Chastity

Promoting the Virtue of Chastity

Ashley Ackerman

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Reproductive Rights: How to Not Help a Sister Out

I’ve often heard, “In order to “help” my sisters, I should support them in all of their Reproductive Right endeavors.” But what happens when giving a woman access to all of these things actually impedes her freedom?

Let me explain by way of an analogy. Let’s say I buy you a car for your birthday, but I don’ t teach you how to use the car. You sort of figure out how to drive, but you get in an accident. To remedy this, you ask me to build bumpers on the road, and walls near cliffs, to help you. This will allow you to drive the car as you see fit, and the barriers will keep you from driving off the road.

I oblige, and off you go.

Despite my assistance on the road, your car continues to be totally wrecked because you keep running into bumpers and walls. You’re driving the car, but you’re relying more on the barriers than your own ability, because I still haven’t taught you how to use the brakes.

If I had taught you how the car works – how to use the brakes, gas, blinker, what the lines on the road mean, etc. – you’d have been a lot better off. You could have driven the car well, avoiding flat tires, scrapes, banged up mirrors, and more, if I had just shown you how to operate this vehicle in the first place. Had I shown you how to use the car’s features appropriately, you would have been able to use the car to its full potential. You could have driven it down any road you wanted. You could have waited at the edge of the cliff, taking it all in (and maybe even listening to some cool music) as they built a bridge across it for your safety.

Instead, I let you recklessly go, hitting things, hurting others, and even hurting yourself. Maybe you’d have figured it out eventually, or maybe not. Either way, you and I both thought I was doing you a favor in building the walls and bumpers, but because you never actually learned how to use the car, or what the car was worth, you couldn’t really enjoy it.

The same is true with Reproductive Rights. Birth control, abortion, and contraception all say to women: “Hey, you don’t know how to operate yourself. Let’s put up walls, bumpers, and more, to prevent you from harming others and yourself.”

The reality is that as a woman, I have all these amazing built-in signs to show me how my body works. I have a brain that thinks and operates in such a way that I can make a choice to do, or not do, something. I don’t need someone to hold my hand and tell me that I have no control over myself. In order to be free, I need to understand myself, and choose to use the brakes, rather than a wall, to exercise that freedom. This is what caring for my sisters is really about: showing her what she was made for, has the power to do, and how to do it well.

Ladies, your body is made to do amazing things! And the wonderful gift that YOU are – body, heart, mind, and soul – is to be shared with someone equally wonderful. Letting you “drive” your heart and body all over the place, hurting yourself and others, doesn’t uplift your dignity, or the dignity of anyone else. It causes more pain and anguish.

Waiting on the edge of the cliff for the bridge to be built may seem like an eternity, just like waiting for the right guy to come along to marry us feels like an eternity of  saying “no” to sexual intimacy with others. But just like waiting for the security of the bridge before driving across the canyon is totally worth it (and actually saves our lives), so is waiting for the right man to lay down his life at the altar for you. It is worth putting on the brakes until he arrives. If we wait well, we won’t regret it, and we will possess our own selves, living authentic, true freedom in the process.

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ash

Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

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Gender Theory and Loving Yourself

I’ve been reading a lot about gender lately, and more often than not, I find arguments supporting the person’s choice to identify as the “gender” they personally feel they are. I think we need to be careful about what we are saying when it comes to “gender” today. We walk a very fine line when we say that by allowing a person to be whatever “gender” they identify with we rid ourselves of gender stereotyping.

I beg to differ.

Does this not simply encourage more gender stereotyping? When we say that our personal experience indicates to us that we are a man or woman, what are we basing that upon? A person cannot truly understand what it means to be a woman if they don’t experience the specific things that make me a woman, which are the very things that make me different from a man: my anatomy, physiology, and even psychology. So when a person identifies as another gender, is it just that we are more attracted to the things that men or women typically are associated with in our society? And in saying we identify with those things, are we not encouraging the unfair stereotypes we so long to be rid of? Do we not see how backwards this is?

Absolutely love the things you love: pink, blue, cooking, trucks, etc. Those are things you like! They are good! But your preferences are not your identity. Your preferences do not determine your gender, because society doesn’t make us male or female—nature and biology do. We cannot choose which “gender” we are because of the things we are more attracted to. My love for pink and online shopping doesn’t determine that I am a woman: my anatomical make up demonstrates to me that I am one. Biology isn’t subjective.

By rejecting the way in which we were created—male and female—and celebrating that rejection, we as a society are not celebrating our differences, but rather we celebrate a rejection of the human person and who we were made to be. We actually do the opposite of encouraging one another to love ourselves. We tell people that it’s ok to not love the way they were made. We tell them it’s ok to reject who your body wants to express that it is. We separate the body from the soul, and when we do that, we actually become the very definition of death, and bring that to the world, rather than love, which brings life.

The complementarity of the masculine and the feminine brings life to the world. The objective truth and reality that those two things exist, and embracing that diversity, brings new life to this planet. Love and life cannot be separated. To reduce our bodies to something that we can manipulate and mutilate in order to match what our thoughts and feelings are is a dangerous line to walk. We make ourselves into objects to be used, rather than people to be loved. Altering the way we were made actually divides us from our very selves. We no longer know who we are.

