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About a year ago, I traveled with a group of friends to Washington D.C. While there, we decided to visit the National Mall after dusk. We had heard that the area is spectacular with all of the evening night lights a glow. After walking around the pool to the various memorials, we concluded our tour at the Lincoln Memorial. I remember I was reading the Gettysburg Address, which is engraved on one of the walls of the memorial, and was interrupted by my friend jabbing me in the ribs with her elbow to direct my attention to a young couple who were at the feet of President Lincoln.

The young woman was facing him, her hands over her mouth in utter shock. The young man had a beautiful diamond ring in his hand and was down on one knee looking up at her. We automatically knew what was going on with that iconic gesture. He was asking her to spend the rest of her life with him in matrimony.

We get down on one knee in church and in front of royalty, but why does a man do it in do it before the woman he loves? And why should we hold on tight to this well known tradition?

The origin of this tradition is unknown, but like I said, the action itself has been around for centuries. Catholics bend on one knee as a sign of respect toward the tabernacle before taking their seats for the Mass. Knights bend down on one before the king when being knighted and when presenting themselves in a show of honor to royalty. In war, the losing party would kneel in front of the army who won the battle in surrender.

Respect. Honor. Surrender. Those are the reasons behind the bended knee in a marriage. As a sign of respect, the man lowers himself as an act of humility before the woman he desires to spend the rest of his life with.

Furthermore, when he is on one knee, the man is faced to face with the woman’s womb, where life is created. He is honoring her body and honoring her as the Lord’s creation, which deserves to be revered.

A man is surrendering himself and the rest of his life to her. He is surrendering bachelorhood for fatherhood in promising to raise children with her and remain faithful to her in all things.

I don’t know where that young couple from the Lincoln Memorial are now. Last time I saw them, I was leaving the monument and turned to see them sitting on the steps of the memorial discussing how they were going to tell their family and friends the big news. I don’t know whether they knew the significance and beauty behind his act of bending on one knee, but I do pray that she understands the gift of himself that he gave to her.

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Hannah Crites is a freshman at Franciscan University of Steubenville majoring in Theology and Mass Communications with a focus in Journalism. She hails from Denver, Colorado and enjoys eating Twizzlers, long walks on the beach, talking in a horrible British accent, and the word “discombobulate”. Check out more of what she has written at http://youngcatholiccentral.wordpress.com/

Conceal don’t feel.

This is the mantra of the Snow Queen, Elsa, throughout every stage of life. That is, of course, until her climactic musical number in the Disney phenomena, Frozen.  At this moment, the Queen lets her listeners know that the “perfect girl is gone” as she boldly proclaims a new mantra: “no right, no wrong, no rules for me, I’m free!”

As a mother of young children, I have heard the song “Let It Go” roughly a million times in the last few months… and found myself singing along. However, when we break into the meaning behind this moment, we find some controversy. Many individuals have embraced the song as an anthem for breaking free of the societal norms surrounding our sexuality. Even LGBT groups have embraced Frozen as a celebration of the rejection of the philosophy of, “conceal don’t feel” in order to be “free” with their sexual identity.

Now, I don’t know what Disney’s intentions were here. However, as a sociology nerd, I find it quite incredible that a film could be welcomed both in the Christian market, for its emphasis on family and sacrificial love, and simultaneously be celebrated by so-called freethinking movements.

The amazing thing is that this film unites both sides on a truth that we can agree on: the method of “conceal don’t feel” doesn’t work. When it comes to same-sex attractions, there must be another way. Clearly, our decisions on our sexuality rely heavily on our emotions and desires. This is true of those who are single, married, addicted to porn, struggling with fidelity in marriage, those who experience heterosexual attractions, homosexual attractions, and so on and so forth. We are all tempted. The key to success in the realm of purity is to figure out what to do with those emotions.

When we attempt to conceal rather than feel our passions, like Elsa, it generally backfires. Obviously Elsa’s struggle wasn’t sexual, but I think we can all relate to her interior battle in some capacity. I certainly experience this in other areas of life. I find myself stressed and anxious about any number of issues and attempt to shove my struggle in for the sake of perfectionism. Every time, without fail, I am eventually pushed over the edge and find myself unleashing an icy blast of emotion on whoever is unfortunate enough to be nearby.

This can also be true in our struggles for purity. If you find yourself struggling with a sexual temptation, I encourage you, don’t shove it in. Elsa’s expression of her decision to “let it go” includes a resolution to turn away from the “good girl you always have to be” and embrace the mentality that the “perfect girl is gone.” What she misses is her opportunity to turn to the Perfect Man (Jesus).  Elsa’s plan doesn’t work!  In her attempt to find freedom in isolation there are severe consequences.  Our sins, even the ones committed in private, are no different.  We, like Elsa, must remember that although we may think our choices don’t harm others, this is never the case.

Wherever you are in your journey to embrace authentic, Christian chastity, this doesn’t have to be your story. In those moments of temptation, don’t conceal or shove, but pray… pray as often as you need to… even if it’s a lot! Make a conscience decision in the moment to call on the Holy Spirit and give it away to Him! Turn from the invitation of the culture to take the easy way out through giving in and instead let it go to the one who can give you true freedom.

As I outlined in my previous post on Anna’s struggle to regulate her emotion, Christ Himself wants to be your solution. Before knowledge of the ripple effects of her choice, Elsa sings that, “the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all.” However, this fearlessness was short-lived. We cannot conquer our fears by running away. They will not magically disappear.  In contrast, the Psalmists sings, “In danger I called on the LORD; the LORD answered me and set me free. The LORD is with me; I am not afraid.” (Ps 118:6-6)

What is the solution for Anna and Elsa? An act of true Love. This is the key for each and every one of us: to turn to the one whose name is Love and whose act of true love has unfrozen countless hearts for the past 2000 years. We have the invitation to surrender to the arms of He who died simply so we could let it all go. Rather than living in the kingdom of isolation, I encourage you to say yes to the one who promises the Kingdom of Heaven (Matt 10:7). He is the Father who keeps His promises, and He never disappoints.  For freedom Christ has set us free! (Gal 5:1)

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Katie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org). 

Who doesn’t love Anna of Arendelle? It seems as if the epic tale of Frozen has captured an audience that ranges from age two to senior citizen. There is something about the combination of sacrificial love, passion, rejection, pain and joy that resonates in us… not to mention the songs are pretty catchy.

I feel like Anna is so much like the typical girl who crashed the couch in my youth ministry office. There were many days when the teens and I would discuss the ups and downs of romance as we shoved chocolate in our faces. Anna simply wants what we all want: love. It’s what we were made for and it drives our decisions and emotions.

Our heroine thinks she found her answer when she meets Prince Hans—a man who is seemingly charming, yet really a scumbag. It looks to me like proof that some guys truly only want one thing: to rule a North Atlantic Nordic kingdom. Seriously though, as far as the saying is concerned, some guys can only want this one thing because they believe they can achieve it! Men will avoid rejection, but if there are enough girls providing hook-ups then some guys will begin to expect it. While this obviously isn’t true of all men and women, many boys give love to get sex and many girls give sex to get love. However, using someone emotionally or physically isn’t love at all.

Our awkward princess teaches us a valuable lesson. Desperation can be dangerous, very dangerous. Although Anna’s consequence was G-rated (thankfully), her hunger for love and attention clouded her judgment of Hans and his intentions.

The devil can certainly use our desire to love to dissuade us from letting our head and heart work as a team in regard to both physically and emotionally chaste behavior. Many young women I know see a good looking young man and instantly think, “Make my wedding pinboard come true.”Anna’s real problem was that she was starving to be loved and to be noticed. She needed affection and threw herself at the first person who paid attention to her. As a result, she found herself being straight up used.

It is all too easy to get swept away in the same way and begin a relationship without knowing where someone stands on some important issues. Young men and women should know the answers to some very important questions before they emotionally invest in another:

a. Do they share your value of purity? If so, to what extent?

b. What is their faith life like?

c. Will this relationship challenge you in your faith or challenge you to be faithful?

I want to share a story of another woman, who throws herself at a man without reserve, but does so with grace. Jesus is dining at the home of the Pharisees when a woman bursts through the door and falls at His feet. She recklessly breaks a box of expensive oil and anoints Jesus’ feet while washing them with her tears and drying them with her hair. The Pharisees, ruining the moment as usual, chastise the woman and speculate that if Jesus knew what sort of woman she was He wouldn’t let her even touch Him. She doesn’t speak a word, because her knight in shining armor comes to her rescue. Jesus defends her and her dignity as He explains that “her sins, many as they are, have been forgiven her, because she has shown such great love” (Luke 7:47). As she weeps at His feet, Jesus raises her face to his own and looking deep with her very soul, He sets her free.

Was this woman reckless with her desire to love? Certainly. Was she emotional? Oh yeah. What we find here is a woman who takes her desperation for love to the right place. Jesus is the answer. In this moment, His heart must have leapt with the same power that exploded to create the stars in the Heavens. Christ is the only one who can satisfy your hunger for love. While Anna and Hans sing, “say goodbye to the pain of the past, we don’t have to feel it anymore,” Christ instead says, “I will carry your burden and suffer with you.” He doesn’t stop there. If you are called to marriage, in due time, He will also bring you a man who is willing to love you as He loves the Church even unto suffering and death (Eph 5:25). Don’t lose hope. Don’t settle.

Truly, when you choose the Lord’s love and will for your vocation, in place of desperation, then, for the first time in forever, nothing’s in your way.

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Katie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org). 

Recently, I saw a preview at a movie theater, which shocked me. The preview was for the new ABC show, “Rising Star.” Interspersed with images of families and crowds of people together, various celebrities flashed across the screen, saying this message: “Instant Gratification: It’s what you want. And now, it’s what you’re going to get.” My jaw dropped as these words reached my ears. That’s blunt. Is it a good thing to instantly satisfy our desires? And is this what we really want?

Well, when famous singers are telling people that “you want” instant gratification, our culture will move towards that goal. “Instant” products—from Netflix to TV dinners to quickly advancing technology—flood store ads, commercials, and homes. And while I have to confess that “instant view” movies are really convenient, the continual focus on instant gratification is not always that great.

Let’s imagine a world where whatever desires you have are immediately fulfilled. Two people feel attracted to each other, so they start being physically affectionate—and it quickly escalates into sex. Whenever a woman wants a man in her life, she can just whip out her phone and see pictures of local “available men,” whom she can contact. Whenever two people get really serious, they move in together to “test drive” their relationship prior to marriage.

Does this sound like a healthy society? I don’t think so. Unfortunately, this is our society. Tons of current relationships are based on physical intimacy, and they leave the people deeply injured. A variety of dating apps are on the rise, as more and more people try to instantaneously find a random person to date. And cohabitation is now incredibly commonplace. No commitments, no strong sense of self-control, just living on desires. A society based on the fleeting emotions and whims of billions of people—does this really sound like a good idea?

We are made for more than this. Delayed gratification can strengthen relationships, heighten intelligence, and make us healthier. It’s not rocket science; even a secular institution showed that delayed gratification is good for us.

In the late 1960s, psychology researchers at Stanford performed the famous “Marshmallow Study.” Hundreds of four-year-olds were each given one marshmallow or other treat. They were told that if they waited for fifteen minutes without eating their treats, they would additionally be given another treat. Some children smelled and touched their marshmallows, and ultimately ate them. Other children closed their eyes, turned around, or kicked their desks, to distract themselves from eating their treats. Over forty years later, researchers re-examined these people. On average, the people who, as preschoolers, delayed gratification were more socially competent, had stronger relationships, and higher SAT scores.

Saying “no” to the culture of cohabitation and hookups isn’t all that easy, but when we delay satisfying our desires in small ways, we will be able to strengthen ourselves to resist the sexual temptations that come along.

Say “no” to the snooze button. Right at the start of the day, we have a way to build self-control: when that alarm goes off, get up and start the day. This is way easier said than done (I’ve always overused the snooze button), but worth doing. Controlling our desires at the start of the day is a great way to begin a life of delayed gratification.

Make sacrifices for the greater good. This sounds like something from the Medieval World, with the “knights in shining armor”—but it’s for us, too! With sacrifice, we take control over our desires, so that we aren’t ruled by them. Even something like “I will eat a cookie at dinner instead of lunch” is a great way to start!

Don’t fly into one-night hookups, form lifelong friendships. When emotions are surging, and the mood is romantic, dipping to your desires and hooking up with that guy may seem awesome. Why not delay gratification and patiently work at becoming friends with people of the opposite sex? Instead of being alone and broken after a one-night stand, you will have a lot less heartache and healthy friendships.

Don’t listen to what the celebrities say; let’s tell them who we are: individuals who can control our desires, delay gratification, and live stronger, healthier lives filled with true sacrificial love.

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Anne Marie Miller studies Theology and English at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She has a passion for the Catholic Faith, chastity, and St. Francis of Assisi, and frolicking around barefoot. In August 2013, she was blessed to marry her incredible husband, and the two of them enjoy the epic adventures of married college life. When she’s not doing homework, housework, cooking, or playing chess, AnneMarie reflects on her random observations on her blog, Sacrifice of Love. (http://marianninja.blogspot.com)

We all know about Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance last fall, but she continues to be in the news for one thing or another. Whether it be her performance, her outfits, something she’s said or most recently, photos she posted, she continues to be a topic of conversation.

For those of us who strive to live virtuous lifestyles, Miley can be an easy target. After witnessing months of continuous “Miley bashing,” I had to ask myself—Why do we keep doing this? I love seeing our country talk about morals, self-respect, modesty and values. But what’s breaking my heart is we are forgetting that the subject of the ongoing conversation is a 20 year old girl.

I want to be clear—I have read, watched and listened to some conversations move past “Miley bashing” and respectfully discuss the morality issues tied to her actions. What I‘m addressing today is the more frequent “rants” I have witnessed; making judgmental statements about Miss Cyrus and using horrible names that I refuse to repeat in my blog.

When we “Miley bash,” is our goal to use this as an opportunity to educate our young women about self-respect and dignity? Well if that’s true, we are doing a terrible job—I have heard very few people move beyond the “what kind of girl would do that?” to “here’s what we can learn from the situation.” Recently, I have even seen the headline “next stop: porn?”

We are doing a great job of teaching our young women that it’s ok to disrespect another young woman just because we feel she disrespected herself. We are teaching young women that it is ok to call her terrible names on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and anywhere else the Internet allows because we believe that her actions deserve it. We are also teaching them to expect the same treatment themselves when they make a mistake in their own life.

If we are upset that Miley disrespected herself then why are we disrespecting her as well?

As Americans we can’t stop talking about bullying—yet some of us have been doing just that for months now.

