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Matt Fradd

March 25, 2019 By Matt Fradd

5 Menzogne in 50 Sfumature di Grigio

Spero che tu abbia già deciso che Cinquanta Sfumature di Grigio, non merita il tuo tempo. Ma dal momento che, in quanto cristiani, siamo chiamati ad impegnarci nella società per Cristo, ti sarà utile sapere un paio di cose su questo libro in modo da poterne parlare in modo coerente e convincente con i tuoi amici e colleghi.

Cinquanta sfumature di grigio è una trilogia best-seller di romanzi e ora anche un film di Hollywood. Il suo franchising vale milioni. Ma questa storia d’ “amore” scritta male è molto più di un romanzo innocuo per casalinghe annoiate. È pieno di menzogne sottili e non-proprio-sottili. Diamo un’occhiata a cinque di queste:

Menzogna # 1: La violenza è sexy.

Se non sai nulla di Cinquanta Sfumature di Grigio, saprai almeno che è la storia di un uomo e di una donna, persone provenienti da mondi opposti sessualmente parlando, che si infatuano l’uno con l’altra. Il personaggio principale, Ana (che ha la personalità di uno straccio bagnato) è in gran parte innocente e inesperta in materia di sesso. Christian, d’altra parte, è uno psicopatico sessuale, profondamente impantanato in un mondo di bondage e sadomasochismo.

I fan di Cinquanta Sfumature sono pronti a sottolineare, “Ma guarda che Ana alla fine doma Cristian e lo allontana dal suo mondo privo di emozioni e riempito di dominio sessuale. Basta leggere i libri dopo il primo.” Questo può anche essere vero, ma è l’erotismo nei libri che li ha resi best-sellers. Qualunque sia il cambiamento che Christian attraversa nel corso della storia, non possiamo trascurare il modo in cui le sue fantasie violente provocano delle ferite profonde in Ana. Questo è esattamente il modo in cui il primo libro termina: con Ana, sola, che piange sul suo letto, perché si è innamorata di un uomo che, come si rende conto, è profondamente disturbato mentalmente.

Questo è, purtroppo, l’effetto devastante della pornografia, che sia fatta di parole, foto o video. Un recente studio di film pornografici più venduti ha rilevato che quasi il 90 per cento delle scene contengono degli atti di aggressione fisica. Nella maggior parte di quelle scene, le donne sono ritratte come se godessero dell’ essere dominate o punite. Ora, se qualcuno risponde: “Sì, ma l’essere dominata e minacciata è molto più eccitante che il sesso coniugale in una relazione fedele,” per me, questa frase è uguale ai discorsi delle teste di rapa che pensano che la vita normale e sobria sia noiosa. In entrambi i casi faccio le mie condoglianze e rivolgo la mia compassione alle persone con questo modo di pensare.

Menzogna # 2: Avere delle ferite emotive causate da abusi sessuali è sexy.

Per molte donne, Christian Grey è al supremo apice della fantasia femminile. È incredibilmente ricco. Idolatra la terra su cui Ana cammina.

Ma Christian è anche una persona terribilmente ferita che all’età di quindici anni era stata coinvolta in una relazione di dominazione/sottomissione con un’amica di sua madre, un rapporto che, come afferma, lo ha lasciato sconvolto di cinquanta sfumature. Eppure le sue conseguenti ossessioni perverse sono proprio le cose che hanno fatto fare milioni a questi libri.

Potete immaginarvi lo scenario invertito? Immaginatevi una ragazza di 15 anni, forzata a essere, con un uomo dell’età di suo padre, in una relazione in cui lei è sessualmente dominata per anni. Immaginate che la ragazza entri in un rapporto dopo l’altro di sesso violento e crudo. Lo stato mentale di quella donna è qualcosa da esaltare, qualcosa su cui gli uomini dovrebbero fantasticare?

Menzogna # 3: Le donne non dovrebbero curarsi degli stalker.

Molti fan di questi libri diranno: “Guarda quanto Cristian vuole essere sicuro che ha il consenso di Ana. Questo libro non è misogino, perché Ana dà il suo pieno consenso. ”

In primo luogo, dare il proprio consenso all’ essere degradato non fa diventare il venir degradato più fico.

In secondo luogo, il libro offusca la linea tra il consenso e il controllo nel modo peggiore. A un certo punto, Ana dice: “Certo che sa dove vivo. Che stalker capace, che monitora il mio cellulare e che possiede un elicottero non lo saprebbe? ”

Il Women’s Health Journal ha pubblicato un articolo che mostra che Ana è in realtà una vittima di “violenza intima di partner”. Lo studio dice che nel libro l’abuso emotivo è presente in quasi ogni interazione che la coppia ha, tra elementi di stalking e di intimidazione.

Menzogna # 4: Il consenso è secondario quando si parla di lussuria.

Christian è un miliardario con una ricchezza quasi illimitata a sua disposizione, e fa dei regali stravaganti ad Ana. Uno di questi doni è una copia della prima edizione di Tess d’Ubervilles di Thomas Hardy. Potremmo pensare, “Che carino! Le ha comprato un libro bellissimo. E lei aveva pure una laurea magistrale in letteratura inglese. Ma che bel regalo! “.

Ma nella nota che accompagna il libro, Christian scrive: “Perché non mi hai detto che c’era pericolo? Perché non mi hai avvertita? Le donne sanno da cosa devono proteggersi, perché leggono dei romanzi che parlano di queste cose. ”

Per chi non conosce il romanzo di Hardy, questo è quello che il personaggio principale, Tess, dice dopo essere stata violentata da un suo stalker nel bosco. Ana riconosce subito la citazione dal libro, ma in realtà non pensa alle implicazioni di questa citazione. È chiaro che Christian vuole Ana fisicamente, e che userà qualsiasi trucco per farla sua. In tutto il libro, man mano che la loro storia d’amore contorta evolve, vediamo come Ana ritrova in Christian il cattivo della storia di Hardy.

Menzogna # 5: La pornografia è moralmente accettabile.

