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Everett Fritz

August 8, 2020 By Everett Fritz

Il mio incontro con Giovanni Paolo Magno

 Nove anni fa, mi sono ritrovato a Roma, ad aspettare in fila con milioni di persone, sperando di intravedere il compianto Papa Giovanni Paolo II. Egli era un mio eroe e mi è capitato di viaggiare in Europa quando è morto.  E così ho cambiato i miei piani e ho viaggiato per far parte della celebrazione e del lutto di questo grande santo.  La scena a Roma era surreale.  La linea in San Pietro si estendeva fino alla Città del Vaticano, attraverso il fiume Tevere e intorno ai quartieri di Roma.  La gente cantava, cantava per Giovanni Paolo II e c’erano cartelli e fiori fatti in casa in tutto il Vaticano che dicevano immediatamente Santo!  [Santo subito!].

Dopo diverse ore di attesa, sono arrivato all’interno di San Pietro, dove ho avuto alcuni momenti per rendere omaggio al compianto Giovanni Paolo II.  Non dimenticherò mai il momento, perché sono scoppiato a singhiozzare.  Giovanni Paolo II ha avuto un enorme impatto sulla mia vita, il che è notevole considerando che questa è stata l’unica volta in cui sono entrato in contatto con lui.

  “Solo l’uomo casto e la donna casta sono capaci di amare.”  – Giovanni Paolo II

 Tutti amavano Giovanni Paolo II.  Il suo impatto sul mondo era incommensurabile.  Egli fu determinante nella caduta del comunismo nell’Europa orientale.  E ha rivoluzionato la Chiesa nell’era post-Vaticano II e viaggiato più di ogni altro papa nella storia umana, portando la gioia del Vangelo a milioni di persone.  Giovanni Paolo si era reso caro ai giovani;  è stato il fondatore della Giornata Mondiale della Gioventù.

Per me, la sua più grande opera su di lui sono stati i suoi insegnamenti sulla sessualità umana.  Nessun papa nella storia della Chiesa ha scritto o parlato di amore e sessualità più di Giovanni Paolo II.  Da giovane sacerdote, Giovanni Paolo ha trascorso del tempo con le coppie sposate, imparando dal loro esempio e dalla loro testimonianza nella loro vocazione.  Da cardinale ha scritto “Amore e responsabilità”, un capolavoro sulla difesa dell’insegnamento cattolico nell’ambito della famiglia e dell’etica sessuale.  E ha scritto un’opera teatrale intitolata “The Jeweler’s Shop (la bottega dell’orefice)”, in cui i protagonisti e la storia ruotavano attorno alla relazione e alle sfide di un matrimonio.  Queste prime opere di Giovanni Paolo hanno dimostrato il suo grande amore e devozione per il matrimonio e la famiglia, oltre a dare comprensione e ispirazione pastorale a tutte le persone nell’area della sessualità.

  “L’amore consiste in un impegno che limita la propria libertà – è un dono di sé, e donarsi significa proprio questo: limitare la propria libertà per conto di un altro”.  – Karol Wojtyla (Giovanni Paolo II)

Non è stata una sorpresa, quindi, che nei suoi primi cinque anni da Papa, Giovanni Paolo II tenesse un discorso settimanale ai cristiani nelle sue udienze del mercoledì sui temi dell’amore, della sessualità, del matrimonio e della famiglia.  Questo lavoro d’amore quinquennale divenne noto come “La teologia del corpo”, forse una delle più grandi opere mai realizzate nel cristianesimo.  In un’epoca in cui tutta la civiltà occidentale si era radicata nella rivoluzione sessuale e la percezione comune dell’etica sessuale cristiana era che l’insegnamento cristiano fosse puritano e fuori dal mondo, Giovanni Paolo II si presentò al mondo e offrì pastoralmente una diversa comprensione della nostra sessualità  .  Ci ha insegnato il piano di Dio per noi maschi e femmine e ci ha aiutato a comprendere l’espressione unica dell’amore che si verifica quando “i due diventano una sola carne”.  Ci ha insegnato che il sesso è un’espressione dell’amore che comunica i voti del Santo Matrimonio e immagina l’amore di Cristo per la sua Chiesa di lui.  Giovanni Paolo ci ha insegnato come amare e ci ha incoraggiato a vivere in modo casto in modo che potessimo scoprire sia il meraviglioso piano di Dio per l’amore e il sesso sia lo straordinario piano di Dio per le nostre vite.  L’esempio, la testimonianza e gli insegnamenti coraggiosi di Giovanni Paolo II hanno ispirato milioni di persone nel rinnovamento della castità, della fedeltà coniugale e del rinnovamento della famiglia in tutto il mondo.

Non dimenticherò mai la prima volta che ho ascoltato gli insegnamenti di Giovanni Paolo II nella sua Teologia del corpo.  Ero una matricola al college e uscivo con l’amore della mia vita.  Mi ero appena impegnato nell’astinenza nella mia vita, ma mancava qualcosa nel mio rapporto con la mia ragazza e nella mia pratica della castità.  Stavo semplicemente dicendo “no” al sesso, ma non capivo come amare veramente la mia ragazza in un modo appropriato per la nostra relazione.  Solo quando entrambi abbiamo partecipato a un seminario sulla teologia del corpo, la castità ha avuto un senso per me.  La Teologia del Corpo mi ha aperto gli occhi per capire come amare la mia ragazza e quale fosse la mia missione mentre camminavamo verso il matrimonio.  E ho una profonda gratitudine nei confronti di Giovanni Paolo II, per come mi ha ispirato e per come mi ha insegnato ad amare.

  San Giovanni Paolo II, prega per noi.

  _______________________________

  Everett Fritz lavora nella pastorale giovanile cattolica e ama parlare di castità, facendo discepolato ed evangelizzazione tra i giovani.  Everett, attualmente, lavora per YDisciple e ha conseguito la laurea in teologia presso l’Istituto Augustine e l’Università Francescana di Steubenville.  Everett risiede a Denver con sua moglie Katrina e i loro tre fantastici figli.  Segui Everett su Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz o Twitter – @ Efritzfritz1

Filed Under: Italiano

July 24, 2017 By Everett Fritz

HELP! I Can’t Stop Looking at Porn

Pornography use has become an epidemic.

The governors of Utah and Tennessee have recently declared pornography a, “public health crisis.” The declaration that was passed in each of the states had bipartisan support (it had unanimous support in the House of Representatives in Tennessee). But why is it a problem under the definition of a “health crisis?”

The short answer is that pornography is a drug… and it extremely addictive. There is overwhelming evidence that pornography negatively impacts brain chemistry, leads to increases in rape and violent crimes, causes sexual dysfunction, and increases marital problems.

Pornography is an epidemic.

Consider these statistics:

  • In 2016, one pornographic website reported they had nearly 92 billion videos viewed, 23 billion visitors and 4.6 billion hours of video watched. That’s over 64 million website hits each day and 5,236 centuries of watched video in one year… and that was just one pornographic website. On top of that, the website reported an increase of 300 million views than the previous year.
  • Pornography is not only a man’s problem. A growing number of women state that they are addicted to pornography. 76% of women ages 18-30 say they view pornography at least once a month. [1]

Chances are, I could throw a stone into a crowded area and I would hit someone that has a pornography addiction. If you can’t stop looking at porn, then you are in good company.

If you can’t stop looking at porn, here are 3 things you need to know.

A pornography addiction does not mean that you are weak.

I’ve mentored many men through this issue. The people have ranged from officers in the military, to clergymen, to married men, and everyone in between. Every single one of these people practices discipline in their daily lives. Their career and vocations require discipline. They are not weak individuals. Pornography addiction is not merely a struggle with self-control. If it were easily conquered with self-control, then pornography use would not be an epidemic.

People succumb to the temptation to use pornography and masturbate because they are wounded individuals.

Pornography (and masturbation) are used because they release hormones and chemicals into our brain that act as a numbing agent for emotional pain. People become addicted to these chemicals and fall into the shackles of pornography. If the underlying emotional pain goes untreated, it will be near impossible to overcome the addiction.

Failure happens in isolation.

Falling to pornography happens when a person is alone. For this reason, the best defense against pornography and masturbation addictions is to come out of isolation. Someone else needs to know about your problem. It is much more difficult to overcome an addiction on your own.

