My friends and I used to treat first dates like a final exam. If you pass, you get married. If you fail, or make a bad joke, you must wipe all your dreams off the board and start over.

Dating is supposed to be fun but I easily forget to trust the process. Falling in love and marrying your best friend is a gift—a peaceful, exciting time. There’s no place for anxiety and pretending to be someone you’re not.

Here’s some practical advice on how to NOT turn a date into high-pressure, win-lose situation:

1) Never take a selfie on a first date. It doesn’t need to be a public spectacle that the two of you are discerning a romantic relationship. Don’t date for how it looks, or the attention you receive.

2) It’s not an interview; It’s more like a play date. What do you and your friends do on a Saturday afternoon? You’re trying to find out what fun you can have together. Don’t pull out a list of serious questions you want to know like her grandmother’s medical history . . . unless you can do so playfully.

3) Avoid the 90-Day Free Trial. I’m a repeat offender when it comes to meeting a guy on a blind date, leading him through a brutal three month trial period to see how much he’ll fight for me, and then giving up. I’ve learned the hard way to be friends with a person for 3-6 months before establishing a crush, let alone going on a date.

4) God will make it romantic. Guys, you don’t have to bring flowers on the first date (If you must, a single lily will do). Don’t turn your date into a scavenger hunt for signs of destiny. When God leaves clues, they’re obvious.

5) Exit Plan. Are you happy with your current life? Content with your job? Not dreaming of moving? Sometimes we’re eager to date because we’re looking for a way out. If you’re thinking about changing your life soon, now might not the time to start dating. Of course, it’s always time to make new friends. If they happen to share your faith and be attractive, well, who could object to that?

6) Great Expectations. The person you date isn’t going to be perfect. They’ll have rough spots and they won’t have everything figured out—just like you. Appreciate their personality as a non-judgmental friend. Give it time to figure out who they are, where they’re going, and what they’re looking for. Don’t be disappointed when they’re everything you ever wanted except (fill in the blank). Temptation comes disguised as everything you ever wanted in one, easy fix.

7) Should I pray a novena?! If you must, dedicate those nine days praying that you will be chill (not for the middle name of your first child.) Pray to relax. Pray to be yourself. Pray to enjoy the moments leading up to the date and the moments after without looking, feeling, or being totally strung out. A date is just time. A few hours, a few laughs. And time is not running out. God’s plan cannot be thwarted no matter how long it takes.

A Pinterest-worthy wedding photo to hang above your mantle is the golden calf of our generation. Refuse to worship it. It’s not the trophy you win for dating well. A holy marriage is a process of sanctification and the end goal is heaven.

This person isn’t the key to your happiness. Your interior life with Jesus is. Only with the Lord will you have the grace to give, give, and give. Love isn’t at its best on the first date anyway.

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Anna Steele is a proud Ravenclaw eagle and super godmother to triplets. She loves Jesus, Pinterest, and sprinkle donuts.  Someday she wants to be the patron saint of break-ups. Her goal in life is to enkindle social change through the next generation of Catholic leaders. You can read her Lenten promise to blog every day here. Follow @annajsteele if you want to stay in touch on Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.  Anna is the Director of Youth Ministry in Ames, Iowa.

What images are conjured up by the words “dating fast?” Wait, is that someone not dating by choice? Yes, it’s that and so much more! It can include saying no to casual dating, flirting, making out, and the like; no spending an afternoon daydreaming about your crush or thinking about your wedding; and not encouraging any thoughts of lacking worth or how one relationship will fulfill you.

Wait, isn’t love a great and beautiful thing? Don’t we spend our whole lives looking for love, even if sometimes it’s in “all the wrong places?” Why would we ever fast from love?

I asked myself the same question until one day, during college, I listened to a talk by a priest about friendships between men and women. I realized that many men had not been friends, or even people, to me for a long time. They had become prospects. I was usually on the lookout for that next crush who would hopefully, finally, be the man of my dreams. This caused problems: a lot of heartaches and wasted time, especially the time I spent admiring my crushes on Facebook.

So, I decided to go on a dating fast. I had heard about “the fast” from many other sources, whether from close friends, spiritual advisors, blogs, or even the FOCUS missionaries on my campus who committed to a dating fast their first year of missionary work. But, I had always been skeptical because I didn’t understand what could be gained from a dating fast.

How quickly I learned! I came to realize that fasting shifts our eyes from the trivial to the infinite. It can lift us up and make us better by pushing us to work a little harder and exercise self-control even while we go about our everyday. So, I took the dive and went on a semester-long fast, trying to rid my heart of all the bad thoughts and perceptions I had about love and replace it with the wholesomeness of true love.

Despite how hard and long that semester was, it was one of the most fruitful times of my life. I started seeing the opposite sex and myself as people again: Glorious, flawed, desirable, sometimes obnoxious people, possessing infinite worth. I realized we all deserve more than daydreams, romantic comedies, fantasies, and relationships based only on the physical. We deserve true love, which involves work and hardship and joy and something almost akin to bliss.

To this day, I reap the benefits from that time of fasting. Sometimes, my vision becomes clouded with false ideas of love promoted by magazines, movies, and books. These things try to convince me that I have to have sex to have a good relationship, or that I am not enough if I don’t have a boyfriend, etc. When I’m tempted to entertain such thoughts, I remind myself of what I learned during the fast and I am back on track. There’s no need to start fasting every time I get a little off track. If so, I would be starving myself and that doesn’t help either!

So, to this day, whether I am single or dating, I keep in mind what I have learned: The person you like, or may not like, is first and foremost a person, with goals, dreams, and worth that cannot be fathomed. The same goes for you and me. This mentality has helped me through heartbreaks, hopes, and first dates, and I hope it can help you too.

Happy fasting!

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Kathryn Dionne enjoys writing when she isn’t working for her alma mater, Ave Maria University. She is also a sports enthusiast, despite a soccer injury that cuts her physical exertion a little short. But that’s ok, because watching movies, her other passion, doesn’t involve running, so she still considers herself #blessed. Blogs: glenncococlub.wordpress.com   sleeplessincinema.wordpress.com

The other day I stumbled across an article which essentially proclaimed “CHIVALRY IS DEAD: Here’s why.” Like a bright red flashing warning sign smack bang in front of my face, I saw the temptation to give in to that kind of defeatist thinking. And I get it, I really do! Pretending we don’t need strong men often hurts less than acknowledging the ways in which our desperate need for them can go unsatisfied.

For many women, this kind of self-defence mechanism makes it difficult to accept genuine romantic gestures or expressions of honor. For a long time I was one of those women: I didn’t see my own worth, so I didn’t trust that anyone else would see it either. I found it was easier to be tough and push people away than to be vulnerable and risk getting hurt, but it meant that I missed out on receiving the respect my brothers in Christ were trying to show me.

For others, chivalry seems old-fashioned and unnecessary because they feel the need to prove themselves. The last century has birthed a specific type of women who believe that being independent and self-sufficient is the ultimate measure of success, and the less input they need in their lives from men the better. As a result, men are often afraid of chivalry because they don’t want to be seen as patronising, sexist, or even disrespectful.

But I don’t believe that’s the end of the story!

I believe that…

… Women deserve to be pursued: I’m not content to pursue.

… When a man holds a door for me, lets me go first, gives up his seat, offers his jacket when it’s cold or carries something heavy for me, it’s honorable and courteous rather than patronising.

… Having a man offer help with those simple things is not a reflection of my capability, but of my worth. I can do it myself, but I choose to accept their offer.

… Being walked to my door doesn’t have to mean a guy is expecting something more.

… Men who have strong boundaries are showing me respect rather than being disinterested.

… Love notes are a sign of sincerity rather than soppiness.

… A man who is intentional and clear about his feelings is far more attractive than one who plays hard to get and fails to guard my heart.

… Submitting to my future husband’s leadership won’t make me any less of a woman: authentic masculinity nurtures authentic femininity, and vice versa.

And I believe there is a generation of women rising up who feel the same. Women who are so confident in who they are as daughters of the Most High King that they can simultaneously humble themselves in embracing their need for the complementarity of men and assert their own feminine dignity. They recognise that allowing a man to protect and provide for them isn’t a sign of weakness but a sign of their infinite value.

These women are beautiful. They’re strong. They’re captivating. Above all they draw people in to the picture of Christ which they reflect. They know who they are and whose they are, and they trust in God’s plan for their lives. They embody true femininity and draw out true masculinity from the men around them. Women: you can choose to be one of them. Come and join the revolution.

Men: in the words of the great Saint John Paul II, “be not afraid” to treat women with the dignity and respect they deserve. If they reject your chivalrous efforts, remember that the unseen reality may be that they’re desperate to encounter authentic love but are so entrenched in the message that they’re unworthy of that love that they’re lashing out to protect themselves from the risk of being hurt. They need your prayers more than ever! Be the man your heart desires to be, and you have the power to point them towards the love of Christ and help restore their own view of themselves! Never underestimate that privilege.
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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

 

I am 29 years old, and I have never had sex. Not even close. My decision to practice chastity implies that I never will, unless or until I am married. Which means if I do get married, I won’t have any sexual “experience.”

So a young adult who reads my blog once asked me the following question:

“Why would you want to have an awkward wedding night?

I don’t. Nobody who saves sex saves it because they want the wedding night to be awkward. The reader’s question is probably rooted in a fear that sexual inexperience will result in awkward or “imperfect” wedding night sex. This disturbs a lot of the people I’ve encountered who have responded with shock or pity to my decision to save sex.

But their discomfort with sexual inexperience at marriage is normal. I expect it out of the culture that prefers preparedness for a wedding night over preparedness for marriage—a culture that probably doesn’t even discern the difference. It’s a culture that is curious as to why I can enter marriage without any sexual history and be undisturbed by that.

I’ll tell you why: because we don’t have to be disturbed. Entering marriage without prior sexual experience expresses confidence in our commitment to each other, and not knowing what to expect authenticates it. A couple that won’t save sex because they don’t want to have to communicate on their wedding night isn’t likely to communicate well in a marriage.

Entering marriage without sexual “experience” is a choice worth making for the following reasons:

In holy matrimony, very little depends on wedding night sex. 
If you marry in the Church, you agree to love and honor each other all the days of your lives. This is a process. Just as you will need to grow in love in thousands of other ways throughout your marriage, a couple will likewise need time to learn how to best express physical love to each other. It’s not something to fear, but to anticipate with joy.

Authentic love transcends sexual inexperience.
Love is patient, and kind, and doesn’t dump you because you lack sexual experience. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. A couple that has entered a marriage based on authentic love has been given a safe space for trial and error, in which they can discover the mystery of sexual intimacy together.

Chaste living strengthens your ability to love
By saving sex for marriage, chaste couples gain experience in patience, self-mastery, fidelity, and other forms of intimacy that ultimately will serve to strengthen their marriage.

The pursuit of virtue is worth sexual inexperience. 
Chastity is a virtue. It’s a decision we make over and over to do the right thing regarding sex, which we as Catholics define as a sacred, physical sign of the vows a husband and wife made at the altar. According to St. Gregory of Nyssa, “the goal of a virtuous life is to become like God.”

The virtues require us to wait and work in a culture that “doesn’t wanna,” to live lives that don’t align with what the world around us values, and to risk, by being chaste, what some fear could be an “awkward” wedding night. But you know what? That’s worth it, because it’s part of our efforts to become like the one who created us (who created us able to love the same way he does). And that isn’t awkward at all.

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Arleen Spenceley is author of the book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin (Ave Maria Press, Nov. 2014). She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times, and has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com. Click here to follow her on Twitter, click here to like her on Facebook, and click here to follow her on Instagram.

I have been in romantic relationships in my life, but I have been sporting single life for a while now. Recently, my friend told me about this awesome Catholic guy she was swooning over. Get this… they met on Valentine’s day!?! (Really, I thought that only happened in movies?)

I was happy for her, but sometimes when I hear about happy couples it is like a dagger in the heart. I can’t help feeling as though I am wearing a sign which reads: “Yup, still single and unloved…AKA: Loser.” I realize this is ridiculous. But even if there is no sign, is it true?

Does being single mean that I’m unloved?

Lovesick Culture
Our culture bombards us with the importance of the romantic relationship, giving us the feeling that all meaning in life is wrapped up in finding that one person who can make us complete.

A few years ago, Twilight groupies could be found across the country chanting “Team Jacob” or “Team Edward.” T-Swift, One Direction, and Bruno Mars fill radio streams with love-struck melodies. Romantic comedies steal our hearts and fuel our desire for more. Standing in line at the grocery store, the headlines of break-ups, make-ups and hook-ups are blaring at us. Even my family joins in the “So, have you met any men?” mantra at times. Our world seems to be obsessed with love.

Created for Love.
So what is this urge for love? Where did it come from, and why is it everywhere we turn?

The answer is that we were made for love.

If we look to Genesis, we see men and women were created for each other. Adam longed for a partner, and had looked through all the creatures on earth for companionship, but when he saw Eve, he proclaimed at last: “Bone of my bone; flesh of my flesh!” (Gen 2:23) We were created to be in communion with each other and in relationship with each other. And this is so good.

We were created for love!

The Ache of Single Life.
But for us single men and women, that doesn’t seem like exciting news. There is an ache within us that we can’t ignore. What do we do? How do we cope? Chocolate? Sure—in moderation. . . . Denial? Nope. . . . Pornography? Even worse. . . . Do we lower our standards and decide that any man with good hygiene will do? . . . Or do we forget love, declaring: “We don’t need ’em anyway!” And grow to be bitter old women with cats?

Maybe not.

The answer as we walk as single men and woman is found in our call to TRUST.

To stay in the ache and surrender in peace knowing that God has a plan for us. He is in control. And if He wanted you to be in a relationship, He would have you there.

What is important to remember is that life-giving love far EXCEEDS the romantic realm. Of course, we all want to have an amazing fun date. Absolutely. But the basis of true romantic relationships is friendship. And I encourage you to see the beauty and joy God has for you in friendship today.

Single and Loving it.
Take some time this week to see the Love that God has given all around you. It doesn’t have to be in a “dating package.” My life as a single woman has been the most life-giving, fun, enriching, exciting time of my life. And this can be it for you, too. Take some time to treasure yourself this week: Go out with your friends; send a sweet cards to your family; watch a fun movie; buy flowers for a co-worker who needs a pick-me-up.  And pray for your future spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend. God has plans for you.

The Lord promises us: Delight in the Lord and He will give us the desires of our heart (Ps 37:4)

Love is all around you! It may not be in a fairytale package. . . . But I have no doubt God has something better in store.

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Involved in ministry for more than 15 years, Mary Bielski has spoken to over 100,000 teens, young adults around the nation at high school and college retreats and conferences, including Steubenville Youth Conferences, Life Teen Inspiration, LA Congress, NCCC, and parish and diocesan rallies. Using funny stories and engaging analogies, Mary draws her audience to the beauty of our Catholic faith, a deeper love for Christ, the Eucharist, and the call to holiness. For more information about Mary and her ministry go to www.marybielski.com.

We had just gotten engaged two days before and were at daily Mass together. I told Daniël we should ask the priest for a blessing, because he was the first priest we had come in contact with since we got engaged.

So after Mass we saw the priest, introduced ourselves, and asked him if he would give us this blessing. This conversation ensued:

Priest: First of all, you guys know the rules right?
Daniël: The rules?
Priest: Yeah, the rules. The rules about you being engaged.
Me: What rules?
Daniël: Father, please explain further…
Priest: Just because you’re engaged doesn’t mean you’re married. You don’t get to do the things married people get to do.
Me (Sensing where he is trying to go): Are you talking about sex? Are you talking about how we’re not supposed to have sex until we’re married?
Priest: Yes.
Me: Well…….yeah. Obviously.

This was an awkward encounter for me. He gave us a very nice blessing after our discussion, but I was sad at the fact that he didn’t take a moment to rejoice with us before telling us in a very strange way that just because we are engaged does not mean we can break the “rules.” I find no fault with this priest, as many couples do not choose the same road that Daniël and I have chosen and for some this teaching is not obvious, and I must give him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to shepherd us in the best way he knew how. After all, he probably sees plenty of couples living other lifestyles, and has to be courageous about calling them to be chaste.

But as I thought about my feelings about with the encounter, I thought about how the world thinks along this vein, too…we have loved one another for nearly two years now . . . gosh, we must be desperate to have sex with each other. This is not the case at all. Abstaining from sex until marriage has never been about following a “rule,” dreadfully waiting to be released from its confines. Nor are we in some massive hurry to get married so we can bring that into our relationship. Why? Because our relationship is incredibly wonderful and fulfilling as is . . . our relationship has consisted solely of getting to know the heart of the other, which has always made me comfortable, happy, and confident throughout our entire dating process. I have never for a moment wondered if I am being used for my body, and I have never questioned what Daniël’s love for me is based on. I am grateful. We decided together to follow the laws of God because we know that God decreed these for the good of our human hearts.

The world tells us all day long about how sex is an integral part of any relationship, while most often forgetting to tell us that there are many avenues by which you can show your love to someone other than physically. It tells young people that if you do not know your partner physically and intimately, something is weird, something is wrong. Our culture says that healthy dating relationships are based on a good sex life, and nothing about sacrifice and deep, true, genuine, giving to the other. Just read the headlines on a few magazines for younger people . . . every other cover story seems to be about dating in regards to sex. I see no headlines or cover stories about sacrifice.

I have never had to give of my body to Daniël in order to make our relationship “normal,” nor am I in such a desperate hurry to give of my body to him that as soon as he puts an engagement ring on my hand I decide it’s the same as being in the sacrament of marriage. It’s not. And we know that. The gift of sex is meant for the sacrament of marriage in order to be bonded to your spouse in the most beautiful way, and no, being engaged to someone is not the sacrament of marriage. And that is perfectly okay with me, because when the day does come that we enter into this sacrament, it will be as it was designed to be. It will be within the correct context, the most beautiful context, the safest and most sure context of all—within a grace-filled sacrament in which we have made a covenant with God to love each other no. matter. what.

In the meantime, we will continue to love one another for the next many months of this engagement—supporting one another spiritually and emotionally, joyfully encouraging one another to grow to be the people God created us to be, and having a blast all along the way.

—–

ENGAGED? Check out Emily’s video course for brides-to-be!

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Emily Wilson planned her whole life to become a sports reporter but ended up as a Catholic musician and speaker at the hand of God. She lives out of her suitcase and travels across the world speaking and singing with people of all ages. The heart of her ministry is offering encouragement to teen girls in their search for their true identity. “The world doesn’t need what women have, it needs what women are.” -St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross. You can visit her website and listen to her music at www.emwilsonmusic.com.

A total stranger asked me where I got my weave. Flattered, sort of, but my “weave” actually grows directly from my scalp. I mean, sometimes airport security people pat down my head because they’re suspicious I’m hiding something in my hair, so I wasn’t that shocked by her question. I told her my [lazy] regimen after she asked for it and she shook her head, “Nope, that doesn’t work for me.” Listen lady, if I knew the one-size-fits-all formula for every type of mane, I’d be rich. There’s not one solitary formula that works for all the curly q’s out there. My curly-haired friends, ya’ feel? #frizzlife.

If this is the case for hair, then it’s even more the case for dating (Duh. We’re talking about two incredibly unique human beings… not something inanimate). There’s not a 10 step checklist that guarantees Mr. or Mrs. Right. The Buzzfeed that tells you otherwise could get you in trouble. The Church, in her wisdom, gives guidelines about chastity and proclaims the beauty of marriage, but then she takes a step back. She doesn’t demand how to feel at one point or when to drop the “L” word or how long you must date before engagement, etc. Why? Because we are each intricately crafted and original that it cannot all look the same!

I’ve wasted enough time comparing my life to others to know that comparison is not a good friend. OK, he is more like an enemy that I stupidly befriended and every day, often more than once, I have to kick him to the curb. Comparison is a liar that says “you’re not good enough.” If you listen to all the voices about who you should be or what your life should look like, you become deaf to the truth of who you are and what God has for you in that very moment. In getting rid of comparison, I’ve realized that I am enough. And it’s okay that my life looks different than others.

You are unrepeatable. And so is your love story.

There’s not a singular recipe for dating but there is a universal longing for authentic love. Jesus, the One whom we ultimately seek, is the common denominator. We cannot depend on a significant other to be our total satisfaction but rather a window to God’s love, a conduit of His grace, a reflection of His heart. To quote one of my all-time favorites, Les Miserables, “To love another person is to see the face of God.”

One of my friends, in recalling the beginning of her relationship with her now-husband, said, “Because of our relationship, I would often think ‘Wow, God loves me.’ There weren’t all these emotionally charged infatuated feelings that you see in the movies, it was better. It was joy and peace.” What we all want and what we’re created for is the joy of the Lord. Feelings are fleeting, but joy is constant. That joy comes directly from communion with Him, whether you are single, dating, or married.

Whatever state of life you are in, you’re not missing out. Love is being offered to you all day long, you must simply open up our hands to our Father and receive it.
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Megan Mastroianni first began speaking in 2007. She has been featured as a speaker at World Youth Day 2011 in Madrid, on EWTN’s Life On the Rock, on retreats, conferences, assemblies, and rallies to high school and college students all over the country. Megan speaks for the Steubenville Youth Conferences as well as Diocesan Youth Conferences. She is now in her second year at Mount de Sales Academy in Baltimore serving as the Campus Minister. She is passionate about proclaiming the love of Christ and being His witness.

Jackie Francois-Angel’s wildly popular article, “The Devil Wants You to Settle in Your Relationship,” sets forth several gut-check questions to help you determine if your relationship is “heaven-sent.” Jackie’s observations are spot on for pure Catholic singles, as well as for those who find significant others who hinder their purity. I strongly believe that the devil’s Plan A is to get you settle for less, but for those of you who aren’t about to fall for this trick: He has an alternative strategy.

In my own journey, I wanted to believe I could find a man that would propel me toward holiness but I was jaded by brokenness. I had said yes to chastity, and refused to settle, yet I didn’t believe that happy endings really existed. Each year, I receive many raw, heartbreaking e-mails from people who relate.

If you aren’t about to settle, the devil will try to rob your hope. Below are the top 3 anxieties I hear most often:

#1. I am afraid that one day the romance will fizzle out:

My husband, Mark, and I have been married for a decade. I can tell you with honesty that yes, things are different then they were ten years ago. For example, I don’t usually get butterflies unless he is changing a diaper. Generally, I wouldn’t say our daily life is overly romantic. However, we both agree that this life is even better. Although my love for Mark doesn’t feel as much like a fairy tale as it once did, it does feel like Happily Ever After—which happens to be the best part of the story.

“Intimacy” has often been defined as: “into-me-see.” I feel like my husband is a part of me—almost like we have one heart. In the same way that I am not always conscience of my own heart beating, it still keeps me alive. I might not always be daydreaming about Mark, but his heart, united with mine, is a driving factor of my everyday life.

#2. How do I know he/she will be faithful?

Dating and marrying with the right intentions while maintaining a Christ-centered relationship gives you a really fantastic chance of thriving in this category. Of course we all have the choice to sin. Yes, it sometimes happens, but in general, couples who live in chastity before and after marriage, have the benefit of some serious fidelity insurance. Chastity breeds virtue and self-control in every area of life.

I personally come from a home broken by infidelity. When it came down to deciding whether to give Mark a chance, I had a decision to make. I finally realized that I didn’t want to live life without Mark. Suddenly it wasn’t about trusting a man, it was about trusting Mark. It wasn’t about being afraid that someone would hurt me, it was about being confident that Mark wouldn’t. Mark changed everything. A hypothetical man couldn’t do that, but Mark did. Your vocation is out there, and your vocation has a name. God is faithful and you never have to fear His plan.

#3. Everywhere I look I see miserable marriages and broken hearts. Is it possible to find someone to love me like I want to be loved?

Happy, holy marriages are everywhere, but you probably won’t see many on television. There are many loud, verbal, unhealthy relationships in the world, but it doesn’t have to be yours! Personally, I have known hundreds of couples in amazing, fruitful relationships. On top of this, each year, I encounter holy, single men and women seeking God, purity and His plan. They are out there. While you wait, avoid the temptation of feeling like your story hasn’t started. Live it now as you become the person God wants deliver to your vocation!

Ultimately, keep your eyes on the prize, and try not to worry about things that haven’t happened. When I look back on all of my fears, I wish I’d have spent my energy on something else. My anxiety simply kept me from being the person I wanted to be. Trust in Jesus—He won’t disappoint.
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Katie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which chronicles how developing a relationship with the Lord as her First Love allowed Him to mold her for her Second Love (vocation). Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. For more on Katie and her books, visit www.womaninlove.org.

“What should I look for in a future spouse?” No one will miraculously change once you are married, so it’s important to see if your significant other has qualities worthy of marriage while dating. However, an even better question is: “What kind of person should I be for my future spouse?” The following list will offer a few helpful points to consider:

Self-sacrificial love.
This is one of the most important traits a spouse should have. Spouses “are called to grow continually in their communion through day-to-day fidelity to their marriage promise of total mutual self-giving.” (CCC 1644). Marriage survives on this key virtue—always putting the needs of the other first.

Self-sacrificial love—it means putting the other person’s needs above your own. It is a beautiful expression of true love. For example, in “The Gift of the Magi,” O. Henry tells the story of a young married couple with little money buying each other gifts for Christmas. Della cuts her beautiful long hair to buy a chain for her husband, Jim’s, watch. Jim sells his watch to buy Della a comb for her hair. While they both ended up with gifts they couldn’t presently use, they then realized how priceless their love was—they loved each other so much they both were willing to sacrifice for each other.

Pope Pius XII noted that “[h]appiness in married life is in direct ratio to the respect the husband and wife have for each other.” Respect is to deeply admire and recognize the good in another human, and is key to a good relationship. It means valuing others’ opinions and interests and being genuinely interested in what someone has to say and what is going on in his/her life. It means seeing that person as a child of God.

Does your significant other show a genuine interest in getting to know everything about you? Does he/she engage in conversation with the intent of learning your opinion as opposed to putting down your opinion? Does he/she respect your boundaries?

Team player.
There is no “i” in “team.” Forming a lifelong “partnership” (CCC 1601) in marriage requires that both parties be a team player. It means always thinking about how the other person may be affected by your actions. It means getting input from the other on decisions that you may think only effect yourself.

A team shows up together to win a game. They have to communicate practice/game times. The team is in it to win the game as a team. The same is true for relationships. After dating awhile, does he/she want to integrate you fully into his/her life? Or, does he/she treat you as a casual friend they hang out with? Does your he/she constantly make his/her own plans and tell you after the fact? Or, does he/she make plans with you?

Faith. 
Marriage “is deepened by lives of the common faith and by the Eucharist received together.” (CCC 1644). The purpose of marriage is for husbands and wives to help each other get to heaven, so it’s important to be have the same goals regarding faith. And, sharing the same faith with your future husband/wife will only strengthen your marriage.

Does he/she have a desire to grow in his/her faith? He/she doesn’t have to have the equivalent of a theology degree, but a desire to grow is essential. Or, are they lukewarm about faith and go to church out of habit?

Keep in mind that these qualities must already exist in a person while you are dating them, and they will not miraculously appear once you are married. You can’t date someone expecting them to change, otherwise, you are dating an imaginary person.

Don’t settle for the excuse “things will change when we are married.” I’m not saying people don’t change, but don’t expect them to. If he/she doesn’t behave a certain way when you are seriously dating, don’t expect them to when married.

These qualities are a good place to start; but, there are others. A priest gave me great advice when he said, “Pray to God for wisdom, understanding, and knowledge to show you who you should marry. In the end, God will direct you to your future spouse if you remain open to His Will.’”
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Emily Brandenburg is a Catholic Youth and Young Adult leader in the Diocese of Orange, California. She hosts a large Bible study and Praise, Worship, and Adoration evenings. In addition, she is concertmaster of St. Martin’s Orchestra, holds a J.D. from Pepperdine School of Law, and is a full-time attorney. You can connect with her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/emilyannebrandenburg and Instagram at @emily_brande. She blogs at TheNetofLove.blogspot.com.

Nowadays, it seems as if there’s more confusion than ever as to what it means to be made male and female. Our creation as such, and the call of the two to become “one flesh” is not merely a metaphor for Christ’s relationship to us. As St. John Paul II affirmed, it’s the foundational way in which that eternal mystery of love becomes “visible” to us (see TOB 19:4, 95b:6). As Pope Francis observes, at “the very heart of the Gospel is life in community” (EG 177), and the fundamental human community is that of man and woman in “one flesh.”

Perhaps this is why sexuality, marriage, and the family are under such violent attack today. Perhaps behind it all there is an enemy who wants to keep us from understanding and entering into “the very heart of the Gospel.” Perhaps there is an enemy aiming all his arrows at the very foundation of human life, of the Church, and of civilization itself.

Social re-engineers do not like this fact, but when we let the data speak, it’s clear: civilization rests on the family—that is, on the committed union of a man and a woman and their naturally resulting offspring. But family life of this kind is only possible to the extent that we undertake the often difficult project of civilizing our sexual desires, orienting them toward upholding the dignity of the human person, the truth of selfless love, and the grandeur of procreation.

