Chastity

Promoting the Virtue of Chastity

Hudson Byblow

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Esperanza después del arco iris

 

Soy un hombre católico y la atracción hacia personas del mismo sexo es parte de mi historia. Sin embargo, recientemente se ha escrito
¿Qué? 
Déjame explicarte…
No se trata de terapia 
Esto no tiene nada que ver con la terapia con el objetivo de cambiar de “gay” a “heterosexual”. Nunca he hecho eso, y he encontrado paz al saber que la Iglesia no está tratando de que yo siga con eso. Sin embargo, esto ha llegado a ser después de muchos años de esforzarme continuamente por decir “Sí” a Dios, y “Sí” a crecer en virtud (en particular, la virtud de la castidad, con la que luché durante la mayor parte de mi vida).
Llegué a desear un corazón casto porque deseaba la santidad, y deseaba la santidad porque deseaba unir mi corazón con el corazón de Jesucristo. Este deseo surgió porque experimenté por primera vez el amor de Cristo a través de alguien como tú; alguien que simplemente me amaba en el momento de mi vida y que eligió acompañarme en mi viaje.
A lo largo de ese viaje, me sentí cada vez más atraída por las mujeres virtuosas, aquellas que entenderían los fundamentos de una relación conyugal santa, y con las que podría crecer hacia una mayor virtud, ¡posiblemente incluso dentro de un matrimonio!
El Problemo
 
Muchos piensan que debido a que la atracción hacia el mismo sexo es parte de mi historia, no es posible y que me estoy engañando a mí mismo. Esta respuesta desalentadora refleja una mentalidad cerrada a lo que Dios podría escribir en nuestros corazones.
Otros simplemente tratan de etiquetarme como “bisexual”, pero esto revela en ellos una cerrazón mental a mi historia; una mentalidad cerrada para entender quién soy y cómo llegué a donde estoy hoy. Mira, esto no se trata tanto de la sexualidad como de Dios, y de cómo Él puede transformar nuestros corazones.
Cómo empezó todo
En 2007, llegué a desear una sexualidad sagrada (¡gracias Christopher West!) y, por primera vez, abrí mi corazón a la castidad. Comencé el largo camino de romper una adicción a la pornografía de casi toda la vida (¡gracias Matt Fradd!) y me abrí a la idea de preparar mi corazón para mi futuro cónyuge, si eso está en el plan de Dios para mí (¡gracias Jason Evert!).
Por la gracia de Dios, encontré la fuerza (y el apoyo) para hacer algunos cambios importantes en mi vida.
El efecto neto fue este: pasé de considerar las relaciones entre personas del mismo sexo (sin esperanza de casarme con una mujer o ser padre) a adorar el Santísimo Sacramento y ofrecer mi vida a Dios. Cuanto más dejaba ir mi propia voluntad, más podía Dios obrar en mi corazón (esto ahora puedo verlo retrospectivamente).
Métodos misteriosos
A principios de 2014, Dios escribió audazmente en mi corazón que buscara la amistad con una mujer en particular. Con un coraje que nunca antes había visto en mi interior, eso es lo que hice.
En el tiempo que pasamos juntos y separados, hubo gracias señaladas. Fue divertido e inspirador, pero también transformó la vida de maneras santas y profundamente virtuosas. Así es como supe (y sé) que era de Dios. Llegué a tener la esperanza de que ella pudiera ser mi futura esposa.
Me sentí muy atraído por ella y supe que estaba llamado a proteger su honor de todas las maneras posibles, y a orar por ella. Con el tiempo, crecimos juntos en santidad y nos revelamos nuestros corazones poco a poco entre risas, sonrisas y afecto apropiado.
La amaba de la manera en que Dios me llamaba a amarla en ese momento, y comencé a enamorarme de ella también (románticamente, es decir). Ella trajo gran alegría a mi corazón, mientras me acercaba más a Cristo.
Esperanza restaurado
Aunque no terminamos juntos como pareja, esta experiencia me mostró que no tenía que renunciar a la esperanza de algún día ser esposo y padre. De hecho, ¡me ayudó a restaurar la esperanza más que nunca!
Su nombre… en realidad significa “Esperanza”. ¡Qué asombroso es eso!
Ahora, si está en el plan de Dios que realmente me case o no, es otra historia. Es Su historia, y estoy bien con eso.
Pero hoy… I. Tener. Esperanza.
— — — BIO — — —
Hudson Byblow es un orador, autor y consultor católico que vive en el Medio Oeste, donde tiene una carrera en educación. Se ha presentado en conferencias nacionales e internacionales en los Estados Unidos y Canadá y también se presenta al clero, escuelas y parroquias. Además, Hudson se desempeña como consultor de varias agencias, oradores y educadores católicos. Su sitio web es www.hudsonbyblow.com y se puede reservar enviando un correo electrónico a info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Por favor… No me llames gay

Dondequiera que voy, me presionan para asumir la identidad gay y hacerla “quien soy”. La atracción hacia el mismo sexo, siendo parte de mi historia, hace que muchas personas no puedan verme de otra manera. Sin embargo, te pido desde el fondo de mi corazón: Por favor, deja de llamarme gay.
 
La razón es más grande que yo, o al menos así es cómo me siento. Es porque tus palabras importan; y porque influyen en nuestro clima social.
¿Decir qué?
Cuando nos referimos a las personas como “gays” o “heterosexuales” (o incluso “homosexuales” o “heterosexuales”), esto es lo que realmente estamos haciendo:
1. Hacemos que lo normal sea vernos a nosotros mismos en primer lugar de acuerdo con las atracciones que experimentamos en lugar de con nuestra identidad como hijos e hijas amados de Dios.
2. Privamos a las personas de darse cuenta de que las atracciones que se experimentan (y que no se eligen específicamente) son distintas a las de la identidad asumida (que se elige específicamente).
3. Privamos a las personas de llegar a darse cuenta de que las atracciones sexuales son parte de una experiencia humana fluida, y que la experiencia de cualquier atracción no significa necesariamente que la persona experimentará esa atracción por el resto de su vida.
4. Privamos a las personas de la oportunidad de saber que el hecho de que sientan atracción hacia personas del mismo sexo no significa que deban identificarse como “gays” para ser honestos consigo mismos. Muchas personas que experimentan atracciones hacia personas del mismo sexo quieren ser honestas consigo mismas sobre las atracciones que están experimentando, pero por distintas razones, no quieren aceptar la etiqueta de identidad gay. Tenemos que respetar eso.
5. Incorporamos (falsamente) la idea de que nuestra naturaleza es el “ser gay”, cuando en realidad nuestra naturaleza es amar y querer ser amados, y perseguimos esos deseos en función de una serie de factores como nuestro autoconcepto, nuestra experiencia con relaciones anteriores (sexuales y no sexuales) y nuestro grado de confianza en los demás, entre otros.
6. Hacemos que la castidad parezca una montaña rusa a través del infierno porque pasamos por alto la cuestión de la identidad misma. Por lo tanto, si una persona percibe que “ser gay” es “lo que es”, entonces perseguir la castidad será visto como ir en contra de su naturaleza (o al menos lo que percibe como su naturaleza).
Lo que podemos hacer
Esto se puede evitar si dejamos de referirnos a las personas con este tipo de etiquetas para referirnos a su identidad. Aquí hay tres cosas en las que podemos enfocarnos para ayudar a llegar al corazón de las personas con este mensaje:
  • Dios nos llama a todos a una vida de virtud.
  • Si la virtud se modela con alegría, es más probable que la gente la desee.
  • Ese modelo gozoso debe ser vivido nada más y nada menos que por ti y por mí.
Esto es muy importante porque una vez que un corazón desea la virtud, llegará a desear a Cristo ante todo, y eso se revelará en la identidad que uno asume.
Y ese será el mayor testigo de la transformación.
 
Para terminar… De mi corazón al tuyo
(Traducido del inglés, por lo que no rimará como debería.)
Por favor, no nos llames “gay”
Porque eso no es “lo que somos”
Sí, atracciones que experimentamos
Pero somos más, con diferencia.
Mira, algunas etiquetas son inadecuadas
Dejando menos que la verdad reflejada
Pero si lo convertimos en “lo que somos”
A continuación, una identidad que hemos seleccionado.
Entonces, si valoramos la honestidad
Con coraje, la verdad a la que nos enfrentaremos:
Atracciones experimentadas que no elegimos
Pero la identidad la elegimos asumir.
Esto es muy importante, por favor entiende
Debido a que un clima, formamos
Llamando a la gente “gays” y “heterosexuales”
Hemos creado la nueva norma.
La norma por la cual el autoconcepto
Está anclado fuertemente en el corazón y la mente
Sobre nosotros mismos por encima del
Creador Reflejando la falsedad del Diseño
Entonces, ¿quiénes somos realmente?
Esa es la pregunta del momento.
Somos personas primero, amadas por
Dios infinito Y somos finitas, por debajo de Su Poder
Así que antes de hablar de “gays” y “heterosexuales”
Ten en cuenta las palabras que usas para
Reflejar lo que es objetivamente verdadero;
Que las atracciones experimentadas no las elegimos, sino que asumimos la identidad, la hacemos.
_____________________________________________
— — — BIO — — —
Hudson Byblow es un orador, autor y consultor católico que vive en el Medio Oeste, donde tiene una carrera en educación. Se ha presentado en conferencias nacionales e internacionales en los Estados Unidos y Canadá y también se presenta al clero, escuelas y parroquias. Además, Hudson se desempeña como consultor de varias agencias, oradores y educadores católicos. Su sitio web es www.hudsonbyblow.com y se puede reservar enviando un correo electrónico a info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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From Pride to Peace

I did it!! I walked away from my prior LGBTQ+ mindset. I am way happier now, no longer looking to Pride Rainbows for support, sense of being, or identity. How? Because God’s love touched my heart, specifically through the journey of striving to grow in chastity. Along the way, I discovered that chastity is proposed (not imposed) by the Church. We all have free will to embrace or reject that proposal, no matter our romantic/sexual attractions or our state in life (married or single). 

I hope that everyone in the world can taste the peace, love, joy, hope, and freedom that I now experience today in that journey.  

While striving to grow in chastity, I also came to see these life-transforming truths, with regard to all things LGBTQ+:  

  1. Feeling uncomfortable in my self-concept (as a boy) did not mean I was trans! Rather, society hijacked my body discomfort and desire to belong and “assigned it” the meaning of “being trans.” Society lied to me by saying the only way I could be honest with myself is if I embraced an LGBTQ+ type of identity. Welp, I’m honest with myself about the wholeness of my romantic/sexual attractions/inclinations, and I don’t need to (or want to) take on an LGBTQ+ identity. So there.
  2. My desire for intimate closeness with a person of the same sex did not mean that my identity is “gay.” I see now that I was longing for closeness that could arise from a holy friendship. Today, I am convinced that the world doesn’t understand friendship, let alone holy friendship. This book, Spiritual Friendship, was very helpful along the way – big recommend!
  3. I didn’t need to act on attractions/inclinations to “find out” or “make sure” of my sexuality. I already knew that if something felt really good, I was weak-willed enough to probably aim for that over and over again, in any context. Instead, the pursuit of chastity helped me grow in self-control. Now that changed my life – the intentional practice of self-control. It helped counter my tendency to go head-and-heart first into relationships the moment anyone gave me the time of day (I was a thirsty kid, I can admit). Isolation from shame didn’t help either, but pursuing chastity blew the isolation and shame out of the water (over time).
  4. Attractions needed to be considered distinct from identity/self-concept. This helped me depart from a “victim mindset,” for I could choose God anytime, anywhere. THAT helped me realize that I could still write the next chapter of my life.  
  5. A guaranteed fruit of chastity is holy relationships, and a possible fruit of holy relationships is holy opposite-sex sexual/romantic attractions. I’m living proof that this can occur (and I am far from alone in that).