This does not mean that you need to shout your shame to the world. There are many good reasons that a pornography addiction shouldn’t be public knowledge. These addictions have a social cost and that needs to be measured when sharing intimate details about addiction.

Because pornography affects the brain, self-control becomes more difficult. The action of self-control is managed by the brain. Pornography compromises a person’s rational thinking. In many cases, the addict needs another person in order to overcome the compromised capacity of the brain.

If you are addicted to pornography, reach out to someone.  A close friend, a counselor, a clergyman, a parent or relative… don’t keep this problem in the shadows. Pornography (and masturbation) addictions need to be brought into the light.

Freedom is Possible

A blog article is not going to offer anything but encouragement. There is only so much that can be communicated in a short article and there is no silver bullet solution to overcoming pornography.  Every person has different wounds that need to heal and that makes every person’s journey unique. The good news is that many people have successfully navigated this problem and they have overcome it. FREEDOM IS POSSIBLE!

A fair number of people are now speaking up about their problems and offering quality resources to support someone that is caught in the shackles of sexual sins. Below are links to several resources that I recommend.

Freedom: Battle Strategies for Conquering Temptation

Integrity Restored

Covenant Eyes

(Also make sure to read “15 Tips to Stay Hooked on Porn“).

[1] 2014 Pornography Survey and Statistics. Proven Men Ministries. http://www.provenmen.org/2014pornsurvey/ (accessed Dec. 29, 2014).

______________________________

Everett Fritz is the founder and Executive Director of St. Andrew Missionaries. He authored the best selling book, Freedom: Battle Strategies for Conquering Temptation – a guide for young men trapped in the shackles of sexual sin. Everett speaks on the topics of discipleship, prayer and chastity. He and his wife Katrina reside in Denver, Colorado with their 3 children. To contact Everett to speak or to learn more about his apostolates, visit www.everettfritz.com or connect with him on Facebook or Twitter.

Filed Under: Breaking Free, Masturbation, Porn, etc.

June 6, 2017 By Everett Fritz

How Far is Too Far?

I lead a weekly Bible study with a group of high school young men. Prom was approaching and the guys wanted advice. One of them asked me, “how far is too far?”

I have known these guys for over three years, and I knew this young man’s heart. He did not have a lustful intention, but he didn’t know how to articulate his question to get an appropriate answer.

I remember seeking this same question as a teen. I met my wife when I was 16 years old and our friendship had led me into a relationship with Jesus Christ. Up until I met her, I had only had impure relationships with young women and my attitude towards dating and affection had largely been shaped by my addiction to pornography. My relationship with Christ led me out of that addiction and when my future wife and I started dating, my only intention for her was for both of us to seek the good for the other in our relationship.

Unfortunately, I had no idea what this meant. In the day-to-day living of a dating relationship that was new, young and still growing in maturity, I did not know how to express affection in a way that was truly loving. I had only seen and experienced affection within the context of lust. I did not understand what was appropriate in a young and loving relationship.

The first time that I went in for a kiss, I stayed too long and my advance wasn’t welcomed. Thankfully, Katrina was patient with me while also insisting that affection be expressed in an appropriate manner. I realized that I had a lot to learn.

My wife and I dated for over four years before we married and we were both virgins on our wedding day. We made the virtue of chastity a core value within our relationship. The lived reality of this virtue was difficult—and we learned what was appropriate through some trial and error.

Looking back, I wish that I had the wisdom that the young men in my Bible study had. They seek guidance from adults that live the virtues that they are trying to master. As I shared above, one young man wanted to know what the boundaries needed to be on prom night with a girl. He asked me, “How far is too far?” Because I had lived through this question, I knew that the answer was self-evident if I could re-state his question with a little more definition.

His real question was, “What is an appropriate expression of affection for the defined status of our relationship?” 

This was our conversation:

ME:  “If you and I were holding hands, walking down the hallway at school, what would people think?”

TEEN: “They would think that we are in a dating relationship.”

ME: “Correct. Holding hands is not a bad thing. But it is not appropriate for the nature of our relationship. The same can be said for sex, kissing, or any number of affectionate actions. All are good—but only if they match the nature of your relationship.

If you are not in a life-long commitment of love (marriage) then sex (or any action that exists for the purpose of arousing for sex) is not appropriate. If you are not dating, a kiss on the cheek is not appropriate. You must always do what is good for both you and the other person. Define your relationship first and then express the affection that matches that relationship. If you have questions regarding what is and is not appropriate, seek advice from the older and wiser people that are living the virtue of chastity. (One thing to keep in mind, though, is that couples do not receive a license to be progressively more impure as they get closer and closer to marriage. If anything, the closer they come to the sacrament, the more seriously they should desire to guard the purity of their love.)

For more on affection read “I love you but DON’T TOUCH ME!”

__________________________________

Everett Fritz is the founder and Executive Director of St. Andrew Missionaries. He authored the best selling book, Freedom: Battle Strategies for Conquering Temptation – a guide for young men trapped in the shackles of sexual sin. Everett speaks on the topics of discipleship, prayer and chastity. He and his wife Katrina reside in Denver, Colorado with their 3 children. To contact Everett to speak or to learn more about his apostolates, visit www.everettfritz.com or connect with him on Facebook or Twitter.

Filed Under: Dating, How Far is Too Far?

September 18, 2015 By Everett Fritz

Planned Parenthood – The Enemy of Chastity

If you have been following the news this past summer, Planned Parenthood Federation of America has found themselves in a very big scandal. They are facing congressional hearings and the prospect of losing their $528.4 million annual government funding due to the accusations that they are violating federal law by selling aborted baby’s body parts for profit. The tenth undercover investigative video on Planned Parenthood was released by The Center for Medical Progress this past week. Each of the videos has been more incriminating and horrifying than the previous and this was not an exception.

But this shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. Government funding represents over 40% of Planned Parenthood’s annual budget. Another 20+% of their annual revenue comes from abortions. This means, to keep the doors open, Planned Parenthood needs a steady stream of desperate and hurting women with unwanted pregnancies. Planned Parenthood needs revenue to fund their organization, and basic healthcare for poor women is not lucrative. And therein lies the reason why Planned Parenthood is involved in this scandal.

Planned Parenthood’s business model depends upon people choosing to participate in reckless sexual behavior.

Many people are outraged about the current scandal. What some of these people don’t realize is that this scandal is far from the first. In fact, Planned Parenthood has been caught in several scandals involving the teaching and covering up of reckless sexual behaviors. Here are three scandals you may not have heard about:

Planned Parenthood has repeatedly covered up the rape of minors.

In 2008, Lila Rose made national headlines as a college student at UCLA when she went undercover with hidden cameras and posed as a 13-year-old girl wanting an abortion from a Planned Parenthood facility. She told the employee at Planned Parenthood that the father of the child was 31 years old. The employee broke the law and told Lila to lie about her age and that she could receive the abortion with no questions asked. This investigation was repeated at 8 different Planned Parenthood clinics in America, all with the same result.

Sadly, this situation has been documented as happening several additional times at PPFA clinics over the past several years—and in these cases, the situations were real. Planned Parenthood has been documented as not reporting real incidents of rape and abuse in seven states.

Planned Parenthood was caught aiding and embedding in Child Sex Trafficking.

In 2011, Lila Rose’s team at Live Action did another undercover video investigation, this time impersonating a pimp seeking abortion services for underage minors involved in a child sex trafficking ring. The pimp said that he needed abortions for his prostitutes who were underage and undocumented. Not only did the Planned Parenthood employee not report the incident, she gave the pimp advice on what he could do to get around the legal system. This investigation was repeated in three additional clinics with similar results.

Planned Parenthood has included Fifty Shades of Grey in their Sex Education to teenagers.

When your profits depend on young girls getting pregnant, it’s no surprise that Planned Parenthood has infiltrated the school system and is now teaching sex education. What do the lessons involve? You probably wouldn’t have guessed Fifty Shades of Grey. There is a video on the Planned Parenthood’s website for teens where BDSM is encouraged as a form of sexual experimentation. In 2014, Lila Rose’s team again went undercover, this time with a fifteen-year-old girl stating that her boyfriend had approached her about trying BDSM. The medical advisor in all four investigated PPFA clinics encouraged the teenager to experiment with her boyfriend, read Fifty Shades of Grey, and go to pornographic websites to learn about sex.

