Blog

October 6, 2021 By Jason Evert

15 Tips to Stay Hooked on Porn

I’ve lost count of how many men and women have asked me how to break free from porn. Usually, I offer what advice I can, and then recommend they view the videos, blogs, and articles on our site, here. However, because I’ve spent so much time telling people how to stop looking at porn, I figured it was time to write a blog offering all the best tips for how to remain trapped in a porn addiction for as long as possible.

Why would I do such a thing?

About 75 years ago, C.S. Lewis penned the book Screwtape Letters. In it, he crafted a fictional series of letters between one demon (Screwtape) to another, explaining how to ruin a person’s soul. It’s a spiritual classic on how to resist temptation because he unveils the tactics of the enemy. When a person understands the strategies of the devil, one is better able to reject his advances and combat one’s sins.

So, I’m going to try the same approach with the topic porn, and give you the top 15 tips to stay stuck in porn. Keep in mind this is all backwards:

1. Believe in yourself. You can conquer this alone. If you go to others for help, it will only make them think less of you. Don’t humiliate yourself and become a burden to others in the process—most especially your family. Even if you have failed to overcome this vice for ten years on your own, keep at it. You’ll break through if you just try hard enough all alone. This way, your pride will be spared, because you can’t afford to take a hit there. Whatever you do, don’t use something like Covenant Eyes, which will block impure content from your devices and notify an accountability partner to keep you strong. Don’t bother with that, or with Accountable2You.com. It’s too much effort. If you can keep everything a secret, then you can continue to hate and love your sin without having to deal it a lethal blow.

2. Pretend that your only problem is lust. If you realize that there are underlying issues such as boredom, stress, loneliness, anger, self-pity, and entitlement that might need to be addressed, then you might end up uprooting the addiction. Don’t go to the root. Just keep hacking away at the weed.

3. Don’t pay attention to when and where you fall. If you pay attention to these things, you might end up discovering a pattern that could be addressed and you might end up replacing bad habits with good ones. Don’t be so obsessive about it. Its not like there’s an app that could help you keep track of that stuff.

4. Avoid counseling. If you have a persistent porn addiction, don’t go to a counselor. Counselors are only for crazy people who have debilitating mental health problems. You’re fine. Besides, where would you find a good counselor near you or one who would help you through Skype?

5. Remind yourself that no one is getting hurt. Porn is a victimless crime. Your soul isn’t hurt, your brain isn’t being damaged, porn doesn’t fuel the sex trade industry, and porn stars are well-adjusted and happy individuals who are thriving in their personal lives. Also, your future spouse and children won’t mind your little habit. Even if you think they won’t like it, you’ll overcome the habit by the time they come along. No rush.

6. If you ever fall again, this means you’ll never be free. Give up now. Don’t bother going to confession, because you’ve said it all before. What’s the point? If you insist on going to confession, make sure to priest-hop. In other words, don’t stick with the same priest more than once. That way, none of them can follow the trail of the scent of your sin. After all, you would only disappoint him by falling again. What would he think of you? He’d never look the same way at you again. No priest could relate to you anyway. If you go to a new priest each time, it’s much less humbling. Again, humility is to be avoided at all costs.

7. Your flashbacks will never go away, so just accept them. When memories of your habit come to mind at the most random and unwelcome times, just take that as a reminder that you’re never going to be free. Whatever you do, don’t take it as a reminder to pray for healing, or even worse—to pray for the healing and conversion of the person in your flashback. Don’t do that. Don’t transform temptation into intercession. Temptations are supposed to entice you towards hell, not remind you to bring others closer to heaven.

8. Consider lust and the temptation to be the same thing. As long as you think it’s a sin to be tempted to sin, then you can rest assured that you’re perpetually displeasing God by having sexual desires. That’s a healthy place to be. You won’t go neurotic. Indeed, keep telling yourself that if you become really really holy, then all of your sexual desires will evaporate. So long as any sexual desires persist, you’re a failure. After all, the annihilation of desire is the goal of purity. You must become numb to the beauty of others. Otherwise, you might discover that the beauty of creation leads you to its Source. Finally, if you realize that temptations to sin are opportunities to practice heroic virtue, then you might begin to break free from sin, and who would want to do that? Everyone knows that sin brings you deep joy and lasting satisfaction.

9. If you’re a woman, you’re the only one who struggles with this. To put it plainly, you’re a freak of nature. Lust is a guy problem. Something must be seriously wrong with you that you would fall into such a guy’s sin. You should be struggling with exclusively female problems like immodesty, gossip, and emotional things (guys don’t EVER struggle with those). Because you’re so unusual, you should definitely not confess this. You’ll just scandalize the priest and end up being the first woman on earth to confess such a horrid and unwomanly habit. Do yourself a favor, and live in shame. Give up, because you’re the only one who struggles with this. No one would ever admit to this habit, let alone write a book about it to give you encouragement and freedom.

10. If you’re a guy, you’re just like everyone else if you look at porn. Seriously, what guy doesn’t? Sex is natural. You just appreciate women. Women have a right to be in this industry, and you’re a champion of their first amendment rights . . . by spending countless hours in isolation gawking at your screen. Why should any man feel the need to rise above such base inclinations? Take it easy on yourself, don’t waste months of your life transforming it with something like Exodus 90 or Strive. Who needs a spiritual six pack when you can pamper yourself?

11. If you feel called to the priesthood or religious life, scratch that off your list. Nobody called to those vocations would ever struggle with lust in this manner. Lust is only a struggle for the people who aren’t called to be celibate. For celibates, purity comes naturally.