When the indulgence of sexual desire becomes an end in itself, society becomes utilitarian. You are valued if you are useful. And, in this case, you are “useful” if you are sexually stimulating. If you are not, or if you get in the way of my pleasure, you will be ignored, discarded, maybe even exterminated. When pleasure is the main goal of sex, people become the means and babies become the obstacle. So we take our pleasure and we kill our offspring—and anything that gets in the way of my “right” to indulge libido (however I desire and without consequence or responsibility) is anathema.

This is not some dire prediction of an apocalyptic future. This is the world we live in now. Without a return to our senses, only societal chaos and collapse can result. But if a selfish “me” approach to sex spells societal breakdown, selfless sexuality (borrowing an acronym from Father Stan Fortuna) spells F.A.M.I.L.Y.—Forget About Me, I Love You.

Two thousand years ago, the first evangelization transformed civilization by showing the world an alternative to self-centered sexuality and the infanticide and cultural breakdown that inevitably results. By following Christ’s example of selfless love—“Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church” (Eph 5:25)—early Christians transformed the world by witnessing to the true meaning of sexuality, marriage, and family. We can and must do the same in the new evangelization.

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Christopher West’s new, best-selling eBook, Pope Francis To Go: Bite-Sized Morsels from The Joy of the Gospel, is now available through PopeFrancisToGo.com. Christopher is known throughout the world for his work popularizing the theology of St. John Paul II. To learn more about his work, go to tobinstitute.org

I sat in front of the woman, my heart dropping with her words. She recounted to me the distrust and immorality that she experienced in her group of “friends.” As this woman told me about the wild party her group threw on prom night just a few months earlier, I could hear the regret in her voice. I wished that someone had helped this woman make different choices—because I could see that she was hurt. Prom may only take place on one night, but the effects of it will make an impact.

Thinking back to my own prom night four years ago, I remember how full of joy I was. I had a lot of fun with my friends, and walked into my house afterwards with dignity, happiness, and no regrets. In the process of prom, I gained some insights, which I would like to share with all of you today:

• Make plans with a group whom you trust. Regardless of whether or not you have a date, attending prom festivities with others creates a fun atmosphere. Plus, being surrounded by friends you trust creates accountability regarding purity and chastity.

• Expect to have fun, but don’t create unhealthy expectations for yourself or others. Culture and advertising treat prom like a “fairy tale romance,” but this mentality can stress people out and place huge pressures on physical and emotional boundaries. Prom night doesn’t have to be a romantic experience, so relax and have fun!

• Know that what you wear matters. On the night of prom, a few of the men in my group told me how much they liked my dress. They said this in front of their dates, who were wearing dresses that showed a lot of skin and cleavage. Conversely, I had gotten my dress altered to avoid showing cleavage and as much skin. The men’s words showed me that my efforts to dress beautifully and purely made an impact.

• Dance, don’t grind. If you’re trying to encourage chastity in your life and the lives of others, grinding in the dark with your classmates will not help you. A week or two before prom, get together with some friends and take a ballroom dance class, or find online videos to teach you the basics of waltz, swing, country two-stepping, or another fun dance!

• Don’t let the music ruin your evening. I can’t count how many people have told me they get disgusted with the music at prom, because it’s not what they want to dance to, or it “forces” them to grind. Don’t let this top you from having fun! When I attended prom, one of the first songs was rap, but a friend and I had a blast two-stepping across the dance floor.

• Keep your clothes on. Many people continue to hang out at the school’s “After Prom” or at someone’s house all night long. Sometimes, these parties can get crazy, and the peer pressure to disrobe partially or compromise yourself rises. Don’t succumb, keep your clothes on, and encourage other to do the same.

• If a situation gets dangerous, get out. If a situation at any point in the evening gets bad, remove yourself. Make sure that your cell phone is charged and close at hand in case you need to call a parent or friend for a ride home. There is no shame in asking others to help you get out of a bad situation.

• Set boundaries. Stay in “public” areas with other people, and stay out of bedrooms. If people get tired during the night, go home to sleep instead of having a coed sleepover. Speak up respectfully if any member in your group is making you uncomfortable. Boundaries are meant to help enable you and your friends to grow in true love and chastity, so set boundaries with a positive attitude!

• Initiate fun activities. Many times, a group will start acting impurely when, late at night, there’s nothing planned. Ahead of time, or early into the post-prom hangout, pick out some fun games or group activities to all play together.

• Above all, show other people how to have a blast at prom while actively striving for purity!

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AnneMarie Miller studies Theology and English at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She has a passion for the Catholic Faith, chastity, St. Francis of Assisi, and frolicking around barefoot. In August 2013, she was blessed to marry her incredible husband, and the two of them enjoy the epic adventures of married college life. When she’s not doing homework, housework, cooking, or playing chess, AnneMarie reflects on life’s beauty and random observations on her blog, Sacrifice of Love (http://marianninja.blogspot.com).

I once saw a protest in which a group of women were expressing their need to free themselves of the oppressive nature of clothing. I may have gotten that premise wrong and, in fact, I don’t really know what they were protesting, but something that one of the young ladies said really stood out to me. When one of them was asked why they were doing their protest topless, one of them responded, “It’s just body parts. It’s nothing to get worked up about.”

Hearing someone say that about her own body was astonishing to me because I had heard something like it used before but not to promote a kind of sexual “liberation.” I had seen similar “explanations” used in genocidal propaganda in a history museum in Austria from the lead up to the holocaust. That exact kind of thinking can be used to strip a human being of their dignity and inherent rights by reducing them to a collection of parts. If all we are is merely the sum of our parts, then why should we be treated any differently than any other collection of parts . . . like a computer, or a car, or a sofa bed?

In reality, what she was describing wasn’t “just” a body—it was herself. She is a body and that body is a precious gift to the world; filled with purpose, meaning, potential, and the capacity for impact upon others. That’s the first thing that stands out about that kind of thinking. It’s a very narrow and simplistic view of the human person and if applied universally, it begins to reveal some terrible implications.

But it does raise an important question: If our bodies are so precious and wonderful, as Christianity affirms, why do we cover them up? Why don’t we share them with the whole world, all the time? To me, this is a question of intimacy and not just physical intimacy.

I’m talking about the kinds of profound relationships we have with only a select few people in our lives, whether they be family members, close friends, or significant others. One of the things that makes these relationships so special is that we only share certain things within them because of the unique level of closeness they offer. We can tell them about our fears, our dreams, or our secrets and be confident that they will honour the trust we’ve placed in them. But, if we went around sharing those aspects of ourselves with everyone we knew and even strangers, we would be diminishing our very special relationships because it could no longer be said that they were uniquely intimate. If you have nothing uniquely personal to share with those special relationships, because you shared those parts of yourself with everyone else, then what about those relationships can be said to be special or intimate?

You could draw some principles here from the law of supply and demand. If there’s an abundance of supply, often the value of a commodity drops. For example, gold is valuable because it’s rare, but if someone discovered a way to synthesize it and started mass producing it, its value would drop significantly. I think this can be applied to intimacy.

When we seek out physical intimacy, we should show an appreciation for the nature of intimacy as a rare commodity that should only be given in truly committed and authentically intimate relationships. If we’re giving that intimacy away through trivial physical encounters or by wearing revealing clothing, then we’re not gaining more intimacy. Rather, we’re losing the ability to have a unique and exclusively intimate relationship with someone.

Aspects of your body and your personal life are precious for the very same reason that intimate relationships are precious. If you try to have too many forms of intimacy you risk reducing its value as well as your capacity to have future intimate relationships. The more selective you are with your ability to offer intimacy, the more intimacy you will experience.
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Brian is passionate about the Church’s ability to communicate effectively in the modern world. From his role as the Creative Director of Holds Worth Design, a Graphic Design and Web Design studio in Edmonton, Canada, he promotes the use of strategic communication and effective branding and packaging of timeless truths through modern means. Learn more about his work on Facebook and Twitter.

When I first entered the “dating scene,” I had a list of ideals that my future husband would have. I’m not talking about standards, because those are good to have. I’m talking about an idealist image—nothing short of a movie. But, I came to realize that no man made me “feel” a magical way all the time, and I could never imagine a man “completing” me. That’s when I realized I was looking for God in a future spouse, instead of someone who brought me closer to God’s ideal love.

When we expect all these things from one human being, we make our future spouse our idol.
When we look for God in the wrong places, Fr. John Powell pointed out, “in the end we are always left with the same painful emptiness which we were led to believe we could fill.”

Just think about it: God, in His infinite love, is the most powerful and complete love we will ever experience. In our journey of faith with our Lord, are we happy all the time? Do we have a magical feeling of love for God every moment?

No, we don’t. Even in our relationship with God, we don’t experience the perfect and everlasting happiness of heaven here on earth all the time. We don’t experience it all the time because we are fallen humans.

If we don’t have this magical “in love” feeling all the time in our relationship with God, how can we expect to have that with a fallen, imperfect human being? There are limitations of love between two human beings. In the words of Sebastian Moore, “We are limited by our own boundaries, our awareness. We cannot get inside, interior, to another. We cannot meet totally.”

God alone satisfies.
Instead of looking to a human being to “complete” us, we should be looking to God. We make our future spouse our “god” if we look for someone who satisfies in the way only God can. Reuel Howe noted, “Much marriage … unhappiness [is] due to the failure of the partners to accept … their finiteness … Instead, they hold themselves up to ideals … possible only to God.”

While marriage is an ideal, it is also a reality.
The ideal of marriage says that “authentic married love is caught up into divine love.” (CCC 1639). It’s a reflection of Christ’s perfect love for His bride, the Church. But, it only a reflection. If we expect a relationship to measure up to the ideal, it never will. We are all fallen human beings.

Thankfully, husbands and wives don’t have to do it alone, because God grants grace to those who are married, so that they have special assistance in their lifelong partnership. “‘Christ is the source of this grace… through the sacrament of Matrimony.’ Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens…’” (CCC 1642).

Let’s be sure we don’t make marriage such an ideal that is no longer a reality.
Let’s keep in mind who truly completes us—God. God’s love for us is the greatest love story of all time. Let’s dwell in His love and be satisfied with the everlasting and perfect love He shows for us every moment of every day. Let’s not look for that perfect love in a human being, but be satisfied with God’s perfect love, and rest in that.

Also, see part 2: “What should I look for in a future spouse?”
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Emily Brandenburg is a Catholic Youth and Young Adult leader in the Diocese of Orange, California.  She hosts a large Bible study and Praise, Worship, and Adoration evenings.  In addition, she is concertmaster of St. Martin’s Orchestra, holds a J.D. from Pepperdine School of Law, and is a full-time attorney.  She enjoys spending time outdoors, fellowshipping with family and friends, making new friends, and always having a good laugh.  You can connect with her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Emily-Brandenburg/1565280567042667 and Instagram at @emily_brande.  She blogs at TheNetofLove.blogspot.com.

As a general rule, I don’t watch chick flicks. Partly because I know the aftermath they leave behind—the frustration at life being so much harder than it’s portrayed, the longing to be loved like the heroine, the pain of wondering if I can be, the temptation to throw up at the sight of fully grown girls melting into a mess of inarticulate gushiness… and the even greater frustration at knowing that deep down I’m one of those girls. But also partly for the sake of the men around me. I don’t want any future relationship to be tainted by false expectations, or brotherly friendships to be confused with romantic fantasies.

In her new book Emotional Virtue (read it—it’ll change your life!), Sarah Swafford’s hilarious description of a typical girl’s Friday night in—progressing from a movie marathon with friends through to inadvertently cyber stalking (or even physically stalking) an unsuspecting classmate and believing you’re in love—seems alarmingly relatable. But the problem with that is that you’re not in love with the person—you’re in love with the idea of them!

I hate to break it to you ladies, but the chances are that if that guy you’ve been daydreaming about were to announce his undying love for you, it wouldn’t be with that beautifully cheesy line you’ve mentally rehearsed your perfect answer to over and over again, and real life doesn’t slot into place pain-free afterwards. Avoiding falling in love with that fantasy saves you a lot of heartache, and frees you to love authentically rather than using someone. Here are four practical checkpoints to keep in mind:

Reality check: what are you attracted to?
“Love” which tries to change someone into the ideal you’ve created in your mind is not love at all—it’s lust. Try making a list of the five things you find most attractive about a particular man. Now go through the list again, and critically assess how many of those points he really lives up to and how many are things you want him to be because you’ve admired them elsewhere.

Remember your worth.
It’s easy to talk yourself into believing there’s “something there,” but it’s important to be honest with yourself and ask that hard question: Do you see a difference in the way he treats you compared to other girls? You deserve someone who will set you apart and reassure you of his feelings. If he’s not doing that clearly, then either he’s not worth your time or he doesn’t feel the same way—either way you can avoid being hurt later by admitting it to yourself now.

Pray for strength!
It’s easy to learn about emotional chastity, recognise your own shortfalls and resolve to try harder. But then that guy you’ve been fighting your own mind over catches your eye across the street or brushes past you in the hallway and you melt. Your resolve flies out the window and you’re left with nothing but “HELP ME JESUS!” So pray that prayer! Cry out to Him with all your heart, mind, body and soul, and He will come to your rescue.

Let God be organic.
Envying someone else’s life (even fictional) means being dissatisfied with your own, and with the great gifts God has given you. God has a plan just for you—allow Him to play it out as He’s written it rather than desiring a different one. That way when you fall in love (in God’s time), you can trust that it’s truly with the plan God has chosen for you rather than a fantasy.

“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not an object of use.”
– Saint John Paul II; Love and Responsibility
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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0.

Just before my wife and I got married, I read a great book by Archbishop Fulton Sheen about marriage. He claimed that one of the goals of marriage is that each spouse would gradually surrender their ego (sense of self-importance) as they strive to better love and serve each other. The idea sounded nice, but I figured that it wouldn’t really be an issue since I knew that my fiancé and I respected each other’s freedom.

All of my ideas and theories about personal space have flown out the window since entering into marriage and parenthood. Every decision I make affects someone else, because my life isn’t my own anymore. I am reminded of this daily by a two year old daughter who has no concept of things like personal space, vacation days, and “sleeping in.”

We know that vocations are personal and specific calls that God places on our hearts; they’re the paths that we take to get to heaven. To be Christian is to follow Christ, as He reminds us:

“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 16: 24-25)

All of us, regardless of our vocations, are called to die to ourselves. In following Jesus, we must lay down our lives. The Catechism teaches us that chastity is essential if we are to faithfully and generously give of ourselves. Only the person who is chaste is able to offer their life as a gift, both body and soul (CCC 2337).

Here are 3 ways to grow in virtue, right now, to both prepare for your vocation and to be able to hear the Lord’s call in your life:

1. Prayer
I don’t just mean praying for something to happen in the future (whether it’s a prayer to meet someone or asking for a booming voice from Heaven to send detailed instructions for your future). Of course it’s good to present our needs and our desires to the Lord, but we need to spend time daily growing in relationship with Jesus. I can’t expect to hear a call if I’m not regularly spending time with the One who is calling me. Regardless of where God will lead you, the core of your vocation will always be your relationship with Him. The virtue of chastity grows when we remain aware of the Lord who freely and completely poured out His life for love of us.

2. Fasting
Every Lent, we are invited to fast, to sacrifice, and to embrace small sufferings to draw closer to Jesus. The more that we learn to say “no” to our desires, we gain self-mastery and we grow in our ability to say “yes” to authentic love. Whether you are called to marriage, priesthood, religious life, or a life set apart to serve others, fasting is a powerful tool to help eliminate selfishness and to grow in virtue. Even when we fall short in our attempts to fast, we can draw closer to the Lord as our need for His grace is made more evident. Lust entices us to pursue pleasure with urgency, but fasting teaches us that we don’t have to blindly follow our desires.

3. Getting Rid of Junk
I learned pretty quickly after getting married that I had a lot of excess in my life. It wasn’t just my stuff that was scattered all over the apartment, I also became more aware of my vices and sins as I saw how they directly affected my wife. We live in a culture that places a high priority on the accumulation of stuff. Every day we are promised that happiness awaits once we can get more, whether it’s money, material goods, popularity, or success. The message of the Gospel sharply contrasts this lie: Jesus promises that we will find abundant life when we are willing to surrender the things we hold dear. (Mark 10:17-22) Chastity requires freedom, and we can’t claim to be free if we’re clinging tightly to the possessions or selfish ambitions that have a hold on our hearts.
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Brian Kissinger lives in Fairfax, Virginia, where he serves as a youth minister and high school Theology of the Body teacher. He has a passion for sharing the Gospel, and he emphasizes a message of hope in a culture that has lost its sense of purpose. Brian graduated from Franciscan University and completed his master’s degree in pastoral theology at the Augustine Institute. Brian married the girl of his dreams, Courtney, in 2012, and they are the proud parents of two children, Ellie and Brian 2.0.

Photo: Tec Petaja

Forks and plates clattered against tables, and conversations filled the cafeteria. In the middle of this bustling scene, my attention was turned to a young woman. She had mentioned that she was in a bad relationship, which I could see was bringing her deep emotional harm. Horrified, I encouraged her to get help and leave the relationship.

“But Jesus hung out with sinners,” she insisted, adding that she needed to “be Jesus” to this guy and help him get better. And, I hate to say, I failed to appropriately respond to this argument and help her leave the relationship. Jesus did walk among sinners. And yes, we need to be Christ to others—so how could this woman’s relationship be a bad thing? After all, she loved her boyfriend. And shouldn’t she help him turn around his life?

I felt incredibly sad for this woman. Bad relationships and abuse are full of many layers of pressures and injuries that make leaving difficult. But several years after this incident, her words still stick with me. This woman claimed that she could be a hero, a savior, for this man. That’s noble. But, to this woman—and to all men and women who’ve thought this at any point—I say: Compromising yourself will not help another.

Yes, we need to bring joy, life, and light into the darkness that others experience. Countless people want to bring others into a better, more chaste, loving life. But, sometimes, with the best of intentions, we can lose sight of our own safety. Sometimes, our desire to reach out means frequenting wild parties where one person alone is trying to cast a shining light of hope while surrounded—physically and mentally—by a harmful environment. Other times, it involves dating a man or woman who doesn’t respect you. It also can include encouraging others in this mentality, through our support of certain books or movies.

It’s good to help others find true love and joy. But if we put ourselves into situations where we can be seriously hurt physically, mentally, or emotionally, then we aren’t helping others or ourselves. We providing opportunities for others to persist in certain behavior, and in the process, we are being severely harmed. Instead of rushing into every situation headlong, we need to recognize our weaknesses. Having the humility to be honest with ourselves is tough, and involves asking difficult questions. If I go to that party, will my chastity be compromised? If she doesn’t respect me in this relationship, will that escalate into abuse?

Years ago, a friend of mine was trying to heal from living a harmful lifestyle. He needed a friend, and someone to hold him accountable—but in order to truly be a loving friend and help him, I had to recognize that I couldn’t fix his problems. He had to take the initiative and seek help. I learned that prayer, setting up emotional & physical boundaries and distance, accountability from people outside the situation, and actively helping another find outside aid are all important. Above all, I learned what St. John Paul II once said: “Do not be afraid when love requires sacrifice.” In any kind of relationship with other people, we must keep the other person’s ultimate good in the forefront of our minds. If there is a relationship where either of the people is not respected and treated as a person to be loved selflessly, then we need to be willing to sacrifice in order to bring help and safety to ourselves and others. Every person needs love. True, sacrificial, love. We need to reach out to others and show them this love—but we need to do this in safe, selfless, compassionate ways.
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AnneMarie Miller studies Theology and English at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She has a passion for the Catholic Faith, chastity, St. Francis of Assisi, and frolicking around barefoot. In August 2013, she was blessed to marry her incredible husband, and the two of them enjoy the epic adventures of married college life. When she’s not doing homework, housework, cooking, or playing chess, AnneMarie reflects on life’s beauty and random observations on her blog, Sacrifice of Love (http://marianninja.blogspot.com).

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0

If you’ve ever read the “Divergent” trilogy (spoiler alert if not!!), you’ll know that Tris—the main character—is a feisty young woman, full of spirited determination. But the thing I admire most about her is that she never compromises on her courage whilst still displaying a softer, gentler side in allowing a man to love and protect her. Reflecting on life without Tris, that man explains:

“There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. That is the sort of bravery I must have now.”

This is the sort of bravery which we, too, must have if we are to obey Christ’s call to love. It takes great courage to die to self in order to bring life to another person—especially in the tiny, seemingly insignificant things. Those are the moments when we can choose humility or self-inflation, selflessness or grasping at desires, peaceful acceptance or passive aggression. Sometimes the discernment of when to fight and when to lay down our weapons—no matter how simple the situation (often the simpler the situation, the more tempted we are to fight!)—is what allows peace, joy and love to flourish.

Love hurts. It’s a timeless fact which has been written about, sung about and wept over throughout the ages—with good reason! True love cannot be separated from pain, because true love is wanting the best for the other person, and therefore not only hurting over the things that cause them pain but also being willing to sacrifice our own desires for their good. It’s no coincidence that the greatest sign of love ever known is also the most painful act of sacrifice imaginable, and that we’re called to live out the same kind of love: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:12-13. In order to fully embrace a life of chastity for the sake of authentic love, we have to develop a clear picture of what that love is like. That way the sacrifices we may feel we have to make in the name of chastity will be done out of love, in love, and through the nature of love.

“There is no place for selfishness and no place for fear! Do not be afraid when love makes demands. Do not be afraid when love requires sacrifice.” Saint John Paul II

Being in a relationship is a vulnerable place by its nature. Choosing to be vulnerable requires great bravery: a bravery that is most often demonstrated through self-sacrifice. Sometimes that sacrifice is momentous—from risking rejection and laying down your pride to make the first declaration of love, or even refraining from doing so for the good of your brother or sister in Christ, to the money spent on family essentials instead of personal ambitions, to the time and heartache of holding your spouse’s hand as they undergo chemo. But just as often, if not more so, it’s in the little things that you do every single day for the one you love.

But what about those of us who aren’t in a relationship? It can be easy to assume that once we’re faced with sacrifices we’ll be able to make the right decisions, but we can’t expect to suddenly be “good” at making those sacrifices when the time comes if we’re not willing to prepare ourselves in advance. That could mean fasting in some way, or it could mean training your body in order to discipline your mind. After all, as a lifestyle “chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery” (CCC 2339). I firmly believe in the power of the small sacrifices I make now in preparing myself—spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically—for the total gift of self that is marriage.

But more importantly, these sacrifices aren’t just in anticipation of a relationship with another person—they’re for the glory of God, who is Love itself!
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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

Casablanca ends with the iconic line: “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” Granted, I’m no casino owner in love with a woman I can’t have, but I do know the power of beautiful friendships. And some of my greatest friendships are with men—those who I have liked romantically and those I have never liked in that way. For some people, this is a shock; for others it is not. The questions of “can guys and girls be friends?” has been debated for some time now and I just wanted to put in my two cents: Yes, I believe they can be friends without any romantic attachment. This is true whether there was no romantic feelings in the first place or we have moved beyond those feelings like Beyonce has moved on from Destiny’s Child (aka onto bigger and better things).

I have many male friends that I have met through a myriad of different circumstances. There is a whole lot of them that I have met because my friends liked them, and as they were exploring their relationships with these men, I got a chance to build friendships with them. I have met great guys through retreats, study groups, and through mutual interests. And most of these men I have never liked as more than friends. I may have found attractive qualities in them, which would be the reason I wanted to call them “friend”in the first place, but we have remained just friends and gone no further. I can’t imagine not having them in my life. They balance me out, they give me great advice, they tell me to stop over-thinking, and they amuse me to no end. I thank God for them.

Then, there are the boys who I have liked in a “more than friends”type of way. The ones that made me feel simultaneously sick and like a superhero that could do anything. The ones who made it really hard to resist pinning white dresses on Pinterest. These crushes have come and gone with the passing years of my life, but there are some crushes who have stayed: as friends. The characteristics that attracted me to them initially have remained my favorite traits after the romantic feelings have left. The boys who caught my heart with their sense of humor can still make me laugh even if the butterflies are gone. The boys who inspired me and drew me in with their enthusiasm for faith and life still call me on, even if the passion of love has faded away. The boys who have similar interests remain the friends that I go to in order to geek out about something new and cool in our similar fields of interest (like the new Star Wars movie-December 2015 here I come).

To those who say boys and girls can’t be friends, I understand that in some instances feelings cannot be put aside, that it can be too painful to remain friends with someone when the feelings are not mutual or even after a breakup. You may need space to collect your thoughts and grow as a person. Eventually, you may find your life is better off without this person. That is completely true….in some cases. But don’t allow past feelings to get in the way of good friendships or your life will be as sad as a rainy Monday. Each person is unique, and the presence of guy and girl friends in your life is integral to your happiness. They each give something so special to you, whether it is a laugh, a spiritual boost, a shoulder in time of need. Don’t miss out on some of the best friends of your life because of the fear of a little crush. There are greater things in store for you and your friends than this.

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Kathryn Dionne is a recent college grad of Ave Maria University and is exploring the world of writing and films when she isn’t working for her alma mater. She is also a sports enthusiast, despite a soccer injury that cuts her physical exertion a little short. But that’s ok, because watching movies, her other passion, doesn’t involve running, so she still considers herself #blessed. She blogs at glenncococlub.wordpress.com & sleeplessincinema.wordpress.com.

When my parents broke the news to me that Santa Claus didn’t exist, I stormed out of the room, blurting, “I don’t even want to know about the Easter Bunny!” Although the news was devastating at the time, I found solace in the fact I had obtained a more realistic grasp of how gifts arrived under our tree. Letting go of a childish notion of St. Nick also paved the way for me to obtain a mature understanding of St. Nicholas, the saintly bishop of the fourth century.

What does all of this have to do with finding “the one?” Well, many people have a notion of soulmates that’s in need of serious demythologizing. In exchange, they can discover a mature Christian concept of their future (or current) spouse.

In his ancient text, The Symposium, Plato presents the myth that men and women originally had four arms, four legs, and two faces. Unfortunately, Zeus split them in half as a punishment for their pride (which conveniently doubled his number of worshippers). Meanwhile, these incomplete individuals wandered the earth until they found their other halves. Upon discovering the other, the two would know they were made for one another, and would finally become whole.

Plato explains:

“After the division the two parts of man, each desiring his other half, came together, and throwing their arms about one another, entwined in mutual embraces, longing to grow into one, they were on the point of dying from hunger and self-neglect, because they did not like to do anything apart.”

Sounds more like Hollywood than Plato.

Looking for your better half?

We should not expect another person to complete us. Let God do that. Some guys think, “Since a wife is supposed to be your better half, I guess I’m only 50 percent complete until I find her. When I find her, she will fill my emptiness and take care of all of my emotional needs.” If this guy finds a girl, it will not be a budding relationship; it will be a hostage situation.

Nevertheless, Hollywood has made a fortune perpetuating the eternal myth that there is a perfect person out there for each of us. But here’s the problem: You’re going to have to wait a lifetime before you can marry a perfect person. (For those familiar with the book of Revelation, I’m referring to the wedding feast of the Lamb.) Until then, anyone you marry is going to have his or her share of imperfections.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but in this life, you’re not going to find someone with whom you are perfectly compatible. After all, the word “compatible” comes from the Latin com-pati, which means to “suffer with.” Successful marriages are not the result of finding a perfect person, but rather loving the imperfect person who you have chosen to marry. St. Francis de Sales even described marriage as “a perpetual exercise of mortification.”

Only God can complete us. When we make an idol out of a relationship, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment because all idols are meant to be broken.

Do soulmates exist?

If there’s no perfect person made only for you, should we conclude from this that there’s no heavenly plan for your love life? In a blog in which he makes many excellent points, Matt Walsh wrote, “My wife and I weren’t destined for each other. It wasn’t fate that brought us together. We are bound not by karma, but by our choice.” He goes on to say that God doesn’t destine us to end up with anyone specific. Rather, there are countless people whom we could marry and be equally content. They become our soulmates when we marry them. We don’t marry them because they are our soulmates.

While there is some merit to these ideas, the difficulty with this concept is that it doesn’t leave much room for divine providence. For those theologians out there, it sounds more deist than theist.

In the book of Tobit, the archangel Raphael declares to Tobias, regarding his future wife, “Do not be afraid, for she was destined for you from eternity. . . When Tobias heard these things, he fell in love with her and yearned deeply for her” (Tob. 6:17).

This isn’t Hollywood; it’s the Sacred Scriptures. We know Adam was made for Eve, Sarah was destined for Tobias, Joseph was created for Mary, and so on. But how, when, and why does God choose to play the role of a heavenly match-maker?

Obviously, only God knows the answer to this. But we know that divine providence intervenes in our lives to the extent that we make room for it. Those who walk with God often marvel at how he seems to intervene in the most providential ways in the tiniest details of life. Believers routinely speak of “divine appointments,” and other occasions where we can see God’s hand at work.

For example, Blessed Mother Teresa once said that a man came to her, seeking a specific medicine for his dying child. However, the drug could not be obtained in India. As she was speaking to the man, someone walked into the convent with a basket of half-used medicines. Right on top of the basket was the rare drug. She remarked:

“I just couldn’t believe because if it was inside, I would not have seen it. If he had come before or after, I would not have connected. I just stood in front of that basket and kept looking at the bottle and in my mind I was saying, ‘Millions and millions and millions of children in the world how could God be concerned with that little child in the slums of Calcutta. To send that medicine, to send that man just at that time, to put that medicine right on the top and to send the full amount that the doctor had prescribed.’ See how precious that little one was to God Himself. How concerned He was for that little one.”

