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Bobby Angel

October 1, 2019 By Bobby Angel

Return to the Father

Hours before we were married, my wife and I went to Confession separately, wanting to enter into marriage as free as we could be. We confessed times when we gave away our love to individuals who didn’t deserve it and times when we ourselves failed to love as we should. I knew that through years of viewing pornography, I had given myself to so many other women, but that through God’s grace my mind and memory had begun the healing process.

On our wedding day, we wanted to come together without any reservation of our past and be intimately one. And that’s what Confession is all about. The word “Reconciliation” emphasizes a return to intimacy with God. The hint of spousal love is not accidental; it is exactly the point. God wants us to be present with Him in each moment with that level of spousal unity. Sin isn’t the mere breaking of a rule, but the severing of a loving relationship. Confession is the rightful movement back to the Divine Lover, who longs for our return. “Return, Israel, to the Lord your God,” said the prophet Hosea to his people in exile (Hos. 14:1). Time and time again, the Hebrew people forgot the goodness of the Lord, and yet God stood steadfast as only a lover could. Time and time again, we are tempted to walk away from the Lord’s goodness, yet God waits on our return.

Through the imperfect priest, we are given access to the Perfect Lover of our souls. Pope Francis stated that it’s not God who tires of forgiving us, but we who tire of asking for forgiveness. I know that I experienced shame and frustration with having to return to the sacrament week after week for issues of lust in my college years. I would go to different parishes, worried that the priests would start remembering me. Of course, I was missing the point that I needed to be held accountable and that God was always, always waiting there in the priest to receive me back into that intimate relationship with Him.

Now that I’m a parent, my children, of course, do things that try my patience and push me to anger. My anger with them lasts but a moment, and in the next instant, I try to console, reconcile and shower love on them. God the Father sees us with such infinite love that no sin we ever commit can separate us from Him. But we must be humble enough to say, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

Go and Sin No More

The answer to the moral crises of our time is to live in holiness. In every time of trial for the Church, great saints have risen to lead the response, souls humble enough to admit that they are sinners in need of a Savior. At the end of each confession, we say an Act of Contrition, in which we assert our intent to avoid whatever leads us into sin. There is a danger of treating Confession as a quick car wash when we frequent the sacrament without committing to changing problematic behaviors and habits. This cheapens the divine mercy God offers us through the blood of Christ.

How serious are we about living this call to repentance? We must be “all in.” We must be willing to get to the roots of our habits and to see where our wounds originated. “If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out” (Mark 9:47). I have friends who have downgraded their phone to a “dumb phone,” so that they could be free of their endless temptations to lust, envy, and sloth. I installed software on my computer years ago to help me overcome pornography use and hold me accountable, for the sake of my soul and my future vocation. It’s not easy, and it takes time. But through our examining the origins of our scars, God is glorified and we can be transformed. Behaviors can be corrected and wholeness can be achieved with the assistance of the Divine Healer.

Pardon and Peace

“For freedom Christ has set us free” (Gal. 5:1). God did not send His only Son so that we might have more rules and live in fearful, neurotic guilt, but that we might have life in abundance (John 10:10). A life lived in the divine love and truth will truly set us free. I try to go to Confession at least once a month. St. John Paul II would go once a week—what the pope had to confess, only God knows! The holier we become, the more we see our selfish tendencies and flaws and see the great distance between who we are and who we could be. The great saints attest to this fact. But still God pours His grace out upon those humble enough and persistent enough to ask for it. Experience the healing God wants to pour out upon you. Return to the intimacy of God in this treasured sacrament of the Church. Confess and believe in the glory of God!

_____________________

photoBobby Angel hails from St. Petersburg, FL, and is now a campus minister and theology teacher at an all-boys Catholic high school in Anaheim, CA. In August 2013, he married Jackie Francois and the two have been sharing the Good News together through blogs, talks, and webcasts. They enjoy living by the beach, eating good food, swing dancing, game nights with friends, and being married. Their blog can be found at: www.jackieandbobby.com

Filed Under: Forgiveness, Sexual Healing, Starting Over

December 17, 2015 By Bobby Angel

Should you date while discerning?

