Chastity

Promoting the Virtue of Chastity

Maura Byrne

By

To the Girl without a Father

The most pandemic wound of our world is fatherlessness. Every little girl yearns to be pursued by her father. She desires to be wanted. She asks the questions, Do you delight in me? Am I worth fighting for? Do you want me? Do you see me? Do you value me? Am I beautiful? Am I enough? When these questions are answered through a father appropriately loving, touching, kissing and affirming his daughter she doesn’t need to run off with the first boy who finds her attractive.

But when these questions aren’t answered in an appropriate way, she seeks to find these answers on her own. When a father doesn’t give his daughter the attention and love she craves, her need for male acceptance is bottomless. Often times these unanswered questions lead to eating disorders, depression and promiscuity to name a few.

All my life I’ve yearned for love. Craved physical touch so deeply at times I thought I’d faint. Ached for it, yet feared it with every fiber of my being. I was abused so much I didn’t even know what good physical touch should feel like. As a little girl and teenager I was never told I was beautiful or enough. These unanswered questions left my curiosity with a hunger that couldn’t satisfied my heart.

I searched for these answers on my own. I thought if I achieved a certain weight I would feel beautiful and enough. But the truth is, the more weight I lost the more empty I felt. My quest to find beauty could have killed me.  I got so sick that I could literally hear my heart struggling to beat. I was petrified. One night I took my pulse and it was in the high twenties. I fought back the tears because I was afraid my heart wouldn’t be capable of handling the energy my tears would produce. My bones were protruding, I was freezing, my hair was falling out in clumps, my finger nails were purple and I had fine hair growing all over my body. I was killing myself. All my heart ached for was to be held and told I was beautiful.

In college I pursued men because I wanted to be noticed. This left me feeling even more empty and alone. Every guy I liked was addicted to pornography. What the heck was wrong with me? Was this my fault? 

Then a guy wanted me to get plastic surgery. When he mentioned those words my heart froze. I felt gross. So does this mean I’m not beautiful? You don’t like me just the way I am? You don’t think I’m attractive? You think I’m ugly. Even though I would never even consider the mere thought of plastic surgery, those were painful words to hear.

Then I went to India and my life changed.

I never knew that God the Father loved me and didn’t even really know He existed. In India, Eric Clark, a FOCUS missionary at the time, gave a talk about God the Father’s love. I broke down and wept. I had never heard about a love like that before. I couldn’t fathom someone loving me the way in which Eric described how God loves us. He used adjectives to describe God the Father that were foreign to me. He said God was gentle, loving, merciful, understanding, compassionate, and that He adored us (His creation). It was exceedingly challenging for me to digest what Eric was saying. But there was something about God the Father that captivated me. Even though I didn’t know Him or understand how He could love me, I yearned to with all my heart. I desperately craved love. And not the counterfeit love that the world offers, but genuine authentic love – the love of the Father.

After Eric’s talk I went up to him, Eric I want to know God like that. Can you teach me? One of the things Eric told me was that in order to know God, I must frequent the sacraments. So I made a commitment that I would attend daily Mass, go to adoration and go to confession more.

It changed my life.

As I healed I learned that my validation of beauty and sense of acceptance isn’t the width of my waist, my BMI, the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend or the fact that I do. I can never quench my yearning to be loved through the number that flashes back at me on the scale. My worth comes from my intrinsic dignity as a human being.

I want to lovingly encourage you that no matter where you are with your relationship with God to make a commitment to get to know Him more. If you don’t pray at all, then pray for 5 mins. If you don’t go to Sunday Mass, then go this Sunday. If you already go to Sunday Mass, then pick an extra day to go during the week too. Pray the Rosary and if you’ve never prayed it, that’s okay, just start. Take little steps each day at furthering your relationship with God the Father. And sit in silence too and ask Him to show you who you are as His daughter. He sees beauty in you. Tell Him you long to see it too.

God adores you. You are precious to Him. You are His daughter. He loves you so. And He desires to lavish His love on you. You are beautiful, wanted and loved. You are enough.

I would go to Adoration and just sit there in silence. Daily I would ask Him, oftentimes in tears, to show me the beauty He sees in me. I would beg Him to show me His love. Then I would just be still. He showed me His love and how beautiful I am because I’m His daughter.

I’m far from perfect and I definitely don’t have it all together, but I still do these things daily and will for the rest of my life. A lot of women have told me that they think if they had a boyfriend or husband everything in their lives would be better. This is not true ladies. The truth is, if I didn’t first and foremost find my identity and beauty in our sweet Father I would never believe my boyfriend when he tells me I’m beautiful. Never. No exceptions. You must find your beauty and worth in God first.

Read the book The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen. It changed my life and I know it will change yours too.

And don’t forget, no matter what you have done, the Father adores you. He died to take your sin. You are His creation. He created you out of love, to be loved. He has a plan for you! You have a purpose. Go to Him. He is waiting with His loving, compassionate and gentle Arms to forgive, heal and restore you.

Worry about finding a man to love you?

