Esther Rich

“I love you”: those three words which we inevitably swoon over in soppy movies, yet which in reality cause some people to cry with joy whilst others weep with longing, and makes some grow in confidence and security but others choke in fear and want to hide. There seem to be so many factors and emotions caught up in these simple words that they often become a source of anxiety that masks the joy they should bring. So when is the right time to say it?

I’ve heard two interesting takes on this recently, which I think are true in their own ways. The first is that if one person is ready to say it and the other isn’t ready to hear it then it can risk causing hurt. If the relationship is naturally moving forward but is still in the early stages of getting to know each other, then it may be the case that holding back from saying it until you’re certain you can both commit is more loving than saying it. This might mean making a sacrifice by withholding your desire to declare your love, but love inevitably means sacrifice!

The second take is that love is more than just words, and so when it’s professed depends on when it can confidently be proven. The words in themselves can be meaningless unless they’re backed up with actions, but when the actions are strong and consistent they speak for themselves, and the words that follow confirm them. In that respect, it’s also possible to show someone you love them long before you begin a relationship which warrants an open declaration. If that’s the case, then why wait once you’re sure you want to say it?

A couple of weeks ago I watched “Braveheart” for the first time after reading Christopher West’s thoughts on it. (Yes, I’m expecting a mixture of shock that I’ve managed to go nearly 22 years without watching it and confusion over why I’d want to watch bloodthirsty battle scenes anyway). Though I have to say that it’s seriously in contention for my new favourite film, what struck me the most was a single line…

“I love you. Always have. I want to marry you.”

This single line took my breath away, not because a man said “I love you” in a fictional context and my heart automatically melted (believe me, I’m so not the soppy kind!), but because there wasn’t a hint of fear in it. For the first time, hearing “I love you” on-screen didn’t speak of empty romance but of bravery, confidence and vehement passion. I understood what it meant for a man to be willing to lay down his life for the woman he loves as Christ did for the Church. The man speaking that line wasn’t afraid to admit his feelings or commit to the woman in question, because he was so consumed by love that there was no room for fear. It was that love which enabled him to become more fully himself, with all the masculine qualities he so clearly exhibits!

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18

The bottom line is that there is no perfect formula to apply to every relationship. Whether you say it or don’t say it isn’t the real issue: it’s the reasons behind it. Those three words come with an unspoken promise that you’ll keep on choosing to love even when you don’t “feel” it, unless you prayerfully discern that the relationship itself isn’t right. Don’t say it unless you’re willing to back it up with your actions, but don’t let fear hold you back when you believe it’s right!

Above all, don’t fight it. “I love you” isn’t scary, it’s beautiful. It shouldn’t bring guilt, confusion, or unhealthy dependence, but should be linked to assurance, healthy connection and stability. If you’re in love, say it, and say it often. Then continue to prove it with your actions. I don’t believe there’s anyone who, deep down, doesn’t want to hear it and know it’s true.

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

 

I’m in love.

There, I said it.

I’m in love with a man who makes my heart do backflips when he speaks to me, who brings me joy just from knowing he’s near, who makes everything else disappear when I look into his eyes. He is strong and gentle and courageous and humble and bold and selfless all at once. He makes me laugh, he allows me to cry, and he’s as present to me in the silence as in the conversation. He passionately defends my dignity. He surprises me on a daily basis. He understand my thoughts before I say them. He’s unafraid of sharing his emotions, and declares his love with confidence.

With him I am known. I am cherished. I am secure.

I know that he would willingly give up his own life for me… because he did exactly that! This one man who has captured my heart so entirely is the same man who suffered the agony of the cross for me.

“I found Him whom my soul loves. I held him and would not let go.” – Song of Songs, 3:4

For too long I depended on other people to fulfil me, but I’ve realised that they never will! They can’t, but Jesus can—and does! Jesus is the only one who can fulfil you, and he will endlessly keep pursuing you until you accept that. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that finding our own “happily ever after” story will bring us true happiness, but in reality that puts far too much pressure on the person we hope to marry, and is likely to mean we’ll be disappointed further down the line.

The sacrament of marriage is a beautiful sign of the Trinity and of our future glory as the bride of Christ, but it is in no way a replacement for a relationship with Christ Himself. It reflects the love of Jesus, but it can’t match it.

In her wonderful book Spoken For, Alyssa Bethke writes:

“God proved faithful. He knew my heart’s desires but also knew how I needed to let him fill my desires first before he placed anyone else into my life… I had idolized marriage for so long that I needed the Lord to break me from placing it above him. That summer the Lord tore down my idol and revealed that he alone was enough. He was my portion, and I was rich to have him.”

The hard truth is that if you think marriage would satisfy you then you’re not ready for marriage. There’s only one who can satisfy you, and He’s knocking at your door asking you to receive Him. He is everything you need, and so much more than you can even imagine yourself wanting. Once you’ve truly found Him whom your soul loves, marriage becomes an added gift rather than the source of your happiness. Marriage isn’t a reward for successfully waiting during singleness. It’s a vocation which is—or may be—a part of your journey to Heaven, and that’s a journey which you’re already on!