Gender theories do not seek to unite and diversify human beings. Gender theories seek to break down the human person into a pile of parts that can be used and manipulated to please our every desire. It pits our bodies against our souls. Acceptance and love are its mantra, but in fact it does the complete opposite: encouraging us to reject our own selves.

We are destroying ourselves and our unique and particular dignity as men and women. We are crumbling the very foundation on which we are built.

I have no doubt that those who struggle to accept their identity as male or female experience very real pain. My heart breaks out of love, not pity, for them. We each are a beautiful and complex creation, and understanding ourselves is a great mystery that we will spend our entire lifetime trying to discover. It’s ok to ask someone for help with this. This is what we are supposed to do for one another: help one another discover truth so as to flourish and become the persons we were made to be. We need to be there for one another when times are hard and we are suffering. This is what authentic love is all about. Not rejection of another, but embracing them in all of their messiness, and helping one another to live a life of freedom from chaos and confusion.

It is truth that frees us and brings us authentic peace of mind and heart, because it is only in knowing and accepting truth that we are able to see things clearly. Truth helps us to understand what we were made for, and in understanding that, we can become who we were made to be.

“When the freedom to be creative becomes the freedom to create oneself, then necessarily the Maker himself is denied and ultimately man too is stripped of his dignity as a creature of God, as the image of God at the core of his being.” – Benedict XVI

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ash

Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

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El genio femenino

¿Qué significa ser mujer?

Es una pregunta que ha invadido mi mente desde que era niña. Recuerdo que me decían todas las cosas que te hacen ser una mujer: desde los cambios en tu cuerpo y en la ropa que usas, hasta los cambios en tus modales.

Ser mujer siempre fue considerado la “gran cosa”.

Sin embargo, a medida que he crecido, he aprendido que ser mujer implica mucho más que ciertos cambios en tu cuerpo, tu armario y tu manera de actuar. Hay una esencia de feminidad que es única y específica de todas las mujeres. Esta esencia es la que Juan Pablo II llamaba el “genio femenino”.

Este término es elusivo, frecuentemente es acompañado por la confusión o una mala interpretación. ¿Qué es este “genio femenino” al que él se refería? !Es un misterio!

¡Y con toda razón! Los misterios son hermosos y encantadores, nunca pueden ser conocidos a plenitud, lo cual es brillante de parte de Dios. Él nos hizo misteriosas porque esto nos mantiene siempre cerca: como no podemos resolver el acertijo, pero anhelamos tanto hacerlo, regresamos de nuevo y lo intentamos. La feminidad como un misterio definitivamente tiene sentido.

Pero sólo porque el “genio femenino” es un misterio, no quiere decir que no podamos conocer y comprender ciertas cosas. El genio femenino es simplemente vivir a plenitud la belleza y dignidad de ser quienes somos como mujeres, hijas de Dios, pero hacerlo de una manera única y distintiva. ¿Estás lista para saber cuál es esa manera? Prepárate… Quizás no te guste mucho al principio: Maternidad.

Oh sí, acabo de mencionar la gran palabra con M.

Pero, antes de saltar a conclusiones apresuradas, como que estoy diciendo que todas tenemos que convertirnos en hacedoras de bebés, tomémonos un segundo y veamos qué es la maternidad y por qué es tan especial para la mujer.

Antes que nada, todas las mujeres: casadas, solteras, religiosas, están llamadas a ser madres de alguna manera. Esto no quiere decir necesariamente que están llamadas a ser madres biológicas. La maternidad física está vinculada a una vocación específica: el matrimonio. Sin embargo, todas las mujeres, casadas o no, estamos llamadas a ser madres espirituales. Todas las mujeres.

La maternidad espiritual se asemeja mucho a la maternidad física. Tiene cualidades similares, pero se refleja de una manera diferente en cada mujer, porque cada mujer está llamada a vivir su maternidad espiritual de una manera única. Por ejemplo, yo soy maestra. Soy la madre espiritual de mis estudiantes a través del evangelio que comparto con ellos, cuando rezo para que les vaya bien y cuando les muestro a Cristo a través de mis palabras y mis actos. Por el momento no soy físicamente una madre, así que mi vocación es llevar a la plenitud esta cualidad maternal, particular en mí como mujer, a través del cuidado y acompañamiento que les doy a mis estudiantes, de la manera más apropiada y donde más se necesite dadas las circunstancias.

Lo mismo se aplica a ti, si eres mujer. Podrías ser una enfermera, en este caso deberás ser la madre espiritual de tus pacientes, cuidarlos, orar por su pronta recuperación y atender sus necesidades. Tal y como lo haría una mujer que tiene hijos que cuidar. Quizás eres una mujer que trabaja en la construcción de vías, puedes ser la madre espiritual de todos los que van por las carreteras, preocupándote por su seguridad y llevando a Cristo a tus compañeros de trabajo a través de tu testimonio. No importa cuál sea tu ocupación: siempre hay una manera de ser mujer, y específicamente madre, en tu trabajo cotidiano.

Es interesante resaltar que hoy en día vivimos en una sociedad que aplasta la maternidad. Tenemos la píldora, el aborto, los condones, la pornografía y más: todo esto desprecia la cualidad maternal de la mujer, proclamando además que la hace libre al darle la habilidad de controlar y elegir cuándo y cómo quiere ser madre.