God created the universe, surely He didn’t forget about your future. Every woman yearns for a man who is going to protect and cherish her. And remember, you are worth waiting for. You are worth a man who will fight for you. A man who will protect and cherish you. A man who will truly keep you safe in ever sense of the word. Wait for a man to honor you for the beautiful gift that you are. The man God has for you won’t pressure you to have sex, he will wait patiently until your wedding night, so you can both give yourselves to each other as a sincere gift of self. Don’t ever conform to immorality to attract a man. And if you have sinned in the past, then go to confession and begin again. You are worth more than that. In fact, your worth is beyond human comprehension.

Also if someone is pressuring you to change your body, remember that plastic surgery is like saying, sorry God, but you didn’t make me good enough. I think I should help you out there and make a few changes. Satan throws lies at our insecurities all the time saying we aren’t good enough. But confidence in God, can and will, combat those lies. In order to do that, you need to be firmly rooted in who you are. Ladies, don’t let society mold your confidence.

My last nugget of advice to you and something I have learned over the years… Don’t search for your father’s love everywhere, find it in the Father.

P.S. You are enough.

(Used with permission from www.madeinhisimage.org)

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mauraMaura Byrne is a former Division 1 runner and soccer player. She loves the ocean, surfing, swimming, running, California, anything adventurous, J.crew, gerber daisies, wine, baking, gourmet cooking, and serving the poor and dying in India. She lives in San Diego, CA, and founded the ministry www.madeinhisimage.org, to help offer healing for women suffering from eating disorders, physical, and or sexual abuse, which entails, educating all women on the nature and dignity of the human person, created in the image and likeness of God.

 

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Why I’m Waiting to Have Sex Until I’m Married

My inbox is flooded daily with questions from young women saying, My boyfriend says that if I really love him, I’ll have sex with him. If I don’t have sex with him, I’m afraid he’ll leave me. If I don’t give him what he wants I’m terrified he’ll cheat on me. My boyfriend looks at porn and it makes me feel like I’m not enough. My friends tell me that if I really love him, then I’ll sleep with him. I just want to feel loved and wanted. These are just a few of the things I read daily.

It is my hope that God the Father will inspire you through this post to see your tremendous worth and the dignity that you possess as His child, as well as the sacredness of sex designed for a husband and wife and that you won’t settle for a man who doesn’t pursue, honor and protect you.

Why I’m Waiting to Have Sex:

True story. One time a man told me I was a prude because I said I wasn’t going to have sex until I was married. Guess what I said to him, See ya. Besides, ain’t nobody got time for that disrespect. I’m worth more than that. My worth is something that has taken me a long time to discover and I’m still discovering it. No one ever arrives in life, there is always more to learn.

Want to hear something that might shock you? God created sex. Yup, you heard me right. God Himself designed sex for a husband and wife to bring forth new life into the world and to find delight in each other’s bodies. With this being said, sex should not be taken lightly. Has it been easy to be 27 and not have had sex? No. Have I been tempted to have sex? Yes. But Christ Himself was tempted, but didn’t sin. And this is the standard we have been called to attain. Of course we are human and will fall, but we must seek God’s forgiveness and begin again when this happens.

When I first heard about God’s plan for our sexuality I was captivated and sought out more of His Truth. This is when I learned about what I was worth and how I am worth a man who will stand up and heroically protect my purity (and of course vice versa). So just because I am waiting to have sex until I’m married doesn’t mean I haven’t been tempted. But this is the beauty of chastity, as chastity is simply an ordered approach to love. God has placed that desire on my heart for me to give myself to my future husband and I trust He will fulfill that desire, but with a man who has made a life time commitment to me. My sexuality is one of the greatest gifts I am saving for him and only him.

I will only give myself to my future husband and a man who can say the following to me. I have taken you in my arms, and I love you, and I prefer you to my life itself. For the present life is nothing, and my most ardent dream is to spend it with you in such a way that we may be assured of not being separated in the life reserved for us. I place your love above all things, and nothing would be more bitter or painful to me than to be of a different mind than you. – St. John Chrysostom, on what a husband should say to his bride

The Wound:

The most pandemic wound of our world is fatherlessness. Every little girl yearns to be pursued by her father. She desires to be wanted. She asks the questions, Do you delight in me? Am I worth fighting for? Do you want me? Do you see me? Do you value me? Am I beautiful? Am I enough? When these questions are answered through a father appropriately loving, touching, kissing and affirming his daughter she doesn’t need to run off with the first boy who finds her attractive.

But when these questions aren’t answered in an appropriate way, she seeks to find these answers on her own. When a father doesn’t give his daughter the attention and love she craves, her need for male acceptance is bottomless. Often times these unanswered questions lead to eating disorders, depression and promiscuity to name a few.

My advise to you, don’t search for your father’s love everywhere, find it in the Father.

Our Sexualized Culture:

Take for example a Victoria Secret model: Yes, Victoria Secret models are physically attractive and there is nothing wrong with physical beauty. God Himself created women to be this way, but physical beauty on its own lacks depth. God created women to inspire a sense of charm and wonder in a man. And this is very good, for this is God’s design.

Every woman yearns to be seen for more than her physical beauty. Because let’s be real, there is more to a woman than her appearance. But how can men see our hearts if we bare our flesh first? A woman’s body was not created to be flaunted on a runway wearing lingerie. Lingerie is for a woman’s husband, not a runway.

