Chastity

Promoting the Virtue of Chastity

Blog

By

Are You Finally Ready to be Free? (Part 2)

In my last article we looked at two important approaches to heal from pornography: prayer and accountability. In this article we will look at three more.

3. Counseling

Sometimes the struggle for purity needs professional help, and there are plenty of good Christian counselors out there who are willing and waiting to give it. Sometimes people—men especially—can think that admitting they need counseling is something to be ashamed about. It is not. What would be shameful is realizing at the end of your life how much you and your loved ones suffered because you were too proud to seek healing.

How do you know if you may need counseling? Here are five questions to ask yourself. Answering yes to any of them could mean that you would benefit from professional counseling:

1. Do you have a preoccupation with pornography?

2. Have you had repeated unsuccessful attempts to control or stop viewing pornography?

3. Do you use pornography as a reward for hard work, and/or a way to escape problems or negative emotions?

4. Are you risking the loss of a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of the use of pornography?

5. Have you been thinking that you might need counseling because of your pornography use?

For more information, visit Integrity Restored, run by clinical psychotherapist Peter Kleponis. Dr. Kleponis is a Catholic who specializes in helping those struggling to be free of pornography.

4. Educate Yourself

In the battle against pornography, it’s important that we not only feed our souls, but our minds. Educating yourself on the destructive nature of pornography will help convince you to break free from it. Here’s what the Catechism has to say about it:

“Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials.”

Here are some resources that will help you unpack why pornography is so harmful and destructive:

Books

Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who turned from Porn to Purity by Matt Fradd.

Recovery from porn is possible, and this book proves it. Delivered contains ten stories of men and women who found freedom after having been ensnared by pornography.

Wired For Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain by William M. Struthers.

Dr. Struthers, a neuroscientist and researcher, explains in fascinating detail the devastating neurological effects of porn use and how they can be reversed.

The Pornography Epidemic: A Catholic Approach by Peter C. Kleponis.

Here Dr. Kleponis offers a Catholic approach to fighting porn both in our personal lives and in our culture.

Websites

Beggars Daughter provides helpful tools, advice and support to women struggling with sexual sin such as pornography and masturbation.

Chastity Project is the most comprehensive site on the web resource for promoting the virtue of chastity.

Articles

Slave Master: How Pornography Drugs & Changes Your Brain by Donal L. Hilton Jr.

Neurosurgeon Donald L. Hilton explains the addictive effects pornography has on the human brain.

Parenting the Porn Generation by Matt Fradd

In this article I explain the grim reality that confronts our children today and offer practical tips about how to parent them wisely on the Internet.

Five Myths About Porn by former porn performer April Garris

Former porn actress April Garris exposes five myths that are commonly believed about the porn industry.

Audio Products

Taking Down Goliath by Matt Fradd

In this audio presentation I share my own story of recovery and suggest five strategies (more detailed than the ones presented here) to get porn out of your life.

The Ugly Truth: Two Former Insiders Expose the Reality Behind the Porn Industry In this audio presentation I conduct two interviews: the first with a former porn actress and the second is with a former Playboy producer. The Ugly Truth is a difficult but edifying listen, and a sobering answer to porn’s lies.

Porn Detox:  by Jason Evert

This CD (also available on iTunes and Amazon MP3) provides great tips to help men conquer their daily temptations with lust, with special emphasis on breaking free from pornography.

5. Patient Perseverance

Finally, be patient with yourself. Remember that the wounds you have received didn’t come about overnight, and the healing won’t take place overnight also. It takes time, perseverance, and determination.

“Have patience with all things,” urges St. Francis de Sales, “but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them—every day begin the task anew.”

Several years ago, as I stood in line for the sacrament of confession, about to confess for the umpteenth time a sin I couldn’t seem to quit, I began to fear that God’s mercy was running out. I didn’t doubt that God would pardon a person who turned to him after a life of the most heinous sins imaginable. What I did doubt was that he would continue to forgive me. How many times have I said, “I will never do this again,” only to return to that sin like a dog to its vomit (2 Pet. 2:22).

At that moment, by God’s grace no doubt, I was reminded of the incident in the gospel of Matthew when Peter approached our Lord with a question:

“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven” (Matt. 18:21-22).

Now what our Lord did not mean was that Peter was to forgive his brother 490 times and then no more. No, rather, “seventy times seven” signified perfection and consistency. It then occurred to me, if God’s forgiveness is not like that—perfect and consistent—then Jesus was commanding Peter to act in a way that was contrary to the nature of God.

The truth is, God is infinite in all of his attributes. In fearing that God’s mercy was slowly evaporating, I was unintentionally making God in my image. If you have ever been tempted to doubt God’s mercy as I did, or if you’re tempted to do that now, please ingrain the following words from St. Claude de la Colombiere into your brain:

“I glorify You in making known how good you are towards sinners, and that your mercy prevails over all malice, that nothing can destroy it, that no matter how many times or how shamefully we fall, or how criminally, a sinner need not be driven to despair of Your pardon… It is in vain that your enemy and mine sets new traps for me every day. He will make me lose everything else before the hope that I have in your mercy.”

Regardless of where you have been or what you have done, be at peace. The same God who forgave Moses the murderer, Rahab the prostitute, David the adulterer, and Peter the denier will forgive you also. All you have to do is seek that forgiveness with a contrite heart. The only sin God won’t forgive is the one you will not ask forgiveness for.

_______________________________

m-fraddMatt Fradd is the author of the new book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who Turned from Porn to Purity. 

By

Are You Finally Ready to be Free? (Part 1)

If you or someone you love struggles with pornography, it’s my hope that the following two blogs will be of help to you as you seek to be free, and seek to be healed.

In this blog I will suggest two approaches, and in my next one I will suggest three, that are proven to help those who want to be free from pornography.

Before we look at these five steps, however, I think it’s important to dispel a myth about purity that many people believe: that it’s a destination. In reality, purity is not so much a destination as it is a daily choice. If you are thinking of purity as a state you’ll arrive at after such and such a time, or once you get your prayer life in order, you will almost certainly remain frustrated and discouraged. Why? Because even after we have come to the Lord we are still left with a fallen human nature and “must still combat the movements of concupiscence that never cease leading us into evil” (CCC 978). Sexual purity involves self-mastery, which is a “long and exacting work [that] one can never consider. . .acquired once and for all. It presupposes renewed effort at all stages of life” (CCC 2342).

That said, the following steps are crucial and, in my humble opinion, indispensable to anyone who is serious about overcoming his porn problem.

1. Prayer

The importance of prayer may seem so obvious, perhaps even trite, that you might think it isn’t worth mentioning. But guess what? When we stop mentioning it, we stop doing it. Many people—perhaps even you—often complain that they just don’t have the time to pray, or can just manage to rattle off an Our Father before bedtime.

Lack of time is a lame excuse, though, for we always find time for that which we love.

Despite our busy schedules we usually find time for TV, Facebook, waiting in line for coffee… and sin. So from now on, don’t say, “I don’t have time to pray.” Be honest and say, “I don’t have the love to pray.”

And then tell our Lord that. Tell him “I don’t have love,” in a similar way to how our Lady told Jesus at the wedding of Cana “they have no wine” (Jn. 2:3). She didn’t make demands of Jesus, she simply stated a fact, trusting that he would act. We should do likewise.