La verdadera libertad no se basa en el control. No se llamaría libertad si fuera controlable. La verdadera libertad yace en el conocimiento y la comprensión de nosotras mismas, de nuestras necesidades, en amar todas estas cosas sobre nosotras y en saber utilizarlas de la manera adecuada.

Vivir plenamente la maternidad significa saber y entender que la mujer está llamada a dar vida espiritualmente, y si está casada y puede hacerlo, también físicamente. Vivir plenamente nuestra maternidad significa saber que la mujer fue creada y está llamada a dar vida. Nuestro diseño físico nos dice algo sobre nosotras mismas: que todas hemos sido llamadas a la maternidad.

¿Por qué maternidad? ¿Por qué las mujeres deben vivir la maternidad?

Porque sólo la mujer puede ser madre. Sólo la mujer puede albergar, cultivar y desarrollar vida dentro de sí. Al final, sólo la mujer elige si quiere llevar a buen término esa vida. Sólo la mujer elige ser madre. Los hombres no pueden físicamente ser madres, es imposible.

Esto, mis amigas, es la esencia del genio femenino. Abrazar la maternidad, a pesar de lo que la sociedad diga, y vivirla de la manera en que nuestro actual estado de vida nos lo permita. Esto puede cambiar el mundo.

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ashAshley Ackerman es primero que todo una hija de Dios, y después de eso, trabaja para Su gloria como maestra de religión, líder en el campus, conferencista y bloguera. Se graduó en la Universidad Franciscana de Steubenville, donde obtuvo su maestría en teología. Puedes leer más sobre sus publicaciones visitando su blog personal “A Heart Made for Grace” donde comparte sus reflexiones sobre temas católicos.

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Chastity . . . the sure way to happiness?

I often go for a run after I get home from work. When I first started doing this, it was a pain. I hated it. I would walk in the door every afternoon, look around my living room, and often choose to be lazy and not go.

Once in a while I’d really be motivated to go, and so I’d come in the door and grab my gear and get outside. I’d feel like a million bucks when I got back and was really proud of myself. Even though it hadn’t been easy, I had persevered. I had gotten out of my slump and got some exercise. It was awesome.

Other times I would be not-so-motivated. I’d walk in and begrudgingly schlep over to the table, look at my housemate and say in a whiney voice “I dooooooon’t wannnnt to go for a runnnn! Eheh” (“eheh” is a sort of wimpy cry sound, if you can imagine that) accompanied by a frowny-pouty-puppy-eyes-face.

Her response was always this: “But if you go, you won’t regret it!” Big smile.

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

Me: Narrowing of puppy eyes. Brow furrowing. Contemplation.

Big Sigh. “Dang it! You’re right. Uuuuggggghhhhh.”

And I’d get my shoes on and go outside.

And she was right. I never regretted it. I was always happy when I went for that run. I was always happy that I had made the difficult choice to get outside and do something good for myself.

Now imagine if she wasn’t there. How easily I would have likely fallen into this trap of not exercising. No one would have ever been there to tell me it was worth going, and that I wouldn’t regret it. Exercising isn’t always easy. It also isn’t always fun. Some of us really struggle with it. But it’s always worth it.

And today, I’m going to be the person to tell you the same thing applies to chastity. It’s always worth it.

Practicing chastity involves exercising in a different way. It involves exercising the will, the mind, and the heart. Practicing chastity isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s a pain. There are days when it doesn’t seem worth it. There are days when we want to give up on chastity. There are days when it just seems like too much work.

But I’m here to tell you, if you practice it, you won’t regret it.

“Chastity is a difficult, long term matter; one must wait patiently for it to bear fruit, for the happiness of loving kindness which it must bring. But at the same time, chastity is the sure way to happiness.” – Pope John Paul II

Think about it this way: “Working out is a difficult, long term matter; one must wait patiently for it to bear fruit, for the fitness which it will bring. But at the same time, exercise is the sure way to heath.”

And much like exercise, chastity does get a little easier over time. It’s never a piece of cake, but when is a real workout ever easy? If we are so quick to work on our physical health and well-being, why are we so lazy when it comes to our spiritual and sexual well-being?

You know what else makes working out easier? A buddy. Having someone who is willing to help hold you accountable to working out is much better for motivation. Just like my housemate was always there cheering me on. Having a friend you can confide your struggles in, and who can encourage you on your walk in chastity, is really helpful.

All your hard work will pay off in the end. You’ll be happier, holier, and healthier, in mind and heart, if you practice chastity. Our friend JPII (a saint, guys!) even tells us this: “the sure way to happiness.”

If you choose it, in the end, you won’t regret it! Take it one day at a time. I’ll be praying for you.

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ash

Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

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The Feminine Genius

What does it mean to be a woman?

This is a question that has plagued my mind since I was a child. I remember being told all the things that make you a woman—from changes in your body to changes in the types of clothing you wear to changes in your manners.

Being a woman was always considered to be a big deal.

As I’ve grown older, however, I’ve come to learn that there is far more to being a woman than just changes in your body, clothing, and manners. There is an essence of femininity that is unique and specific to all women. That essence is what John Paul II would call the “feminine genius.”