Similarly, People magazine can put a half-naked woman on the cover of their magazines and claim she wins the most beautiful woman of the year award. This is not true. Modesty reveals a woman’s inner beauty for the world to see, while preserving her body for her husband in the holy sacrament of marriage. Our culture has lost this sense of sacredness for the human body and the marital embrace. Typically, a bride and groom don’t see each other on their wedding day, so why would they look at each other’s bodies before they make their vows?

The Science Behind Sex:

Science proves that breaking up from a sexual relationship is more difficult than a non-sexual relationship. When a man and woman have sex there are many chemical processes that take place, for example the brain produces dopamine during sex, which is an exceedingly powerful chemical. Dopamine is responsible for internal pleasure and when a man and woman have sex it produces a bond that is not easily forgotten.

Oxytocin is also produced in great quantities, which is a very strong hormone produced mainly in women when they have sex, deliver their baby and are nursing. This is why sex is for bonding and babies and why mothers have such a profound bond with their baby. Oxytocin is also one of the reasons why a woman will stay with a man who is abusing her, because she is literally bonded with him.

The chemical that bonds a man to a woman is vasopressin and it has the same effect as oxytocin. This is why God designed sex for marriage, because it literally binds a husband and wife together. One might pose the question, Well I think I’m going to marry him or her anyway so we might as well have sex, right? Wrong. When you have sex you are bonding with your partner, therefore disrupting the discernment process. Sex will unite you together regardless and this is why there is so much heartache in our society today and one of the reasons why one night stands never work. Because now there is such an emotional attachment, but no life long commitment.

Healing:

One of the greatest treasures Blessed John Paul II left to the world is his book –Theology of the Body. In it he talks about the human person and explains how God is made manifested through humanity. Theology of the Body delves into what it truly means to be a man and woman, our sexuality and how we should live out our masculinity and femininity in accords with how God created us. If we yearn to be the best version of ourselves, then we must embrace the unique qualities of our gender. To do this we must go back to the very beginning when God created us. Genesis 1:27 tells us, God created man in His image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 

God created us out of love, for us to love and be loved. The way in which this love is expressed and revealed is different for men and women, which is how God in His infinite wisdom designed it to be. And it is the unique characteristics of men and women that enable this love to come to fruition. We exist to complement one another, a man as the pursuer and the woman as the receiver. In Theology of the Body, Blessed John Paul II tells us that we are called to exist as a gift for one another. He describes this gift as a sincere gift of self, and it is only when we lay down our life for another in this way that we will experience genuine fulfillment.

In order to understand God’s plan for humanity in our fallen world we must go back to the beginning and see what God intended for us. It is only when we do this that we will be filled with hope and peace. In the beginning of time after God created the world he saw that it wasn’t good for man to be alone, thus He created woman. Eve was created as a sincere gift for Adam, and Adam as a gift for her. They were created to complement one another in their union, each to offer themselves to the other as a gift.

Our society today has lost sight of this quintessential ideal due to selfishness. Our culture is plagued with violation and unrest due to a hook up mentality, lack of chastity, self-control, pornography and a genuine lack of respect for the dignity of the human person.

What to Do:

God designed a woman to be of great charm and mystery. And when a woman cherishes her sexuality she reflects this beauty and appeal in a unique way. Ladies, conceal the beautiful mystery of your bodies for your worth is indescribable. I want to lovingly encourage you to wait for sex until you’re married and if you have made a mistake, then go to confession and begin again. God the Father sent His Son into the world to die for you and He yearns to shower you with His love and mercy. The same applies for men. There is no sin too great for Him to forgive. He is waiting for you to come to Him. He delights in you.

Don’t ever conform to immorality to attract a man. You are worth more than that. In fact, your worth is beyond human comprehension. God created the universe, surely He didn’t forget about your future. Every woman yearns for a man who is going to protect and cherish her. My question for you is: are you conducting yourself in such a way to attract a virtuous man?

And remember, you are worth waiting for. You are worth a man who will fight for you. A man who will protect and cherish you. A man who will truly keep you safe in ever sense of the word. Wait for a man to honor you for the beautiful gift that you are. The man God has for you won’t pressure you to have sex, he will wait patiently until your wedding night, so you can both give yourselves to each other as a sincere gift of self.

If you are dating someone right now who does not fit this description and pressures you – DUMP HIM! YOU ARE WORTH WAITING FOR!

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. – Proverbs 31

P.S. You are enough.

(Used with permission from www.madeinhisimage.org)

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ENGAGED? Check out Emily Wilson’s video course for brides-to-be!

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mauraMaura Byrne is a former Division 1 runner and soccer player. She loves the ocean, surfing, swimming, running, California, anything adventurous, J.crew, gerber daisies, wine, baking, gourmet cooking, and serving the poor and dying in India. She lives in San Diego, CA, and founded the ministry www.madeinhisimage.org, to help offer healing for women suffering from eating disorders, physical, and or sexual abuse, which entails, educating all women on the nature and dignity of the human person, created in the image and likeness of God.

 

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