I am sure Miley hasn’t watched all of the negative interviews about her performance and her recent photos, she will never see the Facebook posts or the blogs that clearly state how we feel about the issue. But do you know who IS listening? Our young women.

So what now?

The performance happened, the photos happened, we have talked about them and then talked about them some more.

If our goal is to use this opportunity to educate our young women about virtue—then we need to start responding to the situation with the virtue of love.

Instead I challenge you—if the Miley Cyrus’ actions upset you, channel your anger into something positive…

• Use Miley as an opportunity teach girls in your community that they deserve so much more than to be looked at as an object. That they can gain more confidence by showing off their brain, rather than their bodies and that they will receive true love by valuing themselves for who they are and not what they look like.

• Use Miley as an opportunity to realize that our role models should be our grandmothers, teachers, mothers, aunts, friends, and sisters.

• Use Miley as an opportunity for us to spend a little more time loving the teenagers in our own life. Pointing out the positive decisions they are making rather than the negative decisions of someone else.

Use this as a learning opportunity, rather than an opportunity to criticize. That is all I ask.

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Chelsea Gheesling was blessed to hear a very important message at a young age—happiness and fulfillment is found when we strive to see the goodness in ourselves and others. She wanted to share that message with others so she started the Good Girl Comeback. As the founder and main speaker for the GGCB, Chelsea has presented to thousands of girls at schools, churches and seminars, been featured in magazines, newspapers and radio broadcasts. Chelsea has been delivering youth presentations for more than nine years throughout the world on self-respect, virtue and spiritual development.

In 2009 and 2012, I wrote essays for the Tampa Bay Times about why I’m saving sex for marriage—essays that sparked impassioned reactions. Some feedback came from readers who agreed that saving sex is a good idea. Other feedback came from readers who shared why they think premarital sex is better.

But their reasons—which still show up in my inbox—have this in common:

They’re myths.

Today, we bust them:

Myth 1: “You should have sex with the people you date because you wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it first.” It is true that one would not buy a car without test driving it. It is also true that cars are objects, and that a person who owns a car is supposed to use it. But people are not cars. We’re not objects. A married person is not supposed to use his or her spouse. A married person is supposed to participate in “total mutual self-giving” (CCC 1644), and to exemplify the “absolute and unfailing love” God has for us (CCC 1604). The need for a test-drive, when the quest is for a car, exists because we have to see that the means (a car) serves its purpose. The need for a test-drive, when the quest is for a spouse, is a myth, because a person who treats a spouse like a means to an end is a person who doesn’t love.

Myth 2: “You should have sex with the people you date or wedding night sex will be awkward.” Or underwhelming. Or just plain bad. This myth—that we ought to have premarital sex so sex isn’t uncomfortable on our wedding nights—implies that the quality of wedding night sex is paramount, and that how immediately sex is pleasurable is what determines its quality. This myth requires a person’s focus to be on preparedness for a wedding night. It perpetuates the misguided belief that physical pleasure is what makes sex good. It isn’t. Unity makes sex good. Procreation makes sex good. That it feels good is an added bonus. Sex that isn’t immediately pleasurable requires a couple to use teamwork and communication and patience—skills a couple uses to practice chastity while they date, skills fostered when we prepare for marriage rather than just for a wedding night.

Myth 3: “You should have sex with the people you date because you need to know you are sexually compatible.” This myth wouldn’t be a myth if sex were static. But it isn’t. Even secular sex columnists agree (“Most people don’t start out very good (at sex),” one wrote; sex “skills” are learned, wrote another.) And indeed they are, with communication, practice, and patience. Which outs what actually underlies this myth: The quest isn’t for sexual compatibility. It’s for effortless sexual compatibility. Sexual compatibility can be achieved within a marriage over time, but our culture seeks compatibility that’s effortless because that sort of sex would not require what we are far too quick to avoid: work. A marriage doesn’t have to be doomed for newlyweds who discover that the sex isn’t effortless; instead, it can be fortified, when a groom and a bride agree to learn together.

Why the world says it’s ok to learn with each other before you’re married but not ok to learn with each other after you’re married remains a mystery. #Facepalm.

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Arleen Spenceley is author of forthcoming book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin, to be released by Ave Maria Press in Fall 2014. She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times. She has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com and tweets @ArleenSpenceley. Click here to like her on Facebook.

You meet someone new and find him attractive. You wonder if maybe, just maybe, this might be “The One.” You start to look for any sign of affection in their behavior towards you, and become mildly flirtatious in your own behavior. We’ve all been there! There’s no physical contact, no premature declaration of love, nothing obviously inappropriate in your relationship. It’s innocent, right?

Except that you don’t have to let your physical guard down to let your emotional guard down. Without meaning to, you’ve taken the emotional connection to a level that the relationship is not, and may never be, ready for. More often than not this risks distracting you from where God is calling you in life and may damage your friendship with the person in question. Not only that, but when we see each other as merely a romantic potential rather than as people, we actually deprive each other of our dignity as men and women.

The Bible calls us to ‘Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters’ (Hebrews 13:1), because that’s exactly what we are in Christ. Our primary identity is as sons and daughters of God, meaning that we also need to view each other first and foremost as brothers and sisters in His family.

With your own siblings, you don’t find yourself constantly seeking their attention and judging yourself based on their affection. You simply love them for who they are, and affirm them in that identity. This is the attitude we should have towards all members of the opposite sex! We have a responsibility to hold each other accountable and build each other up in our faith, but as soon as we allow ulterior motives to take root in our relationships we are no longer able to do that whole-heartedly. Viewing everyone we meet as brothers and sisters will encourage inclusivity, community, respect, and both emotional and spiritual protection.

There are several ways we can all work on altering our attitude in this area of life:

• Pray for your brothers & sisters in Christ.
• Affirm their gifts & strengths, as well as their masculinity or femininity.
• Focus on their personality rather than appearance.
• Dress & act modestly to show respect for yourself and others.
• Remind yourself daily of the dignity and purpose of men and women.

In order to form a healthy, loving relationship with the person who eventually becomes your spouse, it is important that you develop a pure heart in your attitude to the opposite sex. Not only will this allow you to get to know a genuine potential husband or wife within the boundaries of a respectful relationship, but it will also mean that your heart is guarded against confusion and misinterpretation of other relationships so as to be able give yourself totally and freely to your spouse if and when the time comes.

Ask yourself this: Am I treating the opposite sex with the same respect, authenticity and purity as I would treat my own brothers or sisters? Are there any ways in which I can better serve, affirm and support them?

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 Esther Rich is studying Psychology at Oxford University, UK. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

ABC’s hit reality television show—The Bachelorette—is currently in its 10^th season. Coupled with the original hit show, The Bachelor—which has 18 seasons of its own—this series has been on television for 28 seasons. The premise of The Bachelorette is that 25 men compete for the affections of one woman. Each week, the one woman whittles the field of men down until, eventually, there is a marriage proposal at the end of the show. Every week millions of viewers tune in (demographics show that the viewership is mostly women) to watch as a woman’s fairytale dreams become a reality.

A couple of years ago, I watched an episode of this series. It was awful. There’s a reason why these people are single. While the premise of the television show is about helping two people find real love, you wouldn’t know it from the show. The bachelor or bachelorette frequently make-out or even hook up with multiple participants in the show—only to then break up with them on television. Because one person is essentially dating multiple people at the same time, the show lends itself to situations of jealousy, backstabbing and drama among contestants. In addition to being promiscuous with their bodies, the participants are emotionally unchaste—with one person leading many people to believe that he/she is in love with multiple people. Everything about the show speaks of romance in search of love, but none of the show’s contestants know the first thing about love.

But the couples on the show are not my biggest concern. My biggest concern is for the millions that tune in every week to watch the show. The romantic destinations and setups, the chance to watch two people grow in love with one another and the ability to root for favorites make the show must watch every week. For the hopeless romantic, reality shows like The Bachelorette can really suck you in. Television shows like The Bachelorette are successful ratings grabbers because people love a good love story.

But what makes the show dangerous is just that—we can get sucked into watching something that isn’t a love story.

Consider this: Of the show’s 28 seasons on television, only four couples are still together. The average relationship lasts only one month after the show airs on television. For all the talk about finding true love, the show has a terrible track record for matchmaking. Every season is filmed over the course of about 6 weeks. This means that contestants who get engaged at the end of a show have only known each other for a month and a half. During the month and half that the couple knows each other, their relationship is filled with drama, jealousy, promiscuity and confusion. This is not a recipe for love.

When we tune in to watch all of this unfold, we can delude ourselves into thinking that what we are watching is love. The trap is set and we get caught up in it. The problem is that the only thing that we can learn from watching failed relationships is how to have a failed relationship. If we regularly expose ourselves to a fake love story, we begin to expect similar unrealistic expectations in our own lives.

Love is about a mutual self-gift and willing the good of the other. When we get trapped into believing that shows like The Bachelorette are about love, we twist our own understanding of love into something that love is not. When it comes to the Bachelorette and other shows like it, sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is just tune out.

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Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @Efritzfritz1

No one can resist a numbered list, right? Every magazine at the supermarket checkout counter is full of numbered lists—The Eight Things Your Man Wishes You Knew About Basketball, or Fourteen Super-foods That Melt the Blues Away. Every Web site that wants high traffic is practically a numbered list of numbered lists—Fifteen Celebrity Hairstyles We Love to Hate, or The Top Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Patagonia. (You know you’d read that one, even if you have no idea where Patagonia is.)

I have some important things to say about dating, which is a much more important subject than most people think. It’s the spiritual boot camp for marriage, which is a vocation—the way you’re called to serve God.

So if I put what I have to say about dating into a numbered list, it stands to reason that you might read it––at least I hope.

Here they are, in no particular order: the 5½ Soul-Crushing Traps to Avoid While Dating.

Why 5½? Because sex isn’t on my list of 5. You probably thought I would talk about it, and you’d probably be disappointed if I didn’t. Yes, it’s actually very important to avoid sex before marriage. No, not because the Church is trying to suppress your relationship. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The Church desires to free your relationship––dare I say sanctify your relationship––for the sake of true love.

It’s so important, in fact, that you’ve heard it all before.

So I’m going on to five other things to avoid that you haven’t heard as much about. But I didn’t want you to be disappointed that I hadn’t mentioned sex, so I did.

1. Selfishness.

In our culture, it’s all about me is our mantra. But life can’t be all about you. It can’t even be all about me, much as I’d like it to be. In fact, it’s all about Jesus. And dating is where we should be learning that. Everyone wants a happy marriage, right? Then learn to carry the cross now. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”—that’s what St. Paul said (Ephesians 5:25). You’ll have a happy marriage when you’re ready to give up everything and die for each other. You can’t have that till you win the spiritual battle against selfishness.

2. Couple Isolation.

The two of you are not enough. Isolate yourselves, and you will suck the spiritual life out of your relationship. You need to build a strong core of faith-based friends so your relationship can grow. And this is the time to start. Find people to surround yourselves with that will draw you closer to the heart of Jesus—and each other.

3. Perfectionism.

People aren’t perfect. You think you’ve found the person of your dreams—and then you notice that one little annoying thing. Well, get over it. You’re not perfect either.

That doesn’t mean you lower your standards when you’re choosing whom you date. But be patient in the little things. Don’t dwell on small annoyances (my wife has gotten good at this). Learn to deal with them now, in spiritual boot camp, and you’ll be much happier down the road.

4. Jealousy.

If jealousy is a problem in your relationship, you need to have a conversation about it now and set some realistic boundaries. Now, I know human nature—I know that you may enjoy the attention you get from a little flirting with another person. And you might even like the attention you get from your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s jealousy. But you can’t find your self-worth in poking at the other person’s insecurities. That’s not love. And it’s not healthy.

5. Keeping God Out.

Okay, I know I said in no particular order, but this is definitely the most important. When we edge God out of our lives, our relationships will suffer. When we invite God into our relationships, we invite love into our relationships—because God is love. Don’t be afraid to pray with your girlfriend. Don’t be afraid to take your boyfriend to Mass with you. When we invite God in, the way we see the world changes. And the way you’ll see each other will, too.

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Jon Leonetti is an international Catholic speaker, author and radio host who conveys a message of lasting fulfillment in Jesus Christ. Jon desires to cultivate an intimate relationship with Jesus and help others do the same through prayer, the Sacraments, family life, Mary and the saints. Engaging Catholics in all walks of life, Jon’s keynote presentations and Surge of the Heart Parish Mission continues to help thousands of Catholics each year discover the freedom Christ offers by way of His life and love. Learn more about Jon at www.JDLeonetti.com

I smiled at the face on my computer’s screen—a MySpace profile pic of a Christian boy with bright eyes and a bass guitar. He was 21 and part of a band made up of a handful of my friends. I was 19 and had seen enough to come to a quick conclusion:

I should date him.

We texted and talked, and felt tethered to each other before we ever met face to face. I chose him, and he chose me, and we forged onward, determined to share life without discerning whether we should.

This is because discernment is a lost art. We cross paths with a person whose gaze raises our heart rate, whose humor gets us every time, or who gets us. We are physically attracted to him or her, and mentally distracted by his or her presence (or absence). We decide with haste to date him or her based mostly (if not solely) on what we feel when we first meet, without acknowledging dating’s purpose: to discern marriage.

The result? We aim in dating to maintain the warm, fuzzy feelings that brought us together. We date without discerning. But discernment is an art we can bring back, if we ask important questions while we date, including but not limited to these:

Do I know the truth about this person? In his brilliant book Love and Responsibility, St. John Paul II wrote that “feelings arise spontaneously—the attraction which one person feels towards another often begins suddenly and unexpectedly—but this reaction is in effect ‘blind.’ Where the feelings are functioning naturally, they are not concerned with the truth about their object. … And this is just where emotional-affective reactions often tend to distort or falsify attractions: through their prism, values which are not really present at all may be discerned in a person. … This is why in any attraction—and indeed, here above all—the question of the truth about the person towards whom it is felt is so important.” I decided to date the bassist based on spontaneous feelings, and I focused on keeping them strong instead of on discovering who he was.Through the prism of feelings, I could justify his decision not to tell his parents about our relationship. I could rationalize his decision not to demote his “ex-girlfriend” from her first place position in his MySpace “Top 8.”

Do I actually like this person? In dating relationships in which I’ve been committed to discovering the truth, I have learned more than once that I don’t like this guy. The charming one, who turned out to be a narcissist. The funny one, who turned out to be immature. The other funny one, who turned out to be to local strip clubs what Sam Malone was to Cheers. Some of us—like I, in the relationship with the bassist—forge onward regardless of whether what we learn means we don’t like a person, because we don’t pause long enough to notice that we don’t. Others are pressured (from within or from without) to work on relationships not actually worth their time. But our commitment in dating is not until death. It’s until we’ve discerned that we shouldn’t get married.

