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Katie Hartfiel

October 22, 2021 By Katie Hartfiel

Hope for the Broken

Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

As a teenager whose heart was beaten and bruised through the pain of my parent’s divorce, I didn’t think so. To say I was bitter would be an understatement. My response to our broken home was a promise to ensure I would never relive such rejection. I built a wall around my heart with a resolve to never give anyone the chance to hurt me again. What was hiding behind the hardness wasn’t strength however, but fear.

Divorce leaves victims. I identified myself with my pain. I was rejected, alone and afraid. I was starving to be loved, but terrified to be vulnerable. I ached for someone to care for me, but was stripped of the ability to trust. I despised the present, but feared the future.

I couldn’t understand why my cries to the Lord seemed to be unheard and I often questioned His love and faithfulness to me as His child. However, I will never forget a pivotal night in prayer. A thought came to me with such clarity and conviction that I’ve never doubted that its source was the Lord. I knew in that moment that God had heard every agonizing prayer that poured from my heart. In fact, He was crying with me. He was hiding me within His Redeeming Wounds. He assured me that He hadn’t just given my father the grace that I had asked for; rather He overwhelmed him with a superabundance of it. I felt as though the Lord was showing me that my dad was holding an umbrella over his head in order to avoid contact with the grace and the mercy of the Lord.

I learned two things through this revelation. The first was a realization that I couldn’t cease in prayer. If at any moment there was an opening of vulnerability and that umbrella came down for an instant, I wanted the mercy to be there to consume him. The other was that I needed to start looking for the areas in my own life where I was rejecting God’s gift of Divine Life within me.

These two lessons became integral in my search for my own vocation. There was another man that I was holding on to hope for. I became motivated to pray for my Husband-To-Be wherever he may be. I wanted to remain pure for him, both in my body and in my heart.  The scars my family left motivated me to adhere closely to God’s plans for purity and chastity. I knew that it was likely that my future spouse was facing many threats to his purity, as all young people do. Statistics show that couples who are sexually active outside of marriage have a frighteningly higher rate of divorce than those who abstain… I wasn’t interested in being a statistic. I needed the Lord to shower that same superabundance of grace and mercy on the one he was preparing for me.

A few years later, the Lord unexpectedly brought an amazing man into my life. I had previously given up on the male gender, but something about this man challenged my hatred of romance. I will admit I was uncomfortable when I began to see that maybe I was wrong about my tainted view of love and marriage. The Lord was slowly showing me that He was writing my love story. I didn’t have to fear if I followed His ways… but the path would not be easy to accept.

Several months into a sincere and authentic friendship, Mark and I found ourselves in an intense conversation about the future of our relationship. It was clear that we had strong feelings for one another, however as we began to discuss them, my wounds were ripped open and exposed. I was terrified. How could I possibly be vulnerable enough to allow someone the possibility of breaking my heart? I was cold and emotionally unavailable. The cliché line, “it isn’t you, it’s me” encompassed my message. His response was surprising but true. “It is me. You say that, but I am the one that you won’t trust, I am the one that you won’t let into your heart. You say that it is you, but you can’t stay isolated when someone cares as much about you as I do. It is about me.”

I later understood that this was the same message that the Lord was speaking to me. My hardened heart was breaking His heart of mercy. My rejection and fear of healing and freedom was causing Christ great pain. In an attempt to internalize the burden, I placed the load on my own shoulders. I had forgotten that the only way to redemption was to watch that brokenness be lifted and placed on the one who could take it to Calvary. In that same moment, the Lord, my First Love, was saying, “Katie, it is me. I am the one that you won’t trust. I am the one that you won’t let into your heart. You say that it is you, but you can’t stay isolated when someone cares as much about you as I do. It is about me.”

However you are suffering, the Lord wants to meet you in your cavalry and resurrect your broken heart. To the child from a divorced family, remember, you are not your parents. You have the power to break the chain of dysfunction and reclaim the next generation. That power is Christ. Allow Him to cry with you, walk with you and teach you how to love.

___________________________

katieKatie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available atwomaninlove.org). This work coaches young women as they strive for purity through praying for and journaling to their future spouse. She has been blessed to watch hearts come alive with the realization that our faithful God hungers to exceed our deepest desires.

Filed Under: Forgiveness, Sexual Healing, Starting Over

May 2, 2020 By Katie Hartfiel

Are Chick-Flicks Emotional Porn?

Our favorite movies make us feel things. As Hollywood legend Susan Sarandon said, “You go into a little dark room and become incredibly vulnerable. On one hand, all your perspectives can be challenged—you could feel something you couldn’t feel normally. It can encourage you to be the protagonist in your own life. On the other hand, it can completely misshape you.”

I experience this on a personal level. I cry, scream, and freak out in suspense about things that aren’t real. I vividly remember frustratingly tossing my face into my pillow as I finished watching my favorite chick-flick, Ever After, for the first time. Drama breeds drama, and as a teenager at a sleepover in my bestie’s basement—I was suffocating in it. The prince who pursues the main character is chivalrous, respectful, and handsome. He treats her with utter dignity and their love story exudes purity. So why did I feel so bad?

To answer this question I feel compelled to ask another question: are chick flicks emotional porn? The short answer is no. Pornography is an intrinsic evil that kills souls, relationships and sex lives. Romantic movies and novels, (that are devoid of erotic content) are not in and of themselves evil things. However, it is somewhat intriguing to compare some similarities between the two:

  1. Men are often more attracted to matters of the body, women to matters of the heart.

It’s no secret that for many men the draw of pornography is physical arousal. Males tend toward the visual and pornography can draw them in by showing explicit sexual acts. In turn, men are tempted to react in a physical way to these longings. They expect this response to make them feel better, but in reality it can only lead to emptiness.

It is also no secret that pornography addiction is a growing epidemic for women. Many women describe their attraction to porn as a deep desire for someone to long for them with such intensity. This is a hunger for almost all of us as women—the true, raw, and real desire to be desired. There are entire genres of novels, chick-flicks and rom-coms dedicated to us because this is true!

In my personal experience: consuming dramatic films and books, didn’t necessarily arouse me physically, but my heart was definitely spun in knots. These stories awakened the insatiable desire to find love, but as a result it often caused me to despair as I focused on my own uneventful love life. The irony was, that I watched these movies constantly expecting them to make me feel better… But really they usually made me miserable.

  1. Pornography and Chick-Flicks foster a false reality.

Many former porn addicts admit to the fact that porn ruined their sex life because the fabricated images on the screen distorted their sexual appetite. Porn portrays women in an unrealistic light that no woman could live up to off screen. This is why, sadly, many addicts find themselves preferring fantasy to reality.

On a different level, chick-flicks tempt us to compare reality to fiction. Expectations can be a killjoy. When we expect boys to act like Jacob, Augustus, Edward, Noah, Peta or Prince Charming we will always be disappointed. In real life there is no soundtrack, slow motion, rose ceremony or script. Sometimes boys will say and do things that maybe aren’t so well thought out. If we allow our expectations to be molded by dramas and rom-coms, we can easily miss out on the power and beauty of what is real, authentic and unscripted.

  1. Lack of temperance can be our doom.

For those who struggle with porn, the key is to know thyself. It is vital to recognize what situations lead you to the click that draws you in. If this is you, I urge you to fight the battle against pornography and discover the freedom that God desires for you!

I want to again emphasize: Looking at pornography is always grave and sinful but reading or watching dramatic stories may not be so. The key is to know yourself. What affects you? Ask yourself if these media types bring your attention to what is true, good and beautiful or make you depressed? Do they cause you to praise God or curse life? There may be certain times of the month, states of life or specific stories that cause more anguish than others. Ask yourself often if you are in a state to be able to handle these forms of media gracefully.

The best way we can combat these situations is to practice active chastity conscientiously in our daily lives. I encourage you to make a decision to guard your heart as closely as you guard your body. Having the ability to check ourselves at the right time will always show us that truth is better than fiction.

_________________________

ktKatie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which coaches young women as they pray for their future spouse. Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and three daughters. For more on Katie, her books and her DIY purity retreat visit womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Dating, Effects of Porn, How Far is Too Far?, Porn, etc.

August 17, 2017 By Katie Hartfiel

Modesty: Can We Just Agree To Be Reasonable?

Few things light up the comments section like a post on modesty. Reactions range from, “Teaching modesty is body shaming and promotes rape culture!” to “Muumuus and turtlenecks for everyone!” Usually, when people are passionate and polarized about a topic it probably means it is an important one. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all agree on some reasonable common ground?

On one end of the spectrum—It seems commonplace for teens to challenge their school’s “body-shaming” dress codes. The belief for many is that encouraging women to “cover-up” is showing that our bodies are bad and bring about sin. I do not doubt that many people have been hurt by teachings that made them believe that their sexuality is sinful, dirty or gross. For those of you who have heard this type of message, rest assured, it is neither the teaching of the Church or of our Lord.

On the contrary, modesty concerns something so sacred and holy that it is more about reverence than shame. The body’s revelation is kept until a moment of grace and celebration which points to its dignity rather than its disgrace! By way of analogy, at this very moment, the crown-jewel of Lego Friends sets is hiding in my closet awaiting my daughter’s birthday this weekend. It is hidden in a box, inside a box, inside another box underneath a pile of clothes. This isn’t because I am ashamed of it. Rather, when it is revealed at the right moment, the anticipation of its awesomeness will be what makes it so special! Similarly, I have a dear friend who taught her daughter that her body is like “fine china.” It has a specific purpose, not because it is bad but because it is so good.

Of course, one of the main arguments in favor of modesty has to do with helping men avoid temptation.  I recently heard a story of a large family who refused to teach any level of modesty to their daughters after two of their young children were sexually abused despite efforts to dress purely. Along these lines, some argue that these teachings further rape culture insofar as this message can sound as if it blames women for inviting sexual abuse. This couldn’t be further from the heart of the matter. Women should be respected and upheld no matter how they act, dress, or carry themselves. If you are someone who has known the earth-shattering pain of sexual abuse, know without any doubt that you have no fault within you. The evil of sexual abuse is incalculable and no one could ever merit or deserve to be used in such a way. Fortunately, God’s healing heart is infinitely bigger than our pain. He desires to encounter you in your wounds.