That journey isn’t first and foremost with your (future) spouse, it’s with Jesus. So instead of living in the future and focusing on your hopes for marriage, invest in your relationship with Jesus right now—and allow Him to lavish His love on you in return. Know that He is the one who will satisfy you.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

As a general rule, I don’t watch chick flicks. Partly because I know the aftermath they leave behind—the frustration at life being so much harder than it’s portrayed, the longing to be loved like the heroine, the pain of wondering if I can be, the temptation to throw up at the sight of fully grown girls melting into a mess of inarticulate gushiness… and the even greater frustration at knowing that deep down I’m one of those girls. But also partly for the sake of the men around me. I don’t want any future relationship to be tainted by false expectations, or brotherly friendships to be confused with romantic fantasies.

In her new book Emotional Virtue (read it—it’ll change your life!), Sarah Swafford’s hilarious description of a typical girl’s Friday night in—progressing from a movie marathon with friends through to inadvertently cyber stalking (or even physically stalking) an unsuspecting classmate and believing you’re in love—seems alarmingly relatable. But the problem with that is that you’re not in love with the person—you’re in love with the idea of them!

I hate to break it to you ladies, but the chances are that if that guy you’ve been daydreaming about were to announce his undying love for you, it wouldn’t be with that beautifully cheesy line you’ve mentally rehearsed your perfect answer to over and over again, and real life doesn’t slot into place pain-free afterwards. Avoiding falling in love with that fantasy saves you a lot of heartache, and frees you to love authentically rather than using someone. Here are four practical checkpoints to keep in mind:

Reality check: what are you attracted to?
“Love” which tries to change someone into the ideal you’ve created in your mind is not love at all—it’s lust. Try making a list of the five things you find most attractive about a particular man. Now go through the list again, and critically assess how many of those points he really lives up to and how many are things you want him to be because you’ve admired them elsewhere.

Remember your worth.
It’s easy to talk yourself into believing there’s “something there,” but it’s important to be honest with yourself and ask that hard question: Do you see a difference in the way he treats you compared to other girls? You deserve someone who will set you apart and reassure you of his feelings. If he’s not doing that clearly, then either he’s not worth your time or he doesn’t feel the same way—either way you can avoid being hurt later by admitting it to yourself now.

Pray for strength!
It’s easy to learn about emotional chastity, recognise your own shortfalls and resolve to try harder. But then that guy you’ve been fighting your own mind over catches your eye across the street or brushes past you in the hallway and you melt. Your resolve flies out the window and you’re left with nothing but “HELP ME JESUS!” So pray that prayer! Cry out to Him with all your heart, mind, body and soul, and He will come to your rescue.

Let God be organic.
Envying someone else’s life (even fictional) means being dissatisfied with your own, and with the great gifts God has given you. God has a plan just for you—allow Him to play it out as He’s written it rather than desiring a different one. That way when you fall in love (in God’s time), you can trust that it’s truly with the plan God has chosen for you rather than a fantasy.

“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not an object of use.”
– Saint John Paul II; Love and Responsibility
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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0.

If you’ve ever read the “Divergent” trilogy (spoiler alert if not!!), you’ll know that Tris—the main character—is a feisty young woman, full of spirited determination. But the thing I admire most about her is that she never compromises on her courage whilst still displaying a softer, gentler side in allowing a man to love and protect her. Reflecting on life without Tris, that man explains:

“There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. That is the sort of bravery I must have now.”

This is the sort of bravery which we, too, must have if we are to obey Christ’s call to love. It takes great courage to die to self in order to bring life to another person—especially in the tiny, seemingly insignificant things. Those are the moments when we can choose humility or self-inflation, selflessness or grasping at desires, peaceful acceptance or passive aggression. Sometimes the discernment of when to fight and when to lay down our weapons—no matter how simple the situation (often the simpler the situation, the more tempted we are to fight!)—is what allows peace, joy and love to flourish.

Love hurts. It’s a timeless fact which has been written about, sung about and wept over throughout the ages—with good reason! True love cannot be separated from pain, because true love is wanting the best for the other person, and therefore not only hurting over the things that cause them pain but also being willing to sacrifice our own desires for their good. It’s no coincidence that the greatest sign of love ever known is also the most painful act of sacrifice imaginable, and that we’re called to live out the same kind of love: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:12-13. In order to fully embrace a life of chastity for the sake of authentic love, we have to develop a clear picture of what that love is like. That way the sacrifices we may feel we have to make in the name of chastity will be done out of love, in love, and through the nature of love.

“There is no place for selfishness and no place for fear! Do not be afraid when love makes demands. Do not be afraid when love requires sacrifice.” Saint John Paul II

Being in a relationship is a vulnerable place by its nature. Choosing to be vulnerable requires great bravery: a bravery that is most often demonstrated through self-sacrifice. Sometimes that sacrifice is momentous—from risking rejection and laying down your pride to make the first declaration of love, or even refraining from doing so for the good of your brother or sister in Christ, to the money spent on family essentials instead of personal ambitions, to the time and heartache of holding your spouse’s hand as they undergo chemo. But just as often, if not more so, it’s in the little things that you do every single day for the one you love.