Does the world need a kid who’ll grow up and turn into one of us? If you wouldn’t want your child to turn into you or the person you’re dating, you ought to ask another question: Why not? In the answer, you’re likely to find important evidence: not that you or he or she should never procreate, but that you (or he or she) is currently more open to maintaining a status quo than to growing, that one is a reckless decision-maker, or a self-absorbed ignorer of surroundings—that one isn’t yet prepared for marriage. And that requires us to ask this question: is a person who is unprepared for marriage a person who should date? If not—and I’d say not—we have used the art of discernment to determine what we ought to do next.

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Arleen Spenceley is author of forthcoming book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin, to be released by Ave Maria Press in Fall 2014. She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times. She has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com and tweets @ArleenSpenceley. Click here to like her on Facebook.

With summer here and people already working on their tans; magazine articles are beginning to shift toward things like How to Get a Perfect Beach Body, This Years Best Waterproof Makeup and How to Look Less Terrible After Swimming in the Ocean. Among these headlines is usually “Hottest Summer Hook-ups” or something to that extent.

While the idea of these “hook-ups” might seem appealing and exciting, it is not something that should be considered praiseworthy. In all honesty, hook-ups are only about self-gratification and using someone else’s body as an object of pleasure.

I would like to propose an idea contrary to this—the idea of summer love. You might be thinking “Wait, aren’t they the same exact thing?” Well the answer is no. I’m not talking about the “Summer Lovin’” Grease stylization of a glorified hook-up… I’m talking about love—in the summer. I’m talking about mutual respect for another person’s body and soul. I’m talking about Christ-like love.

In his 1st letter to the Corinthians, St. Paul famously presents what love is and also what it is not. He writes “it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests it is not quick tempered it does not brood over injury” he says “Love is patient, love is kind”.

This kind of love is what we should give and also hope to receive from those around us. The great thing about this type of love that it is not limited to one type of relationship. It is possible for us to treat everyone around us this way.

So ditch the summer hook-up mentality and take the summer love challenge. Try loving everyone around you and showing them the type of love that Christ desires to give them. Be that light of love in the world.

This will provide so many opportunities for happiness and healing for you and for those around you. It could change their lives and it definitely will change yours.

I will be praying for all of you as you embark on this lifelong journey of love.

God loves you so much and so do I.

1 Corinthians 13

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Rebekah Hardy lives in New Jersey and is a sophomore at Mount St. Mary’s University in Emmitsburg, Maryland where she majors in Theology and minors in English. She enjoys playing sports, praying the Rosary, and drinking iced coffee. Her blog can be found at catholiclifesite.wordpress.com and her twitter handle is @bekahhardy7.

Every year in the United States, there’s this national holiday that rolls around called: Super Bowl Sunday. Half of the people at these household Super Bowl parties are there to see two NFL Football teams go at it for glory, in fierce competition. The other half of the partygoers are there to… well, see the commercials.

Last year, companies spent a whopping 8 Million dollars for a 60 second commercial during Super Bowl programming, while others spent 4 Million dollars for a 30 second one. These companies know that there are going to be tens of millions of people watching their flat screen TV’s all across America, so they are willing to invest big money during prime time, in order to market their products in creative and humorous ways.

A few years ago, I was at one of these parties and during a timeout, a certain commercial started being shown. There was a delicious looking bacon and cheese hamburger, with two meat patties, being magnified on the screen. I literally began to drool at the sight of this thing, wondering where I could get one. Then after a few seconds, the camera zoomed out and revealed someone holding the burger. Sure enough, it was a very attractive woman, who was wearing a bikini and eating that burger like she was intoxicated by it.

Here is what happened in the room at this point during the commercial: 1. Moms began to cover the eyes of their children, 2. The other women started saying, “This is so gross”, while their boyfriends or husbands half-heartedly shared their sentiments while they continued watching distractedly, 3. Some of the men had no shame and their eyes and imaginations were glued to the TV, like moths to bright light. For a moment I found myself a bit dazed and confused as to why this woman’s body was sharing the screen with the burger I had coveted so badly a few seconds ago. And then it dawned on me as I came to my senses: “Carl’s Jr. literally thinks I’m going to fall for this garbage?!”

It’s no mystery that sex sells. It sells a lot. And it traps unsuspecting men (and women) to buy into a huge lie. Namely, we’re taught as a society to reduce women into OBJECTS. Not people with minds, hearts, souls, hopes, dreams, and aspirations… Nope, just objects to lust after. And ultimately, what is Lust? It’s using another person for our own selfish gratification. And what’s the harm in that? The harm is in the fact that no person should ever be used or treated like an object, for their body parts. Rather, they should be afforded the God-given dignity and respect they deserve (even if they don’t ask for it themselves), because they have been created in God’s image and likeness.

You see, the advertisement executives at Carl’s Jr. were probably thinking this while they were coming up with this commercial:

“Hey there America! Where the fellas at? We know you love bacon! We know you love burgers and cheese! What’s more American than that? We know you like women and sex too, so here’s our lovely model whose name is… Actually, who cares about her name! Here’s her body instead! You like what you see, don’t you? You’re welcome. Enjoy. You guys are so dumb, and you make us filthy rich. See, as you’re watching our commercial, you are associating the sexual feelings you have towards our bikini model, with our double bacon cheeseburger. So every time you drive by our restaurants and franchises, you’re going to be reminded of your sexual stimulation, and at the same time, will want to buy our combo meal. So cheers to you, Stupid! All we do is flash you body parts, and you reward us with your business and appetite. Have some fries with that, a soft drink, and come back again!”

How far we have fallen, gentlemen. We shouldn’t be entertained by such petty advertisements. Instead we should be insulted… Twice. Once: because someone’s mother, daughter, or sister is being degraded as a sexual object, and gawked at by men around the world, for the sake of amusement and selling burgers. Twice: because people think we are so pathetic, we have no control whatsoever over our sexual appetites… Like untrained animals. Here’s a challenge for you to prove them otherwise: Don’t eat at Carl’s Jr. anymore—or any establishment that degrades women for the sake of profit.

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” ~Matthew 5:28

Men… Brothers… wake up.
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Paul J. Kim is an International youth speaker, vocalist, and beatboxer. He presents and performs full time, sharing his love for Christ via music, comedy, and inspirational talks. He has released two music albums entitled “The World Sings” (2013) and “Run Fly Fall” (2009), and has been featured at NCYC, the Steubenville Summer Youth Conferences, and the Spirit in the City Festival in London, UK. His background includes a Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy (Hope International Univ.), a Philosophy Degree (Franciscan University of Steubenville), and over a decade of experience working in youth ministry. Paul resides in Southern California, with his wife, Maggie. Visit Paul’s website at www.PJKmusic.com.

It was a habit that started when the two of us would cram into my extra-long twin bed back in college.

We were high school sweethearts. Even my comforter and throw pillows were blue and green: homage to our school colors. We’d stretch our toes and yawn together. And there was something to having him there, at arm’s reach, in the middle of our long-term relationship.

Our lives weren’t just connected by phone lines and hushed middle-of-the-night phone calls echoing along the walls of the hallway outside my dorm. You were there, a warm presence, a mound of a man I loved.

So many of us good Christian girls would do it. For a while our freshman year, it was like a game of nighttime musical chairs. We prayed, we listened to Christian music, we laughed about the days to come.

And then our boyfriends would come to visit us for the weekend in our four-person dorm. We’d forget that it didn’t matter if we were saving the Big Sleep for marriage. We were crossing a serious boundary, we were entering a realm of radical intimacy, whether we were breaking a commandment or not.

This pattern showed up in my relationships after we broke up. It repeated long after freshman year. Long after dormitory life. It echoed into the dynamic of every relationship since, just like the whispering late-night calls with my ex-high-school-honey.

Let me be clear: we know that sex before marriage is wrong. That was an obvious boundary to never cross.

But, every guy I’ve dated since then had a pillow with my name on it. In every relationship, spending the night, no matter how innocent it seemed, has crept back into the tide of my love life. I fell in love with a few men, and fell into the habit of closing my eyes to a face and waking to it again eight hours later.

IT WAS A CONSOLATION FOR THE MARRIAGE I DIDN’T HAVE.

It wasn’t a big deal. It was just sleeping beside someone.

Until I met you.

We’ve been dating for a year now. And still, it happens the same way every night we hang out.

THERE’S NO PILLOW IN MY NAME. THERE’S NO SPACE RESERVED FOR ME 

WHILE YOU SLEEP.

On our date nights, you look at the clock and watch the minutes drip down to midnight. Then, when the clock strikes twelve, you stand to your feet and offer me your hand.

“Here, let me walk you to your car,” you say. You call this “Cinderella time.” It’s our nickname for the moment when we say goodnight. When you nestle me safely there and wait for my “got home safe, love you” text.

TO BE HONEST, AT FIRST IT REALLY CONFUSED ME.

I thought you loved me. I thought you wanted me around all of the time.

Yes, we’re the “good Christian boy and girl,” but haven’t all of the other Christian men I’ve dated wanted the same thing from me eventually? No matter how devout or respected they were in their communities?

We’ve learned this, these legally-single women and I. We’ve learned that we’re desired by becoming the prom queen. The Cinderella at the ball. There is something about our face, our frames that make us desirable. It’s our faces and frames that get us the free drinks and the phone numbers on cocktail napkins, after all.

And then I realized where my sense of worth was coming from. It was coming from an invitation to spend the night. It was coming from the want of being wanted. It was coming from a ritual that was breaking down my standards. Brick by brick.

You didn’t want this from me. And by this small gesture, by this boundary, by this standard, by this reasoning, you do love me.

You desire to see me flourish. You desire to save that for later. You desire to encourage me. And lead me through a healthy relationship.

And even better, you respect me. Which, oddly, looks a whole lot like love. Real love.

Our relationship will not be characterized by sleepovers. This is something sacred that you want to save, because you’ve learned lessons the hard way, too.

And I’m thankful. Thankful to have someone in my life who doesn’t fall for the “it’s not a big deal” trick. It’s a very big deal, you tell me. You let me know by keeping your word. You let me know by leading me well, and protecting my spirit.

I have to wonder if this is the sign. If this is what makes the difference. If this protection of my heart, this willingness to do things differently than our culture would suggest (even our Christian culture) is what leads to a beautiful life.

SO, TO THE MAN WHO WON’T SLEEP WITH ME: I DON’T 

WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU, EITHER.

Because I love you, too.

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Brett Elizabeth Wilson, creator of prodigalsister.com, is a “Type-A Hippie” from Virginia Beach, Va. She loves coffee, red lipstick and Broadway musicals.

Katie’s story

I was 17 when I had the life-changing opportunity to experience the program now known as Franciscan LEAD. This was the week I fell in love. This love had a name and a face and was more indescribable than anything I had ever experienced. It was Jesus who captured my heart and became the first Love of my life. The Lord, Love Himself, was revealed to me, and there was no turning back. I came home feeling alive for the first time and I knew I wanted more.

I also realized that week that if I was called to marriage then my Creator surely knew who I would marry. My heart began to yearn for a man who would love Christ more than he could ever love me. So I hit my knees. Each night, from then on, I begged God for specific intentions for my Husband-To-Be (or as I began to refer to him, my HTB). I asked that the man who would capture my heart would first be captured by His. If he was struggling with poor decisions, friendships, bad influences, or impurity, I pleaded that God would grant grace for conversion.

I decided that if my future spouse was out there, I didn’t want to waste my heart on anyone else. I knew I may have to kiss some frogs to find my prince, however, I wasn’t about to settle for frogs. I had a goal in mind and chastity of heart and body were the only way to reach it.

Mark’s story

My life throughout high school consisted of few things: basketball, friends, parties, girls and beer. I thought I had everything I needed. I certainly was not thinking about my future spouse or trying to prepare myself for her.

One night, during the summer after graduation, I was alone in my room when something happened that I will never forget. I wasn’t in prayer, or even thinking about God, when I unexpectedly felt the Holy Spirit rush into the room and into my heart. In that moment, I understood with clarity a simple reality: that my God lived, laughed, wept, and ultimately died on a cross…all for me. The clarity and grace I experienced that night was enough for me to change my life immediately and with urgency. I instantly fell to my knees and wept. I decided to turn from sin and grew in desire for purity, chastity, virtue and holiness.

Mark and Katie’s story

Several years passed and Mark and I both transferred to the same college where we met and began to date. (For all the juicy details visit womaninlove.org) That summer, we returned to our separate hometowns. One evening, during our daily chat, I felt an inclination to ask Mark if he knew the date of his conversion experience. I went to my bookshelf and pulled out a tattered notebook. As I turned to the date in my prayer journal, my heart pounded. There it was. I quickly began to read the prayers during that pivotal week at LEAD. The very week that I had decided to climb into the trenches as a warrior for my HTB matched up with the date of Mark’s conversion experience. I read the prayers of my teenage self as I begged the Lord to deliver my future spouse. I prayed about specific things that Mark was indeed tempted with, and asked that the Lord would show him how much more intoxicating life in Christ could be.

On the summer night of this discovery, we found ourselves once again separated by thousands of miles. However, this time, God revealed how He had rendered distance insignificant when He united us spiritually years before. I began to read these passages to Mark over the phone, and we both wept in amazement and thanksgiving.

If you are ever feeling like there are no good and holy men or women left in the world to love you the way you deserve to be loved, don’t be discouraged and don’t lose hope. God is good, and He answers prayers. Someone somewhere may be in need of yours…

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Katie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org). 

“Pray for your future spouse.” It’s a beautiful phrase which often serves as a reminder to entrust everything to God – including our love lives. But more often than not we hear the phrase in the low points of singleness, when we’re encouraged to ask God to bring us the spouse we long for.

The problem with that is we risk getting so caught up in our own desires that we forget what we’re really praying about: a person! Sometimes we focus so much on the future that we forget they already exist. They’re the same person now as they will be when you meet them—they get out of bed every morning, go to work or school, spend time in prayer, practise hobbies and hang out with friends… And they have needs and desires! Instead of just prayers of petition for ourselves, we should be offering up prayers of intercession for our future spouses.

Around December last year I felt the Lord urging me to pray a novena for my future husband. I don’t know who he is yet, I don’t know what was happening in his life at that time, but I do know that for whatever reason he needed my prayers. Because I love the person he will be on our wedding day, I love the person he is right now—so I continue to pray for his growth with God and for his protection from the enemy.