Defeat Planned Parenthood – Practice Chastity!

The one option that you will never see Planned Parenthood clinics encourage is the one option that is free, healthy and never results in an abortion, pain and suffering, or an unwanted pregnancy: Planned Parenthood never encourages chastity. In fact, they want you to believe that chastity is impossible and women need the “services,” they provide. The reason why Planned Parenthood is willing to cover-up rape and sex trafficking and encourage BDSM is because it all feeds a culture that ends up padding their pocketbook. Planned Parenthood is an enemy of chastity. If you want to affect change, there are three things that you can do:

  1. Contact your senators and state representatives and ask them to vote to defund Planned Parenthood.
  2. Use another medical facility for care and work with school officials to keep Planned Parenthood out of schools and sex education.
  3. PRACTICE CHASTITY! It is only when the culture becomes a culture of love that we will defeat this corrupt organization.

_________________________

Everett-Fritz-headshot3-840x1024EVERETT FRITZ is the author of Freedom: Battle Strategies for Conquering Temptation – due for release by Ignatius Press in October 2015. He has dedicated his life to serving young people in the Church by challenging them to live as a disciple of Jesus Christ. Everett regularly speaks on the topics of discipleship, youth evangelization and chastity. He married Katrina, his high school sweetheart, in 2006. They reside in Denver, Colorado with their children. To contact Everett to speak or to learn more about his apostolates, visit www.everettfritz.com. Connect with him here on Facebook or Twitter.

Filed Under: Abortion, Abstinence Education, Alternatives to the Pill, Birth Control & STDs, Methods, Morality, NFP, Overpopulation Myth, STDs

June 4, 2015 By Everett Fritz

The Best Dating Advice I Ever Received

It never ceases to amaze me how many people I know who end up in bad dating relationships. Not only are the relationships unhealthy for them, but for whatever reason, they are attached to the relationship and don’t want it to end.

I received an email from a young woman asking for advice in her current dating situation. She shared with me that she was struggling in her relationship with her boyfriend. She said she loved him, but in her email she described her boyfriend as “clingy, bossy, demanding, and too proud of himself.” She described how he pressured her to have sex with him and how he didn’t support her faith. She hoped that he would change, but deep down, she said she knew that, “he wasn’t the one for me.”

My first thought was, “Isn’t the next step obvious?”

It’s a dead end relationship. It’s time to break up.

When I was sixteen years old, a friend of mine gave me the best dating advice I’ve ever received. He told me, “Every dating relationship ends in one of two ways—you either get married or you break up. If you know the person that you are dating is not the person that you are going to marry, end the relationship immediately. Waiting to end the relationship simply delays the inevitable.”

While this advice is simple, common sense, there is some subtle wisdom in the words. Too often, people get into relationships for all the wrong reasons or they stay in dead-end relationships due to some kind of emotional dependency. Dating should always have a purpose and the purpose of a dating relationship should always be to discern marriage. If, during the course of a dating relationship, you discover that the person you are dating is not a person that you would marry, you should end the relationship. The conclusion is inevitable—one way or another, if the relationship is not going to end in the lifelong commitment of marriage, then it is going to end in breakup.

Sometimes, we get comfortable in relationships and we don’t want to face the reality that it’s going nowhere. I knew a person who had been dating the same person for seven years. I asked her, “Do you think you are going to marry your boyfriend anytime soon?” She responded, “I still don’t know if he is the one for me.” I responded, “After seven years, you still don’t know?! That may be a clear sign that you aren’t supposed to be together.” It can take courage to move on from a long-term relationship. But you have to understand that the longer you stay connected to something that isn’t God’s plan for your life, the more difficult it becomes to find the vocation and path that He has for you.

Sometimes people ask me, “Isn’t it good to date lots of people? After all, how will you know what you are looking for unless you have tried dating a lot of different people?” There is nothing wrong with going on lots of dates—you certainly need to get “out there” if you are going to meet a future spouse. But a person who consistently jumps from bad relationship to bad relationship is not, “learning what they are looking for.” That is a person who is training themselves in the habit of bad relationships.

Not everything in a relationship is black and white—but one thing that should always be straightforward is the purpose of the relationship. If it is not heading toward marriage, then it’s not headed in a direction that you want to continue. Keep your eyes on the purpose and it will improve the quality of your relationships.

_____________________________________

Everett-Fritz-headshot3-840x1024Everett Fritz enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is one of the developers of the YDisciple program from the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Theology. He is publishing his first book with Ignatius Press and Lighthouse Catholic Media in the September 2015. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook, Twitter, and his website.

Filed Under: Dating

March 30, 2015 By Everett Fritz

Love Has Labels

There’s a campaign that has gone viral on YouTube recently called, “Love Has No Labels.” Chances are you have seen the video (at least 45 million have). The campaign attempts to encourage people to overcome their prejudices and to accept people for who they are because, “love is love.” I think most of us can agree that we want more love in the world and it is true, as the video asserts, that love has no gender, no age, no religion, no race, and no disability.

Last week, I saw this video shared all over my social media pages—with some people even stating how emotional they became from watching the video.

I watched it, and I don’t understand what the big deal is.

The overall message of overcoming prejudice and bias in favor of love is a positive message. But there’s a significant problem with the campaign—it doesn’t define love.

Ancient Greece understood that there are many different kinds of love. The Greeks distinguished between four different kinds of love: eros, philia, storge, and agape love. The highest form of love was agape—which means self-sacrificing love. Then, even within the definition of Agape, there are different forms, one of which is conjugal love—when two people become one. Conjugal love is marital love.

I usually try to stay out of the marriage debate. Too often, dialogue around the topic of marriage deteriorates into one big fight pitting Christianity against those who favor same-sex marriage and when the conversation deteriorates, both sides of the debate become guilty of losing sight of the dignity of the person that they are dialoguing with.

But is very important that when we speak of love, we understand that not all love is the same. We have to define it. And, if we are speaking of conjugal love (marriage) it certainly has labels. For example:

  • We can all agree that a 60-year-old man should not marry and be romantic with a 10-year-old girl. This means conjugal love has a “label” when it comes to one’s age.
  • We can all agree that a person can love their siblings, but they should not marry their brother or sister. This means, conjugal love has “label” when it comes to one’s family.
  • We can hopefully all agree that a person can only be married to one person at a time. Therefore, conjugal love has “label” when it comes to the number of spouses.

If someone wishes to marrying several people at once, or to marry a sibling or someone who you consider be too young to marry, it does not mean that you “hate” this person. It just means you believe marriage to be something, and their idea of a marriage contradicts it.

So, does conjugal love have a “label” when it comes to one’s gender? Two people of the same sex can certainly love one another—even experiencing Agape. In other words, they can will the good of the other and make sacrifices for him or her, and this is something that no one has a right to take away from them.

However, in order to determine if conjugal love has a label when it comes to gender, we need to define conjugal love. It is a freely chosen, lifelong, and faithful union of two people into one, ordered towards the giving of life. When a husband and wife become one flesh, their act is designed to create a third person. They physically experience a communion of persons—just as God is a communion of persons, of life-giving love. It is because of this reality, that St. Paul refers to marriage as a great Mystery, reflecting Christ’s love for the Church.

Some people wonder: “If one of the essential parts of marriage is that it needs to be ordered towards procreation, why does the Church allow infertile couples to marry? Isn’t it hypocritical to deny marriage to same sex couples because they can’t conceive?” Click this article and this video for explanations as to why this is not a contradiction.

Spreading a message of love is admirable. But the “Love has No Labels,” campaign misses the mark and continues to murky the waters when it comes to understanding conjugal love. The more people misunderstand love and marriage, the more we will see a movement in the world to re-define marriage. We are already seeing a movement toward “polyamorous” unions—where the word “throuples” is becoming accepted. It won’t be long until we see all sorts of variations of marriage. When we lose an understanding of conjugal love, we lose the ability to practice it and our entire civilization suffers without it. Love has labels, and we should respect that some labels have the power to teach the world about love.