Turning to the other extreme in the modesty debate—Dressing modestly is all about love and with that I invite those on the flipside to also act in love. When we see someone dressed scantily, the temptation can be to judge the intentions of the person without knowing anything about them. Oftentimes, people can sit on the other end of the spectrum, judging modesty legalistically which can lead to some unreasonable standards. Consider the Pharisees, who stretched the commandment “Honor the Sabbath” to such an extreme that they even condemned Jesus for healing people on a Saturday! There are realistic standards of modesty that don’t require every ounce of skin to be covered. Ankles and wrists, arms and even knees are reasonable areas of exposure for those who feel comfortable baring them. Believe it or not, ladies can be stylish and modest at the same time.

But what of the proposed responsibility of helping the men in our lives live purely? Think of it this way: I have a few friends who are recovered alcoholics. When I am with them, I refrain from drinking myself. I don’t offer them alcohol in my home and we don’t go to bars together. I don’t do this because I have to, I do it because I love them. If they chose to drink, it is their own choice. However, I am happy to sacrifice in order to support and encourage them in both their struggle and their triumph. In considering modesty, this again becomes a way not to constrict us but to free us to love extravagantly.

The truth is that these sorts of posts aren’t about topics or issues, but about people. Behind every revealing outfit is a person. Behind every visually stimulated man is a person. When we remember to love one another well, modesty no longer becomes a debate but a joy.

______________________________________

Katie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which coaches women as they pray for their future spouse. Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she resides with her husband, Mark, and three daughters. For more on Katie, her books and your first chapter free visit womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Dating, Modesty

July 6, 2017 By Katie Hartfiel

S.O.S. – Sick of Singleness

I recently had the gift of reconnecting with a college roommate I hadn’t seen in many years. She’s amazing. She is a Psychologist who is smart, fun, solid, adventurous, joyful… and single. Over lunch, she said something that has resonated with me in the months afterwards. My friend explained, “I thought I would go to college, meet someone, be married and have children before I turned thirty. Instead, I’m a doctor, have gotten to travel, do ministry and spend countless hours with friends all while getting to relish in a fantastic education experience. Most of these things I would’ve never done if I had married a decade ago as I thought I would. “I just wish someone would’ve told me that maybe my life might take a different trajectory than the traditional college/marriage/babies path. If I would have known then, it might have been easier to accept the ways my life has felt different and I might have enjoyed the last ten years more as the adventure they’ve been, without feeling so much like I was waiting for my life to start.”

Wow.

As someone who spends much of my ministry helping people prayerfully prepare for a future vocation, this struck me to my core. As a friend who has many peers in their thirties experiencing anxiety because of their singleness, my heart ached. As a mother who wants her children to enjoy every ounce of every blessing the Lord provides, her words were strong.

Because the truth is: Wherever we are, whoever we are. God has a plan.

This is easy to say, hard to trust and even more difficult to delight in. This doesn’t mean that singleness isn’t painful. On the contrary, it means that we can’t let the longing in our hearts for communion overshadow the abundant blessings happening now.

I personally struggle with Fear-Of-Missing-Out in many areas of life. If something fun is happening, I want to be a part of it. FOMO (as many call it) can be one of the hardest parts of single life. Some of my unmarried friends express how hard it is to see engagement posts, attend weddings or get excited for baby showers when they feel like they are personally missing out on these joys. The irony is, that letting the temptation of bitterness creep up in the form of FOMO, you will actually miss out on something else—namely, the gratitude, joy and opportunities that are present right now.

To my singles: There are people who the Lord wants to touch in a way that only you can accomplish. There are places He wants you to see and experiences He wants you to have that can only be affective in the freedom you have right now. He wants to speak to you in the silence that you will only have for a time. He wants you to encounter Him in prayer, Sacrament, retreat and devotion while your time is yours and yours alone. Rather than focusing only on what He will do in the future, ask what He is doing today!

This isn’t to say that the ache of singleness should be minimized or ignored. The struggle is real. It can be painful when we have a desire for something good that seems just out of reach.  You may remember longing to grow up. We wanted to stay up late, make our own decisions and eat whatever we wanted. Of course, now we wish we could go back to little responsibility, meals cooked for us and naps… especially naps. What would life be like if the grass wasn’t always greener on the other side, but we gave praise for every blade of green we found right in front of us? A grateful heart makes God’s presence undeniable.

Remember this: The Apostles were hysterical in the boat when the storm raged around them as they cried, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” (Mk 4:35-41).  Yet, it was the storm that gave them the chance to see Jesus’ power. The Lord is always in the boat. He is in control. Sometimes He is sleeping, but He is always in the boat. Let’s not miss the opportunities to be awed by both His plan and power.

______________________________________

Katie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which coaches women as they pray for their future spouse. Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she resides with her husband, Mark, and three daughters. For more on Katie, her books and your first chapter free visit womaninlove.org.

 

Filed Under: Dating, Singleness

May 25, 2017 By Katie Hartfiel

Modesty: What’s the point?

Olympic star Aly Raisman said she knew she would face controversy when she decided to appear in this year’s issue of the “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.” Defending her decision, Aly stated, “…I love my body… women do not have to be modest in order to be respected.”

In reading this, I wrestled with her statement. As St. John Paul II says in his Letter to Women, our worth and “Beauty—not merely physical, but above all spiritual—God bestowed from the very beginning on all and in a particular way on women.” We are remiss when we fail to recognize this in any circumstance! Yes, how true is it that women deserve to be respected and treated with dignity regardless of their appearance, decisions or viewpoints. All people do.

So, while much of Aly’s comment is utterly spot on, how is it  that it also feels way off? While we deserve respect, we might not always get it. In fact, we might even do things that don’t ask for respect, but rather invite others to treat us disrespectfully.

At an 8th grade retreat I spoke at recently, one of the girls made a comment that absolutely nailed it. She said that modesty exists not just in our outfit choices but in how we carry ourselves. As she explained, two girls could be wearing the same modest outfit and one could still be clearly trying to get sexual attention, while another carries herself with grace and humility. While both are fully clothed, they aren’t both exemplifying the virtue of modesty. This mentality can be easily applied on the flip side when considering an athlete’s apparel. During the Olympics, we saw competitors wearing leotards, speedos, spandex and more as a non-sexualized component of their athleticism. Maybe this SI photo shoot doesn’t seem that different.

But it is different, and very much so.

Fact: The Swimsuit Edition isn’t an anatomy book, it’s a publication of women in provocative poses meant to be viewed by men. This magazine it not about respect, it’s about lust. To be frank, immodesty doesn’t exactly stimulate men to rise to an awe of women’s sanctity and “feminine genius.” Instead, brain scans have shown that when men see provocative pictures of women they relate the images with action words that are connected to function and use. The part of the man’s brain associated with objects is activated—thus objectification. Some men even experienced a complete shutdown of the portion of their brain that is used to analyze another person’s feelings, thoughts and intentions! When shown pictures of fully clothed women, however; the test subjects chose words that showed the woman had autonomy and was in control of her life and decisions—in other words, verbs that implied respect. They more easily viewed them as a person.

Furthermore, while we should all be treated with dignity, we must ask, do our actions themselves always deserve respect? I know mine don’t. I find myself falling into decisions that send me hauling it to the confessional. With this, I’d ask, when I mess up, please don’t respect my poor decisions. My best friends are the ones who love me enough to challenge me to do better.

St. John Bosco had a motto for the orphaned boys he raised: “Make it easy to be good and hard to be bad.” This didn’t guarantee their perfect behavior, but it sure increased their chances at sanctity. The irony of these feminist times is that the culture claims to want women to be respected, equal and strong, yet so often the world portrays women in a way that serves lust and use. While we deserve respect, it can be hard to come by. Our chances would probably be greater if we, “made it easy to be respected and hard to be objectified.” The battle for true feminine reverence is real, but the fight isn’t lost. How we approach it matters and can make every difference for both the men and women in our lives.

____________________________

Katie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which coaches young women as they pray for their future spouse. Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she resides with her husband, Mark, and three daughters. For more on Katie, her books and her DIY purity retreat visit womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Dating, Modesty

April 6, 2017 By Katie Hartfiel

Five Bible Verses After a Break-Up

Breaking up is hard to do. Whether it was a mutual decision or a heart-wrencher, the Lord wants to be the object of your rebound. Here are five messages for prayer to allow the Lord to take an active role in your healing.

  1. Comfort– Psalm 34:18-20– The righteous cry out, the Lord hears and he rescues them from all their afflictions. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed. Many are the troubles of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him from them all.

Prayer Prompt: The darkest day in history was the day God died. What could be more hopeless and terrifying? Yet, through the cross, the Lord brought about new life and Resurrection. No one understands pain, betrayal, and unrequited love like Jesus. Let him unite His suffering to yours, so you can also share in His reward.

  1. Loneliness– Isaiah 43:1-5– Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name: you are mine. When you pass through waters, I will be with you; through rivers, you shall not be swept away. When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned, nor will flames consume you. For I, the Lord, am your God, the Holy One of Israel, your savior… Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you… Fear not, for I am with you.

Prayer Prompt: One of the lines in the prayer, Anima Christi says, “Within your wounds, hide me.” During the hardest time of doubt and fear in my own life, I used this image often, asking God to comfort my loneliness and fear by placing me within His Sacred Heart. No one can comprehend the intimacy with which Jesus loves us and unites Himself to us, especially in our weakness.

  1. Trusting God’s Will– 1 Corinthians 2:9– But as it is written: “What eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart, what God has prepared for those who love him.

Prayer Prompt: Your vocation has a name. While it may be impossible to imagine now, the Lord has a best way for you to unite yourself to Him in Heaven. When things are their hardest, we can’t forget to trust the one who knows the last chapter in our love story. God’s plans always exceed our wildest dreams.