This is an elusive term. It is often accompanied by confusion and misunderstanding. What is this “feminine genius” he speaks of? It is a mystery!

And rightly so! For mysteries are beautiful and lovely, and because they are mysteries they cannot ever be fully known, which is so brilliant of God. He makes us mysterious because it keeps drawing us back—we can never solve the puzzle, but we so long to, so we keep coming back to it. Femininity as a mystery completely makes sense.

But just because the “feminine genius” is a mystery doesn’t mean we can’t come to know and understand something about it. The feminine genius is simply living out the beauty and dignity of being who we are as women—as children of God—but doing it in a specifically unique and distinct way. Are you ready to know what that way is? Brace yourself. You might not like it at first.

Maternity.

Oh yes, I just pulled out the Big M.

Before we all start jumping to conclusions that I am saying we are all made to be baby makers, let’s just take a second and look at what maternity is, and why it’s so special to woman.

First of all, all women, married, single, religious, are called to be mothers in some capacity. This does not necessarily mean women are called to be physical mothers. Physical maternity comes with a specific vocation: marriage. However, all women, married or not, are called to be spiritual mothers.

All women.

Spiritual maternity is very similar to physical maternity. It has similar qualities, but it looks different on all women. Each woman is called to live out her spiritual maternity in a way that is unique to her. For example, I am a teacher. I am a spiritual mother to my students by sharing the Gospel with them, praying for their success, and bringing Christ to them through my words and deeds. I am not a physical mother right now, so my vocation is to fulfill that maternal quality that is specific to me as a woman by nurturing and caring for my students in the way that is most appropriate and needed given the situation.

The same goes for you, if you’re a woman. You could be a nurse—then you are to be a spiritual mother to your patients, caring for them, praying for their healing, and attending to their needs. Just like a woman who has children of her own to care for. Perhaps you are a woman who works in construction. You can be a spiritual mother by praying for those on the road, caring about their safety, and bringing Christ to your coworkers through your witness. It doesn’t matter what your job is—there is always a way to be a woman, and specifically a mother, in your work.

It is interesting to note that we live in a society that presently crushes maternity. We have the pill, abortion, condoms, procedures, pornography, and more—all crushing the maternal quality of women, yet claiming to be bringing freedom to woman by giving her the ability to control and choose when and how she wants to be a mother.

True freedom doesn’t lie in control. It wouldn’t be called freedom if it was controlled. True freedom lies in knowing and understanding ourselves, our needs, and loving those things about ourselves, and using them in the proper manner.

Living out maternity means knowing and understanding that it simply means that women are called to bring forth life—spiritually, and if she is married and able, physically. Living out maternity means knowing that bringing life is what woman is made for and called to do. Our physical design tells us something about ourselves—that we are all made for motherhood.

Why maternity? Why is this what women are to live out?

Because only woman can be a mother. Only woman can house, cultivate, and grow life within her womb. Ultimately, only woman chooses to bring that life to fruition. Only woman chooses to be a mother. Men cannot physically be mothers. It’s impossible.

This, ladies, is the essence of the feminine genius. Embracing maternity, despite what society says, and living it out the way that our current state in life allows us to. It can change the world.

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ash

Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

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Be the Master of Your Own Mystery

Regarding the use of birth control, Fulton J. Sheen says this: “So-called birth control, which assists in neither birth nor control, is based on the philosophy that love is without obligations.”

Fulton is on to something—birth control, when used for contraceptive methods, doesn’t help us to control anything—rather, it allows us to give and take without consequences. It gives us an escape from responsibility. With birth control we fall into a trap of taking, taking, taking—to only look at ourselves and our own needs. It helps us to be one thing: selfish.

Birth control fuels our passions. It fuels our vices. It fuels our love for pleasure. It fuels our desire to control things, hence the name.

Sex is a gift—a gift of one’s very self, so it’s not something we should take lightly. This is a person we are talking about. A person who has value, dignity, and worth. This is you we’re talking about: Your gift of yourself to another.

Imagine giving a gift to someone, but withholding part of it. It’s still a gift. But that wouldn’t be much of a gift, would it?

When we withhold a part of the gift of sex, we are not giving an authentic and full gift of ourselves to another person. This is why sex is so awesome! It’s a beautiful gift of oneself, and it’s meant to be complete, total, and forever.

Sex is meant to be as an expression of a couple’s love for one another, in addition to their openness to that love growing into another person. It’s giving of itself – to the point where another human being could come from it!

But that’s the key: sex is two-fold. You can’t have a partial gift. It isn’t the same. You can’t have sex as God planned without being open to life and desiring to bond with your spouse. Otherwise we objectify one another for pleasure or for children. We treat one another as a means to an end.

Being the master of your own mystery isn’t some weird fancy term I made up; it’s directly from John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. Being the master of one’s own mystery essentially means this: knowing who we are, who we were made to be, and what we are worth. It means knowing that we are made for something important: self-gift, and that gift of ourselves is meant to be total and complete. That gift isn’t cheap; it is expensive. That gift is worthy of sacrifice and love. That gift is worthy of more than “love… without obligations,” as Fulton said.