Allow me to suggest three methods of prayer which have been of great help to myself, followed by a short prayer for purity that was written by St. Thomas Aquinas:

The Rosary

“To recite the Rosary,” wrote Pope John Paul II, “is nothing other than to contemplate with Mary the face of Christ.” To commit to praying the rosary, perhaps even daily, is to commit to spending fifteen to twenty minutes in quiet contemplation. Often those who use pornography habitually say they experience an inner disquiet that can make contemplation seem almost impossible. The rosary is a practical and beautiful way to reverse that problem, to begin quieting our minds and our passions.

Some people dismiss the rosary as too simple, a prayer for blue-haired church ladies. Though it’s true that the Rosary is a humble prayer, this is by no means a defect. Consider the humble offering of the young boy who volunteered five barley loaves to our Lord (John. 6:9). That two was a simple offering, but its result was magnificent! In the same way, when we offer the five decades of the rosary through the hands of our Blessed Mother to Jesus, what can he not do?

The famous words of one bishop, Hugh Doyle, are appropriate here: “No one can live continually in sin and continue to say the Rosary: either they will give up sin or they will give up the rosary.”

Scripture

The Word of God is, as Hebrews 4:12 tells us, “living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword.” Memorizing Scripture verses that pertain to purity can be of great help in moments of temptation. Here are over twenty Scripture verses for you to look up:

Purity Temptation Sexual Sin Mercy Spritual
Warfare
Matt 5:8 Jas 1:14-15 Sir 23:18 Mk 2:17 1 Pet 5:8-9
1 Tim 4:12 1 Cor 10:13 1 Thes 4:3-8 Ps 51:1-2 Eph 6:10-17
Phil 4:8 2 Tim 2:22 Mk 9:47 Heb 8:12 John 10:10
Ps 24:3-4 Ps 101:3-4 Ps 51:1-2 Ps 103:12 Rom 12:2
Sir 7:36 Ps 119:9

Fasting

In the battle of the flesh, fasting can also be a powerful way to pray. You could say that prayer without fasting is like boxing with one hand tied behind your back, and that fasting without prayer is, well, dieting. To achieve purity both are needed. “If you are able to fast,” writes St. Francis de Sales, “you will do well to observe some days beyond what are ordered by the Church, for besides the ordinary effect of fasting in raising the mind, subduing the flesh, confirming goodness, and obtaining a heavenly reward, it is also a great matter to be able to control greediness, and to keep the sensual appetites and the whole body subject to the law of the Spirit.”

The vice that often leads to sexual sin is a lack of self-mastery. Fasting from legitimate pleasures, even small ones, builds up that virtue within us. When I get a plate of hot fries I may choose to deny myself salt. When I pour myself a cup of coffee I may choose to deny myself cream or sugar. The regular habit of denying us good things gives us the inner strength to avoid bad ones. Put it this way: If we can’t say no to a cookie or another slice of pizza, how will we ever say no to the temptation to look at pornography?

2. Become Accountable

Accountability means allowing another person to remind you of who you are and who you desire to be. It means being transparent with a trusted friend or mentor about your struggles so that he can offer encouragement and support. It’s an ongoing reminder that no sin is private; that even our hidden choices can have disastrous consequences.

I have never met anyone who was able to break free from porn without accountability. No recovering porn user can be an island! We need each other. If you’re a Catholic then one obvious and necessary way to be accountable is to find a good confessor and stick to him. Don’t “priest hop” because you’re ashamed of confessing the sin again so soon. The priest is not there to judge you but to love you. Confessing to the same priest will be an opportunity to humble yourself while honestly facing the severity of your problem.

One very practical—and in my opinion essential—tool for online accountability is accountability software called Covenant Eyes. Instead of just blocking certain websites (although it has that function also), it monitors all the sites that you visit and then sends a report to your accountability partner (it even monitors the websites behind the advertisements on the site you’re visiting). Online accountability changes your web-surfing mentality: Rather than wondering how you could get around a filter to visit some forbidden-fruit website, you will know that you could visit the website, but that you will be held accountable for it.

When you think about it, isn’t this how the heavenly Father acts towards us? He could “block” us from turning our backs on him and from the pain our sins bring, but he does not. Rather he teaches us right from wrong, and implores us to do what’s right (while giving us the grace necessary to do it). He does not censor our every thought and action because he desires us to grow up to be responsible moral agents: sons and daughters who freely choose what is good.

Covenant Eyes seems to have thought of all the loopholes porn users will think of ahead of time. For example, if you delete your account, view porn and then reinstall your account, your accountability partner will be notified. If the temptation to view porn at any moment threatens to overwhelm you, there is also a “panic button” you can click. Your Internet will be completely disabled; the only way to get it back is to contact the folks at Covenant Eyes.

For a free 30 day trial, use the promo code “pureinheart.”

In my next article we will look at three more approaches to freedom from pornography.

Prayer for Purity by St. Thomas Aquinas

Dear Jesus, I know that every perfect gift, and especially that of chastity, depends on the power of your providence. Without you a mere creature can do nothing. Therefore, I beg you to defend by your grace the chastity and purity of my body and soul. And if I have ever sensed or imagined anything that could stain my chastity and purity, blot it out, Supreme Lord of my powers, that I may advance with a pure heart in your love and service, offering myself on the most pure altar of your divinity
all the days of my life. Amen.

_______________________________

m-fraddMatt Fradd is the author of the new book Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women who Turned from Porn to Purity. 

By

Where are the real men?

I was at an amusement park with my kids recently, where I observed a guy and a girl holding hands. The couple couldn’t have been older than 15.The girl led the guy up to a booth where the goal was to knock over a stack of bottles with a baseball. If you knock over the bottles, you win a big stuffed teddy bear. I watched as the girl looked up at her boyfriend, smiled at him and said, “Will you win me a prize?” The boy took out $5, handed it to her and replied, “you do it.” That was not what this girl had in mind. The girl pleaded with him for a second, but it was no use. She ended up – half-heartedly – throwing the ball herself and left with no prize. The girl was disappointed, the boy was clueless and I was dumbfounded. Someone needed to throw a ball at this boy’s head. This girl had no interest in playing a silly carnival game or winning a big, teddy bear. She wanted this boy to win her heart–and he had failed miserably.

When it comes to love and relationships, I think young men have lost their way. I cannot tell you how many amazing and beautiful young women ask me, “Where do I find a good man?” I never have a good answer for them. Young men have no confidence in leading a woman (unless he is leading her to his bedroom). I once heard of a priest who gave a homily on a college campus where he started out by asking, “How many girls in this Church have been asked out on a date this week?’ After surveying the handful of hands that went up, the priest spent the rest of the homily scolding the young men in the room for not asking girls out on a date.

Why is it so important that young men learn how to lead a woman? Consider these points:

Women want to be led to Heaven.

St. Paul said to husbands, “Love your wives as Christ loves the Church.” Just as Christ invites the Church to “follow him” to Heaven, so do women look to men to be led to Heaven. Seldom will you find a woman that prefers to initiate an invitation for a first date, a marriage proposal, or any other courtship within a relationship. God created men with the purpose of guiding a relationship toward Him, and men today are dropping the ball in this regard.

A man’s own security provides strength and encouragement for women.

In many cases, guys will say that they don’t approach women because of fear of rejection. That fear is what turns women off in the first place. When a man knows where he is going and what he is pursuing (Christ) he will not live approach a potential relationship with fear. Women want men who are secure in who they are and how God made them.