 

Most importantly, I’m here because people like you radiated an attractive example of God’s love that hooked me from the beginning. I can’t look back, nor do I want to. Opening my heart to chastity has brought something far more beautiful, and I want the whole world to know! 

God bless!

_______________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Porn and the Epidemic of Singleness

Many men underestimate the impact of their attachment to pornography. I’m not trying to villainize anyone, for I know first-hand the power that pornography can have over one’s life. In fact, most of the men that I know are repulsed by the idea of pornography and are disgusted with themselves for falling to it.

But it has contributed to a deeper problem.

Pornography Use as a Symptom
Often, men have become exposed to pornography early in life. Their use of it predates their relationship with their wife/girlfriend, and is therefore not because of their wife/girlfriend. The shame and guilt that follows does not help men become healthy, strong, and virtuous. Rather, they point a man towards continued escapism. After all, who wants to look in the mirror and not like who they see? Or see that they are a failure? As such, pornography can be seen as a form of self-medication. It just happens to be a medication that kills the soul and relationships.

Understanding the roots of some people’s desire to escape into pornography does not excuse anyone from their choices to self-medicate in this way. Likewise, it’s not to undermine the feelings of betrayal experienced by women when their husband/boyfriend falls to that temptation. Those feelings need to be acknowledged. However, a deeper understanding of the roots might help women become less inclined to believe the lie that it is because they are not good enough, or are undesirable – even if a man were to say something as horrible as that. For women who do struggle with feelings of betrayal on account of their boyfriend’s/husband’s pornography use, please check out Bloom.

A Dearth in Society 

In the meantime, the pornography epidemic has created a dearth of good, holy men, who would be suitable for holy marriage. And this means there will be greater proportion of virtuous women who, in upholding a reasonable standard of holiness (while not expecting anyone to be perfect), aren’t finding a suitable man to marry.

Choosing to remain in the single state, “in waiting” for future holy marriage (not implying a “vocation to the single life”) may be the way to greater joy. The alternative would be to succumb to the desires of the flesh (and or season of life) oneself and engage with a man who seeks the passions of the flesh above holiness. To enter into a relationship like this, however, would inhibit the possibility of a couple ever being able to enter first and foremost into the passions of the spirit, anchored on God, while modeling Trinitarian spousal love by way of fully and joyfully giving themselves to one another in accordance to God’s authorship – without anyone feeling used or objectified, without any anxieties about inadequacy, and without any fear of being rejected.

Why would anyone settle for a love less than that? 

The Greatest Desire
The more that marriage to a spouse is idolized, however, the greater the despair among those who desire marriage but who never enter marriage. The more that holiness is elevated to be one’s primary pursuit, the less of a sting will foregone marriage be, for the lack of a marriage will not as much be seen as a failure to fulfill one’s purpose in life. That is, those pursuing holiness above marriage are in a better position to weather the true and justified storm of emotions that may arise on account of never having that deep desire for marriage ever being fulfilled.

This is not to say that foregone marriage shouldn’t be grieved, but rather simply that a holy marriage should be the after-effect of first seeking God and holy relationships overall.

In Conclusion
Given the reality that there are far fewer men who are available for holy marriage than before, it behooves us all more than ever to point women and men towards the primary goal of holiness above marriage, such that when hopes and dreams of marriage remain unfulfilled, there will be fewer people who enter into darkness and despair.

If we shifted our focus in this way, we could instead use our lives to continuously proclaim the goodness of the Lord, while evangelizing to the world in the most profound of ways, which includes the patient endurance of real suffering, however, with peace and joy in our hearts.

___________________________


Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

 

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The Importance of Pure Affection

Several years ago, Dr. Jordan B. Peterson was thrust into the limelight, and with that, many key concepts relating to healthy masculinity came to light. He helped me realize that I needed to engage in transforming my own life for the better, and whilst I still have room to grow, I’ve never looked back.

One idea he brings is that men shouldn’t strive to “be nice,” but rather that men should strive to be dangerous – but with self-control. I see this proposal to enact self-control as foundational to Catholics who are striving to grow in the fullness of virtue, which includes striving to practice chastity.

Self-Control and Physical Touch
Self-control also breaches the topic of physical touch, and thus also expressions of intimacy with others – including our romantic interests. Today, with people being so touch-starved (and therefore holy-touch-starved), it behooves us to have conversations about the degree to which a couple’s journey towards holy intimacy should include healthy, holy touch, of course gifted in a way that reflects self-control and self-giving love for one another.

Caveat
Forms of affection that are proper to marriage, of course, still need to wait for marriage. Likewise, if someone thinks any touch would send them down a spiral of “going too far,” then they’re right in avoiding it for the sake of avoiding the occasion of sin, however, they need to work on that internally instead of perpetually fleeing from it.

A Reflection on Fear of Physical Touch
One Catholic man I know shared some helpful (and challenging) thoughts on this, and I hope all men and women consider his words, or at least pray about them. He wrote:

“I recently read an online comment from a “man” who claimed that there should be no touch until marriage. I thought that was so pathetic, lukewarm, immature, and fear-based. If a man is fearful of touch/physicality, let alone initiating it, then he is not yet the man he needs to be, to healthily enter relationship. Further, if a man is afraid of affectionate touch being an occasion of sin, then we need to pray that he comes to see this as a type of spiritual sickness that needs to be healed. . . . So, what might he be afraid of? He’s afraid of his own power, his own wildness, and possibly the idea of being rejected on account of expressing himself, as he is in his current state. A weak man, or a man who might still be overly wounded, fears venturing out into the wild to make himself vulnerable via taking responsibility for himself and others relationally. However, masculinity, in its natural state, craves this wildness, and a man who suppresses this wildness suppresses his true masculinity. . . . The fact is that men should be passionate and should be able to experience a burning desire to share the gift that they delight in their spouse, perhaps manifesting in them “taking” her (with her consent, of course). Further, a man should be comfortable in residing in that holy, self-giving passion whilst giving of himself to her, as opposed to trying to merely suppress/bury (run away from) those desires under fake facades of piety. That is, he should channel his passion, and refine it with self-sacrifice for the sake of others and for the sake of the kingdom. This is not a manifestation of mere behaviour management, but rather is a true manifestation of the practice of virtue – and it is through striving to grow in the fullness of virtue that the heart is gradually transformed. Virtue, which is increased through hard work, is the reason a man treats his woman with dignity, not because of his neutered lukewarmness that keeps him afraid of responsibility. As spoken about in Fr. Calloway’s Consecration to St. Joseph, the young St. Joseph could live chastely because he worked hard for that virtue. It was a sacrifice for him to give up the pleasures of sex because the wildness and the passion was still within him. He wasn’t a burned-out shell of an old man left with no drive, and we shouldn’t be either.”

Parting Questions
With that being said, what does manifesting self-control, initiating holy touch, and preparing yourself for an intimate, self-sacrificial, passionate, and chaste love-life with your future spouse look like to you?

___________________________


Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

 

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Porn and What No One Is Talking About  

Some people consume pornography and are okay with it. Others with the same inclination hate it. This article is about the latter.

Why do we do what we do? 

Why would someone do something they hate to do? Good question. Ask a person who struggles with bulimia, or who hopelessly remains within an abusive relationship or within a cycle of using drugs. Ask a person who knows how awful it feels to powerlessly collapse to some tendency that haunts them and that they know will cause harm to themselves and/or possibly others.

What could be at the root of such tendencies? Many things. What could be connected to any one of those roots? Some inclination to enter into self-abuse. This is not to create an “excuse” for people to behave in certain ways. Rather, it is brought up to challenge how we interpret things – including the horrid scourge of pornography that is ravaging so many people and destroying so many relationships.

Why Self-Abuse is Relevant
If entering into pornography was rightly seen as a form of self-abuse, then it would be easier for people to connect the use of pornography to the topic of trauma. If that connection could be made, then more people would consider trauma-informed approaches when dealing with pornography addiction/compulsion. This could lead to a whole host of more compassionate responses to persons who struggle with it. Further, it could lead to helping people understand that trauma-informed approaches/responses are needed in this area, just as they are needed when counseling people who are caught in physically abusive relationships with others.

It might also further help people detach from the idea that a man’s descent/backslide into pornography is because their significant other is “not good enough.” Rather, it could help people realize that this type of descent/backslide could be connected to a person returning to the “scene” of prior trauma. It seems to be well-known that persons abused by others often have a difficult time departing from that environment of abuse. Likewise, it would only be reasonable to postulate that persons who suffer in the cycle of self-abuse would follow a similar pattern, at least to some extent. Thus, if we want to lessen the damage to relationships caused by pornography use, we ought to strive to temper our responses according to circumstance.

Our Responses Matter
The idea that it might be helpful to understand one’s broader circumstance, which may include a person’s tendency to compulsively return to prior traumas, should behoove us to strive to get to know one another better! It should behoove us to strive to foster healthier, holier, and more intimate relationships overall (with intimacy here being connected to the intimacy of holy friendship). If we do not strive for this, we put ourselves at risk of responding in ways that further erode relationships – and which may inflict further trauma.

Fostering a greater degree of intimacy-in-friendship, however, will help us understand one another’s circumstances with greater clarity. This will have the good effect of us being able to respond more appropriately to where someone is at, which should correspondingly decrease responses borne out of a sense of anxiety of not feeling good enough, fears of being unchosen relative to others, and or rage on account of feeling like bonds of trust have been broken. In fact, what we should trust is that persons who have not begun to process and healthily move on from their traumas will remain relatively closely tied to the cycle within which they are already trapped.  Thus, growing in a trauma-informed approach is absolutely necessary!

Difficult to Accept 

I realize that this might be very difficult for many women to accept, especially if they have been traumatized by their boyfriend’s/husband’s backslide into pornography. And I accept and acknowledge that many women feel a crushing sense of betrayal on account of this. However, I wonder how some mountainous degree of despair, especially among women, might be prevented/alleviated if our whole culture began to talk about the compulsion to escape into pornography as being possibly connected to deeply rooted trauma-wounds that have yet to be addressed, or at least not addressed to a sufficient degree.

It is my hope that this angle may be explored with a heart of charity by all.

God bless you all.

___________________________


Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

 

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Dear sisters, please don’t settle!

Pornography kills.

It kills love, intimacy, and relationships. Sometimes it even kills people. Literally, a friend of mine almost died while on the receiving end of someone’s pornographic fantasy.

I pray that you never let it kill you physically or spiritually. However, if you let pornography into your life, even via a relationship with someone who is enslaved to it, it will begin to do exactly that. Do Not Date the Undatable 

For the longest time, I could not give of myself in the way I needed to, because I was enslaved. I used the reality of my early exposure to pornography as an excuse for why I was so deeply attached to the desire to look at it, even though many times I was repulsed with my choices to do so. “I deserve to unwind,” “Just one more time,” “I could be doing worse things,” and other excuses continuously bubbled forth. Meanwhile, I’d consent to Satan, pound nails into the hands of feet of Jesus Christ on the Cross and say with my choices “I see your suffering, but in this moment, I don’t care.” I would accept the lie that I had no other option and would fall to the grievous sin of presumption – giving myself “permission” to crucify our Lord because He would forgive me anyway. I would turn inwards and dwell in shame and withdraw from people who could help me grow as a man. Instead, I grew older and older, but was still a boy.

I was undatable.

Seeing with New Eyes
For the longest time, I thought I could just suppress my desires to look at porn. I didn’t yet realize those desires were symptoms of something deeper. For the longest time, I thought that the deeper root was that I struggled to manage my frustrations and was caught in the cycle of living in a pity-party because life wasn’t turning out how I hoped, based on some wild expectations I had which were both unrealistic and bolstered by what I saw in pornographic images and videos. Now, however, I can see that the deeper root was that I was running from responsibility.

