Chastity

Promoting the Virtue of Chastity

Emily Wilson

By

Wedding Nights and Wedding Rings

 

Anyone who has walked the road can tell you…saving sex for marriage is a challenging journey.

You can listen intently to people who say it is worthwhile and read all about it and see some concrete fruits of it in your dating relationships, and believe wholeheartedly that it will all have been worth the wait if you enter into a new life with a carefully chosen spouse. Everyone who makes this choice makes it for a different reason… some make it for reasons based on faith, some people make it for health reasons, and some people recognize the many benefits outside of faith that come along with such a commitment. Whatever the rationale behind the choice, it is a challenging journey filled with tough decisions, hard conversations, and plenty of snide commentary and patronizing remarks.

This decision, however, is not like other tough long-term decisions. Consider a weight loss journey – when you decide to lose 40 pounds—you work off 10 and you can feel yourself thinking… wow, this is worthwhile. I’m going to keep at it even though it’s really tough. When you have tangible proof that every little hard choice of healthy eating and exercising has made a difference within days or weeks, it makes it easier to press on.

But this commitment is not like a weight loss journey, or paying off your graduate school loans little by little and watching the dollar amount go down… there is no way to really know in the thick of it just how worthwhile it will be to endure all the name-calling and laughter in a world that tells you sex is as casual and commonplace as ordering a pizza.

I have walked the road with all it entails. This is what I have learned; I want to share it with you from the other side.

Saving sex for marriage is worthwhile because the day after your wedding night you see this ring on your left hand. I picked a sparkly double row diamond band and he chose a white gold pipe cut band. We shopped long and hard to find the perfect ones.

There is a common misconception about wedding rings, and I know this because I am a woman who has been in conversations with groups of friends about attractive men observed in public… women trying to check to see if there’s a ring… when they see the ring on his left hand flash by… “Darn it, he’s married!”

Here is the thing… this ring does not just mean he is married… his ring is a sign that a woman promised her life to him. The ring is a sign of her promise, not his. The one she wears is the sign of his promise… as he puts the ring on her hand he says to her, “I give you this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity.” So when you see a wedding ring on someone’s hand, it is a concrete sign there is someone, somewhere in the world who promised to love that person forever.

On New Year’s Eve 2015, I woke up with a sparkly wedding ring on my hand. The day before, my spouse had placed it on my hand and promised to love me—in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for all the days of his life. Waiting until that ring was on my hand to give my virginity to a man was the best decision I have ever made (other than my decision to follow Jesus, of course).

Why? Because this ring did not leave any room for worry. This ring eliminated any possibility of regret, panic, or fear. This ring made it impossible for me to worry about what would happen next… it eliminated the questions that can fill people’s heads after sex with a stranger, with a boyfriend or girlfriend, with a friend…. Will he call? What is she thinking? What did I just do? Are we now in a relationship? What happens now? What if someone finds out? What if I get pregnant? Should I feel guilty?

This ring on my hand was the assurance that none of those questions were necessary. This ring meant he would call. It meant that he would still be around in 3 weeks, 6 months, and five years. It meant that if I got pregnant, he would be right beside me for every moment of the pregnancy, of raising a child, of seeing that child into adulthood. It did not leave any room for feeling guilty, sad, regretful, or scared… it only made way for feelings of deep joy, peace, and the knowledge that I am loved—all of me—exactly as I am.

Do not let anyone convince you otherwise…

Waiting until that ring is on your hand is the best thing you could ever do for your current self, your future self, and your future marriage.

It is a worthwhile decision to save sex for marriage—whether you ever end up getting married or not. And you know…if you have not waited until that ring was on your hand… you can decide to begin anew today. I have countless friends who came to an impactful day in their lives when they decided… from this day forward, I will wait for my husband or wife. Do not underestimate the power of our good God who promises to make all things new.

My friends, there is often great difficulty in making commitments which uphold our dignity, worth, and value—these resolutions consistently go against everything the culture proclaims from the rooftops about who we are and what is good and what love is. But these are the decisions which bring about true fulfillment, lasting peace, and authentic love. These are the decisions you will never regret… these are the decisions which made our wedding night beautiful.