[For a non-religious explanation of the definition of marriage, click here].
________________________________________

Everett-Fritz-headshot3-840x1024Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development and Promotion Lead for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute where he also holds an MA in Theology. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @everettfritz and http://everettfritz.com/

Filed Under: Church Teaching, LGBTQ, Marriage

January 24, 2015 By Everett Fritz

Did Pope Francis Really Say That?

I love Pope Francis and I know I’m not the only one. From the moment he was elected at the conclave nearly two years ago, it seems that everyone—including the media, the non-religious and the fallen-away Catholics—fell in love with him. He is simple, down to earth, and most importantly he has a heart for the poor and outcast.

I have had a lot of conversations with people who have a renewed interest in the Catholic Church because of Pope Francis. But with the renewed interest has come a lot of confusion as well. If I were only to consider what I have heard from media and from friends and family, I would think that Pope Francis has changed the teachings in the Catholic Church. In the past couple of months, I have heard several people say:

–       Pope Francis has changed many of the Church’s oldest teachings.

–       Pope Francis has declared that gay marriage is coming to the Catholic Church.

–       Pope Francis is going to be lifting the ban on contraception and all the other disliked teachings in the Church.

I can’t tell you how many people I have spoken with who believe that these changes have taken place and they are excited to see change. Forget Obama’s “Change we can believe in.” Here comes Pope Francis!

Unfortunately for these people, none of these changes are true and they are never going to happen.

For many who have left the Church, one of the biggest things that they are waiting for is change in teaching—in particular the Church’s sexual teachings. Whether it’s gay marriage, divorce, contraception, or chastity, there is no shortage of people advocating for the Catholic Church to change.

The problem is that this is impossible. The Pope understands that these teachings were handed down by Jesus Christ and the Church does not have the authority to change something that Jesus taught. The Pope doesn’t have the ability to change doctrine. Pope Francis can change the pastoral focus of the Church, he can emphasize different parts of Christ’s teaching, he can even change some of the disciplines in the Church, but the teachings of Christ cannot be changed by anyone—he has a responsibility to teach what Christ taught.

So why is it that so many people want to see the Church change its sexual teachings? The reality is – Jesus taught some difficult things and his difficult teachings are reflected in the Church’s sexual teachings. Consider this:

–       Committing to save sex until a lifetime commitment in marriage—that’s hard.

–       Relying upon self-control rather than birth control—that’s hard.

–       Entrusting same-sex attractions to God and committing to find intimacy in Him—that’s hard.

–       Loving your spouse in the worst of times (like you promised in your wedding vows) instead of getting divorced—that’s hard.

It is countercultural to believe that following the Church’s teachings will result in a greater experience of love in your life. It is only someone who pushes through the difficulty and comes out on the other side that discovers why God has given us these difficult teachings.

Someone might look at the sexual teachings of the Church and ask, “When did Jesus teach these things? Where can I find it in the Bible?” Although chapter-and-verse proof can be shown, the simplest answer is that the relationship between the “Bridegroom” and the “Bride” is interwoven throughout the Bible. From Adam and Eve in the first chapter of Genesis to the relationship between Christ and His Church in the final chapter of Revelation—the imagery of the Bridegroom and Bride is among the most important teachings in all of Christianity. If you don’t understand this imagery—you really don’t understand the Bible, or Christianity at all. God loves us like a Bridegroom loves his bride. It is in the light of this imagery that all of the Church’s teachings make sense. Because we’re made in the image and likeness of a God who is love, human love should reflect divine love. When it fails to do this, it ceases to be love.

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Everett-Fritz-headshot3-840x1024Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development and Promotion Lead for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute where he also holds an MA in Theology. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @everettfritz and http://everettfritz.com/

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0.

Filed Under: Dating

January 21, 2015 By Everett Fritz

To be Pro-Life, be Pro-Love

On January 22, hundreds of thousands of people will join together in Washington DC for the annual March for Life. January 22 is the anniversary of the Supreme Court decision Roe v. Wade, which legalized abortion in America—effectively ending the fundamental right to life in the land of the free. Since 1973, over 56 million American children have died in the womb due to the tragedy of abortion.

The March for Life in the country’s Capitol is one thing that we can all do to witness to the value of life, but I think it’s a mistake to think that the primary road to ending abortion is to wait for the government to overturn the legislation. That strategy requires waiting and patience—on government branches, no less.

Thankfully, we don’t need to wait on the government in order to build a culture of life. In his encyclical, Evangelium Vitae, Pope St. John Paul II refers to abortion and all life issues as a battle with the “Culture of Death.” What is a culture? It’s the very way of life of the people. Everything from the way that we dress, the music we listen to, the food that we eat, the way that we talk, and our core values and religion as people, makes up our culture. When John Paul II refers to a “Culture of Death,” he is saying that our civilization’s way of life builds to legalized abortion—it builds towards death. Or in other words, just as true love is life-giving, lust eventually leads to death (either physical or spiritual, or both).

Think about it. What are “pro-choice” advocates protecting when they advocate for abortion rights? They say that they want choices available for women and that the government shouldn’t have the ability to dictate to a woman what she can and can’t do with her body. But abortion isn’t about what a woman can and can’t do with her body. It’s about unjustly taking the life of another person. What the pro-choice movement refuses to recognize is that the argument for abortion rights isn’t about a woman’s right to her own body. It’s about protecting a woman’s “right” to her way of life and valuing that “right” over the fundamental right to life.

The reason why we have abortion in our country is because our culture wishes to give people the “right” to SEX WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. Our culture values this “right” above all other rights.

The way of life of the people in our country dictates that abortion must be an available option for all people because we don’t want to accept the responsibilities that inherently come with having sex. The number one reason for unwanted pregnancy in America is due to failure in contraception. This means that two people engaged in sexual activity and attempted to use contraception as a way to “protect” themselves from having the responsibility of accepting new life into their relationship. When contraception fails, abortion becomes the “safety net” to prevent the two people from accepting the responsibility for their actions. The way of life of our country inherently leads to a “Culture of Death” because our way of life requires that death be an option so that we can live as we wish.

So how can you build up a Culture of Life”? The nature of sex demands authentic responsibility. It’s not just the responsibility to accept new life if it is created, but also to love the person that you are with in a lifelong commitment of love. Sex requires maturity and responsibility. When you wait until marriage to have sex, you are waiting until you are ready to accept the responsibilities that sex requires of you. In this way, you change your way of life and you become one person working to change the culture.

The best way that you can build up a Culture of Life is to live chastity in your life.

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Everett-Fritz-headshot3-840x1024Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development and Promotion Lead for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute where he also holds an MA in Theology. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @everettfritz and http://everettfritz.com/

Filed Under: Dating

January 6, 2015 By Everett Fritz

How Do You Know When You’ve Found “The One?”

One of my favorite things to do when I have spare time is to catch a movie. There was no shortage of blockbuster movies this holiday season—and the one that I was most looking forward to was the final part of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit. There’s a scene in the movie where the elf Tauriel holds Kili the dwarf and they profess their love for one another. I chuckled a bit during this scene because I knew some of my friends, who were Tolkien purists, would absolutely hate it. Tauriel is not a character in J.R.R. Tolkien’s book—she was made up by Director Peter Jackson for the purposes of adding a female character and a love story subplot into the movie. Some fans of the Hobbit didn’t want to see such huge creative liberties taken on such an amazing story. As for me, I understand why Peter Jackson added the character—every Hollywood movie needs a love story.

Think about it: when was the last time that you went to a movie and there wasn’t some sort of relationship subplot and love story worked into the movie? It’s the one common theme that you will find in almost any movie—regardless of the genre. Hollywood understands that the viewing public will get bored if there isn’t a love story—so you can find one in almost any movie. Why do we get bored? Because love—the kind of love that is selfless, giving, intimate and fulfilling—is what God made us for. Love is the deepest desire of every person and many people will spend the better part of their early life looking for “the one” who will fulfill this deep desire for love and happiness.

Unfortunately, finding “the one” isn’t as easy as Hollywood makes it seem. Our desires for love and romance can lead us astray—sometimes into relationships and situations where we wish the person that we are dating would be “the one,” but in fact, the relationship ends in heartbreak and confusion. Relationships are messy, and making a lifelong commitment to another person for better or worse is a pretty big deal. So how do you know when you have found “the One?” Here are a few things to consider:

They challenge and inspire you to become the person you were created to be.