La popolarità di Cinquanta Sfumature di Grigio aiuterà a convincere le persone (compresi i giovani e i moralmente disinformati) che la pornografia va bene. Ma, come insegna il Catechismo della Chiesa Cattolica, “La pornografia consiste nel rimuovere gli atti sessuali, reali o simulati dall’ intimità dei partner, al fine di mostrarle deliberatamente a terze parti. Si offende la castità perché snatura l’atto coniugale, dono intimo che gli sposi fanno l’uno all’ altro. Lesiona in modo grave la dignità dei suoi partecipanti (attori, commercianti, pubblico), poiché ognuno viene abbassato al livello di solo oggetto di piacere e di profitto illecito per altri. ”

Non lasciatevi ingannare. Cinquanta Sfumature di Grigio non è altro che pornografia violenta e mal scritta.

______________________________

m-fraddMatt Fradd is the author of the new book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who Turned from Porn to Purity. 

Filed Under: Italiano

January 11, 2018 By Matt Fradd

You Need To Talk To Your Kids About Porn

A few years back when my son was about seven years of age he asked me, very matter-of-factly, what pornography was. Now, I suppose that shouldn’t have surprised me give my line of work, but it did. I remember responding, “what’s that?” Not because I hadn’t heard him. I was stalling. Gathering my thoughts. Praying not to mess this up.

In this blog I’d like to relay the bulk of that conversation because I have become convinced that we parents must begin talking to our children in an age appropriate way about pornography. I’m also convinced that most parents out there have no clue where to begin.

So, the rest of the blog will show you how to begin, then, at the end I’ll tell you about two indispensable resources you need to get now. Like, right now. Like, open up a new tab and get them now, now. Okay. Back to the conversation where my son had just asked me (again) what pornography was.

“Uh, pornography is something that, when you look at it, it hurts you.” I said.

“Huh?”

“Well you know how some pictures make you feel good, and happy, and safe?”

“Like comics?” He asked.

“Sort of, but I’m thinking more like photo’s of your brother and sisters,” I said. I pulled out my phone and showed him a few photos I had taken recently of his younger brother. “How does that make you feel?” I asked.

“He’s so cute, I miss him already!” He said.

“So this is a good picture, and it makes you want good things and want to do good things, right?” I said.

“I guess so” He said.

“Pornography is pictures that are bad. They’re bad pictures that make us want to do bad things and they hurt our brains and our souls.” I said.

“Why do people look at it if it’s bad?” He said.

“Because it can feel good and exciting.” I said. “But remember, rats find rat poison good and exciting. And not just rats; if I took some poison pills and covered them in chocolate, and people ate them, they’d probably like them too, wouldn’t they?” I asked

“Yeah, but then they’d get sick.” He said.

“That’s right.” I said.

“Do you just find it by typing it in?” He asked. Now this question was interesting because I hadn’t yet told him that porn could be found online, and he hasn’t yet ever used the internet. Honestly, I was afraid of what to say. I didn’t want to respond, “Yep, just type “porn” into Google” and you’ll be on your way!”

“You can type lots of bad things into the Internet and find lots of bad things, but why would you want to do that?” I asked. “How silly would it be if you typed in “how can I hurt my brother?”

He smiled, nodding with agreement.

“If you ever see anything on the internet or anywhere else that you know is bad or that makes you feel uncomfortable I always want you to come and tell Mum and Dad about it, okay?”

“Okay.” He said.

“Even if you’re scared we’ll be upset. We won’t be upset. We’d be so proud of you for telling us, and that way we can make you feel better.” I said.

“Okay Dad.” He said.

You’ll notice I didn’t get very specific about anything in particular: what porn is, how it hurts the brain, what he should do when he encounters it (other than speak to his Mum and me). These were conversations I’ve had with him since then.

So, what did those conversations look like? What else do you need to know? The following two resources will tell you exactly what you need to know, answer the many question you probably have, and show you how to continue this conversation with sensitivity and truth.

  1. Go and get my brand new CD (it came out yesterday) Protecting Innocence: Parenting, Your Kids, and the Internet. Buy a copy for every parent you know. You can listen to a 10 minute sample of it here.
  2. Get Kristen Jenson’s incredibly popular book, Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn Proofing Today’s Young Kids. This is a beautifully illustrated, read aloud book designed for parents to read to their children. It’s awesome.
  3. Listen to my podcast on “3 Conversations to Have With Your Kids About Porn”, here.

_________________________

Matt Fradd speaks to tens of thousands of people every year. He is the author of several books, including Does God Exist?: A Socratic Dialog on the Five Ways of Thomas Aquinas and The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality Behind the Fantasy of Pornography.  Matt earned his master’s and undergraduate degree’s in philosophy from Holy Apostles College. His podcasts, Love People Use Things and Pints With Aquinas are listened to by tens of thousands of people every month. Matt lives with his wife, Cameron, and their children in the mountains of North Georgia.

Filed Under: Breaking Free, Marriage & Family, Parenting, Porn, etc.

January 29, 2015 By Matt Fradd

5 Lies in 50 Shades

Hopefully, you’ve already decided that Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t worth your time. But since, as Christians, we’re called to engage the culture for Christ, it’ll be helpful for you to know a few things about it so that you can converse sensibly and convincingly with your friends and coworkers.

Fifty Shades of Grey is a best-selling trilogy of novels and now a Hollywood movie. The franchise is worth millions. But this poorly written “love” story is more than just a harmless novel for bored housewives. It is filled with subtle and not-so-subtle lies. Let’s look at five of them.

Lie #1: Violence is sexy.

If you know anything about Fifty Shades, you know it’s a story about a man and a woman, people from opposite worlds sexually speaking, who become infatuated with one another. The main character, Ana (who has the personality of a wet toothbrush), is largely innocent and inexperienced when it comes to sex. Christian, on the other hand, is a sexual psychopath, deeply mired in a world of bondage and sadomasochism.