I want to encourage you to pray for your future spouse, rather than simply praying to have them!

1. Seeing your future spouse as a real person will keep you focused in your pursuit of purity.

When the person you will marry becomes real in your mind rather than an abstract concept, they provide the motivation to resist temptation and save yourself for them. You know the heart of who you’re waiting for, even if you don’t yet know their name, height or hair color.

2. Praying for their needs will prepare you for the total gift of self that is marriage.

When you get married, and even more so if you have children, you will need to very quickly adapt to having more than just yourself to worry about, and sometimes having to put your own desires lower down the priority list. Replacing prayers for what you want with prayers for what they need is the first step.

3. Not focusing on your own desires helps you to put your trust in God.

You may feel you’re called to marriage, but only God knows when that will be. Demanding instant gratification in the romance department won’t alter God’s plan to prosper you. So instead of offering God a comprehensive list of qualities you need in a partner (with an N.B. that you’d prefer them all by next Easter), try thanking Him for the person they are and praying into their current situation… whatever that might be.

You might be thinking “soppy, overly-romantic, idealistic.” Well, anyone that knows me will tell you I’m none of those things. For me, praying for my future husband isn’t a way of “coping” with singleness, it’s an assertion in advance of my equal status in our relationship and prayer life. I believe that the power of a couple’s prayers for each other secures their relationship.

What if I don’t get married?

Your prayers are never wasted! You are, first and foremost, a bride of Christ—so if your vocation doesn’t involve marriage, then your prayers will be offered up to your holy spouse (Jesus) anyway. As the idea is already to pray for needs that we don’t fully understand, only Jesus will know what good your prayers do for humanity through Him.

Try adding your future spouse to your prayer list, or offering up a prayer whenever you think about them, and see how your perspective changes! Pray for blessings on their life, pray for their safety and security, pray for their faith and relationship with Jesus. Most of all pray for them, rather than your desire for them.

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 Esther Rich is in her final year studying Psychology at Oxford University, UK. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

My phone rang mid-day on a Monday—an unexpected call from a friend in a crisis sparked by a spouse’s newly revealed infidelity. I thought of my friend last week as I read a column on HuffPost Wedding, a request by life coach Lisa Haisha to reconsider monogamy, which is a promise implied by marriage but breached by many-a-spouse. The divorce rate, Haisha wrote, “coupled with the prevalence of adultery,” is indicative of what she thinks we need: to let marriage evolve, to let each couple decide if infidelity is ok.

The column admirably encourages spousal self disclosure, but it also implies that monogamy in marriage might not be important, as if infidelity’s prevalence is a reason to redefine a covenant. But if we redefine marriage to include people who don’t want to be faithful, we redefine marriage for people who don’t want to be married. Their choices do not negate the truth: monogamy in marriage is important.

This is, as Haisha wrote, the first time in human history in which the death that dissolves a monogamous marriage may not happen for several decades. She also wrote that monogamous marriage itself is new compared to plural marriage, that adultery might be inevitable, that it’s so normal among married women and men that we all ought to be free to change marriage’s boundaries to include it. But norms aren’t normal because they’re good. They’re normal because we keep them that way. The onus is on each of us to consider norms critically, to admit that a new definition of marriage is desired because it’s easier to change marriage into something that allows for infidelity than to become people who can be faithful, not because monogamy isn’t important.

As a result of a longer life expectancy, a couple indeed can be married for 60 years, Haisha wrote, and she followed that up with a question: “Is it realistic to think that two people could be emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually compatible for that long?” In short, and even in my opinion, no. But the absence of constant compatibility in a marriage doesn’t warrant a rejection of monogamy. That’s because constant compatibility in marriage is impossible. People are compatible when they can exist together without conflict, which means compatibility, by definition, is not constant. But that compatibility waxes and wanes is not proof that monogamy is irrelevant. It is proof that monogamy is important. It creates a safe space in which a couple can use the communication Haisha suggests couples use—and not to redefine marriage, but to achieve compatibility again and again.

Couples who are monogamously married for decades and are happy are few and far between, Haisha wrote. But unhappily married couples aren’t unhappy because they are monogamous. They are probably unhappy because they aren’t communicating (or because they probably shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place). Widespread marital misery is not an excuse to permit adultery, but evidence of what a marriage actually needs, of which too many marriages are devoid: love. Real love, selfless love—the kind of love I, a practicing Catholic, learned from Jesus. Maybe monogamy is hard, and maybe it is rare, but it reminds us that relationships don’t thrive if they don’t involve work, that marriage is designed to result in the destruction of self absorption. Adultery says “nothing is more necessary than gratification” and monogamy says “nothing is more necessary than love.” And in a marriage, I can’t imagine anything more important.

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Arleen Spenceley is author of forthcoming book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin, to be released by Ave Maria Press in Fall 2014. She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times. She has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com and tweets @ArleenSpenceley. Click here to like her on Facebook.

Modesty. What is the first image that comes to mind when someone mentions modesty? Do you have pictures of Amish women and nuns running through your head?

If so, I would like to show you a different definition of modesty and why it is so very important for young girls and this generation.

Modesty isn’t solely concerned with, “how much skin do I have to cover.” Modesty is an outside and inside type of lifestyle.

The question shouldn’t be, “how much skin can I show without getting into trouble?”…it should be, “by wearing this, what am I trying to achieve or convey?” or “while I may be completely comfortable wearing this, will it lead other minds to wander and sin?”

While it is not a female’s sole responsibility to make sure men do not think impure thoughts, we certainly have the duty to make sure we do not accidentally lead others to sin by our wardrobe choices. More often than not, we’re not trying to make them lust. We simply don’t take them into consideration. But it’s not enough to avoid bad intentions. We must have pure ones. This can be a challenge when we desire attention.

What girl doesn’t want attention?

Although, by flaunting your body, I am willing to vouch for the fact that you won’t be happy with the kind of attention you receive.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a girl complaining about how the boys at school treat her, act around her, how they don’t respect her and are “just so rude!” What most of these girls don’t understand is that by the way they dress they are lowering the standards for “those boys.”

Believe it or not, many of the good guys that girls really want to attract are more impressed by your attempt at modesty rather than bearing as much skin that is allowed in a public place. If people are so distracted with the amount of skin you are showing, how hard will it be for them to learn to love you as a person?

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that we as girls need to start wearing floor-length dresses and turtle-necks during the summer. Just be sure your cute fashion sense isn’t making others uncomfortable.

Instead, you should be leading others to Christ…not only by word, but through your example. Modesty is not limited to your clothing choices. Modesty applies to you as a whole person. Whether it is the way you carry yourself, the way you speak, or the way you interact with others.

Now for a side fashion note: some clothes are soooooo comfy, but they just aren’t modest. I have plenty of shorts that are super-comfy to wear around the house or out in the yard, but I wouldn’t want to wear them around in public. Why? Because I don’t want to be intentionally or unintentionally leading others to sin and I also never want to be treated as an object…I want to always be treated with dignity.

Oh and dresses. There are so many cute dresses out in the stores, but the majority of them are ridiculously short, clingy or sheer. Now while it might look perfect while standing still, don’t even try to bend down and pick anything off of the floor! Usually the solution to the short dresses is to throw a pair of leggings or long shorts on underneath, but the clingy or see-through ones might be good to avoid. Not only does this let you be more comfortable just moving around throughout the day, but I am sure many guys would thank you for looking out for their purity as well.

Remember: You are not only representing yourself to the world… you are representing Christ.

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Lauren Ramseyer is a sophomore at Franciscan University of Steubenville working towards a major in Mass Communications with a concentration in journalism and a minor in Theology. She will be working as assistant editor of The Troubadour and as a writer for the Public Relations Department at Franciscan in the fall. She loves her Catholic faith, her family and chocolate. Lauren currently runs two blogs, one of which hosts her small business; if you feel so inclined, you can check them out here: randomramblingsofme.wordpress.com & aiming4the2percent.wordpress.com

This past weekend I saw a lot of pictures on social media of graduates. It’s thrilling beginning a new chapter in life, moving on from the old, comfortable ways we live in to new horizons.

I’ve been there on the brink of new beginnings, many times, sweating in a hideous cap and gown, thinking in that moment the world was mine—I, at last, would be off on a new adventure. I would change some things about my life—I would be freer than ever before to do whatever I wanted!

Graduating is exciting. It’s extraordinary. It’s something to celebrate and be happy about. It really is the start of something new and different in our lives. It most frequently marks the beginning of a newfound freedom for us. Freedom to get a job, go to college, move to a new city, change our lives, whatever it is we were seemingly being held back from.

I have some advice for you: take it slow.

Freedom is precious.

Freedom is precious because it is delicate. There is power in freedom, and you have the ability to take it from others, and the power to give your own away. It’s very easy to get carried away with it.

Both times I graduated (high school and college) I met a lot of people, and many came from backgrounds that had majorly different viewpoints on morality, and especially chastity, than what I had grown up with. A lot of the people I met lived by the principles of our culture, those principles being “say yes to everything and you will be free to truly live.”

We are encouraged by our world to go out and experiment with our lifestyle and sexuality. “Find ourselves.” And we certainly do find ourselves when we are out on our own, because we have a lot more freedom. I learned a lot about myself each time I’ve ventured out on a new beginning, but the biggest lesson I learned was that I am weak.

I am weak. I gave into peer pressure a lot, and I said “yes” to nearly everything. I went to parties. I went to the bar. I participated in underage drinking (and legal age drinking), and I happily joined in on all the “fun” of kissing people I didn’t really know. I let them take my freedom from me, because I didn’t realize that freedom doesn’t always mean saying yes. I also have the freedom to say no.

No one told me all the partying and boys were bad for me. In fact, I was commended for my actions. It was encouraged. I thought this was IT—what everyone in the world strived for.

But I was empty. I thought these things filling my life with “fun” were what living was all about. I took my freedom too far. I abused it. I thought if I exercised it to the max—which for me, was partying every weekend and hanging out with boys I should have been avoiding—I was truly living. Because this is what I was told was living.

The more often I fell into this way of life, the more I felt trapped. I couldn’t get out. I often thought things like: “Well, I’ve already done this before, who cares if I do it again.” “I’m not doing as many bad things as that person, so this must really be ok.”

This only led to me messing up more and more.

All the partying ultimately led to a lot of bad decisions. Giving in to the pressures of my friends, and even more so my own passions, led me to destruction.

If I had known then what I know now, things might have been different. If I had understood who I was, my dignity, my value, and that I had the freedom to choose not to partake, and still be living, things might have been different.

This weekend as I watched photo after photo of smiling faces pop up on my feed I thought about how each person was going to go somewhere new, was going to try new things, and was going to have new freedoms. Maybe this time no one will be there to hold them accountable to their actions or their mistakes. Maybe this time they will have friends who don’t encourage them to properly exercise their freedom by saying no. Maybe they will have friends who encourage going out and have what our culture considers a good time, but that good time could lead to a bad time.

Or maybe they’ll get really lucky and find the perfect community of friends, never make a mistake, and never have a hard time.

But that’s unlikely.

You might be going out to the world to new beginnings, and if so, you are blessed. You are going to do amazing things and have amazing experiences. But you are going to have people in your life who don’t care about what is best for you, because their understanding of freedom has been warped by our culture. You will meet people who will encourage you to have that extra drink, to kiss that boy you don’t really like, and to allow yourself to do whatever feels good in the moment.

Know this: if you fall, you can get back up. You can start again. You don’t have to be enslaved like I was.

But take it slow. Take your freedom seriously. Think about who you are, your worth, and what you’re made for. Keep your eyes on living a whole life that isn’t enslaved to passions. Keep your heart set on what is truly good. And when you do stumble, get back up and try again. Don’t give up.

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Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works as a speaker, blogger, administrative assistant, and nanny. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting ackergirl.blogspot.com.

Several years ago, the priest who concelebrated my wedding (Fr. Louis Solcia) suggested that I do something that I hadn’t done since the day I became a bride: wear a veil in church.

I had always considered the veil to be an outdated tradition, reserved for pious elderly women. To be frank, my first thought was, “No way. What will people think? I’ll be the only person under the age of 80 with one!”

I began asking God why he would ask this of me, and wrestled in prayer with him over the idea. Slowly, I put aside my human respect and asked myself, “Why do we all yearn to wear a veil for our First Holy Communion, and dream of wearing one on the day of our wedding, but cringe at the idea of wearing it at any other time?” In both instances, we’re veiled as we approach our earthly or heavenly groom.

I thought, “When it comes to my attire, what’s the difference between how I dress for Saturday’s dinner and Sunday’s Mass?” When I present myself at God’s altar, shouldn’t there be a difference? After all, you might be able to wear your “Sunday Best” for any formal gathering, but you wouldn’t do the same with a veil.

So, despite the insecurities that screamed at me, I put one on and walked into church. Surprisingly, I felt a sense of immediate peace. Soon, what I wore on my head caused me to reevaluate the appropriateness of the rest of my wardrobe. After all, how can a woman veil her head without sufficiently veiling the rest of herself? I found myself becoming more mindful and deliberate in my actions and prayers. It reminded me that I was in a holy place, and in a Holy Presence.

The veil renewed my sensitivity to the sacred. Although I already knew that every church is the dwelling place of God, I felt a deeper realization that he wanted to converse with me. I wanted to be more of a woman of God.

These immediate inner promptings drove me to begin researching the veil. Although I’m still learning its theological significance, I was allured by the fact that St. Paul said women should veil themselves “because of the angels.” I was surprised to learn that the three corners of the veil represent the woman being under the protection of the Holy Trinity.

I was especially intrigued when I read how feminists in the 1960’s exhorted women to “remove your badges of slavery to men and get rid of your veil!” The veil doesn’t represent my slavery toward men, but, as Alice Von Hildebrand remarked, “the female body should be veiled because everything which is sacred calls for veiling.  . . . Veiling indicates sacredness and it is a special privilege of the woman that she enters church veiled.”

At times, it’s hard because I feel as if I’m the only one in church wearing one. At these moments, I sometimes ask, “Why am I doing this?” But, I’m not the only one. Hillary Clinton wore one when she met Pope John Paul II, as did Michelle Obama during her meeting with Benedict XVI. Despite their less-than-Catholic public policies, they veiled themselves. If they veil themselves when they stand in the presence of humans in order to show reverence, how can I not do the same in the presence of God?

In wearing a veil, I’m not under the impression that it makes me more holy or pleasing to God than those who don’t. After all, God looks at our hearts above all else. All I know is that if you’re thinking about wearing one, don’t be afraid. You’re not the only one, and sometimes other women simply need to see your courage and they’ll follow. God did not give us a spirit of fear, but offers us his courage to rise up and be a light to others.