But what about those of us who aren’t in a relationship? It can be easy to assume that once we’re faced with sacrifices we’ll be able to make the right decisions, but we can’t expect to suddenly be “good” at making those sacrifices when the time comes if we’re not willing to prepare ourselves in advance. That could mean fasting in some way, or it could mean training your body in order to discipline your mind. After all, as a lifestyle “chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery” (CCC 2339). I firmly believe in the power of the small sacrifices I make now in preparing myself—spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically—for the total gift of self that is marriage.

But more importantly, these sacrifices aren’t just in anticipation of a relationship with another person—they’re for the glory of God, who is Love itself!
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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

I’ve spoken to so many girls who have been told their standards are too high. I’ve even been told that myself. But, as a friend recently reassured me, high standards attract high standards. I think it’s natural for many men to be initially intimidated by women with high standards. That doesn’t make them any less of a man. The test is whether they’re willing to push through the fear and ask you out anyway because they believe you’re worth that risk.

Whether I’ve accepted their invitation or not, I’ve had more respect for guys who have explicitly and intentionally asked me out on a date than those who have casually dodged the point or vaguely suggested we “get together sometime.” In demanding intentionality and responsibility, I’ve been able to see them flourish or wither. A man who withers under the pressure of those high standards in the early stages merely shows that he won’t live up to them in marriage. A man who tackles the challenges you lay before him head on and pursues you with sincerity and commitment is ultimately the man who will prove worthy of winning your heart.

You deserve someone who will lead you to Christ. Someone who will give everything they have and everything they are to make you a saint. Someone who will willingly lay down their life for you as Christ did for the Church. But if we want men to step up and be men in that way, we have to give them the space, opportunity and encouragement to do so. That means setting high standards and challenging them to meet them.

“To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, and goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.” Fulton Sheen

In Wild at Heart, John Eldredge writes that “I married a woman I thought would never challenge me as a man.” I don’t want to be a woman who doesn’t challenge a man to be a man. I want to be a woman who draws that man out of himself, affirms him in his strength and inspires him to greatness. Allowing men to settle for what’s comfortable isn’t loving them authentically. As women, we need to show them that we believe they’re capable of more, and—in love—motivate them to reach their potential.

The beauty of God’s design for men and women is that we complement each other perfectly. When we’re at our best, we enable each other to be our best. Being our best means seeking God’s best for us—knowing that His plan is always ‘to prosper and not to harm us’ (Jer. 29:11). If you know that someone doesn’t meet the standards you have in your heart, then don’t settle in your relationship. Trust God that He has something better in mind for you.

“Dear young people, do not settle for anything less than the highest ideals.” – Saint John Paul II

Ultimately it’s not just you that your choice of husband or wife will affect: it’s also your future family. Women—look for a man who will strengthen and affirm your sons, and instil a firm sense of dignity and worth in your daughters. Men—seek a woman who will nurture your family as it grows, and build you up in your fatherhood.

You deserve God’s best for you. Don’t settle!

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

Most people hear the word, “boundaries” and automatically bring up the question: “How far can we go physically without crossing a line?” Of course, that’s an important question to consider, but in fact there is far more to it than that. Yes, boundaries can be physical. But they can also be emotional, or even conversational. For me, respecting my own boundaries with other people is essential: it’s one of the primary ways that I learn to respect myself!

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

Proverbs 4:23

Being told to guard your heart can sometimes feel more like a threat than words of encouragement. But the reason that God calls us to guard our hearts is so that they can be given wholly, freely and selflessly in marriage. Because we live in a culture of instant gratification, our natural reaction is to jump head-first into relationships in an attempt to reap the benefits meant for much further down the line. Instead, enjoy each phase of the journey!

Setting boundaries for yourself doesn’t mean locking your heart up so tightly that you dodge human vulnerability. We’re also called to love people, and love IS vulnerable by nature! However, in order to love purely and selflessly, it’s important to be aware of how you act, what you say, and where you are, and to practice self-discipline in order to protect yourself from heartache and misdirection. Be discerning in your relationships: forming them on mutual trust, and building a strong foundation on which to then open your heart to them if and when the time is right.

As brothers and sisters in Christ we have a responsibility to each other. Sisters, teach your brothers about the dignity and mystery of women. Though it can be tempting to share your heart quickly with someone when you want them to really know you, getting into conversations which are deeper than your current relationship status leaves you open to confusion and desolation. Your heart is valuable. Make sure he can pay the price before you give it away. Demand respect and maturity, and the right person will show you it.

Brothers, be a living contradiction of the world’s message to your sisters that they are worth only what they can offer physically. Pushing physical boundaries—however unintentionally—reinforces the feeling that a woman’s body is more important than her heart or her intellect. It’s natural to want to show your affection physically—through a flirtatious nudge or by trying to sit as close as possible to her—but unless that’s followed up by asking how she is or showing interest in her opinion it can put the focus too much on the physical aspect to your relationship. Absolutely let her know she’s beautiful, but your behaviour should also remind her there is more to her than her body, and reassure her that you see and appreciate that. How do you naturally show your affection?

Boundaries aren’t only important within a relationship. When a potential relationship arises, you both deserve complete security at every stage. That means creating an atmosphere where the other person feels valued, comfortable and confident in your feelings for them. Being aware of your behaviour around other people now (especially with the opposite sex) will make you more able to distinguish it from your behaviour around someone you have feelings for later on. If you feel like you may be called to be someone’s wife or husband someday, then a great way to challenge yourself on your behaviour right now is to ask yourself the question: “If that person were here now, would they want me to be behaving in this way with this other person?”