Master your own mystery so that you can experience sex as it was meant to be: free, total, faithful, and fruitful. Master your own mystery so that you may bring life to your spouse, life to your relationship, and perhaps even life to another person. The beauty of sex is that it is mysteriously these two things—union and procreation—and you can have both! You’re worth it.

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ash

Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

 

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Debunking the Myths About Chastity

I have been saving sex for marriage for a long time, and I’ve noticed over the years that when people find this out, there are a series of reactions that take place. Most often they begin with utter shock, transforming into sheer horror, and end in misunderstanding about my choice and the belief that I am very naïve, and I must be brainwashed by my faith or my family.

Today I’d like to debunk some of the myths that surround the idea that saving sex for marriage is some sort of horrible tragedy in my life. Because it isn’t.

Today I’d like to tell you that I am ok, and I am going to continue to be ok. I don’t feel deprived or sad about my choice. I wasn’t manipulated or tricked into my decision. I don’t feel like I am missing out, and I don’t condemn anyone who isn’t in my shoes.

Let’s explain some of the misconceptions:

MYTH #1: Because I’m saving sex for marriage, I think sex is evil.

Dear World, you couldn’t be more wrong. The reason I am saving sex for marriage isn’t because I think it’s evil, it’s because I know it’s holy! And holy things are sacred and beautiful, and meant to be treasured and shared in the proper setting and context. In the case of sex, it’s meant to be shared with my spouse—the person who wants to bring Christ to me and help me grow in holiness. That’s the person who deserves to have all my love in holy sexual intimacy.

MYTH #2: I am missing out.

I’ve been living 27 years without sex, and I’m doing just fine. I don’t feel like am missing out at all, because there is so much more to relationships than sex. When I date a guy, I get to experience him exactly as he is as a person. I get to see him entirely as a child of God, and I get to truly grow in authentic friendship with the person I am with. And that’s what I want in a spouse—a best friend—not just a sexual partner.

MYTH #3: Waiting is easy.

I will never ever tell you that it is easy to wait. It’s not. It’s a struggle. There are times when I have felt that I wasn’t going to make it. I’ve been in holy and not-so-holy relationships. I’ve battled myself and prayed like crazy that I wouldn’t fall into sin. The only way to get through it is through prayer, an understanding of the value of sex, and dignity of the human person. If I didn’t have that, I’d fall like a house of cards. God is my strength. Waiting isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

MYTH #4: I must not know sex is awesome, or I’d be having it.

I am well aware that sex is awesome, and that’s exactly why I’m not having it! I know that it’s going to be the greatest expression of love between my spouse and I, and that’s why I am waiting! The only person worthy of sharing such an intimate, intense, mind-blowingly awesome experience with me is the person who wants to give their whole life up for me. That person sounds pretty amazing to me, and well worth waiting for.

MYTH #5: Chastity isn’t for everyone.

This couldn’t be further from the truth—chastity is for every single person on the planet! It doesn’t matter if you’ve tried and failed at living a chaste life or if you’ve been successful your entire life at being chaste. It is for everyone, no matter what your state in life. You can always get back up and try again if you fail!

Chastity is for anyone who wants an authentic experience of love. It’s for anyone who recognizes that there is more to this life than sex. It’s for anyone who sees their own value, dignity, and worth, and wants to preserve that for the right moment—after their wedding vows. It’s not for the few and far between. It’s not for the brave and strong of heart only. It’s for everyone.

MYTH #6: I think people who’ve had sex are terrible people.

I don’t promote chastity to condemn anyone. Each person has dignity and value, regardless of his or her sexual behavior. I don’t promote chastity to tear others down—I promote it to elevate and uplift the human person. I promote chastity because I see the beauty of it, and I want to live out that beauty myself, and I want everyone else to have the same privilege. I want to encourage those who want to join me on this journey, whether they are in the same place as I am or not. It’s a hard road. It’s a long and difficult path to follow, and having support is key. If we don’t have that, the world will discourage us in a second. No matter who you are, or where you’ve been, you’re still worth waiting for.

Don’t let the lies get you down. Living a chaste life can be difficult, but like most difficult things in life, it’s worth it. We’ll come out on the other end better and stronger for it, but only if we see the beauty of it, and we live it out because of that, and not in spite of it.

I’m praying for you.

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ash

Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

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The Mystery of Sex

So I recently learned that Kim Kardashain took 1200 selfies and sent them to Kanye West as a Valentine’s Day gift, because apparently “all guys love it when a girl sends them sexy pics.”

Yesterday I was at the store and I saw the latest issue of Cosmo, and Emmy Rossum was on the cover. She was quoted as saying “Men only need two things—grilled cheese and sex.”

Today, on Hulu, I was looking at the list of movies they have available for watching, and one of them was simply called “Pornography.”

Sex is literally everywhere.

It’s so disappointing and disheartening. Sex is such a beautiful thing, and beautiful things should be honored and cherished, not thrown in your face until you become numb to them.

I grew up by the lake. I remember telling my mother as a child that the lake was just a giant puddle, and not very exciting. I saw it every day, and I thought it was lame.