Although there’s much more that could be said, I’ll leave you with these three quotes from other women who have experienced blessings from wearing a veil:

“I think wearing the veil is a beautiful outward symbol of the recognition of femininity and its distinction from masculinity. Wearing it helps me grow in virtue in modesty, in humility, and authentic femininity.”

“People may have stared, I may be exposed to judgment, and no, I am not perfect. None of these reasons were enough to keep me from showing my love and respect for God!”

“I wear a veil because while I am in the presence of God, I wish to be hidden from everyone but Him. It reminds me that I am there for Him.”

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Crystalina Evert has spoken to hundreds of thousands of people on four continents about the virtue of chastity and is the author of Pure Womanhood and How to Find Your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul. She runs the website womenmadenew.com and lives in Denver with her husband, Jason, and their children. (She loves the veils from www.veilsbylily.com)

Chastity in marriage? Wait. What?

Let’s back up and clear up some misconceptions about chastity…

The word “chastity” isn’t synonymous with the word “abstinence”:

Within this context, abstinence is defined as refraining from sexual intercourse. Abstinence is an aspect of pre-marital chastity but isn’t the endgame. Chastity runs much deeper by giving us a deep reverence and respect for both our eternal souls and the heart of God. Loving someone never means sinning with them. Whether you are single, married or ordained you too are called to honor God through your body.

Therefore, the word “chastity” isn’t synonymous with the word “no”:

When I told my husband I would marry him, my “yes” to him was an implied “no” to every other man on the planet. This was a reality, but wasn’t at the forefront of my decision to spend my life with him. Similarly, chastity, at its very core, isn’t a “no”, but a “yes”.  Chastity is a virtue; in other words it is a good habit that unites us with the Lord. Virtues propel us to what we truly want- God’s plan and Will in our lives! Clearly this means that chastity is a resounding and passionate YES! This “yes” has different applications and meanings at every stage of our life and is essential in every vocation.

Because of this, we can’t escape the c-word, and we would never want to! Chastity is the key to a successful marriage because it allows us to keep the Lord primary and our physical desires secondary. Married persons are still called to respect one another’s bodies and souls—which means never using your spouse for purely selfish fulfillment.

So how does chastity before marriage foster chaste marriages?

1. Fidelity insurance:

When you have sex with someone outside of marriage, you learn that they are willing to have sex with someone they aren’t married to. Chastity in dating conditions us to avoid tempting situations not just in the moment but in the future as well. This is one reason why a man who is married as a virgin, has a divorce rate that is 63 percent lower than a non-virgin. For women, it’s 76 percent lower.[1]

2. It makes it easier to practice Natural Family Planning (NFP):

Natural Family Planning is an amazing practice that helps couples use women’s God-given cycle to determine windows of fertility. If, through prayer and discussion, a couple determines they should avoid pregnancy, NFP helps them to know when to abstain from intercourse.  Chastity before marriage conditions a couple to work with God after marriage in order to make decisions about when to engage in or abstain from sexual relations.

3. Virtue breeds virtue:

A person who practices chastity learns temperance and moderation. It seems obvious that this would produce self-control in communication, finances, parenting and life decisions in marriage. Chastity has a positive ripple effect and when started early on, the ripple will be even wider!

4. Chastity helps us carry Christ from our dating relationship to our marriage:

The Catechism of the Catholic Church makes it clear that all who are baptized are called to chastity at every stage of life. It goes on to say that the Christian has “put on Christ” who is our perfect model for chastity. A marriage takes three people: a man, a woman and the Lord. Having a Christ-centered dating relationship is great, but having a Christ centered marriage is sacramental. When Jesus is present prior to marriage He is able to bring about His full plan for his presence from the first day of matrimony on into Happily Ever After.

Let’s remember that just because a relationship is chaste, this doesn’t make it bullet-proof. All relationships are subject to temptation, which is why practicing chastity early on helps us build strength.  Imagine your soul as a spiritual weight-lifter. The more you condition your spiritual muscles to grow, the more you will be equipped to handle heavier burdens in the future. When we say yes to God through chastity, in every stage of life, we find that He is never outdone in generosity.

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Katie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org). This work coaches young women as they strive for purity through praying for and journaling to their future spouse. She has been blessed to watch hearts come alive with the realization that our faithful God hungers to exceed our deepest desires.

Once upon a time I was “just friends” with a boy. But when we were together we would hold hands and were rather affectionate—as if we were dating. This is where it might have been handy if someone had brought my attention to the age-old-adage: “Actions speak louder than words.”

We’ve all heard it a million times. And if you’re like me, you might roll your eyes at the person saying it and murmur “yeah, yeah, yeah.” Yet, somehow, every time I hear it, it makes me stop and think about what I’m doing.

Because the truth is, actions do speak louder than words. Actions require our physical presence, and therefore involve our entire person when performed.

If I had thought about this while I was hanging out with my “friend,” hopefully I’d have realized I was saying something with my actions. I don’t flirt, hold hands, or cuddle with people I don’t want to date. That would be giving the wrong impression. But my entire person, present to this “friend,” was performing an action that expressed to him: “I want to be more than friends,” but what was conveyed in words was: “I want to be just friends.”

Which one did I actually mean?

I learned a lesson. I should have been more careful about what I said with my body. My actions spoke truth: I wanted to give and receive affection from another person. But gave the wrong impression to the wrong person, because I didn’t think it was a big deal. In the end, we both got hurt.

Our bodies speak a language that can be understood by other people. It can say some important things, and when it says these things, it can bring joy or pain. If this can happen simply by giving someone the wrong impression by holding hands, why should this be any different with any other action we perform?

Unfortunately, our culture doesn’t apply “actions speak louder than words” to one of the biggest, and most important actions we can perform.

Sex.

Our culture says having sex is good. This is true; sex is good. But the problem is that our culture doesn’t actually understand what the body is saying when it enters into sexual intimacy with another person. Our culture doesn’t properly speak the language of sex.

Just as holding hands is an action that speaks something to someone, so does giving our body to another person in sexual intercourse say something.

Sex is a gift of persons. Not body parts. Persons. Remember, actions involve the entire person. Sexual intercourse is an action that expresses something with your entire person.

So what exactly, does sex express?

Sex expresses two things. Our bodies in sex say “I love you, and I want to give my whole self to you. In loving you and giving myself to you I am also open to creating new life with you.”

That’s a big statement.

We are often told to remove the part about creating life from sex, but the fact is, that is what sex can do. That’s part of the power of sex. Your body is expressing its ability to create new life in addition to giving itself to another person.

Do you want to say that to just anyone? Is it truly possible to have sex with someone and hide what your body is saying from that other person?

Wouldn’t you want your body to say what it means, and mean what it says?

Waiting to have sex is difficult. I won’t tell you it’s not. But knowing and understanding what our bodies are saying when we enter into sexual intimacy with another person helps us understand the deeper meaning of why it is such a big deal, and why we should wait for our spouse.

My hope is that in understanding why it is important to wait, you will be empowered to do so. Your actions have a deep and powerful meaning; they speak a language of their own.

I’m praying for you.

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Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works as a speaker, blogger, administrative assistant, and nanny. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting ackergirl.blogspot.com.

Nine years ago, I found myself in Rome, waiting in line with millions of people, hoping to get a glimpse of the late Pope John Paul II. John Paul was a hero of mine and I happened to be traveling through Europe when he passed away. I immediately changed my plans and traveled to be part of the celebration and mourning of this great saint. The scene in Rome was surreal. The line into St. Peter’s stretched all the way out of Vatican City, across the Tiber River and around the neighborhoods of Rome. People were singing, chanting for John Paul II and there were homemade signs and flowers all over the Vatican that said Santo subito! [Saint now!].

After several hours of waiting, I arrived inside St. Peter’s, where I had a few moments to pay my respects to the late John Paul II. I’ll never forget the moment, because I broke down sobbing. John Paul II had an enormous impact on my life, which is remarkable considering this was the only time I had ever come in contact with him.

“Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of love.” – John Paul II

Everyone loved John Paul II. His impact on the world was immeasurable. He was instrumental in fall of communism in Eastern Europe. He revolutionized the Church in the post-Vatican II era. He traveled more than any pope in human history, bringing the joy of the Gospel to millions. John Paul had endeared himself to the youth; he was the founder of World Youth Day.

For me, his greatest work was his teachings on human sexuality. No pope in the history of the Church has written or spoken more about love and sexuality than John Paul II. As a young priest, John Paul spent time with married couples, learning from their example and their witness within their vocation. As a Cardinal, he wrote Love and Responsibility, a masterpiece on the defense of Catholic teaching in the realm of the family and sexual ethic. He wrote a play called The Jeweler’s Shop, where the protagonists and story revolved around the relationship and challenges of a marriage. These early works by John Paul demonstrated his great love and devotion to marriage and the family, as well as giving a pastoral understanding and inspiration to all people in the area of sexuality.

“Love consists of a commitment which limits one’s freedom – it is a giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one’s freedom on behalf of another.” – Karol Wojtyla (John Paul II)

It was no surprise then, that in his first five years as Pope, John Paul II gave a weekly address to Christians in his Wednesday audiences on the topics of love, sexuality, marriage and the family. This five year labor of love became known as The Theology of the Body—perhaps one of the greatest works ever in Christianity. In an era when all of Western Civilization had become entrenched in the Sexual Revolution and the common perception of Christian sexual ethics was that Christian teaching was puritan and out of touch, John Paul II stood before the world and pastorally offered a different understanding of our sexuality. He taught us about God’s plan for us as male and female and helped us understand the unique expression of love that occurs when “the two become one flesh.” He taught us that sex is an expression of love that communicates the vows of Holy Matrimony and images the love of Christ for His Church. John Paul taught us how to love and encouraged us in chaste living so that we might discover both God’s beautiful plan for love and sex and God’s amazing plan for our lives. John Paul’s courageous example, witness and teachings have inspired millions in a renewal of chastity, marital fidelity and the renewal of the family across the world.

I’ll never forget the first time I heard the teachings of John Paul II in his Theology of the Body. I was a freshmen in college and I was dating the love of my life. I had just committed to abstinence in my life but something was missing in my relationship with my girlfriend and my practice of chastity. I was simply saying “no” to sex, but I did not understand how to truly love my girlfriend in a way that was proper for our relationship. It wasn’t until we both attended a seminar on the Theology of the Body that chastity made sense to me. The Theology of the Body opened my eyes to understand how to love my girlfriend and what my mission was as we journeyed toward marriage. I have a deep gratitude for John Paul II—for how he inspired me and for how he taught me how to love.

St. John Paul II, pray for us.

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Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He currently works for YDisciple and holds degrees in theology from the Augustine Institute and Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three amazing children. Follow Everett on Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter – @Efritzfritz1

I used to scoff at a friend of mine whenever we talked about kissing girls.  Hearing him say, “kissing starts the snowball” was laughable to me, and I usually told him so. It sounded ridiculous. That “snowball”, though, escalates into an avalanche faster than you’d think.

It might sound naive to place such importance on a first kiss, but it’s for good reason. That first kiss is like wading into the ocean that is the physical side of a relationship. Looking back at the majority of my relationships, I believe what eventually ended them was swimming out into that ocean too fast, and too far.

There’s an emphasis on “doing what feels good” in our culture, and that extends to what a couple does when they’re alone. During a passionate moment, no one will be there to tell you what’s right and wrong, other than your own conscience. That’s why you have to know beforehand what is off limits, and that takes maturity and a deep respect for your significant other.

I realize now I didn’t really respect the women I dated, nor did I truly realize what I was doing in the first place when it came to physicality. What often begins as innocent expressions of affection can often initiate a string of further actions that go further than the last.

There were so many times I could have stopped or held back, but I was curious, and I wanted it.  And yeah it is as simple as that. There were times when I felt we weren’t doing anything wrong… until I had gone way too far.  Despite it happening once, I ended up there again, too. No surprise when that relationship ended a week later. I was too blind, immature, and far too ignorant to fully know what I was doing. I didn’t realize that I was slowly drowning in “what felt good.”

I want to implore you men out there to be watchful of the purity of your affections. Let’s be honest, it’s guys who tend to be the ones who like to push the boundaries. Yet, women can do this too. Ladies, you have to remind men where the line is, and remember that respect goes both ways. I know you feel pressured to give in to the usual social pressures, and saying “no” is difficult. However, keep in mind that “no” comes out of Love, which is the reason as to why you would go to such lengths to protect not only yourself, but him. Protecting the intimacy that’s reserved for the mature fidelity of marriage takes courage. All it really takes to start the snowball is one slip up, and it only becomes harder the longer it keeps going.

Swimming out can be a lot easier than swimming back. I have tried a few times, once I realized what I had done, but I just ended up treading water. I still drowned in the end. Now, every time I’m with a girl, I am not only physically aware of her and myself, but respectful of her and who she is. Keeping your head above water is not easy. Relationships are complicated, and the physical side of relationships only seems to make them more so.  Stay close to shore.

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Alexander Pyles is a graduate philosophy student at Franciscan University of Steubenville, having already completed his Bachelors in Philosophy and Writing.  He is hoping to break into the world of novel writing and/or screenwriting, with hopes of bringing literature and beauty to the foreground of culture.  Originally from Virginia Beach, VA, he misses the sun, sand and ocean. You can keep up with his (many) thoughts on his personal blog, Writing is Speaking (http://aspauthor.wordpress.com/)

If you’ve ever lost your way on the purity front, you’ll no doubt be familiar with that feeling of sitting in the chastity talk at school just wishing the ground would swallow you up. I’ve been there, I know how you feel.

For a start, hearing how important it is to protect your virginity can bring back the shame of knowing you can’t get yours back. You start to get angry at yourself for making wrong decisions, followed by angry at the speaker for rubbing it in. It’s too hard to hear their optimism about the real beauty of chastity knowing that you haven’t been living that way.

It feels like chastity can’t possibly apply to you—you already messed that one up, it’s too late for you, right? Wrong! Chastity is NOT the same thing as virginity! Virginity is a simple, yes/no matter of biology. Chastity is a LIFESTYLE—one which looks to the future rather than the past, and can be chosen at any point, regardless of what’s happened before

“When you decide firmly to lead a clean life, chastity will not be a burden on you: it will be a crown of triumph.” St Josemaria Escriva

So, here are 5 reasons that choosing chastity DOESN’T depend on whether you’re a virgin…

1.    The Lost Sheep. Even when you’ve stopped making your boyfriend or girlfriend pursue you emotionally by making the relationship too physical, Jesus is still pursuing you – whether you know it or not. He will NEVER give up on you.