The most important thing is not to feel like you’re living by a set of rules, but instead to focus on living in a way which pleases God and blesses those you love. A chaste way of life has to come from the heart. Discern your boundaries through prayer, and commit to them. What it ultimately comes down to is respect—for yourself and for others—which enables free, total, fruitful and faithful love to flourish. In that there is freedom, not restriction!

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Youth Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

Recently I read an article entitled “I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And Wish I Didn’t,” written by a young woman called Samantha who was led to believe that sex—in all contexts—is “dirty and wrong and sinful,” and who ultimately lost her faith as she struggled to rebuke that lie. As I read it, I wanted to cry, then hug her, then hug all of the other young women who identify with the article or have been influenced by it.

Samantha talks about the purity pledge she made aged 10, which for years formed such an integral part of her identity as a woman and a Christian that even in marriage she couldn’t break free from the taboo it placed on sex.

I never made a pledge as a teenager. At my traditional, Catholic school we rarely talked about sex, and when we did there was no effort made to defend or even explain the Church’s teaching. I knew I was “supposed” to wait until marriage, but was never told why. Because I never heard about the true beauty of God’s original plan for sex, the conviction that I should wait never made it from my head to my heart, and so was easily destroyed by the message that sex was fine as long as I was “in love.”

Samantha’s story broke my heart because, whilst I was won over by the world’s lies with nothing to challenge them, she was fed even more dangerous lies in response. For her sake, and for the sake of every other person who has been fed the same lies, I want to challenge some of those revealed in her article…

“If I remained pure, my marriage would be blessed by God and if I didn’t it would fall apart and end in tragic divorce.”

The success of a marriage doesn’t depend on the past. It depends on the choice made every day to renew your commitment to your spouse. If my past determined my future, then I’d give up on marriage now to avoid heartache. But I believe that my future husband will love me for the person I am rather than the things I’ve done or will do. True love is a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church, which means it’s unconditional and selfless.

“Once I got married, it would be my duty to fulfil my husband’s sexual needs.”

Chastity is not, as Samantha feared, a concept “used to control female sexuality.” It’s a way of life which both men and women, married and unmarried, are called to. If sex is a tainted word before marriage, that won’t change on the wedding night. In a relationship that’s built on mutual respect and honor, both the man and the woman can see each other with the dignity they’re entitled to as human beings, rather than as tools for self-satisfaction.

“I couldn’t figure out how to be both religious and sexual at the same time.”

Sex isn’t a game invented by people on a whim centuries ago. It was designed by God at Creation. The Church isn’t saying “NO” to sex, it’s proclaiming a resounding “YES!” In its intended context, to be sexual is to be religious, because it’s the embodiment of God’s original plan for the self-giving love between a man and a woman.

“It’s your body; it belongs to you, not your church.”

My body belongs to neither me nor my Church. It was created by God, in the image of God, for the purpose of glorifying God. It’s a “temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor. 6:19), and I’m its steward. If you possessed a jewel of infinite value, would you not go to great lengths to protect and honor it? Your body is more valuable than any jewel. It’s precious and beautiful, not an object whose ownership can be fought for.

Samantha ends by saying if she could go back she would “have sex with (her) then-boyfriend-now-husband,” implying she sees that as the solution to the problems raised since. From experience, I know that that mindset doesn’t end as blissfully as it sounds, but instead can lead to heartache and regret—particularly if the then-boyfriend doesn’t turn out to be the now-husband. My own choice to pursue purity was made a decade later in life than Samantha’s, after living the life she says she wishes she had lived and realising the flaws in it. It wasn’t a submission to the pressure to be a “perfect-Christian-girl”—as Samantha felt—but rather a humble response to the realisation of the mistakes I’d made, and the overwhelming steadfastness of God’s love and forgiveness through it all.

So, to Samantha and all the other girls I cried for and wanted to hug, I want to apologise for the lies that you’ve been told, the guilt you’ve been made to feel over “sins” that haven’t even been committed, and the ways God’s great plan for your sexuality has been hidden from you. I want you to know that the decision to remain chaste is not an enforced one, nor does it stem from guilt and shame. It’s a reflection of your dignity as a human being and your respect for the person God created you to be.

Whether you waited for marriage, are waiting, or haven’t waited, there is both strength and redemption in Christ.

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

Every day we’re bombarded with messages about what promises to satisfy us—pleasure, food, technology—you name it! We want it all, and we want it now.

Ultimately, the only thing that will satisfy us is love. We’re made for love, but if we expect the world to satisfy our deepest cravings, we’ll always hunger for more. Our God-given desire for love is a good and beautiful thing, but we often fall for the counterfeits.

You may have heard the phrase “women give sex to get love, while men give love to get sex.” This was true in my life, but it took me a long time to realize it. I was desperate to know I was lovable, so I fell for the words of someone who promised such “love.” Unfortunately, because the relationship wasn’t centered on God, the promises were empty.

