Meet The Parents

Back in “5½ Soul-Crushing Traps To Avoid While Dating” I wrote about selfishness. I’d like to think that article cured the world of it’s selfishness, and we’re one hundred per cent selfless now. But I know that’s not true. I struggle with selfishness every day, and you probably do, too.

So we have to keep working on it. And one sure-fire way of getting over selfishness is learning to think about the other before yourself. When we do this, we will make better decisions together and likewise grow better ourselves.

Marriage teaches us how to get out of the way, to lay down our life for our spouse. And dating is where we discern whether this is the person we’re called to do that for.

But it has to start now. You have to start learning selflessness while you’re dating, because it isn’t just magically going to happen when you get married.

So where do we go for a crash course in selfless dating?

Allow me to introduce you to the perfect instructor––Mother Mary, and her most chaste spouse Joseph.

What do Mary and Joseph have to do with dating? I mean, maybe Joseph took her to the movies, but we sure don’t read about it in the Gospel.

Remember the story of the Annunciation? The angel appeared to Mary, and she said the most important words in human history: “be it done to me according to thy word.” (Luke 1:38.)

Mary said yes to God. Joseph did, too. And that’s where we’re going to begin:

Learn To Say Yes To God—Together.

The words Mary spoke to the waiters at the Wedding Feast at Cana are meant for your relationship as well, “Do whatever he tells you.” (John 2:5.)

Truthfully, if we learned that one lesson, we could probably stop right there. Do whatever Jesus tells you, and you’re relationship is set. 

Saying yes to God is the main highway out of selfishness and the key to a happy relationship. God wants the absolute best for the both of you, and he’s the only one who can give it to you. When an angel told Joseph in a dream that Mary’s child was of the Holy Spirit, Joseph understood that he needed to let God lead, not try to figure everything out for himself.

You need to do what Jesus tells you (see the Bible and listen to the Church for instructions), and apply it to who and how you date. There really is no better way.

Learn From Mary’s Virginity.

We can learn a lot about dating from Mary’s virginity.

Hold on, I know what you’re thinking. If this really is the right person for me, and we do get married, we’re not going to be virgins very long.

You’re right, but Mary’s virginity doesn’t just mean she knew no man. (Luke 1:34.) Her virginity is about even more than that. Mary’s perpetual virginity is about being consumed with God—which is what heaven is like. Whether we’re married now or not, Mary’s pure God-centered celibacy is how we’ll all be in heaven. Joseph saw that, and he wanted nothing more than to protect it. His family life was a taste of heaven.

And that taste of heaven is what we all want from our family life, isn’t it? That’s why my wife and I have a large image of Mary hanging over our bed and a statue of Joseph by our side: because they teach us to seek God first if we’re going to have a happy relationship. 

Learn The True Meaning Of Joy.

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord.” (Luke 1:46.) Does your soul do that?

Does your relationship do that?

You’re probably smart enough to know that what the world thinks of as “fun” isn’t permanent or worthwhile. We’re not talking about endless parties and expensive vacations. We’re talking about the kind of relationship filled with joy. It’s filled with joy because you’ve invited God in––not left him out on the fringes where you only think of him on Sunday mornings.

As I’ve said before, dating is the spiritual boot camp for marriage. But you have to choose your instructor. Reality TV and tabloid magazines want to teach you what love is like, but they’re wrong. Not because I say so, but because the evidence shows it. Follow Mary and Joseph. They’ll show you the way to happiness now—and for the rest of eternity.

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Jon Leonetti is an international Catholic speaker, author and radio host who conveys a message of lasting fulfillment in Jesus Christ. Jon desires to cultivate an intimate relationship with Jesus and help others do the same through prayer, the Sacraments, family life, Mary and the saints. Engaging Catholics in all walks of life, Jon’s keynote presentations and Surge of the Heart Parish Mission continues to help thousands of Catholics each year discover the freedom Christ offers by way of His life and love. Learn more about Jon at www.JonLeonetti.com

 

Put yourself in Teresa’s place. Here’s this awkward young man who finally managed to ask her out, which obviously took just about the last milligram of his courage. But she’s just started dating him, and now he’s clearly gearing up to ask for something more.

What’s it going to be?

Finally, he manages to say it: “Could we…um…pray together?”

She actually laughs at him. But in a good-natured way. He’s so sweet! Of course she’ll pray with him. And then, his voice breaking, he starts to pray the Hail Mary with her.

Smack-dab in the middle, he forgets the words. Which wouldn’t be a big deal, except that he was a former seminarian, and now he bills himself as a “Catholic speaker.” He talks in front of huge parish groups all over the country, but he’s so nervous praying with her that he forgets the second-best-known Catholic prayer in the world.

Well, yeah, of course I was that awkward young man. And yes, Teresa ended up marrying me anyway.

But why was it so awkward to think about praying together as a couple? Maybe it’s not so surprising. Praying together can actually be more intimate than sex. You have to bare your soul. It’s not easy to do that. It’s much easier just not to say anything.

But you’ve got to overcome that awkwardness. Faith without prayer is just a hobby. And prayer is actually the most important thing you’ll ever do together as a couple.

How do I know that? It’s science. And it’s theology.

You see a lot of bogus statistics on the Web. But actual reliable surveys show that couples who worship together are about 35% less likely to divorce. And that’s a bigger difference than you can make with just about any other change in your lives.

As important as it is to keep your marriage together, though, I don’t think that’s the biggest reason to pray together. Remember this: Your destination is heaven, and you want to spend eternity there. And eternity is kind of a long time.