  1. Forgiveness– Luke 6:27-28- But to you who hear I say, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

Prayer Prompt: Your ex may or may not feel like your enemy at this moment, but the key to forgiveness is wanting the other to know and love God to their greatest capacity. Fr. Mike Scanlan suggested that we ask the Lord to make those who’ve hurt us even holier than we are if that is His Will. It’s hard to stay angry with someone forever when you earnestly want their sanctity. Pray for them and when the time comes entrust them to Jesus and let them go.

  1. Healing– Mark 5:34– He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has saved you. Go in peace and be cured of your affliction.”

Prayer Prompt: In the Gospels, when people approach Jesus for healing, He first forgives them of their sins. Make your way to reconciliation and give the Lord a clear path of purity to move forward with His healing desires. Additionally, the only thing that can paralyze God in His work in us is our lack of trust. Have the faith that God is the Divine Physician and He will prescribe a regimen of healing if you allow Him!

______________________________

Katie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which coaches young women as they pray for their future spouse. Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and three daughters. For more on Katie, her books and her DIY purity retreat visit womaninlove.org.

 

Filed Under: Breaking Up, Dating, Starting Over

December 5, 2016 By Katie Hartfiel

After the sin, whose voice do you hear?

The devil has a way of making a sin look like no big deal when you are thinking of committing it, but too big of a deal for God to forgive after you’ve done it. We’ve all experienced the endless voices of harsh thoughts after we’ve made mistakes. So, how do we know which voices are from God?

If you’ve fallen in your pursuit of purity, it’s important to know the difference between condemnation and conviction. Condemnation is the voice of guilt that makes us feel damaged, worthless and shameful. This was the reaction of Adam and Eve when they hid from God in the garden. Their feelings of condemnation resulted in their failure to run to His mercy— and this was what hurt Him most of all! Conviction, on the other, hand allows us to see how we have failed and therefore calls us to change. This is why St. Thérèse could say that her weakness and wretchedness was like an elevator that kept her close to God. Conviction motivates us to hold fast to mercy.

How about you? Have you made mistakes? Have you fallen in your path to purity? Have you made choices you aren’t proud of? Do you feel the weight on your conscience? Do you hate your sin? Welcome to the club!

We’ve all heard people talk about “Catholic Guilt.” The misconception is that Catholics are shamed into good behavior because of inner condemnations.  On the contrary, when we make a mistake, our conscience knows we were created for more. The healthy version of “Catholic Guilt” gives us the drive to find out what that “more” is all about.

Chances are you’ve heard some follow-up chatter in your mind and felt it in your heart as you’ve wallowed in guilt. So, how do you know if these thoughts and voices come from God? Here are some ways to discern God’s voice from all the others:

  • God speaks with conviction, not condemnation. His voice never encourages shame, only an invitation to conversion. It’s God’s kindness that pursues our brokenness. Psalm 23:6
  • The voice of God doesn’t make us feel hopeless, but always provides a way out. 1 Corinthians 10:13
  • God’s voice is usually gentle, not harsh or obtrusive. 1 Kings 19:12
  • The devil will make you feel like there are these daunting labels put upon you that are too overwhelming to overcome (you’re selfish, worthless, impure etc.). God will call you to precise, specific ways to turn from sin and encounter Him. John 16:8
  • God’s voice makes us feel like everything is under control. 2 Chronicles 20:6
  • The God whose words created the universe wants to speak peace into your life. The devil wants to speak discord and indignity. Philippians 4:17
  • God came not to ruin our joy but to fulfill it. When you encounter a voice ask, “Does this voice bring me abundant life or shrink my heart?” John 10:10
  • God’s word strikes us in a place that no one else can access. His word penetrates us in a way nothing else can. Hebrews 4:12

To hear the Lord, we must give Him a chance to speak. Our lives are so full of distractions and in every moment the world is vying for our attention! God wants to speak His love into your shame. It’s in this relationship with Jesus that we can discover that it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance. His mercy wants to recreate you in His love! Jesus doesn’t come to us in anger but rather with a desire to reconcile so that you can be together forever. Let His voice calm the storm in your heart and heal you in the way only He can!

_________________________

ktKatie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which coaches young women as they pray for their future spouse. Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and three daughters. For more on Katie, her books and her DIY purity retreat visit womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Forgiveness, Sexual Healing, Starting Over

August 25, 2016 By Katie Hartfiel

How to talk to friends about chastity . . . without losing them

I am often approached by young people who begin our conversation with the phrase, “So I have this friend…” Many people want to reach out to others but are afraid of being labeled as “judgy” or a “shamer.” We want to be nice, helpful and convicted as Catholics—and sometimes it’s confusing to figure out how all those can fit together.

Being a disciple doesn’t mean telling others how to live their lives; being a disciple means walking with others on our shared journey to Heaven. Our love should permeate the joyful conversations as well as the difficult ones.

So how do we do this? Here are some pro-tips to get you started on these tough topics:

  1. Pray for healing for your own understanding of sexuality. As Jason Evert says, “The world doesn’t glorify sex; It fails to see its glory.” In its proper context and at the right time, God wants us to say yes to sex. Do you know it, believe it, and live it?
  2. Know your personal testimony of purity. “Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope” (1 Peter 3:15). How and why has God called you to practice the virtue of chastity? Be prepared to share this witness.
  3. Words are important, but actions set the stage. Show your friends your extreme love through service and sacrifice. This way, when you tell them you are speaking out of love, they know it’s true because they’ve experienced it first.
  4. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. This is the real secret weapon to all difficult dialogue in life. Only God knows when someone is in the mode to receive your message. If your friend is hangry, having a bad day or over-tired, they might not respond well. On the other hand, in different circumstances, you could say the exact same thing and have very different results. If grace is flowing and the Spirit is moving, big things can happen. Don’t force conversations. Pray hard and often that the Holy Spirit will open doors for tough discussions and then tell you when the doors are open. When this happens: game on. He will give you the words if you let Him.
  5. Have a disposition of love before you even start the conversation. Your friend will likely want to defend their actions and may feel judged. Make it your goal to be a witness of love. Be sure every word that flows out of your mouth points to compassion.
  6. Know your stuff. Look for resources on whatever topic you are addressing. Whether it is impure relationships, pornography, modesty, homosexuality, transgenderism, birth control or starting over, check out some solid truths on why we believe what we believe.
  7. If you find yourself stumped, it’s ok to say, “I’m not sure, but I will find the answer for you.” You don’t have to know everything, but you can point others in a direction to find out more.

God’s teaching on sexuality is all about love—even when it’s hard. His teaching on friendship is all about love—even when it is hard. Real friends love each other enough to speak truth. If you saw a group of blind people about to walk off a cliff, you wouldn’t hesitate to shout a warning. It wouldn’t be because you thought you were better than them, but because you had a heart!

The Lord chose you for your friends, not as a critic but as a witness. He wants to use you to love them right where they are and also to draw them closer to Him. If you ask Him to help you love them like He does, expect Him to answer.

_____________________

ktKatie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which coaches young women as they pray for their future spouse. Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and three daughters. For more on Katie, her books and her DIY purity retreat visit womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Abstinence Education, Dating, How to Stay Pure

February 29, 2016 By Katie Hartfiel

5 Modesty Hacks To Save Your Wardrobe

When it comes to purity, often the hardest topic to sell to young women is that of modesty. As a teenager I had a close and personal relationship with my closet. Part of me would rather sacrifice my right arm than some of my favorite outfits. However, sanctity comes with sacrifice, and your sacrifice will not go unrewarded. Each time you grab your garb and find yourself questioning its modesty quotient I encourage you to wear your crown of virtue instead.

“To defend his purity, Saint Francis of Assisi rolled in the snow, Saint Benedict threw himself into a thorn bush, Saint Bernard plunged himself into an icy pond. You, what have you done?”

-Saint Josemaria Escriva

However, thankfully, a life of modesty doesn’t have to exclusively mean wearing a muumuu or habits. Before you flail yourself on your bed and wail, “I have nothing to wear,” check out these tips that can baptize some of your favorite fashions:

  1. Extender: While not every crop top or short skirt can receive a stamp of modesty approval with a lace extender—many can! These garments go under a top or bottom to provide some extra inches. Purchase one or make your own to add a feminine layer of class and style.
  2. Bandeaus: Wait…What? A bandeau hardly seems to fit into a modesty discussion. However, as many of you have realized—Modest is hottest—and I mean that in the most literal sense. As a Texas resident, I can assure you that adding a layer in hot weather can sometimes be torturous. A wide bandeau can add the perfect amount of height under a low cut top without adding unwanted insulation. Plus, at just a few bucks a piece, I’ll take one in every color, please!
  3. Go Strapless… Sort of: Let’s be honest—bra straps are not classy. Sometimes a perfectly modest scoop neck or thick racer back can maneuver in a way that allows others to see something they shouldn’t. It makes sense that sneaky straps would call to mind their hidden counterparts when they escape. For those unpredictable tops, choose a strapless undergarment and forget about it.
  4. The Faithful Cami: I am often shocked at how often I can see right through a stranger’s clothing. Before anyone accuses me of being “judgy” my reaction is generally just embarrassment! To prevent unintentional indecent exposure, place your hand inside clothing items before putting them on and hold them up in front of a good light. If you can see through, then throw a simple cami under a shirt or a ½ slip under a skirt/dress.
  5. The Bolero: My favorite thing about a bolero is that it rarely sacrifices your over-all look. This no-frump option can be used in a casual setting, or dressed up for Mass, weddings or evening. I may or may not have an over abundance of these babies.

If you’re the adventurous, treasure hunting type, I recommend my favorite clothing sources: Ross or Marshall’s. They regularly carry five dollar bandeaus and camis and ten dollar boleros and shrugs. Sometimes modesty can be frustrating, but this sort of retail therapy just feels oh-so-good.