I’d make excuse after excuse for falling back into it, but the truth was that I didn’t want Jesus Christ enough. I didn’t want to love Him like I ought. I had become friends with the devil and was comfortable with him because he and his ways were familiar. Sure, I did a lot of Catholic-looking things, but behaviors alone do not point to a virtuous heart. That’s where I had it backwards: Catholic-looking behaviors do not necessitate a virtuous heart, but a virtuous heart will necessarily (eventually) bring about Catholic-looking behaviors. 

Again, I was undatable.

I was blind to the idea that I was not ready for a relationship, even though I was clearly not able to give of myself in a way befitting of future spousalship. As I ran from my responsibility to love and lead as I ought, in the ways of faith and of spiritual protection for myself and a future family, I projected my disappointment that people wouldn’t conform to my fantasies. Anyone who was less than pornographically-perfect was never good enough, according to my then idealist, “perfectionist,” and hyper-distorted understanding of relationships.

I was indeed, undatable.  Ladies, please take my advice. Even though I was Rosary in-hand, and accessing the Sacraments, I was still in bondage. All of the Catholic-looking behaviors in the world could never counter the effect of the then-unhealed wounds which influenced me to hate myself (and my future family) enough to use pornography and turn away from God’s call to chastity and holiness.

However, thank God for restoration.

Cooperation with God’s grace has brought contrition of heart, true repentance, and ongoing conversion. Most importantly, it has brought me to accept responsibility for my own actions. It helped me prioritize holy friendships and increased accountability with other men. It has helped me prioritize the will of God above the pursuit of comfort, which has brought about the healing of wounds, and an increased desire to conform my heart to Christ on the Cross.

Porn counters this in every way.

Ladies, do not settle.

___________________________


Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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L’importanza dell’affetto puro

Diversi anni fa, il dottor Jordan B. Peterson è stato portato alla ribalta e con ciò sono venuti alla luce molti concetti chiave relativi alla mascolinità sana.  Mi ha aiutato a capire che dovevo impegnarmi a trasformare la mia vita in meglio, e mentre avevo ancora tempo per crescere, non mi sono mai guardato indietro.

Un’idea che avanza Peterson è che gli uomini non dovrebbero sforzarsi di “essere gentili”, ma piuttosto che gli uomini dovrebbero sforzarsi di gestire la propria natura selvaggia , ma controllandosi.  Vedo questa proposta di mettere in atto l’autocontrollo come fondamentale per i cattolici che si sforzano di crescere nella pienezza della virtù, che include lo sforzo di praticare la castità.

 Autocontrollo e contatto fisico

 L’autocontrollo viola anche il tema del contatto fisico, e quindi anche le espressioni di intimità con gli altri, compresi i nostri interessi romantici.  Oggigiorno le persone sono davvero affamate di contatto (e quindi affamate di santo contatto), conviene quindi discutere sul viaggio di una coppia verso la santa intimità che dovrebbe includere un certo grado di contatto sano e santo, naturalmente dotato in un modo che  rifletta l’autocontrollo e l’amore di chi si dona reciprocamente.

 Avvertimento

 Le forme affettive proprie del matrimonio, naturalmente, devono ancora attendere il matrimonio.  Allo stesso modo, se qualcuno pensa che qualsiasi contatto lo manderebbe in una spirale di “andare troppo lontano”, allora ha ragione a evitare l’occasione di peccato, tuttavia, si ha bisogno di lavorare su questo internamente invece di tentare di fuggire perennemente  da questo discorso.

 Una riflessione sulla paura del contatto fisico

 Un uomo cattolico che conosco ha condiviso alcuni pensieri utili (e stimolanti) su questo, e spero che tutti gli uomini e le donne considerino le sue parole, o almeno preghino per loro.  Egli ha scritto:

 “Recentemente ho letto un commento online di un “uomo” che sosteneva che non ci sarebbe stato contatto fino al matrimonio.  E allora ho pensato che una frase del genere fosse così patetica, tiepida, immatura e basata sulla paura.  Se un uomo ha paura del contatto / della fisicità, figuriamoci di iniziare qualunque cosa, allora non è ancora l’uomo di cui ha bisogno per entrare in una relazione sana.  E, inoltre, se un uomo ha paura che il contatto affettuoso sia un’occasione di peccato, allora dobbiamo pregare che arrivi a vedere questo come un sorta di malattia spirituale che deve essere guarita.  .  .  .  Allora, di cosa potrebbe aver paura?  Egli ha paura del proprio potere, della propria natura selvaggia e forse dell’idea di essere rifiutato a causa dell’espressione di se stesso per quello che è nel suo stato attuale.  Egli è un uomo debole, o un uomo che potrebbe essere ancora eccessivamente ferito, ha paura di avventurarsi nella natura selvaggia per rendersi vulnerabile assumendosi la responsabilità di se stesso e degli altri a livello relazionale.  Tuttavia, la mascolinità, nel suo stato naturale, brama questa natura selvaggia, e un uomo che sopprime questa natura selvaggia sopprime la propria vera mascolinità.  .  .  .  Il fatto è che gli uomini dovrebbero essere appassionati e dovrebbero poter provare un desiderio ardente di condividere il dono con cui dilettano il proprio coniuge che può manifestarsi magari con il desiderio di  “avere un contatto appassionato ” con la propria amante (ovviamente con il suo consenso).  E inoltre, un uomo dovrebbe sentirsi a proprio agio nel risiedere in quella santa passione che dona se stesso mentre si dona a lei, invece di cercare semplicemente di sopprimere/seppellire (fuggire da) quei desideri sotto false facciate di pietà.  In altre parole  dovrebbe incanalare la sua passione e raffinarla con il sacrificio di sé per il bene degli altri e per il bene del regno.  Questa non è una manifestazione della mera gestione del comportamento, ma piuttosto è una vera e propria manifestazione della pratica della virtù – ed è attraverso lo sforzo di crescere nella pienezza della virtù che il cuore si trasforma gradualmente.  La virtù, che si accresce attraverso il duro lavoro è la ragione per cui un uomo tratta la sua donna con dignità, non per la sua tiepidezza sterilizzata che gli fa temere la responsabilità.  Come si riporta nel testo  “Consacrazione a San Giuseppe” di Calloway, il giovane San Giuseppe ha potuto vivere castamente perché ha lavorato duramente per quella virtù.  Era un sacrificio per lui rinunciare ai piaceri del sesso perché la natura selvaggia e la passione erano ancora dentro di lui.  Non era il guscio bruciato di un vecchio uomo  senza guida, e non dovremmo esserlo neanche noi.

 Domande sull’addio

 Detto questo, come ti sembra di manifestare il tuo autocontrollo, inizia ad avere dimestichezza con il contatto sacro e preparati per una vita amorosa intima, sacrificale, appassionata e casta con il tuo futuro coniuge?

 ___________________________

 Hudson Byblow è un oratore cattolico, autore e consulente che vive nel Midwest, dove ha una carriera nel campo dell’istruzione.  Egli è stato conferenziere a livello nazionale e internazionale in Stati Uniti che in Canada e presso il clero, le scuole e le parrocchie.  Hudson è consulente di varie agenzie cattoliche, oratori ed educatori.  Il suo sito web è www.hudsonbyblow.com e può essere contattato inviando un’e-mail a info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Navigating Same-Sex Attractions

Recently, I was asked to explain why I’d never act on my same-sex attractions. Surprisingly, I was excited to respond because it reminded me of beauty and truth of our Catholic faith and the joy I have come to know in pursuing a heart of virtue.

Indeed, I was initially inspired to pursue chastity because of the beautiful example of others and joy they radiated, but since learning more about chastity, I have become only more devoted to the Catholic Church—the last place the world says someone with a story like mine should even be!!

Helpful Realizations about Chastity
1. I never could have understood the joy of chastity unless I took a leap of faith and went for it myself.

2. Chastity is a virtue, and virtue begets virtue. Therefore, the joy of chastity lends itself to a person growing in other virtues. Note: An absence of joy (wherein resentment may begin to fester) may likewise indicate that a person is not open to growing in the fullness of virtue. The degree to which that may be the case is for God alone to judge.

3. Being not open to growing in the fullness of virtue is a lot different than trying to grow in the fullness of virtue but not being entirely successful. The former describes some people, while the latter describes everyone in some way!

4. Because we’re not perfect, we’ll always fail at perfectly practicing virtue. However, if we place our expectations of our “goodness” on how we will never reach an impossible standard of perfection, then we may destine ourselves for a life of misery—never seeing ourselves as good enough or successful.

5. We can undo that by shifting from being focused on maintaining that standard of perfection in behavior to being focused on how quickly we turn back to Jesus Christ. Why? Because no matter how bad we have fallen, we can always turn back to Him . . . immediately.

Joy vs Resentment
Chastity involves more than our desire to do good. We have to do good according to some standard! That standard is the truth written into our bodies—and that includes how we were written physiologically. In fact, to actually practice chastity, we must come to a point of joyfully (not resentfully) accepting ourselves as God has physiologically authored us. As a male, that includes me joyfully (not resentfully) accepting my maleness. It also includes me joyfully (not resentfully) accepting that my physiological complement is a female. This focus on physiological authorship above sexual/romantic desires made me realize that for me to even entertain the idea that I ought to engage in transgender pursuits or the pursuit of same-sex sexual/romantic relationships, I was rejecting chastity—yes, in mindset, long before even taking any action!

Not Limited to Us or Them
Instead of feeling sorry for myself as though I was being “picked on” or “singled out,” I eventually understood that chastity is bigger than the topics of homosexuality and transgenderism. It’s even bigger than the attractions/desires/appetites we experience. Rather, it’s about people; people choosing to strive to uphold what God has authored, particularly within the realm of sexuality.

This helped me realize that chastity can be rejected in a number of different ways. And this helped me understand that even though all same-sex sexual/romantic relationships or transgender pursuits are rejections of chastity, not all rejections of chastity are same-sex sexual/romantic relationships or transgender pursuits.

Stirred Awake!
Being able to see the faith through this lens of how God authored me was critical. It helped me gain the confidence of knowing that our faith isn’t merely a belief system but rather is a belief system that is true. Inescapably true. Beforehand, I would try to escape, but found I couldn’t! But I’m glad, because I’m now living in time where I finally feel alive, knowing that regardless of what attractions God may permit me to experience, I live in the freedom of chastity and taste the joys I never before knew I could experience!

I write about it, bubbling over with joy, hoping that you will desire it too!

God bless you all.

___________________________


Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Homosexuality . . . and chastity?

For many years, I rejected chastity while thinking I was truly free. However, that kept me from being able to experience love and joy in the way God designed, which I now experience today as a man who strives to live chastely.

The Pursuit of Truth
With same-sex attractions and transgender inclinations being part of my story, I knew I had to grow in my understanding of chastity because some Christians were saying that I should find a boyfriend and settle down because I was a “gay Christian,” while others were saying that all people are invited to pursue the fullness of virtue (with chastity being only one of many virtues). These opposing messages made me wonder to myself, “How could both be true?”

Furthermore, I could no longer be honest with myself and pretend that I was fully open to growing in holiness while being closed to growing in the fullness of virtue. This wake-up call only came after having my mind blown, realizing that the Church isn’t the inventor but rather is the upholder of truth.

For All People
After realizing that chastity is a calling for all people (not just people like me), I realized that I had been swept up in a false “victim” narrative for some time, as though the Church was singling out people like me. In reality, it was me rejecting the Church! This made me want to know even more. Like, what else might have I gotten wrong? This was a humbling (but necessary) awakening.