The good news is that Jesus can heal our desires and restore them to God’s original plan: To receive our worth from God, and offer ourselves as a selfless gift in love to others as Christ did for us.

Christopher West points out in his talks on the Theology of the Body that Jesus was full of compassion for those trapped in sexual sin. He saved the woman caught in adultery from certain death by stoning and assured her she was forgiven. He treated the woman at the well with a level of human dignity which she had never before received. This level of compassion was more than a sign of God’s love for all people. Jesus knew that these women were actually looking for Him—they were trying to fulfil a desire that only He could satisfy, they just didn’t realise it.

And it’s not just women! One man wrote that “every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.” The desire for love is written into all of our hearts because we were created for God, and God is love. The trouble is that we’ve lost sight of that truth, and instead we search for love and fulfilment elsewhere.

As I prayed this through in front of the tabernacle, I was reminded of the words of Tenth Avenue North’s song “Love Is Here”:

“Love is here, love is now.

Love is pouring from His hands and from His brow…

Come to the treasure you who search, and you’ll search no more.

Come to the lover you who want, and you’ll want no more.”

Love, true love, total love, is found in Jesus Christ alone. No counterfeit or lie will suffice. We don’t have to settle for falling short of God’s plan for us. We’re called to more: we’re called to challenge the lies we hear, to love each other as Christ loves us, and to allow ourselves to receive the same love.

Is there an area of your life where you’ve sought love and have been disappointed? Invite Jesus into that place, and ask Him to reveal His love to you. He won’t disappoint you.

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

For a lot of people the word ‘modesty’ is automatically associated with clothing and appearance. Most girls think of being told not to wear short skirts or low-cut tops… and our thoughts generally go no further. In stopping on the outside of our bodies, we stop on the outside of the concept. By neglecting the heart, we don’t pierce the reality of what it is to be truly modest. In fact, that’s the essence of the way in which we’ve become too caught up in the physical implications and drifted away from the true meaning of modesty.

Modesty is not synonymous with oppression.

It’s not a concept intended to hold women or hide women away under folds of fabric so they can’t be seen or heard. In fact, it’s entirely the opposite. Modesty is NOT just a matter of the hemline, but a matter of the heart. It’s not restricting, but freeing.

The word itself is defined as ‘the quality or state of being unassuming in one’s own abilities.’Where does that definition mention the body? The point is that the applicability to the body is merely a consequence of the applicability to the heart. Instead of using our femininity to achieve, we should acknowledge the reality that it is not by our own strength, but by God’s, that all things come about – ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’(Philippians 4:13). THAT is true modesty.

Before original sin, Adam and Eve were able to ‘see and know each other…with all the peace of the interior gaze’ (JPII – ToB, Jan. 2^nd 1980). They didn’t associate their bodies with impurity or with shame, because their view of the world and of each other was in line with God’s. They saw God’s plan in their bodies, and that’s what they desired. The initial intention of modesty was not to hide the body, but to protect the heart.

Purity is not prudishness!

When the Sistine Chapel was restored several years ago, Pope John Paul II instructed the removal of the loincloths from several of Michelangelo’s nude paintings, which had been added by previous popes to cover what they thought was ‘impure’. And John Paul did so ‘in the name of Christian purity’ (Christopher West).Purity does NOT mean avoidance or aversion, because those two words imply quite the opposite: the need to remove yourself from a situation implies the presence of something to be avoided – something impure. Striving for purity in this way actually prevents the recognition of what’s truly pure.

The way we choose to appear to the world is our expression of the way we want our heart to be seen by God. Purity is achieved only when the two fall in line. If we desire to be pure but dress provocatively we are doing that desire a disservice. Likewise, no matter how many layers we cover our bodies with, an impure heart will still be seen by God. Covering up the flesh won’t stop you from acting provocatively if you haven’t challenged the human lust within us all which resulted from Adam and Eve’s original sin.

So, rather than being at the forefront of our impression of modesty, the physical aspects should stem from the internal aspects. If we gain a deeper respect for ourselves as human beings, and for our hearts as men and women, then from that emerges the desire to dress modestly, rather than simply surrendering to the pressure to do so. The way that you dress then becomes merely a natural, outward expression of your inner desire for purity and humility.

Modesty is not about guilt and shame, but about accountability and humility.

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

I LOVE the song ‘Lead Me’ by Sanctus Real, but I can’t listen to it without getting emotional. My friend and I cried to each other over the phone when we first heard it.

Why?

Because it hits a sore spot. It hits that wound in all of our hearts that bleeds the phrase “how come there are no real men anymore?!” Most of us have heard it asked. Nearly as many of us have asked it ourselves. But the reason we don’t see them isn’t that they don’t exist, it’s that we tell them they can’t.

God created us for union and communion with each other. His unmatchable creativity is such that he designed us to fit together. Our lives are the most fruitful and we feel the most fulfilled when we’re exercising that complementarity. We need men in our lives—not just husbands, but fathers, brothers, friends—and they need us. We unlock an extra level of potential in each other.

Sometimes as women we put far too much pressure on men to become the ideal we think we need. We’re often guilty of underestimating just how difficult a job they have! Supporting us and leading us takes an immense amount of strength. But that strength comes from God alone, and must be continually renewed through prayer and abandonment to Him.