12. Stay away from websites like Fight the New Drug and E5men. Stick with other websites, if you know what I mean. Those three sites might make demands on you and ask you to sacrifice to kill your habit. Don’t follow fanatics like @MattFradd on Twitter, or use apps like Victory. Instead, make sure to click on every possibly immodest Twitter profile picture you see. You have to click. You’ll probably die if your curiosity isn’t satisfied.

13. Stay away from that Lady. You know, the one whom the old women ramble on about in their Rosaries? Don’t even mention her name, especially not when you’re tempted. While you’re at it, stay away from sacramentals in general. No need for holy water, crucifixes, holy images, etc. That’s all superstitious stuff anyway.

14. Don’t go to Mass too often, and steer clear of Eucharistic Adoration. The flesh of God might just be the antidote to the addictions of the flesh of man. So, stay away. The Bread of Angels is overrated. It’s not like you could find a Mass or adoration chapel near you, anyway.

15. You don’t need to kill the habit today. Tomorrow would work better. Actually. tomorrow is quite busy as well. Perhaps next month would be ideal.

____________________________

Jason Evert founded chastity.com has spoken on six continents to more than one million people about the virtue of chastity. He is the author of more than ten books, including How to Find Your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul and Theology of the Body for Teens.

September 30, 2021 By AnneMarie Miller

Contraception won’t empower you, but this will

I sat on a paper-covered table in the examination room of the medical office. I listened halfheartedly—instead, focusing on my newborn son who lay nearby—as the nurse chatted while she filled out paperwork. All of a sudden, the nurse asked a question which broke through my happy mood.

“What kind of birth control are you planning to use?”

Such a simple question, which I’m sure countless women are asked by their medical providers. After all, according to what I’ve heard from various organizations, using birth control to prevent the conception of a child means that women are confidently empowering themselves to live how they desire.

However, when the nurse asked this question, I did not experience the feelings of elated empowerment, confidence, or strength that I have heard about. As I was asked how I wanted to artificially regulate my fertility, I was struck by the sad assumption that lay behind the nurse’s words: That I am unable to control my actions or urges, and so I need to turn off the gift of my fertility.

I’ve heard laments from other women about the negative side effects of contraception, like nausea and fatigue. When I first heard these complaints, it did not appear to me that contraception was empowering these women; instead, it was becoming a burden on them. Later on, when I read about a recent Danish study that linked depression to birth control, I failed to see the confidence-building, uplifting effects that are often attributed to contraceptives. Instead, I continued to notice that many women are being downtrodden and controlled by artificial birth control methods.

Should the idea of “female empowerment” presume that women need to manipulate their fertility in this way? I do not believe so. Using birth control and succumbing to its negative effects is not empowering. Being treated like an unruly animal who cannot control itself is not empowering. Using contraceptives because some medical professionals and one’s peers all support it is not empowering.

Alternatively, there is a fantastic way in which women can positively empower themselves regarding their bodies: knowledge. Instead of putting contraceptives into or on their bodies, women can learn about how their fertility naturally works.

When I began reading about the female fertility cycle, I was awestruck. I saw why I would experience certain sensations throughout each month, as hormones caused subtle changes in my body. I learned how, a handful of days after an egg is released, a woman will experience a time of infertility before her body launches into the next cycle. As I learned more and began observing my fertility signs, I grew empowered. I knew what my body was doing, and I knew why changes were happening. I became more confident, because I could prepare and work with my natural fertility cycle, instead of working against it.

Contraception shields our eyes from the incredible gift and beauty of the female body and its fertility. By living in ignorance of how the fertility cycle naturally works—and by using contraceptives to tamper with it instead—women are not empowering themselves. There are many websites, apps, and books which can help women learn and chart their natural fertility cycles. If women grow in knowledge of how their bodies naturally work and cooperate with that process, they will be far more confident, healthy, and strong than if they bought into the culture’s message of birth control.

_______________________

AnneMarie Miller enjoys the epic adventures of young married life and motherhood with her incredible husband and son. A writer, blogger, and casual geek, she enjoys discovering small moments of beauty and joy in each day. When she’s not chasing after her baby, reading, or tackling never-ending housework, AnneMarie shares her quirky musings on her blog, Sacrifice of Love (http://marianninja.blogspot.com).

September 30, 2021 By Admin

I Wished I Had Been Born a Boy

I am a 52 year-old woman and mother of four. A wife for almost twenty-six years but I wished I had been born a boy. Probably until I was well into junior high and maybe even high school I was fairly convinced God had simply mixed me up with John Mark, the name my parents had selected if I had been born male.

You see, I am over six feet tall and very large framed. I wear a size thirteen shoe. My hands are as large as any man my height. I was always told I had a pretty face but because of my height I was able to carry a lot of extra weight without looking fat and the fullness on my frame tended to make me look less pretty and just attractive. Still I never felt pretty or much less feminine.

So for many years I wondered. Did God make a mistake? As I watch and listen to the coverage of Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and the many stories of gender identification concerns, I wonder what life would have been like for me if I were growing up now rather than in the sixties and seventies.

Back then when a girl like me came along they called me tomboy. For the guys the term was sissy or girlie. I suppose it was probably easier to be a “tomboy” rather than a “girlie” or “sissy” guy but maybe not. Just like the guys opposite me, I was having trouble finding comfort in what God made me to be. But that was part of the journey He had for me.