A good man provides witness to others.

One of the reasons why young men are so lost in a relationship is because there are not enough real men to provide a real example of Christian manhood. The problem of manhood will never be solved until more men step up and answer the call to lead. Until then, women will constantly be asking the question, “where are all the real men?”

_______________________________________

everettfritzEverett Fritz works in Catholic Youth Ministry and enjoys speaking on the topics of chastity, discipleship, and youth evangelization. He is the Content Development Coordinator for YDisciple at the Augustine Institute and holds an MA in Pastoral Theology with concentrations in Catechesis and Evangelization from the Augustine Institute. He also holds a BA in Theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Everett resides in Denver with his wife Katrina and their three children.

By

Internet Safety is an Illusion

4 Critical Things Parents Must Do to Protect Their Children from Porn

As Christians, we should be the least naïve people on the planet when it comes to Internet safety. Sadly, this is not often the case.

The notion of that we can totally shield our children from the sexualized culture in which we live is based on the poor assumption that with enough technology, as a parent, I can keep any evil a bay. But for the parents who believe their children are sinners, just as they are sinners, they know this assumption is false. Sinners go looking for sin, and no fence, no matter how high, will keep temptation away for long.

Of course we should use good technology. Of course we should protect our children from incidental exposures to sexualized media. But if this is all we do, we are ignoring the single most significant threat our children face when it comes to purity: their own hearts. “The heart is more devious than any other thing, and is depraved; who can pierce its secrets?” (Jer. 17:9, NJB).

Internet Responsibility vs. Safety

The most important thing parents can do to protect their children from Internet pornography is to prepare them to fight it. Some day they will leave our homes, and as young adults they will have to contend with the forces of darkness. Are you preparing them for that?

That is the difference between Internet safety and Internet responsibility.

  • Internet safety says, “The big, bad Internet is out to get my kids, so I’m going to be the fiercest Intern watchdog I can be.”
  • Internet responsibility says, “The Internet is full of temptations that appeal to the sin in my children’s hearts. I will do all I can to train them so they can eventually be their own watchdogs.”

4 Ways to Train Children

“Never, when you are being put to the test, say, ‘God is tempting me’; God cannot be tempted by evil, and he does not put anybody to the test. Everyone is put to the test by being attracted and seduced by that person’s own wrong desire. Then the desire conceives and gives birth to sin, and when sin reaches full growth, it gives birth to death.” (James 1:13-15, NJB)

Using a metaphor of reproduction, James presents a four-step model to temptation: (1) desire, (2) conception, (3) birth, and (4) death. Let’s apply these to Internet responsibility and purity.

1. Desire: Teach them to guard their hearts

It’s someone’s own desires that are the starting place of all sin. Yes, the world can and does “surprise attack” our kids with sexual images. But in the end, our kids chase after them because they find them alluring. This is where the battle begins.

We need to teach our kids the difference between good desire and inordinate desire. Evil desires are often not for wrong things, but rather misplaced and excessive desires for good things.

Sex is a good thing. It is good, as they come of age, for our kids to want sex. It is not good when that desire becomes an idol: something they are willing to sacrifice God’s standards and another’s dignity to get.

Strengthen your kids’ hearts against pornographic temptation by teaching them about the goodness of sex and how to spot an inordinate desire when it crops up. When they feel that strong desire to go down the road of sexual temptation, they need to have the language to say to themselves, “This is a natural, good desire, but to pursue this now is not God’s way. To stoke the fires of lust is unloving to God, to others, and to myself. Lust does not please God. It treats others as objects. And it takes me away from the kind of loving, self-giving person I want to become. I am turning away from this temptation.” We must teach them to guard their hearts (Prov. 4:23).

2. Conception: Give them new rituals

When the desire to sin is present, what are the online rituals our kids engage in that place them one step closer to the objects of lust? It is different for each child or teen. For some of them, it is the time of day or night they get online. For others, it is getting on Facebook or Instagram. For some, it’s responding to text messages from the opposite sex late at night. For some, it might be particular websites or videos that trip them up.

As you talk with your kids about sexual temptations online, help them identify their rituals that put feet to their sinful desires. These rituals probably look benign on the surface, but underneath them sin is being conceived. They need to be taught “sin contraception”: saying no to the rituals that put them in temptation’s path.

3. Birth: Stop sin at the door

The moment our kids are about to engage in some pornographic sin online (sexual or flirtatious chatting, sexting, looking at pornography or sexual images, etc.), we need to have a plan in place for them to kill their sin. Obviously, if they are revved up to do something sexual online, it’s a little late in the game. But there are still blockades we can put in place to stop sin at the door.

The most obvious one is having good technical measures, like Internet filtering. But this should also be coupled with good Internet monitoring and accountability. If you child is trying to look up sexy stuff online, you should know about it, even if the filter stops him or her from seeing something. You should be getting a report of all their online activities e-mailed to you regularly.

4. Death: Teach them the consequences

If not dealt with, all sexual sin, when it is fully-grown, brings forth death: emotional death, relational death, at times physical death, and ultimately eternal death. As parents we must fortify the hearts of our children with this information.

As children grow into teens with their own sexual curiosities, they need to understand the consequences of sexual sin—beyond just STDs and unplanned pregnancies. They need to learn that online lust robs them of the joy of genuine intimacy and love. Lust is a thief that comes to kill, steal, and destroy.

They need to know that the reason we fight against lust is because we want to fight for joy.

Use stories from Scripture to demonstrate the consequences of unbridled lust (there are plenty of them). Use stories from your own life. Impress on your children that though online sexual temptations look attractive, they are only halfway houses to death (Prov. 7:27).

Impress on them what that genuine intimacy is meant to bring. They need to know: when they are saying no to porn, they are really saying no to death and saying yes to life and joy. Teach them this.

_____________________________________

Luke GilkersonLuke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of Breaking Free, the blog of Covenant Eyes. Luke has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and is working on an MA in Religion. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a campus minister. Luke’s favorite activities include blogging, reading theology books, starting random philosophical discussions, dating his wife Trisha, and playing with his four sons. Luke and his wife blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com.

By

Why I’m Waiting to Have Sex Until I’m Married

My inbox is flooded daily with questions from young women saying, My boyfriend says that if I really love him, I’ll have sex with him. If I don’t have sex with him, I’m afraid he’ll leave me. If I don’t give him what he wants I’m terrified he’ll cheat on me. My boyfriend looks at porn and it makes me feel like I’m not enough. My friends tell me that if I really love him, then I’ll sleep with him. I just want to feel loved and wanted. These are just a few of the things I read daily.

It is my hope that God the Father will inspire you through this post to see your tremendous worth and the dignity that you possess as His child, as well as the sacredness of sex designed for a husband and wife and that you won’t settle for a man who doesn’t pursue, honor and protect you.

Why I’m Waiting to Have Sex:

True story. One time a man told me I was a prude because I said I wasn’t going to have sex until I was married. Guess what I said to him, See ya. Besides, ain’t nobody got time for that disrespect. I’m worth more than that. My worth is something that has taken me a long time to discover and I’m still discovering it. No one ever arrives in life, there is always more to learn.

Want to hear something that might shock you? God created sex. Yup, you heard me right. God Himself designed sex for a husband and wife to bring forth new life into the world and to find delight in each other’s bodies. With this being said, sex should not be taken lightly. Has it been easy to be 27 and not have had sex? No. Have I been tempted to have sex? Yes. But Christ Himself was tempted, but didn’t sin. And this is the standard we have been called to attain. Of course we are human and will fall, but we must seek God’s forgiveness and begin again when this happens.