A relationship that is worth a lifelong commitment is a relationship that brings out the absolute best in both of you. Marriage is a vocation. A vocation is the process of discovering who God has created you to be. Therefore, if you are with the person that God has intended for your life, that person will motivate, inspire, and challenge you every day to become the best person you can be.

They won’t give your their body without giving you themselves.

Sex is intended by God to be a physical expression of love that communicates the promises of a lifelong commitment. That’s a fancy way of saying that sex renews your wedding vows. A man or woman who wishes to engage in intercourse (or sexual expressions intended to lead up to intercourse) before they make a lifelong commitment in marriage is not worth your time. Expect them to give you everything and not just their body.

God gives his blessing to your relationship.

God has made you and your future spouse for each other. You cannot know if the person you are with is God’s plan for your life unless you pray (and pray together). The closer you get to Christ’s heart, the more self-aware you become of your own heart. Also, always remember St. Ignatius Loyola’s advice, “Never make serious decisions when in a state of spiritual desolation.” This means that God, not simply your emotions, should guide the major decisions in your life. Trust in God, grow closer to His heart every day, and he will reveal His plan for you.

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Everett-Fritz-headshot3-840x1024Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development and Promotion Lead for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute where he also holds an MA in Theology. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @everettfritz and http://everettfritz.com/

Filed Under: Dating

November 18, 2014 By Everett Fritz

3 Keys to Save your Future Marriage

There is a tendency among those who have not yet committed to a vocation to assume that they are called to marriage because they don’t feel called to priesthood and religious life. The problem with this mentality is that you are discerning a vocation to marriage based on a process of elimination—or default. Matrimony is a vocation, meaning that it’s a calling from God and it requires the same level of discernment and formation that a call to the priesthood or religious life requires.

The vocational problem that I see among some of my single friends is that many of them live a very uncommitted lifestyle. That is not to say that they are impure and not living chastity. Rather, they live their lives with a lack of purpose and their lifestyle isn’t in pursuit of anything. They go from one social gathering to another, never truly finding a mission for their life, and never preparing for the vocation that God will be calling them to. If I were to give advice to my single friends, I would encourage them to prepare for their calling, by seeking better formation as a person. Here are three things to consider:

1. Wounds that you bring into your marriage can negatively impact your relationship.

Every person carries emotional wounds in their life. Wounds can come from sin that you have committed in your life, events that have happened in your life, or wounds in your family of origin. If you bring these wounds into your marriage, they can play out again in your marriage and in your children’s lives. Recently, I realized that I was a person that had a hard time with accepting blame. In my family of origin, I learned that you could either blame someone else for a problem or you could be blamed, and as a result, I had a hard time accepting blame for a wrongdoing in my own family. This is a wound that needed healing—and it’s a wound that I carried into my family.

2. Chastity is necessary for love.

A couple that lacks in chastity will face marital problems. It amazes me how many of my single friends hold the misconception that marriage will be a cure-all for sexual impurity. They believe that sex with their spouse will cure their pornography addiction or that “pushing the limits,” with their boyfriend or girlfriend won’t have that much of an impact on their future marriage. St. John Paul II said, “Only the chaste man and chaste woman are capable of love.” The behaviors and attitudes that you develop prior to marriage will always be carried over into marriage. By participating in sexual impurity now, you are mortgaging your future happiness in your marriage. Sex is intended for a lifelong commitment. Putting sex before the commitment can lead to resentment, hurt and a need for healing later on in your marriage.

3. Get Ready: Marriage is Exceptionally Difficult.

I think there is a tendency in our culture to place the burden of our hope for happiness entirely on the shoulders of another person. Many have the perception around marriage that, “I have a deep desire to love and be loved. Therefore, when I find my soul-mate I will be happy.” God made us for union with Him and only He can fulfill our deep desires for happiness. When we place our desires for happiness entirely on another imperfect person, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. The reality is, marriage is extremely difficult—perhaps more difficult than any other vocation. Two people—who are separate and distinct from one another—are tasked with responsibility of becoming, “one” and leading each other and their children to Heaven. This responsibility requires constant acts and decisions of love, self-sacrifice and forgiveness. This is NOT easy and every marriage faces struggles and challenges that either results in a separation of and division among the spouses or a husband and wife dying to self and becoming more holy and unified together. Matrimony is a vocation that sanctifies two people and their children, and that can sometimes be a painful process.

God has a plan for your life and for your purpose on earth. If you do not know the mission that he has given you in your life, don’t fret. It will come with time and prayer. Preparing for your vocation requires daily diligence to seek God’s healing and guidance for your life.

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Everett Fritz - headshot3Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development and Promotion Lead for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Theology from the Augustine Institute.Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @Efritzfritz1 and http://everettfritz.com/

Filed Under: Dating

September 9, 2014 By Everett Fritz

I Love You – BUT DON’T TOUCH ME!

Does this sound familiar?:

“Sex is bad and dirty and it angers God if you do it before you get married. You must practice self-control by never thinking about sex, lest you anger God and violate his commands in the Bible. Sex should only be experienced in marriage, in which case then a married couple can have at it as much as they want.”

This, of course, IS NOT Catholic teaching—however, it can sometimes be an outsider’s perspective of a Christian’s understanding of sex. What disturbs me, however, is when I see good Christians take this understanding of their sexuality. I see this, on occasion, when couples practice abstinence in their relationship apart from chastity.

Chastity is the virtue which allows you to express your sexuality according to God’s designs. It is what enables the human person to express their sexuality as an act of love instead of an act of using another person as a means to an end. Abstinence is simply saying no, or abstaining, from sex. Abstinence is a necessary part of chastity, but shouldn’t be practiced apart from chastity.

Problems can arise within a relationship or within a person, when the sexual appetite is treated as something inherently bad and evil, instead of something that must be tempered for the sake of love. I’ll give you a few examples of people who I think take abstinence too far:

–        I recently heard a story of a 17 year old boy and girl who were dating. They got in trouble because they had “crossed second base.” What had they done? The boy had put his arm over the girl’s shoulder.

–        I have a female friend who recently spoke at a conference where someone approached her and asked her why she would speak on chastity while also leading men into sin with the way that she dressed. What body part was exposed? Her elbows.

–        I recently saw a video where an engaged couple stated that they hadn’t expressed any physical intimacy other than a side hug.

–        I recently heard a young woman tell me how she was struggling with chastity and that she just couldn’t control her thoughts. She said, “I just need to get myself to a point where I never think about sex!”

It is impossible for me to judge the hearts and intentions of these people and their relationships. But, when I hear stories like these, my first thought is that these people don’t have a healthy understanding of God’s plan for their sexuality—and they are trying to repress their sexual appetites rather than live them out according to God’s plan.

Don’t get me wrong; it is commendable and encouraging to find couples and individuals who strive for the virtue of chastity. For the chaste couple, the relationship needs boundaries and those boundaries need to be agreed upon by both parties in a relationship. The reason why you set physical boundaries in a chaste, dating relationship is because it is an act of love. The reason why you dress modestly is so that a person looks at you and sees a person rather than body parts. It is also true that when setting boundaries or dressing modestly, it is better to err on the side of being too conservative. But there is huge difference between saying, “no” to sex and saying “yes” to love.

When I was doing my undergraduate studies in theology, someone asked my marriage professor what he thought of couples who saved kissing for marriage. He replied, “There is nothing wrong with saving kissing until marriage provided the intention is for the right reasons. But there is something very wrong with having an attitude toward your beloved of ‘I love you—BUT DON’T TOUCH ME!’” His point was very clear; chastity should be practiced as an act of love. When practiced, it brings freedom and blessing into a person’s life.

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Everett Fritz - headshot3Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @Efritzfritz1 and http://everettfritz.com/

 

Filed Under: Dating

July 21, 2014 By Everett Fritz

Four keys to finding love (for men)

Even though I am a man, I find it much more difficult to coach men instead of women in the area of love. Learning lessons about love and manhood requires a certain amount of self-reflection. Learning to be a man who loves requires sitting at the cross and learning from the King, who both created us as men and embodied manhood in his own flesh.

Several days ago, I wrote a blog called, “Four Keys to Finding Love (for women).” I’ve been married for 8 years, following 4+ years of courtship. The lessons that I have learned about women and love I owe entirely to the lessons that I have learned in trying to love my wife.