It’s a journey I am thankful was accompanied by parents, peers and mentors that taught me God does not make mistakes. Life was very difficult at times and the scars of adolescent taunts, a very low self esteem and deep, deep loneliness took its toll for many years but that was the journey God had for me. I am so thankful I was not approached by anyone that might have worked to convince me I was not what God made me to be and I wonder often, what if?

What if I had been raised that the choices for me sexually were vast and practically limitless? What if, in my adolescence, my deep loneliness, a girl had kissed me and I liked it? Think back to your own adolescence. Remember how the slightest intimate touch induced chills? What if someone of the same sex had touched you? Could the flutter and chills of your adolescent senses have possibly been misinterpreted? Leading you to a destiny not planned for you?

My heart aches for Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and those who have walked a similar journey. If he were my friend or part of my family I would simply love him. My concern is for what we are doing to ourselves as we seek to continue down a road that tries to recreate our lives into what we want them to be rather than what God created us to be. The road we are paving for our children is so confusing and hard and it doesn’t have to be.

I am so thankful my path was exactly as it was. I am so thankful that eventually it was a path that led me to a man, my husband, that filled the deep loneliness with a love so complete I can’t imagine life without him. I am still a tomboy. I struggle to identify with many of the women in my life.

I had a conversation with a co-worker just last year. I was concerned about my inability to connect with a couple of the women I was working with. I told him I could not understand why they seemed to not like me, why they almost seemed uncomfortable around me. His response still makes me laugh. He said, “Well LaVern, you’re basically a dude! You’re intimidating as hell.”

So still, as basically a dude, I am completely and fully a girl, a woman. Fully and completely comfortable with who and what God made me to be. I still detest dressing like a woman. I hate dresses and frills. I spend as much time as possible in my favorite muck boots and weathered tattered clothes working outside, getting as dirty as possible.

I love working with my hands till they are rough and worn. I’m proud my hands look like hands that work, not like a man but like a woman. A woman that may be a bit rough around the edges but make no mistake, still one-hundred percent woman. The woman God made me to be. Perfect but flawed.

And praying without ceasing for those still on the journey to find peace and understanding of their own flawed perfection and the perfect plan God has for them.

God Bless and Laus Deo.
______________________________________________

A career long broadcaster, most recently with The Blaze TV, LaVern Vivio is an author, speaker, and works in ministry and community outreach programs throughout the Christian community. She attended Freed Hardeman University, graduated from David Lipscomb University and served as an adjunct professor and High School teacher part time. Her website is http://lavernvivio.com

September 25, 2021 By Jason Evert

Top 10 Reasons Not to Sext

About a third of teens admit that they’ve sent sexually suggestive texts or images online or over their phones. Given the fact that sexting has become so commonplace in schools and among celebrities, many people never pause to think about why it’s such a bad idea. Here’s a top ten list, for starters:

1. Any sexual image of a person seventeen years old or younger is considered child porn. Therefore, if you’re in high school or younger, you can be charged for distributing child pornography for sending sexual photos of yourself or others.

2. If you have sexual photos of teens on your phone, you can face felony charges for soliciting and possessing child porn.

3. If you’re sending sexual images online, you might not realize who is on the other side of the screen. Countless sex offenders pretend to be teens by using online photos of others. USA Today reported how a 51-year-old man pretended to be a teenage girl named “Sara” and persuaded more than 100 young people he met online to perform sexual acts on their webcam. He recorded what they did, uploaded the footage to file-sharing servers, and traded them worldwide. Another sex offender set up a bogus woman’s Facebook account and tricked a number of high school boys into sending him sexual images of themselves. He then blackmailed seven of them to perform sexual acts with him in public parks and bathrooms, after threatening to distribute the photos to their classmates if they refused.

4. Even if you know the person who is receiving your photo, he or she could still use it against you if the relationship ends. Cyberbulling through revenge porn has become a common tool to hurt someone when a breakup turns sour.

5. As part of the college application process, many universities are not simply reviewing your grades and entrance essays. Some review your social media accounts to evaluate your lifestyle. Will that photo help your chances?

6. Even if you think the image will disappear via Snapchat, it’s easy for the recipient to save such photos by taking a screenshot.

7. Let’s be honest: What are the odds that this person will keep that image private forever? Some teens sell the images of their girlfriends to their friends. Others trade the images like baseball cards.

8. Five years from now, when you apply for a job, your employer can do an online background check and find the images floating in cyberspace. This won’t look good on your resume.

9. You may be surprised who finds out about the sext, and I don’t just mean your siblings, parents, or your Aunt Mildred. I know of a high school athlete who lost his scholarship to play football at a D1 state university for sharing sexual images of classmates on his phone.

10. It’s a sin, and it leads people to sin. In Luke 17, Jesus says: “Temptations to sin are sure to come; but woe to him by whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung round his neck and he were cast into the sea, than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin.” Millstones can weigh hundreds of pounds, and you’re better off without one tied around your neck.

So, what do you do if someone asks you for a revealing photo? Send them a picture of your bare hand, waving goodbye to them.

____________________________

September 19, 2021 By Hudson Byblow

Porn and the Epidemic of Singleness

Many men underestimate the impact of their attachment to pornography. I’m not trying to villainize anyone, for I know first-hand the power that pornography can have over one’s life. In fact, most of the men that I know are repulsed by the idea of pornography and are disgusted with themselves for falling to it.

But it has contributed to a deeper problem.

Pornography Use as a Symptom
Often, men have become exposed to pornography early in life. Their use of it predates their relationship with their wife/girlfriend, and is therefore not because of their wife/girlfriend. The shame and guilt that follows does not help men become healthy, strong, and virtuous. Rather, they point a man towards continued escapism. After all, who wants to look in the mirror and not like who they see? Or see that they are a failure? As such, pornography can be seen as a form of self-medication. It just happens to be a medication that kills the soul and relationships.