Shortly thereafter, I discovered that chastity wasn’t the same thing as abstinence or celibacy, and that chastity was ultimately about the degree to which I’d open my heart to the Lord. Again, I used to blame others, but then I realized that this was about my choice to love God more completely. Also, this rocked my world because for the longest time, I was too focused on trying to do “Catholic-looking behaviors” instead of developing a heart of holiness.

Following that, I realized that just because I might’ve been virtuous in some areas, it didn’t give me a “free-pass” to become closed to other virtues. I know some Catholics who think it does, if you can believe it. It’s saddening to hear but it makes me even more motivated to invite people into a journey of discovery about what holiness really means.

Respecting and Honoring the Divine Artist
It finally “clicked” that God is the Divine Artist and for me to love Him more completely, I should, at the very least, strive to honor and respect His artwork (the order of creation). Through that, I came to know what striving for holiness (and avoiding sin) could look like in a concrete way. This was helpful because without that concrete understanding, how sure of myself could I have ever been about my direction? Anyway, my view of holiness shifted from being about Catholic-looking behaviors to striving to die to my own attachments (further abandoning my will to the Lord) in any/every context where I saw that my attachments were counter to that God-authored order of creation.

The Order of Creation and Relationships
Even if I was sexually/romantically attracted to some guy, he would become, at best, a friend, and nothing more. Why? Because honoring God’s artwork (physiological complementarity) means more to me than satisfying some desire (or some attachment to my own ideas of “who I am.” And I certainly wouldn’t have gotten to this point If I was still thinking that God “made me that way” (which at one point, I claimed was my conscience speaking but now see it was merely a reflection of my own desires and attachments).

And that was the surprise twist of pursuing a heart of chastity, the overarching after-effect is that I realized the same-sex sexual/romantic attractions and transgender inclinations I was experiencing diminished, at first without me even realizing it. I never aimed for that, nor did I even pray for that. It simply came as a result of striving to let go of my own attachments to this world, while also striving to fill my heart with the Lord, the Person who loves me the most, and the best. And today I experience a joy that I hope and pray so many others might come to also taste.

___________________________


Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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“It’s not you… it’s me.”

“It’s not you… it’s me.”

These are well-known “famous last words” of so many relationships. Well, this is what I wish I could tell every woman I’ve ever lusted after.

What I mean, dear sisters in Christ, is that you are not the problem.
It’s not you. It’s not your body. It was me and the state of my heart and the attachments of my heart that drove me to lust after you.

The Porn Awakening
I was only nine years old when I was exposed to pornography for the first time. It was during an after-dinner television show and it wasn’t what you might think of as porn today, but at that time, it was porn to me, and that’s what ultimately mattered at that moment. Following that, I made many decisions to turn inwards and objectify others in some pornographic way.

This was merely a new manifestation of intemperance for me, and it weakened me in many ways. In fact, unchaste pursuits ruled my heart to the point where I’m positive I could’ve found a way to lust after a woman whether she was wearing a swimsuit or a snowsuit. No clothing type/style could’ve “prevented” me from lusting when it was lusting that my heart wanted to do. This was because the lust came from within.

The Healing
I had to be healed of my perspective of the body. I had to recognize it to be beautiful and also the temple of God; a masterpiece of His creation, not to be used or objectified. Getting an internet filter, learning to “look away,” and having an accountability partner all helped manage my behavior but none actually transformed my heart. I was looking to external factors because it was easier than looking inside myself. Meanwhile, I was fixated on behavior management above the pursuit of virtue. Often, I chose the easier path. I chose to remain a boy instead of becoming a man.

There came a bottoming-out of sorts, however, where I had to get serious and cooperate with God and actually allow Him to transform my heart. I needed to let Him in to transform my desires.

Redeemed Vision
It took years for a redeemed vision of sexuality to evolve. Encountering women who radiated joyful, holy modesty (in demeanor even more than clothing) was also helpful, because they were constant reminders of why I wanted to stay focused on my desire to honor women (and not objectify them). It also helped to know that I could still influence the desires of my heart based on the desires I would choose to feed. I started by practicing self-control in the little things, which led to greater transformation in other areas. It was tough at first, but I realized it was not impossible. Gentlemen, have hope. Always.

Forgiveness
I had to learn to forgive myself for my past. Without that, those attachments would’ve still controlled me. They would’ve prevented me from becoming ready to move on to bigger and better things with the Lord (and in terms of relationships with others).

The Reality of Transformation
It takes a long time to wire the brain differently. Think of unlearning a language, and learning a new one. I have to keep in mind how easy it might be to slip back into old patterns. The farther I am from intemperance in other areas of my life, however, the farther away I am from unchaste thoughts/pursuits. More importantly, the better I practice temperance, the higher my self-confidence and awareness is of how I can offer myself to others in chaste and holy ways. I suppose this is what the devil hates; a man being restored by cooperating with the grace of God.

Moving Forward
For this reason, I would like to again mention: Ladies, it wasn’t you, it was me. And I accept the reality of my past while praying for a better future for all people who have been impacted by pornography in some way. The only way for us to move forward is to do so with joy and with magnanimous hope of a better tomorrow where we can see each other more truly as first and foremost beloved brothers and sisters in Christ.

This is the most loving way that we can see each other—no matter what someone is wearing.

__________________


Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Homoseksuwalidad… at kalinisang-puri

Matagal na panahon ding iniwasan ko ang chastity dahil iniisip ko na sagabal ito sa aking kalayaan. Ngunit, ito palan ang naging dahilan kung bakit hindi ko nararanasan ang kasiyahan at tuwa na itinala ng Diyos, isang bagay na naisasabuhay ko na ngayon dahil nagsisikap ako na maging chaste.

Ang Paghahanap sa Katotohanan
Malaking bahagi ng aking kwento ang pagkakaroon ng same-sex attractions at transgender inclinations. Kaya alam ko sa sarili ko na dapat lubusan kong maunawaan ang chastity dahil magkakaiba ang mga sinsabi sa akin tungkol dito. May mga Kristiyano na nagsasabi na dapat akong maghanap ng boyfriend dahil isa akong “Kristiyanong bading”. Meron namang nagsasabi na dapat kung habulin ang kabuuan ng mga birtud / kabutihan (kung saan kabilang ang chastity). Sa mga magkasalungat na mga ideya na ito, napaisip ako: “Paanong parehas silang tama?”

Maliban dyan, hindi ko na kayang lokohin ang aking sarili at magkunwari na tunay na bukas ako sa tawag ng pagiging banal habang sabay na sarado sa landas ng kabutihan. Nagising ako ng maunawaan ko na ang Simbahan ay hindi nagiimbento ngunit nagtataguyod mismo ng katotohanan.

Para sa Lahat ng Tao
Matapos kong maunawaan na ang chastity ay para sa lahat (hindi lamang para sa mga katulad ko), saka ko lamang naintindihan na nalinlang ako sa kwento na ako ay isang biktima; na inaapi ng Simbahan ang mga katulad ko, Yung totoo, ako pala ang tumatalikod sa simbahan! Lalo akong naghangad na malaman ang totoo. Napatanong ako: ano pa ba ang mga maling napaniwalaan ko? Sa pagpapakumbabang iyon, dun ako naliwanagan.

Pakatapos nito, natutunan ko na ang chastity ay iba sa abstinenceo celibacy, na ito pala ay tungkol sa kung gaano ko bubuksan ang puso ko sa Panginoon. Dati, sinisisi ko ang ibang tao, pero napagtanto ko na ito ay mas tungkol sa desisyon ko na mahalin ang Diyos ng lubusan. Nabigla ako sa realisasyon na ito. Dati mas binibigyan ko ng halaga ang panlabas na anyo ng isang Katolikong Sarado kaysa ang baguhin ang aking saloloobin para sa kabanalan.

Natutunan ko din na ang pagiging mabuti sa isang aspeto ng ating buhay ay hindi dapat na mangahulugan na papabayaan na ang iba. Nakakalungkot mang isipin, ngunit may mga kilala akong mga Katoliko na ganito ang pag-iisip. Naging motibasyon ko ito upang mag-aya ng mga tao para tahakin ang landas upang tuklasin ang tunay na kabanalan — hindi parte parte ngunit sa kabuuhan.

Paggalang at Pagbibigay Pugay sa Banal na Tagapaglikha
Tuluyan ko nang tinanggap na ang Diyos ang aking Dakilang Tagapaglikha, at upang mahalin ko siya ng mas kumpleto, kailangan ko ring paghirapan na igalang at magpugay sa kanyang obra (ang mga nilikha). Sa pamamagitan nito, nakita ko na ang isang konkretong pamamaraan patungo sa pagiging banal (at pag iwas sa kasalanan). Nakatulong ito sapagkat kung wala akong matibay na pang unawa, paano ako magiging sigurado sa direksyon na aking tatahakin? Mainam na rin na ang pananaw ko sa kabanalan ay nabago mula sa mga panlabas na aktong Katoliko patungo sa pag iwan ng aking sariling makamundong pangangailangan (patuloy na pagsasa Diyos ng aking kusa) sa lahat ng pagkakataon na ang aking mga pangangailangan ay makakahadlang sa kalooban ng Diyos patungkol sa mga nilikha.

Ang Ayos ng mga Nilikha at Ang Kanilang Pagkakaugnay
Kahit na mayroon akong mga atraksyong sekswal o pagkakagusto sa kapwa lalaki, pwede ko siyang maging, sa pinakamabuting paraan, matalik na kaibigan at wala ng iba pa. Bakit? Dahil naging mas mahalaga sa akin ang paggalang sa pagkakalikha ng Diyos sa tao keysa sa pagpukaw ng aking mga pagnanasa lamang (o iba pang pangangailangan na nakabase lamang sa aking ideya na kung sjno ako. Hindi ako aabot sa ganitong punto kung patuloy ko pa ring iisipin na ginawa ako ng Diyos na “maging ganito” [na sa isang punto’y inakala kong galing sa aking konsiyensiya yun pala’y repleksyon lamang ng aking mga pagnanasa at makamundong pangangailangan]).

At ang hindi ko inaasahang naging pagbabago sa akin ay ang pagkahina ng sekswal o romantikong pagkakagusto sa kapwa lalaki at transgender inclinations. Kailanman ay hindi ko to inasam o pinagdasal man lamang. Ngunit kusa koi tong nakamtam bilang resulta ng pagpapalaya ko sa aking mga makamundong pagnanasa, kasabay ng pag puno ko ng aking puso ng Panginoon, ang Taong pinakanagmamahal sa akin ng lubusan. Nararanasan ko na ngayon ang lubos na kaligayahan. Umaasa ako at ipinagdarasal na sana maranasan din ito ng iba.

___________________________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

 

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Is It Okay To Be Gay?

Same-sex attractions are a part of my story yet today I live a joyful and fulfilling life within the Catholic Church, pursuing holiness and virtue.

How did I get here? I began asking questions, and here’s what I found:

1. God loves us, no matter what attractions or inclinations we experience.

2. We shouldn’t feel shame for experiencing attractions or inclinations we didn’t specifically choose. Though we’re invited to be honest with ourselves, this doesn’t mean that we ought to be prideful about our attractions. Nor does it imply our choices are of no effect. Every choice we make forms us in some way—sometimes influencing who we trust, which impacts who we allow intimately close to our hearts.

3. All people are called to open their hearts to growing in virtue (which includes chastity and humility). This about saying “Yes” to God, instead focusing on a list of “No’s” that are centered on the roller-coaster of mere behavior management. Huge. Difference.

4. Not all attractions or inclinations are sexual and or romantic in nature.

5. Sexual and romantic exploration might feel good, but that only means our bodies are physiologically working properly.

6. That “feeling good” is often interpreted to mean “I am” ____.

7. Our perception of who “I am” influences how we see we ought to pursue fulfillment.

8. The pursuit of fulfillment is good, but the desires of our heart ought to be examined.

9. The more we pursue the fulfillment of a particular desire, the more we desire it. However, the high of achieving it eventually diminishes, while the desire to re-live and re-experience it remains, unless the desires of our hearts are transformed.