When I first heard about God’s plan for our sexuality I was captivated and sought out more of His Truth. This is when I learned about what I was worth and how I am worth a man who will stand up and heroically protect my purity (and of course vice versa). So just because I am waiting to have sex until I’m married doesn’t mean I haven’t been tempted. But this is the beauty of chastity, as chastity is simply an ordered approach to love. God has placed that desire on my heart for me to give myself to my future husband and I trust He will fulfill that desire, but with a man who has made a life time commitment to me. My sexuality is one of the greatest gifts I am saving for him and only him.

I will only give myself to my future husband and a man who can say the following to me. I have taken you in my arms, and I love you, and I prefer you to my life itself. For the present life is nothing, and my most ardent dream is to spend it with you in such a way that we may be assured of not being separated in the life reserved for us. I place your love above all things, and nothing would be more bitter or painful to me than to be of a different mind than you. – St. John Chrysostom, on what a husband should say to his bride

The Wound:

The most pandemic wound of our world is fatherlessness. Every little girl yearns to be pursued by her father. She desires to be wanted. She asks the questions, Do you delight in me? Am I worth fighting for? Do you want me? Do you see me? Do you value me? Am I beautiful? Am I enough? When these questions are answered through a father appropriately loving, touching, kissing and affirming his daughter she doesn’t need to run off with the first boy who finds her attractive.

But when these questions aren’t answered in an appropriate way, she seeks to find these answers on her own. When a father doesn’t give his daughter the attention and love she craves, her need for male acceptance is bottomless. Often times these unanswered questions lead to eating disorders, depression and promiscuity to name a few.

My advise to you, don’t search for your father’s love everywhere, find it in the Father.

Our Sexualized Culture:

Take for example a Victoria Secret model: Yes, Victoria Secret models are physically attractive and there is nothing wrong with physical beauty. God Himself created women to be this way, but physical beauty on its own lacks depth. God created women to inspire a sense of charm and wonder in a man. And this is very good, for this is God’s design.

Every woman yearns to be seen for more than her physical beauty. Because let’s be real, there is more to a woman than her appearance. But how can men see our hearts if we bare our flesh first? A woman’s body was not created to be flaunted on a runway wearing lingerie. Lingerie is for a woman’s husband, not a runway.

Similarly, People magazine can put a half-naked woman on the cover of their magazines and claim she wins the most beautiful woman of the year award. This is not true. Modesty reveals a woman’s inner beauty for the world to see, while preserving her body for her husband in the holy sacrament of marriage. Our culture has lost this sense of sacredness for the human body and the marital embrace. Typically, a bride and groom don’t see each other on their wedding day, so why would they look at each other’s bodies before they make their vows?

The Science Behind Sex:

Science proves that breaking up from a sexual relationship is more difficult than a non-sexual relationship. When a man and woman have sex there are many chemical processes that take place, for example the brain produces dopamine during sex, which is an exceedingly powerful chemical. Dopamine is responsible for internal pleasure and when a man and woman have sex it produces a bond that is not easily forgotten.

Oxytocin is also produced in great quantities, which is a very strong hormone produced mainly in women when they have sex, deliver their baby and are nursing. This is why sex is for bonding and babies and why mothers have such a profound bond with their baby. Oxytocin is also one of the reasons why a woman will stay with a man who is abusing her, because she is literally bonded with him.

The chemical that bonds a man to a woman is vasopressin and it has the same effect as oxytocin. This is why God designed sex for marriage, because it literally binds a husband and wife together. One might pose the question, Well I think I’m going to marry him or her anyway so we might as well have sex, right? Wrong. When you have sex you are bonding with your partner, therefore disrupting the discernment process. Sex will unite you together regardless and this is why there is so much heartache in our society today and one of the reasons why one night stands never work. Because now there is such an emotional attachment, but no life long commitment.

Healing:

One of the greatest treasures Blessed John Paul II left to the world is his book –Theology of the Body. In it he talks about the human person and explains how God is made manifested through humanity. Theology of the Body delves into what it truly means to be a man and woman, our sexuality and how we should live out our masculinity and femininity in accords with how God created us. If we yearn to be the best version of ourselves, then we must embrace the unique qualities of our gender. To do this we must go back to the very beginning when God created us. Genesis 1:27 tells us, God created man in His image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 

God created us out of love, for us to love and be loved. The way in which this love is expressed and revealed is different for men and women, which is how God in His infinite wisdom designed it to be. And it is the unique characteristics of men and women that enable this love to come to fruition. We exist to complement one another, a man as the pursuer and the woman as the receiver. In Theology of the Body, Blessed John Paul II tells us that we are called to exist as a gift for one another. He describes this gift as a sincere gift of self, and it is only when we lay down our life for another in this way that we will experience genuine fulfillment.

In order to understand God’s plan for humanity in our fallen world we must go back to the beginning and see what God intended for us. It is only when we do this that we will be filled with hope and peace. In the beginning of time after God created the world he saw that it wasn’t good for man to be alone, thus He created woman. Eve was created as a sincere gift for Adam, and Adam as a gift for her. They were created to complement one another in their union, each to offer themselves to the other as a gift.

Our society today has lost sight of this quintessential ideal due to selfishness. Our culture is plagued with violation and unrest due to a hook up mentality, lack of chastity, self-control, pornography and a genuine lack of respect for the dignity of the human person.

What to Do:

God designed a woman to be of great charm and mystery. And when a woman cherishes her sexuality she reflects this beauty and appeal in a unique way. Ladies, conceal the beautiful mystery of your bodies for your worth is indescribable. I want to lovingly encourage you to wait for sex until you’re married and if you have made a mistake, then go to confession and begin again. God the Father sent His Son into the world to die for you and He yearns to shower you with His love and mercy. The same applies for men. There is no sin too great for Him to forgive. He is waiting for you to come to Him. He delights in you.

Don’t ever conform to immorality to attract a man. You are worth more than that. In fact, your worth is beyond human comprehension. God created the universe, surely He didn’t forget about your future. Every woman yearns for a man who is going to protect and cherish her. My question for you is: are you conducting yourself in such a way to attract a virtuous man?

And remember, you are worth waiting for. You are worth a man who will fight for you. A man who will protect and cherish you. A man who will truly keep you safe in ever sense of the word. Wait for a man to honor you for the beautiful gift that you are. The man God has for you won’t pressure you to have sex, he will wait patiently until your wedding night, so you can both give yourselves to each other as a sincere gift of self.

If you are dating someone right now who does not fit this description and pressures you – DUMP HIM! YOU ARE WORTH WAITING FOR!

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. – Proverbs 31

P.S. You are enough.

(Used with permission from www.madeinhisimage.org)

—–

ENGAGED? Check out Emily Wilson’s video course for brides-to-be!

________________________________________________________________

mauraMaura Byrne is a former Division 1 runner and soccer player. She loves the ocean, surfing, swimming, running, California, anything adventurous, J.crew, gerber daisies, wine, baking, gourmet cooking, and serving the poor and dying in India. She lives in San Diego, CA, and founded the ministry www.madeinhisimage.org, to help offer healing for women suffering from eating disorders, physical, and or sexual abuse, which entails, educating all women on the nature and dignity of the human person, created in the image and likeness of God.