Understanding the roots of some people’s desire to escape into pornography does not excuse anyone from their choices to self-medicate in this way. Likewise, it’s not to undermine the feelings of betrayal experienced by women when their husband/boyfriend falls to that temptation. Those feelings need to be acknowledged. However, a deeper understanding of the roots might help women become less inclined to believe the lie that it is because they are not good enough, or are undesirable – even if a man were to say something as horrible as that. For women who do struggle with feelings of betrayal on account of their boyfriend’s/husband’s pornography use, please check out Bloom.

A Dearth in Society

In the meantime, the pornography epidemic has created a dearth of good, holy men, who would be suitable for holy marriage. And this means there will be greater proportion of virtuous women who, in upholding a reasonable standard of holiness (while not expecting anyone to be perfect), aren’t finding a suitable man to marry.

Choosing to remain in the single state, “in waiting” for future holy marriage (not implying a “vocation to the single life”) may be the way to greater joy. The alternative would be to succumb to the desires of the flesh (and or season of life) oneself and engage with a man who seeks the passions of the flesh above holiness. To enter into a relationship like this, however, would inhibit the possibility of a couple ever being able to enter first and foremost into the passions of the spirit, anchored on God, while modeling Trinitarian spousal love by way of fully and joyfully giving themselves to one another in accordance to God’s authorship – without anyone feeling used or objectified, without any anxieties about inadequacy, and without any fear of being rejected.

Why would anyone settle for a love less than that?

The Greatest Desire
The more that marriage to a spouse is idolized, however, the greater the despair among those who desire marriage but who never enter marriage. The more that holiness is elevated to be one’s primary pursuit, the less of a sting will foregone marriage be, for the lack of a marriage will not as much be seen as a failure to fulfill one’s purpose in life. That is, those pursuing holiness above marriage are in a better position to weather the true and justified storm of emotions that may arise on account of never having that deep desire for marriage ever being fulfilled.

This is not to say that foregone marriage shouldn’t be grieved, but rather simply that a holy marriage should be the after-effect of first seeking God and holy relationships overall.

In Conclusion
Given the reality that there are far fewer men who are available for holy marriage than before, it behooves us all more than ever to point women and men towards the primary goal of holiness above marriage, such that when hopes and dreams of marriage remain unfulfilled, there will be fewer people who enter into darkness and despair.

If we shifted our focus in this way, we could instead use our lives to continuously proclaim the goodness of the Lord, while evangelizing to the world in the most profound of ways, which includes the patient endurance of real suffering, however, with peace and joy in our hearts.

___________________________

Hudson Byblow is a Catholic speaker, author, and consultant who lives in the Midwest where he has a career in education. He has presented at National and International conferences in the United States and Canada and also presents to clergy, schools, and parishes. Additionally, Hudson serves as a consultant to various Catholic agencies, speakers, and educators. His website is www.hudsonbyblow.com and he can be booked by emailing info@hudsonbyblow.com.

September 19, 2021 By Joseph Sciambra

Homosexuality and Porn: My Story

As a lonely and rejected little boy, my first discovery of gay pornography felt like a miracle. In a sense, after years of being either ignored or mercilessly teased by other boys, and thus adoring and hating them from afar, when I saw the men in pornography, I thought I had finally found acceptance. Although I could never admit it, those mean boys hurt me and I thought in gay porn, I could be healed.

As a boy, I owned a fairly prodigious porn collection that I had acquired by stealing magazines from a local store or from my older brother, or taking the discarded copies out of the men’s lavatory at my father’s business. In all of them, my eyes were immediately drawn towards the men.

Looking back, overall, the women and girls in my life were accepting and loving. For instance, some of my female classmates felt instinctively protective of the odd and shy loner. Consequently, I was often accepted into their circles and they treated me as if I were another girl: we sat around at recess and lunch, shared confidences, and watched boys.

In pornography, the female form was less than fascinating—it represented the element I knew and understood. As for the male, he symbolized the other; that which openly disregarded me, but I longed for acknowledgment from. And, in pornography, the men, self-contained and aloof seemed ever distant, but also somehow graspable for I was alone with them; and we were vulnerable together. Yet, these were supposedly straight men, and they loved women. But I loved them. Like the superheroes I worshiped on TV, they lived in a separate world that I could only hope to occasionally look into.

As a teenager, when I started purchasing gay porn, the reality of pictures depicting that which I had only ever imagined in my mind, confirmed in me the idea that somewhere out in the universe there existed people who felt as I do. That I was not alone.

Soon after irrefutably accepting that I was “gay,” I attended my first San Francisco “Pride” Parade; there, I saw a couple of men who were the stuff of my daydreams, which had magically somehow come to life.

As a sexually active young “gay” man, I only rarely watched porn. For the most part, those desolate days of flipping through magazines, or staring at the screen, seemed distant and desperate. Later, when I tried to couple-up with another man, we frequently watched porn as monogamous sex became increasingly boring. When I grew older and gradually more cynical, porn was a big part of my life again. And, the real and the unreal merged almost into one frustration. Because the intimacy promised in pornography, the image come to life, never materialized. All-male sex, like pornography itself, proved insufferably depersonalizing and dehumanizing. There was a lot of opportunity to partake, but the experiences were essentially empty. It was lifeless. As I delved deeper into promiscuity, I curiously sensed an encroaching and paralyzing numbness.