10. If God created us this way, then to not pursue those desires would be to deny our nature. However, if he didn’t create us this way, then that changes everything. Today, with even prominent gay activists now acknowledging that “environment plays a factor in the development of our attractions,” I no longer feel powerlessly attached to the false idea that “God created me this way, and it is forever who I will be.”

Today I’m empowered with a new vision of myself. I am His, and I don’t choose to “be straight.” Rather, I choose to pursue holiness and virtue. Why? Because I have encountered Christ—through the people around me serving God most humbly. Today, I realize that holiness involves respecting the art of the Divine Artist, and the order He has written into our universe—and into our bodies. Today I’m no longer powerlessly “destined” to live some cage of loneliness, feeling like I have to deny my nature “to be a good Catholic.”

The Joy of Trusting God

Trusting God has opened the door to what the Holy Spirit could write on my heart—which has included the occasional (unexpected) sexual attraction to persons of the opposite sex. If it be in God’s will that something may come of it, then may He grant me the courage to pursue it prudently, despite same-sex attractions still possibly existing. The point is that becoming a husband and father one day are holy vocations that are no longer stolen from me.

I am not “living a lie” or “feeling conflicted” in saying that, despite many people interpret it that way. Perhaps it’s just so “off the radar” that people can’t make sense of it. But I live it. That’s me being most completely honest with myself. 

So, is it okay to be gay?

Well, first of all, being “gay” isn’t who I am. And experiencing attractions is one thing, but taking on an identity is a whole different ballgame. The bigger question I ask myself is why would I focus on my attractions as the core of my identity when I could focus on something greater?

Namely:

  • It is my nature to desire unification with God.
  • I fulfill my nature by opening my heart to growing in the fullness of virtue.
  • The joy I experience today surpasses what I ever had before… and I ain’t looking back!

____________________________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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I Wished I Were Born a Girl

From my earliest memories, I wished I was born a girl.

I loved their clothes, how they played gently, and how they seemed to be treated “softer” than boys. Those were my perceptions, and as a sensitive kid, my heart desired that deeply. I also saw boys terrorizing younger kids on the playground and at daycare (both of which were more like The Lord of the Flies and The Hunger Games combined).

All I knew is that I didn’t want to be “boyish” like them.

Exploring Femininity
In my early teens, I began to really entertain the idea of being a girl. I began to regularly cross-dress and fantasize about it as much as I could. This fantasy was almost always connected to masturbation, but because of that, the cross-dressing became just as addictive. And the “high” I got through cross-dressing only served to further entrench the idea that being a girl would make me happy.

Note that my parents did affirm me in my value and worth as a boy. However, that affirmation didn’t “fit” my idea of what it meant to be a boy. They did their best, but even in that, my perceptions were being fashioned by every other external influencer. This is in addition to how I felt that I didn’t “measure up” to what I learned (from my world) about how a man should be.

Retrospectively, I see how my understanding of what it meant to be a boy or a girl was anchored merely on my perception of masculinity and femininity. However, this was a moving target, completely at the whim of my imagination!

Coming Out
While young, I eventually came out—first to myself, then close friends, then certain loved ones… including my parents (to some degree) after I was a little older. I was never reckless with who I told, and I am glad. Why? Because many people never let you out of the cage of identity once they put you in it.

Throughout this process, however, I realized how blessed I truly was (and still am). People always responded with Christ’s love and this included being gently and lovingly challenging to my mindset at times. It also helped me realize the Catholic Church might not be “the bad guy.”

Self-Honesty
Over time, I began to see how crossdressing and masturbating were merely a coping mechanism to prevent me from facing my worst fear: myself. I wasn’t happy, even though I eccentrically gave that impression to so many people. Thankfully, I was learning to trust God around the same time that I chose to stop running from myself. He was there for me when I opened my heart up to Him. He allowed me to collapse the house of cards that I had built, into a messy pile at the foot of the Cross. And He held me in His arms.

And that is when joy began to fill my heart again. God gently drew me away from coping via cross-dressing and masturbation, and into the rivers of His infinite love for me. He moved me away from merely existing within my own wounds, to becoming alive in His!

Coming Home
God revealed to me who I am outside of the shadows of this world; beyond any and all earthly attachments—to identity or otherwise. These shadows, which I used to embrace, only blocked the radiance of His Heavenly presence! I have tasted the joy of being lifted beyond these shadows, and this has imprinted onto my heart a deep desire to wholeheartedly see myself first and foremost through Him, and no longer in terms of my interests/activities, or attractions/inclinations experienced.

That is why I no longer self-identity as transgender, ex-transgender, or even cisgender, while still upholding the beautiful God-given gift of sexuality! I have chosen to (finally) give it back to God, while walking with Him beyond the rainbow altogether. And today, I know the Lord is calling me to a Holy Vocation. It may be marriage—to the Church or to an opposite-sex spouse! And I have come to learn that my life experience doesn’t automatically exclude me from this possibility!

My Hope
I only hope that people will open their hearts to the joy and freedom that I today experience.

Today I know I am His son; His boy; and that in the Catholic Church, I belong.

____________________________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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I wasn’t the gay kid; I was the outsider.

Do you ever long for the day where people won’t cram you into their own narrative—defining who you should be without ever getting to actually know you? I long for this day—deeply. I am sure we have all felt this way at times.

I was the boy who was different. I played with the girls, longed to wear girls’ clothes, and longed to be one of the them—from my earliest memories. I also sought the attention of boys. I wanted them to like me. I wanted to know that I could be liked, and thus had value. I didn’t like myself and saw myself as a failure because when I was little, I played by mostly with my older brother, who always won. I never learned how to win, but only how to lose. I never learned how to come in first, but only second (or lower). Only as an adult, have I been able to look back and see the effect that this has had on me throughout my life.

I had a deep longing to feel successful, valued, and “worth it.”

The pain on my little heart as a child was deep, so I gravitated to where I wouldn’t have to experience it anymore. It’s a pain I would never wish upon the heart of an adult, let alone a little child. I found my comfort zone in the feminine, and the pain of my inadequacy was removed because I was no longer guaranteed to lose with the boys.

Many say that all of this was explainable because clearly I was the “gay” kid, or was “born gay” and just needed to get over it and embrace it. These people didn’t take the time to understand the root of why I found relational comfort zones in the way that I did.

People often like to think of themselves as open-minded, progressive, and tolerant. But is that true for everyone? Those who don’t know me, speak about me as if they know everything on my heart. Some are angry with me for challenging their idea of who I ought to be. Some get upset because I speak of the joy that I have experienced in living chastely within the Catholic Church (despite same-sex attractions and transgender inclinations being a part of my story). They don’t know me, yet some think I am deluding myself. Is that being open-minded, progressive, or tolerant? How about “no” to all three!

They say I was the “gay” kid, but in reality I was the outsider.

I was different and didn’t mix well with the other boys. I prevented myself from getting close because I did not want them to know my heart, and realize that I perceived myself to be a failure.

I wasn’t the “gay” kid, I was the outsider.

In being the outsider, the other boys invented many reasons to pick on me, to distance themselves from me, and to call me names. This started long before any of us knew what “gay” even meant (the only time we heard it was on the Flintstones theme song).

Unfortunately, many people still falsely conclude that feeling different means you might be “gay.” Nothing makes a person gay (or straight) in identity except for one’s choice to make it who they are. We are first and foremost beloved children of God, and are invited to embrace that as our identity above all other things (while being honest with ourselves about the attractions/inclinations we experience). Attractions and inclinations? Not chosen. The identity we claim as our own? Chosen.

I understand the pain of rejection and the desire for approval. (In fact, I believe that these experiences are at the root of the whole Pride movement.) I lived it. Being the outsider brought on the thought that I must “be” gay, because that is what the world impressed into my mind. The world gave me no other alternative. The Catholic Church did.

And in the Catholic Church, I am truly free to be me, and pursue a life striving for holiness (which includes chastity).

And only now, I know I belong.

________________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Homosexuality and being a “real” man

Trends come and go. This we know is true. Whether it be “man hair-buns” (shudder), burly beards and smoking pipes, the metro-sexual, or guys wearing tights hundreds of years ago.

The point? Though things change, what it means to be a man doesn’t.

When we get caught up with caricatures of manhood without focusing on its essence, many people like me are left in the dust.

With same-sex attractions (and even being a bit “girly”) being part of my story, I struggled to relate to those cultural “icons” of manhood. I’m not alone in this. Though I have moved beyond it, many others like me have not, and they are left feeling this: “I don’t fit in with men, and therefore I could never fully be the man (or the Catholic man) that I’m supposed to be.”

This keeps many people like me away from the Church, and it breaks my heart.

I share this because the Catholic Church has transformed my life, and I wish others like me could experience that same sense of love and belonging, and the shared journey towards holiness. However, for as long as those bogus caricatures of manhood are “the standard,” an invisible barrier remains.

I was able to overcome this barrier by shifting my focus from the “look” of man, or the “activity” of man, to the heart of man. I was inspired to do this because of the example of Catholic men in my life who modeled the hearts of real men like Jesus, and his foster father, Saint Joseph.

Their humble example drew me in. The joy they experienced in their pursuit of chastity drew me in. The state of their “interior castles” gave me the desire to pursue Christ and a chaste life above all else. It was not their look, the style of pipe they smoked, their quotes of philosophy, or their projection of a lumber-jack-strengthened “manly-man,” because I couldn’t relate to any of that.

But I could relate to Saint Joseph.

Why? Because Joseph was focused on the state of his heart. He was focused on service. He was focused on sacrifice; the sacrifice of fatherhood and complete abandonment to God’s Will. Joseph poured himself out in order to raise Jesus Christ and love Our Lady.

Joseph was about the heart. He taught me how to trust God’s plan for me. He inspired me to reclaim my identity as a Catholic man.

Every caricature of our world comes up short. For many like me, they stand in the way of our journey back into Catholicism. I share this so that you will know of the potential damage caused by portraying a narrative of manhood that is based on anything less than the example of Saint Joseph.

There are people like me who are waiting to give their lives God in service, but they will not “get there” in their hearts for as long as they perceive themselves to be outside of what it means to be a Catholic man.

With that, I invite you to die to yourself, and take on Saint Joseph as a model, and show this world what being a real man is all about.

You will reach hearts like mine.

____________________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Esperanza después del arcoíris

Soy un hombre católico y atracciones del mismo sexo son parte de mi historia. Sin embargo, recientemente la posibilidad de un llamado al matrimonio ha sido escrito en mi corazón – matrimonio con una mujer.

¿Qué?

Déjame explicar…

No es para terapia

Esto no tiene nada que ver con terapia con la intención de cambiar de “gay” a “hetero”. Nunca he hecho eso, y he encontrado paz sabiendo que la Iglesia no está tratando de que actúe de esa manera. Sin embargo, este llamado me ha llegado después de muchos años de esforzándome continuamente a decirle “Si” a Dios, y “Si” al crecer en virtud (en particular, la virtud de castidad, algo que se me ha hecho difícil la mayoría de mi vida).

Yo termine queriendo un corazón casto porque deseaba la santidad, y deseaba la santidad porque quería unir mi corazón con el corazón de Jesucristo. Comencé a tener este deseo porque primero experimente el amor de Cristo a través de alguien como tu; alguien que simplemente me amó donde estaba en mi vida, y quien decidió caminar conmigo en mi viaje.

A lo largo de este trayecto, empecé a sentirme más atraído a mujeres virtuosas – mujeres quienes entendían las fundaciones de una santa relación conyugal, y con quien yo pudiera crecer en virtud – y posiblemente dentro del matrimonio!