______________________________

katieKatie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which chronicles her developing a relationship with the Lord as her First Love allowed Him to mold her for her Second Love (vocation). Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. For more on Katie and her books, visit www.womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Dating, Modesty

January 21, 2016 By Katie Hartfiel

Child of Mercy

As she sat across from us, her pain was almost palpable. A family friend sat with my then-fiancé and I as she lamented about her oldest son’s behavior problems. He struggled with nutrition, attention deficit and general disobedience. As she went on, she eventually divulged the real, haunting, deep truth behind her struggle. The root of her pain wasn’t her son’s difficulties, but rather her own guilt. She explained that her son had been conceived out of wedlock and she felt that her sin was the reason for his problems as he grew. This woman felt that her son was being punished for her impurity.

You know, it’s amazing how the devil tricks us into believing sin is no big deal when we are tempted with it only to then convince us that our sin is too big of a deal for God to forgive once we have committed it. My husband didn’t miss a beat as he began to speak truth to her. “Your son isn’t a child of sin; he is a child of mercy. God’s all encompassing plan is so big, that it can cover even our sins. Our God can bring a good out of every evil if only we let Him.”

Years later this same friend pinpointed this day as a pivotal moment in her walk toward healing. She began to see that God didn’t give her punishment for her sin, but a miracle instead. Finally, she was free to help her son carry His cross with Christ’s strength rather than her own.

Flash-forward thirteen years and now I am a parent as well. I can say without a doubt that it is the most wonderful and most difficult thing I will ever do. The reality is that many times it feels like I am letting my heart walk around outside my body. Hands down, my kids are the greatest miracle I have ever witnessed. It wasn’t a coincidence that God set up the family and later declared that “Where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst of them” (Mt 18:20).

For our friend and for many facing unplanned pregnancies, the thought of a child is terrifying. Yes, a child changes everything especially when conceived outside of marriage. However, it is the habit of our God to make miracles out of our messes. We only have to look at the image of the cross and the echo of the Resurrection to see that this is how God operates.

January is Right to Life month as we commit to pray for the many women in turmoil as they confront an unplanned pregnancy. In a world that emphasizes hate, let us pray for these children of mercy! Jesus declared that, “Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me” (Matt 18:5). God doesn’t promise our lives will be easy, but He promises great fruits from those who trust in His ways. Whether you’re broken, impure, struggling with your sexuality, pregnant, addicted or lonely, God wants to hide you in His wounds. Our God is a Father that desires not to work in spite of your weakness but through it. Lord, show us the fruits of your mercy.

______________________

katieKatie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which chronicles her developing a relationship with the Lord as her First Love allowed Him to mold her for her Second Love (vocation). Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and three daughters. For more on Katie and her books, visit www.womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Abortion, Birth Control & STDs, Forgiveness, Sexual Healing, Starting Over

January 8, 2016 By Katie Hartfiel

¿Cómo Usar la Biblia Para Rezar Por Tu Futuro/a (o Actual) Marido/Esposa?

Rezar por mi futuro marido fue una de las claves de mi decisión para permanecer pura en la adolescencia. Básicamente, años más tarde descubrimos que mi decisión de dedicar estas oraciones coincidía con la fecha de la espontánea conversión de mi prometido. Hace pocos años, durante una conferencia, una mujer preguntó cómo rezo ahora por mi marido. Es increíble cómo a veces el Espíritu Santo se comunica desafiándome delante de una sala llena de gente.

Afortunadamente, volví de nuevo a trabajar junto con mi Biblia y mi diario de oración. Desarrollé un plan a prueba de fallos, práctico, para rezar las Sagradas Escrituras por mi marido. Una vez más, ¡vi que mi corazón ardía! Aquí están algunos de los versículos de mi diario personal que puede que os beneficien a ti y a tu (futuro/a o actual) marido/esposa.

Peticiones Generales

  1. Pureza – Colosenses 3, 5: Así pues, dejad muertos vuestros miembros a las cosas terrestres: a las fornicaciones, a la impureza, a las pasiones, al apetito desordenado y a la codicia que es culto de los ídolos.

Oración: Pide que tu marido sea puro por las razones adecuadas: cariño, conocimiento, y amor a Cristo. Reza para que entienda que el pecado no rompe las reglas, sino el corazón.

  1. Sanación – Salmos 147, 3: Sana a los de roto corazón, y venda sus heridas.

Oración: Todos tenemos heridas, pero Dios saca de cada mal un bien mucho mayor.

  1. Perdón mutuo – 1 Pedro 4, 8: Ante todo, insistid en la caridad mutua, pues la caridad cubre muchedumbre de pecados.

Oración: Pide que el amor sea la fuente de todo lo que hagáis, cuando las cosas vayan bien y cuando atraveséis dificultades.

  1. Protección – Salmos 91, 14-15: Pues él se abraza a mí, yo he de ampararle; le exaltaré, pues conoce mi nombre. Me llamará y yo responderé; en la desgracia yo estaré a su lado; le libraré y le glorificaré.

Oración: ¡Pide que el Espíritu Santo sea un escudo y proteja cada ámbito de la vida de tu marido/esposa!

  1. Agradecimiento – Filipenses 1, 3-6: Cuántas veces me acuerdo de vosotros doy gracias a mi Dios, haciendo súplicas siempre en todas mis oraciones por vosotros con alegría, por vuestra participación en el progreso del Evangelio desde el primer día hasta ahora, persuadido de que quien comenzó en vosotros la buena obra la llevará a feliz término para el día de Cristo Jesús.

Oración: Ofrécele a Dios gratitud por la vocación que Él ha provisto o proveerá. Pídele ser el instrumento mediante el que Dios continuará el buen trabajo que Él ha empezado en tu marido/esposa.

  1. Confiar en el Señor – Filipenses 4, 6-7: No os inquietéis por cosa alguna, sino más bien en toda oración y plegaria presentad al Señor vuestras necesidades con acción de gracias. Y la paz de Dios que sobrepasa toda inteligencia guardará vuestros corazones y vuestros pensamientos en Cristo Jesús.

Oración: El estrés no es cosa de Dios. Pide que la paz de Cristo envuelva a tu marido/esposa.

  1. Matrimonio divino – Tobías 8, 7: Ahora, Señor, tomo a mi prima, no por placer sino con elevados sentimientos. Ten misericordia de los dos y haz que vivamos larga vida.

Oración: Nada más que decir. ¡Este es el deseo que todos tenemos para nuestro/a marido/esposa y matrimonio!

Protegiéndole (a él o a ella) de Pies a Cabeza:

  1. Mente – Romanos 12, 2: Y no os adaptéis a este mundo; al contrario, reformaos para la renovación de vuestro entendimiento para que sepáis distinguir cuál es la voluntad de Dios: lo bueno, lo agradable a Él, lo perfecto.

Oración: ¡La batalla comienza en el interior! ¡Reza por la pureza de mente de tu marido/esposa!

  1. Ojos – Mateo 6, 22-23: La luz del cuerpo es el ojo. Por tanto, si tu ojo estuviese sano, todo tu cuerpo estará en la luz; pero si tu ojo estuviere enfermo, todo tu cuerpo estará oscuro. Y si la luz que hay en ti son tinieblas, ¿cuánta será la oscuridad?

Oración: Pide por la protección y triunfo sobre la pornografía y las imágenes que han entrado a través de los ojos de tu marido/esposa.

  1. Boca – Lucas 6, 45: El hombre bueno saca el bien del buen tesoro de su corazón; y el malo saca lo malo del suyo perverso; porque de la abundancia del corazón habla la boca.

Oración: Que las palabras de tu marido/esposa sean una prueba de que su corazón está lleno del Señor.

  1. Oídos – Juan 10, 27: Mis ovejas escuchan mi voz. Yo las conozco y ellas me siguen.

Oración: Hay muchas voces en el mundo compitiendo por la atención de tu marido/esposa – pídele al Señor que dé Su voz a conocer.

  1. Corazón – Salmos 73, 26: Languidecen mi carne y corazón: ¡oh roca de mis entrañas, mi porción, Dios, por siempre!

Oración: Pídele al Señor que os dé a ambos Su corazón para amaros el uno al otro.

  1. Brazos – Génesis 2, 24: Este es el por qué el hombre deja a su padre y a su madre y se une a su mujer, y son los dos una sola carne.

Oración: Mientras estéis unidos el uno al otro ahora o en el futuro, pide que vuestro abrazo os lleve siempre cerca del Señor.

  1. Pies – Salmos 37, 31: La ley de Dios está en su corazón, y su paso no vacila.

Oración: Pide al Señor que guíe el discernimiento de tu marido/esposa en cada aspecto de su vida.

  1. Dedo anular – Marcos 10, 9: Pues bien, lo que Dios ha unido, no debe separarlo el hombre.

Oración: Reza por la fidelidad en un mundo de infidelidad. Dios quiere que escribas tu historia de amor desde ahora hasta tu muerte. ¡Entrégate a tu (futuro/a o actual) marido/esposa junto con tus miedos y oración para que ninguno de vosotros olvide nunca que hay tres miembros en vuestro matrimonio!

___________________________

katieKatie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which chronicles how developing a relationship with the Lord as her First Love allowed Him to mold her for her Second Love (vocation). Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. For more on Katie and her books, visit www.womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Dating, Español

September 29, 2015 By Katie Hartfiel

The Vocation Fixation: What Does God Want?

I once heard a religious sister’s vocation story where she described her discernment process as the feeling that God was holding her vocation hostage… and it was her job to negotiate its release! She eventually discovered the truth that Fr. Mike Schmitz puts so well when he says, “God won’t ask you to answer a question that He hasn’t asked yet.” To stress or not to stress—this seems to be the question. However, almost all young Catholics who are dedicated to their faith seriously wrestle with the notion of, “What is my vocation, and how proactive should I be about figuring it out?”