I had to sit and reflect for a while to think of the parallel for men. What would I tell men about finding real love? Here is what I came up with:

Your strength is not found in what you do, but in who you are.

Men identify with strength as something that is desirable to have—and rightly so. God made man to have strength. Our bodies are generally physically stronger than women (although Kacy Catanzaro could kick my butt) and because we find our strength in our body, we can be tempted to value our worth based only in what we can accomplish with the work of our bodies. But strength and worth is not about what we do—we cannot earn our worth and strength. Strength is found in becoming a man of virtue and integrity. It is success at becoming a great man versus becoming a big deal.

Women should be cherished for who they are and not what they can do for you.

Our culture teaches men that women are something to be conquered. A real man doesn’t conquer a woman’s beauty—he cherishes and protects it. Women are people with hopes, dreams and the ability to love and be loved. When we treat them as objects for pleasure—whether it is in a relationship or through fantasy and pornography—we cripple our capacity to love because we make a person a means to an end instead of a person to be valued and loved.

Stay away from women who place their desires for happiness entirely on your shoulders.

There is an enormous difference between hoping that your future spouse will lead you to happiness and being convinced that your future spouse will bring you happiness. Many women have fallen for the Prince Charming lie. They are sitting around and waiting for a guy to come and marry them so they can live happily ever after. Women who fall for this lie become emotionally dependent on men and their integrity is easily compromised. A woman that you can take to the altar is a woman that has been there many times before. That’s because she understands that her future happiness lies with Christ in eternity and she is willing to place her trust in you to take her to Him.

A relationship with God will teach you how to love.  It is the most important accomplishment that you will ever have.

St. Paul told men to love their wives as Christ loves the Church (Ephesians 5). Jesus washed the feet of the Church. He sacrificed and died for the Church. When we spend our lives sitting at the foot of the cross in prayer—we learn to do the same for the women that we love.

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Everett Fritz - headshot3Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @Efritzfritz1 and http://everettfritz.com/

Filed Under: Dating

July 14, 2014 By Everett Fritz

Four keys to finding love (for women)

A little over a year ago, my wife and I gave birth to our third child—our first baby girl. While I love each of my children in their own unique way, I will say that having a daughter does something to you as a father. You worry more about your daughter. You feel an increased desire to begin collecting guns and other assorted weapons. Even more so, I have noticed that life lessons are different for boys and girls. The lessons that I want to teach my sons are very different than the lessons that I hope my daughter will one day understand.

My daughter is too young to read, but these are a few lessons I hope to communicate to her as she grows up.

There are boys who will “love” you for your body and there are boys who will love you for who you are.

Not every boy has the best of intentions. There are some boys who will only express interest in you because of what you can do for them. There are others who will love you for the person that you are and will respect your body. Boys will sometimes lie to get what they want—you cannot distinguish between a boy’s intentions based on his words alone. His actions will tell you his character.

It is OK to desire to be led by a man.

The world will tell you that femininity means you are strong and independent and that you don’t need anyone to lead you. This is a not entirely true. Jesus extended the invitation to each one of his disciples to, “Come, follow me.” We all need to be led, especially when we hit the rough patches in our lives. The greatest strength and freedom that you will ever find is in being in relationship with Jesus Christ. The same principle can be applied to a relationship. A man leads you to a deeper relationship with Christ is a man that is worth following.

Being single is something to be cherished and valued, not wished away.

Too many days of a young woman’s life can be wished away by waiting for Prince Charming. The reality is, the time in your life that you are single is a short period of time in your life. This time is very valuable for you to learn about yourself, to grow as an individual and to enjoy certain freedoms that you will never be able to have once you are married and a mother. Cherish this time in your life and don’t worry about waiting for Mr. Right. Love will find you in its own time.

A relationship with God is more important than anything a boy could ever give you.

This life is only a blink of an eye in comparison to the time spent with Christ in eternity. The goal of this life and every vocation in this life is growing in intimacy with God. Marriage—when lived according to God’s plan—witnesses and elevates intimacy with God. A boy should never replace intimacy with God with intimacy with himself. A relationship with a boy that is properly ordered should always elevate your intimacy with God. Boyfriends—at least the kind that are worth marrying—should seek to enhance your relationship with God, not pull you away from Him.

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Everett Fritz - headshot3Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @Efritzfritz1 and http://everettfritz.com/

Filed Under: Dating, Finding Love

June 18, 2014 By Everett Fritz

No, I will not accept this rose

ABC’s hit reality television show—The Bachelorette—is currently in its 10th season. Coupled with the original hit show, The Bachelor—which has 18 seasons of its own—this series has been on television for 28 seasons. The premise of The Bachelorette is that 25 men compete for the affections of one woman. Each week, the one woman whittles the field of men down until, eventually, there is a marriage proposal at the end of the show. Every week millions of viewers tune in (demographics show that the viewership is mostly women) to watch as a woman’s fairytale dreams become a reality.

A couple of years ago, I watched an episode of this series. It was awful. There’s a reason why these people are single. While the premise of the television show is about helping two people find real love, you wouldn’t know it from the show. The bachelor or bachelorette frequently make-out or even hook up with multiple participants in the show—only to then break up with them on television. Because one person is essentially dating multiple people at the same time, the show lends itself to situations of jealousy, backstabbing and drama among contestants. In addition to being promiscuous with their bodies, the participants are emotionally unchaste—with one person leading many people to believe that he/she is in love with multiple people. Everything about the show speaks of romance in search of love, but none of the show’s contestants know the first thing about love.

But the couples on the show are not my biggest concern. My biggest concern is for the millions that tune in every week to watch the show. The romantic destinations and setups, the chance to watch two people grow in love with one another and the ability to root for favorites make the show must watch every week. For the hopeless romantic, reality shows like The Bachelorette can really suck you in. Television shows like The Bachelorette are successful ratings grabbers because people love a good love story.

But what makes the show dangerous is just that—we can get sucked into watching something that isn’t a love story.

Consider this: Of the show’s 28 seasons on television, only four couples are still together. The average relationship lasts only one month after the show airs on television. For all the talk about finding true love, the show has a terrible track record for matchmaking. Every season is filmed over the course of about 6 weeks. This means that contestants who get engaged at the end of a show have only known each other for a month and a half. During the month and half that the couple knows each other, their relationship is filled with drama, jealousy, promiscuity and confusion. This is not a recipe for love.

When we tune in to watch all of this unfold, we can delude ourselves into thinking that what we are watching is love. The trap is set and we get caught up in it. The problem is that the only thing that we can learn from watching failed relationships is how to have a failed relationship. If we regularly expose ourselves to a fake love story, we begin to expect similar unrealistic expectations in our own lives.

Love is about a mutual self-gift and willing the good of the other. When we get trapped into believing that shows like The Bachelorette are about love, we twist our own understanding of love into something that love is not. When it comes to the Bachelorette and other shows like it, sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is just tune out.

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Everett Fritz - headshot3Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @Efritzfritz1

Filed Under: Dating

April 25, 2014 By Everett Fritz

My Encounter with John Paul the Great

Nine years ago, I found myself in Rome, waiting in line with millions of people, hoping to get a glimpse of the late Pope John Paul II. John Paul was a hero of mine and I happened to be traveling through Europe when he passed away. I immediately changed my plans and traveled to be part of the celebration and mourning of this great saint. The scene in Rome was surreal. The line into St. Peter’s stretched all the way out of Vatican City, across the Tiber River and around the neighborhoods of Rome. People were singing, chanting for John Paul II and there were homemade signs and flowers all over the Vatican that said Santo subito! [Saint now!].

After several hours of waiting, I arrived inside St. Peter’s, where I had a few moments to pay my respects to the late John Paul II. I’ll never forget the moment, because I broke down sobbing. John Paul II had an enormous impact on my life, which is remarkable considering this was the only time I had ever come in contact with him.

“Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of love.” – John Paul II

Everyone loved John Paul II. His impact on the world was immeasurable. He was instrumental in fall of communism in Eastern Europe. He revolutionized the Church in the post-Vatican II era. He traveled more than any pope in human history, bringing the joy of the Gospel to millions. John Paul had endeared himself to the youth; he was the founder of World Youth Day.