—–

ENGAGED? Check out Emily’s video course for brides-to-be!

__________________________

emilywilson_avatar_1386644975-300x300-2Emily Wilson planned her whole life to become a sports reporter but ended up as a Catholic musician and speaker at the hand of God. She lives out of her suitcase and travels across the world speaking and singing with people of all ages. The heart of her ministry is offering encouragement to teen girls in their search for their true identity. “The world doesn’t need what women have, it needs what women are.” -St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross. You can visit her website and listen to her music at www.emwilsonmusic.com.

By

The Day We’ll Share a Home

“97% of couples live together before getting married.” (- The Knot)

I am part of the 3%.

I do not know who The Knot surveyed to get this data, or how big their test pool was, but this is the information they have printed in their big bridal magazine for this season. According to The Knot’s poll, 3% of people choose not to live together before marriage. Yes, I am one of them.

Common societal thought tells me that it is ridiculous to marry someone you have not lived with. Society tells me, “Save money. Really get to know each other. Learn if you are truly compatible. Do not marry someone if you don’t know the reality of how they live at home.”

I will be the first to admit my full cognizance that I do not know what marriage will be like. I do not know how it will look as Daniël and I learn to merge our lifestyles with one another, I do not know the little or big annoyances that will come up with the different ways we live, and I do not know how our cultural differences will come into play when we begin to occupy the same space.

I do know, however, that my life will look completely different on December 31st. It will have turned upside down and inside out for many reasons. I will be a wife. I will have a husband. And New Year’s Eve is the first day in my life I will have a boy as a roommate. This boy and I, we will share a home.

I have always known that I do not want the day after my wedding to be the same old story. I do not want to go back to our home, sharing the kitchen like we did the week before, sleeping in the same room like we did a month before. We will certainly be very changed souls because God will have given us the gift of a stunningly beautiful Sacrament. We will have entered into a covenant with God to love one another for all the days of our lives. That will certainly change the way we live, move, and have our being. And I have a great desire for everything in our lives to reflect the incredible change that will happen the moment each of us finishes the phrase…”I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

On December 31st Daniël and I will share one space because we have become one person. I had a student tell me once, “Miss Wilson, my mom told me that getting married without living together is like buying a car you have never taken for a test-drive.” Thankfully, Daniël is not a Toyota and our differing living habits will not dissuade me from making this “purchase.” Would we both be saving money if we lived in the same apartment? Sure. Would it be easier to come home on December 31st knowing what drives us crazy about the way the other lives? Quite possibly, yes. But would the difficulty of merging the way I live with the way Daniël lives supersede my love for him and make me regret my choice to marry him? No.

Surely, it is a monumental change that we will experience after marriage…we will go from living apart to living together, we will go from having our own rooms to sharing a room and a bed with another person, we will go from seeing each other every two months to seeing each other many moments of every day. The change is far greater than I can currently comprehend. But in the glorious newness of it all, it will be a thrill for Daniël to come home after work and to hang out together and for neither of us to have to leave. It will be a joy to wake up in the middle of the night and be able to look at the man who pledged his love and life to me. It will be a completely new thing to share a closet, to swipe my debit card that holds our money together, and to cook way more food than I am used to cooking for the man with the fastest metabolism of all time. It will be a whole new life. And it will be new, challenging, fun, exciting, and difficult all at once.

I am grateful that no one ever told me that chastity would be convenient. Nobody ever told me that following the precepts of God and His plans for marriage would be a walk in the park. It is surely counter-cultural, and sometimes in my humanity it can feel annoying, expensive, and difficult.

But will it be worthwhile when he carries me over the threshold into our little home in Orange County and everything in our lives has been transformed all at once?

Absolutely.

(For more on cohabitation, click here and here)

ENGAGED? Check out Emily’s video course for brides-to-be!

__________________________

emilywilson_avatar_1386644975-300x300-2Emily Wilson planned her whole life to become a sports reporter but ended up as a Catholic musician and speaker at the hand of God. She lives out of her suitcase and travels across the world speaking and singing with people of all ages. The heart of her ministry is offering encouragement to teen girls in their search for their true identity. “The world doesn’t need what women have, it needs what women are.” -St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross. You can visit her website and listen to her music at www.emwilsonmusic.com.