Fans of Fifty Shades are quick to point out, “Look, Ana eventually tames Christian and leads him away from his emotionless world of sexual dominance. Just read the sequel books.” That may be, but it’s the eroticism in the books that has made them best-sellers. Whatever change Christian goes through in story arc, we can’t overlook the way his violent fantasies scar Ana. This is precisely how the first book ends: with Ana alone, crying on her bed because she has fallen for a man who she realizes is deeply disturbed.

This is, sadly, the trend of pornography, whether words, photos, or videos. A recent study of top-selling pornographic films found that nearly 90 percent of the scenes contain acts of physical aggression. In most of those scenes, women are portrayed as enjoying being dominated or punished. Now, if someone responds, “Yes, but being dominated and threatened is so much more exciting than faithful marital sex,” to me, that’s analogous the meth-head who thinks normal, un-high life is boring. In both cases I just want to extend sympathy.

Lie #2: Sexual brokenness is sexy.

For many women, Christian Grey seems like the epitome of female fantasy. He’s unbelievably wealthy. He worships the ground Ana walks on.

But Christian is also a terribly damaged individual who at age fifteen became involved in a dominant-submissive relationship with a female friend of his mother’s, a relationship he says has left him fifty shades messed up. And yet his resulting perverted obsessions are the very things that have made the books millions.

Can you imagine if the scenario was reversed? Picture a 15-year-old girl being coerced by a man her father’s age into a relationship in which she’s sexually dominated for years. Then picture that girl entering into one relationship after another of emotionless, violent sex. Is that woman’s state of mind something to celebrate, something men should fantasize about?

Lie #3: Women should put up with stalkers.

Many fans of these books will say, “Look how much Christian wants to be sure he has Ana’s consent. This book isn’t misogynistic, because Ana gives her full consent.”

First, consenting to being degraded doesn’t make being degraded any cooler.

Second, the book blurs the line between consent and control in the worst ways. At one point, Ana says, “Of course he knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter-owning stalker wouldn’t?”

The Journal of Women’s Health published an article showing that Ana is actually a victim of “intimate partner violence.” The study says the book shows emotional abuse is present in nearly every interaction the couple has, including elements of stalking and intimidation.

Lie #4: Consent is secondary when lust is involved.

Christian is a billionaire with nearly unlimited wealth at his disposal, and he buys Ana extravagant gifts. One of these gifts is a first-edition copy of Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the d’Urbervilles. You may be thinking, “Big deal. He bought her a nice book. She’s a British literature major. What a lovely gift.”

But in the note that comes with the book, Christian writes, “Why didn’t you tell me there was danger? Why didn’t you warn me? Ladies know what to guard against, because they read novels that tell them of these tricks.”

For those unfamiliar with Hardy’s novel, this is what the main character, Tess, says after being raped by her stalker in the woods. Right away Ana recognizes the quote from the book but doesn’t really think through its implications. It’s clear Christian wants Ana physically, and he will use whatever tricks he can to get her. Throughout the book, as their twisted romance unfolds, we see how Ana compares Christian to the villain of Hardy’s story.

Lie # 5: Pornography is morally acceptable.

The popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey will help persuade people (including the young and morally uninformed) that pornography is okay. But, as the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches, “Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. ”

Don’t be fooled. Fifty Shades of Grey is nothing but poorly written, violent pornography.

If you or someone you love is hooked on porn and want or wants to be free, download my free new e-book, The Battle Plan, and my new audio presentation, “The Hidden Battle.”

______________________________

m-fraddMatt Fradd is the author of the new book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who Turned from Porn to Purity. 

Filed Under: Porn, etc.

May 14, 2014 By Matt Fradd

5 Things to Know and Share About Sex Trafficking

1. WHAT IS SEX TRAFFICKING

Sex trafficking is a subset of human trafficking  and has been defined by the 2013 Trafficking in Persons Report as a “severe form” of trafficking in which “a commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud, or coercion.”

2. HOW BIG IS THE PROBLEM?

Big! Ernie Allen, president of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children conservatively estimates there are at least 100,000 US children per year used for the purpose of commercial sexual exploitation. Steve Wagner, former director of the Human Trafficking Program at the US Department of Health and Human Services, estimates this number is closer to a quarter of a million kids per year.

“The only way not to find this problem in any city,” says Allen,” is simply not to look for it.”

3. IS THERE A LINK BETWEEN PORN AND SEX TRAFFICKING?

Indeed there is. To quote Laura Lederer, former Senior Advisor on Trafficking in Persons for the U.S. State Department,  “Pornography is a brilliant social marketing campaign for commercial sexual exploitation.”

Porn is marketing for sex trafficking both directly and indirectly: directly because online and offline hubs for trafficking use pornographic images to draw the buyers, indirectly because of porn’s influence on the culture.

A key ingredient to the success of commercial sex is the belief that people (women especially) are sexual commodities, and Internet pornography is the ideal vehicle to teach and train this belief. Catherine MacKinnon of Harvard Law says, “consuming pornography is an experience of bought sex” and thus it creates a hunger to continue to purchase and objectify, and act out what is seen. For some, this means objectifying their wife, girlfriend, or acquaintances. For others, this means turning to the world of commercial sex.

4. WHAT ARE SOME ORGANIZATIONS THAT ARE SEEKING TO COMBAT SEXUAL TRAFFICKING AND HELP THOSE WHO ARE TRAFFICKED?

There are a number of great organizations doing great work in this area: 

Global Centurion; Shared Hope International; Destiny Rescue, andChildren of the Immaculate Heart.

5. WHAT CAN I DO TO FIGHT SEXUAL TRAFFICKING?

Here are three simple action steps you can take immediately to begin fighting sex trafficking:

1. Get serious about overcoming your own tendency to sexually objectify others through pornography.Learn the steps to take now.

2. Download and read the free ebook, Stop the Demand: The Role of Porn in Sex Trafficking, then use social media to your advantage to share it with as many people as you possibly can.