No, probably not.

It’s one of the toughest struggles, especially for a young person seeking to do the will of God in their lives, to adequately discern a religious vocation while desiring to date.  I tried to walk that line in college and failed more than a few times, hurting several friends in the process.

But how can I know for sure?  What if the right person comes along?  What if I miss the opportunity? How can I know if celibacy is right for me if I’ve never seriously dated?

Here’s my recommendation: No, you probably shouldn’t date while seriously discerning a celibate vocation. The keyword here is “seriously,” indicating that this is something you’ve been wrestling with for more than one evening. (If it is your first evening, stop hyperventilating. If it’s been five years of you putting this off, get your act together).

This is one bearded man’s opinion, not the Gospel truth.  But I can tell you from personal experience (and doing it poorly) that discerning a religious vocation while trying to date isn’t fair to either the person you’re trying to date or even yourself.  Love means to will the good of the other, especially when it hurts.

Made for Love
Perspective: no matter what vocation you are called to, every man and woman has been created by God and for God, the Author of all Love.  In God alone do we find our destination, the aim of our love, and we must run to Him for the fulfillment our hearts yearn for, not to any mortal man or woman.

Marriage itself becomes an idol when we put a man or woman on a pedestal and expect him or her to fulfill our deepest longings (spoiler alert: never gonna happen).  What marriage should be is a signof the love between God and His people, a sign that points us onward to the banquet of heaven.  Heck, even the priesthood or religious life can become an idol when it stops being the means by which we will serve God and his people and becomes the destination. The joyful celibate is a witness to the union with God we’re all called to share, but it is indeed a total gift and total commitment meant to be a life of service for others. Life doesn’t end on your wedding day, ordination day, or professing your final vows. That day should be the beginning of the next, much less self-centered season of your life.

But let’s back up to the initial question.  If you’ve passed the initial “curiosity stage” of considering a religious vocation and entered into a more serious discernment phase, I don’t believe it’s wise or prudent to date.  Here’s why.

Lack of Intentionality 
What’s the purpose of dating?  Dating ought to be the process by which we’re looking for our future spouse.  If you’re not ready to get married then you probably shouldn’t be dating.

Dating while discerning is, quite frankly, not intentional.  While the intentions of a person may be clearly defined (“Just so you know, I’m considering the priesthood”), the language of the body is not aligned with the intent of the heart.  I may be romancing a person by my words and actions, but my mind and heart are divided in considering an alternative destination.  I’m essentially already considering dating another person while trying to woo you.  This leads to inevitable confusion and hurt.  If you haven’t ruled out a religious vocation for your life and you seriously desire to explore that option, then you’re not ready to sincerely consider marriage (and thus shouldn’t be dating).

“’The biggest coward is a man who awakens the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” –Bob Marley

Dating while in a period of discerning can be a selfish act to stem off loneliness or even be a purposeful act of self-sabotage because we fear the demands of our vocation.  We can lead people on by our actions, giving them false hope.  Especially when God is the alternative option, how can a person compete with that?  The person rejected feels like they were never had a chance anyway or they got their hopes up, thinking perhaps that they would be “the one.”

In college, I experienced a persistent call towards the priesthood.  I tried ignoring/burying it, yet I kept feeling the tug to follow Christ on the road of priestly discernment. Eventually I entered the seminary, but not before dating several female friends, thinking maybe I would prove to God (and myself) that I wasn’t called to be a priest.   My efforts were often conflated with a self-centered, overly romanticized outlook that covered up my fear of loneliness or lust for a warm body.  I hurt many friends because I didn’t have enough self-mastery to recognize my own selfishness and to curtail flirtatious actions or words.  These relationships were never fair to my friends from the get-go because my heart was already looking towards another horizon.

Fear of Choosing, Fear of Losing 
I experienced a phenomena that I recognize in many other young adults that I like to call, “vocational paralysis.”  For a host of different reasons, we may feel overwhelmed by the decision before us and so we either postpone it or make no decision at all.  It’s easier to remain on the fence than actually move in a direction.