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Chastity: It isn’t about the rules

We had just gotten engaged two days before and were at daily Mass together. I told Daniël we should ask the priest for a blessing, because he was the first priest we had come in contact with since we got engaged.

So after Mass we saw the priest, introduced ourselves, and asked him if he would give us this blessing. This conversation ensued:

Priest: First of all, you guys know the rules right?
Daniël: The rules?
Priest: Yeah, the rules. The rules about you being engaged.
Me: What rules?
Daniël: Father, please explain further…
Priest: Just because you’re engaged doesn’t mean you’re married. You don’t get to do the things married people get to do.
Me (Sensing where he is trying to go): Are you talking about sex? Are you talking about how we’re not supposed to have sex until we’re married?
Priest: Yes.
Me: Well…….yeah. Obviously.

This was an awkward encounter for me. He gave us a very nice blessing after our discussion, but I was sad at the fact that he didn’t take a moment to rejoice with us before telling us in a very strange way that just because we are engaged does not mean we can break the “rules.” I find no fault with this priest, as many couples do not choose the same road that Daniël and I have chosen and for some this teaching is not obvious, and I must give him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to shepherd us in the best way he knew how. After all, he probably sees plenty of couples living other lifestyles, and has to be courageous about calling them to be chaste.

But as I thought about my feelings about with the encounter, I thought about how the world thinks along this vein, too…we have loved one another for nearly two years now . . . gosh, we must be desperate to have sex with each other. This is not the case at all. Abstaining from sex until marriage has never been about following a “rule,” dreadfully waiting to be released from its confines. Nor are we in some massive hurry to get married so we can bring that into our relationship. Why? Because our relationship is incredibly wonderful and fulfilling as is . . . our relationship has consisted solely of getting to know the heart of the other, which has always made me comfortable, happy, and confident throughout our entire dating process. I have never for a moment wondered if I am being used for my body, and I have never questioned what Daniël’s love for me is based on. I am grateful. We decided together to follow the laws of God because we know that God decreed these for the good of our human hearts.

The world tells us all day long about how sex is an integral part of any relationship, while most often forgetting to tell us that there are many avenues by which you can show your love to someone other than physically. It tells young people that if you do not know your partner physically and intimately, something is weird, something is wrong. Our culture says that healthy dating relationships are based on a good sex life, and nothing about sacrifice and deep, true, genuine, giving to the other. Just read the headlines on a few magazines for younger people . . . every other cover story seems to be about dating in regards to sex. I see no headlines or cover stories about sacrifice.

I have never had to give of my body to Daniël in order to make our relationship “normal,” nor am I in such a desperate hurry to give of my body to him that as soon as he puts an engagement ring on my hand I decide it’s the same as being in the sacrament of marriage. It’s not. And we know that. The gift of sex is meant for the sacrament of marriage in order to be bonded to your spouse in the most beautiful way, and no, being engaged to someone is not the sacrament of marriage. And that is perfectly okay with me, because when the day does come that we enter into this sacrament, it will be as it was designed to be. It will be within the correct context, the most beautiful context, the safest and most sure context of all—within a grace-filled sacrament in which we have made a covenant with God to love each other no. matter. what.

In the meantime, we will continue to love one another for the next many months of this engagement—supporting one another spiritually and emotionally, joyfully encouraging one another to grow to be the people God created us to be, and having a blast all along the way.

—–

ENGAGED? Check out Emily’s video course for brides-to-be!

__________________________

emilywilson_avatar_1386644975-300x300-2Emily Wilson planned her whole life to become a sports reporter but ended up as a Catholic musician and speaker at the hand of God. She lives out of her suitcase and travels across the world speaking and singing with people of all ages. The heart of her ministry is offering encouragement to teen girls in their search for their true identity. “The world doesn’t need what women have, it needs what women are.” -St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross. You can visit her website and listen to her music at www.emwilsonmusic.com.