 2.    The Prodigal Son. It’s so easy to be intimidated by people who have been ‘successful’ in retaining their virginity, or to feel inferior to them. But your Father doesn’t love you any less than them. He is just waiting to welcome you back to Him with open arms!

3.    The Cross. Jesus sacrificed his life to take away your sins. Not just for humanity, but for YOU personally. 2000 years before you even existed He made your pain His pain, and He wants to do the same today. Our God isn’t a tyrant, He’s a God of mercy, forgiveness and abundant grace.

4.    The Fall of Adam and Eve. When Adam and Eve chose the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge over their relationship with God, they allowed sin to enter into human nature. For that reason, we’ve all sinned. I’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t break God’s heart a little every time one of His children slips up, but He knows it happens, which leads us into…

5.    The Sacrament of Reconciliation. The beautiful thing about Confession is that, by the grace of God, your sins are completely absolved. When you’re truly repentant about your sin, God makes it like it never happened. He can take away your past mistakes, your guilt and your shame—meaning it’s NEVER too late to repent and start afresh. The choice to leave behind your unchaste past and live chastely in the future can be made at any time.

When you eventually meet your future spouse, sure you’ll have to have the conversation where you explain your history, but that can either be along the lines of “After I gave in once I didn’t see any way back, so I kept giving in”, or it can go a little more like this: “I made a mistake in not waiting for you, I know that now, but I’m not that person anymore. From X point on I decided that you were worth more than my old way of life.”

As Jason Evert said: “Don’t be afraid that a good guy wouldn’t love you because of your past. If he defines you by your past, he isn’t that good a guy.”

Have you made a decision you regret? Take it to the cross, leave it there, and start again today. Reconciliation really can lift that weight you’ve been carrying around.

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 Esther Rich is in her final year studying Psychology at Oxford University, UK. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

My small hand reached across the dollar-store’s shelf. I don’t know if it was the roses or swirly script that caught my eye first. But there it was, a notebook covered in fancy, antique designs. My nine year old heart craved this book. After all, a romantic-looking notebook would be necessary for journaling about crushes, wedding dress designs, and ultimately, my True Love.

Little did I know that this notebook would change my life.

With exactly a dollar and eight cents, I acquired my prize. Soon after, the novelty of owning such a “romantic” notebook wore off. And frankly, I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t have a “love life” to write about. So, the notebook lay unused under my bed.

About four or five years later, I was listening to a college student talk about “saving herself” for her future husband. She mentioned writing love letters to her future husband. She said it was a great way to pray for him, and that it helped her to save her virginity and physical affections for marriage.

I pulled my “romantic” journal out from under my bed. Perfect, I thought. And I began to write letters to my future husband. They weren’t profound or long; sometimes only an “I was thinking about you today,” or, “Just want to say that I love you.”

My life changed. Instead of thinking of my husband as a futuristic dream, I began to see him as a real person. A living, breathing man whom I would marry. If I would be tempted by impure thoughts, I would whip out the journal. I would jot a quick note to him, apologizing for my failures, or telling of my triumphs. On August 10, 2013, I handed this notebook to my new husband. He handed me a pack of letters in return. We both were overwhelmed with the love captured in those letters written days, months, and years before our marriage.

It was super easy, as a young teen, to be swept away in fairy-tale fantasies and crushes. Society, movies, and music equate love with sex, and make a lifetime of breakups and broken hearts seem “normal.” But writing love letters to my husband grounded me in reality. Each moment that I scribbled a note, my future husband was out there–a real man, who I would marry and raise a family with.

You Can Write Love Letters to Your Future Spouse, Too!

• Give yourself a second chance—We all make mistakes and mess up. Even if you’ve given yourself in impure ways, it’s never too late to start writing to your husband. Writing to him can motivate you to embrace purity in a whole new way!

• Get creative—You don’t even need a notebook. You can stick all of your letters in a folder. Or you can put little love notes in a jar. Whatever works best for you, figure it out and go with it!

• Don’t get discouraged—Sometimes, I would be tempted to stop writing letters all together, since I wouldn’t write for weeks or months at a time. It’s pathetic, I would think. I have so few. Don’t let that stop you! Your future spouse will love you and appreciate any number of letters that you write to him/her. Just keep writing!

• Write about anything—Tell him/her about your dreams, hopes, what you’re excited for in marriage, what prayers you’ve been praying for him/her (for example, “I said a prayer for you while washing dishes today”).

• It doesn’t end with marriage—Once you’re married, you can keep secretly writing love letters to your spouse. Whether you hide them around the house or give them directly to your spouse, he/she will love them. One morning, my husband left for an out-of-state trip extremely early. When I woke up later, I found that he had taped love notes all over our apartment! Small gestures like that are wonderful ways to show your love.

Above all, it’s good to ask yourself: “How can I best love my future spouse?”

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Anne Marie Miller studies Theology and English at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She has a passion for the Catholic Faith, chastity, and St. Francis of Assisi, and frolicking around barefoot. In August 2013, she was blessed to marry her incredible husband, and the two of them enjoy the epic adventures of married college life. When she’s not doing homework, housework, cooking, or playing chess, AnneMarie reflects on her random observations on her blog, Sacrifice of Love. (http://marianninja.blogspot.com)

You know the drill. You’re casually scrolling (mindlessly) through Facebook and then your eyes widen as you think – THEY’RE DATING!? I didn’t even know they were “talking!” You stop for a second and wonder. To “like” or not to “like”? It’s official. Facebook official.

Relationships are tough. No doubt about it! Two people attempting to navigate each others’ thoughts, feelings, intentions, and desires is just plain difficult for the average 21st century American. However, once it becomes “Facebook official,” the relationship has gotten off the “just talking” ground and has officially taken Facebook flight. It’s an exciting time! It usually appears in the spring air, where the cares, worries, and distractions of life seem to seize. This is a time when your significant other is PERFECT. Maybe your daydreams have led you to even think of the “M” word…(Marriage). Around this time, most couples have begun to express themselves physically: a handhold, a warm embrace, a kiss…or seven, and if you’re not careful – a whole lot more!

A Tough Conversation

I definitely understand the enjoyment of the new found physical affection. It’s a thrilling part of the whole relationship experience. However, there is a need to express how the physical aspect of your relationship should look. There are plenty of resources on ChastityProject.com about what is good, holy, and right, so browse through the website if you have questions. My intention is to simply urge you to take a breathe out of your “facebook official stage”, sit down, and chat about HOW you are going to purely express yourselves in your new relationship.

Week One

In my opinion, you should have this conversation about chastity within the first week of dating, if you haven’t already had it as friends. After all, why date someone if you don’t even know where they stand on the issue of chastity? What!? You read me right. It may not be the most natural conversation to have with your new found more-than-friend, but an honest conversation about how to be chaste is the sure fire way to put your relationship on the fast track towards healthy. It gives each of you an opportunity to learn about each other, respect one another, and get things off on the right foot. If you’re a guy, this is your role! Take the lead. Girls, look for a guy who would actually have this conversation. If you haven’t had this conversation and you’re dating, initiate it. If you can’t have it with them, you shouldn’t date/be dating them.

Here’s why I say the first week: You’re excited. They’re excited. They’re cute. You’re cuter. You are officially head over heels in LIKE with each other and most likely the significant change in your non-dating to dating status is the physical expression you now have with one another. The possibility of you going further than you want to go because of an emotional energy boost is almost nine times out of ten if you don’t set your boundaries within the first week (and…maybe even sooner!).

What should I say?

To start: this conversation is going to be awkward. Own the awkwardness and do it anyway. Express why you want to be pure and chaste, and speak from the heart. Express why you want them to be pure and chaste, and again, speak from the heart. Then talk about how to express yourselves appropriately at this point in your relationship. Again, if you have questions about what you should and shouldn’t be doing – browse ChastityProject.com for more information. Talking about chastity will let the other person know your “why chastity”, and then it gives you a chance to discuss, as a couple, the “how chastity”. This may be awkward, but it will begin your relationship with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Enjoy the “facebook official” stage, but lay a firm foundation of chastity that will lead you both into a healthy relationship – regardless of where the future leads. If they’re worth dating…they’re worth this conversation.

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Ever since his re-version to Catholicism through a high school youth ministry program, Pete has used his five loaves & two fish for the sake of building the Kingdom. Through storytelling, retreats, and writing he has proclaimed Christ’s freedom to thousands. He’s the Campus Minister at Saint Thomas More High School in Milwaukee and the Director of Evangelization for Arise Missions (arisemissions.org). Pete is a wanna-be philosopher, has a mild obsession with the band Switchfoot, and because of Christ, finds himself living a life greater than his dreams.

Being chaste in today’s world is tough. We are surrounded by a media that says it’s uncool to be a virgin, it’s weird to dress modestly, and it’s outdated to abstain from anything pleasurable.

In high school, I had friends who allowed themselves to be objectified and tossed around. Once they were defeated, bruised and heartbroken, they would approach me asking, “Hannah? How have you managed to avoid this pain and heartbreak?”

Prior to high school when I received my first purity ring, I decided that I wouldn’t watch pornography, I would never get drunk or do drugs, I would dress modestly, and I would wait until I was married to have sex. With a lot of prayer and with the help of my faith, I have kept that promise.

Although I held steadfast, it killed me watching my friends sleep around, coming home wasted from over-the-top parties, and seeing them jump from bad relationship to bad relationship. My friends would frequently face brokenness and heartache as a result of their decisions. My heart ached for them and I wanted to help… but how?

Over the years, I’ve learned that helping a friend who is struggles with chastity comes down to three things:

1. Listen

Encourage your friends to talk about their struggles. Sometimes, hearing it out loud from their own lips is enough to get someone to recognize that what they are doing is damaging them. You don’t always have to say anything. Just listen to them and offer a shoulder to cry on.

It’s important not to judge them, just be the foundation they are lacking elsewhere. There may a void in their lives, they may feel insecure, or that they lack love and are seeking it. Every situation is different. Hearing them and helping them find the core of why they feel these insecurities can be the start of healing for them.

Often times, it’s comforting to be heard.

2. Pray

This is a topic that is brushed off so easily because it seems too easy. Prayer is a word that is tossed around so much that people forget the power behind it and it isn’t taken seriously. But it’s so crucial for you as a friend to pray for those who are struggling.

They are in need of healing that only God can provide, not you as a human.  Prayer doesn’t have to be long and poetic. It can be as simple as “Heavenly Father, send your most Holy Spirit to give wisdom and healing to (insert name here) as they struggle to live a chaste life.”

Your friend is a child of God, whom He loves and died for. Ask God to forgive and them and guide them as they seek the respect that every child of God should have.

It’s not your responsibility to “fix” or “heal” them. It’s a task that is between them and the Lord. Be their spiritual cheerleader and ask the Lord for help in the things that you cannot do, because with God all things are possible.

3. Witness

If I was hooking up with guys on a regular bases, but telling my friend that she and her boyfriend should stop sleeping together because it’s hurting her, how likely is she to listen to me? What does it mean to be a witness? It means to live in a way that you are encouraging others to emulate.

If you are joyfully living the pure, chaste life, your friends will recognize the pain that you avoid and the joy and happiness that you have because you have love and respect for yourself. They are going to want what you have in comparing their pain and brokenness to your joy and happiness, and they are going to want it.

It isn’t easy watching friends suffer. It’s so easy to give up and say there is nothing left to do, but don’t lose hope that they can turn their lives around. Everyone can be healed.

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Hannah Crites is a freshman at Franciscan University of Steubenville majoring in Theology and Mass Communications with a focus in Journalism. She hails from Denver, Colorado and enjoys eating Twizzlers, long walks on the beach, talking in a horrible British accent, and the word “discombobulate”. Check out more of what she has written at http://youngcatholiccentral.wordpress.com/

“I must not be attractive enough.”

“I’m too fat.”

“If only I were funnier…”

Oh, the thoughts that plague the single person’s mind.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy wallowing in singlehood. I’ve exhausted myself trying to figure out why on earth boys wouldn’t ask me out. How could I have so many boy friends, but none of them wanted to be my boyfriend?

I felt like I had heard it all. “They’re just scared.” “You’re a strong woman, men are intimidated by you.” “He’s probably just shy!” And the classic Christian message: “Jesus is your boyfriend!”

Ok. No thanks.

At least that’s what I thought…

Then one fateful day I came to the horribly wonderful realization that I had been wasting a lot of time. I came to the recognition that my life was in progress at that very moment, and I was spending it crying about a boy I wasn’t even sure existed.

What kind of life was that? Not one I wanted to live, I can tell you that much.

That very day I decided to take the advice of Tim McGraw, as cliché and cheesy as it sounded, and to live like I was dying. To live each day so that at the end of the day I could look back and say “I would change nothing about this day.”

What I found was that being single and having spare time was a gift. This was the time when I could learn about who I was and how I wanted to live my life. It was great—for a while. But I very quickly discovered that who I was and what I wanted were things I couldn’t actually discover on my own. I, myself, didn’t have all the answers.

I soon found that while I thought I knew what I wanted, I really didn’t know at all. I’d date guys who seemed to have everything I liked on paper, but then we’d break-up. I thought it was them. Then I realized… it was me.

I had arrived at a very frustrating point in my life. I had no idea what I wanted. And I had no idea how to figure it out.

So I turned to the only person I’d ever been told knew more about me than I knew about myself: Jesus.

And oh man, I did not want to go to him. I was so fearful of what I thought he was going to tell me: “He’s going to tell me I’m single because I have to be a nun!”

But I had nowhere else to go. So I begrudgingly began talking to the Lord. I asked him questions about myself, about my life, about the things that had happened. I complained to him. I told him my fears, my worries, my frustrations. I told him I was mad at him for leaving me single, and I asked him why. And then… I listened.

Over time, what I found was that the Lord had given me this time to be single for a very particular reason: he had given it to me so that I could get to know him.

He had given me this time to be single so that I could learn about who he is, and who I truly am in his eyes. He showed me that I am pretty enough, that I am perfect as I am, that he designed me with certain desires in my heart that only he could fulfill, and that he loves me.

It was truly amazing. But it took a long time. Like, a super long time—it took years. In fact, I am still learning who Christ is, what it is he is asking of me, and what types of things I want and need in my life.

So why are you still single?

I can’t tell you.

But Christ can.

He has plans for you. Big ones. This time of being single is a time when he wants to prepare and help you discover those plans. It’s a time he wants you to spend getting to know him. My very best advice is to take it. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

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Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works as a speaker, blogger, administrative assistant, and nanny. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting ackergirl.blogspot.com.

I curled into a corner of the couch, pointed the remote toward the TV, and channel surfed to TV Land, where the woman in the sitcom on screen made a “shocking” discovery:

Her son had never had sex.