“Discernment” has become a modern buzzword that means, “I will never make a decision.”  You may know a friend who is perennially “discerning” his or her state in life (you may be that friend).  The problem is that you can’t adequately discern without concretely venturing forth into the unknown.  Eventually you must get out of your head.  You have to act.

But of course, especially with dating, our fears bubble up:

  • What if I miss the right moment to act?   Some of us wait too long to act, others act too rashly. Either way, if you are following the will of God and listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit you will never “miss” the moment that He wants you in.  Trust that He has plans for your welfare and not your woe. The moment will come, you only need eyes to see it and the courage to act. 
  • What if the right person comes along while I’m in the seminary or convent?   Whether it‘s our own fear, our tendency to self-sabotage, or a legitimate temptation to deviate from God’s plan, alternate options will always present themselves.  Our dream girl or guy inevitably shows up as soon as we’re about to commit to such a journey with God.  The question is whether we trust God enough to not grasp and wait on His plan for the allotted time.

I met Jackie while I was a seminarian.  Simply happy that a pretty blonde girl was talking with me, I had no idea I was meeting my future wife at the time.  A friendship grew organically over the next year and a half, but it was very much detached and without ulterior motives.  God seemed to be “protecting us” from jumping to the romance stage, and He forced us to cultivate a real friendship first that genuinely wanted the best for the other person.  Meanwhile, I continued to give myself to the priestly discernment process and, with the help of my spiritual director and friends, concluded that I would be more generous and “most me” in the married state.  Lo and behold, God brought Jackie and I back together at the right moment.  But it was only after I stepped out and trusted Him.

  • So should I not date at all for my time in college if I am feeling called?   If you’ve seriously arrived at a place in your heart where you persistently hear Christ knocking on the door of you heart and you know you need to explore religious life, dating is only going to muddy the waters and create confusion.  This is where heroic self-mastery comes in…to not use another for selfish reasons or rationalize dating “for the moment.”  Good Christian men and women can do a lot of harm by dating with selfish motives.  Because if Christ has been knocking, He’s not going away.

Concerning dating while discerning, there are other variables to examine. What stage of life are you in? High school?  There will be a lot of growth and transition coming soon.  College?   You’re starting to make some concrete decisions for your future, while still on fertile ground to explore.  Post-college? Flexible, but it’s time to make serious life choices. We’re not guaranteed seventy years on this earth. How will you serve God today?

  • How can I know if celibacy is right for me if I’ve never seriously dated?   This is a good question. We’ve had many saints who entered religious life who never dated (St. Therése) who led lives of great holiness and others who demonstrated heroic self-mastery when it came to refraining from dating for the good of others (Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati).  Some individuals, however, need a “peace of mind” when it comes to the dating question.  Be careful not to rationalize out of lust, though.  This is where a good spiritual director or vocation director could provide valuable, personalized insight and give an external perspective.

On the flip side, if you feel God calling you to follow Him wholeheartedly in this radical way but never actually commit to journeying down that road (whether religious life, the seminary, missionary work), how will you know that’s not the life He has called for you? You don’t take a blood oath when you enter a seminary or convent; you’re only entering into formation to see if this is what God has called you to, and you will be better for stepping out in faith regardless of the outcome.

“The greater the feeling of responsibility for the person, the more true love there is.”

-St. John Paul II

If a vocation is truly a heavenly call within an earthly vessel, we need to treat it carefully.  What a gift to be called into union with and service to Christ!  We should run to Christ, entrusting our journey and our youth to Him as soon as possible.  I have no doubt that a lot of religious vocations are muted, lost, or killed in the hedonistic culture of college life.

Ironically, it was my surrender to God in what I believed was a call to the priesthood that led me to my wife.  I am a better husband and father today than I ever could have been without my journey in priestly formation.  The priests, formation directors, and brother seminarians all helped me to become a more selfless and Christ-centered man.  Your particular journey will be your own and no one else’s.  Entrust it to Jesus Christ and hang on for the ride.

