him in prayer. He shared in my burdens and as I felt them lift, I heard in the depths of my heart what I had forgotten…You are never alone. You are not forgotten. You are simply made for a love far greater than the one that this world is settling for.

Don’t be belittled into thinking you are single by default. I realized that if I really wanted to, I could get dolled up, find a college house party, and find some guy that would be with me. The problem is, that’s not love, and I knew it wasn’t what I truly wanted. He’d be using me for my body, and I’d be using him for “love”—neither getting what our hearts yearn for. This is an extreme example, but we do this any time that we are using another person just so that we are in a relationship.

Choosing innocence, by not engaging in the hook-up culture and holding out for a man or woman that you truly desire to discern with, is not anywhere close to the same thing as being naïve. You know exactly what it is that you are choosing to abstain from, in order to focus on a love that is worth waiting for. And pursuing purity in your life now, and in any future relationships, does exactly what the definition says above—it keeps the love in your life free from “corruption.”

So enjoy this time of singleness! Focus on getting to know the heart of Christ, and letting Him know yours. Focus on finding good friends; on exploring new places; on trying new things; on finding the right career path; on loving those around you . . . focus on enjoying life! If God has fashioned you for marriage, then He has already fashioned the person that will become your other half. When the timing is right He will bring you two together, and trust me—the right person will cherish your choice to wait and to strive for purity, as a priceless gift, not as a childish fault. We are made for a pure and total love, don’t let the world guilt you into settling for anything less.

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Kaylin's Head ShotKaylin Koslosky is finishing up her final year at Colorado State University, where she is pursuing her love for science and secondary education. She is a member of Chi Omega, a FOCUS student missionary, and a Bible study and retreat leader for RamCatholic. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and this world with others. She is currently working to publish her first book with her best friend Megan Finegan as a way of spreading a much-needed message of love to her female peers.

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Want love? Speak up.

“1, 2, 3…Silent Game! First to talk loses!”

I bet most of us are familiar with this common childhood game. We would sit around on playgrounds or in class, trying to hold back giggling, and wait to see who would give in first. Unfortunately, the affect that silence can have within our relationships is far from the innocence of this harmless game.

Communication is a way of letting others glimpse the inmost workings of our thoughts and the inner lives of our hearts. It is, in many ways, a main method of vulnerability. A way to share ourselves with others. A way to make connections and form bonds. So it makes sense that anger, fear, or hurt would make us shy away from this vulnerability and place walls up to prevent against it. The walls of silence.

The problem is: The walls of silence may keep others out, but more damagingly they keep us locked in.

In an attempt to guard our hearts, we actually end up piercing them. The silence can make us feel alone, misunderstood, or belittled—all feelings which may be rightfully founded, and yet we fail to realize that it is ourselves, not the other person, that is all too often the source of their perpetuation.

We feel alone, because we have locked the other person out. We feel misunderstood, because we have not shared our feelings. We feel as if we are going to explode, because the pressure of our inner turmoil is continuing to build up behind the walls that are attempting to subdue it.

As this new kind of silence has begun to infiltrate our relationships, it has effectively stunted their ability to grow towards genuine love.

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
(1 Corinthians 13:7)

Is this not the love we seek? Then why are we still so afraid to speak? If love bears and endures all things, then being vulnerable and honest with your feelings allows the other person to show that it is truly love that you share. Love will not run because you get angry. Instead, love attempts to sort it out. Love will not leave because you express your fears or frustrations—its desire is to help calm your fears and help bear your anxieties. With all of our trials, we should seek Christ first, for His love truly never fails. But when you are in a relationship with someone, you must also learn to share these aspects with that person as well.

This sharing of life with another person will never work if it is the ‘perfected masks’ of yourselves that you are sharing, or the mask of being who you think the other person wants you to be, instead of who you truly are.

Life is hard at times, and so too is love. It takes a choice, a commitment, and it takes communication—being vulnerable. This means learning to share what you are truly feeling, even when you are afraid of the other person’s response, or when it is so much easier to stay silent.

This is never truer than with the topic of chastity within your relationship. Don’t be afraid to be the first to speak and bring up the need for you to both be on the same page about this—it is so vital to the foundation of your relationship. It is hard, but bringing up your longing for pure love not only allows you to clearly explain the love that you are looking for, to see if you are both seeking the same love, but also shows the other person that you respect yourself, and you respect them. If you care about each other, then this will be one of the most important conversations that you have. Then you can decide together the things that you need to do in order to best love one another, and choose what is best for the soul of the one you love, over the passions of a moment.

Know the love that you are looking for, the standards that you desire your future spouse to have, and what you think discernment should entail based on what marriage means. Then, don’t be silent—don’t settle. Don’t be afraid to be honest when you are mad or hurt or frustrated. Don’t be afraid to speak regarding different aspects of your discernment, such as chastity, and don’t be afraid to call each other back to a higher standard when you fall.

It is most definitely time for us to leave the “silent game” behind. Marriage is for a lifetime. We can’t let silence imprison us on our paths to that love.