 

By

10 Ways to Make Sure Your Kids Are Sucked into a Porn Culture

To quote the excellent book by Pamela Paul, “The all-pornography, all-the-time mentality is everywhere in today’s pornified culture” (Pornified: How Pornography is Damaging Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families).

It isn’t merely that young people with an Internet connection have free access to porn all the time (which is true), and it isn’t just that pornography has left the shadows and come into the spotlight of pop culture (which is also true). We find pop culture actually mimicking pornography. One only needs to see the front covers of magazines and watch music videos of performers at the top of the music charts to find evidence of this.If you want to make sure your kids become influenced by our pornified culture, here are 10 sure-fire ways to make sure that will happen.

1. Buy them (or let them buy) unmonitored devices.

Mobile devices are now one of the most popular ways to access porn. Nearly 1 in 5 searches done on mobile devices are for porn. About 90% of boys and 70% of girls, ages 13-14, have reported accessing porn at least once the previous year, and 35% of boys reported viewing porn online “too many times to count.” If you want your kids to be included in these numbers, make sure to get them devices, and set no limits.

2. Encourage the expectation of secrecy when it comes to using the Internet.

About 71% of teens have done something to hide their online behavior from their parents. Kids need their privacy, right? So, if you want to make sure they can watch porn unhindered, by all means, don’t pry in on their online lives. Make sure they keep their passwords for e-mail and social media a secret from you. Let them take their laptops to their bedrooms for long hours.

And of course, don’t install monitoring or accountability software to keep track of what they do online. This is just an invasion of privacy.

3. Avoid the subject of sex at all costs.

What parent wants to talk about sex? Too awkward. Don’t worry about it. Your kids will just figure it out. After all, no one ever talked to you, and you turned out okay. If you want your children to be drawn to the sex education that porn gives them, give them no sexual ed yourself. Never talk about the divine purpose of sex, the pleasure of sex, or the goodness of sex. The more squeamish you can be about the subject, the better.

4. And by all means, never talk about porn.

Whoa, there. If talking about sex is awkward, then porn is really off-limits. Make sure your kids never hear you say the words “lust” or “masturbation.” You should never draw their attention to the sexualized media around them to talk about why it is against God’s standard or exploitative. Never talk about the P word (p-p-pornography, I can barely type it). It is best just to let them stumble on it without preparation. This will encourage them to look at it more.

5. Don’t be romantic around your spouse.

One the best ways to prepare your child’s mind for porn is to never give them an alternative to it. Men, by all means, never kiss your wife in front of the kids, dance with her in the living room, compliment her, buy her flowers, or take her out for romantic dates. The best way to prep your sons and daughters for the fantasy world of porn is to squash any hopes that marriage will ever be fulfilling.

6. Just be your child’s friend.

Who wants to be that kind of parent—always making rules and expectations, following through with consequences? Yikes. Talk about a step back in time. Just be your child’s friend. A great way to make sure they are ripe for porn is to ensure they have a low view of authority. That way when they are presented with God’s law about sex or sin, they won’t think too much of it.

7. Be a critical parent.

Porn often becomes a habit when it becomes a place to run for refuge, an activity where our kids can escape from the harsh realities of life. Porn is a place to “feel good,” if only for a little bit. A great way to make sure porn (or some other escapist vice) becomes a place of refuge is to make sure your home is not. Whenever you can, be critical of your kids. Don’t be too encouraging.

8. Show them that a woman’s worth is bound up with her sex appeal.

Dads, if you want your sons to watch porn, make sure you ogle women on TV or around town. Moms, if you want your daughters to be drawn to sexual media, make sure you make a lot of references to your own looks: your weight, your bust size, your clothing. Make sure your kids hear you loud and clear: a woman is worth more if she meets our society’s standards of perfection. That way when your kids find those “perfect women” in porn, they will be more likely to keep watching.

9. Make sure you ignore the fact that your daughter is a sexual being.

A great way to make sure your daughter is caught up in the pornified culture is to ignore her own sexual development. Let your daughter navigate her insecurities and sexual feelings on her own. About a quarter of young girls, on at least one occasion, will spend 30 consecutive minutes or more viewing pornography online. In adulthood, 20-30% of women end up becoming regular consumers of pornography or participants in sexually explicit chat rooms. And girls are actually more likely than boys to become someone else’s pornography through the sending or nude or semi-nude pictures of videos of themselves online.

10. Watch porn yourself.

This is a great way to make sure your kids will eventually watch porn: poison your own mind with it. Even if your kids never find out, the years of porn-viewing will spill over into your attitudes and beliefs, rendering you incapable of effectively talking to your kids about sex.

BONUS #11: Don’t buy this DVD

UNFILTERED: Equipping Parents for an Ongoing Conversation about Internet Pornography is the newest resource available from Covenant Eyes teaching parents about the having this conversation. The DVD workshop has information from some of today’s top educators about this subject. Whatever you do, if you want your kids to watch porn (and keep watching it), then don’t buy this DVD.

If you’re one of those parents who actually wants to prepare your kids for our pornified culture, then enter our drawing below. Covenant Eyes will be giving away three free copies. Click here for for details.

_________________________

Luke GilkersonLuke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of Breaking Free, the blog of Covenant Eyes. Luke has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and is working on an MA in Religion. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a campus minister. Luke’s favorite activities include blogging, reading theology books, starting random philosophical discussions, dating his wife Trisha, and playing with his four sons. Luke and his wife blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com.

 

By

How does a woman break free from pornography?

The thing about breaking free from lust is just that, you don’t just break free. It isn’t a wall to be torn down, or a window to be broken. It’s not a bad habit to shake. It can’t be throw in the trash can, or poured out on the ground. Lust becomes a part of you.  You don’t break free from lust; you have to get untangled.

I spent eight years of my life battling a pornography addiction. That was just the pornography. It didn’t include the masturbation, lust, or the world of fantasy I had created. I thought when I finally stopped doing it I would be able to live life normally. I waited for that one moment – the moment when it clicked, when my heart, mind, and body all got the memo. I waited for the moment when I could say, This! This is the moment I was finally free.

I set out on a journey for that moment, only to find that there isn’t a moment. Freedom is not a moment. Freedom is, in fact, the journey.

So many women write me sharing their own struggles with pornography, lust, masturbation, and fantasy. They ask me, How can I be free? I hate that I don’t have six simple steps to give them. There just isn’t one. Every woman’s struggle is as unique as her story. Behind her addiction to lust could be the broken-hearted daughter from a torn family, or a frightened victim of sexual assault.

Lust never comes alone, and it doesn’t just affect our bodies. It affects our bodies, minds, and, ultimately, our hearts. Lust twists love, trust, satisfaction, and God. It messes with everything. When a woman is searching for freedom, she isn’t asking, “How can I stop looking at pornography? What she is really asking is, How can I be whole again?

It’s a good thing for us that God is in the business of making women whole again. If we are willing, He will work that same redemptive grace in our lives, but we have to be in it for the long haul. We have to understand that it isn’t just the lust. He won’t stop there. He will dig down into the depths of our broken heart to fix how we view others, life, and ourselves. This is a major overhaul, but certainly worth it! So how do we start?

First, you need to tell someone. I know that can seem like the scariest thing. Many of us would rather swim in a pool of snakes than share this type of struggle with someone. However, it is important for us to tell someone who can offer us specific counsel and help us work through the underlying issues. That may be a Christian counselor, your mom, a woman in your church, a friend.  You need to get this sin out into the light.