Disney has taught us to expect perfection and settle for nothing less. But Prince Charming is a lie. No wonder the divorce rate is rising so rapidly: we’re in for a serious shock if we marry with the false belief that the men who swept us off our feet and carried us to the altar in their strong arms will retain that guise of perfection for long.

No man is flawless (neither are we!), and expecting them to solve all our problems will only end in more heartache. Christ called us to love one another as He loves us. That means that the most fruitful relationships will be built on grace and mercy rather than pressure and judgement. We’re called to love each other including our flaws, because without that merciful love no relationship can survive.

Disney’s version of “Mr Right” may be far-fetched and idealistic, but deep down we do have a natural longing to be supported and guided by a strong man—spiritually, physically and emotionally… and that’s no coincidence! What we long for is actually the root of what men were intended to be, we just don’t realise it. We want them to be strong and gentle and decisive and loving all at the same time… and they can be! But to benefit from that, we have to allow them to develop those strengths. To have a “real man,” we have to allow him to be a real man.

Culture insists on mourning the loss of ‘real men’, but perhaps it’s simply the definition used that needs challenging. A real man isn’t one who works out twice a day, earns a six figure salary and buys extravagant presents with money he won’t miss.

A “real man” is one who will lead you with strong hands even when that means humbly admitting his mistakes.

One who will discerningly make sacrifices for the greater good of your family.

One who seeks guidance from his heavenly Father instead of relying on his own strength.

One who’d rather walk you to Heaven than drive you around in his Porsche.

One who looks at your heart before your physique.

One who prays for you, not just pays for you.

One who strives to protect your purity not conquer it.

One who loves you as Christ loves His Church.

… and these REAL MEN EXIST!

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

 

 

 

A few weeks ago, I was at the gym with a friend when I saw a guy who I was certain I recognized but couldn’t decide where from. Good-looking, dark hair, athletic build, training with the university boxing team. There was no denying he was attractive. Then it dawned on me where I’d seen him before. Every Sunday he rushes into Mass late, on his own, and sits at the back of the church.

While mentally congratulating myself for working this out, I happened to mention it to my friend. Her automatic response was “oh yeah, he’s hot and he’s Catholic’—you should ask him out!” What did I know about him at this point? He’s physically attractive, and he’s Catholic. Not much! Yet this was apparently enough to warrant asking the guy out. What’s more, I’m pretty sure the ‘and he’s Catholic’ was only added because my friend was aware this would be one of my terms.

I didn’t know his name, his age, his nationality or his interests, and yet it struck me that nowadays the natural next step would be to ask him on a date purely based on appearance. Physical attraction might motivate some to pursue one night stand, but it’s certainly not a sufficient basis for a longer lasting relationship. Somewhere along the line, dating has become a recreational activity instead of a discernment process.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t date someone unless you’re 100% certain you’re going to marry them, but I am saying that if you’re pretty certain you’re not going to marry them then you probably shouldn’t consider dating them.

In his book ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’, Joshua Harris fantastically explains the difference between dating for entertainment and dating intentionally. He offers 7 habits of defective dating to look out for in our own relationships and attitudes towards them:

1)     Dating leads to intimacy but not commitment.

2)    You skip the ‘friendship stage’ of the relationship.

3)    Physical relationships are mistaken for love.

4)    The relationship isolates a couple from other friends.

5)    The couple is distracted from preparing for the future.

6)    Discontentment with the gift of singleness arises.

7)    A person’s character is evaluated in an artificial environment.

It’s so easy to fall into any one of these traps, particularly while we’re surrounded by a culture of instant gratification that teaches us that we can have anything we want without much effort. But defective dating will inevitably lead to a painful break up or, worse, defective marriage! Changing the end result requires us to change the process. Changing the process can begin now—whether you’re in a long term relationship, just starting out, or are single.

Take the time to get to know someone and discern the potential for a relationship before you begin dating. If you become romantically involved too soon, it’s easy to get stuck in a relationship which is unhealthy, restrictive and, ultimately, destructive. Instead of rushing into a serious relationship for fear of being alone, or going on date after date after date with different people but having no real focus, allow God to work in his own time. Trust that He will provide what you need, when you need it.

You don’t have to buy into the dating game. There’s another way. A better way. God’s way! And for our part that’s the simplest way of all.

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

A year ago I made a decision that changed my life. I ended a destructive relationship, and I’ve never looked back. But I learned something very important very quickly—I learned that I had absolutely no clue who I was! I’d had two long term relationships since I was 16, and I’d forgotten what it meant to not be part of a pair. As an individual my identity was a mystery.

At a Christian festival last summer I wrote a phrase in my prayer journal which has stuck with me ever since:

‘I will be the bride of Christ before I’m the bride of Man.’

The same night I felt God calling me to take a fast from dating, and dedicate a year of my life to Him alone. I’m as guilty as anyone of idolizing marriage, so I was wary of what the year might hold—a whole year which was guaranteed not to include the potential for marriage! I knew I needed to trust in God to lead me where He wanted, and as usual He didn’t disappoint!