The answer to this question is one of the most important decisions of your life. In a recent homily, Cardinal Sean O’Malley spoke of this very notion as he explained that God knows you better than you know yourself. Based on the way He created you, He knows the quickest, shortest, fastest, and easiest way for you to get to Heaven. This plan is particular and singular, meant only for you! The Cardinal explained that your joy, happiness, and fulfillment depend on getting your vocation right! However, it doesn’t stop there. The joy, happiness and fulfillment of others also depend on you getting this one right. It’s a big choice, but it isn’t one you should make alone. God wants to speak loud and clear and there are four ways you can help Him to do so while also accepting His timing:

  1. Purity brings clarity: Jesus promises that the pure of heart will see God (Matthew 5:8). In a unique way, we encounter God through our vocation by way of a pure total gift of self. Impure choices (both on and offline) muffle God’s voice in our life. Whether through pornography, impure thoughts, or physical sexual encounters, your ability to discern depends on your purity. Answering God’s call for purity is the only way to open yourself to answer His call for your future. Seek resources for breaking free from addiction and discovering sexual healing. Most importantly, perfection isn’t a requirement, which is why we must stay close to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
  1. Realize you aren’t waiting for your life to start: God is already writing your story. Your love story doesn’t begin when you discover the religious order or human spouse you will marry. Your love story is happening right now! God wants to actively and passionately move and work in your life in this very moment! When you become comfortable in your faith, that is when God is calling you to move forward. The journey is just as important as the destination.
  1. Be Open: Just as you date people to see if they are marriage material, discover what life as a priest or sister is really Let go of expectations and fears and actively give God a chance to surprise you… because His surprises are always the best ones.
  1. Pray the “Yes Prayer”: Many people confuse discernment with figuring out the answers to life’s questions. In actuality, discernment isn’t as much about us finding answers as it is about us letting go. The champion of purity, self-gift, and discernment is the Blessed Mother. Mary is best known for her “yes” at the Annunciation; however this was only one of billions of yeses that she offered daily in her life. This is the idea behind the “Yes Prayer,” which is a simple repetition of that surrender. Each day before your feet hit the floor, you simply say, “Whatever you have for me today Lord, my answer is ‘yes.'” When this becomes your way of life, and you habitually say yes to God’s daily plan, then surely you will be ready to give an enthusiastic, trustful “YES!” at the moment God delivers your vocation.

Remember, the fact of the matter is, that God is never late and never early, and He knows the name of your vocation at this very minute! Whatever it may be, God has a perfect plan in store for you and all He requires is your faithfulness!

______________________

katieKatie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, a work which chronicles how developing a relationship with the Lord as her First Love allowed Him to mold her for her Second Love (vocation). Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. For more on Katie and her books, visit www.womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Dating, Vocations

August 20, 2015 By Katie Hartfiel

How to use the Bible to Pray For Your Future (or Current) Spouse

Praying for my future spouse was one of the keys to my decision to stay pure as a teen. Ultimately, years later we discovered that my decision to dedicate myself to these prayers coincided with the date of the spontaneous conversion of my Husband-To-Be. A few years ago during a speaking engagement, a woman asked how I pray for my husband now. [Insert awkward bumbling shuffle here] It’s great how sometimes the Holy Spirit communicates by calling me out in front of a room full of people.

Thankfully I got back in the saddle along with my Bible and prayer journal. I developed a fail-proof, practical plan for praying Scripture over my husband. Once again, I found that my heart would be set afire! Here are some of the verses from my own journal that may benefit you and you

For (future or current) spouse:

                                                                General Petitions

  1. Purity – Colossians 3:5- Put to death, then, the parts of you that are earthly: immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and the greed that is idolatry.

 Prayer prompt: Ask that your spouse will be pure for all the right reasons: love, knowledge, and affection for Christ. Pray that he/she will know that sin isn’t breaking a rule, but breaking a heart.

  1. Healing– Psalm 147:3– He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds.

Prayer Prompt: We all have wounds, but God can bring a greater good out of every evil.

  1. Mutual Forgiveness– 1 Peter 4:8– Above all, let your love for one another be intense, because love covers a multitude of sins.

Prayer Prompt: Ask that love will be the source of all you do, when things are good and when they are hard.

  1. Protection– Psalm 91:14-15– Because he clings to me I will deliver him; because he knows my name I will set him on high. He will call upon me and I will answer; I will be with him in distress; I will deliver him and give him honor.

Prayer Prompt: Invite the Holy Spirit to be a shield and guard over every aspect of your spouse’s life!

  1. Thanksgiving– Phil 1:3-6- I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you, praying always with joy in my every prayer for all of you, because of your partnership for the gospel from the first day until now. I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you will continue to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Prayer Prompt: Offer God gratitude for the vocation He has or will provide. Ask that you will be a vessel as God continues the good work He has begun in your spouse.

  1. Trust in the Lord– Phil 4:6-7- Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Prayer Prompt: Stress isn’t from God. Ask for the peace of Christ to envelop your spouse.

  1. Godly Marriage– Tobit 8:7– Now, Lord, you know that I take this wife of mine not because of lust, but for a noble purpose. Call down your mercy on me and on her, and allow us to live together to a happy old age. Bless us with children.

Prayer Prompt: ‘Nuff said. This is the desire we all have for our spouse and marriage!

Covering Him/Her From Head to Toe

  1. Mind– Romans 12:2- Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.

Prayer Prompt: The battle begins on the inside! Pray for purity of mind for your spouse!

  1. Eyes– Matthew 6:22-23- The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is sound, your whole body will be filled with light; but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be in darkness. And if the light in you is darkness, how great will the darkness be.

Prayer Prompt: Ask for protection and triumph over pornography and images that have entered your spouse through his/her eyes.

  1. Mouth- Luke 6:45- A good person out of the store of goodness in his heart produces good, but an evil person out of a store of evil produces evil; for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks.

Prayer Prompt: That your spouse’s words will be proof that their heart is filled with the Lord.

  1. Ears – John 10:27- My sheep hear my voice; I know them, and they follow me.

Prayer Prompt: There are many voices in the world competing for your husband/wife’s attention – ask that the Lord will make His voice known.

  1. Heart– Psalm 73:6– Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever.

Prayer Prompt: Invite the Lord to give you both His heart to love one another.

  1. Arms– Genesis 2:24– That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.

Prayer Prompt: As you cling to one another now or in the future, ask that your embrace will always draw you closer to the Lord.

  1. Feet– Psalm 37:31– God’s teaching is in his heart; his steps do not falter

Prayer Prompt: Invite the Lord to guide the discernment of your spouse in every aspect of his/her life.

  1. Ring Finger– Mark 10:9– Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.

Prayer Prompt: Pray for faithfulness in a faithless world. God wants to write your love story from now until death. Surrender your (current or future spouse) along with your fears and pray that neither of you will ever forget that there are three members to your marriage!

___________________________

katieKatie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which chronicles how developing a relationship with the Lord as her First Love allowed Him to mold her for her Second Love (vocation). Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. For more on Katie and her books, visit www.womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Dating

May 12, 2015 By Katie Hartfiel

If the Devil Can’t Get You To Settle, He Has a Plan B

Jackie Francois-Angel’s wildly popular article, “The Devil Wants You to Settle in Your Relationship,” sets forth several gut-check questions to help you determine if your relationship is “heaven-sent.” Jackie’s observations are spot on for pure Catholic singles, as well as for those who find significant others who hinder their purity. I strongly believe that the devil’s Plan A is to get you settle for less, but for those of you who aren’t about to fall for this trick: He has an alternative strategy.

In my own journey, I wanted to believe I could find a man that would propel me toward holiness but I was jaded by brokenness. I had said yes to chastity, and refused to settle, yet I didn’t believe that happy endings really existed. Each year, I receive many raw, heartbreaking e-mails from people who relate.

If you aren’t about to settle, the devil will try to rob your hope. Below are the top 3 anxieties I hear most often:

#1. I am afraid that one day the romance will fizzle out:

My husband, Mark, and I have been married for a decade. I can tell you with honesty that yes, things are different then they were ten years ago. For example, I don’t usually get butterflies unless he is changing a diaper. Generally, I wouldn’t say our daily life is overly romantic. However, we both agree that this life is even better. Although my love for Mark doesn’t feel as much like a fairy tale as it once did, it does feel like Happily Ever After—which happens to be the best part of the story.

“Intimacy” has often been defined as: “into-me-see.” I feel like my husband is a part of me—almost like we have one heart. In the same way that I am not always conscience of my own heart beating, it still keeps me alive. I might not always be daydreaming about Mark, but his heart, united with mine, is a driving factor of my everyday life.

#2. How do I know he/she will be faithful?

Dating and marrying with the right intentions while maintaining a Christ-centered relationship gives you a really fantastic chance of thriving in this category. Of course we all have the choice to sin. Yes, it sometimes happens, but in general, couples who live in chastity before and after marriage, have the benefit of some serious fidelity insurance. Chastity breeds virtue and self-control in every area of life.

I personally come from a home broken by infidelity. When it came down to deciding whether to give Mark a chance, I had a decision to make. I finally realized that I didn’t want to live life without Mark. Suddenly it wasn’t about trusting a man, it was about trusting Mark. It wasn’t about being afraid that someone would hurt me, it was about being confident that Mark wouldn’t. Mark changed everything. A hypothetical man couldn’t do that, but Mark did. Your vocation is out there, and your vocation has a name. God is faithful and you never have to fear His plan.

#3. Everywhere I look I see miserable marriages and broken hearts. Is it possible to find someone to love me like I want to be loved?

Happy, holy marriages are everywhere, but you probably won’t see many on television. There are many loud, verbal, unhealthy relationships in the world, but it doesn’t have to be yours! Personally, I have known hundreds of couples in amazing, fruitful relationships. On top of this, each year, I encounter holy, single men and women seeking God, purity and His plan. They are out there. While you wait, avoid the temptation of feeling like your story hasn’t started. Live it now as you become the person God wants deliver to your vocation!

Ultimately, keep your eyes on the prize, and try not to worry about things that haven’t happened. When I look back on all of my fears, I wish I’d have spent my energy on something else. My anxiety simply kept me from being the person I wanted to be. Trust in Jesus—He won’t disappoint.
___________________________

katieKatie Hartfiel is the author of Woman In Love, which chronicles how developing a relationship with the Lord as her First Love allowed Him to mold her for her Second Love (vocation). Katie received her Theology degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. For more on Katie and her books, visit www.womaninlove.org.