Second, don’t be afraid of pain. Many women turn to lust, pornography, masturbation, and fantasy in order to cope with pain in their lives. We haven’t learned proper coping mechanisms. Remember that our Saviour experienced human emotion. We live in a fallen world – a world of pain – and it is OK for you to feel disappointed, hurt, frustrated, broken, etc. When you acknowledge that, it can be healed!

Third, know your triggers. Every woman’s struggle is different. Something that triggers your struggle may have no effect on someone else. Perhaps it’s an emotion, a time of day, a certain situation, a certain movie or book, a song, or even a smell. Try and figure out what your triggers are. This helps you avoid them but it can also point to root causes of your struggle.

Last, and most important, take it one step at a time. So often, we can look at a goal and think, Oh, I can never get there, so we never even try. When you are trapped in the depths of pornography or lust, freedom can feel impossible. It can feel like you will never be able to be normal. I promise you, though, God is more than able to free you, heal you, and restore you! It is His desire to conform you to the beautiful, pure image of His Son. Let Him perform that change in you – one step at a time.

____________________

Jessicah

By Jessica Harris | Founder of Beggar’s Daughter  (Used with Permission from MadeInHisImage.org). Visit Jessica’s website for additional resources – Beggar’s Daughter. And “like” her facebook page to stay up to date with the amazing things she is doing.

 

By 10 Comments

The Pledge Card

I consciously gave my life to Jesus when I was 14 years old. I didn’t know all there was to know about the faith (still don’t) but I knew a few important things: I shouldn’t steal stuff, I shouldn’t lie, I should go to Church every Sunday, and I should save sex for marriage. So I made a commitment to stay a virgin until I got married.

Sounds noble, right? Well, in the spirit of full disclosure I must admit that at that age no girl had even remotely desired to sleep with me. I was the freshman in high school who shows up and you wonder who let the sixth graders in. Girls didn’t find me attractive and I didn’t like them much either (being a fan of a lot of D&D and fantasy books, my ideal woman was an Elven princess who knew karate and was good with a knife—a standard most 13 and 14 year old Catholic school girls don’t live up to).

As time went on, I did attract some girlfriends (playing guitar helped) and I entered the exciting world of male/female romance.

How did I do? Not well. My sincere apologies to those who had the misfortune of dating me.

The biggest thing that hindered positive relationships for me was I understood virginity but hadn’t a clue about chastity. Chastity is the virtue of sexual purity. I might not have had sex… but I wasn’t sexually pure either. And so I really made a mess of things, hurting myself and the women I dated.

A turning point came in 1994. I had just graduated college and was dating a wonderful Christian girl. I had it in my mind that she might be THE ONE and we had even entertained some conversations about marriage. We both loved the Lord and prayed together but were clearly confused about the chastity thing.

Then I went to a conference where I heard a speaker give an amazing talk about what chastity really was. It was not a restriction—it was a gift! God desires us to live in purity so we can have the greatest expression (and experience) of love. As I looked back on my life, I realized how things were at the worst when I was at my most unchaste. Chastity was there to protect beautiful relationships, while sexual activity confuses and destroys them.

I was thrilled to hear the truth. I felt so liberated! They passed out “Chastity Pledge” cards and I hastily filled one out, putting my name and the date on it. I got an extra one for my girlfriend, bought her a copy of the talk on cassette (yes, that’s what we used back then) and mailed it to her with great excitement. She also loved the message and we committed ourselves to a pure and chaste relationship. I was more convinced than ever that she was THE ONE.

Six months later we broke up.

Sexual activity is like a drug and when we got “sober” we realized that there were things about each other that were downright annoying. I was thankful to realize this, at least in my mind. But my heart was furious. I desired love. I thought she was THE ONE. And that stupid card blew it!

18 months later, I dated another girl with bright blue eyes and curly hair. I finally understood with her what it meant to have a chaste relationship and I wished I had been that way with every relationship I had! One day, after a few months of dating, we were praying together when I opened my bible and the Pledge Card fell out.

Though I had not forgotten my commitment to be chaste, I forgot the card was there. I remember feeling embarrassed to see it. I’m not sure why. I wasn’t embarrassed about my commitment to chastity—this girl had the same commitment. Maybe it was because it reminded me of her, THE ONE. I signed that card thinking it would bless and protect the relationship I had with the girl I thought would be my future wife. Instead, it destroyed it.

My new girlfriend picked up the card and it looked as though she was going to cry. She reached in her bible and pulled out her chastity pledge card. “Look!” she said. I nodded. She had a Pledge Card, too. Lots of people had.

She could tell I was missing her point. “Look closer,” she said, handing me both cards.

I looked at them. They weren’t just both pledge cards, they were the exact same card. From the same conference. On the same date.

When I was in one corner of the room, committing myself to God and my future spouse to stay pure for my marriage, she was in another corner of the room, pledging the same thing.

We were married a year later.

Our God is a God of faithfulness. “‘Yes, I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace, not for disaster, to give you a future full of hope.’” (Jeremiah 29:11) When we give Him the most intimate parts of our lives, He gives us His most intimate blessing. So, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I share this personal story with you to give you hope. God has an amazing plan for your life. No matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been, God can get you on the right path to the fullness of life He has planned for you.

(This story is one of the devotionals of “The 40-Day Spiritual Workout for Catholics” which you can get for free at http://40days.steubenville.org)

____________________

bobr

Bob Rice desires to share the love of God using every talent he’s been blessed with. He’s an internationally known speaker, acclaimed musician, inspirational teacher, and innovative writer. Bob teaches at Franciscan University of Steubenville, Ohio where he lives with his wife Jennifer and seven beautiful children. You can keep up with him at bob-rice.com.

By

The Story Behind the Photo

I made this blog because a photo of my husband and I has gone viral on the internet. I wanted to share the story behind the photo for the hundreds of thousands of people who found inspiration through this sweet moment we had.

The Story Behind the Photo

Moments before I was to walk down the aisle my soon to be mother in law came in the dressing room where my bridesmaids and I were all gushing with giggles and fluttering about finishing last minute details.

“Sweetheart, your groom has called for you!”.

In a nervous tizzy I said, “What?! I’m not ready! I have to get my shoes and…” She had already taken my hand and led me to a corner, where my groom was waiting. I barely sat down; I was filled with so much anticipation! So much excitement! So many nerves!

“Is he going to like my dress? Does my hair look pretty? Can he see me?!”

Right around the corner sat my soon to be husband, I so was nervous he might see me yet secretly hoping to catch a glimpse of him. In my excited state I was the first to speak,

“Hi sweetie! We’re getting married today!”

“I know baby and I want to pray with you before we do.”

There we sat around the corner hand in hand, and together we bowed our heads. People were rushing about; the wedding coordinator directing people here and there, the photographers snapping photos and the bridal party enjoying each others company. Yet in that moment, in the quietness of our hearts and minds, my husband and I were alone in the presence of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

My husband prayed that God would bless our marriage, that through thick or thin together we would never lose hope in one another. That instead of focusing on each others imperfections we would always rely on Christ’s perfection. That we would wake up every day and chose to love one another not through our own strength but by the power of Christ’s perfect love.

With our hands clenched tightly to one another together we said “Amen”, both with shaky voice and just like that I was whisked away to blot the tears off my face and put on my veil.