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kaylinKaylin Koslosky is finishing up her final year at Colorado State University, where she is pursuing her love for science and secondary education. She is a member of Chi Omega, a FOCUS student missionary, and a Biblestudy and retreat leader for RamCatholic. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and this world with others. She is currently working to publish her first book with her best friend Megan Finegan as a way of spreading a much-needed message of love to her female peers.

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The Secret to True Love… from a Mattress??

“The marriage bed is an altar.” (Jason Evert)

The patterned comforter, comfy throw pillows, and springy mattress may not look like much, but neither does a large stone table. These ordinary places are transformed through the extraordinary mysteries that take place on them.

Sitting in a pew, looking up at the altar, I began to realize the depth of this statement. If the bed is an altar, then the act that takes place on it is a direct parallel to the act of Christ giving His body and blood to His bride, the Church, at the altar.

“Greater love has no one than this, to lay down one’s life for a friend ” (John 15:13)

I watched as the priest handled the Body and Blood, lovingly and reverently. The God of all things, vulnerably placing Himself in the priest’s hands. I began to think of how often we receive this gift of Christ without realizing the immense greatness of it. Maybe we are distracted, or maybe we take it for granted since we can receive Him daily if we choose, but either way we do not always receive Him with our eyes fully open.

And how often does this same thing happen in marriage? Each spouse completely surrenders themselves into the hands of the other, becoming one with the other. To be completely vulnerable with another person, to offer your heart and your body entirely, is terrifying! When you offer all that you are, you long to be appreciated; to be received with complete love and respect; and to be seen for who you truly are within. Yet because of the Fall we often fear that being vulnerable may lead to being turned away, taken for granted, used, judged, or misunderstood—All of which are done to Christ constantly.

These fears and failures to recognize the greatness of the immense gift within marriage can stem from many things: lust blinds the gift, lack of appreciation dulls the gift, and lack of true understanding of the gift cheapens it. In other words…

  • Being able to only see what is in front of your eyes (the body of your spouse, or the simple appearance of the host) blinds you from the immensity and beauty of the gift you are receiving.
  • Not realizing what an incredible honor it is to be trusted with the heart and soul of another (or to receive the God of all things into your own body) takes away the appreciation of the gift.
  • And not recognizing the mystery of all that stems forth from the gift and the purpose of that gift cheapens it and makes it shallow.

So whether you are married, discerning marriage with someone, or feel called to marriage as your future vocation, I propose that the way to best prepare to receive the gift of your spouse is to first learn how to receive the gift of Christ. And the best way to prepare to fully give yourself to your spouse, modeling Christ’s gift of self, is to learn first how to completely give yourself back to Christ in return.

In learning to receive, we must pray that our eyes may be opened to the invisible mystery embodied in a physical state. We must become fully present, and fully aware. We also must seek the heart of the giver, that we may better understand the greatness and pureness of His gift on a personal level. Then we will be prepared to seek these same things in marriage.

In learning to give, we must recognize that Christ held nothing back from us out of His love for us, and His covenant with us. He showed that the call to give is completely independent of the reception of that gift. By committing your life to Christ, to serving and loving Him, even when you don’t “feel like it,” you learn what it means to commit to love, and to the vows of the sacrament.

The simple statement, “the marriage bed is an altar,” reveals the secret of what it means to give and to receive love. In recognizing this divine parallel, we can greater understand the mystery and splendor of the gift of Christ, and in doing so prepare for the gift of self and reception of another in Holy Matrimony.

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kaylinKaylin Koslosky is finishing up her final year at Colorado State University, where she is pursuing her love for science and secondary education. She is a member of Chi Omega, a FOCUS student missionary, and a Biblestudy and retreat leader for RamCatholic. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and this world with others. She is currently working to publish her first book with her best friend Megan Finegan as a way of spreading a much-needed message of love to her female peers.

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Affection: Where do you draw the line?

How do we go about setting physical standards for dating?

Is it based on long you’ve known the guy? How much he’s done for you? How much you’ve told him about yourself?

Drawing lines like this can be like trying to draw lines in the sand—one wave comes and they’re gone. When we try to define our own standards for love, it can seem like an impossible task. Just when we are certain we have it figured out, we come up with ten different reasons to let the line slide back an inch: “I mean, at least there’s still a line right?”

Dating like this is exhausting! Constantly asking, “How far is too far?” and “Is this okay or not?” and “How do I know he wants me and not just my body?” These are all questions we ask ourselves time and time again. Maybe this is because we keep getting answers that we don’t like, or maybe we are simply asking the wrong questions.

“How far is too far?” This is the main question that we ask ourselves and it is the question that I spent so much of this past semester contemplating. I love him, so how do I show him that without compromising my values? Physical touch is one of my top two love languages, so wanting to express my heart through my actions comes all too easy to me. The intensity of the desire that you can feel to be close to someone that you love never ceases to amaze me. This is not a desire that can be easily resisted. What adds to the difficulty of this resistance is that these desires are something we should experience! It would be much more concerning if you were discerning marriage with someone and you did not desire to be close to them. That would probably make the “oneness” of a future marriage quite difficult.