3. Give to help rescue and rehabilitate victims. You can Sponsor a rescued child through groups like Destiny Rescue.

Most of the content of this post was taken from a new ebook we’re offering for free at Covenant Eyes entitled, Stop the Demand: The Role of Porn in Sex Trafficking. Download and share now!

_______________________________

m-fraddMatt Fradd is the author of the new book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who Turned from Porn to Purity. 

Filed Under: Porn, etc.

May 12, 2014 By Matt Fradd

6 Ways to Protect your Kids From Porn

I’d like to begin this post with a warning from the U.S Justice Department:

“Never before in the history of telecommunications media in the United States has so much indecent and obscene material been so easily accessible by so many minors in so many American homes with so few restrictions.”

If that sounds about right, it will be sobering to consider that it was written in 1996—before wireless broadband, before iPads, before selfies and sexting. Before pornography took over twelve percent of the Internet, with more than 25 million sites today raking in over $5 billion a year. Before it was considered common practice, as it is today, for porn consumption to begin with a first encounter around age 11 and go on to radically shape the ideas that teens and young adults have about sexual intimacy.

Now, before you tell me that there’s no way your child is looking at porn, consider this: Porn is made, not by back alley perverts peddling nude photos to dirty old men, but by multimillion dollar companies that have a vested interest in getting kids—your kids—into porn when they are young.

Two week ago I was contacted by a prominent leader in the Church. He told me that his teenage son just confessed to him that he had been looking at porn regularly for the past year. The man said to me, “I talk to parents all the time about why it’s so necessary that they protect their children, that they get accountability and filtering software, but I never did.” You might be surprised at how many times I hear that from people who should know better.

So here are five things that you need to start doing if you want to protect your children from porn:

1. EDUCATE YOURSELF

Educate yourself about the dangers of pornography. If you aren’t convinced that porn is harmful, you won’t be motivated to protect your family from it. Here are three free resources that can help. 1) A free ebook on up to date Pornography Statistics , 2) Bishop Loverde’s recent pastoral letter on pornography, Bought with a Price, and 3) a great article by Dr. Donal L. Hilton, Jr. on how porn affects the brain, Slave Master: How Pornography Drugs and Changes Your Brain.

2. TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT PORN

Talk to your children about pornography. One former pornographer, Martin Daubney, after having researched how pornography affects the minds and lives of children, wrote this:

“Like many parents, I fear that my boy’s childhood could be taken away by pornography. So we have to fight back. We need to get tech-savvy, and as toe-curling as it seems, we are the first generation that will have to talk to our children about porn. We have to tell our kids that pornographic sex is fake and real sex is about love, not lust. By talking to them, they stand a chance. If we stick our head in the sand, we are fooling only ourselves.”

One way you can learn how to talk to your children, in an age-appropriate way, about the dangers of pornography is by getting the book, Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids.

3. PUT PROTECTIONS IN PLACE

You need to put all the proper protections in place. You need to use technology to your advantage to block access to pornographic images. There are places online children (or anyone for that matter) have no business going to, and there are technological ways to prevent children from accidentally or purposely finding these places.

When I meet parents and speak to them about the destructive nature of pornography, I never ask them if they have internet filtering and accountability software on their computers, phones, and tablets. I ask them what internet filtering and accountability software they use. In other words, it’s if you want to protect your kids from porn, filtering and accountability is not an option, it’s a necessity.

4. KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THEY GO ONLINE

Parents need to access accurate information about what your kids are already doing online. You need to be monitoring all the places your kids go online, all the choices they’re making. This is what distinguishes accountability software from filtering. Filtering blocks the bad stuff but it doesn’t tell you where your kids went online, or what they searched for. Accountability software does.

5. A REGULAR REMINDER TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS

It’s not enough to know that you should talk to your kids about pornography, or even how you should do it. You need a regular reminder to do so. A kid’s time on a computer tends to be out-of-sight-out-of-mind for most parents. It’s easy to let weeks or months go by without a single conversation about what kids are doing online. So we need to have a built-in reminder because it is so easy to forget.

Steps 2-5 can be accomplished by downloading Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes has a great filter but its claim to fame is that it invented accountability software.

What is accountability software? Here’s how it works: Once you sign up to Covenant Eyes, it asks you to enter the email(s) of an accountability partner. Since you’re installing this for your children, you would be the accountability partner. You may then choose to receive a complied report once a day, once a week, once a month; you decide. From that point on, if your children visit any websites they shouldn’t, you’ll know about it. Learn more by watching this short video.

6. SPEAK TO OTHER PARENTS

Finally, would you ever allow your kids to play at a friend’s house whose Dad kept piles of porn about the place? Of course not. And yet if the parents of your child’s friend do not have the proper protections in place on their own computer, game consoles, phones, etc. then there’s a strong chance your child will be exposed to pornography. I personally will not allow my child to play at friend’s house who does not have good filtering on all devices.

_______________________________

m-fraddMatt Fradd is the author of the new book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who Turned from Porn to Purity. 

Filed Under: Breaking Free, Marriage & Family, Parenting, Porn, etc.

April 7, 2014 By Matt Fradd

Why Struggling With Porn Is A Good Thing

Whenever I’m interviewed on the topic of pornography, my interviewer usually begins by reminding the audience of what a ginormous problem pornography is. He then lists some (questionable) statistics on the size of the industry; recounts how this many men and that many women are addicted to it, and essentially, how the entire culture is going to hell in a hand basket.

Now all of this, I think, is true (My friend, Patrick Coffin, often asks, “Where are we going and why are we in this basket?”), but It’s also true that our Lord Jesus Christ has said, “take courage; I have conquered the world!” (Jn. 16:33).

As we battle the culture of death, we cannot forget this.

STRUGGLING WITH PORN CAN = GROWTH IN HOLINESS

In today’s post, I’d like to remind us (or perhaps inform you) that despite how discouraging things may seem, struggling with pornography can be a beautiful and productive means of becoming holy, of becoming a saint.