“Twenty-six years old and still a virgin,” she said. “The Elephant Man lost it before that.”

The actor’s line was a crass crack at comedy—a reference to a guy with severe deformities who lived in London in the 1800s. It was a promotion of the inaccurate notions that everybody’s doing it; that people who are virgins are virgins because there is something wrong with us (I’m 28 and I haven’t had sex, either.); and that virgins aren’t as good as people who have had sex. But I put the remote down, eager to see more of how cable TV treats people who are sexually inexperienced.

During the rest of the episode, the young adult’s mother referred to his virginity as “a problem.” After he finally slept with somebody, his mother declared what she long had hoped she could: “My little boy’s a man!”

The character’s voice is one of countless in our culture that says there is something bad about not having sex, something wrong with you for deciding not to. To all who have ever received that message, I offer this:

Ignore it.

Ignore it, because not everyone is doing it. People who are saving sex – or who are saving sex from now on – may be few and far between, but none are alone. Friends of mine and I are proof.

Ignore it, because somebody’s virginity isn’t a problem. Somebody else’s fear of it is. Our culture does not discourage virginity because virginity is bad. It discourages virginity because virginity is different. Because virginity is hard. Because we live in a culture that mistakenly values fitting in more than it values chastity, which requires abstinence from sex outside a marriage, and leads us toward authentic love.

Ignore it, because sexual experience is not what makes a boy a man, or a girl a woman. Sex isn’t a rite of passage; it’s the image and renewal of a bond built by matrimony, designed to unite spouses and create new life. “Our culture glorifies sexual prowess—many people simply assume that sexual experience and personal maturity go together, and that anyone who is virginal or otherwise inexperienced is for that reason a mere child,” wrote Margaret and Dwight Peterson in their book Are You Waiting for The One? “… In reality,” the authors continued, “experience and maturity are not the same thing.”

Ignore it, because we have been instructed not to conform to this world (Romans 12:2), and because what other people think of us is irrelevant to our value. The culture that surrounds us doesn’t get to decide how good we are; God does—and he showed us how good we are by creating us in his image.

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Arleen Spenceley is author of forthcoming book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin, to be released by Ave Maria Press in Fall 2014. She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times. She has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com and tweets @ArleenSpenceley. Click here to like her on Facebook.

I grew up attending Catholic high schools – which meant that I frequently heard chastity presentations as a member of the student body. I’d like to say that I was receptive to the message, but actually I was just the opposite. I recall walking out of a session when I was 16 and I was angry. I didn’t want to be told how to live my life – I was perfectly “happy” in my own private “impurities.”

Resentment of chastity has become a common thread in our society. Some argue that chastity is harmful to the psychological well-being of men and women. Sexual desire is natural, it is said. Therefore, it is unnatural to restrict it in any way. If two people love each other, shouldn’t they be able to express that love with their sexuality – isn’t chastity the enemy to love?

Let’s examine the message of chastity a little closer. Is chastity the enemy to love? I think about it, the message of chastity has five key principles:

Chastity believes that sex communicates love. Sex is about the relationship between a man and a woman. Sex, when properly expressed, is extremely emotional, unifying, and life-giving within a relationship.

Chastity believes that sex is a great responsibility and only within marriage can it be properly expressed. Your body makes a promise, even if you don’t. Sex is unitive and procreative—meaning that it unites a couple together and it has the ability to create life. Both are great responsibilities and a couple should never be separated once they have entered into this responsibility together. In marriage, a couple can share their bodies with one another because they have made a lifelong commitment to share their entire lives with one another.

Chastity believes in the good of the other over personal gratification. To take sex out of the context of a lifelong commitment is to try to separate the meaning and union of sex from the gratification that it brings. When a person seeks gratification apart from responsibility or lifelong commitment, they are ultimately seeking only what is pleasurable/good for them – which is selfish and not loving.

Chastity believes in trusting God’s plan. God is the author of sex and therefore he has a plan for it. It is neither healthy nor recommendable to operate outside of God’s plan. Chastity requires patience—it requires waiting for God to reveal his plan for your vocation and to unite you with your spouse. Waiting can be difficult—but it is also what is most fulfilling.

Chastity believes that virtue leads to freedom and joy. A virtue is a habitual and firm disposition to do the good. In chastity, you create the good of having pure and loving intentions toward your spouse/future spouse. When you are married, this purity of intention carries into your relationship and blesses and fulfills it. When you have mastered your desires, you have the ability to freely give of yourself to another person. Chastity is about freedom and joy.

If you look at the five principles, you will see a few common themes in the message: love, patience, virtue, selflessness, sacrifice, freedom and joy. Chastity promises all good things that any person should want and desire.

So, if the message of chastity is good, why was I angry when I heard the message in high school? I was angry because I knew that I wasn’t living chastity and that I was being called to change my behaviors. The message was difficult to hear and I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong in the way that I was living my life. It wasn’t until I started to see how my impure desires were hurting the people that I loved that I decided I needed to journey to purity.

If you have ever been personally challenged by the message of chastity, I challenge you to surrender to the message and question your behaviors. Learning to live a chaste life was life changing for me and the virtue of chastity promises many, many blessings in your life.

______________________________

Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children.

She is the last thing you think of before you fall asleep and your first thought in the morning…

Your heart races when you see him in the hallway…

You can’t remember life without each other….

But is it the real thing?

Ask yourself the following questions to shed some light on the topic:

1. Are you in love with the person or the way they make you feel?

In college I had a conversation with a friend regarding the reason to get married. He explained that he had heard a Deacon say that when he asked engaged couples why they wanted to be married their answer was always the same: “She/he makes me so happy.” My friend explained that when he got married, his motivation would be the opposite: he wanted to make his wife so happy. Months passed and this friend became my boyfriend, later my fiancé and then my husband.

It is easy to get caught up in a relationship based on emotion. Many confuse loving a person with loving the way that person makes them feel. St. Paul said, “[Love] does not seek its own interests” (1 Cor 13:5). Carefully evaluate why you are in your relationship. When the goal is one another’s holiness then happiness will be a natural byproduct. Which leads to question number two:

2. Is his/her soul your first priority?          

God wants to reveal Himself to us through our encounters with others. God invented human relationships to make us holy! True love should point us to Heaven and motivate us to do whatever we can to protect the soul of the other. Loving someone never means sinning with them. Love builds up, strengthens and sanctifies as it seeks the good of the one we love. Lust is self-serving, passion driven and debilitating.  God is love, and a God-centered relationship is the best place to look for authentic human love.

3. Can you live with their flaws?

My second daughter is a two-year old rebel. She is constantly eating chapstick, climbing in the dryer or drawing on walls. She makes me crazy, but when she puts that sweet head on my shoulder my heart explodes with unconditional love. Everyone has flaws, and your future spouse will have many. My husband could tell you all of mine, but he loves me in spite of them. We didn’t marry each other with the intent to change one another. However, because God is the source of our love, He has certainly used us to draw the other away from many vices!

Disclaimer: These flaws shouldn’t be things that put your soul or body in danger. St. Paul continues on: “[Love] is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,it does not rejoice over wrongdoing” (1 Cor. 13:5-5). If someone is hurting you spiritually (through making it hard to practice your faith or inviting you to sin) then this clearly isn’t love. Furthermore, if someone hurts you emotionally or physically then I urge you to end the relationship quickly and seek counsel from a trusted adult.

4. Are you compatible?

Does love hurt? Ask Jesus.

As Jason Evert points out so beautifully, “compatible comes from the Latin word compati, meaning, ‘to suffer with.’ If you are unwilling to suffer with someone until death do you part, then you are not compatible.” Whether through tragedy or childbirth, suffering is inevitable in life. Is this the person you want to share your cross with? Are you willing to bear their sufferings as well?

5. If you love someone, you don’t ask if you love them.

When I was dating my husband in college, many friends would ask how I knew I was in love. It’s cliché, but all I could say was, “I just know.” If you are questioning if it’s true love, it probably isn’t. This isn’t a bad thing. It simply means that you are growing in your discernment of whether or not this person is for you.

Remember, when it comes to relationships doing everything right doesn’t always mean it is God’s Will. One night my oldest daughter decided to give us her most prized possession: her bedroom. She switched all of the bedding and belongings. She unveiled her gift and was utterly devastated when we explained we couldn’t accept it. I realized in this moment that just because we are doing something good it doesn’t necessarily make it the best thing for us.

The Lord knows the surest way to get to you Heaven and has a personal vocation for you. Within that vocation he knows the best religious order or person to make you the happiest and holiest. Don’t rush your heart!  Remain constantly open to God’s Will in your relationships. If you care about someone you will want them to find God’s plan for their life with or without you in it. Trust the Lord and He will not disappoint!

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Katie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org). This work coaches young women as they strive for purity through praying for and journaling to their future spouse. She has been blessed to watch hearts come alive with the realization that our faithful God hungers to exceed our deepest desires.

Besides choosing to give Christ my entire heart and life at 18 (after falling in love with Him in the Eucharist), the best decision I ever made was to wait 28 years for the man of my dreams. There were so many times I could’ve settled for a nice Catholic guy who treated me well and bored me to tears. I knew I never wanted to tell my children, “Well, your dad loved me and seemed nice enough, so I married him.” Ugh. Gag me with a spork. Heck no. I knew I wanted to tell my children, “I waited patiently for a man I was passionately in love with, who led me to holiness, who was my best friend, and who I couldn’t wait to be married to!” Sure enough, when Bobby Angel came along, I knew I found that man.

My butt hurt. I was sitting on the most uncomfortable bleacher that bleachers have to offer, listening to a guy I didn’t know talk to 1,200 high schoolers about…sex. For a nerdy high school sophomore, this was adolescent awkward at its best. The presenter spoke all about dating, marriage, “true love”, etc. which I tended to tune out at 2:00pm on a Tuesday afternoon. Of all the seemingly annoying explanations, one point did strike a chord with me – “my future spouse”.

I had never thought about my future spouse. That afternoon I began thinking, “What will she look like? How will I meet her? What will make her laugh? What will I like about her?” These were all strange thoughts for me at that moment in time. The presenter continued, telling us all that our future spouses were worth praying, waiting, searching, and sacrificing for. As a 16 year old who could care less what this guy had to say, that random Tuesday, I agreed.

Abstract Ideas

You may have heard the “future spouse” idea before, or maybe this is your first time hearing this. Regardless, it’s a good thing to think about. Saying “yes” to your future spouse now can make it easier to say “no” to temptations, trials, and tribulations as they arise. The concept, however, tends be fairly abstract. Just think for a moment…out there, somewhere, somehow, someway I am going to marry a specific someone that will bring me joy and happiness here and will ultimately guide me to heaven.

It’s worth it

A little over a month ago I asked this “future spouse” that I abstractly thought about my sophomore year of high school to marry me (woah). She actually said “yes” (double woah). All of the prayers, sacrifices, searching, and waiting that I committed to since that Tuesday in high school has become one of best decisions of my life. Especially now that this flesh and blood, holy knockout of a woman named Emily literally IS my future wife.

Maybe this is too simple, or too obvious, but I can at least write from my recent experience and say that my future wife was, and continues to be worth saying “yes” to. Saying “yes” to her 12 years ago has made saying “yes” to her now an incredible reality. For those of you on or even considering the lifelong journey of chastity; the blood, sweat, and tears are worth it, and I believe they will continue to be worth it for the rest of my life. Love is worth choosing in the great fights of our lives. It’s the fight that makes it great. It’s the fight that makes it heroic. Ladies and gents, be in it for the long haul. Your spouse is worth this fight, and this fight will transform your life.

Sincerely,

Emily’s Future Husband (Pete Burds)

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Ever since his re-version to Catholicism through a high school youth ministry program, Pete has used his five loaves & two fish for the sake of building the Kingdom. Through storytelling, retreats, and writing he has proclaimed ​Christ’s freedom to thousands. He’s the Campus Minister at Saint Thomas More High School in Milwaukee and the Director of Evangelization for Arise Missions (arisemissions.org). Pete is a ​wanna-be philosopher, has a mild obsession with the band Switchfoot, and because of Christ, finds himself living a life greater than his dreams.

I came across a quiz in Seventeen magazine (don’t ask why I was reading it) – asking the question, “Are you ready for sex?” I was intrigued, so I took the quiz. Thankfully, the quiz determined that I was in fact ready. So how did Seventeen magazine determine that I was able and ready to take this step in my life? I was asked questions like:

–        How long have you been with your boyfriend?

–        Have you ever discussed birth control or condoms?

–        You know your guy loves you because…?

A twelve year old could have answered these questions and the quiz would have determined that they were ready to “go for it.” I think a better criteria was needed for the quiz to impart any real wisdom.

Have you ever noticed the lack of clarity around this question? It would seem like an important question to have an objective answer to. When is a relationship ready for sex? Regardless of where your opinion falls, most everyone would agree that sex has the power to bring a man and woman together in love and is a very important part of a romantic relationship between a man and a woman. At the same time, everyone could probably think of many couples who were “in love” before a sexual relationship drove them apart or created great conflict in their relationship.

The most common response to this question about sex tends to be, “it’s different for everyone. You have sex when you and your partner both feel ready.” But what does that mean? That would appear to be too subjective to give any real clarity. Biologically, your body is “ready” for sex when you reach adolescence. But that doesn’t mean that’s when you should start having sex. There is great emotional responsibility involved in entering into a sexual relationship. What happens if the relationship ends and the two people have now given of themselves in deep intimacy and now they no longer want anything to do with one another? What happens if they conceive a child and they are only teenagers? Trusting your feelings and following emotions would not appear to be the best criteria for making such an important decision. Although feelings are misleading, the responsibilities that follow sexual intimacy are very real. It would seem that sex should be reserved for two people who aren’t simply in love, but who are in a lifelong relationship and are ready to accept responsibility.

It’s not enough to be “in love.” After all, there are varying degrees of love. What if you are “deeply in love,” and you “just know” that you will be together forever? You may feel “ready” for sex, but you could fill an ocean with the tears cried by people who had sex and were deeply in love, only to find themselves separated months later.

Is there an objective criteria to answer this question? Is there a full-proof measurement to determine when you are ready to have sex? I think so, or at least, I know when I knew that I was ready.

When I loved a woman in my life so much that I could proclaim that love to her father and asked for the responsibility to care for his daughter for the rest of my life – I knew I was ready. When I loved a woman in my life so much that I could proclaim my love to her – in front of all of her friends and family and God Himself – I knew I was ready. When I could vow my entire life to a woman’s service and to the service of our future children, in good times and bad, sickness and health – I knew I was ready. My love for her had to be so strong and so devoted that it could only make sense in the context of a lifelong self-gift. I found that a commitment of our bodies to one another must be preceded by a commitment of our entire lives to one another.