If God is infinitely concerned with providing medicine to His children, you can rest assured He is also interested in providing for our vocations. I believe God the Father has a perfect plan for each of our lives, just as He had for His own Son. However, as Isaiah 55:9 tells us, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Sometimes this “perfect” plan involves substantial suffering, but this does not make it any less perfect. Its perfection comes from the fact that it comes from the heart of a Father who loves us.

What this means is that God doesn’t promise that you’ll find the person who makes you the happiest, but if you remain open to His will, you’ll discover the person who will make you the holiest—and this will bring you more joy in the end than any plan you could have concocted without Him. Your soul will be sanctified through this mate . . . and in my opinion, that’s God’s idea of blessing you with a soulmate.

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Jason Evert founded chastity.com has spoken on six continents to more than one million people about the virtue of chastity. He is the author of more than ten books, including How to Find Your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul and Theology of the Body for Teens.

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0.

Have you ever had a friend that was so obsessively focused on the good elements of her unhealthy relationship that she was unable to notice all of the red flags? No matter how much you tried to warn her, she always had a rationalization for why she stayed. Or, have you been that girl?

Women have an innate ability to see the good in others. I believe this is part of their feminine genius. They can perceive the sufferings of others with extraordinary intuitiveness and empathy, and can see the potential in people that others might not see in themselves. However, one’s greatest strength is often one’s greatest weakness.

How do you know if you’re making excuses and dating a guy who only exists in your imagination? Here’s my top-ten list of the rationalizations women make when they’re in dead-end relationships:

1. “He’s really sweet.”

Being sweet is not difficult. Most house pets can do the same. The real question is: Why is he sweet? Is he sweet because you deserve it, or is he sweet because of what he wants to get in return?

2. “We’ve been together so long.”

The length of a relationship does not determine its value. To cling to a bad relationship would be like saying, “I know I’m driving in the wrong direction, but we’ve already gone ten miles. Let’s just keep going until we circle the globe.” Turn around. Just because a relationship is hard to leave, this does not mean that you should stay. After all, the longer you drag on a bad relationship, the longer it will take to heal.

3. “I already gave myself to him.”

Having slept with someone is not evidence that you should stay in the relationship. It’s just a reason why you find it difficult to leave. When you sleep with someone, you create a bond that is not easily broken. Part of this is due to a neuro-chemical called oxytocin, which is released in your brain during sex. It causes a massive emotional bond, impairs your critical thinking abilities, helps you to forget bad memories of the guy, and causes you to trust him more. All of this is great in marriage, but it’s a recipe for disaster outside of marriage. That’s because you lose your ability to clearly see the value of a relationship. It binds you and blinds you. You downplay the negative, until it’s too late to ignore.

4. “We’re not always doing it. There’s more to our relationship than sex.”

My wife once wrote, “One clue that you’re doing something wrong is when you start spending a lot of time trying to convince yourself that what you’re doing is right.” If a woman is sleeping with a man she’s not married to, she may justify it by comparing herself favorably to those who are having meaningless hookups. Since she’s not always in bed with her boyfriend, and they have other common interests, she assumes that the relationship is a balanced one. The idea that they’re “not always doing it” distracts her from the fact that they should not be doing it at all.

5. “My family really likes him.”

To test how much your parents like your boyfriend, imagine the look on their faces if you disclosed the full truth about your relationship. If the image of your dad running to find his shotgun comes to mind, odds are you’re parents like only who they think he is.

6. “But we really love each other.”

In the words of Saint John Paul II, “Love is not merely a feeling. It is an act of the will that prefers, in a constant manner, the good of others to the good of one’s self.” Simply put, if you love one another, you do what is best for each other. Lead each other to heaven.

7. “He doesn’t pressure me to have sex.”

He may not be pressuring you to have sex, but he’s probably not pressuring you to be pure, either. More than likely, he’ll take everything you’ll give him. I remember one high school guy asking me, “Do you ever tell the girls that we sometimes tell them we’re okay not having sex so that they’ll give it to us?” Players know that women are more likely to sleep with them if the woman perceives that she’s freely choosing it. She feels honored that he’s not pressuring her, and this lowers her inhibitions. But even if the girl is the one who urges him, or the decision is mutual, this does not make the sexual activity moral, or the relationship healthy.

8. “We both agree with it.”

If mutual consent made any sexual act moral, then even prostitution could be acceptable. What couples often refuse to see is that sexual activity involves more than the two of them. Their children could be created, their parents could be devastated, and their future spouses could be affected. But most importantly, they are ignoring God, who is the author of love. This is why St. Augustine defined lust as “that affection of the mind that aims at the enjoyment of one’s self and one’s neighbor without reference to God.”

9.  “He’d be devastated if we broke up.”

If your relationship is unhealthy, then you’ll end up devastated if you stay. A man who cannot stand on his own two feet without you is not the man who you want to marry. Such a dependent man will not make a good husband and father. Therefore, his dependency is not a reason to remain, but evidence that you should leave.

10. “He’ll change.”

My wife and I once met a woman who dated a man who had some personal problems, but she always hoped he would change. Now, after a decade of marriage, they’re divorced because things only grew worse with time. All too often, women romanticize about the future so that they won’t have to focus on today. If you want to think about the future, ask yourself, “Am I content with this kind of man raising my children?” Give your kids the best, and don’t ever date a guy hoping he’ll change. It’s unfair to him and to you. Besides, it’s not your job to be his messiah.

I’m not sure how many of these points you recognized, but I hope that you’ll be brave enough to consider if they’re at work in your relationship. If you recognized some of these warning signs in your life, don’t be afraid that you’ll never find a better guy. God knows well the plans he has in mind for you, but sometimes we need to let go of what we think we want in order to receive what we really deserve.

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Jason Evert founded chastity.com has spoken on six continents to more than one million people about the virtue of chastity. He is the author of more than ten books, including How to Find Your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul and Theology of the Body for Teens.

Sometimes it can be hard to tell whether or not the person that we ladies spend all of our time thinking about, texting, and/or crushing on will actually be good for us in the long run. If a guy is handsome, charming, and smells nice… chances are we don’t mind his 300 other girlfriends, the questionable way that he never texts back, or his possible criminal record.

I mean, I understand that he has a gorgeous smile but there are more things to consider here. A nice smile doesn’t mean much when you want to have a heart to heart conversation about your faith or something that means a lot to you.

I was in adoration recently and I opened up my Bible to Ephesians 5:25 where St. Paul gives the women of the Church a fantastic guideline for making sure they are in a good relationship. He writes, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

What criteria does this give us for when we are discerning a relationship?

Well first of all, is this person selfless? Christ “Gave himself up” for the church out of love for her, if Christ only thought about himself, he would not have been loving perfectly. Instead, he does not put himself first. St Paul reinforces this point in 1 Corinthians 13:5 when he says that “(love) is not selfish.” If your guy just wants to talk about himself all the time, it’s probably time to move on. You’ve got more important things to do than listen to him brag about how many grapes he can fit in his mouth.

Next, does this person love you? Now I know that is a very serious question and most people over the age of twelve don’t say “I love you” in a relationship until they have been dating for 300+ years… but love in one of its many forms is the preference of another’s happiness over your own. If your guy is constantly canceling his plans with you to hang out with his other friends… That’s a red flag concerning how much he actually cares for you. I’m definitely not saying that you should be his only friend or that he can only hang out with you, but if your plans together get pushed aside or forgotten by him often, you may want to take a harder look at your relationship.

Finally, while this person will most likely not be asked to give himself up for you in a death like Christ’s, he will be asked to die to himself and his passions every single day in order to preserve your purity. Does he die to his impure passions for the good of your relationship? The struggle to remain pure in a relationship should be something that you can both unite to take on together. If he does not fight to defend your purity then he is not respecting you in the way that you deserve to be respected most. You are a priceless creation that deserves to be guarded and loved in the right way. If he does not see that, you most definitely should get him a new pair of glasses and promptly show him the way to the door.

Relationships are not easy, love is not easy, and discerning both of these things can be exhausting. Thankfully, we as a church have wonderful examples of love to follow and learn from.

I will pray for all of you as you pursue holy relationships. God loves you so much and so do I. 1 Corinthians 13

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Rebekah Hardy lives in New Jersey and is currently a sophomore at Mount St. Mary’s University in Emmitsburg, Maryland where she majors in Theology and Education. She enjoys playing sports, praying the Rosary, and drinking all different kinds of coffee. Her blog can be found at catholiclifesite.wordpress.com and her twitter handle is @bekahhardy7.

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0.

Am I seen for what I am, or who I am? Recently, I had a long, conversation with a friend about her relationship with her boyfriend. She was concerned because she felt that he was seeing her as an object rather than an equal.

After pondering this concern more, I realized that we as human beings (but especially women) tend to see ourselves exactly how we wish not to be seen by others. We look in the mirror, and the eyes staring back judge us for what we are (how attractive, beautiful, intellectual etc.) rather than who we are (children made in the image of God).

Ultimately, we crave the gaze of the Beloved.

We crave to be admired. We long to be loved completely and passionately. However, before we will ever be able to truly appreciate the beauty of someone else, we must experience a conversion of beauty by gazing into the eyes of Christ. His gaze heals us. Our wounds, as painful and permanent as they seem, are nothing to be compared Christ’s healing power.

An article entitled, “What’s In A Gaze?” delves into the importance of looking on the face of Christ. It reads, “This gazing upon Christ—and receiving His gaze—changes us, transforms us, bit-by-bit, healing our hearts and enabling us to entrust our lives to Him.” It is in this “double gazing” that we are healed. “Take the time to contemplate the face of Jesus. Get to know Him and listen in your heart to what He wants to say to you today through Sacred Scripture.”

“Look at Me.”

Am I seen for who I am, or what I am? Sadly, I have never been the kind of person who goes to adoration, kneels down, and is just transfixed on Jesus with a look of perfect sereneness. In all honesty, due to my own insecurities, it can be hard to look into the eyes of regular people! During a Eucharistic procession that was part of an adoration night, I felt the Lord telling me to lift my gaze to Him, instead of my usual downward prayer posture. Instead of looking down, or into a mirror with a gaze that dissatisfies you for the thousandth time, look up into the gaze of Christ. Look into the eyes of others, and find Christ in every single person you encounter—in person or online. The countless opportunities the world gives us to lust only offers counterfeit, temporary satisfaction. Hold out for true love so that you can give it and receive it with abandon.

We Long for “The Gaze”

The reason our world is facing an epidemic of pornography “gazing issues” is because it is one of our deepest longings to be gazed on with love. It is important and amazingly freeing to remember that the only person we should fully gaze upon or be gazed by is by Christ and our spouse. It is through gazing on Christ that we will see others through his gaze, and thus know how to gaze on others. Fix your gaze on Christ. There is no shame is His gaze.

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Rachel del Guidice is a student at Franciscan University of Steubenville working towards a major in Mass Communications with a concentration in journalism. This year, she is working as the Public Relations director of Franciscan University’s Students for Life club and also writes for The Troubadour, FUS’s student newspaper. She loves God, family, old and new friends and ice cream (in that order!). Connect with her on Twitter at @LRacheldG.

“What’s the big deal with sex, anyway?  Why is it important to save sex for marriage?”

These are common questions, and the answer to them tells one of God’s greatest love stories.

Here are 5 reasons sex is a big deal.

1.  Sex is Holy.  
There are two extreme viewpoints about sex: One is that “sex is good with whoever you want.” The other is “sex isn’t good,” but it’s acceptable in marriage only for the sake of having children.

Contrary to both extremes, sex is holy. It is a heavenly affair. God created sex, and lovemaking of a married couple represents Christ’s love for His bride, the Church (Eph. 5).

2.  Sex involves both body and soul.
Our society feeds us a lie that sex involves only our body. Yet, to view sex as purely mechanical is to degrade our humanity. God designed sex to be within the permanent and personal relationship of marriage—not in a “no-strings-attached” relationship.

Sex outside marriage says, “I love you today, but I may not love you tomorrow.” However, sex within marriage says, “I love you so much that we become ‘one,’ both body and soul.” Sex is then “a sign and pledge of spiritual communion.” (CCC 2360.)

3.  Sex is more than recreation—it involves procreation.
Sex isn’t a game—it holds the power to create life. When we separate something from its purpose, it becomes distorted. For example, consider someone who binges and purges on food. This is an abusive relationship with food because eating isn’t meant just for pleasure—it is also meant to nourish our bodies.

In the same way, when sex is not open to life, we abuse the gift of sex because we’re binging on pleasure and purging the possibility of procreation.

4.  Sex is most satisfying within marriage
A common argument for sex before marriage is that the other person has to be “test-driven.” However, a couple’s sex life changes over a lifetime. Just because a “test-drive” was pleasurable, it does not mean that the other person has the ability to form a lasting marriage. Besides, you test drive things, not people.

Sex between a husband and a wife is most satisfying because it involves true intimacy—the intimacy that comes from committing to loving and serving each other forever. It is like a tapestry that becomes more beautiful over time as the couple builds a life together. Children come, jobs change, and the couple grows old together. The tapestry artistically tells a story and gets more beautiful over time.

5.  Sex is about giving, not taking.
What is our society most afraid of? Giving our heart to someone forever. We are told, “It’s ok to have sex. But, be careful who you marry. Sex is easy. Marrying someone is risky.”

Why does our culture fear marriage, but is quick to promote uncommitted sex? Because marriage involves sacrifice. And, sacrifice is hard! In Croatia, some couples hold a crucifix during the wedding ceremony in order to symbolize that marriage involves laying down one’s life for one’s spouse, just as Christ laid down his life for us.

Sex outside marriage means someone isn’t willing to give you all of himself/herself—and by all I mean a lifelong commitment in marriage. It takes a body, but doesn’t give one’s life forever. It says, “I want your body, but I don’t want to give you my heart forever.”

Sex within marriage says, “I want to give you all of me—mind, body, and soul—forever.” This earthly love is meant to point us to the greatest love story: God’s love for us.

And that’s a big deal.

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Emily Brandenburg is a Catholic Youth and Young Adult leader in the Diocese of Orange, California.  She hosts a large Bible study and Praise, Worship, and Adoration evenings.  In addition, she is concertmaster of St. Martin’s Orchestra, holds a J.D. from Pepperdine School of Law, and is a full-time attorney.  She enjoys spending time outdoors, fellowshipping with family and friends, making new friends, and always having a good laugh.  You can connect with her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Emily-Brandenburg/1565280567042667 and Instagram at @emily_brande.  She blogs at TheNetofLove.blogspot.com.

I’ve spoken to so many girls who have been told their standards are too high. I’ve even been told that myself. But, as a friend recently reassured me, high standards attract high standards. I think it’s natural for many men to be initially intimidated by women with high standards. That doesn’t make them any less of a man. The test is whether they’re willing to push through the fear and ask you out anyway because they believe you’re worth that risk.

Whether I’ve accepted their invitation or not, I’ve had more respect for guys who have explicitly and intentionally asked me out on a date than those who have casually dodged the point or vaguely suggested we “get together sometime.” In demanding intentionality and responsibility, I’ve been able to see them flourish or wither. A man who withers under the pressure of those high standards in the early stages merely shows that he won’t live up to them in marriage. A man who tackles the challenges you lay before him head on and pursues you with sincerity and commitment is ultimately the man who will prove worthy of winning your heart.

You deserve someone who will lead you to Christ. Someone who will give everything they have and everything they are to make you a saint. Someone who will willingly lay down their life for you as Christ did for the Church. But if we want men to step up and be men in that way, we have to give them the space, opportunity and encouragement to do so. That means setting high standards and challenging them to meet them.

“To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, and goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.” Fulton Sheen

In Wild at Heart, John Eldredge writes that “I married a woman I thought would never challenge me as a man.” I don’t want to be a woman who doesn’t challenge a man to be a man. I want to be a woman who draws that man out of himself, affirms him in his strength and inspires him to greatness. Allowing men to settle for what’s comfortable isn’t loving them authentically. As women, we need to show them that we believe they’re capable of more, and—in love—motivate them to reach their potential.

The beauty of God’s design for men and women is that we complement each other perfectly. When we’re at our best, we enable each other to be our best. Being our best means seeking God’s best for us—knowing that His plan is always ‘to prosper and not to harm us’ (Jer. 29:11). If you know that someone doesn’t meet the standards you have in your heart, then don’t settle in your relationship. Trust God that He has something better in mind for you.

“Dear young people, do not settle for anything less than the highest ideals.” – Saint John Paul II

Ultimately it’s not just you that your choice of husband or wife will affect: it’s also your future family. Women—look for a man who will strengthen and affirm your sons, and instil a firm sense of dignity and worth in your daughters. Men—seek a woman who will nurture your family as it grows, and build you up in your fatherhood.

You deserve God’s best for you. Don’t settle!

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

“The first few months we dated, I never knew he drank. I would have never guessed it because, after all, he went to mass every Sunday. One time, he invited me to go out with his friends. He kissed me when he was drunk. I felt so dirty after. No girl grows up dreaming one of her first kisses would be in a dive bar with a wasted boyfriend.

I justified it, saying he only drank that much once or twice a month. But, his actions while under the influence were unchaste—flirting with other girls, grinding on the dance floor, and trying to go too far when kissing me. Also, I noticed binge drinking became as important as our relationship—date night Friday, getting drunk on Saturday night, and church Sunday.

I stopped going out with his friends because I started binging myself. So, I would sometimes sit home alone on a Friday night, knowing my boyfriend was out drinking with his friends. I felt so abandoned. I felt so alone. I knew this wasn’t what love was supposed to be.”

This is a true story, retold with permission. She eventually got out of that relationship destroyed by drinking.

What is binge drinking?  Binge drinking is defined as a man consuming five drinks or a woman consuming four drinks in a two hour period. This raises the blood alcohol level above .08 and is scientifically proven to physically and mentally impair every person. Regardless if someone says he/she is, “in control” after that much to drink, science speaks for itself.

What’s the big deal with binge drinking?

It is unchaste.  Binge drinking is easy to excuse away as something young people do. But, it is unchaste because it violates the virtue of temperance. Temperance moderates food, drink, and sex because they are the “greatest forms of pleasure” and how the human race is preserved. “Abstinence and sobriety,” are essential to living a chaste life—they regulate the nutritive appetite in food/drink and the procreative appetite in sex.

It can lead to hook-ups. Excessive alcohol consumption can lead to casual sexual encounters—whether it is grinding, kissing, making out, or having sex.Hook-ups most commonly occur while drunk because it lowers inhibitions and masks shame that would normally occur after hooking up.

Like porn, it removes intimacy and love from sexuality. Hooking up, which most commonly occurs while drunk, reduces sexual actions to a purely mechanical and physical action, in the same way that porn does. Even if it’s, “just a kiss,” hooking up removes the love and relationship element from sexuality.

It ruins your relationship with God. Galatians 5:21 lists binge drinking alongside sexual promiscuity when it says, “drinking bouts, orgies… those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”  Living a chaste lifestyle is necessary to our relationship with God and staying on the narrow road to heaven.

It can’t be justified with excuses.  “I only do it to spend time with my friends,” is not a valid excuse.  If almost every activity with friends involves binge drinking (or underage drinking), the friendships are hollow. “I don’t do it all the time,” is not a valid excuse because the very nature of binge drinking is that it isn’t done all the time —binging includes periods of abstaining.

It ruins relationships.  Relationships involving binge drinking experience problems, including:

• Flirting or cheating under the influence;
• Abandoning his/her significant other to binge or expecting he/she to join or tolerate it;
• Being too exhausted to spend time with his/her significant other the day after a night of binging;
• Resenting his/her significant other when he/she wants to do something instead of binge;
• Saying hurtful comments to his/her significant other under the influence;
• Delaying commitment so he/she is “free” to binge whenever he/she wants.

While there is nothing intrinsically wrong with alcohol, it must be used with temperance. If you’ve made mistakes with alcohol in the past, go to Confession and pray to God for strength to turn away from it. He will lead you to healthy and holy relationships.

__________________________

Emily Brandenburg is a Catholic Youth and Young Adult leader in the Diocese of Orange, California.  She hosts a large Bible study and Praise, Worship, and Adoration evenings.  In addition, she is concertmaster of St. Martin’s Orchestra, holds a J.D. from Pepperdine School of Law, and is a full-time attorney.  She enjoys spending time outdoors, fellowshipping with family and friends, making new friends, and always having a good laugh.  You can connect with her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Emily-Brandenburg/1565280567042667 and Instagram at @emily_brande.  She blogs at TheNetofLove.blogspot.com.

Chastity is for lovers. That isn’t solely the title of my book, but a truth I believe with my whole heart. It’s a virtue for all of us—single, married, priest, nun—that creates conditions in which we can do what we were designed to do: love God and each other.

Chastity doesn’t separate sexuality from the rest of the stuff that makes us human, but helps us arrange our lives in such a way that sexuality isn’t misused (See CCC 2337). It requires us to discern before we act on an urge instead of acting because of an urge.

We live, however, in a culture that isn’t conducive to chastity, a culture that creates conditions in which we believe we can and should get what we want when we want it, without consequence. We live in a culture that teaches us to act on all the urges ever.

That means that very few parts of our lives require what chastity requires of us. Which means chastity, for some of us, is difficult. But practical ways exist to get better at practicing it—exercises that cultivate skills that are transferable to chastity. Here are five of them:

1. Turn off the radio. 

Whenever we get in a car, the first thing we turn on after the ignition is the music. Try making room for silence instead. Doing so fortifies your ability to exist with a desire, without satiating it. Contrary to what the culture that surrounds us says, our lives don’t end when we don’t act on urges. Not acting on this small urge will make not acting on bigger urges easier.

2. Do the chore you hate the most. Immediately. 

Vacuuming is the household chore I hate the most. Which is exactly why it’s in my best interest to vacuum now. Doing the chore you don’t want to do fortifies your ability to transcend the sin of sloth, which is “a sadness arising from the fact that the good is difficult,” according to St. Thomas Aquinas. I know it’s good to vacuum: clean floors trump dirty ones. But vacuuming is difficult: it requires me to exert myself when I don’t wanna. The sloth that stops us from doing chores we hate is the same sloth that stops us from practicing chastity. If you can transcend it in chores, you can transcend it in relationships.

3. Fulfill your worst responsibility first. 

As professionals or as students, we each have responsibilities to fulfill. Among them are responsibilities we’d rather avoid. As a journalist, I don’t enjoy calling the subject of a story to divulge that I’ve discovered the criminal record that he or she forgot to mention. It’s super awk. Sometimes people yell at me. Which is exactly why I should do it as soon as possible. Starting your day by doing what you have to do but don’t wanna fortifies your ability to do the right thing, despite discomfort—such as telling a guy or girl that you’re saving sex (or sex from now on) for marriage.

4. Let somebody else have the last piece of pie. 

Or the last red velvet Oreo cookie when they come out next month. Or the last handful of kale chips, if that’s your thing. Whatever. The point is that letting somebody else have the snack you really want fortifies your ability to forego what you want for the sake of somebody else’s good. If you can sacrifice for the good of your beloved’s palate, you can also sacrifice for the good of your beloved’s mind, body and soul, which we all have to do to authentically love.

5. Make an intimidating commitment. 

For all of 2015, I will not ever eat dessert. Dessert is my favorite meal, so this was a daunting commitment to make. But I did it because promising to do what you think you can’t fortifies your ability to accept that you are stronger than you thought you were. We are created able to practice chastity, which the culture that surrounds us calls impossible. Committing to do what intimidates (but is good for) you will remind you that you that you can do this.

___________________________

Arleen Spenceley is author of the book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin. She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times, and has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com. You can connect with her on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0.

Most people hear the word, “boundaries” and automatically bring up the question: “How far can we go physically without crossing a line?” Of course, that’s an important question to consider, but in fact there is far more to it than that. Yes, boundaries can be physical. But they can also be emotional, or even conversational. For me, respecting my own boundaries with other people is essential: it’s one of the primary ways that I learn to respect myself!

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

Proverbs 4:23

Being told to guard your heart can sometimes feel more like a threat than words of encouragement. But the reason that God calls us to guard our hearts is so that they can be given wholly, freely and selflessly in marriage. Because we live in a culture of instant gratification, our natural reaction is to jump head-first into relationships in an attempt to reap the benefits meant for much further down the line. Instead, enjoy each phase of the journey!

Setting boundaries for yourself doesn’t mean locking your heart up so tightly that you dodge human vulnerability. We’re also called to love people, and love IS vulnerable by nature! However, in order to love purely and selflessly, it’s important to be aware of how you act, what you say, and where you are, and to practice self-discipline in order to protect yourself from heartache and misdirection. Be discerning in your relationships: forming them on mutual trust, and building a strong foundation on which to then open your heart to them if and when the time is right.

As brothers and sisters in Christ we have a responsibility to each other. Sisters, teach your brothers about the dignity and mystery of women. Though it can be tempting to share your heart quickly with someone when you want them to really know you, getting into conversations which are deeper than your current relationship status leaves you open to confusion and desolation. Your heart is valuable. Make sure he can pay the price before you give it away. Demand respect and maturity, and the right person will show you it.

Brothers, be a living contradiction of the world’s message to your sisters that they are worth only what they can offer physically. Pushing physical boundaries—however unintentionally—reinforces the feeling that a woman’s body is more important than her heart or her intellect. It’s natural to want to show your affection physically—through a flirtatious nudge or by trying to sit as close as possible to her—but unless that’s followed up by asking how she is or showing interest in her opinion it can put the focus too much on the physical aspect to your relationship. Absolutely let her know she’s beautiful, but your behaviour should also remind her there is more to her than her body, and reassure her that you see and appreciate that. How do you naturally show your affection?

Boundaries aren’t only important within a relationship. When a potential relationship arises, you both deserve complete security at every stage. That means creating an atmosphere where the other person feels valued, comfortable and confident in your feelings for them. Being aware of your behaviour around other people now (especially with the opposite sex) will make you more able to distinguish it from your behaviour around someone you have feelings for later on. If you feel like you may be called to be someone’s wife or husband someday, then a great way to challenge yourself on your behaviour right now is to ask yourself the question: “If that person were here now, would they want me to be behaving in this way with this other person?”

The most important thing is not to feel like you’re living by a set of rules, but instead to focus on living in a way which pleases God and blesses those you love. A chaste way of life has to come from the heart. Discern your boundaries through prayer, and commit to them. What it ultimately comes down to is respect—for yourself and for others—which enables free, total, fruitful and faithful love to flourish. In that there is freedom, not restriction!

_______________________

Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

While trying to avoid homework, I was scrolling through a news website and ended up watching an interview with an actress who was being asked about displaying nudity in movies and shows, and her words were quite striking: “It’s kind of cool right now to show stuff. Because a lot of big time celebrities are doing it. I’m not afraid of showing my body, but it’s really something you have to think about.”

I was struck by the familiarity of these words. I have heard women speak before about how we shouldn’t be afraid of our bodies, and that instead of fearfully hiding them, we should flaunt them publicly in either revealing clothes or some amount of nakedness. Our bodies are beautiful, and not something to be feared—but does this mean we should exhibit our nakedness for all to see? Does this mean we should get comfortable with being naked on screen or in public?

The fact that we are men and women, made for self-giving, sacrificial love, is apparent through our bodies. Unfortunately, we are imperfect people, and we can fall prey to lust. By using others or ourselves as objects, we fall short of the self-giving love that we desire and deserve. But this doesn’t mean that we should fear our bodies. The solution to being ashamed of our bodies isn’t to become shameless. Instead, we should foster a healthy understanding of shame. We need to understand that, as Pope St. John Paul II discusses in his Theology of the Body audiences, shame is twofold: it is both the desire to not be objectified and the desire for affirmation of one’s subjectivity(being a personal subject, higher than the animals, having self-determination and self-awareness).

I’m guessing many people don’t want to be objectified, and that’s good—but we can’t stop there. In our behavior, words, and hearts, we should want to be recognized as the amazing, self-giving men and women that we were created to be!

When a person is naked, he or she is offering a chance for another person to respond in self-gift. As Pope St. John Paul II states, “The human body—the naked human body in all the truth of its masculinity and femininity—has the meaning of a gift of the person to the person.” Nakedness is a source of interpersonal unity. When a woman is naked before a man, she—through her body—is inviting the man to join with her in communion. This takes complete and total trust, so that the naked woman isn’t afraid of being objectified, and so that she knows that her dignity will be affirmed. Such trust, communion, and love are only found in marriage, where the total gift of the body corresponds with a total gift of the person.

Nakedness is special, and a big deal—but the world is losing sight of that. As the actress stated in her recent interview, “It is your comfort level that matters” when showing nudity. But if we, as a culture and society, perpetuate this idea that we need to get comfortable with public nakedness, the gift of a person’s nakedness will be robbed of its deep value. When so many celebrities display nakedness in movies and on television, and when our peers post partially nude pictures on Facebook, it can be really easy to lose sight of the specialness of nakedness. After all, to the culture, nakedness isn’t a big deal. We need to make it a big deal. Let’s keep it in marriage, where we can fully join in self-gift and communion with another. Let’s bring back the specialness of nakedness.