DEFINING ‘STRUGGLE’

Many Christians I encounter, seem to think that the word “struggle” is synonymous with “give into.” We hear people say, “I’ve been struggling with porn,” and we assume they mean “I’ve been giving into porn,” and that’s what they do mean. But struggle doesn’t mean “give into,” in fact, it means the opposite; it means “to contend with an adversary or opposing force.”

Since this is the definition of struggle, if you are tempted to view pornography, I hope you won’t take offense when I say, I hope you struggle with porn! Obviously, we should not seek it out in order to struggle against it, but when a person experiences such temptations, he or she can actually gain merit by resisting them.

GROWTH IN VIRTUE

When we struggle, when we “contend with an adversary or opposing force,” we grow stronger. This is true with our struggle with pornography. When we struggle with pornography we grow in virtue. But it’s not just the virtue of purity we grow in, but many others besides. Let’s look at five in no particular order:

1. PATIENCE

Though pornography offers a quick fix to our momentary affliction or pain, by struggling with it, we grow in the virtue of patience; we learn to endure hardship manfully.

2. SELF-MASTERY

The man who struggles with pornography gains mastery over himself. As the Catechism puts it, “Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy.”

3. HUMILITY

Struggling with pornography is a constant reminder of how weak, and of how in need of him, we are. St. Paul spoke about having a “thorn in the flesh,” though it’s unclear what this thorn represented, he tells us that it was to keep him humble: “To keep me from being too elated a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated” (2 Cor. 12:7).

4. COURAGE

Courage does not mean that one is not afraid (if one were not afraid, courage would not be required), rather it means choosing to do what is right in spite of fear, or pain, or uncertainty. And indeed, standing up against one’s own fallen desires, when (what feels like) the entire world is telling you to give in, takes courage!

5. TEMPERANCE:

“Temperance is the moral virtue that moderates the attraction of pleasures and provides balance in the use of created goods.”
If a man or woman is struggling with pornography, then he is certainly growing in this virtue. And if he can learn to say no to sexual sin, then he’ll certainly become stronger in saying no to less tempting pleasures, legitimate or not. “[Temperence] ensures the will’s mastery over instincts and keeps desires within the limits of what is honorable.”

So there you have it. Struggling against pornography can be a beautiful and effective means of growing in sanctity.

I know how easy it is to get depressed when we consider how quickly our culture appears to be sliding into utter decay, but we need to remember that Scripture promises that “where sin increased, grace abounded all the more” (Rom. 5:20). We need to recognize and remind each other that we have here not just a struggle, but an opportunity to tap into a massive outpouring of God’s grace.

Think about it. Every person, every Christian, every saint who lived before the internet lacked one opportunity that we have: to choose Christ by rejecting, day after day, this uniquely modern and anonymous sin of porn.

So struggle on brothers and sisters, and remind yourselves often of our Blessed Lord’s words: “take courage; I have conquered the world!” (Jn. 16:33).

_______________________________

m-fraddMatt Fradd is the author of the new book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who Turned from Porn to Purity. 

Filed Under: Porn, etc.

January 31, 2014 By Matt Fradd

7 Spiritual Weapons to Battle Pornography

In this post I would like to suggest seven spiritual weapons that have great effects in the battle against pornography. Here they are, not in any particular order:

1. THE EUCHARIST

My bishop once told me of a conversation he had with a Protestant minister:

“Do you really believe that the Eucharist is Jesus?” Asked the minister, “and not simply a symbol?”

“That’s right,” Said my Bishop, “what do you believe?”

“I think it’s just a symbol. But I’ll tell you one thing, if I did believe that, I’d crawl over broken glass daily to receive him.”

That story has always stuck with me. I confess with my lips that the Eucharist is truly the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus Christ, but do I confess that truth with my actions?

Do you?

Fourth century Church Father St. John Chrysostom once wrote that “the Eucharist is a fire that inflames us, that, like lions breathing fire, we may retire from the altar being made terrible to the devil.” Let us take advantage of that!

In addition to receiving the Eucharist at Mass, begin to spend time before our Blessed Lord in Eucharistic adoration. Instead of staring upon the flesh of pornography, begin staring upon the flesh of God that was crucified to redeem you.

I’ve said elsewhere that lack of time is a poor excuse, let’s be honest, we always find time for that which we love. You probably found time to waste it on social media today. I certainly found it to line up at my favorite coffee shop (3 times‚—don’t judge!).

Mother Teresa once wrote, “Jesus has made Himself the Bread of Life to give us life. Night and day, He is there. If you really want to grow in love, come back to the Eucharist, come back to that Adoration.”

 2. CONFESSION

Our blessed Lord gave his apostles—the first priests and Bishops of the Catholic Church—the ability to forgive sins (John 20:21-23). That charism still resides with our priests today. In the sacrament of confession, not only are we cleansed of our sins, but we are given the grace to resist those sins in the future.

St. Faustina had this to say about this powerful Sacrament:

Tell souls where they are to look for solace; that is, in the Tribunal of Mercy. There the greatest miracles take place [and] are incessantly repeated. . . . Were a soul like a decaying corpse so that from a human standpoint, there would be no [hope of ] restoration and everything would already be lost, it is not so with God. The miracle of Divine Mercy restores that soul in full. Oh, how miserable are those who do not take advantage of the miracle of God’s mercy! You will call out in vain, but it will be too late. (Diary 1448)

Though the Church only requires us to receive this sacrament once a year, many Popes and saints have advised us to go more often. The purpose of frequenting this sacrament isn’t to become scrupulous and guild-ridden, (scrupulosity is not a cross the Lord calls us to carry but a scourge of Satan he commands us to renounce!) but, to turn our eyes away from ourselves and toward him. In doing so we begin to live in the freedom of the children of God (Romans 8:21).

3. THE ROSARY

You’d be hard pressed to find a devotion which, after adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, has been so frequently and persistently advocated by the saints. “Among all the devotions approved by the Church,”  wrote Pope Pius IX, ”none has been so favored by so many miracles as the devotion of the Most Holy Rosary.”