El problema

Muchas personas piensan que por qué atracciones del mismo sexo son parte de mi historia, no es posible de sentirme de la manera que me siento y que me estoy engañando a mí mismo. Esta respuesta refleja cuan serrados están a lo que Dios puede escribir en nuestros corazones.

Otros simplemente tratan de etiquetarme como “bisexual”, pero esto revela en ellos una mente serrada a mi historia; una mente serrada al entender quien soy y como termino donde estoy hoy. Esto no tiene tanto que ver con la sexualidad sino con Dios, y como El puede transformar nuestros corazones.

Como Empezó

En el 2007, yo llegue a desear una Sexualidad Santa (¡gracias Christopher West!) y por primera vez, abrí mi corazón a la castidad. Gracias Matt Fradd, empecé el largo camino de romper la adicción a la pornografía que había tenido por casi toda mi vida y gracias Jason Evert, empecé a estar abierto a la idea de preparar mi corazón para mi futura esposa – si eso fuera el plan de Dios para mí.

Dado a la gracia de Dios, encontré la fortaleza (y el apoyo) para hacer gran cambios en mi vida.

El efecto completo fue esto: cambié de considerar relaciones del mismo sexo (sin la esperanza de jamás casarme con una mujer o de ser un padre) a adorar el Santísimo Sacramento y ofrecer mi vida a Dios. Lo más que dejaba de lado mi propia voluntad, lo más que Dios fue capaz de trabajar en mi corazón (esto ahora lo puedo ver retrospectivamente).

Maneras misteriosas 

A principios de 2014, Dios escribió en mi corazón a seguir una amistad con una mujer en particular. Con un coraje que nunca había experimentado, eso fue lo que hice.

Durante nuestro tiempo juntos y separados, hubieron bastantes gracias. Fue divertido y me sentí inspirado, pero a la misma vez, nuestra relación cambió mi vida de maneras profundamente virtuosas. Por eso sabia (y se) que era de Dios. Después de todo eso, terminé esperando que ella sea mi futura esposa.

Comencé a sentirme atraído a ella y sabía que tenía un llamado a proteger su honor, y de rezar por ella. A través de tiempo, crecimos en santidad juntos, y compartimos nuestros sentimientos entre rizas, sonrisas y afección apropiada.

La amaba en la manera que Dios me llamaba a amarla en ese momento, y empecé a enamorarme de ella (de manera romántica). Ella trajo una gran alegría a mi corazón, mientras me acercaba más cerca a Cristo

Esperanza restaurada

Por más que no terminamos juntos como pareja, esta experiencia me mostró que no tenía que sentirme desesperanzado de jamás ser un esposo y padre. En efecto, ayudo a restaurar mi esperanza tremendamente.

Su nombre… significa “Esperanza”. ¡Cuán increíble es eso!

Ahora, si es parte del plan de Dios que me case o no, es otra historia. Es Su historia – y yo no tengo ningún problema con eso.

Pero hoy… Tengo Esperanza.

______________

Hudson Byblow es un orador, autor y consultor católico que vive en el Medio Oeste, donde tiene una carrera en educación. Ha presentado en conferencias nacionales e internacionales en los Estados Unidos y Canadá y también presenta al clero, escuelas y parroquias. Además, Hudson se desempeña como consultor de varias agencias católicas, oradores y educadores. Su sitio web es www.hudsonbyblow.com y se puede reservar enviando un correo electrónico a info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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G, L, B, T… ¿Cuál es tu identidad?

Aunque es cierto que las atracciones hacia el mismo sexo son parte de la historia de mi vida, hoy comparto de mí mismo para defender la Iglesia Católica. Si, has leído correctamente, defenderla. Oro para que abras tu corazón y puedas escuchar mi voz.

¿Quién dices que soy? 

Muchas personas (aún personas católicas) han tratado de imponer una identidad “gay” sobre mí. Aquellas personas sienten que si quiero ser honesto conmigo mismo, debería describirme y definirme de tal manera. Muchas son muy francas y dicen que si no acojo esta etiqueta de identidad,entonces me odio, tengo desilusiones, estoy negado, envuelto en vergüenza y así sucesivamente (y en verdad estos comentarios ya se están poniendo viejos).

Esta manera de pensar refleja una idea muy anclada (y falsa) la cual dicta que “ser gay” o “ser heterosexual” es “quienes somos”. Tal vez es por eso que las personas piensan que debo acoger la identidad “gay” para poder vivir  una vida llena y plena de gozo. No pueden comprender que hay otra manera–una manera que yo acojo con gozo.

Hoy yo me veo a mi mismo como un hijo querido del Altísimo; un hermano en Cristo. En vez de definirme de acuerdo a las atracciones que siento (las cuales son una faceta de mi ser) yo baso mi identidad primeramente en mi relación con Dios –y aún sigo siendo honesto conmigo mismo sobre las atracciones que tengo. ¡Al escoger y acoger esta identidad, he encontrado más gozo del que yo pensaba era posible!

Al darme cuenta de unas imparciales y claves realidades, he llegado adonde estoy hoy:

Aunque yo no escojo a quien me siento atraído, yo sí escojo como me defino y como me identifico. Cuando me di cuenta de lo anterior, supe que tenía que ver mis atracciones y mi identidad como distintas si en verdad quería ser honesto conmigo mismo.

Tener el corazón abierto a crecer en virtud es tener el corazón abierto hacia Cristo, mientras tener el corazón cerrado a crecer en virtud es tener el corazón cerrado a crecer en Cristo. Gracias a mi amor por Dios, supe que tenía que abrir mi corazón hacia la virtud.

Buscar plenitud en Cristo mientras rehusar crecer en la virtud es una contradicción. Buscando plenitud primeramente y ante todo en Cristo mientras acoges una identidad incompleta como “gay” o “heterosexual” (identidades que no están ancladas primeramente y principalmente en Cristo) va a desgarrar tu alma en direcciones opuestas. Yo viví esto. Todo se redujo a mi propia sinceridad para crecer en la virtud de castidad. Esto me hizo comprender lo siguiente:

La Iglesia no rechaza a la gente. Más bien algunas personas rechazan a la Iglesia. Sólo yo puedo decidir si realmente abriré mi corazón a crecer en la virtud, y mi decisión revelará el estado de mi corazón. Y esto me hizo realizar que:

Si realmente amamos a Cristo, nos desvincularemos de lo que debilita la virtud (como las actividades incastas y las etiquetas incompletas que nos reducen a nuestros deseos sexuales y/o románticos).

Gracias a esta realización, yo sabía que no podía seguir identificándome como “gay” y continuar siendo honesto con mí mismo. Aquella etiqueta de identidad me condujo a no verme de acuerdo a mi relación con Cristo. Yo sabía que tenía que escoger la opción de abrir mi corazón a la virtud – y olvidarme de aquella etiqueta de identidad.

Si lo piensas, identificarse como ” gay y Católico ” es similar a identificarse como “heterosexual y Católico”. Ambas etiquetas son tristemente inadecuadas para los hijos e hijas de Dios – ¡somos mucho más que estas etiquetas!

La Identidad sí importa

Las etiquetas de identidad que utilizamos influyen sobre aquello que percibimos como gratificante y de este modo influye como vivimos nuestras vidas. Por esa razón, tenemos que enfocarnos en la formación de la identidad. Esto es los que nos separa a nosotros que defendemos la Iglesia Católica de aquellos que desean destruirla.

¿Qué deberíamos hacer nosotros?

La Iglesia nos invita a todos a convertirnos en motivos vivientes para que alguien pueda verse primeramente y principalmente a través de los ojos de Cristo. Sin embargo, el amor de Dios brillará aún más a través de nosotros como ” los motivos vivientes” si nos esforzamos a ser ejemplos de la plenitud de la virtud en nosotros mismos. Así es como ganaremos corazones para el Señor… yo soy una prueba viviente de esto.

Es por eso que hoy ofrezco alegremente mi vida para defender la Iglesia católica.

¿Ayudarás a compartir mi voz?

__________
Hudson Byblow es un orador, autor y consultor católico que vive en el Medio Oeste, donde tiene una carrera en educación. Ha presentado en conferencias nacionales e internacionales en los Estados Unidos y Canadá y también presenta al clero, escuelas y parroquias. Además, Hudson se desempeña como consultor de varias agencias católicas, oradores y educadores. Su sitio web es www.hudsonbyblow.com y se puede reservar enviando un correo electrónico a info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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La Homosexualidad: ¿Estoy destinado a estar solo?

Muchas personas piensan que solo tengo dos opciones en esta vida porque siento atracciones hacia el mismo sexo. Estas dos opciones suelen ser: tener una relación con otro hombre para sentirme “realizado”, o estar soltero y solo (y por consecuencia miserable). Se olvidan que hay más opciones en esta vida.

Aunque no tengo una relación romántica, no me siento solo. Desafortunadamente, muchas personas se preguntan: ¿cómo es esto posible? Para mí, esto revela la confusión que existe entre sentirse solo y estar solo. Permítanme explicarles.

Sentirse Solo o Estar Solo 

¿Alguna vez te has encontrado junto a personas a las cuales no parece importarle quién eres, o qué ha estado pasando en tu vida? Aunque puedas pasar mucho tiempo con estas personas, tus interacciones con ellas no necesariamente nutren tu corazón.

En esta situación anterior, es muy fácil sentirse solo, aunque en realidad no estás solo. Sin embargo, también podemos estar a solas sin sentirnos solos. Por ejemplo, para asegurarte de esto, solamente pregúntale a una persona que este separada de un ser querido. No se sienten solos porque el enlace que comparten en el corazón con sus seres queridos es más real que el espacio que los separa.

Cuando mi corazón no estaba conectado con otros, me sentía solo. Sin embargo, desde que he decidido intentar abrir mi corazón para crecer en la virtud de la castidad, me he abierto a la oportunidad de unir mi corazón al Corazón de Cristo (y esto es lo que continuamente he tratado de hacer). Al hacer esto, me he unido al corazón de cada persona que intenta hacer lo mismo.

Esta decisión específica ha abierto muchas puertas para mí y he encontrado una confraternidad con otros en una comunidad mundial de personas que también desean crecer en esta virtud. La conexión de nuestros corazones son intangibles, pero nuestra comunidad no es así: ¡nuestra comunidad es fuerte y sigue creciendo! Está compuesta por cada persona que intenta crecer en la virtud de castidad sin tomar en cuenta las atracciones o las inclinaciones que sientan. ¡En esta jornada, no existe el hecho de estar solo, si no existe una conexión familiar a través de Cristo en el corazón de cada persona que vive en Él aquí en la tierra y en el cielo!

Nunca me he sentido verdaderamente solo, a pesar de estar generalmente solo, gracias a mi compromiso e intento de crecer en la virtud de la castidad. ¿Y los deseos de mi corazón? Estos son tan reales hoy como ayer, y ahora están moderados por mi auto-control. De modo que, siempre teniendo en cuenta que Cristo nunca nos aleja de la virtud, yo puedo discernir mejor si perseguir esos deseos me va a ayudar a crecer en virtud. ¡En verdad, crecer en virtud transforma los deseos de nuestro corazón hacia Cristo! ¡Esto no nos aleja nunca de nuestro verdadero ser, pero nos ayuda a ser más vivos como hijos e hijas adorados de Dios!

Al reconocer esta verdad, yo encuentro mucho gozo siendo honesto conmigo mismo, y en simplemente permanecer abierto a lo que me pueda deparar el futuro. ¡Yo veo mi vida anterior sin la virtud de la castidad en el espejo retrovisor y no volveré a mirar hacia atrás!