Filed Under: Dating

November 28, 2014 By Katie Hartfiel

Don’t Open Your Presents Before Christmas

In 1994, there was no choice but to wait. I remember how the world was rocked when a new technology began to shorten the distance between people, making communication easier and more instant. Three words changed everything: Dial-Up Internet. Oh yeah, I have vivid memories of waiting just a few short minutes to connect to the World Wide Web. The shrieking sounds that blared from a machine that weighed twice as much as me were hardly annoying… they were exhilarating. Information, electronic mail, frogger, and finally another development: mp3 downloads. Mind.Blown. Gone were the days of waiting for your favorite song to come on the radio so you could hit “record” on your tape deck. We could download any tune just by waiting a mere 30 minutes per song. God bless the person who picked up the phone in the middle of a Napster binge.

For all of history, waiting has been a part of life. However, in our modern era waiting seems to be less inevitable than ever. We once waited a week just for photos to be developed; now they are on all our friend’s devices within moments of our snap. E-mail, text, video-on-demand, Google and more ensure that every whim, desire and question is answered within moments of our asking.

We have become a vending machine culture. We ask; we receive. We expect it of our wifi, cable and cell-phone carriers. We expect it of God. We even expect it of our human relationships. We have forgotten how to wait. We have forgotten how to long for, how to desire and how to anticipate… well, anything.

So what happens when we encourage a generation who has everything at their fingertips to wait for marriage to engage in sexual activity? Well, honestly, it doesn’t make much sense. At first glance, saving sex for marriage isn’t entirely attractive; it’s just sort-of, well, hard. The truth is that in my years of speaking on the chastity message, I have had hundreds tell me that they wish that they would’ve waited… but never once have I had someone tell me that they wished they wouldn’t have.

There is something sacred about waiting. In fact, the anticipation of something doesn’t just make the event more special, it changes you. In my relationship with my husband, we found that as we got closer to our wedding day, chastity seemed to grow more and more difficult. We were determined to save ourselves for our wedding, and as the day approached the anticipation sometimes felt like it would kill us. Thankfully, we survived virginity just fine, and what we found was that we were strengthened invaluably through our dedication to the chaste life. Our communication with one another, mutual respect, hunger for each other’s holiness and self-control has translated enormously into every aspect of our marriage. For that, I wouldn’t trade a moment of the wait.

Because the Church is so smart, there is a whole season dedicated to learning to wait- and that season is upon us right now. We don’t open our presents before Christmas and it’s the anticipation that increases the meaning of the gift. So it is with sex, but also with every aspect of our life. This is true throughout human history. Advent reminds us of the people who came before Christ, who knew that after death, there was only imprisonment awaiting them. They knew those who died weren’t “in a better place,” because the Savior hadn’t come to set them free. They were waiting- for thousands of years, for God to come through on His promise to save His people. They were starving for a Savior. We remember, for the four weeks of Advent, that we too are nothing, dead, without Christ. As all of Creation held their breath when the Christ-child came into the world, we too should feel like we are finally truly alive when we recognize what Jesus’ birth means this Christmas. Jesus is inviting you this Advent, to draw near to Him, and let Him transform you. He will always keep His promise, and your gift of chastity this Christmas is one that He wants to reward in ways you could never imagine. Wait. Let Christ exceed your wildest expectations as Love Himself, is born in your heart.

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katieKatie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org).

 

 

Filed Under: Dating, Engagement, Sex

October 10, 2014 By Katie Hartfiel

Dance Like Someone Is Watching

I’ll never forget a conversation from a few years ago with a teen who was in anguish about her first middle school dance. It wasn’t deliberations about her dress or hair that caused knots in her stomach and kept her awake at night. There was another decision that lay before her just wasn’t sitting right. Her friends on the other hand were excited for her as they built up the night as the moment that would end her “grinding virginity.” I listened as this girl explained her inner battle as she wondered if she had the courage to march to the beat of a different drum.

As any middle or high schooler knows, this “dance” has made its way from nightclubs to homecomings as a cultural norm for this generation. Grinding’s cousin, “twerking” has added some variation to the craze, and not in a good way.

So the burning question arises, can the way you dance really harm your purity? To start, let’s try to answer this question with some questions of our own:

  1. What is the first thing you think of when you see someone dancing provocatively?
  2. Are dignity and honor demanded through suggestive dance moves?
  3. How would you feel if your parents, pastor, youth minister or future spouse saw you grinding with another person?

The truth is, if you’re asking the question, you probably already know the answer. Sexuality, within the context God created it, is meant to bring us closer to the Lord. Grinding and other provocative moves clearly don’t point to holiness. If you are looking for a boy/girlfriend who will walk to the Lord with you, you won’t find them while imitating sex on the dance floor.

Reflecting on this very topic, a friend of mine, who happens to be a twenty year old male college student, put it beautifully. “It is for good reason that the first dance for a newlywed couple at a wedding reception is held for everyone to see—it is an outward sign of affection between the bride and groom. I have never heard of a newlywed couple grinding during their first dance—for good reason. The dance should show how much the two outwardly love each other, not express their sexual desires.” Is the sexual union a huge part of the sacrament of marriage? You bet it is! However, in regards to dancing, the couple publically shows their union in a totally different way. Their sexual expression of love is saved for a private moment… much to the relief of all in attendance!

As John Paul II says, “The body, and it alone, is capable of making visible what is invisible: the spiritual and the divine.” The Lord gave us the physical world to point to Him. Dance has been a physical expression across cultures for all of time. Just like all art, it is an opportunity to make visible what is invisible. The question is, what will you make visible? Will you express the spiritual and the divine? Will you raise the minds of others to love or lower it to lust?

We all know the popular quote, “Sing like nobody’s listening, love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like nobody’s watching.” In debates on grinding, many people love to state that this is a personal decision that schools shouldn’t be allowed to restrict or ban. OK… however, a dance floor is definitely a public arena, and sexual acts are clearly a private choice. In this case, please dance like somebody’s watching, because they are. In the words of Daniel, my hip-hop dancing, professional choreographing, full-time youth minister friend, “if grinding is the way you prefer to dance, then it proves you don’t know how to dance. Let’s be honest, that’s something nobody else wants to see.”

As for the distressed middle school girl I spoke about earlier… she chose not to grind and she did so for all the right reasons. She is now a junior, and still a “grinding virgin.” In her words, believe it or not, she’s “survived just fine.”

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katieKatie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org).

 

Filed Under: Dating

October 3, 2014 By Katie Hartfiel

The Buzzword Shared By 50 Shades and the Bible

With the rise in popularity of the book turned film, 50 Shades of Grey, the word “submission” has suddenly risen from taboo, to chic for many avid fans. Ironically, a hipster-minded Catholic might venture to explain that we’ve been embracing a teaching on submission long before it was riddling the pages the pop culture phenomena… just in a very different context. I would dare to even say, that Scripture’s definition is more attractive, romantic, and passionate than any romance novel could ever portray.

The word, submission shows up most notably in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians where he says, “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body.As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything” (v.22-24). For many, these few sentences fell like battery acid poured their eye. In order to appreciate the true meaning of this, let’s look more closely at what the word submission really means.

We all know that the word “sub” means under. We could say therefore that “sub-mission” is equivalent to being “under the mission of.” What is this mission of the husband? Well, in the words of Saint John Paul the Great, “It is the duty of every man, to uphold the dignity if every woman.” When Saint Paul speaks of wives being submissive to their husbands, he is speaking of this very thing. In fact, he goes on, in this same passage, to boldly say that husbands should “love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her” (v. 25). Wow. Our all-powerful God makes Himself the subordinate One in order to lay down His life for His bride (the Church). Saint Paul invites all married men to do the same: live their lives ordered to the holiness of their wife and children.

Ultimately, the fulfillment of our dignity is understood in Heaven. All human relationships, romantic or platonic, have one purpose: to bring another to holiness. In the garden, this became the desire of Adam’s heart, to share the Paradise of God with another. In the vocation of marriage, a husband stands before God promising to do this very thing—to make it his mission to bring his wife to the Paradise of Heaven.

What woman in love with Christ wouldn’t want to be under that mission? I can almost hear all the Catholic single ladies across America shout “Amen!!” Our response as women isn’t to blindly do whatever our husband says, however, we do what God asks when He commissioned Eve to be the “helpmate” for Adam. We share in the mission and collaborate to create an environment to encounter God in our homes, relationships and daily lives. The teaching on submission doesn’t repress women; on the contrary, it honors them.

Now, in regards to the sudden enthusiasm regarding sexual submission, could it be true that the devil is up to his same old strategy? So often, the devil takes something that is good, true, beautiful and also the longing of our heart and twists it just enough to make us believe his version will satisfy. Perhaps this is the root of the intrigue of the type of sexual domination and submission in 50 Shades of Grey. Physical harm, misogyny, and degrading sexual acts may sell books, but it won’t satisfy in the way that real, selfless, sacrificial love was designed to do.

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katieKatie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org).

Filed Under: Dating

August 18, 2014 By Katie Hartfiel

Say Yes To Sex

In its proper context, God loves sex. He could have gone with the stork or the cabbage patch, as procreative means, but God had other plans. Often times it seems that the topic of chastity can be summed up as: “no!” In fact, chastity at its core is all about “yes! By trusting Christ and following His plan, we discover what the devil is trying to hide.

Consider This Example:

Most blow dryers come with a tag that states, “do not use under water.” Why, you ask? Apparently enough multi-taskers out there thought they could wash and dry at the same time. The manufacturers were then obligated to inform everyone that this is a very bad plan. Does anyone become angry with the blow dryer people? Do you throw up your hands in anger proclaiming, “Who are they to tell me how to use my blow dryer?” Of course not! They have only provided you with this guideline because they made the blow dryer, and they have insight into how it works. I am sure you are free to use it in the shower if you would like, but the creators would like to warn you that it won’t be a happy ending. Perhaps your Creator desires to advise you in the way you use His masterpiece. This isn’t just to prevent disaster, but also so you can use it to glorify Him.