I’ve learned more about myself in the last year than I had in the previous twenty. I’ve also seen immense development in my relationship with Jesus, as I learned more and more to cast my burdens onto Him and find my rest in His embrace. From my year of singleness, I’ve also come to realise a series of questions which I believe must be asked before I (or anyone else) enter into a relationship in the future…

1. Are you ready for marriage?

Right now I know that there is so much more work God wants to do in me and with me before I’m ready for marriage, so leisurely dating wouldn’t serve any purpose. That’s not to say dating is a bad thing, just that it should be intentional—and so if you’re not in a place where you’re able to fully discern marriage then you’re doing a disservice to anyone you date.

2. Are you in it for your own gain?

We all have those moments where we think a relationship would make us truly happy. We want someone to solve our problems, cheer us up when we’re down and eradicate our loneliness. But at the heart of all of these reasons is selfishness, and we’re called to love selflessly.

3. Are you satisfied with Jesus?

More than anything else, this year has taught me to hold Jesus at the centre of everything I do—knowing that He is the only one who can truly satisfy me. There is no substitute for Him. If you’re not satisfied with Jesus, then you won’t be satisfied by a relationship.

4. Are you confident in your own identity?

Knowing who you are, whose you are and why you were created allows you to bring so much more to a relationship. Being able to embrace the person God has made you to be enables you to fully embrace the other person. It also stops you relying on that person to reassure and affirm you, which inevitably puts a lot of pressure on them.

The truth is that you don’t have to be afraid of being alone, because you’re never alone! Sometimes God will have plans for your life which require you to be single for a time, but He is always there with you. He uses our times of singleness to teach and transform us, and to mould us into the people He has created us to be, and so we must allow and accept His work, even when it hurts.

As I reach the end of my year of committed singleness, I am so thankful for the journey God has taken me on and the opportunities He has opened my eyes to. If you’re struggling with feeling alone right now I pray that you, too, may be blessed with the comfort of Christ’s presence and the knowledge of God’s oh-so-exciting bigger plan for your life.

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Esther Rich has a bachelor degree in Psychology from Oxford University, UK, and is currently completing the Sion Community Foundation Year, working on their youth ministry team. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

You meet someone new and find him attractive. You wonder if maybe, just maybe, this might be “The One.” You start to look for any sign of affection in their behavior towards you, and become mildly flirtatious in your own behavior. We’ve all been there! There’s no physical contact, no premature declaration of love, nothing obviously inappropriate in your relationship. It’s innocent, right?

Except that you don’t have to let your physical guard down to let your emotional guard down. Without meaning to, you’ve taken the emotional connection to a level that the relationship is not, and may never be, ready for. More often than not this risks distracting you from where God is calling you in life and may damage your friendship with the person in question. Not only that, but when we see each other as merely a romantic potential rather than as people, we actually deprive each other of our dignity as men and women.

The Bible calls us to ‘Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters’ (Hebrews 13:1), because that’s exactly what we are in Christ. Our primary identity is as sons and daughters of God, meaning that we also need to view each other first and foremost as brothers and sisters in His family.

With your own siblings, you don’t find yourself constantly seeking their attention and judging yourself based on their affection. You simply love them for who they are, and affirm them in that identity. This is the attitude we should have towards all members of the opposite sex! We have a responsibility to hold each other accountable and build each other up in our faith, but as soon as we allow ulterior motives to take root in our relationships we are no longer able to do that whole-heartedly. Viewing everyone we meet as brothers and sisters will encourage inclusivity, community, respect, and both emotional and spiritual protection.

There are several ways we can all work on altering our attitude in this area of life:

• Pray for your brothers & sisters in Christ.
• Affirm their gifts & strengths, as well as their masculinity or femininity.
• Focus on their personality rather than appearance.
• Dress & act modestly to show respect for yourself and others.
• Remind yourself daily of the dignity and purpose of men and women.

In order to form a healthy, loving relationship with the person who eventually becomes your spouse, it is important that you develop a pure heart in your attitude to the opposite sex. Not only will this allow you to get to know a genuine potential husband or wife within the boundaries of a respectful relationship, but it will also mean that your heart is guarded against confusion and misinterpretation of other relationships so as to be able give yourself totally and freely to your spouse if and when the time comes.

Ask yourself this: Am I treating the opposite sex with the same respect, authenticity and purity as I would treat my own brothers or sisters? Are there any ways in which I can better serve, affirm and support them?

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 Esther Rich is studying Psychology at Oxford University, UK. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

“Pray for your future spouse.” It’s a beautiful phrase which often serves as a reminder to entrust everything to God – including our love lives. But more often than not we hear the phrase in the low points of singleness, when we’re encouraged to ask God to bring us the spouse we long for.

The problem with that is we risk getting so caught up in our own desires that we forget what we’re really praying about: a person! Sometimes we focus so much on the future that we forget they already exist. They’re the same person now as they will be when you meet them—they get out of bed every morning, go to work or school, spend time in prayer, practise hobbies and hang out with friends… And they have needs and desires! Instead of just prayers of petition for ourselves, we should be offering up prayers of intercession for our future spouses.

Around December last year I felt the Lord urging me to pray a novena for my future husband. I don’t know who he is yet, I don’t know what was happening in his life at that time, but I do know that for whatever reason he needed my prayers. Because I love the person he will be on our wedding day, I love the person he is right now—so I continue to pray for his growth with God and for his protection from the enemy.