Your marriage is the school where you learn how to live in heaven. You learn to put God at the center, and your relationship flourishes. Love surrounds you. That’s what heaven is. That makes prayer really important, doesn’t it? So think about that. Look at it from every angle. See how important praying together really is. Because until you can see that it’s the most important thing you’ll ever do together, it’s not going to happen. I know human nature. You’ll be too busy. You won’t want to start an awkward conversation.

Start with seven minutes a day. That’s a nice, easy number to remember, and it hardly seems to take any time away from all the other things you think you need to do. But more time is fine. Less is fine, too. Just start. Getting over that hurdle is the most important thing.

“Won’t it be awkward?” someone asked me once. “We’ve been married thirteen years, and now…this.” Yes, it will be awkward. You’re encountering the Lord together, the source of all love. It’ll be as awkward as your first date. But that was worth it, wasn’t it?

When should you pray? Right before bed can be a good time, but if you’re really tired, it may be too easy to forget it or put it off. Try finding a time when you both feel most alive.

How should you pray? St. John Paul II had a really easy answer to that question: “I would say: Pray any way you like, so long as you do pray.” Perhaps start with the Our Father. Then ask God to help you to love him better tomorrow than you did today. I always tell people to end with the Hail Mary. (If you can remember the words.)

And when should you start? That’s even easier: Now.

No excuses. If you put it off a day, you’ll put it off a year.

Start praying together now––no matter if you’re dating, engaged, or married. No matter if it’s over the phone or in person. You’ll be doing the best thing for yourselves. You’ll be doing the best thing for your marriage. And you’ll be ready for heaven when God calls and you have to answer.

____________________________

Jon Leonetti is an international Catholic speaker, author and radio host who conveys a message of lasting fulfillment in Jesus Christ. Jon desires to cultivate an intimate relationship with Jesus and help others do the same through prayer, the Sacraments, family life, Mary and the saints. Engaging Catholics in all walks of life, Jon’s keynote presentations and Surge of the Heart Parish Mission continues to help thousands of Catholics each year discover the freedom Christ offers by way of His life and love. Learn more about Jon at www.JonLeonetti.com

 

No one can resist a numbered list, right? Every magazine at the supermarket checkout counter is full of numbered lists—The Eight Things Your Man Wishes You Knew About Basketball, or Fourteen Super-foods That Melt the Blues Away. Every Web site that wants high traffic is practically a numbered list of numbered lists—Fifteen Celebrity Hairstyles We Love to Hate, or The Top Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Patagonia. (You know you’d read that one, even if you have no idea where Patagonia is.)

I have some important things to say about dating, which is a much more important subject than most people think. It’s the spiritual boot camp for marriage, which is a vocation—the way you’re called to serve God.

So if I put what I have to say about dating into a numbered list, it stands to reason that you might read it––at least I hope.

Here they are, in no particular order: the 5½ Soul-Crushing Traps to Avoid While Dating.

Why 5½? Because sex isn’t on my list of 5. You probably thought I would talk about it, and you’d probably be disappointed if I didn’t. Yes, it’s actually very important to avoid sex before marriage. No, not because the Church is trying to suppress your relationship. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The Church desires to free your relationship––dare I say sanctify your relationship––for the sake of true love.

It’s so important, in fact, that you’ve heard it all before.

So I’m going on to five other things to avoid that you haven’t heard as much about. But I didn’t want you to be disappointed that I hadn’t mentioned sex, so I did.

1. Selfishness.

In our culture, it’s all about me is our mantra. But life can’t be all about you. It can’t even be all about me, much as I’d like it to be. In fact, it’s all about Jesus. And dating is where we should be learning that. Everyone wants a happy marriage, right? Then learn to carry the cross now. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”—that’s what St. Paul said (Ephesians 5:25). You’ll have a happy marriage when you’re ready to give up everything and die for each other. You can’t have that till you win the spiritual battle against selfishness.

2. Couple Isolation.

The two of you are not enough. Isolate yourselves, and you will suck the spiritual life out of your relationship. You need to build a strong core of faith-based friends so your relationship can grow. And this is the time to start. Find people to surround yourselves with that will draw you closer to the heart of Jesus—and each other.

3. Perfectionism.

People aren’t perfect. You think you’ve found the person of your dreams—and then you notice that one little annoying thing. Well, get over it. You’re not perfect either.

That doesn’t mean you lower your standards when you’re choosing whom you date. But be patient in the little things. Don’t dwell on small annoyances (my wife has gotten good at this). Learn to deal with them now, in spiritual boot camp, and you’ll be much happier down the road.

4. Jealousy.

If jealousy is a problem in your relationship, you need to have a conversation about it now and set some realistic boundaries. Now, I know human nature—I know that you may enjoy the attention you get from a little flirting with another person. And you might even like the attention you get from your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s jealousy. But you can’t find your self-worth in poking at the other person’s insecurities. That’s not love. And it’s not healthy.

5. Keeping God Out.

Okay, I know I said in no particular order, but this is definitely the most important. When we edge God out of our lives, our relationships will suffer. When we invite God into our relationships, we invite love into our relationships—because God is love. Don’t be afraid to pray with your girlfriend. Don’t be afraid to take your boyfriend to Mass with you. When we invite God in, the way we see the world changes. And the way you’ll see each other will, too.

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Jon Leonetti is an international Catholic speaker, author and radio host who conveys a message of lasting fulfillment in Jesus Christ. Jon desires to cultivate an intimate relationship with Jesus and help others do the same through prayer, the Sacraments, family life, Mary and the saints. Engaging Catholics in all walks of life, Jon’s keynote presentations and Surge of the Heart Parish Mission continues to help thousands of Catholics each year discover the freedom Christ offers by way of His life and love. Learn more about Jon at www.JDLeonetti.com