__________________________

AnneMarie Miller studies Theology and English at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She has a passion for the Catholic Faith, chastity, St. Francis of Assisi, and frolicking around barefoot. In August 2013, she was blessed to marry her incredible husband, and the two of them enjoy the epic adventures of married college life. When she’s not doing homework, housework, cooking, or playing chess, AnneMarie reflects on life’s beauty and random observations on her blog, Sacrifice of Love (http://marianninja.blogspot.com).

I love Pope Francis and I know I’m not the only one. From the moment he was elected at the conclave nearly two years ago, it seems that everyone—including the media, the non-religious and the fallen-away Catholics—fell in love with him. He is simple, down to earth, and most importantly he has a heart for the poor and outcast.

I have had a lot of conversations with people who have a renewed interest in the Catholic Church because of Pope Francis. But with the renewed interest has come a lot of confusion as well. If I were only to consider what I have heard from media and from friends and family, I would think that Pope Francis has changed the teachings in the Catholic Church. In the past couple of months, I have heard several people say:

–       Pope Francis has changed many of the Church’s oldest teachings.

–       Pope Francis has declared that gay marriage is coming to the Catholic Church.

–       Pope Francis is going to be lifting the ban on contraception and all the other disliked teachings in the Church.

I can’t tell you how many people I have spoken with who believe that these changes have taken place and they are excited to see change. Forget Obama’s “Change we can believe in.” Here comes Pope Francis!

Unfortunately for these people, none of these changes are true and they are never going to happen.

For many who have left the Church, one of the biggest things that they are waiting for is change in teaching—in particular the Church’s sexual teachings. Whether it’s gay marriage, divorce, contraception, or chastity, there is no shortage of people advocating for the Catholic Church to change.

The problem is that this is impossible. The Pope understands that these teachings were handed down by Jesus Christ and the Church does not have the authority to change something that Jesus taught. The Pope doesn’t have the ability to change doctrine. Pope Francis can change the pastoral focus of the Church, he can emphasize different parts of Christ’s teaching, he can even change some of the disciplines in the Church, but the teachings of Christ cannot be changed by anyone—he has a responsibility to teach what Christ taught.

So why is it that so many people want to see the Church change its sexual teachings? The reality is – Jesus taught some difficult things and his difficult teachings are reflected in the Church’s sexual teachings. Consider this:

–       Committing to save sex until a lifetime commitment in marriage—that’s hard.

–       Relying upon self-control rather than birth control—that’s hard.

–       Entrusting same-sex attractions to God and committing to find intimacy in Him—that’s hard.

–       Loving your spouse in the worst of times (like you promised in your wedding vows) instead of getting divorced—that’s hard.

It is countercultural to believe that following the Church’s teachings will result in a greater experience of love in your life. It is only someone who pushes through the difficulty and comes out on the other side that discovers why God has given us these difficult teachings.

Someone might look at the sexual teachings of the Church and ask, “When did Jesus teach these things? Where can I find it in the Bible?” Although chapter-and-verse proof can be shown, the simplest answer is that the relationship between the “Bridegroom” and the “Bride” is interwoven throughout the Bible. From Adam and Eve in the first chapter of Genesis to the relationship between Christ and His Church in the final chapter of Revelation—the imagery of the Bridegroom and Bride is among the most important teachings in all of Christianity. If you don’t understand this imagery—you really don’t understand the Bible, or Christianity at all. God loves us like a Bridegroom loves his bride. It is in the light of this imagery that all of the Church’s teachings make sense. Because we’re made in the image and likeness of a God who is love, human love should reflect divine love. When it fails to do this, it ceases to be love.

____________________

Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development and Promotion Lead for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute where he also holds an MA in Theology. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @everettfritz and http://everettfritz.com/

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0.

A good friend of mine recently gave me a book about future spouses. After each chapter there is a nice little guide to writing your own letter to your future husband/wife. I decided to write my own letter and share it with you. So here it is . . .

“Dear future husband,

Hey. How are you? I just wanted to write to you to tell you that I am waiting for you. I’m waiting for you because I already love you. I’m waiting for you now and I will continue waiting for you until the day that God chooses to cross our paths.

I know that life can be hard and you might be tempted to despair or settle for relationships or situations that will not bring you true happiness or joy. But through all of this I just want you to know that I am also praying for you. Even though we may not have met yet, you are not alone in this. I know how you feel.

I know how easy it seems to just hook up with someone or use someone to fill in the loneliness that you feel in your heart. I know how tough it can be to say no to impurity. Just know that every time I feel this way, I think of you. I offer up this loneliness I feel in hopes that it will bring you some consolation on your journey. If you’re reading this, I hope you will do the same for me.

I hope you think of me when life gets hard. I hope you pray for me like I do for you. and just as much as I want you to wait for me, I don’t want you to wait for me. I want you to live your life to the fullest. I hope you take every opportunity to grow as a person and fall in love with God.

I want you to do this because this is what I’ll be doing with my life until the time comes when I can do it together with you. I am not going to sit around waiting for you to come sweep me off of my feet. I am going to live a life that allows me to be the best person I can be and grow to be in a place where I can love you as much as I possibly can when the time comes.

Whenever it is going to be that I can share my life with you, I want to give you all of my past experiences as a part of my gift of self . . .  and I want it to be a great gift.

So please, Get out there and experience this beautiful gift of life that you have been given! Ill meet you somewhere along the way. So if you see me in a coffee shop or in a chapel, don’t be afraid to say hi (If in a chapel, let me pray first . . . I might be praying for you). Eventually we’ll get to catch up on everything that has happened since the last time our souls met.

I’ll be seeing you around.

Love,

Me.

—————

I know this blog post is a little different from the usual, but I hope that you will all consider the kind of life you want to be able to share with that one person that God has set aside for you. Enjoy your time in this life with the knowledge that whether you are called to marry another human being or whether you are called to marry the Church through entering the priesthood or marry Christ through the vows of religious life, you should use your time now to grow in love and virtue so that when it happens, you can fulfill your vocation in an exciting and joy-filled way.

I’ll be praying for all of you and your future vocations and I hope that you will pray for me as well.

God loves you so much and so do I.

1 Corinthians 13

______________________________

Rebekah Hardy lives in New Jersey and is a sophomore at Mount St. Mary’s University in Emmitsburg, Maryland where she majors in Theology and minors in English. She enjoys playing sports, praying the Rosary, and drinking iced coffee. Her blog can be found atcatholiclifesite.wordpress.com and her twitter handle is @bekahhardy7.

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0.

On January 22, hundreds of thousands of people will join together in Washington DC for the annual March for Life. January 22 is the anniversary of the Supreme Court decision Roe v. Wade, which legalized abortion in America—effectively ending the fundamental right to life in the land of the free. Since 1973, over 56 million American children have died in the womb due to the tragedy of abortion.

The March for Life in the country’s Capitol is one thing that we can all do to witness to the value of life, but I think it’s a mistake to think that the primary road to ending abortion is to wait for the government to overturn the legislation. That strategy requires waiting and patience—on government branches, no less.

Thankfully, we don’t need to wait on the government in order to build a culture of life. In his encyclical, Evangelium Vitae, Pope St. John Paul II refers to abortion and all life issues as a battle with the “Culture of Death.” What is a culture? It’s the very way of life of the people. Everything from the way that we dress, the music we listen to, the food that we eat, the way that we talk, and our core values and religion as people, makes up our culture. When John Paul II refers to a “Culture of Death,” he is saying that our civilization’s way of life builds to legalized abortion—it builds towards death. Or in other words, just as true love is life-giving, lust eventually leads to death (either physical or spiritual, or both).

Think about it. What are “pro-choice” advocates protecting when they advocate for abortion rights? They say that they want choices available for women and that the government shouldn’t have the ability to dictate to a woman what she can and can’t do with her body. But abortion isn’t about what a woman can and can’t do with her body. It’s about unjustly taking the life of another person. What the pro-choice movement refuses to recognize is that the argument for abortion rights isn’t about a woman’s right to her own body. It’s about protecting a woman’s “right” to her way of life and valuing that “right” over the fundamental right to life.

The reason why we have abortion in our country is because our culture wishes to give people the “right” to SEX WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. Our culture values this “right” above all other rights.

The way of life of the people in our country dictates that abortion must be an available option for all people because we don’t want to accept the responsibilities that inherently come with having sex. The number one reason for unwanted pregnancy in America is due to failure in contraception. This means that two people engaged in sexual activity and attempted to use contraception as a way to “protect” themselves from having the responsibility of accepting new life into their relationship. When contraception fails, abortion becomes the “safety net” to prevent the two people from accepting the responsibility for their actions. The way of life of our country inherently leads to a “Culture of Death” because our way of life requires that death be an option so that we can live as we wish.

So how can you build up a Culture of Life”? The nature of sex demands authentic responsibility. It’s not just the responsibility to accept new life if it is created, but also to love the person that you are with in a lifelong commitment of love. Sex requires maturity and responsibility. When you wait until marriage to have sex, you are waiting until you are ready to accept the responsibilities that sex requires of you. In this way, you change your way of life and you become one person working to change the culture.

The best way that you can build up a Culture of Life is to live chastity in your life.

_______________________

Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development and Promotion Lead for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute where he also holds an MA in Theology. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @everettfritz and http://everettfritz.com/

When I came home from college for Christmas, my 12-year-old brother admitted that he liked a girl in his class. I, being the concerned older sister that I am, asked what her name was. He was a little embarrassed so he refused to tell me, so for the next two weeks, every time he walked into the room, he was greeted with a “What’s her name?” from me.

It’s strange thinking that my little brother likes girls. My sister and I joke that he’s the perfect child because he has seen us get into enough trouble and he knows what the consequences are. He’s watched us go through heartbreak and loss. Hopefully, he’s learned from my sister and my experiences. I hope he keeps these lessons in mind as he grows and eventually enters the dating world.

I hope he knows that there is no rush to date. I remember kids starting to have “boyfriends” and “girlfriends” as young as third grade. Most of the time, the kids were just playmates but they gave each other that label. I remember hearing kids “hitting the bases” by the time I was in 8th grade. Kids are in such a hurry to enter the dating world. Why? There is no rush; they have their entire lives to date. They’re still young and have a lot of maturing and learning to do before they can date. I remember being that age and wondering why nobody liked me or why I didn’t have a boyfriend. Now I thank the Lord that none of that happen because I was certainly not ready to date. I wish I spent more time being a kid instead of concerning myself about what that one kid in my math class thought of me.

I want my little brother to know that he has to treat mom right. There was a kid I liked for a little while and became friends with, but I quickly changed my mind about my feelings about him when I saw the way he interacted with his mom. I heard him calling his mom “a skank” and “stupid” to her face and behind her back. He would ignore her when she spoke to him. I realized he may treat me with respect, but if he is willing to treat a woman he is close to like that, what’s stopping him from name calling and disrespecting me in the future?

My brother is so respectful towards my mom and I hope he doesn’t lose it. He opens the car door for her and waits for her to get in before he gets in. He’s patient with her when he’s helping her learn how to use the new fancy tv remote or her new phone when it would be so easy to get frustrated. I hope he doesn’t stop these habits. I hope that girls will see this once he starts dating and this respect he has for my mom transfers to how he treats his future girlfriend.

I hope he knows that it’s okay to be a fish out of water. Kids called me a prude in high school because I was very open about my faith and made it clear that I wanted to be respected as a young woman and wanted to wait to have sex until I was married. It caused me a lot of heartache in high school but now I am so grateful I didn’t fall to that peer pressure. My brother is outgoing and kooky. He likes wearing lacrosse shorts that have crazy patterns on them and bright colored socks. While all of his other friends may like the same college football team, he likes a random division 2 college football team of a school no one has ever heard of. He’s different and he likes it that way. That’s just his personality. I hope he holds onto that and recognizes that he shouldn’t lower himself to the standards of his peers for a girl. A girl should like him, quirks and all. She should find them endearing, like I do.

________________________

Hannah Crites is a sophomore at Franciscan University of Steubenville majoring in Mass Communications with a focus in Journalism and minoring in Theology. She hails from Denver, Colorado and enjoys eating Twizzlers, long walks on the beach, talking in a horrible British accent, and the word “discombobulate”. Connect with her through Twitter @hannah_crites and check out more of what she has written at http://youngcatholiccentral.wordpress.com/

Many people walk away from true love because they think it should look like a Hollywood movie.”He/she didn’t make me happy.” “I didn’t have the feeling he/she was “the one.” Our society says that one day we will wake up with a rainbow over our bed leading us to whoever is “the one.” On the other hand, many times people marry for the wrong reasons. “I know he/she is the one.” “I can’t live without him/her.” These are all amazing feelings to have. But, they are just that … feelings.

Here are some straightforward tips on distinguishing if your idea of love is a Hollywood one, or a Godly one:

Feelings are not reality. The minute the feelings go away, it’s easy to doubt. “Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.” “A relationship should make me happy.” Even Pope Francis said, “You can’t base a marriage on feelings that come and go. But rather on the rock of true love, the love that comes from God.” We should base our decision to marry on solid reasoning—such as whether or not that person challenges us to be a holier person.

Are you in love with yourself? If every action we take is based on our every whim and desire, and if we expect someone to fall in love with our selfishness, we must think again. True love doesn’t mean getting whatever we want. We can’t act how we did when we were single and expect our significant other to fit in the cracks.

What is true love then? True love means self-sacrifice. St. John Paul II said, “Love between man and woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial.” Matthew Kelly added, “Love is a willingness to lay down our own personal plans, desires, and agenda for the good of the relationship. Love is delayed gratification, pleasure, and pain. Love is being able to live and thrive apart, but choosing to be together.”

Every relationship has some disorder. The Catechism says, “[Evil] makes itself felt in the relationships between man and woman… the disorder we notice so painfully does not stem from the nature of man and woman, nor from the nature of their relations, but from sin.” Of course, we must discern the degree of disorder. But, disorder happens even in healthy relationships.

Sin may be the problem, not the relationship. We are quick to think that if a relationship has problems it means the relationship itself is a problem. Sometimes a relationship may not be worth continuing. But, in a Godly and healthy relationship, some “problems” are normal because sin is in every relationship. Every relationship has ups and downs.

Surprisingly, true love includes suffering.  Matthew Kelly asks, “Are you willing to suffer for love? How much are you willing to suffer in order to have a truly amazing relationship? Are you prepared to let go of all your whims, cravings, and fancies, in order to pursue something more…?” Relationships aren’t about being perfect and happy all the time, but being forgiving. Pope Francis said that “Nobody is perfect. The key to happiness is forgiveness.”

“Marriage is work…. and a lifelong commitment,” Pope Francis says. “In a way it’s like being a goldsmith, because a husband makes his wife more of a woman, and she in turn should make her husband a better man.” A common complaint is that the other person is trying to “change” them. Yet, change is good if it makes us holier. For example, asking a significant other to drink less alcohol at a social gathering may be viewed as forcing unwanted change. But, this change is good as it makes us holier.

Why get married if it includes suffering and work?  Marriage helps us become a better person.  “After the fall, marriage helps to overcome self-absorption, egoism, pursuit of one’s own pleasure, and to open oneself to the other, to mutual aid and to self-giving,” the Catechism says.

“Dear young people, don’t be afraid to marry. A faithful and fruitful marriage will bring you happiness.”  Pope Francis says. Ultimately, marriage to someone who is your best friend and shares your love for God will bring happiness, even amidst the suffering and work.

Let’s give ourselves a reality check on love.  Is our viewpoint on true love a Hollywood one, or a Godly one?

______________________

Emily Brandenburg is a Catholic Youth and Young Adult leader in the Diocese of Orange, California.  She hosts a large Bible study and Praise, Worship, and Adoration evenings.  In addition, she is concertmaster of St. Martin’s Orchestra, holds a J.D. from Pepperdine School of Law, and is a full-time attorney.  She enjoys spending time outdoors, fellowshipping with family and friends, making new friends, and always having a good laugh.  You can connect with her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Emily-Brandenburg/1565280567042667 and Instagram at @emily_brande.

If you’ve ever heard of the Beatles, then you’ve probably heard of Paul McCartney. If you’ve ever heard of Paul McCartney, then you’ve probably heard that he just got his big break from some artist named Kanye West. Last week, there were several funny tweets that were posted by young fans who saw Kanye and Paul perform together, but they didn’t know who Paul McCartney was. They declared on their twitter that Kanye had just given some guy named Paul his big break.

The problem is that this description of events is backwards. If the Beatles had not broken the music barrier in North America, would it have ever evolved as it did? Probably not.

However, this “trending news story” throws into the spotlight the ever-important matter called “objective truth.” If absolute truth did not exist, then indeed we could say Kanye gave McCartney his big break. However, absolute truth does exist… and it forces us to order things appropriately, reflecting absolute truth.

Enough about music, let’s talk about how this applies to us:

If you are like me, you were raised in a world that promoted “notches in the bedpost” to be a means by which to measure the happiness in life.

But does it work?

A hookup involves two components: temporary union followed by permanent separation. It’s that simple. Even “Friends With Benefits” is simply a prolonged version of this same reality. In fact, a recent study showed that only 9.8% of those involved in a “Friends With Benefits” arrangement eventually entered an actual dating relationship with the other person. Furthermore, although 83% of college women prefer a traditional romantic relationship to a hookup, they were twice as likely to hook up with a guy as to go on a first date. However, only 20% reported being satisfied after a hookup.

With such a low success rate to get the happiness we are looking for, why do we do it, and pretend it fulfills us?

The reason is that our culture is addicted to the worship of the body. We try to validate ourselves by means of physical gratification, and we often don’t know another way.

But there is another way. Many of us are today choosing to live this other way.

Instead of saying Kanye helped McCartney (or saying that lust will bring us happiness), we can instead be honest with ourselves if we put things into an order that reflects truth: McCartney helped Kanye (chastity brings happiness). This is logic. Heck, just think about it: are you happy when you let yourself get used as means to fulfill someone else’s conquest? Meanwhile, it is the virtue of chastity that frees us to love.

If you doubt what I’m saying, just ask anyone who is immersed in the hook-up culture who is trying to get out. Someone is always hurting in the hook-up world (and sometimes the pain gets drowned in more hook-ups). Those are the casualties of war, so to speak. Don’t we deserve better than that from our culture?

Starting over

If you would like to get out of the hook-up culture, you can (it’s never too late). Surround yourself with people who value purity and are living examples that purity can make sexuality holy, regardless of the past. A heart of purity can make you whole again, and give you that sense of self-worth that we are all seeking.

If the hook-up culture hasn’t given you a happy heart, perhaps it is time to open your heart to purity.

_____________________

Hudson Byblow is a teacher and Catholic speaker who lives in Saskatchewan. His passion is helping others find their way to a deeper relationship with Christ. He likes old cars, traveling, and long walks on the beach (and anything else to do with sunshine). He can be reached at hudsonab80@hotmail.com.‎

Kanye West image via Flickr, CC 2.0.

 

During my freshman year at Arizona State, I was riding my bright yellow bicycle to an economics exam when my bike chain broke. It split into two pieces.

Annoyed at my misfortune, I walked my bike the rest of the way to the exam (I have moments where I’m still thrilled over the fact that I will never have to study economics ever again), and after it was over I walked it to the campus bike shop. They told me to come back in an hour or so and I would have a brand new chain and fully-functioning bicycle. So I went to get lunch, and then I walked back. The bike repair guy said, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we didn’t have any more gray bike chains. The good news is that we had a bright fuchsia one, so we put that one on your bike.” I was ecstatic. “Oh, and it also has sparkles. I hope that’s OK, too. And since it’s not what you asked for, we gave you a 50% discount.”

God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

This one fantastic moment in the bike shop was a simple and concrete representation of so many things our good God has done in my life.

We often ask God for things or tell God what we need, and God always responds in some way, shape, or form. Indeed, His response is often a surprise, not always what we expect, and does not often come on our own timeline. He may give us something we did not think we need or something that is a little different. I am sure you can recall some of those moments in your own life.

Presently, I can see this scenario in the love story God is writing in my life. God has certainly given me a wild love story for the books. It will take me a very long time to write out the whole story one day, so I will share just a part of it with you.

I wondered for a long time in my teens and early twenties about what authentic love would be like. I went on dates with plenty of jerks, and over time this ultimately led me to hope . . . maybe I’ll find a nice guy one day. “Nice” was the bar I wanted to reach. My expectations were mediocre, in the same way that I hoped for a gray bike chain that one day in the bike shop. I thought a gray one was all I needed. I thought a nice guy was all I needed, too.

God certainly gave me more than “nice” and the surprise was that the man He wrote into my life lived in Europe. His name is Daniël and not only is he nice . . . he is convicted, strong, compassionate, selfless, and holy. In every women’s talk I give, I tell the women about a letter Daniël wrote to me. After spending some time together and before we began dating, he wrote me a letter that ended with this…

“I have desires to honor, protect, and serve you, but most importantly lead you closer to Christ in every possible way.”

Yes, I hoped for a guy who was decent and good. God has given me more than that…much, much more. God gave me a man who has shown me Christ day in and day out. I did not know what authentic love would look like in my own life, and Daniël has shown it to me in every way. Dating someone who lives 6,000 miles away takes a very serious, strong, and deep commitment. Daniël has stopped at nothing to commit to loving me, to sacrificing for me, to leading me to a stronger prayer life, and to helping me love myself for who I am. When the going has gotten rough, he has carried me forward. He prays for me and with me. He respects my body as my own and we choose chastity together and he makes me know well that I am honored and loved. And when it recently came time to really dig in and sacrifice, he did not flinch. He moved his life halfway around the planet to show me what true love really is…true love is great sacrifice. He has sacrificed the life he knows—the people he knows and the lifestyle he knows and the home he knows—to show me his love. And I am overwhelmed and grateful because I have received so much more than I ever thought I needed. I glimpse the love of the God of the universe in the way I am loved by this man.

I know well and deeply that when God provides in His ways and in His timing it is always better that we imagined. And it is always more beautiful than we thought it would be.

Women, don’t settle for less than amazing when it comes to the man you allow into your heart. If it be His will for your life, God will provide you with the most astounding love—if you settle for mediocre you will miss out on God’s plan, a plan of abundance and much more joy than you ever thought possible.

Ask the married couple at the wedding feast in Cana: They needed only a bit more wine, but God provided the astonishing abundance of 180 gallons.

We hope and we ask for gray, and God gives us fuchsia. And not only does God give us fuchsia, we get sparkles and half-off, too.

—–

ENGAGED? Check out Emily’s video course for brides-to-be!

___________________________

Emily Wilson planned her whole life to become a sports reporter but ended up as a Catholic musician and speaker at the hand of God. She lives out of her suitcase and travels across the world speaking and singing with people of all ages. The heart of her ministry is offering encouragement to teen girls in their search for their true identity. “The world doesn’t need what women have, it needs what women are.” -St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross. You can visit her website and listen to her music at www.emwilsonmusic.com.

In his quiet apartment, I stirred a pot of mac ‘n’ cheese while I watched him watch TV. He sighed. So did I, and for the same reason that he did: As of a few minutes earlier, I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore.

His was a sigh of resignation. Mine was a sigh of relief.

When we first met, I was 23. He was 27. I wanted a chaste relationship. He didn’t. We dated anyway. He was “willing” to save sex for marriage: he saw no merit in it, outside of getting to date me, but agreed, under protest, to abstain.

The first time he asked me to do what I couldn’t, he said please. I said no. I always said no. He was frustrated by my objection to helping him satisfy the urges he didn’t want to govern. Eventually, he was mean.

“Your boundaries are killing me,” he said.

“You’re not a 13-year-old.”

“No man will wait that long.”

His “willingness” to save sex—which, as implied by the quotes around the word, wasn’t actually willingness—had waned. He wanted me to break my promise to practice chastity. Instead, I broke up with him.

I picked the pot of mac ‘n’ cheese up off the burner, and was sure I’d never date a guy again who was only “willing” to save sex. Last year, I wrote about it.*

The post, called “Why I don’t date men who are ‘willing’ to save sex for marriage,” is the most-read thing I have ever written. It struck chords. It also struck nerves:

“By automatically avoiding these men, you rule out the possibility that Jesus might be presenting you with an opportunity to aide in someone’s conversion…”

“I would not automatically disqualify someone if they were (“willing” to wait). Not every guy received good formation, often through no fault of his own”

“(His) willingness is a step in the right direction and is worthy of great respect!”

My decision not to date men anymore who are “willing” to save sex didn’t always sit well with others. After all, an unchaste man’s decision to abstain from sex is indicative of his potential to change. Indeed, my decision to date a man who doesn’t believe what I do—about Jesus, about sex, or about anything at all—could be a catalyst for his conversion.

And I want a catalyst to exist. I want him to know we were designed by Love, for love; we are created able to become like God’s son, Jesus Christ, who—out of love—died and rose that we might live.

If an unchaste man knew what I know, he would want to practice chastity.

He could learn if I date him. But I still won’t. Here’s why:

Because chaste people don’t owe unchaste people a chance.

Neither my attraction to an unchaste man nor an unchaste man’s potential to change obligates me to date him, because nothing obligates any person to date another. It is your right to have a stable set of standards, and it is your right to rule out the people who don’t meet them.

Because people who practice chastity do exist. 

Is a chaste person hesitant to rule out an unchaste person because he or she can be the catalyst for his or her conversion, or because he or she is afraid that people who are already chaste don’t exist? But people who practice chastity today—regardless of their pasts—do exist. I don’t meet them while I’m dating a man who doesn’t.

Because a romantic relationship with a chaste person isn’t an unchaste person’s only path to chastity. 

Any unchaste man I meet does need Jesus. He does need virtue. But I do not need to be his girlfriend to introduce them to him. A chaste person’s decision not to date an unchaste person doesn’t deprive an unchaste person of what he or she actually needs: an introduction to chastity, and an encounter with the Holy Spirit. If we treat unchaste people like they can’t become chaste unless or until a chaste person dates them, we underestimate them, and we underestimate God.

*Click here to read “Why I don’t date men who are ‘willing’ to save sex for marriage.”

_______________________________

Arleen Spenceley is author of the book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin. She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times, and has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com. You can connect with her on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

 

One of my favorite things to do when I have spare time is to catch a movie. There was no shortage of blockbuster movies this holiday season—and the one that I was most looking forward to was the final part of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit. There’s a scene in the movie where the elf Tauriel holds Kili the dwarf and they profess their love for one another. I chuckled a bit during this scene because I knew some of my friends, who were Tolkien purists, would absolutely hate it. Tauriel is not a character in J.R.R. Tolkien’s book—she was made up by Director Peter Jackson for the purposes of adding a female character and a love story subplot into the movie. Some fans of the Hobbit didn’t want to see such huge creative liberties taken on such an amazing story. As for me, I understand why Peter Jackson added the character—every Hollywood movie needs a love story.

Think about it: when was the last time that you went to a movie and there wasn’t some sort of relationship subplot and love story worked into the movie? It’s the one common theme that you will find in almost any movie—regardless of the genre. Hollywood understands that the viewing public will get bored if there isn’t a love story—so you can find one in almost any movie. Why do we get bored? Because love—the kind of love that is selfless, giving, intimate and fulfilling—is what God made us for. Love is the deepest desire of every person and many people will spend the better part of their early life looking for “the one” who will fulfill this deep desire for love and happiness.

Unfortunately, finding “the one” isn’t as easy as Hollywood makes it seem. Our desires for love and romance can lead us astray—sometimes into relationships and situations where we wish the person that we are dating would be “the one,” but in fact, the relationship ends in heartbreak and confusion. Relationships are messy, and making a lifelong commitment to another person for better or worse is a pretty big deal. So how do you know when you have found “the One?” Here are a few things to consider:

They challenge and inspire you to become the person you were created to be.

A relationship that is worth a lifelong commitment is a relationship that brings out the absolute best in both of you. Marriage is a vocation. A vocation is the process of discovering who God has created you to be. Therefore, if you are with the person that God has intended for your life, that person will motivate, inspire, and challenge you every day to become the best person you can be.

They won’t give your their body without giving you themselves.

Sex is intended by God to be a physical expression of love that communicates the promises of a lifelong commitment. That’s a fancy way of saying that sex renews your wedding vows. A man or woman who wishes to engage in intercourse (or sexual expressions intended to lead up to intercourse) before they make a lifelong commitment in marriage is not worth your time. Expect them to give you everything and not just their body.

God gives his blessing to your relationship.

God has made you and your future spouse for each other. You cannot know if the person you are with is God’s plan for your life unless you pray (and pray together). The closer you get to Christ’s heart, the more self-aware you become of your own heart. Also, always remember St. Ignatius Loyola’s advice, “Never make serious decisions when in a state of spiritual desolation.” This means that God, not simply your emotions, should guide the major decisions in your life. Trust in God, grow closer to His heart every day, and he will reveal His plan for you.

___________________________

Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development and Promotion Lead for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute where he also holds an MA in Theology. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @everettfritz and http://everettfritz.com/

Step 1: Stop aiming to change your actions.

Instead of simply trying to change your actions, aim to change your heart. If you open your heart to God’s grace, your heart will be changed, and your actions will follow suit.

Step 2: There is no step 2. Step 1 is all you need to do… over and over and over again.

When we aim to modify our hearts, we can shift our focus from saying “NO” to “stuff” to saying “YES” to God.