Sister Lucia dos Santos (one of three children at Fatima who claimed to have witnessed  and conversed with the virgin Mary), for example, wrote,  ”The Most Holy Virgin in these last times in which we live has given a new efficacy to the recitation of the Rosary to such an extent that there is no problem, no matter how difficult it is, whether temporal or above all spiritual, in the personal life of each one of us [or] of our families…that cannot be solved by the Rosary. There is no problem, I tell you, no matter how difficult it is, that we cannot resolve by the prayer of the Holy Rosary.”

So What is the Rosary? Simply put, and in the words of Blessed John Paul II, it “is nothing other than to contemplate with Mary the face of Christ.”

To commit to praying the rosary, perhaps even daily, is to commit to spending fifteen to twenty minutes in quiet contemplation. Often those who use pornography habitually say they experience an inner disquiet that can make contemplation seem almost impossible. The rosary is a practical and beautiful way to reverse that problem, to begin quieting our minds and our passions.

The famous words of one bishop, Hugh Doyle, are appropriate here: “No one can live continually in sin and continue to say the Rosary: either they will give up sin or they will give up the rosary.”

4. FASTING

In my book, Delivered, I wrote:

In the battle of the flesh, fasting can also be a powerful way to pray. You could say that prayer without fasting is like boxing with one hand tied behind your back, and that fasting without prayer is, well, dieting.

To achieve purity both are needed. “If you are able to fast,” writes St. Francis de Sales, “you will do well to observe some days beyond what are ordered by the Church, for besides the ordinary effect of fasting in raising the mind, subduing the flesh, confirming goodness, and obtaining a heavenly reward, it is also a great matter to be able to control greediness, and to keep the sensual appetites and the whole body subject to the law of the Spirit.”

The vice that often leads to sexual sin is a lack of self-mastery. Fasting from legitimate pleasures, even small ones, builds up that virtue within us. When I get a plate of hot fries I may choose to deny myself salt. When I pour myself a cup of coffee I may choose to deny myself cream or sugar. The regular habit of denying us good things gives us the inner strength to avoid bad ones.

Put it this way: If we can’t say no to a cookie or another slice of pizza, how will we ever say no to the temptation to look at pornography?

You might consider joining E5 men, an online community of thousands of men who fast once a month for their wives (or their future wives). Another idea might be to fast for the men and women we have objectified by using pornography.

5. ST. JOSEPH CORD

The St. Joseph cord (or cincture), like the one priests wear at Mass, is a sign of chastity, and has been since the Church’s beginning—and before. Old Testament priests wore cinctures, consecrated Virgins and religious wear cinctures, and the wearing of cinctures in honor of a particular Saint is ancient, first spoken of in the life of St. Monica, the mother of St. Augustine.

The Cord itself is simply a white cord of thread or cotton, knotted in 7 places—one knot for each of the 7 Sorrows of St. Joseph and their related Joys, they being:

Screen Shot 2014-01-31 at 11.51.16 AM

Each day one is to recite seven Gloria’s (Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.) while meditating upon the seven sorrows and joys of St. Joseph, and then offer this prayer:

Guardian of virgins, and holy father Joseph, to whose faithful custody Christ Jesus, Innocence itself, and Mary, Virgin of virgins, were committed; I pray and beseech thee, by these dear pledges, Jesus and Mary, that, being preserved from all uncleanness, I may with spotless mind, pure heart, and chaste body, ever serve Jesus and Mary most chastely all the days of my life. Amen.

You can purchase a St. Joseph Cord here.

6. SACRED SCRIPTURE

The Word of God is, as Hebrews 4:12 tells us, “living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword.” Memorizing Scripture verses that pertain to purity can be of great help in moments of temptation. Here are over twenty Scripture verses for you to look up, reflect upon and memorize:

Screen Shot 2014-01-31 at 12.35.39 PM

7. HOLY WATER

Another spiritual weapon you might use in the fight against pornography is holy water. First let me reiterate my great joy in being Catholic. I love how the Church’s sacramentals validate and reinforce the goodness of material world.

What a comfort it is to do something as simple as dip your finger into holy water and trace the cross of Christ across your body. How is this not something that our Protestant brothers and sisters have adopted (or reinstated).

In her autobiography St.Teresa of Avila writes of how holy water is great weapon against Satan and his devils.

“From long experience I have learned that there is nothing like holy water to put devils to flight and prevent them from coming back again. They also flee from the Cross, but return; so holy water must have great virtue. . . .  One night . . . I thought the devils were stifling me; and when the nuns had sprinkled a great deal of holy water about I saw a huge crowd of them running away as quickly as though they were about to fling themselves down a steep place.

Let’s be honest; if it’s good enough for Teresa of Avila…

One More Thing

In addition to taking advantage of the Church’s sacraments and sacramentals, it’s vital that we educate ourselves about the destructive nature of pornography. One way pornography affects us is neurologically. I highly recommend this free ebook, Your Brain On Porn, written by my friend and coworker, Luke Gilkerson.

_______________________________

m-fraddMatt Fradd is the author of the new book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who Turned from Porn to Purity. 

Filed Under: Porn, etc.

October 29, 2013 By Matt Fradd

Are You Finally Ready to be Free? (Part 2)

In my last article we looked at two important approaches to heal from pornography: prayer and accountability. In this article we will look at three more.

3. Counseling

Sometimes the struggle for purity needs professional help, and there are plenty of good Christian counselors out there who are willing and waiting to give it. Sometimes people—men especially—can think that admitting they need counseling is something to be ashamed about. It is not. What would be shameful is realizing at the end of your life how much you and your loved ones suffered because you were too proud to seek healing.

How do you know if you may need counseling? Here are five questions to ask yourself. Answering yes to any of them could mean that you would benefit from professional counseling:

1. Do you have a preoccupation with pornography?

2. Have you had repeated unsuccessful attempts to control or stop viewing pornography?

3. Do you use pornography as a reward for hard work, and/or a way to escape problems or negative emotions?

4. Are you risking the loss of a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of the use of pornography?

5. Have you been thinking that you might need counseling because of your pornography use?

For more information, visit Integrity Restored, run by clinical psychotherapist Peter Kleponis. Dr. Kleponis is a Catholic who specializes in helping those struggling to be free of pornography.