I want to encourage you to pray for your future spouse, rather than simply praying to have them!

1. Seeing your future spouse as a real person will keep you focused in your pursuit of purity.

When the person you will marry becomes real in your mind rather than an abstract concept, they provide the motivation to resist temptation and save yourself for them. You know the heart of who you’re waiting for, even if you don’t yet know their name, height or hair color.

2. Praying for their needs will prepare you for the total gift of self that is marriage.

When you get married, and even more so if you have children, you will need to very quickly adapt to having more than just yourself to worry about, and sometimes having to put your own desires lower down the priority list. Replacing prayers for what you want with prayers for what they need is the first step.

3. Not focusing on your own desires helps you to put your trust in God.

You may feel you’re called to marriage, but only God knows when that will be. Demanding instant gratification in the romance department won’t alter God’s plan to prosper you. So instead of offering God a comprehensive list of qualities you need in a partner (with an N.B. that you’d prefer them all by next Easter), try thanking Him for the person they are and praying into their current situation… whatever that might be.

You might be thinking “soppy, overly-romantic, idealistic.” Well, anyone that knows me will tell you I’m none of those things. For me, praying for my future husband isn’t a way of “coping” with singleness, it’s an assertion in advance of my equal status in our relationship and prayer life. I believe that the power of a couple’s prayers for each other secures their relationship.

What if I don’t get married?

Your prayers are never wasted! You are, first and foremost, a bride of Christ—so if your vocation doesn’t involve marriage, then your prayers will be offered up to your holy spouse (Jesus) anyway. As the idea is already to pray for needs that we don’t fully understand, only Jesus will know what good your prayers do for humanity through Him.

Try adding your future spouse to your prayer list, or offering up a prayer whenever you think about them, and see how your perspective changes! Pray for blessings on their life, pray for their safety and security, pray for their faith and relationship with Jesus. Most of all pray for them, rather than your desire for them.

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 Esther Rich is in her final year studying Psychology at Oxford University, UK. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”

 

If you’ve ever lost your way on the purity front, you’ll no doubt be familiar with that feeling of sitting in the chastity talk at school just wishing the ground would swallow you up. I’ve been there, I know how you feel.

For a start, hearing how important it is to protect your virginity can bring back the shame of knowing you can’t get yours back. You start to get angry at yourself for making wrong decisions, followed by angry at the speaker for rubbing it in. It’s too hard to hear their optimism about the real beauty of chastity knowing that you haven’t been living that way.

It feels like chastity can’t possibly apply to you—you already messed that one up, it’s too late for you, right? Wrong! Chastity is NOT the same thing as virginity! Virginity is a simple, yes/no matter of biology. Chastity is a LIFESTYLE—one which looks to the future rather than the past, and can be chosen at any point, regardless of what’s happened before

“When you decide firmly to lead a clean life, chastity will not be a burden on you: it will be a crown of triumph.” St Josemaria Escriva

So, here are 5 reasons that choosing chastity DOESN’T depend on whether you’re a virgin…

1.    The Lost Sheep. Even when you’ve stopped making your boyfriend or girlfriend pursue you emotionally by making the relationship too physical, Jesus is still pursuing you – whether you know it or not. He will NEVER give up on you.

 2.    The Prodigal Son. It’s so easy to be intimidated by people who have been ‘successful’ in retaining their virginity, or to feel inferior to them. But your Father doesn’t love you any less than them. He is just waiting to welcome you back to Him with open arms!

3.    The Cross. Jesus sacrificed his life to take away your sins. Not just for humanity, but for YOU personally. 2000 years before you even existed He made your pain His pain, and He wants to do the same today. Our God isn’t a tyrant, He’s a God of mercy, forgiveness and abundant grace.

4.    The Fall of Adam and Eve. When Adam and Eve chose the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge over their relationship with God, they allowed sin to enter into human nature. For that reason, we’ve all sinned. I’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t break God’s heart a little every time one of His children slips up, but He knows it happens, which leads us into…

5.    The Sacrament of Reconciliation. The beautiful thing about Confession is that, by the grace of God, your sins are completely absolved. When you’re truly repentant about your sin, God makes it like it never happened. He can take away your past mistakes, your guilt and your shame—meaning it’s NEVER too late to repent and start afresh. The choice to leave behind your unchaste past and live chastely in the future can be made at any time.

When you eventually meet your future spouse, sure you’ll have to have the conversation where you explain your history, but that can either be along the lines of “After I gave in once I didn’t see any way back, so I kept giving in”, or it can go a little more like this: “I made a mistake in not waiting for you, I know that now, but I’m not that person anymore. From X point on I decided that you were worth more than my old way of life.”

As Jason Evert said: “Don’t be afraid that a good guy wouldn’t love you because of your past. If he defines you by your past, he isn’t that good a guy.”

Have you made a decision you regret? Take it to the cross, leave it there, and start again today. Reconciliation really can lift that weight you’ve been carrying around.

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 Esther Rich is in her final year studying Psychology at Oxford University, UK. She loves Theology of the Body, Papa Francesco and a good worship band. She is passionate about empowering women to be who they were created to be, and blogs at “For Such A Time As This.”