Soon, I found myself throwing out every piece of pornography I had ever owned. I can’t explain adequately what had happened to me, but I was sick of it and I was sick. I was scared and I was tired; I wanted to die, but I wanted to live. I didn’t believe in anything anymore, but I wanted to believe in something.

I found myself in the hospital close to death. My soul was being pulled down into an abyss. It was terrifying. And then there He was; Jesus Christ, offering me another chance. In that moment I knew He was real. In that moment I knew His love was for me. My heart knew hope for the first time in a long time. In that moment, I knew I wanted to stay with Him. I realized that with God I belong.

That moment my life changed forever.

My heart became fully open to Christ. It became open to growing in the fullness of virtue. I have tasted the joy and freedom of living with a chaste heart.

Today I want others to know that joy and freedom.

It’s for us all.

____________________________________

Joseph Sciambra is an author and blogger based out of California. He has given himself to a life of chastity and service to the Church, after experiencing an intervention from Christ Himself. He strives to draw people into a greater awareness of this topic surrounding health concerns, misleading media portrayals, and even misleading practices within certain churches. He can be reached by emailing jsciambra@yahoo.com.

September 5, 2021 By Andrew Swafford

The importance of modesty . . . for MEN

Before we walk down this minefield, let’s set the record straight: this is also a guyissue, not just one for the ladies (and I’m not referring here to men simply “guarding their eyes”). I for one was completely enslaved to the idolatry of my physique for many years before my conversion. I lived for seeing improvement in the mirror—each night and every morning; in fact, this was why I worked out so hard—even though my supposed reason was football.

The Beauty of the Person

For John Paul II, the person is a unique entity of inherent dignity and worth; in his famous two-fold dictum, persons are (1) not to be used and (2) the “person is a kind of good to which only love constitutes the proper and fully-mature relation” (all JP II quotes are from Love and Responsibility, which he originally wrote as Karol Wojtyla). Thus, when it comes to persons, negatively, they cannot be used as mere objects; and, positively, they must be loved.

As embodied persons, we also have what Wojtyla calls “sexual values.” Modesty enters here as that tendency to conceal our sexual values—not because they are inherently bad, but to ensure that they don’t overshadow our dignity as persons. In Wojtyla’s words: “The spontaneous need to conceal the sexual values linked to the person is a natural way to unveil the value of the person himself.” In other words, the sexual values of the person are good; but their proper place is in the context of the whole—the whole person. But when the sexual values overshadow the whole, the person becomes a potential object of use.

It is in this sense that pornography reveals—not too much, but too little: that is, too little with respect to the whole dignity of the person; it incites the viewer to see only one aspect—the sexual values—as all that matters. Pornography, therefore, “obscures the essential value of the person.”

Intent and Function

The first place to start regarding modesty is intent (see my wife’s book, Emotional Virtue, ch. 10). Wojtyla writes: “What is [immodest] in dress is that which clearly contributes to a deliberate obscuring of the most essential value of the person by the sexual values”—that is, when someone deliberately seeks to accentuate their sexual values in a way that overshadows their dignity as persons.

In terms of concrete specifics, Wojtyla points to the consideration of function of an outfit, for example, “during physical labor in hot weather, while [swimming], or at the doctor.” If the clothing essentially serves the function, then it’s not immodest: “When a person uses dress like that within the framework of its objective function, then we cannot see [immodesty] in this.”

But Wojtyla then follows, noting that to employ such dress outside the context of its specific functiondoes become immodest. For the dress no longer serves the function, but is worn for some other reason, presumably to get attention.

Working Out

A common place where people struggle with modesty is working out. On the one hand, one might say that work out clothing serves the function of working out. And to some extent, this is true. But here’s the question: would you wear this same outfit if there were no mirrors, or if you thought no one would see you? If the answer is “no,” then the outfit is not justabout function. I know in my pre-conversion years I intentionally looked for opportunities to show off my workout gains (e.g., taking off my shirt when I didn’t need to)—after all, this was ultimatelywhyI was working out.

And this obsession with physique led to a desire to be noticed in that way, which in turn fostered unhealthy relationships. In other words, the “cult of the body”—which consumed me earlier in life—is directly related to our pursuit of purity and chastity.

For me, when I encountered Christ, I found a deeper meaning in life and my mind and heart began to change. And when I stopped worshipping at the altar of the “body,” it went a long way toward transforming my purity.

_______________________________

Andrew Swafford is Associate Professor of Theology at Benedictine College. Among his publications are Spiritual Survival in the Modern World: Insights from C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Lettersand John Paul II to Aristotle and Back Again: A Christian Philosophy of Life. He and his wife, Sarah, live with their children in Atchison, KS.

September 4, 2021 By Admin

Is NFP “Catholic birth control”?

When I was engaged, I remember seeing questions like “Isn’t Natural Family Planning (NFP) just Catholic birth control?” pop up in online Catholic forums. These questions would often cause me to wonder about the same because I didn’t have a very good answer myself. How could a method be healthy, natural, and moral for Catholic couples to use in their marriage for family planning?

The more I learned and had conversations with my spiritual director, I realized that definitions weren’t clear and conversations around NFP were so focused on charting and abstaining, I wasn’t seeing the ways in which it challenged couples in virtue building and deeper spiritual growth.

Let’s clarify definitions:

What is Fertility Awareness (FA)?

Fertility Awareness (FA) is the practice of charting a woman’s cycle to understand the natural hormonal fluctuations of the four phases of the cycle and detect any underlying health concerns that may exist. FA can be practiced by single women (this isn’t just for married couples!).