4. Educate Yourself

In the battle against pornography, it’s important that we not only feed our souls, but our minds. Educating yourself on the destructive nature of pornography will help convince you to break free from it. Here’s what the Catechism has to say about it:

“Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials.”

Here are some resources that will help you unpack why pornography is so harmful and destructive:

Books

Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who turned from Porn to Purity by Matt Fradd.

Recovery from porn is possible, and this book proves it. Delivered contains ten stories of men and women who found freedom after having been ensnared by pornography.

Wired For Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain by William M. Struthers.

Dr. Struthers, a neuroscientist and researcher, explains in fascinating detail the devastating neurological effects of porn use and how they can be reversed.

The Pornography Epidemic: A Catholic Approach by Peter C. Kleponis.

Here Dr. Kleponis offers a Catholic approach to fighting porn both in our personal lives and in our culture.

Websites

Beggars Daughter provides helpful tools, advice and support to women struggling with sexual sin such as pornography and masturbation.

Chastity Project is the most comprehensive site on the web resource for promoting the virtue of chastity.

Articles

Slave Master: How Pornography Drugs & Changes Your Brain by Donal L. Hilton Jr.

Neurosurgeon Donald L. Hilton explains the addictive effects pornography has on the human brain.

Parenting the Porn Generation by Matt Fradd

In this article I explain the grim reality that confronts our children today and offer practical tips about how to parent them wisely on the Internet.

Five Myths About Porn by former porn performer April Garris

Former porn actress April Garris exposes five myths that are commonly believed about the porn industry.

Audio Products

Taking Down Goliath by Matt Fradd

In this audio presentation I share my own story of recovery and suggest five strategies (more detailed than the ones presented here) to get porn out of your life.

The Ugly Truth: Two Former Insiders Expose the Reality Behind the Porn Industry In this audio presentation I conduct two interviews: the first with a former porn actress and the second is with a former Playboy producer. The Ugly Truth is a difficult but edifying listen, and a sobering answer to porn’s lies.

Porn Detox:  by Jason Evert

This CD (also available on iTunes and Amazon MP3) provides great tips to help men conquer their daily temptations with lust, with special emphasis on breaking free from pornography.

5. Patient Perseverance

Finally, be patient with yourself. Remember that the wounds you have received didn’t come about overnight, and the healing won’t take place overnight also. It takes time, perseverance, and determination.

“Have patience with all things,” urges St. Francis de Sales, “but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them—every day begin the task anew.”

Several years ago, as I stood in line for the sacrament of confession, about to confess for the umpteenth time a sin I couldn’t seem to quit, I began to fear that God’s mercy was running out. I didn’t doubt that God would pardon a person who turned to him after a life of the most heinous sins imaginable. What I did doubt was that he would continue to forgive me. How many times have I said, “I will never do this again,” only to return to that sin like a dog to its vomit (2 Pet. 2:22).

At that moment, by God’s grace no doubt, I was reminded of the incident in the gospel of Matthew when Peter approached our Lord with a question:

“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven” (Matt. 18:21-22).

Now what our Lord did not mean was that Peter was to forgive his brother 490 times and then no more. No, rather, “seventy times seven” signified perfection and consistency. It then occurred to me, if God’s forgiveness is not like that—perfect and consistent—then Jesus was commanding Peter to act in a way that was contrary to the nature of God.

The truth is, God is infinite in all of his attributes. In fearing that God’s mercy was slowly evaporating, I was unintentionally making God in my image. If you have ever been tempted to doubt God’s mercy as I did, or if you’re tempted to do that now, please ingrain the following words from St. Claude de la Colombiere into your brain:

“I glorify You in making known how good you are towards sinners, and that your mercy prevails over all malice, that nothing can destroy it, that no matter how many times or how shamefully we fall, or how criminally, a sinner need not be driven to despair of Your pardon… It is in vain that your enemy and mine sets new traps for me every day. He will make me lose everything else before the hope that I have in your mercy.”

Regardless of where you have been or what you have done, be at peace. The same God who forgave Moses the murderer, Rahab the prostitute, David the adulterer, and Peter the denier will forgive you also. All you have to do is seek that forgiveness with a contrite heart. The only sin God won’t forgive is the one you will not ask forgiveness for.

_______________________________

m-fraddMatt Fradd is the author of the new book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who Turned from Porn to Purity. 

Filed Under: Breaking Free, Masturbation, Porn, etc.

October 21, 2013 By Matt Fradd

Are You Finally Ready to be Free? (Part 1)

If you or someone you love struggles with pornography, it’s my hope that the following two blogs will be of help to you as you seek to be free, and seek to be healed.

In this blog I will suggest two approaches, and in my next one I will suggest three, that are proven to help those who want to be free from pornography.

Before we look at these five steps, however, I think it’s important to dispel a myth about purity that many people believe: that it’s a destination. In reality, purity is not so much a destination as it is a daily choice. If you are thinking of purity as a state you’ll arrive at after such and such a time, or once you get your prayer life in order, you will almost certainly remain frustrated and discouraged. Why? Because even after we have come to the Lord we are still left with a fallen human nature and “must still combat the movements of concupiscence that never cease leading us into evil” (CCC 978). Sexual purity involves self-mastery, which is a “long and exacting work [that] one can never consider. . .acquired once and for all. It presupposes renewed effort at all stages of life” (CCC 2342).

That said, the following steps are crucial and, in my humble opinion, indispensable to anyone who is serious about overcoming his porn problem.

1. Prayer

The importance of prayer may seem so obvious, perhaps even trite, that you might think it isn’t worth mentioning. But guess what? When we stop mentioning it, we stop doing it. Many people—perhaps even you—often complain that they just don’t have the time to pray, or can just manage to rattle off an Our Father before bedtime.