Seek wisdom, talk to vocation directors.  Form virtuous friendships and know yourself well enough to be honest with yourself.  Exercise self-mastery especially when it hurts.  Run to Christ in your loneliness.

Remember that God is your destination.  Let Him fill your ache.  The rest will be sorted out.

_____________________

photoBobby Angel hails from St. Petersburg, FL, and is now a campus minister and theology teacher at an all-boys Catholic high school in Anaheim, CA. In August 2013, he married Jackie Francois and the two have been sharing the Good News together through blogs, talks, and webcasts. They enjoy living by the beach, eating good food, swing dancing, game nights with friends, and being married. Their blog can be found at: www.jackieandbobby.com

Filed Under: Dating, Vocations

November 2, 2015 By Bobby Angel Leave a Comment

¿Deberías salir con alguien mientras disciernes?

No, probablemente no.

Una de las pruebas más difíciles, sobre todo para un joven que está buscando la voluntad de Dios para su vida, es discernir adecuadamente una vocación religiosa a la vez que tiene ganas de salir con alguien. Intenté seguir esa línea en la universidad y fallé unas cuantas veces, haciendo daño a varios amigos en el proceso.

¿Pero cómo puedo estar seguro? ¿Y si apareciera la persona adecuada? ¿Y si pierdo la oportunidad? ¿Cómo puedo saber si el celibato es para mí si nunca he salido con nadie en serio?

Este es mi consejo: No, probablemente no deberías salir con alguien mientras disciernes seriamente una vocación al celibato. La palabra clave aquí es “seriamente”, que quiere decir que es algo con lo que has estado peleándote más de una tarde (si es la primera tarde, deja de hiperventilar. Si has estado cinco años posponiéndolo: ¡espabila!).

Este es el consejo de un hombre, no la verdad del Evangelio. Pero te puedo decir por experiencia personal (y hacerlo a duras penas) que discernir una vocación religiosa mientras intentas salir con alguien no es justo ni para la persona con la que intentas salir, ni para ti. Amor significa desear el bien del otro, en especial cuando duele.

Hechos para el amor.

Perspectiva: No importa la vocación a la que estés llamado, todo hombre y mujer ha sido creado por Dios y para Dios, el Autor de todo Amor. Solo en Dios encontramos nuestro punto de llegada, el sentido de nuestro amor, y deberíamos correr a Él para alcanzar la realización que anhelan nuestros corazones, no a cualquier hombre o mujer mortal.

El mismo matrimonio se convierte en un ídolo cuando ponemos a un hombre o una mujer en un pedestal y esperamos que cumpla nuestros deseos insatisfechos (spoiler: nunca va a pasar). El matrimonio debería ser un signo del amor entre Dios y su gente, un signo que apunta hacia delante, al banquete del Reino. Es más, incluso el presbiterado y la vida religiosa pueden convertirse en un ídolo cuando deja de ser el medio por el cual servimos a Dios y a su gente y pasa a ser un fin en sí mismo. El célibe alegre es un testigo de la unión con Dios que todos estamos llamados a compartir, pero es en efecto un regalo y un compromiso total a dar la vida en servicio a los demás. La vida no acaba el día de tu boda, de tu ordenación o de tus votos perpetuos. Ese día debería ser el inicio del siguiente, una estación de tu vida mucho menos egocéntrica.

Pero volvamos a la pregunta inicial. Si has pasado el estado inicial de “curiosidad” por considerar una vocación religiosa y has entrado en una fase de discernimiento más seria, no creo que sea sabio ni prudente salir con alguien. He aquí porqué.

Falta de intencionalidad.

¿Cuál es la finalidad de salir con alguien? Salir con alguien debería de ser el proceso por el cual estamos buscando nuestro futuro matrimonio. Si no estás preparado para casarte, entonces probablemente no deberías estar saliendo con nadie.