Despite this, there was a part of me that knew I was wrong. There was a part of me that knew the lake was beautiful and special, and that it was actually quite a gift to be able to live near it. But I grew used to seeing it all the time, so I took it for granted.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to truly see the beauty of the lake, and now when I visit home I realize every moment I have there by the water is a moment spent basking in the glory of creation, and it’s awesome.

We, as a culture, have made sex into what that lake was to me as a child – something that is taken for granted. We see sex on every magazine cover, in every television show, and in every book we read. Sex is on nearly every website, and in the ads on social media, calling out to us to buy into it.

Sex is so in our face, and such a common thing, that we are slowly becoming more and more numb to it.

This is why pornography is so prevalent today. People are bored with sex, so they feel the need to find new and exciting ways to change it.

But if we could all just take some time to think about what sex really is and what it’s meant to be, maybe we would all appreciate it for the glory that it contains.

Sex is super awesome. It has power. It has mystery. It is beautiful.

But beautiful things are meant to be honored and cherished.

They are meant to be something, that when encountered, resound in the depths of our very being. Beautiful things are meant to be a little mysterious, to draw us in, and to slowly reveal to us the glory that lies within them.

Would you like to live a life void of beauty and mystery?

I have good news: you don’t have to.

You are meant to be a beautiful mystery to the world. You were made for unraveling and unveiling in the presence of someone who loves you, honors you, cherishes you, guards and protects you.

Ladies, you don’t have to send sexy pics to anyone just because Kim says it’s what men want. You don’t have to make grilled cheese sandwiches and give in to the pressure of having sex just because Emmy says it’s what men need. You don’t have to buy into sex as our world wants to sell it to you.

And men, you don’t have to be that guy. You don’t have to ask for sexy photos of your girlfriend, just because our world says you want them. You don’t have to be the guy who lives off grilled cheese and a woman’s body because you’re told it’s all you want. You don’t have to fall prey to the sex-obsessed stereotype the media portrays you to be.

We are all made for more.

Go against the culture—take mystery back! Claim sex for what it was meant to be! Let the beauty of human sexuality be a mystery to you! Let it be something you honor. Let it be something that, when you finally encounter it within marriage, rocks your world and reaches the depths of your very being, revealing to you the power that is unleashed in it—the creative power of the One who made you. Don’t let it become commonplace. Don’t let it get boring. Don’t take sex for granted. Because the best news is: it doesn’t have to be.

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ash

Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

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Revealing the “M” Word

I think we can all agree that $100 is a fairly large sum of money. If you had $100 on you, you’d probably want to put it in your pocket, a drawer, a safe, or the bank—somewhere safer than out in the open.

I was thinking about this a few weeks ago—how much we value money. How, with money, we want to keep it hidden and safe so that others cannot take it from us without our permission. We value money and we think things that cost a lot of money are valuable as well.

This may seem like an obvious statement, and I suppose it is. But after thinking about the way we treat money and how we take care of it, I started wondering about myself.

How much do I think I am worth?

I’m pretty sure I am worth more than $100. As a matter of fact, there is no way to put a price on who I am, because I am so valuable. I am priceless.

So if I am worth more than all that money I’d put in the bank if I had it in my hands, then the question I must ask myself is this: what measures do I take to protect myself like I would protect that money?

Now I don’t mean I want to go lock myself up in a safe. That would be… extreme. And creepy. And dangerous. And, well, weird.

I started thinking about who I am, and what I think I am worth. I am worth a lot. I don’t want to just give myself away. This is when I came to the realization that giving myself away starts with something very simple: the “M” word. Modesty.

I know; it’s summertime. That word is being thrown around all over the place. You’re probably sick of hearing about it. I know whenever I see that word I think “ah gosh, here we go again, someone is going to tell me how to dress. C’mon, it’s HOT out!”

I’ve been there before. I’ve worn the little tank tops and shorty shorts and skirts. Sometimes I still want to wear certain clothes that I shouldn’t wear. That’s usually when I ask my roommate what she thinks about my outfit and she will tell me honestly if it’s ok or not. Then I have to retreat and change if I don’t get the ok. Having an accountability partner to check out your clothes is a really good place to start. I know that might sound trivial, but they can see a 360 degree view of you that you can’t see in the mirror, and because they love you, they will be looking out for your best interests and giving you advice because they care about you as a person.

But why is it so important to be modest? What’s really the big deal? A lot of people will tell you that it’s not a big deal—that less is more.

Less is more. But not in the sense that our world today tells us it is.

Revealing less of you preserves more of yourself.

Cormac Burke says this about revealing ourselves with our wardrobe:

“Dress should be revealing. It should reveal the person, in his or her sense of values, of interior worth. Dress that over-reveals the body hinders the discovery of the person, of one’s real self—if there is any real self that remains worth showing.”

If we reveal more, we give the impression we’re worth less.

What are you worth?

That is what modesty comes down to. That’s what the “M” word is really all about. It’s why we are told that modesty is important—not because we want to have a million rules and make you cover up and never show yourself to anyone—but because it relates to who you are as a person. You are a whole person, not just a sum of parts.