Lack of time is a lame excuse, though, for we always find time for that which we love.

Despite our busy schedules we usually find time for TV, Facebook, waiting in line for coffee… and sin. So from now on, don’t say, “I don’t have time to pray.” Be honest and say, “I don’t have the love to pray.”

And then tell our Lord that. Tell him “I don’t have love,” in a similar way to how our Lady told Jesus at the wedding of Cana “they have no wine” (Jn. 2:3). She didn’t make demands of Jesus, she simply stated a fact, trusting that he would act. We should do likewise.

Allow me to suggest three methods of prayer which have been of great help to myself, followed by a short prayer for purity that was written by St. Thomas Aquinas:

The Rosary

“To recite the Rosary,” wrote Pope John Paul II, “is nothing other than to contemplate with Mary the face of Christ.” To commit to praying the rosary, perhaps even daily, is to commit to spending fifteen to twenty minutes in quiet contemplation. Often those who use pornography habitually say they experience an inner disquiet that can make contemplation seem almost impossible. The rosary is a practical and beautiful way to reverse that problem, to begin quieting our minds and our passions.

Some people dismiss the rosary as too simple, a prayer for blue-haired church ladies. Though it’s true that the Rosary is a humble prayer, this is by no means a defect. Consider the humble offering of the young boy who volunteered five barley loaves to our Lord (John. 6:9). That two was a simple offering, but its result was magnificent! In the same way, when we offer the five decades of the rosary through the hands of our Blessed Mother to Jesus, what can he not do?

The famous words of one bishop, Hugh Doyle, are appropriate here: “No one can live continually in sin and continue to say the Rosary: either they will give up sin or they will give up the rosary.”

Scripture

The Word of God is, as Hebrews 4:12 tells us, “living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword.” Memorizing Scripture verses that pertain to purity can be of great help in moments of temptation. Here are over twenty Scripture verses for you to look up:

Purity Temptation Sexual Sin Mercy Spritual
Warfare
Matt 5:8 Jas 1:14-15 Sir 23:18 Mk 2:17 1 Pet 5:8-9
1 Tim 4:12 1 Cor 10:13 1 Thes 4:3-8 Ps 51:1-2 Eph 6:10-17
Phil 4:8 2 Tim 2:22 Mk 9:47 Heb 8:12 John 10:10
Ps 24:3-4 Ps 101:3-4 Ps 51:1-2 Ps 103:12 Rom 12:2
Sir 7:36 Ps 119:9

Fasting

In the battle of the flesh, fasting can also be a powerful way to pray. You could say that prayer without fasting is like boxing with one hand tied behind your back, and that fasting without prayer is, well, dieting. To achieve purity both are needed. “If you are able to fast,” writes St. Francis de Sales, “you will do well to observe some days beyond what are ordered by the Church, for besides the ordinary effect of fasting in raising the mind, subduing the flesh, confirming goodness, and obtaining a heavenly reward, it is also a great matter to be able to control greediness, and to keep the sensual appetites and the whole body subject to the law of the Spirit.”

The vice that often leads to sexual sin is a lack of self-mastery. Fasting from legitimate pleasures, even small ones, builds up that virtue within us. When I get a plate of hot fries I may choose to deny myself salt. When I pour myself a cup of coffee I may choose to deny myself cream or sugar. The regular habit of denying us good things gives us the inner strength to avoid bad ones. Put it this way: If we can’t say no to a cookie or another slice of pizza, how will we ever say no to the temptation to look at pornography?

2. Become Accountable

Accountability means allowing another person to remind you of who you are and who you desire to be. It means being transparent with a trusted friend or mentor about your struggles so that he can offer encouragement and support. It’s an ongoing reminder that no sin is private; that even our hidden choices can have disastrous consequences.

I have never met anyone who was able to break free from porn without accountability. No recovering porn user can be an island! We need each other. If you’re a Catholic then one obvious and necessary way to be accountable is to find a good confessor and stick to him. Don’t “priest hop” because you’re ashamed of confessing the sin again so soon. The priest is not there to judge you but to love you. Confessing to the same priest will be an opportunity to humble yourself while honestly facing the severity of your problem.

One very practical—and in my opinion essential—tool for online accountability is accountability software called Covenant Eyes. Instead of just blocking certain websites (although it has that function also), it monitors all the sites that you visit and then sends a report to your accountability partner (it even monitors the websites behind the advertisements on the site you’re visiting). Online accountability changes your web-surfing mentality: Rather than wondering how you could get around a filter to visit some forbidden-fruit website, you will know that you could visit the website, but that you will be held accountable for it.

When you think about it, isn’t this how the heavenly Father acts towards us? He could “block” us from turning our backs on him and from the pain our sins bring, but he does not. Rather he teaches us right from wrong, and implores us to do what’s right (while giving us the grace necessary to do it). He does not censor our every thought and action because he desires us to grow up to be responsible moral agents: sons and daughters who freely choose what is good.

Covenant Eyes seems to have thought of all the loopholes porn users will think of ahead of time. For example, if you delete your account, view porn and then reinstall your account, your accountability partner will be notified. If the temptation to view porn at any moment threatens to overwhelm you, there is also a “panic button” you can click. Your Internet will be completely disabled; the only way to get it back is to contact the folks at Covenant Eyes.

For a free 30 day trial, use the promo code “pureinheart.”

In my next article we will look at three more approaches to freedom from pornography.

Prayer for Purity by St. Thomas Aquinas

Dear Jesus, I know that every perfect gift, and especially that of chastity, depends on the power of your providence. Without you a mere creature can do nothing. Therefore, I beg you to defend by your grace the chastity and purity of my body and soul. And if I have ever sensed or imagined anything that could stain my chastity and purity, blot it out, Supreme Lord of my powers, that I may advance with a pure heart in your love and service, offering myself on the most pure altar of your divinity
all the days of my life. Amen.

_______________________________

m-fraddMatt Fradd is the author of the new book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who Turned from Porn to Purity. 

Filed Under: Breaking Free, Porn, etc.

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