How do you know if you are ready to have sex? Is there an objective criteria to answer that question? I think there is.

If you are not married, you are not ready for sex.

_______________________________________

Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children.

The most pandemic wound of our world is fatherlessness. Every little girl yearns to be pursued by her father. She desires to be wanted. She asks the questions, Do you delight in me? Am I worth fighting for? Do you want me? Do you see me? Do you value me? Am I beautiful? Am I enough? When these questions are answered through a father appropriately loving, touching, kissing and affirming his daughter she doesn’t need to run off with the first boy who finds her attractive.

But when these questions aren’t answered in an appropriate way, she seeks to find these answers on her own. When a father doesn’t give his daughter the attention and love she craves, her need for male acceptance is bottomless. Often times these unanswered questions lead to eating disorders, depression and promiscuity to name a few.

All my life I’ve yearned for love. Craved physical touch so deeply at times I thought I’d faint. Ached for it, yet feared it with every fiber of my being. I was abused so much I didn’t even know what good physical touch should feel like. As a little girl and teenager I was never told I was beautiful or enough. These unanswered questions left my curiosity with a hunger that couldn’t satisfied my heart.

I searched for these answers on my own. I thought if I achieved a certain weight I would feel beautiful and enough. But the truth is, the more weight I lost the more empty I felt. My quest to find beauty could have killed me.  I got so sick that I could literally hear my heart struggling to beat. I was petrified. One night I took my pulse and it was in the high twenties. I fought back the tears because I was afraid my heart wouldn’t be capable of handling the energy my tears would produce. My bones were protruding, I was freezing, my hair was falling out in clumps, my finger nails were purple and I had fine hair growing all over my body. I was killing myself. All my heart ached for was to be held and told I was beautiful.

There is a strange phenomenon that has happened in our culture, where the elderly, weathered and wise have been labeled as “old” and “obsolete”. We are one of the few cultures in the history of civilization that does not value the elderly for their wisdom. You would think that people would want advice from someone who has been through all of the struggles and trials of this life.

The same can be said for dating and relationships. I once heard a young man challenge an article that I had written on relationships saying that he knew more about women than I did because he had dated 15 different women in the past year. Being in a lot of failed relationships is more of an indictment than it is a badge of honor. Consider this, who would you rather receive marriage advice from? A person that has been divorced 5 times or a person that has been married for 50 years?

I can’t say that I am an expert in dating and relationships, but I have figured a few things out over the course of my life. I married my high school sweet-heart, we were best friends before we dated and were both virgins when we married. I dated her for four and a half years (all the way through college – 2 years long distance). We have been married for over 7 years and have 3 beautiful children. Here are a few things I figured out along the way that aided my relationship. These messages are not your typical dating advice.

1. Every relationship ends in one of two ways.

A dating relationship either ends in marriage or break-up. Rare is it that you meet a person that has been dating the same person for 30 years. If you know that the person that you are dating is not a person that you want to marry, you need to end the relationship. The conclusion is inevitable, and delaying it for any other reason simply creates a climate for a bad relationship. Keeping this principle in mind will instantly raise your standards for the kind of person that you are willing to date and give your relationship purpose (discerning marriage).

2. Your dating relationship is not the most important relationship you will ever have.

Every marriage relationship ends when “death parts you.” At the moment of death, you will meet the person that you were created for and will spend the rest of eternity with – Jesus Christ. A dating relationship should build up your relationship with Jesus, not pull you away from it. Prayer in your relationship is one of the most important things you will ever do as a couple.

3. Never make decisions in a state of spiritual desolation.

This is a principle of St. Ignatius Loyola. It means that important decisions in your life (like who you date) should not be made without prayer. If you don’t know what God is trying to lead you to because you cannot hear Him, then you shouldn’t be making important life decisions.

4. It’s okay to be single.

Seriously, it is. Love finds us in God’s time. When you date with purpose, you tend to date fewer people, but for longer periods of time.

5. Chastity is necessary for love.

When a person has not learned to master their sexual desires – but are instead mastered by their desires – their desires are inherently selfish. Selfishness and love are two things that do not go together. Chastity dictates that you love a person so much that you will the good for them. Sex only makes sense in the context of marriage, because it is in marriage that you give your entire life and self to the other person. Doing that in body – through sex – without first doing it in sacrament, speaks a lie to the other person. I can honestly say that there is no way that my wife and I would have ever married if we didn’t constantly pursue and practice purity in our dating relationship.

Dating is not a complicated practice – it’s a discernment process for marriage. What complicates the practice of dating is the brokenness, impurity or unreasonable expectations that a person brings into a relationship. If you struggle with dating the right person or finding the right person, find someone who lives a happy and healthy marriage, and follow their lead.

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Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children.

I was at an amusement park with my kids recently, where I observed a guy and a girl holding hands. The couple couldn’t have been older than 15.The girl led the guy up to a booth where the goal was to knock over a stack of bottles with a baseball. If you knock over the bottles, you win a big stuffed teddy bear. I watched as the girl looked up at her boyfriend, smiled at him and said, “Will you win me a prize?” The boy took out $5, handed it to her and replied, “you do it.” That was not what this girl had in mind. The girl pleaded with him for a second, but it was no use. She ended up – half-heartedly – throwing the ball herself and left with no prize. The girl was disappointed, the boy was clueless and I was dumbfounded. Someone needed to throw a ball at this boy’s head. This girl had no interest in playing a silly carnival game or winning a big, teddy bear. She wanted this boy to win her heart–and he had failed miserably.

When it comes to love and relationships, I think young men have lost their way. I cannot tell you how many amazing and beautiful young women ask me, “Where do I find a good man?” I never have a good answer for them. Young men have no confidence in leading a woman (unless he is leading her to his bedroom). I once heard of a priest who gave a homily on a college campus where he started out by asking, “How many girls in this Church have been asked out on a date this week?’ After surveying the handful of hands that went up, the priest spent the rest of the homily scolding the young men in the room for not asking girls out on a date.

Why is it so important that young men learn how to lead a woman? Consider these points:

Women want to be led to Heaven.

St. Paul said to husbands, “Love your wives as Christ loves the Church.” Just as Christ invites the Church to “follow him” to Heaven, so do women look to men to be led to Heaven. Seldom will you find a woman that prefers to initiate an invitation for a first date, a marriage proposal, or any other courtship within a relationship. God created men with the purpose of guiding a relationship toward Him, and men today are dropping the ball in this regard.

A man’s own security provides strength and encouragement for women.

In many cases, guys will say that they don’t approach women because of fear of rejection. That fear is what turns women off in the first place. When a man knows where he is going and what he is pursuing (Christ) he will not live approach a potential relationship with fear. Women want men who are secure in who they are and how God made them.

A good man provides witness to others.

One of the reasons why young men are so lost in a relationship is because there are not enough real men to provide a real example of Christian manhood. The problem of manhood will never be solved until more men step up and answer the call to lead. Until then, women will constantly be asking the question, “where are all the real men?”

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Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children.

I consciously gave my life to Jesus when I was 14 years old. I didn’t know all there was to know about the faith (still don’t) but I knew a few important things: I shouldn’t steal stuff, I shouldn’t lie, I should go to Church every Sunday, and I should save sex for marriage. So I made a commitment to stay a virgin until I got married.

Sounds noble, right? Well, in the spirit of full disclosure I must admit that at that age no girl had even remotely desired to sleep with me. I was the freshman in high school who shows up and you wonder who let the sixth graders in. Girls didn’t find me attractive and I didn’t like them much either (being a fan of a lot of D&D and fantasy books, my ideal woman was an Elven princess who knew karate and was good with a knife—a standard most 13 and 14 year old Catholic school girls don’t live up to).

As time went on, I did attract some girlfriends (playing guitar helped) and I entered the exciting world of male/female romance.

How did I do? Not well. My sincere apologies to those who had the misfortune of dating me.

The biggest thing that hindered positive relationships for me was I understood virginity but hadn’t a clue about chastity. Chastity is the virtue of sexual purity. I might not have had sex… but I wasn’t sexually pure either. And so I really made a mess of things, hurting myself and the women I dated.

A turning point came in 1994. I had just graduated college and was dating a wonderful Christian girl. I had it in my mind that she might be THE ONE and we had even entertained some conversations about marriage. We both loved the Lord and prayed together but were clearly confused about the chastity thing.

Then I went to a conference where I heard a speaker give an amazing talk about what chastity really was. It was not a restriction—it was a gift! God desires us to live in purity so we can have the greatest expression (and experience) of love. As I looked back on my life, I realized how things were at the worst when I was at my most unchaste. Chastity was there to protect beautiful relationships, while sexual activity confuses and destroys them.

I was thrilled to hear the truth. I felt so liberated! They passed out “Chastity Pledge” cards and I hastily filled one out, putting my name and the date on it. I got an extra one for my girlfriend, bought her a copy of the talk on cassette (yes, that’s what we used back then) and mailed it to her with great excitement. She also loved the message and we committed ourselves to a pure and chaste relationship. I was more convinced than ever that she was THE ONE.

Six months later we broke up.

Sexual activity is like a drug and when we got “sober” we realized that there were things about each other that were downright annoying. I was thankful to realize this, at least in my mind. But my heart was furious. I desired love. I thought she was THE ONE. And that stupid card blew it!

18 months later, I dated another girl with bright blue eyes and curly hair. I finally understood with her what it meant to have a chaste relationship and I wished I had been that way with every relationship I had! One day, after a few months of dating, we were praying together when I opened my bible and the Pledge Card fell out.

Though I had not forgotten my commitment to be chaste, I forgot the card was there. I remember feeling embarrassed to see it. I’m not sure why. I wasn’t embarrassed about my commitment to chastity—this girl had the same commitment. Maybe it was because it reminded me of her, THE ONE. I signed that card thinking it would bless and protect the relationship I had with the girl I thought would be my future wife. Instead, it destroyed it.

My new girlfriend picked up the card and it looked as though she was going to cry. She reached in her bible and pulled out her chastity pledge card. “Look!” she said. I nodded. She had a Pledge Card, too. Lots of people had.

She could tell I was missing her point. “Look closer,” she said, handing me both cards.

I looked at them. They weren’t just both pledge cards, they were the exact same card. From the same conference. On the same date.

When I was in one corner of the room, committing myself to God and my future spouse to stay pure for my marriage, she was in another corner of the room, pledging the same thing.

We were married a year later.

Our God is a God of faithfulness. “‘Yes, I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace, not for disaster, to give you a future full of hope.’” (Jeremiah 29:11) When we give Him the most intimate parts of our lives, He gives us His most intimate blessing. So, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I share this personal story with you to give you hope. God has an amazing plan for your life. No matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been, God can get you on the right path to the fullness of life He has planned for you.

(This story is one of the devotionals of “The 40-Day Spiritual Workout for Catholics” which you can get for free at http://40days.steubenville.org)

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Bob Rice desires to share the love of God using every talent he’s been blessed with. He’s an internationally known speaker, acclaimed musician, inspirational teacher, and innovative writer. Bob teaches at Franciscan University of Steubenville, Ohio where he lives with his wife Jennifer and seven beautiful children. You can keep up with him at bob-rice.com.

I made this blog because a photo of my husband and I has gone viral on the internet. I wanted to share the story behind the photo for the hundreds of thousands of people who found inspiration through this sweet moment we had.

The Story Behind the Photo

Moments before I was to walk down the aisle my soon to be mother in law came in the dressing room where my bridesmaids and I were all gushing with giggles and fluttering about finishing last minute details.

“Sweetheart, your groom has called for you!”.

In a nervous tizzy I said, “What?! I’m not ready! I have to get my shoes and…” She had already taken my hand and led me to a corner, where my groom was waiting. I barely sat down; I was filled with so much anticipation! So much excitement! So many nerves!

“Is he going to like my dress? Does my hair look pretty? Can he see me?!”

Right around the corner sat my soon to be husband, I so was nervous he might see me yet secretly hoping to catch a glimpse of him. In my excited state I was the first to speak,

“Hi sweetie! We’re getting married today!”

“I know baby and I want to pray with you before we do.”

There we sat around the corner hand in hand, and together we bowed our heads. People were rushing about; the wedding coordinator directing people here and there, the photographers snapping photos and the bridal party enjoying each others company. Yet in that moment, in the quietness of our hearts and minds, my husband and I were alone in the presence of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

My husband prayed that God would bless our marriage, that through thick or thin together we would never lose hope in one another. That instead of focusing on each others imperfections we would always rely on Christ’s perfection. That we would wake up every day and chose to love one another not through our own strength but by the power of Christ’s perfect love.

With our hands clenched tightly to one another together we said “Amen”, both with shaky voice and just like that I was whisked away to blot the tears off my face and put on my veil.

After my bridesmaids, mother, mother-in-law and every other girl in the room had finished zipping, curling, tucking and blushing me up I looked in the mirror. There I stood wearing my pure white wedding dress, ready to walk down the aisle to my Prince Charming.

See, he is not only my Prince Charming because of his incredibly handsome looks, or wonderful humor, or the fact that we have so much in common. He is my Prince Charming because he helped me protect the most precious gift that I owned, my purity.

Soon after we had started dating I nervously told my Prince that I was a virgin and planned to be until the night of my wedding; to which he replied he would have it no other way.

Throughout our dating relationship and engagement we constantly fought, what at times felt like a losing battle. We fought temptation with prayer, scripture and accountability. I had friends checking up on me if they knew we were together late at night and he regularly met with other Godly men to pray for strength. At times, especially as the wedding grew closer, we thought we were attempting to do the impossible.

“Why are we doing this?” I would ask in my weakness, and he would remind me, that it’s because God had told us to.

“I can’t do it, I can’t… this is too hard!” he would confess to me and I would pray for his strength.

When I walked down the aisle in my white dress, I looked straight into the eyes of the man that had laid himself down to protect and honor the wife that God had given him.

When his eyes first caught mine he looked into the face of the woman that had waited for him, the woman that would support him and love him for the rest of His life, through good times and bad.

I share all of this because in that prayer we prayed, which was captured here on camera we asked the Lord to use our wedding to bring Him all of the glory that He rightfully deserved. We had not gotten where we were by our own strength, but by His hand of protection on our relationship.

God has used this photo to inspire hundreds of thousands of people already and for that we are humbled and honored! I wanted to take it a step further and give God praise and thanks for how we arrived at that quiet corner, holding hands and ready to begin our lives together.

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Originally posted by Bre, at her blog: The Power of Prayer