Immodest dress makes parts of our body objects. It disconnects pieces of us from our whole. We begin to lose sight of ourselves as whole persons who are valuable and lovely. We start to see just legs or tummies. When we wear clothes that are more revealing we often start to lose focus on what, or perhapsI should say who, exactly we are revealing. We may think we’re just accentuating a certain body part, but then that part can become the focus of those around us. It becomes the only thing that is seen. It separates a part of us from our whole.

What does modesty really tell us? Sharing too much of yourself is selling yourself short.

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ashAshley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works as a speaker, blogger, administrative assistant, and nanny. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting ackergirl.blogspot.com.

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Graduation & Pure Freedom

This past weekend I saw a lot of pictures on social media of graduates. It’s thrilling beginning a new chapter in life, moving on from the old, comfortable ways we live in to new horizons.

I’ve been there on the brink of new beginnings, many times, sweating in a hideous cap and gown, thinking in that moment the world was mine—I, at last, would be off on a new adventure. I would change some things about my life—I would be freer than ever before to do whatever I wanted!

Graduating is exciting. It’s extraordinary. It’s something to celebrate and be happy about. It really is the start of something new and different in our lives. It most frequently marks the beginning of a newfound freedom for us. Freedom to get a job, go to college, move to a new city, change our lives, whatever it is we were seemingly being held back from.

I have some advice for you: take it slow.

Freedom is precious.

Freedom is precious because it is delicate. There is power in freedom, and you have the ability to take it from others, and the power to give your own away. It’s very easy to get carried away with it.

Both times I graduated (high school and college) I met a lot of people, and many came from backgrounds that had majorly different viewpoints on morality, and especially chastity, than what I had grown up with. A lot of the people I met lived by the principles of our culture, those principles being “say yes to everything and you will be free to truly live.”

We are encouraged by our world to go out and experiment with our lifestyle and sexuality. “Find ourselves.” And we certainly do find ourselves when we are out on our own, because we have a lot more freedom. I learned a lot about myself each time I’ve ventured out on a new beginning, but the biggest lesson I learned was that I am weak.

I am weak. I gave into peer pressure a lot, and I said “yes” to nearly everything. I went to parties. I went to the bar. I participated in underage drinking (and legal age drinking), and I happily joined in on all the “fun” of kissing people I didn’t really know. I let them take my freedom from me, because I didn’t realize that freedom doesn’t always mean saying yes. I also have the freedom to say no.

No one told me all the partying and boys were bad for me. In fact, I was commended for my actions. It was encouraged. I thought this was IT—what everyone in the world strived for.

But I was empty. I thought these things filling my life with “fun” were what living was all about. I took my freedom too far. I abused it. I thought if I exercised it to the max—which for me, was partying every weekend and hanging out with boys I should have been avoiding—I was truly living. Because this is what I was told was living.

The more often I fell into this way of life, the more I felt trapped. I couldn’t get out. I often thought things like: “Well, I’ve already done this before, who cares if I do it again.” “I’m not doing as many bad things as that person, so this must really be ok.”

This only led to me messing up more and more.

All the partying ultimately led to a lot of bad decisions. Giving in to the pressures of my friends, and even more so my own passions, led me to destruction.

If I had known then what I know now, things might have been different. If I had understood who I was, my dignity, my value, and that I had the freedom to choose not to partake, and still be living, things might have been different.

This weekend as I watched photo after photo of smiling faces pop up on my feed I thought about how each person was going to go somewhere new, was going to try new things, and was going to have new freedoms. Maybe this time no one will be there to hold them accountable to their actions or their mistakes. Maybe this time they will have friends who don’t encourage them to properly exercise their freedom by saying no. Maybe they will have friends who encourage going out and have what our culture considers a good time, but that good time could lead to a bad time.

Or maybe they’ll get really lucky and find the perfect community of friends, never make a mistake, and never have a hard time.

But that’s unlikely.

You might be going out to the world to new beginnings, and if so, you are blessed. You are going to do amazing things and have amazing experiences. But you are going to have people in your life who don’t care about what is best for you, because their understanding of freedom has been warped by our culture. You will meet people who will encourage you to have that extra drink, to kiss that boy you don’t really like, and to allow yourself to do whatever feels good in the moment.

Know this: if you fall, you can get back up. You can start again. You don’t have to be enslaved like I was.

But take it slow. Take your freedom seriously. Think about who you are, your worth, and what you’re made for. Keep your eyes on living a whole life that isn’t enslaved to passions. Keep your heart set on what is truly good. And when you do stumble, get back up and try again. Don’t give up.

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ashAshley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works as a speaker, blogger, administrative assistant, and nanny. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting ackergirl.blogspot.com.

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Every Body Talks

Once upon a time I was “just friends” with a boy. But when we were together we would hold hands and were rather affectionate—as if we were dating. This is where it might have been handy if someone had brought my attention to the age-old-adage: “Actions speak louder than words.”

We’ve all heard it a million times. And if you’re like me, you might roll your eyes at the person saying it and murmur “yeah, yeah, yeah.” Yet, somehow, every time I hear it, it makes me stop and think about what I’m doing.

Because the truth is, actions do speak louder than words. Actions require our physical presence, and therefore involve our entire person when performed.