__________
Hudson Byblow es un orador, autor y consultor católico que vive en el Medio Oeste, donde tiene una carrera en educación. Ha presentado en conferencias nacionales e internacionales en los Estados Unidos y Canadá y también presenta al clero, escuelas y parroquias. Además, Hudson se desempeña como consultor de varias agencias católicas, oradores y educadores. Su sitio web es www.hudsonbyblow.com y se puede reservar enviando un correo electrónico a info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Mi Respuesta a Invitaciones a Reuniones Gay

Si alguna vez has sido invitado a participar en un evento del orgullo gay o invitado a “gustar” una pagina del orgullo gay en Facebook, que has hecho?

Debido a que me siento atraído por personas del mismo sexo, siempre me llegan invitaciones de ese tipo. Por ello he estado rezando para responder amorosamente, sin así llegar a comprometer mi fe. Tengo amigos que están bien involucrados con movimientos de LGBTQ, y se que en sus corazones ellos están convencidos de que están haciendo lo correcto. He aprendido a quedarme callado y a no expresar nada en mi pared de Facebook para así estar en paz. Admito que parte de esta decisión es pura cobardía. Pero cuanto más lo pienso, más cuenta me doy de que no se pueden transformar corazones a través de paredes de Facebook.

La siguiente carta breve, no es otra cosa que el resultado de haber encomendado toda esta situación a Cristo Jesús en oración plena.

Querido amigo,

El mundo me enseñó a creer que sólo porque siento atracciones hacia personas del mismo sexo (AMS), “ser gay” es “quien soy”. Sin embargo, me he dado cuenta que bastantes personas están desarrollando sus vidas de acuerdo a las expectativas que ellos mismos tienen de lo “que significa” ser “gay”, y para algunos, ello los consume por completo. Esto le puede pasar a mucha gente que simplemente está tratando de encontrar su espacio y a dónde pertenecer – esa es exactamente una posición en la que yo igualmente también estuve en un momento dado. El problema es que estos tipos de identidad elaboradas son incapaces de reflejar la verdad completa de quienes realmente somos. Nosotros somos más que nuestra sexualidad – y si yo quisiera ser completamente más honesto conmigo mismo a cerca de quien soy, el tener que aceptar una etiqueta como “gay” o “hetero” es algo que jamás podría hacer.

No es cosa de vergüenza – y no me siento avergonzado por atracciones que específicamente no elegí experimentar. Es acerca de identidad – la identidad que yo específicamente elijo adoptar. Yo me dejaba identificar sobre la base de mis atracciones sexuales, pero hoy en día, por mi amor a Cristo Jesús, elijo verme primero y sobre todo ante los ojos de Cristo. Mi identidad esta primeramente y sobre todo enraizada en Cristo. Como resultado de este cambio de mi autoconcepción, he pasado de ser cerrado a estar abierto en el crecimiento de mi castidad. Esta ha sido una transformación gozosa que empezó en lo mas profundo de mi corazón.

Típicamente la gente trata de convencerme que estoy viviendo una mentira, que la Iglesia me odia y que inclusive me ha lavado el cerebro. Sus acusaciones revelan cuan estrechos de mente son al querer entender gente como yo. Yo no puedo transformar sus corazones – ese ya es trabajo del Espíritu Santo. Lo que sí puedo hacer es ofrecerles mi vida como ejemplo del gozo que hoy en día experimento desde la transformación de mi corazón.

Simplemente te invito aprender mas acerca de mi, y de otros que al igual que yo, nos sentimos atraídos hacia personas de nuestro mismo sexo y quienes específicamente hemos elegido primero y ante todo seguir a Cristo. Ante esta decisión, te confirmo que nunca me he sentido solo, y que nunca antes me había sentido tan alegre. Sólo espero y rezo que otros como yo lleguen a entender que ellos también pueden encontrar este gozo en Cristo. Su amor es para todos y cada uno de nosotros! J

Que Dios te bendiga. La paz en Cristo.
_______________
Hudson Byblow es un orador, autor y consultor católico que vive en el Medio Oeste, donde tiene una carrera en educación. Ha presentado en conferencias nacionales e internacionales en los Estados Unidos y Canadá y también presenta al clero, escuelas y parroquias. Además, Hudson se desempeña como consultor de varias agencias católicas, oradores y educadores. Su sitio web es www.hudsonbyblow.com y se puede reservar enviando un correo electrónico a info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Please… Don’t Call Me Gay

Everywhere I turn, I am pressured to embrace the gay identity and make it “who I am.” With same-sex attractions being a part of my story, it seems that many people cannot see me in any other way. However, I ask you from the bottom of my heart: Please stop calling me gay.

The reason is bigger than me, or how I feel. It is because your words matter; they influence our social climate.

Say What?
 

When we refer to people as “gay” or “straight” (or even “homosexual” or “heterosexual”), here is what we are actually doing:

1. We make it the norm to see ourselves first and foremost according to the attractions we experience instead of according to our identity as beloved sons and daughters of God.

2. We deprive people from coming to realize that attractions experienced (which are not specifically chosen) are distinct from embraced identity (which is specifically chosen).

3. We deprive people from coming to realize that sexual attractions are part of our fluid human experience, and that the experience of any attraction does not necessarily mean that the person will experience that attraction for the rest of his or her life.

4. We deprive people from the opportunity to know that just because they might experience same-sex attractions, it does not mean they need to self-identify as “gay” in order to be honest with themselves. Many people who experience same-sex attractions want to be honest with themselves about the attractions they are experiencing, but for reasons of their own, do not want to embrace the gay identity label. We need to respect that.

5. We embed (falsely) the idea that it is our nature “to be gay,” when in reality it is our nature to love and to want to be loved, and we pursue those desires based on a number of factors including our sense of self-concept, our experience with prior relationships (sexual and non-sexual), and our degree of trust in others, among other factors.

6. We make chastity seem like a white-knuckled roller coaster through hell, because we overlook the question of identity itself. Thus, if a person perceives that “being gay” is “who they are,” then pursuing chastity will be seen to be going against their nature (what they perceive to be their nature).

What We Can Do

This can be mitigated if we stop referring to people by these types of identity labels. Here are three things we can focus on to help reach people’s hearts with this message:

  1. God calls all of us to lives of virtue.
  2. If virtue is modeled joyfully, people will be more likely to desire it.
  3. That joyful modeling needs to be done by none other than you and me.

This is so important because because once a heart desires virtue, it will come to desire Christ first and foremost, and that will reveal itself in one’s embraced identity.

And that will be the greatest witness of transformation.

In Closing… From My Heart to Yours

Please don’t call us “gay”
Because that’s not “who we are”
Yes, attractions we experience
But we are more, by far.

See, some labels are inadequate
Leaving less than truth reflected
But if we make it “who we are”
Then an identity we’ve selected.

So if we value honesty
With courage, the truth we’ll face:
Attractions experienced we do not choose
But identity we choose to embrace.

This matters greatly, please understand
Because a climate, we do form
By calling people “gays” and “straights”
We’ve created the new norm.

The norm by which self-concept
Is anchored strong in heart and mind
On ourselves above Creator
Reflecting falsehood of Design

So who are we really?
That’s the question of the hour.
We’re persons first, beloved by God
And finite, below His Power

So before you speak of “gays” and “straights”
Consider the words you use
To reflect that which is objectively true;
That attractions experienced we don’t choose, but embraced identity, we do.

For more on the topic of homosexuality and identity, read:

“Is ‘Gay’ just another adjective?”

“The Strange Notion of ‘Gay Celibacy’”

___________________

Bio
Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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Hope After the Rainbow

I’m a Catholic male and same-sex attractions are a part of my story. However, it has recently been written onto my heart that I might be called to marriage—with a woman.

What?

Let me explain…

Not About Therapy

This has nothing to do with therapy with the objective to change from “gay” to “straight.” I’ve never done that, and I have found peace in knowing that the Church is not trying to get me to pursue that. This has, however, come to be after many years of continuously striving to say “Yes” to God, and “Yes” to growing in virtue (in particular, the virtue of chastity, which I struggled with for most of my life).

I came to desire a chaste heart because I desired holiness, and I desired holiness because I desired to unite my heart with the heart of Jesus Christ. This desire came about because I first experienced the love of Christ through someone like you; someone who simply loved me where I was at in my life, and who chose to walk with me along my journey.

Along that journey, I found myself becoming more and more attracted to women of virtue—ones who would understand the foundations of a holy spousal relationship, and who I could grow with towards greater virtue—possibly even within a marriage!

The Problem

Many think that because same-sex attractions are a part of my story, it’s not possible and that I’m deceiving myself. This disheartening response reflects a closed-mindedness to what God could write on our hearts.

Others simply try to label me as “bisexual,” but this reveals in them a closed-mindedness to my story; a closed-mindedness to understanding who I am and how I got to where I am today. See, this is not as much about sexuality as it is about God, and how He can transform our hearts.

How It All Began

In 2007, I came to desire a Holy Sexuality (thank you Christopher West!) and for the first time, I opened my heart to chastity. I began the long road of breaking a near life-long pornography addiction (thank you Matt Fradd!) and opened myself to the idea of preparing my heart for my future spouse—if that be in God’s plan for me (thank you Jason Evert!).

By the grace of God, I found the strength (and support) to make some major changes in my life.

The net effect was this: I went from considering same-sex relationships (without hope of ever being married to a woman or ever being a father) to adoring the Blessed Sacrament and offering my life to God. The more I let go of my own will, the more God was able to work on my heart (this I can now see retrospectively).

Mysterious Ways

In early 2014, God boldly wrote on my heart to pursue friendship with a particular woman. With courage that I had never before seen from my inner being, that is what I did.

In our time together and apart, there were signal graces. It was fun and inspiring, but also life-altering in holy and profoundly virtuous ways. That is how I knew (and know) it was from God. I came to truly hope that she might be my future wife.

I grew very attracted to her and knew I was called to protect her honor in all ways possible, and to pray for her. Over time, we grew together in holiness, and revealed our hearts to each other bit-by-bit amongst laughter, smiles, and appropriate affection.

I loved her in the way God was calling me to love her at that time, and I began to fall in love with her as well (romantically, that is). She brought great joy into my heart, while drawing me closer to Christ.

Hope Restored


Though we didn’t end up together as a couple, this experience showed me that I didn’t have to give up the hope of one day being a husband and father. In fact, it helped restore my hope more than ever!

Her name… actually means “Hope.” How awesome is that! 

Now, whether it be in God’s plan that I actually marry or not, is another story.  It’s His story—and I am good with that.

But today… I. Have. Hope.  🙂

___________________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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What Kanye West Teaches us about Chastity

If you’ve ever heard of the Beatles, then you’ve probably heard of Paul McCartney. If you’ve ever heard of Paul McCartney, then you’ve probably heard that he just got his big break from some artist named Kanye West. Last week, there were several funny tweets that were posted by young fans who saw Kanye and Paul perform together, but they didn’t know who Paul McCartney was. They declared on their twitter that Kanye had just given some guy named Paul his big break.

The problem is that this description of events is backwards. If the Beatles had not broken the music barrier in North America, would it have ever evolved as it did? Probably not.

However, this “trending news story” throws into the spotlight the ever-important matter called “objective truth.” If absolute truth did not exist, then indeed we could say Kanye gave McCartney his big break. However, absolute truth does exist… and it forces us to order things appropriately, reflecting absolute truth.

Enough about music, let’s talk about how this applies to us:

If you are like me, you were raised in a world that promoted “notches in the bedpost” to be a means by which to measure the happiness in life.

But does it work?

A hookup involves two components: temporary union followed by permanent separation. It’s that simple. Even “Friends With Benefits” is simply a prolonged version of this same reality. In fact, a recent study showed that only 9.8% of those involved in a “Friends With Benefits” arrangement eventually entered an actual dating relationship with the other person. Furthermore, although 83% of college women prefer a traditional romantic relationship to a hookup, they were twice as likely to hook up with a guy as to go on a first date. However, only 20% reported being satisfied after a hookup.