That’s because marital sex is sacramental:

That’s right; I just put the words “sex” and “sacrament” in the same sentence. One way of understanding a Sacrament is to think of it as an outward sign of an inward grace. God gave us the Sacraments so that we wouldn’t miss the extraordinary things that He wants to do in our lives! It is a way that we get to see, hear, feel, and experience a supernatural reality that is happening within the depths of our souls. In the Sacraments we are given a chance to physically witness a greater spiritual reality. The sexual act within the context of marriage can also be thought of as a visible sign of an invisible reality. It is meant to make us holier in order for us to use our bodies to give glory to God. This means that sexual intercourse is a moment where a couple receives grace! In marriage we can be sanctified through sexual union!

In the sexual act of marriage, God joins with His creation in order to create:

It is in the sexual act that we become co-creators with God. Stop and think about that for a moment. Mind.Blown. We can glimpse into the mystery of the Trinity by looking at the structure of the family. In the Trinity, God is revealed as an eternal communion of life-giving love. In marriage this gift of self is expressed on a human level in the union of a married couple. Sex was created as an outward manifestation of an inward reality: Love. The potential of this exchange is so powerful that nine months later, you give it a name. No, God didn’t choose the stork; He decided instead to involve us in His creative power.

Now, if you were the devil, where would you focus your most strategic attack on mankind?

The devil has succeeded in making sex seem so casual, yet simultaneously making us believe that it is dirty. The average person probably has no idea that there is anything holy about it!

If sexuality is meant to unite us to God by way of the family, then Satan certainly believes in making a great effort to distort this reality. Imagine that God’s plan for love and marriage is like an amazing feast. The Lord is diligently preparing this banquet for you and can’t wait to usher you in as soon as He is ready! On the other hand, the devil tries to dissuade you from waiting by enticing you to feast on the raw meat. We have the freedom to wait for what is to come or settle for the quick and easy. God has incredible plans for you, the question is: will you say yes?

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katieKatie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org).

 

 

Filed Under: Dating

June 30, 2014 By Katie Hartfiel

Advice From The “Real” Love Experts (Part 2)

Conceal don’t feel.

This is the mantra of the Snow Queen, Elsa, throughout every stage of life. That is, of course, until her climactic musical number in the Disney phenomena, Frozen.  At this moment, the Queen lets her listeners know that the “perfect girl is gone” as she boldly proclaims a new mantra: “no right, no wrong, no rules for me, I’m free!”

As a mother of young children, I have heard the song “Let It Go” roughly a million times in the last few months… and found myself singing along. However, when we break into the meaning behind this moment, we find some controversy. Many individuals have embraced the song as an anthem for breaking free of the societal norms surrounding our sexuality. Even LGBT groups have embraced Frozen as a celebration of the rejection of the philosophy of, “conceal don’t feel” in order to be “free” with their sexual identity.

Now, I don’t know what Disney’s intentions were here. However, as a sociology nerd, I find it quite incredible that a film could be welcomed both in the Christian market, for its emphasis on family and sacrificial love, and simultaneously be celebrated by so-called freethinking movements.

The amazing thing is that this film unites both sides on a truth that we can agree on: the method of “conceal don’t feel” doesn’t work. When it comes to same-sex attractions, there must be another way. Clearly, our decisions on our sexuality rely heavily on our emotions and desires. This is true of those who are single, married, addicted to porn, struggling with fidelity in marriage, those who experience heterosexual attractions, homosexual attractions, and so on and so forth. We are all tempted. The key to success in the realm of purity is to figure out what to do with those emotions.

When we attempt to conceal rather than feel our passions, like Elsa, it generally backfires. Obviously Elsa’s struggle wasn’t sexual, but I think we can all relate to her interior battle in some capacity. I certainly experience this in other areas of life. I find myself stressed and anxious about any number of issues and attempt to shove my struggle in for the sake of perfectionism. Every time, without fail, I am eventually pushed over the edge and find myself unleashing an icy blast of emotion on whoever is unfortunate enough to be nearby.

This can also be true in our struggles for purity. If you find yourself struggling with a sexual temptation, I encourage you, don’t shove it in. Elsa’s expression of her decision to “let it go” includes a resolution to turn away from the “good girl you always have to be” and embrace the mentality that the “perfect girl is gone.” What she misses is her opportunity to turn to the Perfect Man (Jesus).  Elsa’s plan doesn’t work!  In her attempt to find freedom in isolation there are severe consequences.  Our sins, even the ones committed in private, are no different.  We, like Elsa, must remember that although we may think our choices don’t harm others, this is never the case.

Wherever you are in your journey to embrace authentic, Christian chastity, this doesn’t have to be your story. In those moments of temptation, don’t conceal or shove, but pray… pray as often as you need to… even if it’s a lot! Make a conscience decision in the moment to call on the Holy Spirit and give it away to Him! Turn from the invitation of the culture to take the easy way out through giving in and instead let it go to the one who can give you true freedom.

As I outlined in my previous post on Anna’s struggle to regulate her emotion, Christ Himself wants to be your solution. Before knowledge of the ripple effects of her choice, Elsa sings that, “the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all.” However, this fearlessness was short-lived. We cannot conquer our fears by running away. They will not magically disappear.  In contrast, the Psalmists sings, “In danger I called on the LORD; the LORD answered me and set me free. The LORD is with me; I am not afraid.” (Ps 118:6-6)

What is the solution for Anna and Elsa? An act of true Love. This is the key for each and every one of us: to turn to the one whose name is Love and whose act of true love has unfrozen countless hearts for the past 2000 years. We have the invitation to surrender to the arms of He who died simply so we could let it all go. Rather than living in the kingdom of isolation, I encourage you to say yes to the one who promises the Kingdom of Heaven (Matt 10:7). He is the Father who keeps His promises, and He never disappoints.  For freedom Christ has set us free! (Gal 5:1)

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katieKatie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org). 

 

Filed Under: Dating

June 28, 2014 By Katie Hartfiel

Advice From The “Real” Love Experts (Part 1)

Who doesn’t love Anna of Arendelle? It seems as if the epic tale of Frozen has captured an audience that ranges from age two to senior citizen. There is something about the combination of sacrificial love, passion, rejection, pain and joy that resonates in us… not to mention the songs are pretty catchy.

I feel like Anna is so much like the typical girl who crashed the couch in my youth ministry office. There were many days when the teens and I would discuss the ups and downs of romance as we shoved chocolate in our faces. Anna simply wants what we all want: love. It’s what we were made for and it drives our decisions and emotions.

Our heroine thinks she found her answer when she meets Prince Hans—a man who is seemingly charming, yet really a scumbag. It looks to me like proof that some guys truly only want one thing: to rule a North Atlantic Nordic kingdom. Seriously though, as far as the saying is concerned, some guys can only want this one thing because they believe they can achieve it! Men will avoid rejection, but if there are enough girls providing hook-ups then some guys will begin to expect it. While this obviously isn’t true of all men and women, many boys give love to get sex and many girls give sex to get love. However, using someone emotionally or physically isn’t love at all.

Our awkward princess teaches us a valuable lesson. Desperation can be dangerous, very dangerous. Although Anna’s consequence was G-rated (thankfully), her hunger for love and attention clouded her judgment of Hans and his intentions.

The devil can certainly use our desire to love to dissuade us from letting our head and heart work as a team in regard to both physically and emotionally chaste behavior. Many young women I know see a good looking young man and instantly think, “Make my wedding pinboard come true.”Anna’s real problem was that she was starving to be loved and to be noticed. She needed affection and threw herself at the first person who paid attention to her. As a result, she found herself being straight up used.

It is all too easy to get swept away in the same way and begin a relationship without knowing where someone stands on some important issues. Young men and women should know the answers to some very important questions before they emotionally invest in another:

a. Do they share your value of purity? If so, to what extent?

b. What is their faith life like?

c. Will this relationship challenge you in your faith or challenge you to be faithful?

I want to share a story of another woman, who throws herself at a man without reserve, but does so with grace. Jesus is dining at the home of the Pharisees when a woman bursts through the door and falls at His feet. She recklessly breaks a box of expensive oil and anoints Jesus’ feet while washing them with her tears and drying them with her hair. The Pharisees, ruining the moment as usual, chastise the woman and speculate that if Jesus knew what sort of woman she was He wouldn’t let her even touch Him. She doesn’t speak a word, because her knight in shining armor comes to her rescue. Jesus defends her and her dignity as He explains that “her sins, many as they are, have been forgiven her, because she has shown such great love” (Luke 7:47). As she weeps at His feet, Jesus raises her face to his own and looking deep with her very soul, He sets her free.

Was this woman reckless with her desire to love? Certainly. Was she emotional? Oh yeah. What we find here is a woman who takes her desperation for love to the right place. Jesus is the answer. In this moment, His heart must have leapt with the same power that exploded to create the stars in the Heavens. Christ is the only one who can satisfy your hunger for love. While Anna and Hans sing, “say goodbye to the pain of the past, we don’t have to feel it anymore,” Christ instead says, “I will carry your burden and suffer with you.” He doesn’t stop there. If you are called to marriage, in due time, He will also bring you a man who is willing to love you as He loves the Church even unto suffering and death (Eph 5:25). Don’t lose hope. Don’t settle.

Truly, when you choose the Lord’s love and will for your vocation, in place of desperation, then, for the first time in forever, nothing’s in your way.

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katieKatie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org). 

Filed Under: Dating

May 31, 2014 By Katie Hartfiel

How My Prayers Transformed My Husband-To-Be

Katie’s story

I was 17 when I had the life-changing opportunity to experience the program now known as Franciscan LEAD. This was the week I fell in love. This love had a name and a face and was more indescribable than anything I had ever experienced. It was Jesus who captured my heart and became the first Love of my life. The Lord, Love Himself, was revealed to me, and there was no turning back. I came home feeling alive for the first time and I knew I wanted more.

I also realized that week that if I was called to marriage then my Creator surely knew who I would marry. My heart began to yearn for a man who would love Christ more than he could ever love me. So I hit my knees. Each night, from then on, I begged God for specific intentions for my Husband-To-Be (or as I began to refer to him, my HTB). I asked that the man who would capture my heart would first be captured by His. If he was struggling with poor decisions, friendships, bad influences, or impurity, I pleaded that God would grant grace for conversion.