A few years ago, I thought that I could set a magical date and on that date I would “give up” all of that gratifying activity, and “poof,” suddenly become a better person. Of course when that date came, I would just set another significant date down the road… just so I could do it “one more time,” a few times over and over again—to make sure I was “ready.”

But I was forgetting one major thing and that was this: We become who we practice to be; we become a further entrenched version of who we are today. It’s that simple.

In making resolutions year after year, I was lying to myself. I was absolving myself from my responsibility to say YES (to self-control). Instead I was saying NO, and having a pity party about all of the activities that I would no longer let myself do (even though my heart still desired them). I did not have a plan or support in place to help me see beyond the NO. Thus, every moment in the NO was like torture.

It wasn’t until I experienced the joy of Christ (through people like you), that I began to open my heart to saying YES to God’s Will. It helped me see the world through the lens of YES to self-control, and as I write this, with grease from last night’s warmed-up leftover pizza still glistening on my fingers (when I last caved), I am reminded that this YES to self-control applies to all areas of our lives, not just sexuality.

See, if I can’t say YES to self-control while driving by a pizza place at 3:37am, then how on earth might I say YES to self-control to something (or someone) much more enticing? That thought has ruminated in my head for the last five years or so. It reminds me that I really wanted to experience the joy of self-control, instead of the hopelessness that followed from being controlled by my desires.

And here I am today, making the resolution to open my heart to Christ fully—and to no longer pretend that putting a Band-Aid on a bursting dam will solve the leak. Today I rebuild the dam, one YES at a time.

These are my “little victories,” and by the grace of God, they have helped me become who I am today.

As for resolutions? Just one.

______________________________

Hudson Byblow is a teacher and Catholic speaker who lives in Saskatchewan. His passion is helping others find their way to a deeper relationship with Christ. He likes old cars, traveling, and long walks on the beach (and anything else to do with sunshine). He can be reached at hudsonab80@hotmail.com.

 

Being modest is hard. Speaking as a nineteen-year-old Catholic woman who loves fashion, I will tell you first hand that modesty is not easy. You know why? Because skin is in. The media is saturated in images of girls in crop tops and barely there pants. Less and less is being left to the imagination and my generation is being coerced into accepting this sick image of what womanhood and beauty are. Even the term modesty is becoming sexualized. I have heard the phrase “modest is hottest” more times than I can count. It is supposed to be an encouragement to girls to dress modestly because it is “hotter”. Is this the message that we really want to portray? Should women dress modestly because it will make them “hot”? Well I say no way, Jose. Being hot is not a compliment. Food can be hot, Arizona in the summertime can be hot, a heater can be hot… there are many other things that we can rightly call “hot” but I do not believe that people should be one of them. We deserve more than that. The fullness of human beauty is not at all touched by this objectifying phrase. Modesty is more than a fashion statement; It’s a life statement. I think that modesty, now more than ever, is a conscious choice to be who we were created to be. It is the choice to present ourselves as daughters of the king rather than objects. In his first letter to the Corinthians Paul says “You must know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is within-the spirit you have received from God. You are not your own. You have been purchased at a price. So glorify God in your body.”-1Corinthians 6:19-20 The price that we have been purchased at is the death of Christ. Through His death we have been charged with His glory. We are to glorify Him not only in our hearts and souls but also in our bodies. How do we do this? We do it by taking proper care of our bodies and realizing that they are the place where God’s own spirit dwells. We dress modestly not because we are ashamed of our bodies. We dress modestly because we know the great beauty that we carry within us… We dress modestly because we know that we are worth so much more than the shallow attention we will get for doing otherwise. You are so beautiful and so worth every bit of real love that this world has to give. Don’t settle for a lesser love. Don’t settle for the weak, lustful reactions that come with dressing immodestly. You are a temple of Our Lord.  I encourage you to dress modestly because you deserve it. You deserve to be recognized for the depth of your soul not the depth of your neckline. Modesty does not inhibit beauty, it allows it to shine even more brightly. I’ll be praying for you as you embrace this opportunity to become the daughters of the King that you were made to be. God loves you so much and so do I. 1 Corinthians 13 ___________________________

Rebekah Hardy lives in New Jersey and is a sophomore at Mount St. Mary’s University in Emmitsburg, Maryland where she majors in Theology and minors in English. She enjoys playing sports, praying the Rosary, and drinking iced coffee. Her blog can be found atcatholiclifesite.wordpress.com and her twitter handle is @bekahhardy7.

Just kidding.

Now… Let’s do some real talk. If you’re single, raise your hand. Now take a deep breath. Everything is going to be okay, you’re not gonna die… Unless you text and drive.

I know the holidays are here, and everyone plus their little sibling seems to have a significant other, who they’re posting pictures with on Instagram. But you? Why have you been celebrating Singles Awareness Day since Valentine’s Day of… 2000 something? It’s because you’re terribly un-loveable and have nothing beneficial to share with anyone, especially your frumpy fashion sense, right…?

NO! Stop being so emo and start believing in yourself! I know it’s not fun to be single when you don’t want to be. There was a period in my life, beginning in college, when (aside from several awkward dates and that one time I was trying to discern a vocation to priesthood), I was single. This period was a DECADE long. 10 Years. 120 Months. 43,800 Days. During this time I could have crumpled up into fetal position and cried myself to sleep while feeding myself Bon Bon’s, ALL BYYY MYYSELLF (insert Celine Dion’s voice here). But I didn’t, because that’s dumb. Not so much the Bon Bon’s part, but the other part.

The purpose of this entry isn’t to give you 10 ways to ask someone out, but rather:

Make the Most Out of Being Single.

It’s a really important time in your life. It’s so crucial that it will significantly impact your future “everything.” 100 percent of the time, your future will be influenced in some way by your past. Haven’t you seen The Notebook? I haven’t. Anyways, use today well.

I don’t presume to know God’s will for your life and destiny; but I do know He doesn’t want you to wallow in self-pity. Rather than seeing your situation in the glass-half-empty-forever position, see it as a golden opportunity to grow as a person: In mind, body, and soul. The more you work on “you” now, the better off your future marriage and ultimately your vocation will be, because of it. So the challenge I present to you today is simple:

Make one tangible goal for yourself this week in each category of:

1. Mind

2. Body

3. Soul.

Then do it. Because if all we do is read articles on how to improve our life, but don’t carry out any of the advice, it’s like wasting time on the internet… Oh wait. Ha. Here, I’m going to help you out with some ideas to get started:

1. Mind:

– Read a book that will benefit you

– Try The Five Love Languages by Chapman

– Grow in self-awareness

– Meet a counselor to deal with unresolved issues

– Get out of debt / control of your finances (DaveRamsey.com)

– Learn a new skill / trade

– Learn an instrument (learn for free on YouTube)

– Don’t feed negative thoughts

– Turn off Netflix and do something on this list

 2. Body:

– Exercise

– Get to the Gym

– Eat healthier, while enjoying junk on occasion

– Join an intramural league

– Learn a martial art

– Kick a bank robber in the face

– Go volunteer

– Do a random act of kindness for someone in need

 3. Soul:

– Read the Gospels, 5 minutes a day

– Read the book of Tobit in the Old Testament: It’s about God answering the prayers of single people

– Join a youth / young adult group

– Make a Good Confession and let God forgive you, of everything

– Forgive the people who have hurt you

– Pray the Rosary

– Go to Mass every Sunday; shock the old ladies by going on a weekday (Masstimes.org)

– Make good friends & get rid of bad ones

– Work on your relationship with Jesus. Daily.

If you’re reading this, I’m praying for you. Young adulthood is not always easy. But it’s all worth it, and God is faithful.

“I know well the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

_______________________________

Paul J. Kim is an International youth speaker, vocalist, and beatboxer. He presents and performs full time, sharing his love for Christ via music, comedy, and inspirational talks. He has released two music albums entitled “The World Sings” (2013) and “Run Fly Fall” (2009), and is a featured speaker at NCYC, the Steubenville Summer Youth Conferences, and the Spirit in the City Festival in London, UK. His background includes a Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy (Hope International Univ.), a Bachelors in Philosophy (Franciscan University of Steubenville), and over a decade of experience working in youth ministry. Paul resides in Southern California with his wife, Maggie, and newborn daughter, Audrey. Visit Paul’s website at www.PJKmusic.com.

I reflect on my past year during Christmas, and with Advent wrapping up now there’s no better time to do this. I don’t wait around for New Year’s to make resolutions, because us Catholics get a month head start on everyone else (Advent, people). I’m using the term “resolution” loosely, because as much as I loathe the term, I’ve realized its actually beneficial to reflect on what my goals will be this upcoming year, which gives us a chance to set up short term and long term goals to meet.

New year “resolutions,” or long-term goals, as I call them, need to be realistic. And the term “realistic” does not mean that you set the bar low. What I mean is that if you are going to try to lose 30 lbs. this year, you need to set a short-term goal, such as running every other day for a week. By setting up short-term goals, we not only see our progress, but it emboldens us to keep going, despite any missteps that we might have during the year.  In order to win the long game, we need to first conquer the short game.

Keeping our goals grounded is critical in how we carry ourselves, because if they are not reasonable, they will only disappoint us.  It is all too often that New Year resolutions bring about frustration for those who make them, and scoffing from those who don’t. I have often created high goals and I often fail to meet my goal.  Then when it’s time to try again, I don’t. I’ve done this in the past with my goals of writing a little every day, or even running every other day.  As soon as I miss a day, or a couple days, I throw in the towel and give up.  This isn’t healthy, and I soon realized that is not how I should be conducting my endeavors.

Our faith lives can conform to short/long term goals as well.  There will be times of spiritual fruitfulness, then dry spells in prayer. During those dry seasons, I struggle to keep my relationship with God up, and even maintain a moderate prayer schedule. It’s all about maintaining a habit that keeps us on track, yet it can push us out of our comfort zone.  It is up to our willpower to stay in the habit, despite this and to keep going.

Purity works in this way too, specifically the problem of porn. Setting small goals with porn can be extremely helpful. It is often harder, if not almost impossible to drop viewing porn, unless we have help. Dropping something such as viewing porn “cold turkey” is admirable but uncommon. Although things like porn addiction require more than simply “short term goals,” it’s a start in fighting back against that destructive habit.

Realistic goals help us with communicating with others, because by knowing ourselves and our limitations, it reflects how we view others too.  How we conduct our actions and habits impact how we can accept another person’s actions and/or failings.  Their faults or gifts become more acceptable or praiseworthy if we have this realistic mindset.  We can have a more authentic view of the world by simply having a more grounded idea of our goals.

Having just completed the season of Advent, we should take the time for renewal, which I believe we take for granted. Sure, there are plenty of festivities to participate in, a lot of holiday related traditions; the season can be rather noisy. There is also a call from our faith to dwell in the quiet that underlies this season.  I take this cue from the first Christmas, where the Holy family shared a moment that was the most peaceful in all of human history. Our culture has done a fair job with making the Christmas season one of the most materialistic and commercially overloaded times of the year. Instead of going along with the crowds it should be a challenge to us to return to the basics and revel in our families.  After all, Advent means “waiting.” so too should we wait on ourselves as we slowly meet our goals.

_______________________________________

Alexander Pyles is a graduate philosophy student at Franciscan University of Steubenville, having already completed his Bachelors in Philosophy and Writing.  He is hoping to break into the world of novel writing, and is currently applying to enter into a Master in Fine Arts program.  Originally from Virginia Beach, VA, he misses the sun, sand, and ocean. You can keep up with his (many) thoughts on his personal blog, Writing is Speaking (http://aspauthor.wordpress.com/)

I often go for a run after I get home from work. When I first started doing this, it was a pain. I hated it. I would walk in the door every afternoon, look around my living room, and often choose to be lazy and not go.

Once in a while I’d really be motivated to go, and so I’d come in the door and grab my gear and get outside. I’d feel like a million bucks when I got back and was really proud of myself. Even though it hadn’t been easy, I had persevered. I had gotten out of my slump and got some exercise. It was awesome.

Other times I would be not-so-motivated. I’d walk in and begrudgingly schlep over to the table, look at my housemate and say in a whiney voice “I dooooooon’t wannnnt to go for a runnnn! Eheh” (“eheh” is a sort of wimpy cry sound, if you can imagine that) accompanied by a frowny-pouty-puppy-eyes-face.

Her response was always this: “But if you go, you won’t regret it!” Big smile.

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

Me: Narrowing of puppy eyes. Brow furrowing. Contemplation.

Big Sigh. “Dang it! You’re right. Uuuuggggghhhhh.”

And I’d get my shoes on and go outside.

And she was right. I never regretted it. I was always happy when I went for that run. I was always happy that I had made the difficult choice to get outside and do something good for myself.

Now imagine if she wasn’t there. How easily I would have likely fallen into this trap of not exercising. No one would have ever been there to tell me it was worth going, and that I wouldn’t regret it. Exercising isn’t always easy. It also isn’t always fun. Some of us really struggle with it. But it’s always worth it.

And today, I’m going to be the person to tell you the same thing applies to chastity. It’s always worth it.

Practicing chastity involves exercising in a different way. It involves exercising the will, the mind, and the heart. Practicing chastity isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s a pain. There are days when it doesn’t seem worth it. There are days when we want to give up on chastity. There are days when it just seems like too much work.

But I’m here to tell you, if you practice it, you won’t regret it.

“Chastity is a difficult, long term matter; one must wait patiently for it to bear fruit, for the happiness of loving kindness which it must bring. But at the same time, chastity is the sure way to happiness.” – Pope John Paul II

Think about it this way: “Working out is a difficult, long term matter; one must wait patiently for it to bear fruit, for the fitness which it will bring. But at the same time, exercise is the sure way to heath.”

And much like exercise, chastity does get a little easier over time. It’s never a piece of cake, but when is a real workout ever easy? If we are so quick to work on our physical health and well-being, why are we so lazy when it comes to our spiritual and sexual well-being?

You know what else makes working out easier? A buddy. Having someone who is willing to help hold you accountable to working out is much better for motivation. Just like my housemate was always there cheering me on. Having a friend you can confide your struggles in, and who can encourage you on your walk in chastity, is really helpful.

All your hard work will pay off in the end. You’ll be happier, holier, and healthier, in mind and heart, if you practice chastity. Our friend JPII (a saint, guys!) even tells us this: “the sure way to happiness.”

If you choose it, in the end, you won’t regret it! Take it one day at a time. I’ll be praying for you.

_______________________________________

Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

While driving home from Thanksgiving grocery shopping, I decided to skim through radio stations, to find some music to fit my cheerful mood. A catchy song started playing, and I heard the following words: “Hunt you down eat you alive/Just like animals/animals.” I switched the station—only to hear the same song playing on that station. Switching off the radio, my mind started to spin. Can women only hope for this—being preyed on by some animal? Is the music world trying to tell me that this is what a relationship should be?

I’m sure very few—if any—women out there would choose being “prey” over being “loved.” Yet this is happening over and over in our world. The culture is trying to turn us into animals. Let’s just look at the basics. Generally speaking, if an animal is in heat, what happens? It has sex. No further reasoning, the animal does what it is predisposed to do. According to society, if two people desire sexual fulfillment—they don’t even necessarily need to love each other—what happens? They use contraception and have sex. The whole culture of “swinging,” one-night stands, and overly physical dating relationships can all point back to this “animal” mentality. Instinctive and self-centered, these kinds of encounters will never lead to true fulfillment—because as human persons, we are made for more.

I want to be fulfilled. I want to be set apart from the animals at the zoo. I want to be loved for who I am, and not be seen as some object to be devoured by an “animal.” I want to experience the “more” that I am made for. After all, as a human person, I don’t have to be like the animals. I can reason and will to do (or not do) things in a way that animals cannot (no matter how smart they are). I can choose to give myself sacrificially to my husband. I can choose to not be ruled by my instincts or emotions. I can choose to be chaste.

Chastity isn’t a mold that will destroy who you are. Rather, chastity will help you become who you were made to be. It will help you see that you are a unique individual, worthy of another’s self-gift. Chastity sets you apart from the animals; by having mastery over yourself, and saving yourself for your spouse in marriage, you reach a higher level of love than any animal could experience. Yes, chastity requires sacrifice, and this isn’t easy. When you have strong passions and desires for union with another person, it can be difficult to abstain from sex or impure behaviors. But chastity doesn’t hinder your passions and ability to love; rather, it frees your love. As Karol Wojyta wrote in Love and Responsibility, “Chastity can only be thought of in association with the virtue of love. Its function is to free love from the utilitarian attitude.”

Chastity helps you to become more of a person; plus, it enables you to see other people for their true value and worth as persons, and not as objects for sexual “fulfillment” or enjoyment. St. John Paul II states that sexual union “carries within itself a particular awareness of the meaning of the body in the reciprocal self-gift of the persons.” In his he continued to state that “Man can become a gift—that is, man and woman can exist in the relationship of the reciprocal gift of self—if each of them masters himself.

Even if everyone around you seems to fit the “animal” image, that doesn’t mean you should degrade yourself and stoop to that level. Regain who you are made to be, and rise up above the animalism that society pushes on you. Discover what it means to give of yourself in true, sacrificial love. Recognize your intrinsic value that demands love—and not lust—from another person. Maroon 5 may tell us we’re “just like animals,” but we know we’re better than that. Let’s start practicing chastity to regain true relationships of love and a better sense of our humanity.

____________________________________

AnneMarie Miller studies Theology and English at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She has a passion for the Catholic Faith, chastity, St. Francis of Assisi, and frolicking around barefoot. In August 2013, she was blessed to marry her incredible husband, and the two of them enjoy the epic adventures of married college life. When she’s not doing homework, housework, cooking, or playing chess, AnneMarie reflects on life’s beauty and random observations on her blog, Sacrifice of Love (http://marianninja.blogspot.com).

Recently I read an article entitled “I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And Wish I Didn’t,” written by a young woman called Samantha who was led to believe that sex—in all contexts—is “dirty and wrong and sinful,” and who ultimately lost her faith as she struggled to rebuke that lie. As I read it, I wanted to cry, then hug her, then hug all of the other young women who identify with the article or have been influenced by it.

Samantha talks about the purity pledge she made aged 10, which for years formed such an integral part of her identity as a woman and a Christian that even in marriage she couldn’t break free from the taboo it placed on sex.

I never made a pledge as a teenager. At my traditional, Catholic school we rarely talked about sex, and when we did there was no effort made to defend or even explain the Church’s teaching. I knew I was “supposed” to wait until marriage, but was never told why. Because I never heard about the true beauty of God’s original plan for sex, the conviction that I should wait never made it from my head to my heart, and so was easily destroyed by the message that sex was fine as long as I was “in love.”

Samantha’s story broke my heart because, whilst I was won over by the world’s lies with nothing to challenge them, she was fed even more dangerous lies in response. For her sake, and for the sake of every other person who has been fed the same lies, I want to challenge some of those revealed in her article…

“If I remained pure, my marriage would be blessed by God and if I didn’t it would fall apart and end in tragic divorce.”

The success of a marriage doesn’t depend on the past. It depends on the choice made every day to renew your commitment to your spouse. If my past determined my future, then I’d give up on marriage now to avoid heartache. But I believe that my future husband will love me for the person I am rather than the things I’ve done or will do. True love is a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church, which means it’s unconditional and selfless.

“Once I got married, it would be my duty to fulfil my husband’s sexual needs.”

Chastity is not, as Samantha feared, a concept “used to control female sexuality.” It’s a way of life which both men and women, married and unmarried, are called to. If sex is a tainted word before marriage, that won’t change on the wedding night. In a relationship that’s built on mutual respect and honor, both the man and the woman can see each other with the dignity they’re entitled to as human beings, rather than as tools for self-satisfaction.

“I couldn’t figure out how to be both religious and sexual at the same time.”

Sex isn’t a game invented by people on a whim centuries ago. It was designed by God at Creation. The Church isn’t saying “NO” to sex, it’s proclaiming a resounding “YES!” In its intended context, to be sexual is to be religious, because it’s the embodiment of God’s original plan for the self-giving love between a man and a woman.

“It’s your body; it belongs to you, not your church.”

My body belongs to neither me nor my Church. It was created by God, in the image of God, for the purpose of glorifying God. It’s a “temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor. 6:19), and I’m its steward. If you possessed a jewel of infinite value, would you not go to great lengths to protect and honor it? Your body is more valuable than any jewel. It’s precious and beautiful, not an object whose ownership can be fought for.

Samantha ends by saying if she could go back she would “have sex with (her) then-boyfriend-now-husband,” implying she sees that as the solution to the problems raised since. From experience, I know that that mindset doesn’t end as blissfully as it sounds, but instead can lead to heartache and regret—particularly if the then-boyfriend doesn’t turn out to be the now-husband. My own choice to pursue purity was made a decade later in life than Samantha’s, after living the life she says she wishes she had lived and realising the flaws in it. It wasn’t a submission to the pressure to be a “perfect-Christian-girl”—as Samantha felt—but rather a humble response to the realisation of the mistakes I’d made, and the overwhelming steadfastness of God’s love and forgiveness through it all.

So, to Samantha and all the other girls I cried for and wanted to hug, I want to apologise for the lies that you’ve been told, the guilt you’ve been made to feel over “sins” that haven’t even been committed, and the ways God’s great plan for your sexuality has been hidden from you. I want you to know that the decision to remain chaste is not an enforced one, nor does it stem from guilt and shame. It’s a reflection of your dignity as a human being and your respect for the person God created you to be.

Whether you waited for marriage, are waiting, or haven’t waited, there is both strength and redemption in Christ.

______________________________

Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

What does it mean to be a woman?

This is a question that has plagued my mind since I was a child. I remember being told all the things that make you a woman—from changes in your body to changes in the types of clothing you wear to changes in your manners.

Being a woman was always considered to be a big deal.

As I’ve grown older, however, I’ve come to learn that there is far more to being a woman than just changes in your body, clothing, and manners. There is an essence of femininity that is unique and specific to all women. That essence is what John Paul II would call the “feminine genius.”

This is an elusive term. It is often accompanied by confusion and misunderstanding. What is this “feminine genius” he speaks of? It is a mystery!

And rightly so! For mysteries are beautiful and lovely, and because they are mysteries they cannot ever be fully known, which is so brilliant of God. He makes us mysterious because it keeps drawing us back—we can never solve the puzzle, but we so long to, so we keep coming back to it. Femininity as a mystery completely makes sense.

But just because the “feminine genius” is a mystery doesn’t mean we can’t come to know and understand something about it. The feminine genius is simply living out the beauty and dignity of being who we are as women—as children of God—but doing it in a specifically unique and distinct way. Are you ready to know what that way is? Brace yourself. You might not like it at first.

Maternity.

Oh yes, I just pulled out the Big M.

Before we all start jumping to conclusions that I am saying we are all made to be baby makers, let’s just take a second and look at what maternity is, and why it’s so special to woman.

First of all, all women, married, single, religious, are called to be mothers in some capacity. This does not necessarily mean women are called to be physical mothers. Physical maternity comes with a specific vocation: marriage. However, all women, married or not, are called to be spiritual mothers.

All women.

Spiritual maternity is very similar to physical maternity. It has similar qualities, but it looks different on all women. Each woman is called to live out her spiritual maternity in a way that is unique to her. For example, I am a teacher. I am a spiritual mother to my students by sharing the Gospel with them, praying for their success, and bringing Christ to them through my words and deeds. I am not a physical mother right now, so my vocation is to fulfill that maternal quality that is specific to me as a woman by nurturing and caring for my students in the way that is most appropriate and needed given the situation.

The same goes for you, if you’re a woman. You could be a nurse—then you are to be a spiritual mother to your patients, caring for them, praying for their healing, and attending to their needs. Just like a woman who has children of her own to care for. Perhaps you are a woman who works in construction. You can be a spiritual mother by praying for those on the road, caring about their safety, and bringing Christ to your coworkers through your witness. It doesn’t matter what your job is—there is always a way to be a woman, and specifically a mother, in your work.

It is interesting to note that we live in a society that presently crushes maternity. We have the pill, abortion, condoms, procedures, pornography, and more—all crushing the maternal quality of women, yet claiming to be bringing freedom to woman by giving her the ability to control and choose when and how she wants to be a mother.

True freedom doesn’t lie in control. It wouldn’t be called freedom if it was controlled. True freedom lies in knowing and understanding ourselves, our needs, and loving those things about ourselves, and using them in the proper manner.

Living out maternity means knowing and understanding that it simply means that women are called to bring forth life—spiritually, and if she is married and able, physically. Living out maternity means knowing that bringing life is what woman is made for and called to do. Our physical design tells us something about ourselves—that we are all made for motherhood.

Why maternity? Why is this what women are to live out?

Because only woman can be a mother. Only woman can house, cultivate, and grow life within her womb. Ultimately, only woman chooses to bring that life to fruition. Only woman chooses to be a mother. Men cannot physically be mothers. It’s impossible.

This, ladies, is the essence of the feminine genius. Embracing maternity, despite what society says, and living it out the way that our current state in life allows us to. It can change the world.

_______________________________________

Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

There is a tendency among those who have not yet committed to a vocation to assume that they are called to marriage because they don’t feel called to priesthood and religious life. The problem with this mentality is that you are discerning a vocation to marriage based on a process of elimination—or default. Matrimony is a vocation, meaning that it’s a calling from God and it requires the same level of discernment and formation that a call to the priesthood or religious life requires.

The vocational problem that I see among some of my single friends is that many of them live a very uncommitted lifestyle. That is not to say that they are impure and not living chastity. Rather, they live their lives with a lack of purpose and their lifestyle isn’t in pursuit of anything. They go from one social gathering to another, never truly finding a mission for their life, and never preparing for the vocation that God will be calling them to. If I were to give advice to my single friends, I would encourage them to prepare for their calling, by seeking better formation as a person. Here are three things to consider:

1. Wounds that you bring into your marriage can negatively impact your relationship.

Every person carries emotional wounds in their life. Wounds can come from sin that you have committed in your life, events that have happened in your life, or wounds in your family of origin. If you bring these wounds into your marriage, they can play out again in your marriage and in your children’s lives. Recently, I realized that I was a person that had a hard time with accepting blame. In my family of origin, I learned that you could either blame someone else for a problem or you could be blamed, and as a result, I had a hard time accepting blame for a wrongdoing in my own family. This is a wound that needed healing—and it’s a wound that I carried into my family.

2. Chastity is necessary for love.

A couple that lacks in chastity will face marital problems. It amazes me how many of my single friends hold the misconception that marriage will be a cure-all for sexual impurity. They believe that sex with their spouse will cure their pornography addiction or that “pushing the limits,” with their boyfriend or girlfriend won’t have that much of an impact on their future marriage. St. John Paul II said, “Only the chaste man and chaste woman are capable of love.” The behaviors and attitudes that you develop prior to marriage will always be carried over into marriage. By participating in sexual impurity now, you are mortgaging your future happiness in your marriage. Sex is intended for a lifelong commitment. Putting sex before the commitment can lead to resentment, hurt and a need for healing later on in your marriage.

3. Get Ready: Marriage is Exceptionally Difficult.

I think there is a tendency in our culture to place the burden of our hope for happiness entirely on the shoulders of another person. Many have the perception around marriage that, “I have a deep desire to love and be loved. Therefore, when I find my soul-mate I will be happy.” God made us for union with Him and only He can fulfill our deep desires for happiness. When we place our desires for happiness entirely on another imperfect person, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. The reality is, marriage is extremely difficult—perhaps more difficult than any other vocation. Two people—who are separate and distinct from one another—are tasked with responsibility of becoming, “one” and leading each other and their children to Heaven. This responsibility requires constant acts and decisions of love, self-sacrifice and forgiveness. This is NOT easy and every marriage faces struggles and challenges that either results in a separation of and division among the spouses or a husband and wife dying to self and becoming more holy and unified together. Matrimony is a vocation that sanctifies two people and their children, and that can sometimes be a painful process.

God has a plan for your life and for your purpose on earth. If you do not know the mission that he has given you in your life, don’t fret. It will come with time and prayer. Preparing for your vocation requires daily diligence to seek God’s healing and guidance for your life.

_______________________________

Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development and Promotion Lead for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Theology from the Augustine Institute.Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @Efritzfritz1 and http://everettfritz.com/

Every day we’re bombarded with messages about what promises to satisfy us—pleasure, food, technology—you name it! We want it all, and we want it now.

Ultimately, the only thing that will satisfy us is love. We’re made for love, but if we expect the world to satisfy our deepest cravings, we’ll always hunger for more. Our God-given desire for love is a good and beautiful thing, but we often fall for the counterfeits.

You may have heard the phrase “women give sex to get love, while men give love to get sex.” This was true in my life, but it took me a long time to realize it. I was desperate to know I was lovable, so I fell for the words of someone who promised such “love.” Unfortunately, because the relationship wasn’t centered on God, the promises were empty.

The good news is that Jesus can heal our desires and restore them to God’s original plan: To receive our worth from God, and offer ourselves as a selfless gift in love to others as Christ did for us.

Christopher West points out in his talks on the Theology of the Body that Jesus was full of compassion for those trapped in sexual sin. He saved the woman caught in adultery from certain death by stoning and assured her she was forgiven. He treated the woman at the well with a level of human dignity which she had never before received. This level of compassion was more than a sign of God’s love for all people. Jesus knew that these women were actually looking for Him—they were trying to fulfil a desire that only He could satisfy, they just didn’t realise it.