Salir con alguien mientras se discierne no es, francamente, algo deliberado. Mientras que las intenciones de la persona pueden estar claramente definidas (“para que lo sepas, me estoy planteando ser sacerdote”), el lenguaje del cuerpo está alineado con la intención del corazón. Puedo estar enamorando a una persona con mis palabras y mis acciones, pero mi mente y mi corazón están divididos considerando un destino alternativo. Básicamente me estoy planteando salir con otra persona mientras intento seducirte. Esto lleva inevitablemente a la confusión y al daño. Si no has descartado una vocación religiosa para tu vida y te planteas explorar esa opción seriamente, entonces no estás preparado para considerar seriamente el matrimonio (y por tanto no deberías estar saliendo con alguien).

“El mayor cobarde es un hombre que despierta el amor de una mujer sin intención de amarla” Bob Marley.

Salir con alguien durante una etapa de discernimiento puede ser un acto egoísta para rechazar la soledad o incluso ser un acto intencional de auto-sabotaje porque tememos las exigencias de nuestra vocación. Podemos coquetear con la gente con nuestras acciones, dándoles falsas esperanzas. Sobre todo cuando Dios es la opción alternativa, ¿quién puede competir contra eso? La persona rechazada se siente como si nunca hubiera tenido oportunidad alguna, o se siente esperanzada creyendo que quizá será “la elegida”.

En la universidad sentí una insistente llamada al presbiterado. Intenté ignorarla/enterrarla, y aun así sentía el tirón de seguir a Cristo por el camino del sacerdocio. Finalmente entré en el seminario, no sin haber salido antes con varias amigas, creyendo que quizá demostraría a Dios (y a mí mismo) que no estaba llamado para el sacerdocio. Mis esfuerzos solían combinarse con una egocéntrica e idealizada perspectiva que encubría mi miedo a la soledad o la ausencia de un cuerpo caliente. Hice daño a muchas personas porque no había crecido lo suficiente como para reconocer mi egoísmo y dejar de flirtear. Esas relaciones fueron desde el principio injustas, porque mi corazón estaba ya mirando hacia otro horizonte.

El miedo de elegir, el miedo de perder.

Experimenté un fenómeno que reconozco en muchos otros jóvenes adultos y que me gusta llamar “paralisis vocacional”. Por un sinnúmero de razones, podríamos llegar a sentirnos abrumados por la decisión que hay ante nosotros y posponerla o ni siquiera tomar una decisión. Es más fácil quedarse mirando desde el banquillo que salir a jugar.

“Discernimiento” se ha convertido en la nueva palabra de moda que significa “nunca tomaré una decisión“. Puede que conozcas a alguien que está permanentemente “discerniendo” su estado de vida (puede que tú seas esa persona). El problema es que no puedes discernir adecuadamente sin aventurarte concretamente hacia lo desconocido. Al final tendrás que salir de tu cabeza. Tienes que actuar.

Pero por supuesto, especialmente con las relaciones de pareja,             nuestros miedos salen a flote:

  • ¿Y si pierdo el momento adecuado para actuar? Algunos de nosotros esperamos demasiado para actuar, otros actúan precipitadamente. Sea como sea, si estás siguiendo la voluntad de Dios y escuchando las indicaciones del Espíritu Santo, nunca “perderás” el momento que Él quiere para ti. Confía en que Él tiene planes para tu felicidad y no tu desgracia. El momento llegará, solo necesitas ojos para verlo y el valor para actuar.
  • ¿Y si la persona adecuada llega mientras estoy en el seminario o en un convento? Sea nuestro miedo, nuestra tendencia al auto-sabotaje, o una tentación para desviarnos del plan de Dios, siempre aparecerán opciones alternativas. Nuestra chica o chico soñados inevitablemente aparecerán en cuanto estemos preparados para realizar este viaje con Dios. La pregunta es si confiamos lo suficiente en Dios como para no irnos a la primera de cambio y esperar en su plan el tiempo asignado.