For me, his greatest work was his teachings on human sexuality. No pope in the history of the Church has written or spoken more about love and sexuality than John Paul II. As a young priest, John Paul spent time with married couples, learning from their example and their witness within their vocation. As a Cardinal, he wrote Love and Responsibility, a masterpiece on the defense of Catholic teaching in the realm of the family and sexual ethic. He wrote a play called The Jeweler’s Shop, where the protagonists and story revolved around the relationship and challenges of a marriage. These early works by John Paul demonstrated his great love and devotion to marriage and the family, as well as giving a pastoral understanding and inspiration to all people in the area of sexuality.

“Love consists of a commitment which limits one’s freedom – it is a giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one’s freedom on behalf of another.” – Karol Wojtyla (John Paul II)

It was no surprise then, that in his first five years as Pope, John Paul II gave a weekly address to Christians in his Wednesday audiences on the topics of love, sexuality, marriage and the family. This five year labor of love became known as The Theology of the Body—perhaps one of the greatest works ever in Christianity. In an era when all of Western Civilization had become entrenched in the Sexual Revolution and the common perception of Christian sexual ethics was that Christian teaching was puritan and out of touch, John Paul II stood before the world and pastorally offered a different understanding of our sexuality. He taught us about God’s plan for us as male and female and helped us understand the unique expression of love that occurs when “the two become one flesh.” He taught us that sex is an expression of love that communicates the vows of Holy Matrimony and images the love of Christ for His Church. John Paul taught us how to love and encouraged us in chaste living so that we might discover both God’s beautiful plan for love and sex and God’s amazing plan for our lives. John Paul’s courageous example, witness and teachings have inspired millions in a renewal of chastity, marital fidelity and the renewal of the family across the world.

I’ll never forget the first time I heard the teachings of John Paul II in his Theology of the Body. I was a freshmen in college and I was dating the love of my life. I had just committed to abstinence in my life but something was missing in my relationship with my girlfriend and my practice of chastity. I was simply saying “no” to sex, but I did not understand how to truly love my girlfriend in a way that was proper for our relationship. It wasn’t until we both attended a seminar on the Theology of the Body that chastity made sense to me. The Theology of the Body opened my eyes to understand how to love my girlfriend and what my mission was as we journeyed toward marriage. I have a deep gratitude for John Paul II—for how he inspired me and for how he taught me how to love.

St. John Paul II, pray for us.

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everettfritzEverett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He currently works for YDisciple and holds degrees in theology from the Augustine Institute and Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three amazing children. Follow Everett on Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter – @Efritzfritz1

Filed Under: Dating

March 3, 2014 By Everett Fritz

Challenging the Chastity Message

I grew up attending Catholic high schools – which meant that I frequently heard chastity presentations as a member of the student body. I’d like to say that I was receptive to the message, but actually I was just the opposite. I recall walking out of a session when I was 16 and I was angry. I didn’t want to be told how to live my life – I was perfectly “happy” in my own private “impurities.”

Resentment of chastity has become a common thread in our society. Some argue that chastity is harmful to the psychological well-being of men and women. Sexual desire is natural, it is said. Therefore, it is unnatural to restrict it in any way. If two people love each other, shouldn’t they be able to express that love with their sexuality – isn’t chastity the enemy to love?

Let’s examine the message of chastity a little closer. Is chastity the enemy to love? I think about it, the message of chastity has five key principles:

Chastity believes that sex communicates love. Sex is about the relationship between a man and a woman. Sex, when properly expressed, is extremely emotional, unifying, and life-giving within a relationship.

Chastity believes that sex is a great responsibility and only within marriage can it be properly expressed. Your body makes a promise, even if you don’t. Sex is unitive and procreative—meaning that it unites a couple together and it has the ability to create life. Both are great responsibilities and a couple should never be separated once they have entered into this responsibility together. In marriage, a couple can share their bodies with one another because they have made a lifelong commitment to share their entire lives with one another.

Chastity believes in the good of the other over personal gratification. To take sex out of the context of a lifelong commitment is to try to separate the meaning and union of sex from the gratification that it brings. When a person seeks gratification apart from responsibility or lifelong commitment, they are ultimately seeking only what is pleasurable/good for them – which is selfish and not loving.

Chastity believes in trusting God’s plan. God is the author of sex and therefore he has a plan for it. It is neither healthy nor recommendable to operate outside of God’s plan. Chastity requires patience—it requires waiting for God to reveal his plan for your vocation and to unite you with your spouse. Waiting can be difficult—but it is also what is most fulfilling.

Chastity believes that virtue leads to freedom and joy. A virtue is a habitual and firm disposition to do the good. In chastity, you create the good of having pure and loving intentions toward your spouse/future spouse. When you are married, this purity of intention carries into your relationship and blesses and fulfills it. When you have mastered your desires, you have the ability to freely give of yourself to another person. Chastity is about freedom and joy.

If you look at the five principles, you will see a few common themes in the message: love, patience, virtue, selflessness, sacrifice, freedom and joy. Chastity promises all good things that any person should want and desire.

So, if the message of chastity is good, why was I angry when I heard the message in high school? I was angry because I knew that I wasn’t living chastity and that I was being called to change my behaviors. The message was difficult to hear and I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong in the way that I was living my life. It wasn’t until I started to see how my impure desires were hurting the people that I loved that I decided I needed to journey to purity.

If you have ever been personally challenged by the message of chastity, I challenge you to surrender to the message and question your behaviors. Learning to live a chaste life was life changing for me and the virtue of chastity promises many, many blessings in your life.

______________________________

everettfritzEverett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children.

Filed Under: Dating

February 10, 2014 By Everett Fritz

When is your relationship ready for sex?

I came across a quiz in Seventeen magazine (don’t ask why I was reading it) – asking the question, “Are you ready for sex?” I was intrigued, so I took the quiz. Thankfully, the quiz determined that I was in fact ready. So how did Seventeen magazine determine that I was able and ready to take this step in my life? I was asked questions like:

–        How long have you been with your boyfriend?

–        Have you ever discussed birth control or condoms?

–        You know your guy loves you because…?

A twelve year old could have answered these questions and the quiz would have determined that they were ready to “go for it.” I think a better criteria was needed for the quiz to impart any real wisdom.

Have you ever noticed the lack of clarity around this question? It would seem like an important question to have an objective answer to. When is a relationship ready for sex? Regardless of where your opinion falls, most everyone would agree that sex has the power to bring a man and woman together in love and is a very important part of a romantic relationship between a man and a woman. At the same time, everyone could probably think of many couples who were “in love” before a sexual relationship drove them apart or created great conflict in their relationship.

The most common response to this question about sex tends to be, “it’s different for everyone. You have sex when you and your partner both feel ready.” But what does that mean? That would appear to be too subjective to give any real clarity. Biologically, your body is “ready” for sex when you reach adolescence. But that doesn’t mean that’s when you should start having sex. There is great emotional responsibility involved in entering into a sexual relationship. What happens if the relationship ends and the two people have now given of themselves in deep intimacy and now they no longer want anything to do with one another? What happens if they conceive a child and they are only teenagers? Trusting your feelings and following emotions would not appear to be the best criteria for making such an important decision. Although feelings are misleading, the responsibilities that follow sexual intimacy are very real. It would seem that sex should be reserved for two people who aren’t simply in love, but who are in a lifelong relationship and are ready to accept responsibility.

It’s not enough to be “in love.” After all, there are varying degrees of love. What if you are “deeply in love,” and you “just know” that you will be together forever? You may feel “ready” for sex, but you could fill an ocean with the tears cried by people who had sex and were deeply in love, only to find themselves separated months later.

Is there an objective criteria to answer this question? Is there a full-proof measurement to determine when you are ready to have sex? I think so, or at least, I know when I knew that I was ready.

When I loved a woman in my life so much that I could proclaim that love to her father and asked for the responsibility to care for his daughter for the rest of my life – I knew I was ready. When I loved a woman in my life so much that I could proclaim my love to her – in front of all of her friends and family and God Himself – I knew I was ready. When I could vow my entire life to a woman’s service and to the service of our future children, in good times and bad, sickness and health – I knew I was ready. My love for her had to be so strong and so devoted that it could only make sense in the context of a lifelong self-gift. I found that a commitment of our bodies to one another must be preceded by a commitment of our entire lives to one another.