With such a low success rate to get the happiness we are looking for, why do we do it, and pretend it fulfills us?

The reason is that our culture is addicted to the worship of the body. We try to validate ourselves by means of physical gratification, and we often don’t know another way.

But there is another way. Many of us are today choosing to live this other way.

Instead of saying Kanye helped McCartney (or saying that lust will bring us happiness), we can instead be honest with ourselves if we put things into an order that reflects truth: McCartney helped Kanye (chastity brings happiness). This is logic. Heck, just think about it: are you happy when you let yourself get used as means to fulfill someone else’s conquest? Meanwhile, it is the virtue of chastity that frees us to love.

If you doubt what I’m saying, just ask anyone who is immersed in the hook-up culture who is trying to get out. Someone is always hurting in the hook-up world (and sometimes the pain gets drowned in more hook-ups). Those are the casualties of war, so to speak. Don’t we deserve better than that from our culture?

Starting over

If you would like to get out of the hook-up culture, you can (it’s never too late). Surround yourself with people who value purity and are living examples that purity can make sexuality holy, regardless of the past. A heart of purity can make you whole again, and give you that sense of self-worth that we are all seeking.

If the hook-up culture hasn’t given you a happy heart, perhaps it is time to open your heart to purity.

_____________________

Hudson2Hudson Byblow is a teacher and Catholic speaker who lives in Saskatchewan. His passion is helping others find their way to a deeper relationship with Christ. He likes old cars, traveling, and long walks on the beach (and anything else to do with sunshine). He can be reached at hudsonab80@hotmail.com.‎

Kanye West image via Flickr, CC 2.0.

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How to Succeed at Your New Year’s Resolutions

Step 1: Stop aiming to change your actions.

Instead of simply trying to change your actions, aim to change your heart. If you open your heart to God’s grace, your heart will be changed, and your actions will follow suit.

Step 2: There is no step 2. Step 1 is all you need to do… over and over and over again.

When we aim to modify our hearts, we can shift our focus from saying “NO” to “stuff” to saying “YES” to God.

A few years ago, I thought that I could set a magical date and on that date I would “give up” all of that gratifying activity, and “poof,” suddenly become a better person. Of course when that date came, I would just set another significant date down the road… just so I could do it “one more time,” a few times over and over again—to make sure I was “ready.”

But I was forgetting one major thing and that was this: We become who we practice to be; we become a further entrenched version of who we are today. It’s that simple.

In making resolutions year after year, I was lying to myself. I was absolving myself from my responsibility to say YES (to self-control). Instead I was saying NO, and having a pity party about all of the activities that I would no longer let myself do (even though my heart still desired them). I did not have a plan or support in place to help me see beyond the NO. Thus, every moment in the NO was like torture.

It wasn’t until I experienced the joy of Christ (through people like you), that I began to open my heart to saying YES to God’s Will. It helped me see the world through the lens of YES to self-control, and as I write this, with grease from last night’s warmed-up leftover pizza still glistening on my fingers (when I last caved), I am reminded that this YES to self-control applies to all areas of our lives, not just sexuality.

See, if I can’t say YES to self-control while driving by a pizza place at 3:37am, then how on earth might I say YES to self-control to something (or someone) much more enticing? That thought has ruminated in my head for the last five years or so. It reminds me that I really wanted to experience the joy of self-control, instead of the hopelessness that followed from being controlled by my desires.

And here I am today, making the resolution to open my heart to Christ fully—and to no longer pretend that putting a Band-Aid on a bursting dam will solve the leak. Today I rebuild the dam, one YES at a time.

These are my “little victories,” and by the grace of God, they have helped me become who I am today.

As for resolutions? Just one.

______________________________

Hudson2Hudson Byblow is a teacher and Catholic speaker who lives in Saskatchewan. His passion is helping others find their way to a deeper relationship with Christ. He likes old cars, traveling, and long walks on the beach (and anything else to do with sunshine). He can be reached at hudsonab80@hotmail.com.

 

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G, L, B, T, Q, S . . . What’s your identity?

While it is true that same-sex attractions are a part of my life story, today I share of myself to defend the Catholic Church.  Yes, you read that correctly—defend. I pray that you will open your heart to hearing my voice.

Who Do You Say I Am?

Countless people (yes, even Catholics) try to impose the “gay” identity onto me. They feel that if I want to be honest with myself, I should describe and define myself in that way. Many are quite frank in expressing that if I don’t embrace that identity label, then I must be self-hating, delusional, in denial, mired in shame, and so forth (and really, it’s gettin’ kinda old).

This way of thinking reflects the deeply entrenched (and false) idea that “being gay” or “being straight” is “who we are.” Perhaps this is why people think I must embrace the “gay” identity label in order to live a joyful and fulfilling life. They cannot comprehend that there is another way—a way that I joyfully embrace.

Today I see myself first as a beloved son of the Most High; a brother in Christ. Instead of defining myself according to the attractions I experience (which are merely a facet of myself), I base my identity first and foremost on my relationship with God—while still being honest with myself about the attractions I experience.  In choosing to embrace this identity, I have found more joy than I knew was possible!

I got to where I am today by realizing a few key objective truths:

1. Though I don’t choose my attractions, I do choose how I self-identify and define myself. 
In realizing that, I knew I had to see my attractions and my identity as distinct, if I really wanted to be honest with myself.

2. To be open to growing in virtue is to be open to Christ, while to be closed to growing in virtue is to be closed to Christ. 
Out of my love for Christ, I knew I needed to fully open my heart to virtue.

3. To seek fulfillment in Christ while refusing to grow in virtue is a contradiction. To seek fulfillment first and foremost in Christ while at the same time embracing an incomplete identity like “gay” or “straight” (identities that are not anchored first and foremost in Christ), will tear our soul in opposing directions. I lived this. Everything boiled down to my own openness to grow in the virtue of chastity. That brought me to realize:

4. The Church doesn’t reject people. Rather, some people reject the Church. Only I can decide whether or not I will be open to growing in virtue, and my decision will reveal the state of my heart. And that brought me to realize this:

5. If we truly love Christ, we will disengage from whatever undermines virtue (such as unchaste activity and incomplete labels that reduce us to our sexual and or romantic desires).

At this realization, I knew I could no longer self-identify as “gay” and still be fully honest with myself. That identity label led me to not see myself first and foremost according to my relationship with Christ. I knew I had to make the choice to open my heart to virtue—and drop that identity label.

If you think about it, self-identifying as “gay and Catholic” is similar to self-‎identifying as “straight and Catholic.” Both are woefully inadequate labels for the sons and daughters of God—we are so much more! 

Identity Matters

The identity labels we give ourselves influence what we perceive to be fulfilling, and thus influence how we live. For that reason, we need to focus on the formation of identity—it’s what separates those of us who defend the Catholic Church, from those who aim to destroy it.

What Should We Do?

The Church invites all of us to become the living reasons why someone might desire to see themselves first and foremost through the lens of Christ. However, God’s love will shine brighter through us as the “living reasons” if we strive to exemplify the fullness of virtue ourselves. This is how hearts will be won over for the Lord… I am living proof.

That is why today, I joyfully offer my life to defend the Catholic Church.

Will you help by sharing my voice?

(For more articles on this topic by Hudson and others, click here).

____________________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

 

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Homosexuality: Am I destined to be alone?

Many people think that because I experience same-sex attractions, I have only two choices in life: Get into a relationship with another guy and be “fulfilled” or be single and alone (and therefore, miserable). They forget that there is far more to life than either of those choices!


Although I’m not in romantic relationship, I don’t feel alone. Unfortunately, many people wonder how that could be possible. To me, this reveals a confusion that exists between feeling alone and being alone. Let me explain:

To Feel Alone or To Be Alone


Have you ever found yourself with people who don’t seem to care who you are, or what you’re going through? Even though you might spend large amounts of time with these people, your interactions with them aren’t exactly nourishing your heart.

In this situation, it is very easy to feel alone, despite not actually being alone. However, we can also be alone without feeling alone—just ask anyone who is away from their loved one. This is because the bond they share in their hearts is more real than the space that separates them.

When my heart wasn’t connected to others, I felt alone. However, ever since I have chosen to become open to growing in the virtue of chastity, I have become open to uniting my heart to the Heart of Christ (and this is what I continuously strive to do). In doing this, I have become united in the heart with every other person who strives to do the same.

This specific choice has opened many doors for me to find fellowship with others in a worldwide community of people who are also striving to grow in this virtue. The connection of our hearts may be intangible, but our community is not—it is strong and it is growing! It is built up of every person, regardless of attractions or inclinations experienced, who is striving to grow in the virtue of chastity. Along this journey, there is no “alone,” but rather there is a familial bond, through Christ, with the heart of every person who abides in Him—on Earth, and in Heaven!

As a result of my commitment to strive to grow in the virtue of chastity, I truly have never felt alone, despite often being alone. As for the longings of my heart—which are just as real as they ever have been—they are now tempered with self-control, so that I can better discern whether pursuing those longings will help me grow in virtue or not, while keeping in mind that Christ does not draw us away from virtue. In fact, growth in virtue transforms the longings of our hearts to be oriented towards Christ! This does not lead us away from our true selves, but helps us become more fully alive as beloved sons and daughters of God!

I find great joy in being honest with myself by recognizing this truth, and simply being open to what may be in store in the future. I see my prior unchaste life in the rear-view mirror, and I ain’t ever going back! 🙂

____________________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

 

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My Response To Gay Pride Invitations

If you have ever been invited to participate in a gay pride event or invited to “Like” a gay pride page on Facebook, what do you do?

Because I experience same-sex attractions, I get bombarded by that kind of stuff, and have been praying about how I can respond in a loving way, without compromising my faith. I have friends who are closely tied to LGBTQ movements, and I know in their hearts, they are truly doing what they think is best. I have learned to stay quiet and keep the peace on my Facebook wall, by saying nothing. Part of this is pure cowardice—this I do admit. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that Facebook walls are not where hearts are transformed. I took this whole thing to prayer at the foot of the cross. This short letter was the result:

Dear friend,

The world taught me to believe that just because I experience same-sex attractions, “being gay” is “who I am.” However, I noticed that countless people are forming their lives according to their expectations of “what it means” to be “gay,” and for some, it virtually consumes them. This can happen for a lot of people who are simply trying to find their place and who want to belong—that is exactly where I was at one point as well. The problem is that these types of identity labels are incapable of reflecting the fullness of truth of who we truly are. We are more that our sexualities—and if I want to be more completely honest with myself about who I am, embracing a label like “gay” or “straight” is something I will never be able to do.

It’s not a matter of shame—I don’t feel shame for attractions I did not specifically choose to experience. It’s about identity—the identity I specifically choose to embrace. I used to let myself be defined according to my sexual attractions, but today, out of my love for Jesus Christ, I specifically choose to see myself first and foremost through the lens of Christ. I do this while still being honest with myself about the attractions I experience. Therefore, today my identity is first and foremost rooted in Christ. As a result of that transformation of my self-concept, I have gone from being closed to growing in the virtue of chastity, to being open to growing in the virtue of chastity. This has been a joyful transformation that began in the heart.

People often try to tell me that I am living a lie and that the Church hates me and has even brainwashed me. Their accusations reveal their closed-mindedness to growing in their understanding of people like me. I can’t transform their hearts—that is the work of the Holy Spirit. What I can do is offer you my life as an example of the joy I now experience since this transformation of heart has occurred.

I simply invite you to come to learn more about me, and others like me, who experience same-sex attractions and who have specifically chosen to look first and foremost to Christ. In my choice to do this, I have never felt alone, and I have never been more joyful. I just hope and pray that others like me might come to know that they too can find this joy in Christ. His love is for all of us! 🙂

God Bless you. Peace in Christ.

______________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

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