Luke Gilkerson

As Christians, we should be the least naïve people on the planet when it comes to Internet safety. Sadly, this is not often the case.

The notion of that we can totally shield our children from the sexualized culture in which we live is based on the poor assumption that with enough technology, as a parent, I can keep any evil a bay. But for the parents who believe their children are sinners, just as they are sinners, they know this assumption is false. Sinners go looking for sin, and no fence, no matter how high, will keep temptation away for long.

Of course we should use good technology. Of course we should protect our children from incidental exposures to sexualized media. But if this is all we do, we are ignoring the single most significant threat our children face when it comes to purity: their own hearts. “The heart is more devious than any other thing, and is depraved; who can pierce its secrets?” (Jer. 17:9, NJB).

Internet Responsibility vs. Safety

The most important thing parents can do to protect their children from Internet pornography is to prepare them to fight it. Some day they will leave our homes, and as young adults they will have to contend with the forces of darkness. Are you preparing them for that?

That is the difference between Internet safety and Internet responsibility.

• Internet safety says, “The big, bad Internet is out to get my kids, so I’m going to be the fiercest Intern watchdog I can be.”
• Internet responsibility says, “The Internet is full of temptations that appeal to the sin in my children’s hearts. I will do all I can to train them so they can eventually be their own watchdogs.”

4 Ways to Train Children

“Never, when you are being put to the test, say, ‘God is tempting me’; God cannot be tempted by evil, and he does not put anybody to the test. Everyone is put to the test by being attracted and seduced by that person’s own wrong desire. Then the desire conceives and gives birth to sin, and when sin reaches full growth, it gives birth to death.” (James 1:13-15, NJB)

Using a metaphor of reproduction, James presents a four-step model to temptation: (1) desire, (2) conception, (3) birth, and (4) death. Let’s apply these to Internet responsibility and purity.

1. Desire: Teach them to guard their hearts

It’s someone’s own desires that are the starting place of all sin. Yes, the world can and does “surprise attack” our kids with sexual images. But in the end, our kids chase after them because they find them alluring. This is where the battle begins.

We need to teach our kids the difference between good desire and inordinate desire. Evil desires are often not for wrong things, but rather misplaced and excessive desires for good things.

Sex is a good thing. It is good, as they come of age, for our kids to want sex. It is not good when that desire becomes an idol: something they are willing to sacrifice God’s standards and another’s dignity to get.

Strengthen your kids’ hearts against pornographic temptation by teaching them about the goodness of sex and how to spot an inordinate desire when it crops up. When they feel that strong desire to go down the road of sexual temptation, they need to have the language to say to themselves, “This is a natural, good desire, but to pursue this now is not God’s way. To stoke the fires of lust is unloving to God, to others, and to myself. Lust does not please God. It treats others as objects. And it takes me away from the kind of loving, self-giving person I want to become. I am turning away from this temptation.” We must teach them to guard their hearts (Prov. 4:23).

2. Conception: Give them new rituals

When the desire to sin is present, what are the online rituals our kids engage in that place them one step closer to the objects of lust? It is different for each child or teen. For some of them, it is the time of day or night they get online. For others, it is getting on Facebook or Instagram. For some, it’s responding to text messages from the opposite sex late at night. For some, it might be particular websites or videos that trip them up.

As you talk with your kids about sexual temptations online, help them identify their rituals that put feet to their sinful desires. These rituals probably look benign on the surface, but underneath them sin is being conceived. They need to be taught “sin contraception”: saying no to the rituals that put them in temptation’s path.

3. Birth: Stop sin at the door

The moment our kids are about to engage in some pornographic sin online (sexual or flirtatious chatting, sexting, looking at pornography or sexual images, etc.), we need to have a plan in place for them to kill their sin. Obviously, if they are revved up to do something sexual online, it’s a little late in the game. But there are still blockades we can put in place to stop sin at the door.

The most obvious one is having good technical measures, like Internet filtering. But this should also be coupled with good Internet monitoring and accountability. If you child is trying to look up sexy stuff online, you should know about it, even if the filter stops him or her from seeing something. You should be getting a report of all their online activities e-mailed to you regularly.