I decided that if my future spouse was out there, I didn’t want to waste my heart on anyone else. I knew I may have to kiss some frogs to find my prince, however, I wasn’t about to settle for frogs. I had a goal in mind and chastity of heart and body were the only way to reach it.

Mark’s story

My life throughout high school consisted of few things: basketball, friends, parties, girls and beer. I thought I had everything I needed. I certainly was not thinking about my future spouse or trying to prepare myself for her.

One night, during the summer after graduation, I was alone in my room when something happened that I will never forget. I wasn’t in prayer, or even thinking about God, when I unexpectedly felt the Holy Spirit rush into the room and into my heart. In that moment, I understood with clarity a simple reality: that my God lived, laughed, wept, and ultimately died on a cross…all for me. The clarity and grace I experienced that night was enough for me to change my life immediately and with urgency. I instantly fell to my knees and wept. I decided to turn from sin and grew in desire for purity, chastity, virtue and holiness.

Mark and Katie’s story

Several years passed and Mark and I both transferred to the same college where we met and began to date. (For all the juicy details visit womaninlove.org) That summer, we returned to our separate hometowns. One evening, during our daily chat, I felt an inclination to ask Mark if he knew the date of his conversion experience. I went to my bookshelf and pulled out a tattered notebook. As I turned to the date in my prayer journal, my heart pounded. There it was. I quickly began to read the prayers during that pivotal week at LEAD. The very week that I had decided to climb into the trenches as a warrior for my HTB matched up with the date of Mark’s conversion experience. I read the prayers of my teenage self as I begged the Lord to deliver my future spouse. I prayed about specific things that Mark was indeed tempted with, and asked that the Lord would show him how much more intoxicating life in Christ could be.

On the summer night of this discovery, we found ourselves once again separated by thousands of miles. However, this time, God revealed how He had rendered distance insignificant when He united us spiritually years before. I began to read these passages to Mark over the phone, and we both wept in amazement and thanksgiving.

If you are ever feeling like there are no good and holy men or women left in the world to love you the way you deserve to be loved, don’t be discouraged and don’t lose hope. God is good, and He answers prayers. Someone somewhere may be in need of yours…

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katieKatie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org). 

Filed Under: Dating

May 6, 2014 By Katie Hartfiel

Chastity Before Marriage Fosters Chastity In Marriage

Chastity in marriage? Wait. What?

Let’s back up and clear up some misconceptions about chastity…

The word “chastity” isn’t synonymous with the word “abstinence”:

Within this context, abstinence is defined as refraining from sexual intercourse. Abstinence is an aspect of pre-marital chastity but isn’t the endgame. Chastity runs much deeper by giving us a deep reverence and respect for both our eternal souls and the heart of God. Loving someone never means sinning with them. Whether you are single, married or ordained you too are called to honor God through your body.

Therefore, the word “chastity” isn’t synonymous with the word “no”:

When I told my husband I would marry him, my “yes” to him was an implied “no” to every other man on the planet. This was a reality, but wasn’t at the forefront of my decision to spend my life with him. Similarly, chastity, at its very core, isn’t a “no”, but a “yes”.  Chastity is a virtue; in other words it is a good habit that unites us with the Lord. Virtues propel us to what we truly want- God’s plan and Will in our lives! Clearly this means that chastity is a resounding and passionate YES! This “yes” has different applications and meanings at every stage of our life and is essential in every vocation.

Because of this, we can’t escape the c-word, and we would never want to! Chastity is the key to a successful marriage because it allows us to keep the Lord primary and our physical desires secondary. Married persons are still called to respect one another’s bodies and souls—which means never using your spouse for purely selfish fulfillment.

So how does chastity before marriage foster chaste marriages?

1. Fidelity insurance:

When you have sex with someone outside of marriage, you learn that they are willing to have sex with someone they aren’t married to. Chastity in dating conditions us to avoid tempting situations not just in the moment but in the future as well. This is one reason why a man who is married as a virgin, has a divorce rate that is 63 percent lower than a non-virgin. For women, it’s 76 percent lower.[1]

2. It makes it easier to practice Natural Family Planning (NFP):

Natural Family Planning is an amazing practice that helps couples use women’s God-given cycle to determine windows of fertility. If, through prayer and discussion, a couple determines they should avoid pregnancy, NFP helps them to know when to abstain from intercourse.  Chastity before marriage conditions a couple to work with God after marriage in order to make decisions about when to engage in or abstain from sexual relations.

3. Virtue breeds virtue:

A person who practices chastity learns temperance and moderation. It seems obvious that this would produce self-control in communication, finances, parenting and life decisions in marriage. Chastity has a positive ripple effect and when started early on, the ripple will be even wider!

4. Chastity helps us carry Christ from our dating relationship to our marriage:

The Catechism of the Catholic Church makes it clear that all who are baptized are called to chastity at every stage of life. It goes on to say that the Christian has “put on Christ” who is our perfect model for chastity. A marriage takes three people: a man, a woman and the Lord. Having a Christ-centered dating relationship is great, but having a Christ centered marriage is sacramental. When Jesus is present prior to marriage He is able to bring about His full plan for his presence from the first day of matrimony on into Happily Ever After.

Let’s remember that just because a relationship is chaste, this doesn’t make it bullet-proof. All relationships are subject to temptation, which is why practicing chastity early on helps us build strength.  Imagine your soul as a spiritual weight-lifter. The more you condition your spiritual muscles to grow, the more you will be equipped to handle heavier burdens in the future. When we say yes to God through chastity, in every stage of life, we find that He is never outdone in generosity.

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katieKatie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org). This work coaches young women as they strive for purity through praying for and journaling to their future spouse. She has been blessed to watch hearts come alive with the realization that our faithful God hungers to exceed our deepest desires.

 

Filed Under: Dating

February 18, 2014 By Katie Hartfiel

5 Ways to Tell if You are in Love

She is the last thing you think of before you fall asleep and your first thought in the morning…

Your heart races when you see him in the hallway…

You can’t remember life without each other….

But is it the real thing?

Ask yourself the following questions to shed some light on the topic:

1. Are you in love with the person or the way they make you feel?

In college I had a conversation with a friend regarding the reason to get married. He explained that he had heard a Deacon say that when he asked engaged couples why they wanted to be married their answer was always the same: “She/he makes me so happy.” My friend explained that when he got married, his motivation would be the opposite: he wanted to make his wife so happy. Months passed and this friend became my boyfriend, later my fiancé and then my husband.

It is easy to get caught up in a relationship based on emotion. Many confuse loving a person with loving the way that person makes them feel. St. Paul said, “[Love] does not seek its own interests” (1 Cor 13:5). Carefully evaluate why you are in your relationship. When the goal is one another’s holiness then happiness will be a natural byproduct. Which leads to question number two:

2. Is his/her soul your first priority?          

God wants to reveal Himself to us through our encounters with others. God invented human relationships to make us holy! True love should point us to Heaven and motivate us to do whatever we can to protect the soul of the other. Loving someone never means sinning with them. Love builds up, strengthens and sanctifies as it seeks the good of the one we love. Lust is self-serving, passion driven and debilitating.  God is love, and a God-centered relationship is the best place to look for authentic human love.

3. Can you live with their flaws?

My second daughter is a two-year old rebel. She is constantly eating chapstick, climbing in the dryer or drawing on walls. She makes me crazy, but when she puts that sweet head on my shoulder my heart explodes with unconditional love. Everyone has flaws, and your future spouse will have many. My husband could tell you all of mine, but he loves me in spite of them. We didn’t marry each other with the intent to change one another. However, because God is the source of our love, He has certainly used us to draw the other away from many vices!

Disclaimer: These flaws shouldn’t be things that put your soul or body in danger. St. Paul continues on: “[Love] is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,it does not rejoice over wrongdoing” (1 Cor. 13:5-5). If someone is hurting you spiritually (through making it hard to practice your faith or inviting you to sin) then this clearly isn’t love. Furthermore, if someone hurts you emotionally or physically then I urge you to end the relationship quickly and seek counsel from a trusted adult.

4. Are you compatible?

Does love hurt? Ask Jesus.

As Jason Evert points out so beautifully, “compatible comes from the Latin word compati, meaning, ‘to suffer with.’ If you are unwilling to suffer with someone until death do you part, then you are not compatible.” Whether through tragedy or childbirth, suffering is inevitable in life. Is this the person you want to share your cross with? Are you willing to bear their sufferings as well?

5. If you love someone, you don’t ask if you love them.

When I was dating my husband in college, many friends would ask how I knew I was in love. It’s cliché, but all I could say was, “I just know.” If you are questioning if it’s true love, it probably isn’t. This isn’t a bad thing. It simply means that you are growing in your discernment of whether or not this person is for you.

Remember, when it comes to relationships doing everything right doesn’t always mean it is God’s Will. One night my oldest daughter decided to give us her most prized possession: her bedroom. She switched all of the bedding and belongings. She unveiled her gift and was utterly devastated when we explained we couldn’t accept it. I realized in this moment that just because we are doing something good it doesn’t necessarily make it the best thing for us.

The Lord knows the surest way to get to you Heaven and has a personal vocation for you. Within that vocation he knows the best religious order or person to make you the happiest and holiest. Don’t rush your heart!  Remain constantly open to God’s Will in your relationships. If you care about someone you will want them to find God’s plan for their life with or without you in it. Trust the Lord and He will not disappoint!

___________________________

katieKatie Hartfiel is an author and speaker dedicated to sharing the intense love of God. She graduated Franciscan University of Steubenville, where she received a degree in Theology. She served as a youth minister for seven years in Houston, where she now resides with her husband, Mark, and two daughters. In 2012, Katie released her first book, Woman in Love (available at womaninlove.org). This work coaches young women as they strive for purity through praying for and journaling to their future spouse. She has been blessed to watch hearts come alive with the realization that our faithful God hungers to exceed our deepest desires.

 

Filed Under: Dating

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