What is Natural Family Planning (NFP)?

Natural Family Planning (NFP) is the integration of the Catholic Church’s teachings on human sexuality and the scientific knowledge and practice of fertility awareness. Specifically, there are methods scientifically proven and approved that fall under Fertility Awareness Based Methods (FABMs). The Catholic Church supports the use of scientific literature around women tracking their cycles to understand the hormonal fluctuations of the cycle, identify the four phases of the cycle, and use this information to help in discernment of family planning.

What are Fertility Awareness Based Methods (FABMs)?

Fertility Awareness Based Methods (FABMs) involve tracking the woman’s cycle and not using a barrier method during ovulation. If trying to avoid pregnancy, a couple will abstain from sex during the fertile period of the woman’s cycle. Charting a woman’s cycle is rooted in extensive research, data, and advancements in understanding the woman’s reproductive system. The use of a barrier method is not permissible within the context of Catholic marriages. You can find out more about the Catholic Church’s stance on the use of birth control in the incredible encyclical, Humanae Vitae.

With these definitions in hand, my fiance (now, husband!) were able to root our marriage and family planning in the truth of the Catholic Church’s teachings. In our marriage, we have quickly learned that NFP strips away the selfishness of our desires and exposes areas of sin that exist in our hearts. NFP isn’t just about cold, hard facts and data points. NFP requires us to be in constant communication with each other, learning each other in all facets of personhood, and growing in intimacy outside of the bedroom. It also challenges the growth of virtue; primarily, challenging us to grow in love instead of lust. NFP deeply challenges us to see the other as subject – not as an object. It is infused with the teachings of JPII’s Theology of the Body because in its practice, it truly challenges us to expose ourselves fully to each other and live out our vows: a commitment to free, total, faithful, and fruitful love.

The practice of NFP doesn’t celebrate pleasure or babies, but rather both for married couples in their sexual intimacy. The Catholic Church supports and teaches this because it recognizes the profound mystery and beauty of sex in married life (CCC 2362). NFP is meant to help us in our journey to love our spouse with an ordered, flourishing love and this is why the Catholic Church supports its use in the context of Catholic marriages.

NFP allows us to recognize the profound reality that we can co-author life together, while also using my charts to help us discern if God is calling us to welcome another child. At its foundation, it’s refining our love, our desires, and our hearts so we are oriented to surrender our selfishness and flourish in life-giving, selfless love. What could be more beautiful?

_______________

Bridget Busacker is the founder of Managing Your Fertility, an online, one-stop-shop of fertility awareness resources for women and couples™. She is on a mission to fuse the science of Fertility Awareness Based Methods (FABMs) and Theology of the Body (TOB) into the everyday practice of Fertility Awareness (FA) and Natural Family Planning (NFP.) Bridget is passionate about women’s health and education that promotes the dignity of the human person by integrating a holistic approach to self-knowledge of the body.

August 21, 2021 By Catherine Spada

The Challenge of Chastity in Marriage

One of the most challenging and equally liberating teachings of the Catholic Church is chastity. It is undoubtedly a virtue that is radically counter cultural and one that demands great self-mastery and sacrifice. It demands a right ordered love of God and consequently an authentic love for others.

My experience of chastity prior to and in married life has been less than glamorous. I will not claim to speak for all married couples who practice Natural Family Planning, but I will attempt to concisely share my own experience.

Chastity in my marriage has been an ongoing experience of examining the heart and mind. It has required the continual weighing of the most hidden intentions. This I find most especially true when communicating about postponing or achieving pregnancy, while at the same time attempting to reconcile understandings of true intimacy and the needs of another.

Though it is not always pleasant or easy, chastity in marriage has taught me to be accountable to the gift of sexuality by striving to live out what this gift means through marital love. Natural Family Planning (NFP) truly encourages the flourishing of chastity within marriage.

St. Augustine was definitely on to something when he said “Perfect abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.” As a newly-wed (married in 2014), I can humbly admit that I was unprepared in many ways for what chastity in marriage would be like and what Natural Family Planning in practice was all about. However, regardless of any difficulty my husband and I were both committed to seeing it through and remaining true to the teachings of the Church in this area. It has required us to stay united in moments of struggle and always communicate about any challenges that we may be having, either with the periods of abstinence, or learning to better understand each other’s expectations.

Chastity enables us to face that which is unpleasant and uncomfortable because it leads us toward an authentic experience of intimacy that does not seek to hide behind societal constructions of sexual fulfillment or the distortion of a disposable contraceptive mentality. It aids us toward achieving what is most beautiful.

Chastity in marriage has also highlighted the crucial importance of owning one’s own commitment to chastity prior to saying “I do”. This personal foundation of chastity strengthens the marriage bond. In my opinion, it is not enough to simply love a person and choose chastity; it must be rooted in a love of God, because it is only through God’s grace and providence that we can truly succeed in living out the call to be chaste in freedom. It is only when we are lovingly accountable to God and his plan for our sexuality that we can begin to love and value the other as a gift.

My husband and I both struggled with chastity prior to meeting one another and throughout the onset of our relationship; our conversion experiences strengthened us immensely and gave us a greater understanding about one another and about the freedom of chastity. It allowed us to cling to God separately so that we could fasten ourselves as husband and wife.

Natural Family Planning has helped us shed our selfish expectations and strive to grow in love within our marriage daily. Though it may not always be easy we remain open to God’s will and so far we have been graciously provided for.