After my bridesmaids, mother, mother-in-law and every other girl in the room had finished zipping, curling, tucking and blushing me up I looked in the mirror. There I stood wearing my pure white wedding dress, ready to walk down the aisle to my Prince Charming.

See, he is not only my Prince Charming because of his incredibly handsome looks, or wonderful humor, or the fact that we have so much in common. He is my Prince Charming because he helped me protect the most precious gift that I owned, my purity.

Soon after we had started dating I nervously told my Prince that I was a virgin and planned to be until the night of my wedding; to which he replied he would have it no other way.

Throughout our dating relationship and engagement we constantly fought, what at times felt like a losing battle. We fought temptation with prayer, scripture and accountability. I had friends checking up on me if they knew we were together late at night and he regularly met with other Godly men to pray for strength. At times, especially as the wedding grew closer, we thought we were attempting to do the impossible.

“Why are we doing this?” I would ask in my weakness, and he would remind me, that it’s because God had told us to.

“I can’t do it, I can’t… this is too hard!” he would confess to me and I would pray for his strength.

When I walked down the aisle in my white dress, I looked straight into the eyes of the man that had laid himself down to protect and honor the wife that God had given him.

When his eyes first caught mine he looked into the face of the woman that had waited for him, the woman that would support him and love him for the rest of His life, through good times and bad.

I share all of this because in that prayer we prayed, which was captured here on camera we asked the Lord to use our wedding to bring Him all of the glory that He rightfully deserved. We had not gotten where we were by our own strength, but by His hand of protection on our relationship.

God has used this photo to inspire hundreds of thousands of people already and for that we are humbled and honored! I wanted to take it a step further and give God praise and thanks for how we arrived at that quiet corner, holding hands and ready to begin our lives together.

____________

Originally posted by Bre, at her blog: The Power of Prayer 

By 5 Comments

What’s Natural Law got to Do With It?

Article 3 of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act), which affirmed the federal definition of marriage as a union between one man and one woman, was overturned last month, further paving the way for “gay marriage” to become the law of the land.

Here’s the catch, and why I’m not overly distressed: the gay marriage movement can’t really “win.” That’s because the definition of marriage isn’t rooted in bigotry or in some antiquated religious ideal. It’s rooted in natural law, and natural law isn’t going anywhere.

To clarify, “natural law” is not “the stuff we see occurring in nature.” If we were to take animal behavior as the gold standard for human ethics we might find ourselves in a bit of trouble. Natural law refers to the moral code written on the human heart. It enables us to “read” the law that can be found in the very nature and design of things.

Marriage, as we’ve always known it, wasn’t invented by a group of bishops. It arose from the nature of our procreating bodies. Long before it was etched into legal documents or canon law, marriage was etched into our flesh.

At the risk of over-simplifying this: one can almost imagine, tens of thousands of years ago, cavemen “discovering” that the sex drive is ordered, by its nature, to the union of man and woman so that they can carry on the human race. Since children come from sex and demand so much responsibility, a caveman probably had to swear to commit to that woman before the other people in the cave, lest the cave chief hit him with a club for turning cave life into chaos—and marriage was born!

It’s no accident that marriage has been between a man and woman and has involved a public ritual in virtually every culture throughout history. (Even in ancient Sparta where homosexual activity wasn’t considered taboo, men didn’t marry one another.) That’s not because all cultures have been in intolerant or homophobic. It’s because marriage arose from the nature of our procreating bodies.

As important as the affection a couple shares is, that’s not why marriage has been enshrined and protected by public vows, rituals and laws throughout history—as if marriage were some glorified form of dating. Affection doesn’t require a lifelong, legally binding commitment. That’s overkill. Children do. The institution of marriage is about them. The reason the act that consummates a marriage speaks volumes isn’t because of strong feelings, it’s because, by its nature, it is ordered to new life which requires no less than the lifelong commitment of the parents. (And that “body language” between husband and wife remains, even if by some genetic accident conception is impossible.) Gay marriage is a final severing of that ideal. It’s the lifeless fruit of the sexual revolution. It’s all about us adults now.

Of course it’s easier for the proponents of gay marriage to overlook discussions of natural law or the good of children, label us “bigots” and be done with it. According to Justice Scalia, that’s exactly what the Supreme Court has done. “It is one thing for a society to elect change,” he said, “it is another for a court of law to impose change by adjudging those who oppose it hostis humani generis, ‘enemies of the human race.’”

Though we fail to live up to that label. In the 2,000-year history of the Church you won’t find a single bishop on record calling for physical violence against gays. I don’t “hate” or “fear” people with same-sex attraction. Nor does any Catholic clergyman I’ve ever met. I’ve had close friends who were living a gay lifestyle. While I disagree with some of their choices, judging their souls is above my pay grade. What we take issue with is the idea of gay marriage, not “gay” people. What we take issue with is a redefinition of marriage, not things like hospital visitation rights.

Those who fight for gay marriage tell us all they want is equality, and some of them are well-intentioned people who mean that sincerely. But equality isn’t how this will end, and the left wing of the gay movement doesn’t intend for it to end there. When you’ve beaten the opposition by labeling them “bigots,” they don’t end up being equals. What they’re after is a crushing victory of a new definition of marriage over a definition based on natural law and affirmed by divine law (Scripture). Don’t believe me? David Parker does. He was put in handcuffs for his unbending refusal to have his kindergartener taught about same-sex marriage in the classroom in Massachusetts. So does Pastor Stephen Boissoin who was sued for writing about marriage in Canada (it took him several years of costly legal battles to fight that suit). So do the good people at Ocean Grove Methodist Camp, which lost part of its tax exempt status for refusing to let its grounds be used for gay marriage in New Jersey. The list goes on and on.

The tragedy for the gay movement is that no matter how many laws we pass or people we silence, same-sex couples can never have “equality” if by equality they mean, “the same thing that mixed gender couples share.” They can never enjoy the one-flesh union that since the dawn of mankind has consummated marriage and carried on the human race. This act has profound meaning not just because it’s an expression of affection, but because—by its nature—it is ordered to something as profound as new life, which demands so much commitment. The act itself, which only man and woman can share, speaks a vow. And for all our attempts to re-write marriage law, we can’t re-write the language of our bodies. If that’s discriminatory, then nature is discriminatory.

And here’s the catch: thanks to natural law, we all kind of know that on some level.

When people claim that the natural function of our body parts seems, to them, wildly irrelevant when it comes to sexual ethics, or that they just can’t see the difference between the sexual union of a man and woman and the sexual “union” of two women, or that the complementarity of the sexes strikes them as utterly meaningless—they’re either kidding themselves, or they’ve done a lifetime of hard work to hide the truth from their intellects.

But our new social structures won’t erase the truth written in hearts and bodies. And the new “tolerant inquisition” gaining steam that seeks to silence us with accusations of “hate speech” and “discrimination” for talking about things like natural law and the common good won’t stop us from speaking the truth in love. (If we’re persecuted for that, so be it. We Christians live for persecution.)

In that light, very little has changed.

__________________________

c-stefanickChris Stefanick is the co-aothor of  Do I Have to Go? (about the Mass), Raising Pure Teens, and Absolute Relativism. His written word also reaches tens of thousands monthly through his popular, nationally syndicated column. This 14-year Youth Ministry veteran served at a parish in the East LA area, as Director of Youth and Young Adult Ministry for the Diocese of Lacrosse, and as Director of Youth, Young Adult and Campus Ministry for the Archdiocese of Denver. He is currently founder and President of Real Life Catholic—a nonprofit organization dedicated to reengaging a generation. Above all, Chris is proud to be a husband and father to six beautiful children.