By

Why Today is the Day to Break Up with Your Boyfriend

I received many wonderful responses to my piece “When God Provides.” I got texts from old friends, girls I knew in high school, former students, and e-mails and messages from many other women. Some wrote with hopeful hearts, some with broken hearts, many had expectant and joyful hearts. Some wrote sharing they knew they were settling for less than they deserve. The overarching sentiment from all these women was this… “Thank you for reminding me that I deserve the best.”

So today I write to the young women settling for far from the best.

Life is too short to mince words here. I say this because I have a great love in my heart for you even though I may not know you. I say it because I want the best for every woman born to this earth. So yes… today is the day. The time is now. If you are settling for a relationship that is not good for you, today is the day that it comes to an end. Consider this your pep talk, a sign you have been waiting for, or some other form of courage… today is the day you must break up with your boyfriend.

I know well that relationships are tough work and they are never perfect. I also fully acknowledge that men are not the only ones who have the power to use another, belittle another, or infiltrate a relationship with negative actions and words. But today I speak only to you, the woman who knows it deep down—that the place you find yourself in is not right or good.

Perhaps you have already been mulling this over… maybe for a day, or a month, or a year. There is no need to over think it… you know well and deep in your heart if what you are involved in is good for you or not.

It is the duty of every man to uphold the dignity of every woman.

– St. John Paul II

A relationship with a good man does not make you feel used, dirty, stupid, or put-down. A relationship with a good man does not lead you away from God and a life of faith, make you cry yourself to sleep, fill you with shame or guilt, or make you feel ignored. A relationship with a good man does not make you feel empty or disposable.

A relationship with a good man makes you know that you are honored, strengthened, set apart, respected, and of great worth. A relationship with a good man helps you to see the face of Christ and move toward Christ. Settling for a boy or a man who makes you feel any of the former is a waste of your precious life.

“But I am in love with him…”

“But we have been together for so long…”

“I told him what I felt and I think he is really going to try to change…”

“I know in my heart you are right but I. just. can’t…”

Yes. You. Can.

Tell me a million reasons why you cannot let it go—I have heard them all. And to all of the reasons you can find, with all the love in my heart for you I want you to know this—love is not about a feeling. It is and always will be about sacrifice and the lifting up of another. Authentic love fortifies the other, magnifies God, and brings one deep peace and joy above all. Love is not about the amount of time you have been together, nor is love about breaking up and making up and jumping back in because this is what you know, this is what is comfortable. Relationships are not everything—you do not need a boyfriend to feel joyful, esteemed, or fulfilled. I want authentic love for you, and I know you desire the same. That is why today is the day.

Yes, ending a relationship is a scary thing. Be brave, be honest, be open, be respectful, and be bold. Life can look very different all of a sudden and your heart may very well break—but the dawn always comes after heartbreak if you press into the One who loves you endlessly. The Lord is indeed near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:19).  He is the One who will tell you by His death as many times as you need to hear it: “You are loved, wanted, precious, believed in, and of infinite worth. I have called you by name, and you are Mine.”

Stay in a relationship that is bad for you—and you may very well miss the man God wants to write into your story now, if that be His will for your life. Spend time settling and you throw away the time you could be using to prepare your heart for the man God created you to be with.

If you need personal encouragement, contact me. I will e-mail with you, talk to you on the phone, whatever it takes to help you take the step you know you must take. I want you to feel encouraged, loved, and supported in choosing what you know is best for you. Take heart and know that I am here cheering you on in choosing good for your heart and in your waiting and preparing for a good man. Because you—yes, you—deserve the absolute best.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

__________________________

emilywilson_avatar_1386644975-300x300-2Emily Wilson planned her whole life to become a sports reporter but ended up as a Catholic musician and speaker at the hand of God. She lives out of her suitcase and travels across the world speaking and singing with people of all ages. The heart of her ministry is offering encouragement to teen girls in their search for their true identity. “The world doesn’t need what women have, it needs what women are.” -St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross. You can visit her website and listen to her music at www.emwilsonmusic.com.

By

When God Provides

 

During my freshman year at Arizona State, I was riding my bright yellow bicycle to an economics exam when my bike chain broke. It split into two pieces.