And it’s not just women! One man wrote that “every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.” The desire for love is written into all of our hearts because we were created for God, and God is love. The trouble is that we’ve lost sight of that truth, and instead we search for love and fulfilment elsewhere.

As I prayed this through in front of the tabernacle, I was reminded of the words of Tenth Avenue North’s song “Love Is Here”:

“Love is here, love is now.

Love is pouring from His hands and from His brow…

Come to the treasure you who search, and you’ll search no more.

Come to the lover you who want, and you’ll want no more.”

Love, true love, total love, is found in Jesus Christ alone. No counterfeit or lie will suffice. We don’t have to settle for falling short of God’s plan for us. We’re called to more: we’re called to challenge the lies we hear, to love each other as Christ loves us, and to allow ourselves to receive the same love.

Is there an area of your life where you’ve sought love and have been disappointed? Invite Jesus into that place, and ask Him to reveal His love to you. He won’t disappoint you.

______________________________

Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

“I don’t want average love. I want the epic love story. If people waited for God, He would do more than you could believe.” – Gianna Jessen, abortion survivor

These words that Gianna spoke should be taken seriously by anyone who wants a love that is more than average.

Why do we settle?

Why do many people today settle for love in a relationship that is merely average? Some people are attracted to this kind of “love” because it is “easy: Put yourself out there. Get a guy/girl. Yay! Now you can say you are in a relationship! If I had a dime for every time I have observed this happening though my various life experiences, I would be a rich girl. I think one reason why this kind of “love” attracts so many is because we are a culture that wants things instantaneously.

Fast isn’t necessarily always best!

We have become more than just a “fast food” culture. We want “fast fulfillment,” “fast success,” and “fast love.” Nothing illustrates this better than the hook-up culture that prevails on so many college campuses across this nation and the world. Young hearts want love, a love that will fulfill and satisfy them. However, what so many fail to realize is that the “love” that they seek, and sometimes find will not fulfill them unless it is authentic and deeper than average. St. Pope John Paul II said, “Take away from love the fullness of self-surrender, the completeness of personal commitment, and what remains will be a total denial and negation of it.” This is the essence of the chronic problems that young people encounter when searching for love. The reason that the love so many people experience is average is because it is devoid of self-surrender and commitment.

Epic Exists.

“If people waited for God, He would do more than you could believe.” God is the author of life. He is the author of love. What better person could there possibly be to write your love story? Something that is often the culprit in people finding epic love is our urge to want to be in control. Just as how we want things fast, with the snap of a finger, we also want to have control of everything. If we really want epic love, we as a society need to let go. Let go of our wants, our desires, our timetables, and our stipulations. By letting go, we are acknowledging our flawed human tendencies and recognizing God’s sovereign power. We are not the creators of epic love. God is!

“Nothing is more practical than

finding God, than

falling in Love

in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,

what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.

It will decide

what will get you out of bed in the morning,

what you do with your evenings,

how you spend your weekends,

what you read, whom you know,

what breaks your heart,

and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in Love, stay in love,

and it will decide everything.”

– Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

_____________________________

Rachel del Guidice is a student at Franciscan University of Steubenville working towards a major in Mass Communications with a concentration in journalism. This year, she is working as the Public Relations director of Franciscan University’s Students for Life club and also writes for The Troubadour, FUS’s student newspaper. She loves God, family, old and new friends and ice cream (in that order!). Connect with her on Twitter at @LRacheldG.

 

The young man came up to the cash register, handing over the money for his meal. I can’t remember what he looked like or how much his meal cost. But what I do remember—several years after the incident—is his t-shirt. A black shirt, with a simple outline of a bride and groom on the front, and the words “Game Over.” As the weeks went by after this incident, pondered what this shirt was saying. Why would marriage be a “game over”?

When I was engaged, I remember creating an account on a wedding website, so I could see “how it’s all supposed to be done” in the days leading up to the wedding. One of the major areas that the site featured articles on was bachelorette parties. Whether it’s an attempt to relax amid wedding planning or a chance to hang out with friends from other states, bachelorette parties are fairly common pre-wedding activities. Although there are exceptions, many bachelorette parties are extremely sexual, from the invitations and party favors to the activities, and objectify men and women alike. While it’s good to have a fun “girls night out” before a wedding, our culture’s take on bachelorette parties—overly-sexualized, extremely alcoholic, and wild—acts as if this gathering is the woman’s last chance to be herself and have a good time. In other words, a common bachelorette mentality treats marriage as a “game over.”

There’s also a phrase that I’ve heard directed at many unmarried people: “this is your time to be crazy and do what you want; live your life before you settle down and get married!” In fact, several months back, an article hit the internet which stated all of the things one can do instead of getting engaged in his or her early twenties. There is a mentality that singleness is a time to “explore” different sexual behaviors and relationships. It is a time to be wild—because all the fun ends with marriage. Getting married means no more random hook-ups, no more extreme independence, and no more self-centered lifestyles.

Honestly, these things won’t fulfill anyone in the long run. But marriage, a lifelong union of self-sacrifice between a man and woman, will bring a person to deep fulfillment, love, and true joy. I’ve only been married a year, but this year has been the greatest adventure of my life. Every day provides new ways in which I can learn to love my husband and sacrifice for him better. Each moment is a chance for us to grow closer to God together. Not only that, but marriage is fun, full of new discoveries and interests. And while I had fun adventures in my single days, going through life while united with my best friend is incredible. Yes, there are struggles, and I have a lot of growing to do, especially since I can’t think only of myself, like I did when I was single. But we aren’t here on Earth to think only of ourselves, either. Marriage is all about self-gift, and everyone can start practicing that, no matter what his or her age or state in life is.

No matter what a person has done in his or her life, there is always a chance to start over. If you’ve bought into the lies of our culture which say “Marriage is a game over,” you can start again. Commit yourself to loving others selflessly, whether through friendship, service, or simply sitting with someone who needs companionship. And if marriage comes, don’t worry about losing your identity—you will continue to discover who you are (and who you are made to be) even more clearly. Vatican II declared that man “cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.” A person finds his or her true identity in giving selflessly to others, and building a community of love. It’s time to say “game over” to a culture of hookups, sexual laxity, and self-centeredness. Instead, welcome the adventure of self-gift into your life.

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AnneMarie Miller studies Theology and English at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She has a passion for the Catholic Faith, chastity, St. Francis of Assisi, and frolicking around barefoot. In August 2013, she was blessed to marry her incredible husband, and the two of them enjoy the epic adventures of married college life. When she’s not doing homework, housework, cooking, or playing chess, AnneMarie reflects on life’s beauty and random observations on her blog, Sacrifice of Love (http://marianninja.blogspot.com).

For a lot of people the word ‘modesty’ is automatically associated with clothing and appearance. Most girls think of being told not to wear short skirts or low-cut tops… and our thoughts generally go no further. In stopping on the outside of our bodies, we stop on the outside of the concept. By neglecting the heart, we don’t pierce the reality of what it is to be truly modest. In fact, that’s the essence of the way in which we’ve become too caught up in the physical implications and drifted away from the true meaning of modesty.

Modesty is not synonymous with oppression.

It’s not a concept intended to hold women or hide women away under folds of fabric so they can’t be seen or heard. In fact, it’s entirely the opposite. Modesty is NOT just a matter of the hemline, but a matter of the heart. It’s not restricting, but freeing.

The word itself is defined as ‘the quality or state of being unassuming in one’s own abilities.’Where does that definition mention the body? The point is that the applicability to the body is merely a consequence of the applicability to the heart. Instead of using our femininity to achieve, we should acknowledge the reality that it is not by our own strength, but by God’s, that all things come about – ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’(Philippians 4:13). THAT is true modesty.

Before original sin, Adam and Eve were able to ‘see and know each other…with all the peace of the interior gaze’ (JPII – ToB, Jan. 2^nd 1980). They didn’t associate their bodies with impurity or with shame, because their view of the world and of each other was in line with God’s. They saw God’s plan in their bodies, and that’s what they desired. The initial intention of modesty was not to hide the body, but to protect the heart.

Purity is not prudishness!

When the Sistine Chapel was restored several years ago, Pope John Paul II instructed the removal of the loincloths from several of Michelangelo’s nude paintings, which had been added by previous popes to cover what they thought was ‘impure’. And John Paul did so ‘in the name of Christian purity’ (Christopher West).Purity does NOT mean avoidance or aversion, because those two words imply quite the opposite: the need to remove yourself from a situation implies the presence of something to be avoided – something impure. Striving for purity in this way actually prevents the recognition of what’s truly pure.

The way we choose to appear to the world is our expression of the way we want our heart to be seen by God. Purity is achieved only when the two fall in line. If we desire to be pure but dress provocatively we are doing that desire a disservice. Likewise, no matter how many layers we cover our bodies with, an impure heart will still be seen by God. Covering up the flesh won’t stop you from acting provocatively if you haven’t challenged the human lust within us all which resulted from Adam and Eve’s original sin.

So, rather than being at the forefront of our impression of modesty, the physical aspects should stem from the internal aspects. If we gain a deeper respect for ourselves as human beings, and for our hearts as men and women, then from that emerges the desire to dress modestly, rather than simply surrendering to the pressure to do so. The way that you dress then becomes merely a natural, outward expression of your inner desire for purity and humility.

Modesty is not about guilt and shame, but about accountability and humility.

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

I sat at the foot of the bed with crossed arms and my mind made up while I ugly-cried: “I will never meet another guy who likes me.” I was 20 and mildly dramatic and my path—one I briefly walked with a blue-eyed, black-haired bass player—had been pulled out from under me.

By text message.

On New Year’s Day.

Single, and I didn’t want to be. Perpetually, too—I was certain. My sole shot at someday becoming a spouse had expired because a boy who smelled like smoke and wore eye liner said so. I grieved, which is natural and good. But then I threw a pity party.

The same pity party I threw when I had never dated before and worried I never would, which I also throw when I am periodically tired of how single I am, again. At the foot of the bed, I told stories to myself about my relationship status. The stories I told were a lot of things (sad, frustrating, neverending). But the stories I told weren’t true.

I snapped out of it (for reasons that include but are not limited to “my mother is a therapist.”). But my heart hurts now, because in real life and online, I have interacted a lot lately with unhappy single people.

Single people who are telling stories. Sad, frustrating, neverending stories. Stories that aren’t true, that we who are single for who-knows-how-long or forever, ought not say to ourselves anymore.

Stories like these:

1. “Nobody wants to date somebody like me.”

If you have met all the people, asked all the people if they want to date somebody like you and all the people said no, then you’re right. But you have not met all the people. You have not asked all the people if they want to date you. That story isn’t true. What is true is that whether you are dating does not determine whether other people exist who want to date you.

2. “I’ll never meet somebody who meets my standards.”

If you are a time traveler or a psychic or a prophet, then I guess that by virtue of having done your homework, you could be right. But you are not a time traveler. You are not a psychic. You are probably not a prophet. Science says it is impossible for you to know right now all the things you’ll know at the end of your life. So does math. And religion. And logic. The point is stop it. I know a lot of people who once said “I’ll never meet somebody who meets my standards” who are now married to somebody who meets their standards and have four children.

3. “Single life is not a calling from God.”

Except it might be, and if it turns out to be yours, telling yourself it isn’t is going to unnecessarily disappoint you. “Some people must accept that, in the Providence of God, they have been called to a single life. Worse things could happen!” (Fr. Benedict Groeschel). Neither I nor Fr. Groeschel are asking you to decide today to be single forever. I am, however, asking you to decide today to tell yourself a different story about single life from now on: that if your vocation involves it, that isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you.

4. “I’m unlovable (or unattractive, or boring, etc.).”

If you are not a human, then maybe. But you are a human, and humans are of intrinsic, infinite value, on the neverending receiving end of authentic love and unabashed affection from the creator of the universe, in whose not-unattractive, not-boring image you are created. You are not just lovable. You are loved.

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Arleen Spenceley is author of forthcoming book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin, to be released by Ave Maria Press in Fall 2014. She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times. She has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com and tweets @ArleenSpenceley. Click here to like her on Facebook.

 

 

I’ll never forget a conversation from a few years ago with a teen who was in anguish about her first middle school dance. It wasn’t deliberations about her dress or hair that caused knots in her stomach and kept her awake at night. There was another decision that lay before her just wasn’t sitting right. Her friends on the other hand were excited for her as they built up the night as the moment that would end her “grinding virginity.” I listened as this girl explained her inner battle as she wondered if she had the courage to march to the beat of a different drum.

As any middle or high schooler knows, this “dance” has made its way from nightclubs to homecomings as a cultural norm for this generation. Grinding’s cousin, “twerking” has added some variation to the craze, and not in a good way.

So the burning question arises, can the way you dance really harm your purity? To start, let’s try to answer this question with some questions of our own:

1. What is the first thing you think of when you see someone dancing provocatively?
2. Are dignity and honor demanded through suggestive dance moves?
3. How would you feel if your parents, pastor, youth minister or future spouse saw you grinding with another person?

The truth is, if you’re asking the question, you probably already know the answer. Sexuality, within the context God created it, is meant to bring us closer to the Lord. Grinding and other provocative moves clearly don’t point to holiness. If you are looking for a boy/girlfriend who will walk to the Lord with you, you won’t find them while imitating sex on the dance floor.

Reflecting on this very topic, a friend of mine, who happens to be a twenty year old male college student, put it beautifully. “It is for good reason that the first dance for a newlywed couple at a wedding reception is held for everyone to see—it is an outward sign of affection between the bride and groom. I have never heard of a newlywed couple grinding during their first dance—for good reason. The dance should show how much the two outwardly love each other, not express their sexual desires.” Is the sexual union a huge part of the sacrament of marriage? You bet it is! However, in regards to dancing, the couple publically shows their union in a totally different way. Their sexual expression of love is saved for a private moment… much to the relief of all in attendance!

As John Paul II says, “The body, and it alone, is capable of making visible what is invisible: the spiritual and the divine.” The Lord gave us the physical world to point to Him. Dance has been a physical expression across cultures for all of time. Just like all art, it is an opportunity to make visible what is invisible. The question is, what will you make visible? Will you express the spiritual and the divine? Will you raise the minds of others to love or lower it to lust?

We all know the popular quote, “Sing like nobody’s listening, love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like nobody’s watching.” In debates on grinding, many people love to state that this is a personal decision that schools shouldn’t be allowed to restrict or ban. OK… however, a dance floor is definitely a public arena, and sexual acts are clearly a private choice. In this case, please dance like somebody’s watching, because they are. In the words of Daniel, my hip-hop dancing, professional choreographing, full-time youth minister friend, “if grinding is the way you prefer to dance, then it proves you don’t know how to dance. Let’s be honest, that’s something nobody else wants to see.”

As for the distressed middle school girl I spoke about earlier… she chose not to grind and she did so for all the right reasons. She is now a junior, and still a “grinding virgin.” In her words, believe it or not, she’s “survived just fine.”

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Katie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org).

 

I’ve never punched someone in the face, but there are definitely times I wish I could ignore the virtue of self-control and let a fist fly.

A few months before my wedding, someone asked me (knowing that I was a 29-year old virgin by choice), “So, is your fiancé a virgin, too?” I replied, “Nope.” She responded, “Well at least someone knows what they’re doing.” I pretended not to care about this ridiculously ignorant statement and switched the subject quickly.

But, really? Really?! My brain was reeling with anger and annoyance, while my will did all it could to prevent Jackie Francois from turning into Jackie Chan.

 That stupid response irked me on a few levels.

First, people have been having sex for thousands and thousands of years. It’s not like the mechanics of sex are difficult to master, even when it’s two virgins, God forbid! (note the sarcasm).

Secondly, do you really think I’m happy that my husband’s first experience of sex was with someone else because he got to “practice?” Um, let’s think here for a second….NO! I don’t know any girl who just hopes and wishes that her husband has memories of another girl (or girls) he’s been sexually active with or a harem of porn stars he’s been sexually aroused by. Memories don’t just vanish when you start dating someone new or put a ring on your finger or say wedding vows. It takes grace, prayer, time, and sometimes counseling to heal these memories.

Thirdly, if my husband had been there to hear this ridiculously insensitive and crude “insight,” he would’ve been even more offended (and maybe tempted to throw a punch, as well). His loss of virginity was never something he boasted about. In fact, he shares his witness here and in the talks we give together about the regret and shame he felt after that moment of weakness and lust. While the culture says that sex is “no big deal” and that people are meant to be “test-driven” before marriage, there are a lot of good Catholic men and women who know sex to be holy and beautiful and worth giving to your spouse alone. Those particular men and women who had sex outside of marriage truly felt that their virginity was lost. One woman described it as a loss of innocence. Another described it as a loss of an idea of what it should’ve been to have sex for the first time when she said, “It wasn’t like the movies. My boyfriend didn’t even hold me afterwards.” Others have said, “I felt used.” Others have felt the loss of pride, because they were the ones who would’ve “never” committed the sin of fornication. Others have felt that their dignity was lost, because they gave themselves away just to hear the words, “I love you,” or “You’re beautiful.” Virginity was never meant to be “lost.” Sex was never meant to be a mistake or a flippant act.

While the world around us in TV, movies and music makes virginity look ridiculous, I knew in my heart I never wanted to “lose” my virginity to some boyfriend in a nasty college dorm room or in his parents’ house or in his apartment just to have some practice for my future husband. I wasn’t taught the Puritanistic view that “sex is bad.” In fact, I learned the Catholic view that sex is good, beautiful, and holy. Sex is the consummation of the wedding vows, and your body is making a promise of those vows (even if you do not). The vows you make with your heart and voice on your wedding day—to love freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully—are then expressed with your bodies later on that night. Sex makes the vows incarnate. So technically, you’re not married if you haven’t consummated your sacramental marriage, because the vows have not yet been fulfilled bodily.

That’s why on my wedding night I didn’t “lose” my virginity. I freely chose to give myself—body, mind, heart, and soul—to my husband who promised to love me ‘til death do us part. I definitely didn’t feel shame or loss. I didn’t feel dirty or bad. I felt beautiful and holy and child-like. And my husband? You can bet that he felt the same. Even if virginity has been “lost” at some point in the past, it is still possible with Reconciliation and God’s grace to be able to, for the first time, give oneself freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. And trust me: when sex includes all of those things, that’s when someone really knows what they’re doing.

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Jackie is a full-time traveling speaker, singer/songwriter, and worship leader from Orange County, CA. In 2006, she became an artist with OCP/SpiritandSong.com with whom she has released two albums. She has been involved in youth ministry since she graduated high school, and she now travels the globe speaking to young people about God’s love and leading worship for various events and ministries

With the rise in popularity of the book turned film, 50 Shades of Grey, the word “submission” has suddenly risen from taboo, to chic for many avid fans. Ironically, a hipster-minded Catholic might venture to explain that we’ve been embracing a teaching on submission long before it was riddling the pages the pop culture phenomena… just in a very different context. I would dare to even say, that Scripture’s definition is more attractive, romantic, and passionate than any romance novel could ever portray.

The word, submission shows up most notably in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians where he says, “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body.As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything” (v.22-24). For many, these few sentences fell like battery acid poured their eye. In order to appreciate the true meaning of this, let’s look more closely at what the word submission really means.

We all know that the word “sub” means under. We could say therefore that “sub-mission” is equivalent to being “under the mission of.” What is this mission of the husband? Well, in the words of Saint John Paul the Great, “It is the duty of every man, to uphold the dignity if every woman.” When Saint Paul speaks of wives being submissive to their husbands, he is speaking of this very thing. In fact, he goes on, in this same passage, to boldly say that husbands should “love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her” (v. 25). Wow. Our all-powerful God makes Himself the subordinate One in order to lay down His life for His bride (the Church). Saint Paul invites all married men to do the same: live their lives ordered to the holiness of their wife and children.

Ultimately, the fulfillment of our dignity is understood in Heaven. All human relationships, romantic or platonic, have one purpose: to bring another to holiness. In the garden, this became the desire of Adam’s heart, to share the Paradise of God with another. In the vocation of marriage, a husband stands before God promising to do this very thing—to make it his mission to bring his wife to the Paradise of Heaven.

What woman in love with Christ wouldn’t want to be under that mission? I can almost hear all the Catholic single ladies across America shout “Amen!!” Our response as women isn’t to blindly do whatever our husband says, however, we do what God asks when He commissioned Eve to be the “helpmate” for Adam. We share in the mission and collaborate to create an environment to encounter God in our homes, relationships and daily lives. The teaching on submission doesn’t repress women; on the contrary, it honors them.

Now, in regards to the sudden enthusiasm regarding sexual submission, could it be true that the devil is up to his same old strategy? So often, the devil takes something that is good, true, beautiful and also the longing of our heart and twists it just enough to make us believe his version will satisfy. Perhaps this is the root of the intrigue of the type of sexual domination and submission in 50 Shades of Grey. Physical harm, misogyny, and degrading sexual acts may sell books, but it won’t satisfy in the way that real, selfless, sacrificial love was designed to do.

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Katie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org).

I have been somewhat disturbed and frustrated lately by the lack of respect for the dignity of women. There are constant messages from society that degrade women and minimize us to objects for use and pleasure. This goes beyond “men objectifying women” and has evolved into us as women objectifying ourselves. Sometimes I feel like if we truly understood our beauty, dignity and value as women there is no way we would settle for living in any way contrary to affirming that.

After hearing several teens mention it, I checked out a popular music video that has become a hit on YouTube. Now, I wasn’t expecting anything deep, or transcendent or spiritual just going off of the title alone, but I have to say I was unpleasantly surprised by just how bad the video was. After 5 seconds of watching it (because that’s all I could stand), I said out loud to myself “Really?!”

Is that what we as women have to do to get attention from men and feel like a woman?

As degrading as that video is, it irked me to see that it has more then 200 million views on Facebook…

I sometimes wonder what our world would be like if women lived authentically. Authentically, meaning true to what we were created for.  At our core, we as women are created by God for beauty, virtue and love. And, at our core these are our the deepest desires.

It is scary, at times, what we will do to feel beautiful, desirable and loved. Because of our own wounds and brokenness, we often misdirect our desire towards things that are not satisfying or lasting. Trust me, I have been there. I have based my value and happiness on material things, attention from guys, approval from people in my life all to feel loved and what I was left with was feeling empty, tired and desiring something real and lasting.

Once I really started to understand what it means to be a woman, I felt a sense of identity and purpose that I hadn’t felt before. After starting to embrace my value as a woman, I didn’t have the desire to dress immodestly or objectify myself because I wanted to live out what I knew to be true in my heart, that I am a daughter of God.

The amazing thing is that when we seek to live out authentic femininity, we receive what out heart’s truly desire: peace, joy, purpose, love. The even more amazing thing is that each and every one of us as women was born during such a time as this for a specific purpose. We have the ability to change society through simply being a woman and living out what that truly means.

Archbishop Fulton Sheen once said: “When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”

We have the power to inspire nobility, virtue, goodness and love in others through our own witness. So yes, we can misuse our femininity to turn heads and get millions of likes on Facebook, but we can also allow our femininity to inspire what is good and true.

So… where do we start?? Well… the answer is simple, but not easy. We learn to find our identity as a daughter of God. Each and every woman is called to be a daughter, sister, wife and mother. But, the foundation of every relationship is daughter. Once we really start to grasp how much God loves and adores us as His daughters, we are able to have meaningful relationships with other people. It is that love of God that shines through us to others (if you need a little reminder of how much God loves you, read Psalm 139). Finding our identity as daughters of God is a process that takes our entire lives. But it is from that true and real relationship that our true beauty and dignity as women flows from.

So, if you want to change the world….or do something meaningful…or influence the lives of others, be the woman that you were created to be!

Be who you were created to be and YOU will set the world on fire -St. Catherine of Siena

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Margaret works full-time for a parish as a Pastoral Associate of Theology of the Body and Evangelization. She graduated college with a degree in Social Work and Theology, and has been involved with youth and young adult ministry since she was a teen. She also loves cooking, running, reading, spending time with family and friends and dancing! Margaret speaks to various audiences and ages on Authentic Masculinity and Femininity, Theology of the Body, Finding Identity and Purpose and Chastity.

I have been saving sex for marriage for a long time, and I’ve noticed over the years that when people find this out, there are a series of reactions that take place. Most often they begin with utter shock, transforming into sheer horror, and end in misunderstanding about my choice and the belief that I am very naïve, and I must be brainwashed by my faith or my family.

Today I’d like to debunk some of the myths that surround the idea that saving sex for marriage is some sort of horrible tragedy in my life. Because it isn’t.

Today I’d like to tell you that I am ok, and I am going to continue to be ok. I don’t feel deprived or sad about my choice. I wasn’t manipulated or tricked into my decision. I don’t feel like I am missing out, and I don’t condemn anyone who isn’t in my shoes.

Let’s explain some of the misconceptions:

MYTH #1: Because I’m saving sex for marriage, I think sex is evil.

Dear World, you couldn’t be more wrong. The reason I am saving sex for marriage isn’t because I think it’s evil, it’s because I know it’s holy! And holy things are sacred and beautiful, and meant to be treasured and shared in the proper setting and context. In the case of sex, it’s meant to be shared with my spouse—the person who wants to bring Christ to me and help me grow in holiness. That’s the person who deserves to have all my love in holy sexual intimacy.

MYTH #2: I am missing out.

I’ve been living 27 years without sex, and I’m doing just fine. I don’t feel like am missing out at all, because there is so much more to relationships than sex. When I date a guy, I get to experience him exactly as he is as a person. I get to see him entirely as a child of God, and I get to truly grow in authentic friendship with the person I am with. And that’s what I want in a spouse—a best friend—not just a sexual partner.

MYTH #3: Waiting is easy.

I will never ever tell you that it is easy to wait. It’s not. It’s a struggle. There are times when I have felt that I wasn’t going to make it. I’ve been in holy and not-so-holy relationships. I’ve battled myself and prayed like crazy that I wouldn’t fall into sin. The only way to get through it is through prayer, an understanding of the value of sex, and dignity of the human person. If I didn’t have that, I’d fall like a house of cards. God is my strength. Waiting isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

MYTH #4: I must not know sex is awesome, or I’d be having it.

I am well aware that sex is awesome, and that’s exactly why I’m not having it! I know that it’s going to be the greatest expression of love between my spouse and I, and that’s why I am waiting! The only person worthy of sharing such an intimate, intense, mind-blowingly awesome experience with me is the person who wants to give their whole life up for me. That person sounds pretty amazing to me, and well worth waiting for.

MYTH #5: Chastity isn’t for everyone.

This couldn’t be further from the truth—chastity is for every single person on the planet! It doesn’t matter if you’ve tried and failed at living a chaste life or if you’ve been successful your entire life at being chaste. It is for everyone, no matter what your state in life. You can always get back up and try again if you fail!

Chastity is for anyone who wants an authentic experience of love. It’s for anyone who recognizes that there is more to this life than sex. It’s for anyone who sees their own value, dignity, and worth, and wants to preserve that for the right moment—after their wedding vows. It’s not for the few and far between. It’s not for the brave and strong of heart only. It’s for everyone.

MYTH #6: I think people who’ve had sex are terrible people.

I don’t promote chastity to condemn anyone. Each person has dignity and value, regardless of his or her sexual behavior. I don’t promote chastity to tear others down—I promote it to elevate and uplift the human person. I promote chastity because I see the beauty of it, and I want to live out that beauty myself, and I want everyone else to have the same privilege. I want to encourage those who want to join me on this journey, whether they are in the same place as I am or not. It’s a hard road. It’s a long and difficult path to follow, and having support is key. If we don’t have that, the world will discourage us in a second. No matter who you are, or where you’ve been, you’re still worth waiting for.

Don’t let the lies get you down. Living a chaste life can be difficult, but like most difficult things in life, it’s worth it. We’ll come out on the other end better and stronger for it, but only if we see the beauty of it, and we live it out because of that, and not in spite of it.

I’m praying for you.

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Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

Casually flipping through the store ads in a newspaper this summer, one in particular caught my eye. Next to the department store’s logo, in bright, bold letters, were the words: “Everything is on Sale!” And, next to these words, were three scantily clad women posing to display as much skin as possible. The “sale” may have just been on dishes, clothes, and utilities, but what was I being told? “Everything is on sale—just look at the bodies of these women!” A few weeks later, I saw a man walking down the street, who was wearing a t-shirt that had a huge “For Sale” tag printed on it. What did the tag also say? “Make Offer.” Are we just objects for sale and consumption by others? And do we view others like that?

When I think about “consumerism of the body,” prostitution comes to mind. I typically think, Well, I’m not involved in that, so I don’t ever hold a consumer attitude towards others, right? Unfortunately, I—and I’m guessing others—fall into a consumer attitude. How many times have I shied away from people because they were unattractive or unpopular, and instead exclusively talk with the “popular” crowd? How often have people bought into the media’s lies that only the “hot guy” or “sexy girl” finds intimacy in a relationship? And you only need to walk down the Barbie aisle to see how young girls are being taught that sex appeal is a key element in life.

In the midst of our consumer culture, where can we look?