4. Death: Teach them the consequences

If not dealt with, all sexual sin, when it is fully-grown, brings forth death: emotional death, relational death, at times physical death, and ultimately eternal death. As parents we must fortify the hearts of our children with this information.

As children grow into teens with their own sexual curiosities, they need to understand the consequences of sexual sin—beyond just STDs and unplanned pregnancies. They need to learn that online lust robs them of the joy of genuine intimacy and love. Lust is a thief that comes to kill, steal, and destroy.

They need to know that the reason we fight against lust is because we want to fight for joy.

Use stories from Scripture to demonstrate the consequences of unbridled lust (there are plenty of them). Use stories from your own life. Impress on your children that though online sexual temptations look attractive, they are only halfway houses to death (Prov. 7:27).

Impress on them what that genuine intimacy is meant to bring. They need to know: when they are saying no to porn, they are really saying no to death and saying yes to life and joy. Teach them this.

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Luke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of Breaking Free, the blog of Covenant Eyes. Luke has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and is working on an MA in Religion. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a campus minister. Luke’s favorite activities include blogging, reading theology books, starting random philosophical discussions, dating his wife Trisha, and playing with his four sons. Luke and his wife blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com.

…I was bound not with the iron of another’s chains, but with my own iron will. The enemy held my will; and of it he made a chain and bound me. Because my will was perverse it changed to lust, and lust yielded to become habit, and habit not resisted became necessity.

Necessity. He felt as if he needed sexual pleasure.

Sex is Life?

I can identify with Augustine. What fed my addiction to porn more than anything was the lie that sex was life. I was single at the time, and I had bought into the lie that sex was a basic, fundamental “need” of which I was deprived. To hear that God wanted me to give up porn sounded like God wanted me to give up life itself. Moreover, I got angry with God for creating me with such strong cravings and then ripping the candy out of my hand like a capricious father.

I had to learn that sex, though good and pleasurable, is not life. The desire for sex and intimacy is good, but even the best intimacy in marriage was designed by God to be a reflection of something greater.

A Bigger Vision

What brought about the change in Augustine’s heart? In his Confessions he writes of a day that his soul so was tormented by his own sin that a mighty storm arose in him, bringing on a flood of tears. As he cried he could hear the sound of a child’s voice singing in the distance, “Take and read, take and read.” He took it as a sign from God to find his copy of the Scriptures and read the first thing his eyes fell upon.

This is exactly what he did. He grabbed his copy of the book of Romans and his eyes landed on Romans 13:13-14, “Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.”

Augustine writes that as he ended the sentence, “a light of utter confidence shone in my heart, and all the darkness of uncertainty vanished away.” From that day forward, he committed his life to serving Christ.

Sex Addiction is About Faith

The faith rose in Augustine’s heart that day was an unshakable confidence that Christ was more than enough to satisfy his restless heart. The only way he could live out the commands of Romans 13:13-14—rejecting all lust and sensuality—was to embrace the all-satisfying words “put on the Lord Jesus Christ.”

This is what breaking free from lust looks like: not just rejecting the pleasures of lust but embracing the greater pleasures of God.

We chase after porn because it is promising us something and we buy into those promises. In his fantastic book, Closing the Window, Dr. Tim Chester identifies six promises the fantasy world of porn often makes to its viewers:

1. Respect. If we feel inadequate or rejected, our sinful hearts often crave human respect, and porn offers that fantasy. In the fantasy world, we are worshipped by fantasy women or men. Porn gives us an eroticized world where we are man enough or woman enough to capture the respect of others by our sexual prowess.
2. Relationship. We desire intimacy, but we don’t like its risks. We want to be close to others, but we don’t want to be vulnerable. We want a real relationship, but we want to be the one in control. Porn gives us this illusion: we can feel “connected” but not have all the mess of a real relationship.
3. Refuge. In times of hardship or fear of failure, we want to relieve our stresses. When life is getting hard we want somewhere to escape, we want to pretend to be someone else or somewhere else. Porn gives us a fantasy world where we are never a failure: you always get the girl or guy.
4. Reward. In times when we are bored or when we feel like we’ve made great sacrifices, we often want to reward ourselves. This sense of entitlement drives us back again and again to the world of fantasy where our overworked minds and underappreciated egos can “get what we deserve.”
5. Revenge. In times of frustration and anger, we might turn to porn as an act of revenge against another person (like our spouse who isn’t having sex with us when we want) or against God (who isn’t giving us the life we want). Porn is our tantrum at the world that isn’t catering to our desires.
6. Redemption. In times of guilt and self-loathing, the fantasy world of porn offers false redemption. If we are feeling guilty, pornography says, “You’re okay just the way you are. Nothing about you needs to change.” If we are mired in self-hatred, porn is our way of punishing ourselves. “This is the shameful life I deserve,” we say to ourselves. Porn is a way to indulge our dark world of self-pity.

These are the false promises of porn, and for each person it is a little different. Just one of these might ring true for some people. For others, several or all of them ring true.

But when it comes to breaking free, we need the better promises of the gospel to trump the power of sin. Breaking free from lust is ultimately about faith: will you believe God or porn?

Better Promises

Dr. Tim Chester shows us how the gospel can overcome the power of sin.

1. Respect. If we feel inadequate or rejected, we must remember that God is the one who offers us genuine acceptance through Christ. The men or women in the fantasy do not know you. They do not love you. Christ does. We must repent of needing the approval of others (what the Bible calls “the fear of man”), pursue God’s glory above all (1 Corinthians 10:31), and anticipate the glory he promises to those who trust him (John 5:44). His approval is far better than the approval of men or women made of pixels on a screen.
2. Relationship. When we desire intimacy with others, but we fear the risk, we need to run to God as a Father who is sovereign over our relationships. Relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. Emotions are messy. But God promises that everything we go through will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God can and will take all our relationships—even our failed ones—and use them to conform us to the image of his Son (v.29). Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security of digital sex.
3. Refuge. When we are stressed or when life gets hard, God is our true refuge, our rock, fortress, deliverer, and stronghold (Psalm 18:1-3). No matter what our circumstances are, next to the mountain-shaking, thunder-breathing God, our problems are no match for him (v.7-13). Instead of medicating our bruises with fantasy, we can escape into him, casting all our cares on him because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:6-7).
4. Reward. When we are itching for pleasure and excitement, we should run to God who is our living water. The well of porn is empty, and time will tell how little it satisfies, but God is our fountain of living water (Jeremiah 2:13). Instead of rushing to the quick fix of porn, we should cultivate a life of communion with God, through prayer, fasting, meditating on his Word, and worship. We should cultivate a longing for the eternal reward of living with him forever, rejecting the temporary pleasures of sin (Hebrews 11:24-26).
5. Revenge. When we are angry that God is not giving us the life we want, we are like the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:29-31). We consider our sacrifices, our obedience, and our devotion, and we believe God “owes” us something. But God does not relate to us this way: he relates to us as a loving Father. We are not God’s servants, but his sons and daughters. When we do not get what we want, we must focus our faith on God who knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows exactly what blessings are best for us in his perfect timing.
6. Redemption. In times of guilt or shame, we need to run to God who freely forgives us of all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). We won’t find redemption by ignoring our sin or by trying to punish ourselves. We need to look to Christ, our perfect High Priest: “by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified” (Hebrews 10:14). When we are reminded of our guilt and failures, we must repeat the words Jesus uttered on the cross: “It is finished” (John 19:30).

Augustine’s Joy

Prior to his powerful conversion, Augustine felt the duplicity in his heart. He recalls his prayer, “I willed to worship you freely and to enjoy you, O God, the only certain Joy.” This is how he defeated lust: by making God the supreme joy of his life.

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Luke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of Breaking Free, the blog of Covenant Eyes. Luke has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and is working on an MA in Religion. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a campus minister. Luke’s favorite activities include blogging, reading theology books, starting random philosophical discussions, dating his wife Trisha, and playing with his four sons. Luke and his wife blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com.