___________________________________
Catherine Spada is a Public Middle School educator and is currently loving her new role as a full-time mom. She enjoys giving presentations on chastity and sharing the beauty of the faith through her blog entitled Sacred Sharings for The Soul. Catherine resides outside of Toronto with her husband and beautiful baby girl.

August 10, 2021 By Hudson Byblow

The Importance of Pure Affection

Several years ago, Dr. Jordan B. Peterson was thrust into the limelight, and with that, many key concepts relating to healthy masculinity came to light. He helped me realize that I needed to engage in transforming my own life for the better, and whilst I still have room to grow, I’ve never looked back.

One idea he brings is that men shouldn’t strive to “be nice,” but rather that men should strive to be dangerous – but with self-control. I see this proposal to enact self-control as foundational to Catholics who are striving to grow in the fullness of virtue, which includes striving to practice chastity.

Self-Control and Physical Touch
Self-control also breaches the topic of physical touch, and thus also expressions of intimacy with others – including our romantic interests. Today, with people being so touch-starved (and therefore holy-touch-starved), it behooves us to have conversations about the degree to which a couple’s journey towards holy intimacy should include healthy, holy touch, of course gifted in a way that reflects self-control and self-giving love for one another.

Caveat
Forms of affection that are proper to marriage, of course, still need to wait for marriage. Likewise, if someone thinks any touch would send them down a spiral of “going too far,” then they’re right in avoiding it for the sake of avoiding the occasion of sin, however, they need to work on that internally instead of perpetually fleeing from it.

A Reflection on Fear of Physical Touch
One Catholic man I know shared some helpful (and challenging) thoughts on this, and I hope all men and women consider his words, or at least pray about them. He wrote:

“I recently read an online comment from a “man” who claimed that there should be no touch until marriage. I thought that was so pathetic, lukewarm, immature, and fear-based. If a man is fearful of touch/physicality, let alone initiating it, then he is not yet the man he needs to be, to healthily enter relationship. Further, if a man is afraid of affectionate touch being an occasion of sin, then we need to pray that he comes to see this as a type of spiritual sickness that needs to be healed. . . . So, what might he be afraid of? He’s afraid of his own power, his own wildness, and possibly the idea of being rejected on account of expressing himself, as he is in his current state. A weak man, or a man who might still be overly wounded, fears venturing out into the wild to make himself vulnerable via taking responsibility for himself and others relationally. However, masculinity, in its natural state, craves this wildness, and a man who suppresses this wildness suppresses his true masculinity. . . . The fact is that men should be passionate and should be able to experience a burning desire to share the gift that they delight in their spouse, perhaps manifesting in them “taking” her (with her consent, of course). Further, a man should be comfortable in residing in that holy, self-giving passion whilst giving of himself to her, as opposed to trying to merely suppress/bury (run away from) those desires under fake facades of piety. That is, he should channel his passion, and refine it with self-sacrifice for the sake of others and for the sake of the kingdom. This is not a manifestation of mere behaviour management, but rather is a true manifestation of the practice of virtue – and it is through striving to grow in the fullness of virtue that the heart is gradually transformed. Virtue, which is increased through hard work, is the reason a man treats his woman with dignity, not because of his neutered lukewarmness that keeps him afraid of responsibility. As spoken about in Fr. Calloway’s Consecration to St. Joseph, the young St. Joseph could live chastely because he worked hard for that virtue. It was a sacrifice for him to give up the pleasures of sex because the wildness and the passion was still within him. He wasn’t a burned-out shell of an old man left with no drive, and we shouldn’t be either.”

Parting Questions
With that being said, what does manifesting self-control, initiating holy touch, and preparing yourself for an intimate, self-sacrificial, passionate, and chaste love-life with your future spouse look like to you?

___________________________

August 1, 2021 By Jason Evert

Love is Not Hate

I once walked into a framing store with a large painting of Saint John Paul II, and laid it on the counter. The framer, a kind gentleman in his mid-forties, looked fondly on the image for a few moments, and remarked, “I’m a Catholic boy. Too bad the Church doesn’t want me.” Although it was unspoken, it was obvious he was referring to homosexuality. I asked, “What do you mean the Church doesn’t want you? Of course the Church wants you. God loves you. The Church loves you. This is your home.” He looked happily shocked asked, “What parish do you go to?”

We had a pleasant conversation, and when I returned a few weeks later, I greeted him and he exclaimed, “You remembered my name!” We again entered into a warm conversation and I soon noticed his eyes were becoming moist with tears. He asked, “Can I hug you?” “Absolutely!” I replied, and he walked around the counter and we embraced like brothers. I called over to my young son who was shopping with me, and said, “Give him a hug, too, buddy!” My boy wrapped his little arms around the man’s legs and mine. Driving home, I thanked God for the meeting, because I know I had encountered Christ in this man. Those brief moments with him were the highlight of my day. He even sent me a message online to show how he framed the same painting of Saint John Paul II for his house!

The reason I share this is because I don’t think I’m the only one who is tired of the media telling me that if I believe in traditional marriage, I “hate” people who experience homosexual attractions. Hate is a powerful word, and it shouldn’t be tossed around in hopes of scoring polemical points by stirring up people’s sentiments.

Many people who experience homosexual attractions have suffered through tremendous bigotry, cruel harassment, and homophobic shunning. Some have committed suicide because of the rejection and bullying that they have experienced—sometimes within their own families. We need to be deeply sensitive to these realities, acknowledging that such hateful prejudices should be condemned.

Are you a hater?
So here’s the question: Does the profession of one’s belief in traditional marriage constitute hate speech? If so, then those in favor of gay marriage should be asked:

Do you hate individuals who want to enter into a polygamous marriage?