In Love and Responsibility, Karol Wojtyła discusses “sexual values,” the impressions made by people of the other sex, particularly by their “womanliness or manliness.” While important, he explains that these values can’t take precedence over the person, a unique individual with immense dignity and worth.

Wojytła states that choosing sexual values over the person is “clearly utilitarian in character, and not on the level of love for a person. The sexual values which a man finds in a woman, or a woman in a man, must certainly help to determine the choice, but the person making it must in doing so be fully aware that what he or she is choosing is a person.”

This can be a challenge, and I know people argue that, “we’re only human, how can we not put sexual values first?” Precisely because we’re human is why we can choose to prioritize a person over his or her sexual values alone. This isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world, but chastity isn’t for wimps, either. We need to keep trying, and eventually we’ll make it! Here are some ways that I have tried to overcome a “consumer attitude” in my own life:

Be present to others. Not just talking with whoever’s attractive or really nice, but being fully present and encountering each person you come into contact with. Every single person is a great gift (even when he or she may not seem like it) and needs to be treated as such!

Base your relationships on more than the physical stuff. When describing the primary place of values and prayer in a relationship, I once heard a retreat speaker say, “You only have as much between you as you have above you.” Instead of focusing merely on the physical aspect of a relationship, emphasize common values and goals. This will help you to focus on who the other person actually is—and I’m willing to bet that you will become better friends in the process. Step out of the dark TV room, and find some creative dates, where you both can communicate and work together!

Community Service. Talking with and serving people in less-than-stellar conditions takes your mind away from the externals and helps you to see each person’s deep value.

Have multiple friends of the opposite sex. It’s a great way to naturally interact with people, choosing to love them for themselves, not just for their “sexual values.”

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Anne Marie Miller studies Theology and English at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She has a passion for the Catholic Faith, chastity, and St. Francis of Assisi, and frolicking around barefoot. In August 2013, she was blessed to marry her incredible husband, and the two of them enjoy the epic adventures of married college life. When she’s not doing homework, housework, cooking, or playing chess, AnneMarie reflects on her random observations on her blog, Sacrifice of Love. (http://marianninja.blogspot.com)

I LOVE the song ‘Lead Me’ by Sanctus Real, but I can’t listen to it without getting emotional. My friend and I cried to each other over the phone when we first heard it.

Why?

Because it hits a sore spot. It hits that wound in all of our hearts that bleeds the phrase “how come there are no real men anymore?!” Most of us have heard it asked. Nearly as many of us have asked it ourselves. But the reason we don’t see them isn’t that they don’t exist, it’s that we tell them they can’t.

God created us for union and communion with each other. His unmatchable creativity is such that he designed us to fit together. Our lives are the most fruitful and we feel the most fulfilled when we’re exercising that complementarity. We need men in our lives—not just husbands, but fathers, brothers, friends—and they need us. We unlock an extra level of potential in each other.

Sometimes as women we put far too much pressure on men to become the ideal we think we need. We’re often guilty of underestimating just how difficult a job they have! Supporting us and leading us takes an immense amount of strength. But that strength comes from God alone, and must be continually renewed through prayer and abandonment to Him.

Disney has taught us to expect perfection and settle for nothing less. But Prince Charming is a lie. No wonder the divorce rate is rising so rapidly: we’re in for a serious shock if we marry with the false belief that the men who swept us off our feet and carried us to the altar in their strong arms will retain that guise of perfection for long.

No man is flawless (neither are we!), and expecting them to solve all our problems will only end in more heartache. Christ called us to love one another as He loves us. That means that the most fruitful relationships will be built on grace and mercy rather than pressure and judgement. We’re called to love each other including our flaws, because without that merciful love no relationship can survive.

Disney’s version of “Mr Right” may be far-fetched and idealistic, but deep down we do have a natural longing to be supported and guided by a strong man—spiritually, physically and emotionally… and that’s no coincidence! What we long for is actually the root of what men were intended to be, we just don’t realise it. We want them to be strong and gentle and decisive and loving all at the same time… and they can be! But to benefit from that, we have to allow them to develop those strengths. To have a “real man,” we have to allow him to be a real man.

Culture insists on mourning the loss of ‘real men’, but perhaps it’s simply the definition used that needs challenging. A real man isn’t one who works out twice a day, earns a six figure salary and buys extravagant presents with money he won’t miss.

A “real man” is one who will lead you with strong hands even when that means humbly admitting his mistakes.

One who will discerningly make sacrifices for the greater good of your family.

One who seeks guidance from his heavenly Father instead of relying on his own strength.

One who’d rather walk you to Heaven than drive you around in his Porsche.

One who looks at your heart before your physique.

One who prays for you, not just pays for you.

One who strives to protect your purity not conquer it.

One who loves you as Christ loves His Church.

… and these REAL MEN EXIST!

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

 

 

 

A few weeks ago, I was at the gym with a friend when I saw a guy who I was certain I recognized but couldn’t decide where from. Good-looking, dark hair, athletic build, training with the university boxing team. There was no denying he was attractive. Then it dawned on me where I’d seen him before. Every Sunday he rushes into Mass late, on his own, and sits at the back of the church.

While mentally congratulating myself for working this out, I happened to mention it to my friend. Her automatic response was “oh yeah, he’s hot and he’s Catholic’—you should ask him out!” What did I know about him at this point? He’s physically attractive, and he’s Catholic. Not much! Yet this was apparently enough to warrant asking the guy out. What’s more, I’m pretty sure the ‘and he’s Catholic’ was only added because my friend was aware this would be one of my terms.

I didn’t know his name, his age, his nationality or his interests, and yet it struck me that nowadays the natural next step would be to ask him on a date purely based on appearance. Physical attraction might motivate some to pursue one night stand, but it’s certainly not a sufficient basis for a longer lasting relationship. Somewhere along the line, dating has become a recreational activity instead of a discernment process.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t date someone unless you’re 100% certain you’re going to marry them, but I am saying that if you’re pretty certain you’re not going to marry them then you probably shouldn’t consider dating them.

In his book ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’, Joshua Harris fantastically explains the difference between dating for entertainment and dating intentionally. He offers 7 habits of defective dating to look out for in our own relationships and attitudes towards them:

1)     Dating leads to intimacy but not commitment.

2)    You skip the ‘friendship stage’ of the relationship.

3)    Physical relationships are mistaken for love.

4)    The relationship isolates a couple from other friends.

5)    The couple is distracted from preparing for the future.

6)    Discontentment with the gift of singleness arises.

7)    A person’s character is evaluated in an artificial environment.

It’s so easy to fall into any one of these traps, particularly while we’re surrounded by a culture of instant gratification that teaches us that we can have anything we want without much effort. But defective dating will inevitably lead to a painful break up or, worse, defective marriage! Changing the end result requires us to change the process. Changing the process can begin now—whether you’re in a long term relationship, just starting out, or are single.

Take the time to get to know someone and discern the potential for a relationship before you begin dating. If you become romantically involved too soon, it’s easy to get stuck in a relationship which is unhealthy, restrictive and, ultimately, destructive. Instead of rushing into a serious relationship for fear of being alone, or going on date after date after date with different people but having no real focus, allow God to work in his own time. Trust that He will provide what you need, when you need it.

You don’t have to buy into the dating game. There’s another way. A better way. God’s way! And for our part that’s the simplest way of all.

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

A few years ago, while still in middle school, I attended the wedding of two family friends, Tony and Amy. This wedding has stayed in my memory above all the others I have witnessed in my life of twenty years.

While the bride was beautiful, the dress was perfect, and the groom was handsome, it was not the aesthetics of the wedding that made it unforgettable. Tony and Amy had decided to save their first kiss for their wedding day. When Tony wrapped his strong arms around his bride and their lips met, all in the audience could undeniably see the testimony that waiting brings to a marriage. Their kiss was one of love and deep, tender meaning, not a formality to simply state that they were now married.

It is certainly not my job to say that all couples should model their relationships after Tony and Amy’s. However, there are some great things to keep in mind, whether dating or not.

Revitalize your prayer life.

Foster a robust, open and honest prayer life. It is only through communicating with our Heavenly Father that we will have a clear idea about who to peruse in a relationship and how to go about perusing. If we do not have a strong, intimate relationship with Our Lord, there will be no solid foundation on which to build our relationship with our spouse, the most important earthly relationship.

Discern your vocation.

It is extremely important to realize that for every single person on this planet, there are really only two options in regards to relationship possibilities. If we follow God’s plan for love and marriage, we will either 1) marry the spouse who has been created by our Heavenly Father as our match, or 2) for those who are called to single or religious life, have Christ as our spouse. At first glance, this may seem like a drastically limited span of choices. However, the fact is that this divine design by God is meant to aid us in building lasting love relationships that will fulfill us beyond imagination—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Look at others with the right perspective.

Guys, the girl you are dating right now may not end up being your wife. Structure your relationship so that you will not regret what you have done in previous relationships when you stand on an altar one day, exchanging vows of marriage with the love of your life. It’s the same for us gals. Treat your guy-friends and boyfriends as someone else’s husband, because, let’s face it, they probably are! We all know of great friendships that have fallen apart because intentions weren’t clear and these guy/girl “friendships” became all about physical attraction.

Guys and girls: discern if you are even supposed to be in a relationship at the moment. Christ wants to be our best friend, and he will never fail us in showing how to handle relationships. He wants us to thrive, and His will never leads astray.

Have an eternal perspective.

The Church teaches us that one of the greatest purposes of marriage is leading one another to heaven. Marriage is truly a journey of sanctification. What better reason is there to wait with purpose? You have the opportunity to help lead to heaven the person you love more than anyone in the world. How beautiful!

St. John Chrysostom, a Doctor of the Church who was a lector, priest, and bishop of Constantinople, once said that husbands should tell the below to their wives.

“I have taken you in my arms, and I love you, and I prefer you to my life itself. For the present life is nothing, and my most ardent dream is to spend it with you in such a way that we may be assured of not being separated in the life reserved for us…. I place your love above all things, and nothing would be more bitter or painful to me than to be of a different mind than you.”

This intimacy & love that St. John speaks of cannot be experienced without the virtue of waiting. Tony and Amy certainly shared this love, a love that is born out of waiting. I pray you experience the same!

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Rachel del Guidice is a student at Franciscan University of Steubenville working towards a major in Mass Communications with a concentration in journalism. This year, she is working as the Public Relations director of Franciscan University’s Students for Life club and also writes for The Troubadour, FUS’s student newspaper. She loves God, family, old and new friends and ice cream (in that order!). Connect with her on Twitter at @LRacheldG.

 

So I recently learned that Kim Kardashain took 1200 selfies and sent them to Kanye West as a Valentine’s Day gift, because apparently “all guys love it when a girl sends them sexy pics.”

Yesterday I was at the store and I saw the latest issue of Cosmo, and Emmy Rossum was on the cover. She was quoted as saying “Men only need two things—grilled cheese and sex.”

Today, on Hulu, I was looking at the list of movies they have available for watching, and one of them was simply called “Pornography.”

Sex is literally everywhere.

It’s so disappointing and disheartening. Sex is such a beautiful thing, and beautiful things should be honored and cherished, not thrown in your face until you become numb to them.

I grew up by the lake. I remember telling my mother as a child that the lake was just a giant puddle, and not very exciting. I saw it every day, and I thought it was lame.

Despite this, there was a part of me that knew I was wrong. There was a part of me that knew the lake was beautiful and special, and that it was actually quite a gift to be able to live near it. But I grew used to seeing it all the time, so I took it for granted.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to truly see the beauty of the lake, and now when I visit home I realize every moment I have there by the water is a moment spent basking in the glory of creation, and it’s awesome.

We, as a culture, have made sex into what that lake was to me as a child – something that is taken for granted. We see sex on every magazine cover, in every television show, and in every book we read. Sex is on nearly every website, and in the ads on social media, calling out to us to buy into it.

Sex is so in our face, and such a common thing, that we are slowly becoming more and more numb to it.

This is why pornography is so prevalent today. People are bored with sex, so they feel the need to find new and exciting ways to change it.

But if we could all just take some time to think about what sex really is and what it’s meant to be, maybe we would all appreciate it for the glory that it contains.

Sex is super awesome. It has power. It has mystery. It is beautiful.

But beautiful things are meant to be honored and cherished.

They are meant to be something, that when encountered, resound in the depths of our very being. Beautiful things are meant to be a little mysterious, to draw us in, and to slowly reveal to us the glory that lies within them.

Would you like to live a life void of beauty and mystery?

I have good news: you don’t have to.

You are meant to be a beautiful mystery to the world. You were made for unraveling and unveiling in the presence of someone who loves you, honors you, cherishes you, guards and protects you.

Ladies, you don’t have to send sexy pics to anyone just because Kim says it’s what men want. You don’t have to make grilled cheese sandwiches and give in to the pressure of having sex just because Emmy says it’s what men need. You don’t have to buy into sex as our world wants to sell it to you.

And men, you don’t have to be that guy. You don’t have to ask for sexy photos of your girlfriend, just because our world says you want them. You don’t have to be the guy who lives off grilled cheese and a woman’s body because you’re told it’s all you want. You don’t have to fall prey to the sex-obsessed stereotype the media portrays you to be.

We are all made for more.

Go against the culture—take mystery back! Claim sex for what it was meant to be! Let the beauty of human sexuality be a mystery to you! Let it be something you honor. Let it be something that, when you finally encounter it within marriage, rocks your world and reaches the depths of your very being, revealing to you the power that is unleashed in it—the creative power of the One who made you. Don’t let it become commonplace. Don’t let it get boring. Don’t take sex for granted. Because the best news is: it doesn’t have to be.

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Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works for His glory as a high school religion teacher, campus minster, speaker, and blogger. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting her personal blog, “A Heart Made for Grace” where she shares her musings on all things Catholic.

Does this sound familiar?:

“Sex is bad and dirty and it angers God if you do it before you get married. You must practice self-control by never thinking about sex, lest you anger God and violate his commands in the Bible. Sex should only be experienced in marriage, in which case then a married couple can have at it as much as they want.”

This, of course, IS NOT Catholic teaching—however, it can sometimes be an outsider’s perspective of a Christian’s understanding of sex. What disturbs me, however, is when I see good Christians take this understanding of their sexuality. I see this, on occasion, when couples practice abstinence in their relationship apart from chastity.

Chastity is the virtue which allows you to express your sexuality according to God’s designs. It is what enables the human person to express their sexuality as an act of love instead of an act of using another person as a means to an end. Abstinence is simply saying no, or abstaining, from sex. Abstinence is a necessary part of chastity, but shouldn’t be practiced apart from chastity.

Problems can arise within a relationship or within a person, when the sexual appetite is treated as something inherently bad and evil, instead of something that must be tempered for the sake of love. I’ll give you a few examples of people who I think take abstinence too far:

–        I recently heard a story of a 17 year old boy and girl who were dating. They got in trouble because they had “crossed second base.” What had they done? The boy had put his arm over the girl’s shoulder.

–        I have a female friend who recently spoke at a conference where someone approached her and asked her why she would speak on chastity while also leading men into sin with the way that she dressed. What body part was exposed? Her elbows.

–        I recently saw a video where an engaged couple stated that they hadn’t expressed any physical intimacy other than a side hug.

–        I recently heard a young woman tell me how she was struggling with chastity and that she just couldn’t control her thoughts. She said, “I just need to get myself to a point where I never think about sex!”

It is impossible for me to judge the hearts and intentions of these people and their relationships. But, when I hear stories like these, my first thought is that these people don’t have a healthy understanding of God’s plan for their sexuality—and they are trying to repress their sexual appetites rather than live them out according to God’s plan.

Don’t get me wrong; it is commendable and encouraging to find couples and individuals who strive for the virtue of chastity. For the chaste couple, the relationship needs boundaries and those boundaries need to be agreed upon by both parties in a relationship. The reason why you set physical boundaries in a chaste, dating relationship is because it is an act of love. The reason why you dress modestly is so that a person looks at you and sees a person rather than body parts. It is also true that when setting boundaries or dressing modestly, it is better to err on the side of being too conservative. But there is huge difference between saying, “no” to sex and saying “yes” to love.

When I was doing my undergraduate studies in theology, someone asked my marriage professor what he thought of couples who saved kissing for marriage. He replied, “There is nothing wrong with saving kissing until marriage provided the intention is for the right reasons. But there is something very wrong with having an attitude toward your beloved of ‘I love you—BUT DON’T TOUCH ME!’” His point was very clear; chastity should be practiced as an act of love. When practiced, it brings freedom and blessing into a person’s life.

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Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @Efritzfritz1 and http://everettfritz.com/

 

I never thought having premarital sex was okay. I went to Catholic school for 12 years, heard chastity talks, pledged my virginity to God and my future spouse on several occasions, and was a leader in a chastity club. I went on a chastity trip with my mom and two aunts on my 16^th birthday. I am the poster child for “it was not supposed to happen to me.”

I wanted nothing more than to marry my boyfriend of two years. Although he did not share my beliefs, he knew how firmly I believed in saving sex for marriage. He was not ready to get married, so I did something I was not ready to do as a compromise—or because I loved him, or because I was tired of fighting the good fight, or because I just wanted to have sex. I will never forget after we slept together the first time. He immediately said it was the best day of his life. I immediately cried because it was the worst day of mine. We continued to date and struggle with chastity for three more long years. After all, the battle only gets harder once you’ve crossed the line. Eventually, we broke up for good.

Now this is usually the part of a chastity story where a magic moment happens, the writer turns their life around and lives chastipply (chastely+happily) ever after. There was no magic moment, no one person, event, or any one day that my life turned around. It was, and is, a long battle. I still fall, I still kiss boys I should not kiss, and I still do not always date the right guys. I am still a sinner and always will be.

With each new fall it is easy to give up and stop fighting. After all, society tells me that claiming to want chastity and still making mistakes makes me a hypocrite. For me, chastity is a daily battle. Here is what I have learned along the way.

1.       I need to date a guy who shares my beliefs. Several guys have told me that they don’t mind not having sex until marriage. But that’s not enough. It’s not enough to find a guy who is willing to abstain if I require it of him. I know I’ll probably fall unless he wants chastity as much as I do.

2.       I wasted a fair amount of time looking back and asking “why oh why did I mess up so badly when I knew better?” Although I did learn some things about myself and got to use all of my company-offered free counseling sessions, chastity really came down to the basics: Chastity is about love, and not expressing physical union until that union exists in reality (marriage). It’s about sacrificing momentary pleasure now so that I can more freely give of myself in a lifelong commitment of love.

3.       Pick good friends! I have found that the best way to find joy in my singleness is to have as many awesome Catholic girlfriends as possible. I am lucky enough to have five accountability partners who I adore and admire, not just because they are also trying to practice chastity, but because they have amazing careers, passions, and a sense of adventure.

4.       It is ok to have guy friends. Also, if you remain pure with a boyfriend, it’s much easier to be friends after the breakup.

5.       LIFE IS ABOUT MORE THAN SEX!!!!   Focus on the million other things and keep your mind, body and soul focused on healthier outlets. My dream was to learn to sail. I did it.

Bottom line…do the best you can every day. Repent and confess when you fall but DON’T GIVE UP! It is never too late to start again.

In a society that equates masculinity to number of sexual partners, I felt that I would be labeled as less of a man if I admitted that I was a virgin. Despite my anxiety, I still felt that saving sex for marriage was the right thing to do. I had learned about the virtue of chastity through the years, but deep down I still felt the tug from society to succumb to premarital sex and it reached a boiling point during my time in college.

I arrived at college in 2008. It was the first time that I had been confronted by promiscuity on a daily basis. My very first weekend at college, I realized that the main reason many guys went to parties was simply to “hook up” with a girl. While at one house party, I can remember a friend urging me: “Go talk to her,” pointing at a girl, “you probably wouldn’t have to work too hard to get her in your bed tonight.” I laughed, and tried to act cool but in my head I was thinking: “I don’t even know her name! I’m not going to kiss her let alone try to get her in my bed.” And this wasn’t an isolated incident… this routine played out frequently during my first couple years of college. The thing was, no matter how many girls I talked to or danced with, I just couldn’t shake the pit in my stomach whenever I thought about pushing it further. So I would go to a party, hang out with my friends, maybe dance with a girl, and then I would go home. Alone.

My friends probably thought I had no “game” but early on I realized that what I was searching for could not be found at a party. I wanted to find a woman who I could share my whole life with, not just my body. I didn’t want to live out Hollywood’s version of the male fantasy of endless no-strings-attached sex; I wanted to be the knight in shining armor.

And so I struggled through the clash of culture and conscience. I searched for women who could see through the lie of hook ups and one night stands—but it was difficult to find and tempting to ignore. I was starting to question whether I was wrong, whether the ideals I had in my head were even possible in today’s world. Maybe I was just as naïve as society painted those who pursue chastity?

Finally at the end of my junior year I met Jennifer, the woman who would eventually become my wife. From the moment I met her I knew there was something different about her. We were truly committed to chastity and we were in it together. As with most things in life, it was much easier for us to handle this challenge with a teammate who had the same goal.

Many of my friends still thought it was odd that Jennifer and I had never had sex after dating for three years. We had learned to express our love in other ways. I sent her hand written letters, brought her flowers for no special occasion, and planned dates that didn’t have any expectations attached. She knew that when I performed random acts of kindness I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to get her in bed, but because I loved her and simply wanted to make her happy.

Physical temptation will always exist whether you are single or married, but it takes a courageous man to save sex for marriage. Giving in to every sexual desire will leave you hungry for something deeper and more substantial. I have heard it from friends. One of my best friends once told me: “after I have sex with a girl, I feel dirty and when I go home that night. I feel something tugging on me that there is something more out there.” If you take charge of your desires and learn to channel them, you will end up with something beautiful, something that humans crave—true love.

Jennifer and I got married at the end of June 2014. I was glad that I could give myself freely, openly, without shame or memories of past experiences, and that we waited for the sacrament of matrimony to make us one. As we fell asleep on our wedding night Jennifer whispered in my ear “thank you for waiting for me.” Hearing those six words were worth more than any pleasure that the world could offer.

_________________________

Jeff Swierzbinski attended the University of Delaware and graduated with a Bachelors Degree in Political Science as well as Sociology. He is an active duty Army Officer stationed at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina where he lives with his wife, Jennifer.

 

A year ago I made a decision that changed my life. I ended a destructive relationship, and I’ve never looked back. But I learned something very important very quickly—I learned that I had absolutely no clue who I was! I’d had two long term relationships since I was 16, and I’d forgotten what it meant to not be part of a pair. As an individual my identity was a mystery.

At a Christian festival last summer I wrote a phrase in my prayer journal which has stuck with me ever since:

‘I will be the bride of Christ before I’m the bride of Man.’

The same night I felt God calling me to take a fast from dating, and dedicate a year of my life to Him alone. I’m as guilty as anyone of idolizing marriage, so I was wary of what the year might hold—a whole year which was guaranteed not to include the potential for marriage! I knew I needed to trust in God to lead me where He wanted, and as usual He didn’t disappoint!

I’ve learned more about myself in the last year than I had in the previous twenty. I’ve also seen immense development in my relationship with Jesus, as I learned more and more to cast my burdens onto Him and find my rest in His embrace. From my year of singleness, I’ve also come to realise a series of questions which I believe must be asked before I (or anyone else) enter into a relationship in the future…

1. Are you ready for marriage?

Right now I know that there is so much more work God wants to do in me and with me before I’m ready for marriage, so leisurely dating wouldn’t serve any purpose. That’s not to say dating is a bad thing, just that it should be intentional—and so if you’re not in a place where you’re able to fully discern marriage then you’re doing a disservice to anyone you date.

2. Are you in it for your own gain?

We all have those moments where we think a relationship would make us truly happy. We want someone to solve our problems, cheer us up when we’re down and eradicate our loneliness. But at the heart of all of these reasons is selfishness, and we’re called to love selflessly.

3. Are you satisfied with Jesus?

More than anything else, this year has taught me to hold Jesus at the centre of everything I do—knowing that He is the only one who can truly satisfy me. There is no substitute for Him. If you’re not satisfied with Jesus, then you won’t be satisfied by a relationship.

4. Are you confident in your own identity?

Knowing who you are, whose you are and why you were created allows you to bring so much more to a relationship. Being able to embrace the person God has made you to be enables you to fully embrace the other person. It also stops you relying on that person to reassure and affirm you, which inevitably puts a lot of pressure on them.

The truth is that you don’t have to be afraid of being alone, because you’re never alone! Sometimes God will have plans for your life which require you to be single for a time, but He is always there with you. He uses our times of singleness to teach and transform us, and to mould us into the people He has created us to be, and so we must allow and accept His work, even when it hurts.

As I reach the end of my year of committed singleness, I am so thankful for the journey God has taken me on and the opportunities He has opened my eyes to. If you’re struggling with feeling alone right now I pray that you, too, may be blessed with the comfort of Christ’s presence and the knowledge of God’s oh-so-exciting bigger plan for your life.

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

In its proper context, God loves sex. He could have gone with the stork or the cabbage patch, as procreative means, but God had other plans. Often times it seems that the topic of chastity can be summed up as: “no!” In fact, chastity at its core is all about “yes! By trusting Christ and following His plan, we discover what the devil is trying to hide.

Consider This Example:

Most blow dryers come with a tag that states, “do not use under water.” Why, you ask? Apparently enough multi-taskers out there thought they could wash and dry at the same time. The manufacturers were then obligated to inform everyone that this is a very bad plan. Does anyone become angry with the blow dryer people? Do you throw up your hands in anger proclaiming, “Who are they to tell me how to use my blow dryer?” Of course not! They have only provided you with this guideline because they made the blow dryer, and they have insight into how it works. I am sure you are free to use it in the shower if you would like, but the creators would like to warn you that it won’t be a happy ending. Perhaps your Creator desires to advise you in the way you use His masterpiece. This isn’t just to prevent disaster, but also so you can use it to glorify Him.

That’s because marital sex is sacramental:

That’s right; I just put the words “sex” and “sacrament” in the same sentence. One way of understanding a Sacrament is to think of it as an outward sign of an inward grace. God gave us the Sacraments so that we wouldn’t miss the extraordinary things that He wants to do in our lives! It is a way that we get to see, hear, feel, and experience a supernatural reality that is happening within the depths of our souls. In the Sacraments we are given a chance to physically witness a greater spiritual reality. The sexual act within the context of marriage can also be thought of as a visible sign of an invisible reality. It is meant to make us holier in order for us to use our bodies to give glory to God. This means that sexual intercourse is a moment where a couple receives grace! In marriage we can be sanctified through sexual union!

In the sexual act of marriage, God joins with His creation in order to create:

It is in the sexual act that we become co-creators with God. Stop and think about that for a moment. Mind.Blown. We can glimpse into the mystery of the Trinity by looking at the structure of the family. In the Trinity, God is revealed as an eternal communion of life-giving love. In marriage this gift of self is expressed on a human level in the union of a married couple. Sex was created as an outward manifestation of an inward reality: Love. The potential of this exchange is so powerful that nine months later, you give it a name. No, God didn’t choose the stork; He decided instead to involve us in His creative power.

Now, if you were the devil, where would you focus your most strategic attack on mankind?

The devil has succeeded in making sex seem so casual, yet simultaneously making us believe that it is dirty. The average person probably has no idea that there is anything holy about it!

If sexuality is meant to unite us to God by way of the family, then Satan certainly believes in making a great effort to distort this reality. Imagine that God’s plan for love and marriage is like an amazing feast. The Lord is diligently preparing this banquet for you and can’t wait to usher you in as soon as He is ready! On the other hand, the devil tries to dissuade you from waiting by enticing you to feast on the raw meat. We have the freedom to wait for what is to come or settle for the quick and easy. God has incredible plans for you, the question is: will you say yes?

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Katie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org).

 

 

Dating, “talking,” seeing someone, going out—these are all titles that we use to describe our romantic relationships with others. One word that is hardly used anymore is “courting” and I completely understand why. The word just sounds so old-fashioned and boring and it almost brings on the gag reflex for most young adults… myself included. After hearing the term used again the other day, I actually felt compelled to learn more about the definition of “courtship.” Here is what I discovered:

Courting became popular in the 1800’s and it was pretty much a more serious form of what we now call dating. The process of courting began by the man gaining permission from the woman’s family to court her and then he would spend time with the woman and her family to judge whether or not marriage would be a good decision for both of them.

Courtship could be called honest dating, because the fundamental purpose of dating is to find a spouse. However, that goal becomes less clear when intentions are not stated and relationships become something used to satisfy physical or emotional needs.

Dating is not a cure to loneliness; it is a process of discernment that requires strength and selflessness.

The process of courting or “honest dating” is something that can only happen between two mature individuals who have serious and pure intentions. For these reasons, I have come to a greater appreciation and admiration for something as clearly expressed and deliberate as courtship.

I’m not saying that you have to marry the person that you’re dating or that you can only date someone who asks the permission of your family before pursuing you. What I am saying is: Be honest. Date with the knowledge that the next step is engagement and if you are in a relationship with someone who you do not believe God is calling you to marry… don’t obstruct God’s plan for both of your lives by remaining in a relationship with them.

In St. Paul’s Letter to the Philippians, he writes, “And this I pray that your love may abound still more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ.”(Phil 1:9-10)

Christ gave of himself fully both in body and spirit in order that we might make it to heaven to be with him forever. Being imitators of him in this way requires us to do whatever it takes to get those we love into heaven even if it means making tough decisions.