Yo conocí a Jackie mientras estaba en el seminario. Feliz porque una chica rubia y guapa estaba hablando conmigo, no tenía ni idea de que en ese momento estaba conociendo a mi futura mujer. Una amistad creció con naturalidad durante el siguiente año y medio, pero era muy indiferente y sin motivos ulteriores. Dios parecía estar “protegiéndonos” de saltar al estado romántico, y Él nos forzó a cultivar primero una amistad real que quisiera de verdad lo mejor para la otra persona. Mientras tanto, yo seguía dedicándome al discernimiento sacerdotal y, con la ayuda de mi director espiritual y mis amigos, concluí que sería más generoso y “más yo” en el estado matrimonial. ¡Y sorpresa!, Dios nos puso a Jackie y a mi juntos de nuevo en el momento justo. Pero fue solo después de que yo me retirara y confiara en Él.

  • ¿Así que no debería salir con nadie mientras estoy en la universidad si me siento llamado? Si tú has llegado seriamente a un lugar en tu corazón donde oyes a Cristo llamando a la puerta de tu corazón con persistencia y tú sabes que tienes que explorar la vida religiosa, salir con alguien es solo irse a aguas turbias y crear confusión. Aquí es donde el auto-control heroico entra en juego… no usar a otro por razones egoístas o racionalizar el salir con alguien “de momento”. Los buenos cristianos, hombres y mujeres, pueden hacer mucho daño saliendo con alguien por motivos egoístas. Porque si Cristo está llamando a la puerta, no se va a ir.

Sobre salir con alguien mientras se discierne, hay otras variables que examinar. ¿En qué estado de la vida estás? ¿Instituto? Habrá un montón de crecimiento y transición dentro de poco. ¿Universidad? Estás empezando a tomar algunas decisiones concretas para tu futuro, aunque todavía hay tierra fértil por explorar. ¿Has acabado la universidad? Flexible, pero es un momento para tomar decisiones serias para la vida. No tenemos garantizados setenta años en esta tierra. ¿Qué harás para servir hoy a Dios?

  • ¿Cómo puedo saber si el celibato es para mí si nunca he salido en serio con nadie? Esta es una buena pregunta. Hemos tenido muchos santos que entraron en la vida religiosa, que nunca estuvieron saliendo con nadie (Santa Teresa) y que han llevado vidas de gran santidad y otros que demostraron un auto-control heróico cuando se trató de abstenerse de salir con alguien por el bien de los otros (Beato Pier Giorgio Frassati). Algunos individuos, sin embargo, necesitan una “paz mental” cuando se trata de la cuestión del noviazgo. Aunque ten cuidado con no racionalizar por el deseo. Aquí es donde un buen director espiritual o director vocacional podría proporcionar una percepción de la situación valiosa y personalizada y darnos una perspectiva desde fuera.

Por otro lado, si sientes a Dios llamándote a seguirle con todo el corazón en modo radical pero de hecho nunca te comprometes a andar por este camino (sea la vida religiosa, el seminario, el trabajo misionero), ¿cómo vas a saber si es o no la vida a la que te ha preparado? No haces un juramento de sangre cuando entras en el seminario o en un convento; estás tan solo entrando en formación para ver si esto es lo que Dios ha preparado para ti, y te será mejor para avanzar en la fe a pesar del resultado.

“Cuanto mayor es el sentido de responsabilidad por la persona, mayor es el amor” San Juan Pablo II.

Si la vocación es de verdad una llamada del cielo con un medio terrenal, debemos tratarla con cuidado. ¡Qué regalo ser llamados a la unión y al servicio a Cristo! Deberíamos correr hacia Cristo, confiándole nuestro viaje y nuestra juventud tan pronto como sea posible. No tengo duda de que muchas vocaciones religiosas son silenciadas, pérdidas o matadas en la hedonista cultura de la vida universitaria.

Irónicamente, fue mi rendición ante Dios en lo que creía que era una llamada al sacerdocio lo que me llevó a mi mujer. Ahora soy un marido y un padre mejor de lo que podría haberlo sido sin mi viaje en la formación sacerdotal. Los curas, directores de formación y hermanos seminaristas, todos me ayudaron a ser más desinteresado y a estar más centrado en Cristo. Tu viaje particular será el tuyo propio y el de nadie más. Confíaselo a Jesucristo y aguanta el viaje.