So how do we take these natural desires, our love for the other person, and our desire to stay true to our values and answer this “how far is too far” question? We must look beyond our own sand-drawn lines. We must look to the creator of these desires and His original plan for them within marriage to find the answer.

What is the body of Christ’s bride worth? His life. What was He willing to do to show His love for her? He poured out all of Himself, holding nothing back. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, His bride. So our future husbands will be called to love us in this same total and giving way. The key is, as the future bride, we are not capable of setting our own price. If we want to find a husband that loves us as Christ loves us, then we must be willing to keep the standard set where Christ has set it.

Christ has chosen the price for love. Any price that we settle for, leads us to settling for a love that we do not truly desire. Isn’t it true that the more you pay for something or the harder you work for it, the more you treasure it? How much more can a man give than his life? The entirety of his heart, his love, his future children, his money, his last name… everything! As women, this is the kind of love that we yearn for. We long for a love in which we can give everything that we are, and know that we are loved in the same way. This is why Christ has chosen this price, for the protection of both men and women: to protect us from settling, and guide us back to the love we are created for.

Your body, your heart, and your life, are worth dying for. So instead of asking, “How far is too far?” begin asking yourself, “Am I looking at love in a short-term way, or a long-term way?” Then begin looking for ways to inspire the latter. Now you can focus on growing in love and friendship, instead of simply holding back physically in angst. Trust Christ with your heart, for He has paid its price.

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kaylinKaylin Koslosky is finishing up her final year at Colorado State University, where she is pursuing her love for science and secondary education. She is a member of Chi Omega, a FOCUS student missionary, and a Biblestudy and retreat leader for RamCatholic. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and this world with others. She is currently working to publish her first book with her best friend Megan Finegan as a way of spreading a much-needed message of love to her female peers.

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Fight On, My Brother

My Dear Brother in Christ,

We see you.

We see the fight you are engaged in.

We want you to know that you do not fight in vain, nor without gratitude.

In the times of knights and castles—in stories such as Braveheart—men went into battle for the protection of women and children, as well as their beliefs.

Now, you are fighting a similar fight. But instead of battlefields, it is within your mind and heart that war has been waged. Here you fight, day and night, against the lies of the enemy and the desires of the fall. You fight for our dignity. You fight for our hearts. You fight for Love.

You must combat the lie that this lust within you is the love that you were created for, the lie that the beauty of a woman lies in her body alone, the lie that conquering her makes you more of a man.

Instead, it is quite the opposite. It is the fight against this that makes you more of a man. This fight to be more; to love more, to see more.

As women, we long to be seen for more than our bodies. To be cherished, not used. We want to be beautiful to you not just for our clothes and make-up, but for our eyes, our smiles, our hearts and our souls. We want to be your best friend not just your lover.

We do not always show these desires, due to the effects the fall has had on us. Some of us may dress or act as if we condone, or even encourage, the thoughts or actions that tempt you. But this is not the case.

The heart of a woman is directly correlated to love and relationship. Within us, our Creator has instilled a great desire to be loved, but also a great fear of being used; acting as a protection for love. We long to be open and vulnerable, yet our hearts are surrounded by walls. From these we look out, wondering what each man is looking for. If it is a woman’s heart that a man seeks, then these walls begin to fall—revealing a beauty of great depth beyond her appearances, and her true self.

But if a woman finds that a man seeks only her body, the walls of her heart become as incapable of penetration as the locked gates of a castle. Then whether she allows that man to use her body or not, it is only the shell of her beauty that he will be seeing.

Beyond the physical actions, we as women also fear the battle within a man’s mind And that is why I say that you do not fight thanklessly; we cannot express the depth of our gratitude for you when you fight for our dignity. It is not true that what happens in your mind hurts no one but yourself. What happens in your mind reflects the state of your heart. And we long to be loved by all of you—heart and mind. You cannot be capable of pure love while using our bodies within fantasies that we want no part of, and would not consent to.

So fight on my brother. Wage war not just for our dignity and the love that we desire to share with you, but for your own dignity and strength as a man. Remember too that you do not fight alone. Fight alongside your brothers, follow the lead of your great commander, Christ, and defeat the serpent that seeks to ruin love.

Take back the custody of your eyes and mind by allowing Christ to fully command your heart. Choose to see us for who we are and restore the depth and beauty of the human person.

The battle is long and tiring, but persevere—for so much depends on it.

“Every man dies, not every man really lives.”

~William Wallace (Braveheart)

“Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.”

~Ephesians 6:10-11

With Much Gratitude, Prayers, and Love,

                                                                                     Your Sisters in Christ
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kaylinKaylin Koslosky is finishing up her final year at Colorado State University, where she is pursuing her love for science and secondary education. She is a member of Chi Omega, a FOCUS student missionary, and a Biblestudy and retreat leader for RamCatholic. She loves hiking and being outdoors, and is passionate about sharing the beauty of Christ and this world with others. She is currently working to publish her first book with her best friend Megan Finegan as a way of spreading a much-needed message of love to her female peers.

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