If there is any lesson we can take away from the idea of courtship… let it inspire us to have purpose in our relationships and realize the goal of marriage that these relationships lead to. The more honest and pure our pursuit, the more Christ-like and holy our relationships can be.

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Rebekah Hardy lives in New Jersey and is a sophomore at Mount St. Mary’s University in Emmitsburg, Maryland where she majors in Theology and minors in English. She enjoys playing sports, praying the Rosary, and drinking iced coffee. Her blog can be found atcatholiclifesite.wordpress.com and her twitter handle is @bekahhardy7.

 

 

I want to first say that I have not read 50 Shades of Grey. But from all of the hype, media coverage and articles I have read about it, I think I get the gist…or as much gist as  I want to get…

(Not to mention that I would rather read the phone book then fill my brain with the lies and dysfunction being “sold” in the book as romance)

In the little I read about the plot and themes in the book, some BIG lies were jumping out at me. In an effort to unveil the lies we continue as a culture are buying  into, I decided to write this blog.

1. Love is Not Use

In the last ten years, there seems to be a quickly growing trend in our hyper sexualized culture for violent, aggressive, abusive sex to be portrayed as something desirable, attractive or “sexy.” In my opinion, this has everything to do with the pornography industry and how sex is portrayed in the industry as mutual use, domination and objectification (If you want to learn more about the harmful effects of pornography, check out Fight the New Drug.

From what I have gathered, the scenes portrayed in the book involve very violent, aggressive, abusive sexual acts. The bottom line of this is that it portrays sex as pleasure seeking use of the other at whatever means necessary, even if it causes the other person pain.

I am going to go out on a whim here and say that no person wants to be harmed by another. No little girl dreams of the day her husband will blindfold her, chain her to the bed and whip her. This is not a natural desire. However, it seems more and more that our culture is portraying this as the norm… that love is about use.

The truth is that real, true, authentic love is willing the good of the other. In real love, the only person it should cause pain to is the one giving the love because they are called to die….yep, you read that right, die to themselves.

The most loving act is Christ on the cross and HE is the one who was whipped, beaten and scorned for the sake of our sins. He bore the pain for His beloved (us!) for our sake and that was a free act that he chose.

2. Men Are Meant to Protect the Dignity of Women

The main character in the book is a twenty one year old virgin who is interested in Christian Grey. His goal as her “lover” (and I use that term lightly) is to manipulate her and take her purity. As an “inexperienced” young woman, he sees her purity as a challenge, as something to take from her. True real authentic masculinity is protecting the dignity of women at every cost. A real man sees a woman’s purity as a gift, a treasure to be cherished. Not a trophy to win or something to take from her. Our culture is hungering for men who are real and authentic and for woman who recognize their value and worth and won’t buy into the lies they are fed.

3. Relationships Should Not Be About Power and Control

“Boys have cooties”, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”, “Boys against Girls”, “Battle of the Sexes”…. for so long there has been this tension, this competition between men and women that is a direct result of sin…but…’in the beginning it was not so’… This desire for power, control, domination is not how things were intended.

Men and Women are different, but the differences between us are good, necessary and sacred (yes, sacred!). Because it is in our differences that union, love and life are possible. We compete and dominate out of fear. But, when we see our differences as something to be valued, there is not a desire for power and control, but rather to outdo each other in generosity. And that is so freeing and brings the two joy!

4. Manipulation is Not Romance

A shout out to the ladies on this one… we have probably all experienced some version of this: a guy shows interest in you by either giving you attention, buying you gifts, taking you out and getting to know you and, naturally, you feel special and desirable. There is one question that will help you know if it is romance or manipulation: is he doing these nice things to get something for himself? Or, not to get anything in return but simply because he knows you deserve it?

It is so easy to buy into the lie of manipulation because the deepest desires of our heart as women are being met (or at least we think they are); to feel beautiful and desirable and to receive love. But it is easy to overlook the selfish motives that might be driving the gestures and wooing.

There is quote that says “the purpose of chivalry is to remind men, women and society how special and important women are to the world.” Men opening doors, speaking respectfully about women, buying her dinner, etc is not because she cannot do it herself or so that the man can get something in return, but instead for the woman to know that she deserves to be adored, cared for and treated that way.

The guy in the book is wealthy and uses his wealth, power and prestige to catch the attention of the girl. And, as you can guess, he succeeds. But, if you look at the big picture and how he treats her, one would see that he is selfish, abusive, controlling and dominating….which is the exact opposite of love which is selfless, tender and freeing.

It truly breaks my heart that so many women are reading this book as if it provides any truth or authentic substance for us to take in.  But, my prayer is that more men and women will have the courage and strength to avoid the lies we are fed and live out their authentic call as men and women to love and support each other in that call.

Even though it seems our culture has bought into the “50 Shades Phenomenon,” we must always hold onto the hope that light can always push out darkness.

“Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” -Philippians 4:8

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Margaret works full-time for a parish as a Pastoral Associate of Theology of the Body and Evangelization. As a teen, she first encountered The Theology of the Body and quickly fell in love with St. Pope John Paul II and the beautiful teaching he gave as a gift to the Church. She is passionate about sharing this message with other people… the message of God’s love and plan for our lives! Margaret speaks to various audiences and ages on Authentic Masculinity and Femininity, Theology of the Body, Finding Identity and Purpose and Chastity. She is currently enrolled in the Theology of the Body certification program at the Theology of the Body Institute in Philadelphia. http://createdandredeemed.wordpress.com

Many of us have gone through the process of checking event invites on Facebook. And sometimes, there’s an invite to that one party you just don’t want to attend. But, you want something to do Friday night. So, wanting to keep all options open—in case nothing better comes along—you click “maybe attending.” No commitment, no accountability, and if you have nothing better to do, you can go. For me, clicking “maybe attending” on Facebook invites has always been an easy answer, because I don’t have to commit. Yet, I’ve found little fulfillment in giving such noncommittal responses. And, unfortunately, “clicking maybe” seeps into our culture as people try to not commit themselves. In regards to relationships, I have noticed a few different tendencies:

The Neverending Flirt. Many of us have seen the cute guy in the hallway who has an entourage of women that he flirts with continually. Yet, he doesn’t commit himself in a relationship. Or, the woman who floats from one man to another, clinging to the companionship and emotional comfort, but never really dedicating herself to a relationship with one man.

The Over Discerner. Many people, since they don’t want to make a wrong choice, pray and discern, trying to reason through every possibility. While discernment is good, it can be easy to “over discern” and never actually get around to making a decision.

The Perpetual Date. Instead of moving a relationship towards engagement and marriage—or breaking it off if marriage isn’t in the picture—many people have no committed purpose to their relationships. Sometimes, these relationships will go nowhere for years on end, until finally they become engaged and get married. Other relationships will go on for several years before finally dissolving and leaving the individuals very broken and damaged.

The Cohabitating Couple. For many people, shacking up is a “normal” activity. With no commitment of marriage, people move in together for a variety of reasons. Yet, living together out of wedlock has several negative effects, which includes damaging relationships and the intimacy reserved for marriage

Ladies and gentlemen, we are made for more than this.

We have the ability to love and sacrifice, and we can consciously choose to work for the good of other people. When we cling to a fear of commitment, our relationships suffer, and we fall short of the tremendous love that we are made for. However, when we commit ourselves to others in purpose-driven relationships, we open ourselves up to a deep and immense love. In Love and Responsibility, Karol Wojtyla (now St. John Paul II) states that “Love develops on the basis of the totally committed and fully responsible attitude of a person to a person.” In order to fully love others, we need to build commitment. Especially in a relationship between a man and a woman, commitment builds trust, deepens intimacy, teaches sacrifice, and helps them look to the others’ needs before their own.

This challenge to commit ourselves is not easy; it can actually be quite terrifying and daunting. When people start purpose-driven relationships, they don’t know the extent of growth that will take place within them. When individuals get married, they have no idea what kind of challenges and adventures they will have down the road. Doubts and fears will swirl around us, but we can’t live in fear. Honesty and commitment are better than fearful doubt. We need to have the courage to commit.

I encourage all of you to look honestly at yourselves and your relationships, and see if you are holding back because of fears, or if you are willing to courageously commit in whatever way God is calling you to—whether it means dating, engagement, marriage, or even breaking up.

You owe it to yourself, and to your significant other.

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Anne Marie Miller studies Theology and English at Franciscan University of Steubenville. She has a passion for the Catholic Faith, chastity, and St. Francis of Assisi, and frolicking around barefoot. In August 2013, she was blessed to marry her incredible husband, and the two of them enjoy the epic adventures of married college life. When she’s not doing homework, housework, cooking, or playing chess, AnneMarie reflects on her random observations on her blog, Sacrifice of Love. (http://marianninja.blogspot.com)

 

 

 

 

You’ve probably heard of the Stanford marshmallow experiment. In the ’60s and ’70s, Walter Mischel—then a psychologist at Stanford University—put one preschooler at a time at a desk on which he had placed a bell and a couple marshmallows or other treats equally tough for a kid to resist.

“The researcher told each child that he had to leave, but that when he returned, she could eat both marshmallows,” wrote Michael Bourne in a January 2014 New York Times Magazine article. “If she wanted one marshmallow before then, however, she could ring the bell and eat one, but not both.”

Once alone, the children stared at the marshmallows, or sniffed them, or buried their faces in their hands while they pined, or ate the marshmallows like all that is good depended on their digestion. The study, which discerned differences between people who delay gratification and people who don’t, points to an important truth: We are not unlike preschoolers who are left alone with marshmallows.

We have urges, desires, interests, instincts. We want stuff, like to flirt with or date somebody. Some of us are inclined to get or do what we want as soon as we want to get it or do it. Few of us consider this: like for the preschoolers who agreed to wait 15 minutes because it meant two marshmallows instead of one, there are good reasons to delay action, even if what you want’s within your reach.

But we resist it because moderation is a lost art.

To moderate something is to preside over it. It’s to decide, in the case of desire, to act only when it’s prudent to act—a process that compels us to discern before we do stuff, to accept that delayed reaction to desire doesn’t imply that we’ll never get what we want, and to acknowledge that desire for something doesn’t determine how right for us it is. We ought to bring back the art of moderation for these three reasons:

Moderation keeps us virtuous. 

Virtue requires us to moderate our urges, desires, interests, instincts—to prepare with prayer and thought before we act on them. Chastity is the virtue with which we moderate our appetites instead of being controlled by them (CCC 2339). Modesty is the virtue that “encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships” (CCC 2522)—it compels us to think before we speak or act. Temperance is the virtue that “moderates the attraction of pleasures and provides balance in the use of created goods. It ensures the will’s mastery over instincts and keeps desires within the limits of what is honorable” (CCC 1809).

Moderation points us in the right direction. 

To preside over a desire means we wait to act on a desire until prayer, critical thought, and context determine that it’s a good idea to act on it. You can’t predict how long it’ll be before it’s smart to act, or whether it even ever will be. That can make a heart hurt. But those are growing pains, and growth puts us in better positions. It orients us toward what we are actually designed for. Time will tell whether that aligns with what we’ve desired. If it does, we will be better prepared—by moderation—to act on that desire. If it doesn’t, then by then, our desires likely will have changed.

Moderation prepares us for what God has prepared for us. 

Sometimes, like the preschoolers who ate the marshmallows without hesitation, we do we want—like flirt or date—as soon as we want to do it. We think that by not immediately acting on a desire or interest, we risk missing out on something great. But patience, prayer, and thought before we act is what’s going to unveil the things that are truly great—the purposes God wants us to serve, the vocations he wants us to live, and the will with which we must align our lives.

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Arleen Spenceley is author of forthcoming book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin, to be released by Ave Maria Press in Fall 2014. She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times. She has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com and tweets @ArleenSpenceley. Click here to like her on Facebook.

 

 

Meet The Parents

Back in “5½ Soul-Crushing Traps To Avoid While Dating” I wrote about selfishness. I’d like to think that article cured the world of it’s selfishness, and we’re one hundred per cent selfless now. But I know that’s not true. I struggle with selfishness every day, and you probably do, too.

So we have to keep working on it. And one sure-fire way of getting over selfishness is learning to think about the other before yourself. When we do this, we will make better decisions together and likewise grow better ourselves.

Marriage teaches us how to get out of the way, to lay down our life for our spouse. And dating is where we discern whether this is the person we’re called to do that for.

But it has to start now. You have to start learning selflessness while you’re dating, because it isn’t just magically going to happen when you get married.

So where do we go for a crash course in selfless dating?

Allow me to introduce you to the perfect instructor––Mother Mary, and her most chaste spouse Joseph.

What do Mary and Joseph have to do with dating? I mean, maybe Joseph took her to the movies, but we sure don’t read about it in the Gospel.

Remember the story of the Annunciation? The angel appeared to Mary, and she said the most important words in human history: “be it done to me according to thy word.” (Luke 1:38.)

Mary said yes to God. Joseph did, too. And that’s where we’re going to begin:

Learn To Say Yes To God—Together.

The words Mary spoke to the waiters at the Wedding Feast at Cana are meant for your relationship as well, “Do whatever he tells you.” (John 2:5.)

Truthfully, if we learned that one lesson, we could probably stop right there. Do whatever Jesus tells you, and you’re relationship is set. 

Saying yes to God is the main highway out of selfishness and the key to a happy relationship. God wants the absolute best for the both of you, and he’s the only one who can give it to you. When an angel told Joseph in a dream that Mary’s child was of the Holy Spirit, Joseph understood that he needed to let God lead, not try to figure everything out for himself.

You need to do what Jesus tells you (see the Bible and listen to the Church for instructions), and apply it to who and how you date. There really is no better way.

Learn From Mary’s Virginity.

We can learn a lot about dating from Mary’s virginity.

Hold on, I know what you’re thinking. If this really is the right person for me, and we do get married, we’re not going to be virgins very long.

You’re right, but Mary’s virginity doesn’t just mean she knew no man. (Luke 1:34.) Her virginity is about even more than that. Mary’s perpetual virginity is about being consumed with God—which is what heaven is like. Whether we’re married now or not, Mary’s pure God-centered celibacy is how we’ll all be in heaven. Joseph saw that, and he wanted nothing more than to protect it. His family life was a taste of heaven.

And that taste of heaven is what we all want from our family life, isn’t it? That’s why my wife and I have a large image of Mary hanging over our bed and a statue of Joseph by our side: because they teach us to seek God first if we’re going to have a happy relationship. 

Learn The True Meaning Of Joy.

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord.” (Luke 1:46.) Does your soul do that?

Does your relationship do that?

You’re probably smart enough to know that what the world thinks of as “fun” isn’t permanent or worthwhile. We’re not talking about endless parties and expensive vacations. We’re talking about the kind of relationship filled with joy. It’s filled with joy because you’ve invited God in––not left him out on the fringes where you only think of him on Sunday mornings.

As I’ve said before, dating is the spiritual boot camp for marriage. But you have to choose your instructor. Reality TV and tabloid magazines want to teach you what love is like, but they’re wrong. Not because I say so, but because the evidence shows it. Follow Mary and Joseph. They’ll show you the way to happiness now—and for the rest of eternity.

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Jon Leonetti is an international Catholic speaker, author and radio host who conveys a message of lasting fulfillment in Jesus Christ. Jon desires to cultivate an intimate relationship with Jesus and help others do the same through prayer, the Sacraments, family life, Mary and the saints. Engaging Catholics in all walks of life, Jon’s keynote presentations and Surge of the Heart Parish Mission continues to help thousands of Catholics each year discover the freedom Christ offers by way of His life and love. Learn more about Jon at www.JonLeonetti.com

 

I was introduced to the idea of modesty being a virtue that I should embrace as a young girl. For a long time there was pressure from certain circles of friends who said women could only be modest was by wearing boy’s baggy shirts and skirts that reach the ankles in order to hide their bodies.

I was a member of those groups where dressing frumpy was defined as modesty, and all those other people are being impure. I soon discovered that these girls were going about enacting the virtue of modesty in the wrong way.

While it seemed as if these women were trying to be holy and modest, they did not fully grasp the true understanding of the virtue of modesty.

An important thing to remember is that our bodies are not a hindrance to Heaven as some people hold to be true. Our bodies were made beautiful and perfect by God, marred by sin but made new again through baptism and Christ becoming flesh.

Modesty can sometimes promulgate that same mindset of: “our bodies are evil” (also known as the heresy of Gnosticism). As Catholics, we know this to be false. Yes, our bodies are temporal things and we sin through our bodies at times, but our bodies are not evil. We do not have to walk around in a brown, boxy paper bag to prove our holiness and modesty. We must be careful about what we wear so as not to lead others to sin, but our bodies are not sinful in and of themselves.

We do not have to dress in baggy, frumpy clothes in order to be modest. God created us different from men and deemed us to be beautiful that way. And yes, he did give us extra curves and such, but that doesn’t make our bodies evil. While you shouldn’t flaunt your body to get attention, you should not hide who you are.

Denying the way God made you by being ashamed of your body is just as sad as the women who think they have to hang out of their clothes and show more skin to get attention. Yes, it is hard to be a woman. It is not easy to be modest. There is a fine line we have to walk between being immodest and dressing like our grandpas (no offence Grandpa).

By completely neglecting our appearance and dressing like we are ashamed of our bodies, we are bringing a bad reputation to our faith.

Christ said that when we are fasting we are not to look as if we are fasting. We should not be dressing in a way that gives us that much attention: whether that is dressing super-“modest” or showing every inch of skin legally possible. We should not call attention to ourselves and our “holiness” by dressing like we are from the 1800’s.

Nothing on earth can quite equate to a woman’s beauty. The first woman, Eve, was the final and most beautiful creation of God in the book of Genesis.

With the entrance of sin into the world, some of the world has lost its inherent beauty and the other beauty can be twisted and misused for evil. Our bodies can be used as a way to grow closer to God, or to fall farther away from him. They should not be seen as an evil that we must hide from God and something of which to be ashamed. Christ became flesh to redeem the world. Our bodies can be used to direct others to the Father as well…we just have to present and carry ourselves as followers of Christ.

To the world, we should not be seen as those crazy Christians who don’t know the difference between men and women’s clothing or that stylish “vintage” really doesn’t refer Victorian or puritanical style dresses.

You must dress and live for Christ in a way that radiates beauty.

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Lauren Ramseyer is a student at Franciscan University of Steubenville working towards a major in Mass Communications with a concentration in journalism and a minor in Theology. She will be working as assistant editor of The Troubadour and as a writer for the Public Relations Department at Franciscan in the fall. She loves her Catholic faith, her family and chocolate. Lauren currently runs two blogs, one of which hosts her small business; if you feel so inclined, you can check them out here: randomramblingsofme.wordpress.com & aiming4the2percent.wordpress.com

I think we can all agree that $100 is a fairly large sum of money. If you had $100 on you, you’d probably want to put it in your pocket, a drawer, a safe, or the bank—somewhere safer than out in the open.

I was thinking about this a few weeks ago—how much we value money. How, with money, we want to keep it hidden and safe so that others cannot take it from us without our permission. We value money and we think things that cost a lot of money are valuable as well.

This may seem like an obvious statement, and I suppose it is. But after thinking about the way we treat money and how we take care of it, I started wondering about myself.

How much do I think I am worth?

I’m pretty sure I am worth more than $100. As a matter of fact, there is no way to put a price on who I am, because I am so valuable. I am priceless.

So if I am worth more than all that money I’d put in the bank if I had it in my hands, then the question I must ask myself is this: what measures do I take to protect myself like I would protect that money?

Now I don’t mean I want to go lock myself up in a safe. That would be… extreme. And creepy. And dangerous. And, well, weird.

I started thinking about who I am, and what I think I am worth. I am worth a lot. I don’t want to just give myself away. This is when I came to the realization that giving myself away starts with something very simple: the “M” word. Modesty.

I know; it’s summertime. That word is being thrown around all over the place. You’re probably sick of hearing about it. I know whenever I see that word I think “ah gosh, here we go again, someone is going to tell me how to dress. C’mon, it’s HOT out!”

I’ve been there before. I’ve worn the little tank tops and shorty shorts and skirts. Sometimes I still want to wear certain clothes that I shouldn’t wear. That’s usually when I ask my roommate what she thinks about my outfit and she will tell me honestly if it’s ok or not. Then I have to retreat and change if I don’t get the ok. Having an accountability partner to check out your clothes is a really good place to start. I know that might sound trivial, but they can see a 360 degree view of you that you can’t see in the mirror, and because they love you, they will be looking out for your best interests and giving you advice because they care about you as a person.

But why is it so important to be modest? What’s really the big deal? A lot of people will tell you that it’s not a big deal—that less is more.

Less is more. But not in the sense that our world today tells us it is.

Revealing less of you preserves more of yourself.

Cormac Burke says this about revealing ourselves with our wardrobe:

“Dress should be revealing. It should reveal the person, in his or her sense of values, of interior worth. Dress that over-reveals the body hinders the discovery of the person, of one’s real self—if there is any real self that remains worth showing.”

If we reveal more, we give the impression we’re worth less.

What are you worth?

That is what modesty comes down to. That’s what the “M” word is really all about. It’s why we are told that modesty is important—not because we want to have a million rules and make you cover up and never show yourself to anyone—but because it relates to who you are as a person. You are a whole person, not just a sum of parts.

Immodest dress makes parts of our body objects. It disconnects pieces of us from our whole. We begin to lose sight of ourselves as whole persons who are valuable and lovely. We start to see just legs or tummies. When we wear clothes that are more revealing we often start to lose focus on what, or perhapsI should say who, exactly we are revealing. We may think we’re just accentuating a certain body part, but then that part can become the focus of those around us. It becomes the only thing that is seen. It separates a part of us from our whole.

What does modesty really tell us? Sharing too much of yourself is selling yourself short.

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Ashley Ackerman is first and foremost a daughter of God, and after that she works as a speaker, blogger, administrative assistant, and nanny. She is a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she earned her master’s degree in Theology. You can read more of Ashley’s blog posts by visiting ackergirl.blogspot.com.

A stack of save-the-dates and wedding invitations covers a corner of my desk at home. Within the next eight months, five more of my friends and their significant others will have wed, while I—now nearly 29—will have not. That I might witness all their vows without a date doesn’t bother me at all as I write this. That doesn’t mean that how single I am has never bothered me.

“My wedding” sounds to me like the start of something so difficult but so good. In the sacrament of matrimony, we are given to each other by God, and we are given to each other by each other. It’s a miracle, because two people turn into a unit designed to result in the destruction of self-absorption. A marriage is supposed to be a space where we can work together to become holier, and guts are safe to spill, and virtue can blossom, in which love is absolute and unfailing, just like God’s love is for us.

I want that. When I am reminded that I want it, I sometimes start to ache.

The ache is a dull longing, and when present, a constant distraction. It starts in your heart, or in your soul, or in your gut, and is rooted in the belief that something or someone is missing. It can make a person whimper a little, or binge eat pepper jack cheese sticks. It has arrived when I’ve been a third wheel a lot or when all I’ve seen between my world and a good man’s is an iMessage he isn’t sending. It arrives when I think too much about five weddings and no dates.

When I have ached, I’ve sighed a lot, and have felt mildly unfulfilled, and noticeably alone, and irreparably restless. Each time, I’ve made myself agree to wait longer for whatever’s missing to show up. I’ve resolved to accept that for now, I’m alone.

Until the last time I ached.

The last time I ached, I learned the most important thing to do while you’re single. I sighed that day like I usually do. I was restless. But I thought a thought that probably didn’t come from me:

“You don’t ache because you’re alone. You ache because you’re looking in the wrong direction.”

The whole time, every time I ached, I ached because I was waiting to receive from significant others what significant others are not even designed to give us. I ached because I wasn’t paying attention to the source of my peace. As I ached, I associated how I felt with what I thought was missing: a guy to date, and to bring to other people’s weddings.

But nothing was missing. I only felt unfulfilled, alone, and restless because I had turned my head. I wasn’t looking anymore at what all of us actually long for, whether single, married, or religious. Because the most important thing to do while you’re single, as it turns out, is the same as the most important thing to do while you’re not:

Focus on Jesus.

There is no date that can do for me what Christ does, no iMessage that grants peace like the peace that comes from eyes on Him. There is no wedding that’s better because a guy’s beside me than a wedding I attend with Christ before me, and no way I can be a wife someday if I’m not looking at Him.

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Arleen Spenceley is author of forthcoming book Chastity is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin, to be released by Ave Maria Press in Fall 2014. She works as a staff writer for the Tampa Bay Times. She has a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a master’s degree in counseling, both from the University of South Florida. She blogs at arleenspenceley.com and tweets @ArleenSpenceley. Click here to like her on Facebook.

 

 

Challenge time, beautiful ladies of the Lord! In our culture nowadays it seems that it is much easier for us to dress immodestly than modestly. So here’s my challenge…

Dress modestly for 30 days.

Instagram it with the hashtag #30daymodestychallenge . (Yes… take some selfies. No judgement)

Pray about it and see what happens!

Question time… Why did I decide to take this challenge on?

A. During the hot months of summer I have noticed my desire to wear clothing that is not as modest because of convenience, but I want to change that thinking around! For me… I want to not only respect myself but I want to respect those around me! This is what modest dressing does… allows men to feel safe and women to allow the men to see their dignity within. Jason Evert said, “Women, modesty means you have beauty and power. And you use that to teach men how to love you for the right reasons.” THIS is why I am doing this challenge! And why I would like you to join me!! Modesty reveals the inner beauty while also allowing for the women to still embrace her femininity. How great is that!

What are some modesty guidelines?

A. Layering is always good! Make sure that your most private parts of your body are veiled. Shirts too low or shorts too high should be avoided. Shorts that are right above the knee are usually best, but trust me I know how hard it is to find some that fit “modest” standards. It may take some digging but I’m sure you can find some that work! If all else fails? Make some skirts or shorts yourself! Its really fun and cost efficient. Another suggestion, as women our stomach area is sacred and will eventually contain life, therefore it’d be best to cover it up!

Kileen, I’ve seen some modest clothing… It’s not cute. What can I do to style it up?

A. If you need some ideas check out my Pinterest profile! I’ll be updating it with my 30 Day Modesty Challenge board! Also the Instagrams will help give some ideas!!

I’ll be posting every week through the duration of the challenge! Let’s bring back a culture of modesty!

I’ll be praying for you, please pray for me!

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Kileen Willis is a senior at Colorado State University and will graduate with a degree in teaching history at the secondary level. She is passionately driven by her love of Christ which brought her to become involved with FOCUS, Students for Life, and become the author of the blog “Daughter of a King.” She tries to write about real life topics such as; dating, fashion, and the New Evangelization to young adult Catholics who are both male and female. She hopes to become a Catholic High School teacher but more importantly she hopes to go to Heaven. Read more of her blog posts and follow her at boldinloveblog.wordpress.com. “

 

Even though I am a man, I find it much more difficult to coach men instead of women in the area of love. Learning lessons about love and manhood requires a certain amount of self-reflection. Learning to be a man who loves requires sitting at the cross and learning from the King, who both created us as men and embodied manhood in his own flesh.

Several days ago, I wrote a blog called, “Four Keys to Finding Love (for women).” I’ve been married for 8 years, following 4+ years of courtship. The lessons that I have learned about women and love I owe entirely to the lessons that I have learned in trying to love my wife.

I had to sit and reflect for a while to think of the parallel for men. What would I tell men about finding real love? Here is what I came up with:

Your strength is not found in what you do, but in who you are.

Men identify with strength as something that is desirable to have—and rightly so. God made man to have strength. Our bodies are generally physically stronger than women (although Kacy Catanzaro could kick my butt) and because we find our strength in our body, we can be tempted to value our worth based only in what we can accomplish with the work of our bodies. But strength and worth is not about what we do—we cannot earn our worth and strength. Strength is found in becoming a man of virtue and integrity. It is success at becoming a great man versus becoming a big deal.

Women should be cherished for who they are and not what they can do for you.

Our culture teaches men that women are something to be conquered. A real man doesn’t conquer a woman’s beauty—he cherishes and protects it. Women are people with hopes, dreams and the ability to love and be loved. When we treat them as objects for pleasure—whether it is in a relationship or through fantasy and pornography—we cripple our capacity to love because we make a person a means to an end instead of a person to be valued and loved.

Stay away from women who place their desires for happiness entirely on your shoulders.

There is an enormous difference between hoping that your future spouse will lead you to happiness and being convinced that your future spouse will bring you happiness. Many women have fallen for the Prince Charming lie. They are sitting around and waiting for a guy to come and marry them so they can live happily ever after. Women who fall for this lie become emotionally dependent on men and their integrity is easily compromised. A woman that you can take to the altar is a woman that has been there many times before. That’s because she understands that her future happiness lies with Christ in eternity and she is willing to place her trust in you to take her to Him.

A relationship with God will teach you how to love.  It is the most important accomplishment that you will ever have.

St. Paul told men to love their wives as Christ loves the Church (Ephesians 5). Jesus washed the feet of the Church. He sacrificed and died for the Church. When we spend our lives sitting at the foot of the cross in prayer—we learn to do the same for the women that we love.

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Everett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children. You can connect with him through Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/catholiceverettfritz or Twitter: @Efritzfritz1 and http://everettfritz.com/