Buscar la sabiduría, habla con directores vocacionales. Construye amistades virtuosas y conócete a ti mismo lo suficiente como para ser honesto contigo mismo. Ejercítate en el auto-control, en especial cuando molesta. Vé hacia Cristo en tu soledad.

Recuerda que Dios es tu meta. Deja que rellene tu dolor. El resto se solucionará.

_____________________

photoBobby Angel hails from St. Petersburg, FL, and is now a campus minister and theology teacher at an all-boys Catholic high school in Anaheim, CA. In August 2013, he married Jackie Francois and the two have been sharing the Good News together through blogs, talks, and webcasts. They enjoy living by the beach, eating good food, swing dancing, game nights with friends, and being married. Their blog can be found at: www.jackieandbobby.com

Filed Under: Dating

February 22, 2014 By Bobby Angel

Is pornography cheating?

Is pornography cheating?

Yes.

Oh, sorry…I guess I need to write more. Well, I guess I can explain it a little better.

Girls can usually see this issue for what it is. We guys, on the other hand, rationalize, make excuses, or are just simply too addicted to our lust to admit what is staring at us from the computer screen.

Pornography is cheating on your family, cheating on your spouse, and ultimately cheating on yourself.

I really believe that pornography is the “silent killer” of our generation, stripping men (and a growing population of women) of their vitality and potency to become the men they’re called to be. We are all the “walking wounded,” having been exposed to pornography in one way or another. Some men and women have been mildly rocked by their encounters to porn, while other marriages and faith communities have been completely torn apart by just one individual’s addiction.

Pornography is inherently shameful because we know—deep down—that something extremely personal has become entertainment. We men don’t hide or check our surroundings when we try to sneak a peak of Home & Garden in the magazine rack at the store, or clear our online browsing history because we spent too much time looking at websites of fishing equipment. We aren’t proud of viewing pornography for a reason. The computer screen becomes a mirror that reveals to us our failure to be faithful—faithful as husbands to our wives, faithful in preparing ourselves to be a gift to our future wives, faithful to our call to be men of sacrifice as Christ was in embracing the Cross.

And we’ve all heard the excuses:

“Nobody gets hurt.” Very few men truly believe in the “nobody gets hurt” excuse of pornography. Many men want to believe this, but deep down they know otherwise.
Just ask any sister/girlfriend/spouse.

“It’s healthy for me!” Pornography re-wires the pleasure sensors of your brain and has been proven to be as addictive as heroin.

“She isn’t a real person.” Yes, she is.

It’s not that pornography shows too much of a person, but that it truly shows too little, and we men, who are called to be protectors of the dignity of the women in our lives, forego our mission for fleeting moments of pleasure. Shame and self-centeredness inevitably follows the repetition of viewing pornography, and—for a rapidly growing population of youth—addiction and acting out what has been viewed on screen.

We’re living in a warped time period where viewing pornography is aggressively marketed as something “healthy” and should even be viewed with your significant other to “spice” things up, as several mens’ magazines are continually promoting (and I’m getting tired of reading). Douglas Wilson said that authentic masculinity is about “sacrificial responsibility,” but pornography robs men of both sacrifice and responsibility. How truly backwards it is that “adult” stores cater to men who refuse to grow up. It took a generation of people understanding how secondhand smoke could be just as harmful as those smoking cigarettes—I wonder at times how many lives have to be wrecked by “secondhand” porn before we wake up as a nation.

I saw my first Playboy magazine when I was about ten, playing hide-and-seek in my uncle’s closet. Waiting for my brother and cousin to find me, the magazine caught my eye. I didn’t open it (somehow I knew this wasn’t a normal periodical), but the way this cover model looked both enticed and instilled a certain fear in me. She seemed angry, and yet alluring (I do remember thinking it was strange that her clothing was falling off). It wasn’t until college, though, and all the “freedoms” that college life offers, that the bell sounded and my personal boxing match with pornography really began. Thankfully, I met some good guys through the campus ministry and we began to hold each other accountable. Deeper purification happened during my time in seminary, and I’m graced to say that I haven’t looked at the stuff in a long time and was purified in many ways before pursuing Jackie.