By

How to Fight Porn Addiction Like Saint Augustine

Augustine was no stranger to lust. In fact, if he was living in today’s world, he might even describe himself as an addict. He writes in his Confessions:

…I was bound not with the iron of another’s chains, but with my own iron will. The enemy held my will; and of it he made a chain and bound me. Because my will was perverse it changed to lust, and lust yielded to become habit, and habit not resisted became necessity.

Necessity. He felt as if he needed sexual pleasure.

Sex is Life?

I can identify with Augustine. What fed my addiction to porn more than anything was the lie that sex was life. I was single at the time, and I had bought into the lie that sex was a basic, fundamental “need” of which I was deprived. To hear that God wanted me to give up porn sounded like God wanted me to give up life itself. Moreover, I got angry with God for creating me with such strong cravings and then ripping the candy out of my hand like a capricious father.

I had to learn that sex, though good and pleasurable, is not life. The desire for sex and intimacy is good, but even the best intimacy in marriage was designed by God to be a reflection of something greater.

A Bigger Vision

What brought about the change in Augustine’s heart? In his Confessions he writes of a day that his soul so was tormented by his own sin that a mighty storm arose in him, bringing on a flood of tears. As he cried he could hear the sound of a child’s voice singing in the distance, “Take and read, take and read.” He took it as a sign from God to find his copy of the Scriptures and read the first thing his eyes fell upon.

This is exactly what he did. He grabbed his copy of the book of Romans and his eyes landed on Romans 13:13-14, “Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.”

Augustine writes that as he ended the sentence, “a light of utter confidence shone in my heart, and all the darkness of uncertainty vanished away.” From that day forward, he committed his life to serving Christ.

Sex Addiction is About Faith

The faith rose in Augustine’s heart that day was an unshakable confidence that Christ was more than enough to satisfy his restless heart. The only way he could live out the commands of Romans 13:13-14—rejecting all lust and sensuality—was to embrace the all-satisfying words “put on the Lord Jesus Christ.”

This is what breaking free from lust looks like: not just rejecting the pleasures of lust but embracing the greater pleasures of God.

We chase after porn because it is promising us something and we buy into those promises. In his fantastic book, Closing the Window, Dr. Tim Chester identifies six promises the fantasy world of porn often makes to its viewers:

  1. Respect. If we feel inadequate or rejected, our sinful hearts often crave human respect, and porn offers that fantasy. In the fantasy world, we are worshipped by fantasy women or men. Porn gives us an eroticized world where we are man enough or woman enough to capture the respect of others by our sexual prowess.
  2. Relationship. We desire intimacy, but we don’t like its risks. We want to be close to others, but we don’t want to be vulnerable. We want a real relationship, but we want to be the one in control. Porn gives us this illusion: we can feel “connected” but not have all the mess of a real relationship.
  3. Refuge. In times of hardship or fear of failure, we want to relieve our stresses. When life is getting hard we want somewhere to escape, we want to pretend to be someone else or somewhere else. Porn gives us a fantasy world where we are never a failure: you always get the girl or guy.
  4. Reward. In times when we are bored or when we feel like we’ve made great sacrifices, we often want to reward ourselves. This sense of entitlement drives us back again and again to the world of fantasy where our overworked minds and underappreciated egos can “get what we deserve.”
  5. Revenge. In times of frustration and anger, we might turn to porn as an act of revenge against another person (like our spouse who isn’t having sex with us when we want) or against God (who isn’t giving us the life we want). Porn is our tantrum at the world that isn’t catering to our desires.
  6. Redemption. In times of guilt and self-loathing, the fantasy world of porn offers false redemption. If we are feeling guilty, pornography says, “You’re okay just the way you are. Nothing about you needs to change.” If we are mired in self-hatred, porn is our way of punishing ourselves. “This is the shameful life I deserve,” we say to ourselves. Porn is a way to indulge our dark world of self-pity.

These are the false promises of porn, and for each person it is a little different. Just one of these might ring true for some people. For others, several or all of them ring true.

But when it comes to breaking free, we need the better promises of the gospel to trump the power of sin. Breaking free from lust is ultimately about faith: will you believe God or porn?

Better Promises

Dr. Tim Chester shows us how the gospel can overcome the power of sin.

  1. Respect. If we feel inadequate or rejected, we must remember that God is the one who offers us genuine acceptance through Christ. The men or women in the fantasy do not know you. They do not love you. Christ does. We must repent of needing the approval of others (what the Bible calls “the fear of man”), pursue God’s glory above all (1 Corinthians 10:31), and anticipate the glory he promises to those who trust him (John 5:44). His approval is far better than the approval of men or women made of pixels on a screen.
  2. Relationship. When we desire intimacy with others, but we fear the risk, we need to run to God as a Father who is sovereign over our relationships. Relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. Emotions are messy. But God promises that everything we go through will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God can and will take all our relationships—even our failed ones—and use them to conform us to the image of his Son (v.29). Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security of digital sex.
  3. Refuge. When we are stressed or when life gets hard, God is our true refuge, our rock, fortress, deliverer, and stronghold (Psalm 18:1-3). No matter what our circumstances are, next to the mountain-shaking, thunder-breathing God, our problems are no match for him (v.7-13). Instead of medicating our bruises with fantasy, we can escape into him, casting all our cares on him because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:6-7).
  4. Reward. When we are itching for pleasure and excitement, we should run to God who is our living water. The well of porn is empty, and time will tell how little it satisfies, but God is our fountain of living water (Jeremiah 2:13). Instead of rushing to the quick fix of porn, we should cultivate a life of communion with God, through prayer, fasting, meditating on his Word, and worship. We should cultivate a longing for the eternal reward of living with him forever, rejecting the temporary pleasures of sin (Hebrews 11:24-26).
  5. Revenge. When we are angry that God is not giving us the life we want, we are like the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:29-31). We consider our sacrifices, our obedience, and our devotion, and we believe God “owes” us something. But God does not relate to us this way: he relates to us as a loving Father. We are not God’s servants, but his sons and daughters. When we do not get what we want, we must focus our faith on God who knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows exactly what blessings are best for us in his perfect timing.
  6. Redemption. In times of guilt or shame, we need to run to God who freely forgives us of all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). We won’t find redemption by ignoring our sin or by trying to punish ourselves. We need to look to Christ, our perfect High Priest: “by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified” (Hebrews 10:14). When we are reminded of our guilt and failures, we must repeat the words Jesus uttered on the cross: “It is finished” (John 19:30).

Augustine’s Joy

Prior to his powerful conversion, Augustine felt the duplicity in his heart. He recalls his prayer, “I willed to worship you freely and to enjoy you, O God, the only certain Joy.” This is how he defeated lust: by making God the supreme joy of his life.

_________________________

Luke GilkersonLuke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of Breaking Free, the blog of Covenant Eyes. Luke has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and is working on an MA in Religion. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a campus minister. Luke’s favorite activities include blogging, reading theology books, starting random philosophical discussions, dating his wife Trisha, and playing with his four sons. Luke and his wife blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com.

GET ANSWERS
listen to the podcast