Do you hate individuals who want to have an “open” or “monagamish” marriage, where fidelity is not a requirement?

Do you hate the woman who recently married herself?

Most people I know who experience homosexual attractions are delightful human beings. I have a difficult time thinking they would hate any of the individuals mentioned above—even though they might disagree with their definition of marriage.

So, let’s be fair: If you disagree with someone on the definition of marriage, this doesn’t make you a hater. You can disagree vehemently with someone, and still love him or her deeply.

Some will retort, “It just seems like the Church is picking on gay people by forbidding them to marry.” Those who make this understandable objection are often unaware that the Church isn’t trying to single out anyone. The Church simply believes that the sexual union of a man and a woman is one of the essential parts of marriage, and therefore those who incapable of it are also incapable of marriage. For example, the Church does not believe impotent couples are capable of marriage. [Not to be confused with infertility, impotency is when a person is incapable of intercourse.] It’s important to understand that when the Church talks about marriage, it is not primarily talking about what to people do (exchange vows), but rather what two people become (an icon of Christ’s love for his bride, the Church).

Not surprisingly, many people will object even to this, assuming the Church has no right to pontificate on such matters. What’s ironic is that the culture that first demanded to have intercourse without marriage now demands marriage without intercourse.

Called to love
By affirming that the one-flesh union is essential to marriage, the Church is not forbidding anyone to love. In fact, those who aren’t called to marriage are still invited to express God’s love in a powerful way. Many who experience homosexual attractions have joyfully embraced this calling, but their voices (and great websites) are often drowned out by those who assume chastity is an unrealistic option. Their lives are proof that although many have rejected the Catholic Church, the Church rejects no one.

In the end, it isn’t an expression of hatred to invite people to practice chastity. In fact, would be a false form of compassion to lead anyone to believe that they could find true happiness outside of the will of God.

The topic of same-sex marriage is bound to stir up emotional responses, and that’s okay. It’s healthy to have impassioned and spirited debates about a topics of great importance, such as the definition of marriage. But in the heat of the debate, let’s not lose sight of the fact that every person deserves to be treated with respect. If we begin calling one another names, it means that we’ve lost our temper or we’ve run out of valid arguments—or both.
____________________________

June 16, 2021 By Sarah Larue

Freely and With Full Consent

As a little girl, I loved the old swashbuckling tales of adventure and romance. Robin Hood, Zorro, The Black Arrow…Watching The Black Arrow I learned what an annulment was. When the evil lord tried to force the rich heroine to marry him by kidnapping her relatives that seemed like the worst fate in the world! My mom explained it wouldn’t be a valid marriage because she wouldn’t enter of her free will.

The Church requires that people enter marriage “freely and with full consent.”

Those simple words “freely and with full consent” have a far deeper meaning than a forced wedding. Marriage is (among other things) a sexual and emotional relationship. To truly give yourself sexually and emotionally, you need to be sexually and emotionally free. Otherwise, instead of giving you wind up taking, and using instead of loving. While there aren’t many evil lords hanging around today, there are two sadly common enemies to a person’s sexual and emotional freedom: lust and fear.

It’s very true that if you cannot say no, your yes is incomplete.

If you cannot deny yourself sexual pleasure, lust will color your perspective when approaching a potential spouse, and you marry the pleasure instead of the person. If you are terrified of being alone, fear will cling to any reasonable prospect that comes along, and you marry the relationship instead of the person. Because you cannot say “no,” you are not free to give full consent.

To be free does not require being free from temptation. You may struggle with thoughts or have moments of panic. To be free, those feelings must not control you. You should have strong, healthy sexual desires and you will be tempted. But you need the freedom and humility that can run away from the near occasion of sin and avoid illicit behavior. You should have the emotional health to form deep attachments that may break your heart. But you need the freedom and trust that can walk away from a relationship that isn’t right and accept living a single life with God.

Before you marry someone, you need to make sure you are in love with this unique, individual person, not with the pleasure or the relationship. When you do truly love the person, to build a healthy relationship you need the freedom to give yourself completely. So you need the ability to deny yourself sexual pleasure or the security of a relationship. If you sincerely strive for Christ, you will eventually reach the reliance on Him for strength and comfort that will break the grip of lust. If you truly seek God’s will, you will learn to trust Him and fear will lose its stranglehold. In three years, you don’t want to reach this freedom and peace, look at your spouse, and go “What was I thinking? We aren’t best friends. We don’t have a healthy relationship. Why didn’t I wait?”

Lust or fear has hurt you ENOUGH. Don’t be impatient and give them the chance to influence the decision or destroy the relationship that will hurt you or bless you for the rest of your life.

If you are dating someone addicted to lust or dominated by fear, step back. Tell your friend you’re seriously concerned that this will prevent your chance for a healthy relationship. This person may be “the one,” but you can take a break while they concentrate on improving their relationship with God first. If they won’t, you can’t move forward.

You will be called hard, self-righteous, and told to be more understanding because “they can’t help themselves.” You aren’t claiming to be God and judging the personal culpability of anyone. But if the poor people really can’t help themselves—that’s actually the problem! Because it means they aren’t free. You cannot ask someone to enter marriage when they are not free.

Pray for guidance, trust your gut, and never move forward in a relationship if both of you cannot do so with purity and peace. It will hurt, but in the words of one guy to the girl who had broken things off between them many years before: “Thank God you were such a sensible young woman!”

—–

ENGAGED? Check out Emily Wilson’s video course for brides-to-be!