But the battle isn’t over.

I have to recognize my humanness and be vigilant. There’s a spiritual battlefield happening around me (and a selfishness in my own heart still) with an enemy wanting to tear me down, especially in this time of engagement and preparation for marriage. I’m thankful that the Lord rooted this out of me; I would never want to bring this evil into my marriage. But I also understand the struggle and the humility I’ve learned in passing through what will likely be the major battle of our generation, and the battle our sons and daughters will all have to face. There’s a wealth of articles and information online regarding the evils of pornography and how to overcome its snares, but I want to offer three tips that have worked for me.

1). Get over yourself.

The temptation to view pornography usually finds us in moments of inactivity, boredom, or indulgence, and it breeds a cycle of self-centeredness and self-pity that just leads to further porn viewing. Breaking the cycle usually means getting over yourself and going outside of yourself. Serve the poor. Be generous towards your family or your co-workers. It’s not enough to say “no” to pornography—we have to channel that energy towards something positive, and eventually, when moments of temptation stir up again, we can recognize the destructive force that pornography is and can make a more life-giving choice.

2). Accountability.

“As iron sharpens iron, so man sharpens his fellow man” (Proverbs 27:17) and we men cannot be lone rangers on this Christian journey and expect to rise to each challenge. We need community. We need brotherhood.

The seminary really hammered this point home to me, and to this day one of my seminarian brothers monitors my online activity through an accountability website (www.covenanteyes.com). Basically, he gets a report every week of what I look at, and it’s enough to keep me on the straight and narrow (and he calls me out, even when I’ve happened upon belly-baring pictures of Shakira). Even just having a guy you trust to whom you can say, “Hey man, it’s been a rough week,” and knowing he won’t judge but will support you, makes all the difference. We guys know that looking at porn is shameful, but by bringing it into the light we cancel so much of its power over us. And if we need some stronger remedy, we have to be humble enough to seek professional help.

3). Prayer.

St. John of the Cross asserted that the desires of our fallen nature are so strong that we need a love that’s stronger still to conquer them—the love of the Bridegroom, the love of Jesus Christ. We’re called to real love, not quick fixes or counterfeits. Satan delights when we turn our gaze from God and try to quench that “ache” or “longing” without Him. Asking God for help is step #1. We can’t “muscle” through temptation with our own strength—not for long, anyway.

Pray for the healing of those involved in the porn industry, especially all the women addicted to drugs, alcohol, and whatever else may be numbing their senses or imprisoning their hearts. Nothing sobers you up like realizing that the woman in front of you is someone else’s daughter.

Doing a daily rosary really turned my prayer life around as well. If any woman could lay the smack down and rightly order our desires, and teach us how channel them into the life-giving force that it was made to be, it’s Mary. Meditating on her tender femininity is a great antidote for the poison that pornography pushes into our veins. Mary will lead you in purity and lead you to her Son, and kick your butt in the process.

I’ll also go to confession as often as I need it (which is often; my spiritual director once slyly commented as I approached, “Back so soon?”). No matter how long or how deep the snares of lust have entrapped us, Christ can and does make all things new. We just need the humility to know that, despite the mistakes we’ve made, He is still calling us to redemption.

We have been created for real love and for real greatness. We have been made for both sacrifice and responsibility.

Let’s stop cheating ourselves.

(Used with permission from http://www.jackiefrancois.com)

_____________________

photoBobby Angel hails from St. Petersburg, FL, and is now a campus minister and theology teacher at an all-boys Catholic high school in Anaheim, CA. In August 2013, he married Jackie Francois and the two have been sharing the Good News together through blogs, talks, and webcasts. They enjoy living by the beach, eating good food, swing dancing, game nights with friends, and being married. Their blog can be found at: www.jackieandbobby.com

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