How do you know if you are ready to have sex? Is there an objective criteria to answer that question? I think there is.

If you are not married, you are not ready for sex.

_______________________________________

everettfritzEverett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children.

Filed Under: Dating

January 28, 2014 By Everett Fritz

Four Things I Learned while Battling Masturbation

It has always been interesting to me that many young men and women struggle with masturbation, but seldom will you find people talk or write about it. As a teenager, I struggled with masturbation and when I look back and reflect on the journey that led me to freedom from my sin, I realize there were several life lessons that challenged me.

 Like many young men and women, I justified my behavior because I thought I wasn’t hurting anyone. Around my junior year of high school, a series of events in my life led me to become motivated to try and stop. I suppose I may have seen it as a challenge. It wasn’t until I began battling the sin that I realized how much I was enslaved to this behavior. Why was masturbation a problem? I couldn’t stop – and having no control over my actions was something that scared me. Looking back on that time in my life, I realize that sexual sin had infected everything in my mindset, my relationships and my personal identity. The scariest thing that I discovered about myself is that I had grown cold to love. My sexual behavior had led me to treat every woman that I met as an object to feed my lust instead of a person to be treated with love, dignity and respect.

The battle took time, but there were several things that I learned while dealing with my own sexual sin:

Purity is impossible without grace. When I first tried to stop, I routinely failed. It wasn’t until I started praying that I began to find some strength and support. I began to turn to the sacraments as a place for accountability and support and I quickly realized that, while the chains to my sin were not something that I could break on my own, with God’s grace, I found strength that I did not realize that I had.

The Battle is won in the mind. Masturbation and other sexual sins are bad habits – and like any bad habit, it sometimes only takes a few weeks to change the habit. The real battle is in the mind. Before the action ever happens, the imagination leads a person to lust and the action of sexual sin follows the thoughts that preceded them. In order to cut off the action, you have to battle in your mind. This is best accomplished by eliminating pornography, trashy shows and lonely behaviors and replacing them with positive friendships, encouraging media and messages, Scripture and healthy habits.

You will find confidence every time you win a battle. The more often you defeat temptation, the more you will find confidence that you can win every time that temptation comes. At first, the battle against lust is very difficult, because you are not accustomed to resisting temptation. Every time you win a battle, your confidence increases and the power of the temptation decreases. If you win the battle consistently, you will find the temptation to lust loses its power and eventually, goes away almost entirely.

It is better on the other side of the battle. I will never forget the moment when I realized that this habitual lust no longer had power over me. It was a life changing realization of freedom. The experience of joy and freedom was so tangible that I gave my entire life over to God – I had discovered that the love of God in my life and His blessings were far greater than the chains of addiction that had enslaved me for years.

______________________

Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children.

 

Filed Under: Masturbation, Porn, etc.

December 4, 2013 By Everett Fritz

5 Secrets to Successful Dating

There is a strange phenomenon that has happened in our culture, where the elderly, weathered and wise have been labeled as “old” and “obsolete”. We are one of the few cultures in the history of civilization that does not value the elderly for their wisdom. You would think that people would want advice from someone who has been through all of the struggles and trials of this life.

The same can be said for dating and relationships. I once heard a young man challenge an article that I had written on relationships saying that he knew more about women than I did because he had dated 15 different women in the past year. Being in a lot of failed relationships is more of an indictment than it is a badge of honor. Consider this, who would you rather receive marriage advice from? A person that has been divorced 5 times or a person that has been married for 50 years?

I can’t say that I am an expert in dating and relationships, but I have figured a few things out over the course of my life. I married my high school sweet-heart, we were best friends before we dated and were both virgins when we married. I dated her for four and a half years (all the way through college – 2 years long distance). We have been married for over 7 years and have 3 beautiful children. Here are a few things I figured out along the way that aided my relationship. These messages are not your typical dating advice.

1. Every relationship ends in one of two ways.

A dating relationship either ends in marriage or break-up. Rare is it that you meet a person that has been dating the same person for 30 years. If you know that the person that you are dating is not a person that you want to marry, you need to end the relationship. The conclusion is inevitable, and delaying it for any other reason simply creates a climate for a bad relationship. Keeping this principle in mind will instantly raise your standards for the kind of person that you are willing to date and give your relationship purpose (discerning marriage).

2. Your dating relationship is not the most important relationship you will ever have.

Every marriage relationship ends when “death parts you.” At the moment of death, you will meet the person that you were created for and will spend the rest of eternity with – Jesus Christ. A dating relationship should build up your relationship with Jesus, not pull you away from it. Prayer in your relationship is one of the most important things you will ever do as a couple.

3. Never make decisions in a state of spiritual desolation.

This is a principle of St. Ignatius Loyola. It means that important decisions in your life (like who you date) should not be made without prayer. If you don’t know what God is trying to lead you to because you cannot hear Him, then you shouldn’t be making important life decisions.

4. It’s okay to be single.

Seriously, it is. Love finds us in God’s time. When you date with purpose, you tend to date fewer people, but for longer periods of time.

5. Chastity is necessary for love.

When a person has not learned to master their sexual desires – but are instead mastered by their desires – their desires are inherently selfish. Selfishness and love are two things that do not go together. Chastity dictates that you love a person so much that you will the good for them. Sex only makes sense in the context of marriage, because it is in marriage that you give your entire life and self to the other person. Doing that in body – through sex – without first doing it in sacrament, speaks a lie to the other person. I can honestly say that there is no way that my wife and I would have ever married if we didn’t constantly pursue and practice purity in our dating relationship.

Dating is not a complicated practice – it’s a discernment process for marriage. What complicates the practice of dating is the brokenness, impurity or unreasonable expectations that a person brings into a relationship. If you struggle with dating the right person or finding the right person, find someone who lives a happy and healthy marriage, and follow their lead.

_______________________________________

everettfritzEverett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children.

Filed Under: Dating

October 7, 2013 By Everett Fritz

Where are the real men?

I was at an amusement park with my kids recently, where I observed a guy and a girl holding hands. The couple couldn’t have been older than 15.The girl led the guy up to a booth where the goal was to knock over a stack of bottles with a baseball. If you knock over the bottles, you win a big stuffed teddy bear. I watched as the girl looked up at her boyfriend, smiled at him and said, “Will you win me a prize?” The boy took out $5, handed it to her and replied, “you do it.” That was not what this girl had in mind. The girl pleaded with him for a second, but it was no use. She ended up – half-heartedly – throwing the ball herself and left with no prize. The girl was disappointed, the boy was clueless and I was dumbfounded. Someone needed to throw a ball at this boy’s head. This girl had no interest in playing a silly carnival game or winning a big, teddy bear. She wanted this boy to win her heart–and he had failed miserably.

When it comes to love and relationships, I think young men have lost their way. I cannot tell you how many amazing and beautiful young women ask me, “Where do I find a good man?” I never have a good answer for them. Young men have no confidence in leading a woman (unless he is leading her to his bedroom). I once heard of a priest who gave a homily on a college campus where he started out by asking, “How many girls in this Church have been asked out on a date this week?’ After surveying the handful of hands that went up, the priest spent the rest of the homily scolding the young men in the room for not asking girls out on a date.

Why is it so important that young men learn how to lead a woman? Consider these points:

Women want to be led to Heaven.

St. Paul said to husbands, “Love your wives as Christ loves the Church.” Just as Christ invites the Church to “follow him” to Heaven, so do women look to men to be led to Heaven. Seldom will you find a woman that prefers to initiate an invitation for a first date, a marriage proposal, or any other courtship within a relationship. God created men with the purpose of guiding a relationship toward Him, and men today are dropping the ball in this regard.

A man’s own security provides strength and encouragement for women.

In many cases, guys will say that they don’t approach women because of fear of rejection. That fear is what turns women off in the first place. When a man knows where he is going and what he is pursuing (Christ) he will not live approach a potential relationship with fear. Women want men who are secure in who they are and how God made them.

A good man provides witness to others.

One of the reasons why young men are so lost in a relationship is because there are not enough real men to provide a real example of Christian manhood. The problem of manhood will never be solved until more men step up and answer the call to lead. Until then, women will constantly be asking the question, “where are all the real men?”

_______________________________________

everettfritzEverett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children.

Filed Under: Dating

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