If I had thought about this while I was hanging out with my “friend,” hopefully I’d have realized I was saying something with my actions. I don’t flirt, hold hands, or cuddle with people I don’t want to date. That would be giving the wrong impression. But my entire person, present to this “friend,” was performing an action that expressed to him: “I want to be more than friends,” but what was conveyed in words was: “I want to be just friends.”

Which one did I actually mean?

I learned a lesson. I should have been more careful about what I said with my body. My actions spoke truth: I wanted to give and receive affection from another person. But gave the wrong impression to the wrong person, because I didn’t think it was a big deal. In the end, we both got hurt.

Our bodies speak a language that can be understood by other people. It can say some important things, and when it says these things, it can bring joy or pain. If this can happen simply by giving someone the wrong impression by holding hands, why should this be any different with any other action we perform?

Unfortunately, our culture doesn’t apply “actions speak louder than words” to one of the biggest, and most important actions we can perform.

Sex.

Our culture says having sex is good. This is true; sex is good. But the problem is that our culture doesn’t actually understand what the body is saying when it enters into sexual intimacy with another person. Our culture doesn’t properly speak the language of sex.

Just as holding hands is an action that speaks something to someone, so does giving our body to another person in sexual intercourse say something.

Sex is a gift of persons. Not body parts. Persons. Remember, actions involve the entire person. Sexual intercourse is an action that expresses something with your entire person.

So what exactly, does sex express?

Sex expresses two things. Our bodies in sex say “I love you, and I want to give my whole self to you. In loving you and giving myself to you I am also open to creating new life with you.”

That’s a big statement.

We are often told to remove the part about creating life from sex, but the fact is, that is what sex can do. That’s part of the power of sex. Your body is expressing its ability to create new life in addition to giving itself to another person.

Do you want to say that to just anyone? Is it truly possible to have sex with someone and hide what your body is saying from that other person?

Wouldn’t you want your body to say what it means, and mean what it says?

Waiting to have sex is difficult. I won’t tell you it’s not. But knowing and understanding what our bodies are saying when we enter into sexual intimacy with another person helps us understand the deeper meaning of why it is such a big deal, and why we should wait for our spouse.

My hope is that in understanding why it is important to wait, you will be empowered to do so. Your actions have a deep and powerful meaning; they speak a language of their own.

I’m praying for you.

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ashAshley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works as a speaker, blogger, administrative assistant, and nanny. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting ackergirl.blogspot.com.

 

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Why Am I Still Single?

“I must not be attractive enough.”

“I’m too fat.”

“If only I were funnier…”

Oh, the thoughts that plague the single person’s mind.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy wallowing in singlehood. I’ve exhausted myself trying to figure out why on earth boys wouldn’t ask me out. How could I have so many boy friends, but none of them wanted to be my boyfriend?

I felt like I had heard it all. “They’re just scared.” “You’re a strong woman, men are intimidated by you.” “He’s probably just shy!” And the classic Christian message: “Jesus is your boyfriend!”

Ok. No thanks.

At least that’s what I thought…

Then one fateful day I came to the horribly wonderful realization that I had been wasting a lot of time. I came to the recognition that my life was in progress at that very moment, and I was spending it crying about a boy I wasn’t even sure existed.

What kind of life was that? Not one I wanted to live, I can tell you that much.

That very day I decided to take the advice of Tim McGraw, as cliché and cheesy as it sounded, and to live like I was dying. To live each day so that at the end of the day I could look back and say “I would change nothing about this day.”

What I found was that being single and having spare time was a gift. This was the time when I could learn about who I was and how I wanted to live my life. It was great—for a while. But I very quickly discovered that who I was and what I wanted were things I couldn’t actually discover on my own. I, myself, didn’t have all the answers.

I soon found that while I thought I knew what I wanted, I really didn’t know at all. I’d date guys who seemed to have everything I liked on paper, but then we’d break-up. I thought it was them. Then I realized… it was me.

I had arrived at a very frustrating point in my life. I had no idea what I wanted. And I had no idea how to figure it out.

So I turned to the only person I’d ever been told knew more about me than I knew about myself: Jesus.

And oh man, I did not want to go to him. I was so fearful of what I thought he was going to tell me: “He’s going to tell me I’m single because I have to be a nun!”

But I had nowhere else to go. So I begrudgingly began talking to the Lord. I asked him questions about myself, about my life, about the things that had happened. I complained to him. I told him my fears, my worries, my frustrations. I told him I was mad at him for leaving me single, and I asked him why. And then… I listened.

Over time, what I found was that the Lord had given me this time to be single for a very particular reason: he had given it to me so that I could get to know him.

He had given me this time to be single so that I could learn about who he is, and who I truly am in his eyes. He showed me that I am pretty enough, that I am perfect as I am, that he designed me with certain desires in my heart that only he could fulfill, and that he loves me.

It was truly amazing. But it took a long time. Like, a super long time—it took years. In fact, I am still learning who Christ is, what it is he is asking of me, and what types of things I want and need in my life.

So why are you still single?

I can’t tell you.

But Christ can.

He has plans for you. Big ones. This time of being single is a time when he wants to prepare and help you discover those plans. It’s a time he wants you to spend getting to know him. My very best advice is to take it. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

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ashAshley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works as a speaker, blogger, administrative assistant, and nanny. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting ackergirl.blogspot.com.

 

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