Annoyed at my misfortune, I walked my bike the rest of the way to the exam (I have moments where I’m still thrilled over the fact that I will never have to study economics ever again), and after it was over I walked it to the campus bike shop. They told me to come back in an hour or so and I would have a brand new chain and fully-functioning bicycle. So I went to get lunch, and then I walked back. The bike repair guy said, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we didn’t have any more gray bike chains. The good news is that we had a bright fuchsia one, so we put that one on your bike.” I was ecstatic. “Oh, and it also has sparkles. I hope that’s OK, too. And since it’s not what you asked for, we gave you a 50% discount.”

God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

This one fantastic moment in the bike shop was a simple and concrete representation of so many things our good God has done in my life.

We often ask God for things or tell God what we need, and God always responds in some way, shape, or form. Indeed, His response is often a surprise, not always what we expect, and does not often come on our own timeline. He may give us something we did not think we need or something that is a little different. I am sure you can recall some of those moments in your own life.

Presently, I can see this scenario in the love story God is writing in my life. God has certainly given me a wild love story for the books. It will take me a very long time to write out the whole story one day, so I will share just a part of it with you.

I wondered for a long time in my teens and early twenties about what authentic love would be like. I went on dates with plenty of jerks, and over time this ultimately led me to hope . . . maybe I’ll find a nice guy one day. “Nice” was the bar I wanted to reach. My expectations were mediocre, in the same way that I hoped for a gray bike chain that one day in the bike shop. I thought a gray one was all I needed. I thought a nice guy was all I needed, too.

God certainly gave me more than “nice” and the surprise was that the man He wrote into my life lived in Europe. His name is Daniël and not only is he nice . . . he is convicted, strong, compassionate, selfless, and holy. In every women’s talk I give, I tell the women about a letter Daniël wrote to me. After spending some time together and before we began dating, he wrote me a letter that ended with this…

“I have desires to honor, protect, and serve you, but most importantly lead you closer to Christ in every possible way.”

Yes, I hoped for a guy who was decent and good. God has given me more than that…much, much more. God gave me a man who has shown me Christ day in and day out. I did not know what authentic love would look like in my own life, and Daniël has shown it to me in every way. Dating someone who lives 6,000 miles away takes a very serious, strong, and deep commitment. Daniël has stopped at nothing to commit to loving me, to sacrificing for me, to leading me to a stronger prayer life, and to helping me love myself for who I am. When the going has gotten rough, he has carried me forward. He prays for me and with me. He respects my body as my own and we choose chastity together and he makes me know well that I am honored and loved. And when it recently came time to really dig in and sacrifice, he did not flinch. He moved his life halfway around the planet to show me what true love really is…true love is great sacrifice. He has sacrificed the life he knows—the people he knows and the lifestyle he knows and the home he knows—to show me his love. And I am overwhelmed and grateful because I have received so much more than I ever thought I needed. I glimpse the love of the God of the universe in the way I am loved by this man.

I know well and deeply that when God provides in His ways and in His timing it is always better that we imagined. And it is always more beautiful than we thought it would be.

Women, don’t settle for less than amazing when it comes to the man you allow into your heart. If it be His will for your life, God will provide you with the most astounding love—if you settle for mediocre you will miss out on God’s plan, a plan of abundance and much more joy than you ever thought possible.

Ask the married couple at the wedding feast in Cana: They needed only a bit more wine, but God provided the astonishing abundance of 180 gallons.

We hope and we ask for gray, and God gives us fuchsia. And not only does God give us fuchsia, we get sparkles and half-off, too.

—–

ENGAGED? Check out Emily’s video course for brides-to-be!

___________________________

emilywilson_avatar_1386644975-300x300-2Emily Wilson planned her whole life to become a sports reporter but ended up as a Catholic musician and speaker at the hand of God. She lives out of her suitcase and travels across the world speaking and singing with people of all ages. The heart of her ministry is offering encouragement to teen girls in their search for their true identity. “The world doesn’t need what women have, it needs what women are.” -St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross. You can visit her website and listen to her music at www.emwilsonmusic.com.

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