Chastity

Promoting the Virtue of Chastity

Brian Holdsworth

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Gender and Judgment

This past month has seen some pretty incredible headlines. The coverage has been consumed with the story of Bruce Jenner announcing himself as Caitlyn Jenner. That story was accompanied by a resounding celebration of Jenner’s decision. The coverage was so overwhelmingly positive it was hard not to get swept up in all the cheer. Then something strange happened…

A woman named Rachel Dolezal told the world that she identifies as a black woman even though she was born to white parents. At this, the media turned very negative and critical. They condemned her attempts to portray herself as something which her DNA contradicts. In some cases, the exact same pundits who were encouraging Jenner’s transformation were condemning Dolezal’s a week later.

These two stories have much in common. In both cases, an individual has appealed to the idea that their identity is something other than their physical anatomy permits. They believed that their identity not only transcends the material circumstances of their bodies, but opposes them.

What stood out to me wasn’t so much the double standard with which the media responded to them, but the theme of identity which emerged out of the collective conversation that ensued. Apparently, identity is really important to us, but the way people spoke about it seems to suggest that we don’t have a very strong grasp of this concept. This is especially true when we confront the question of shared identity as members of the human race. It begs the question: what is our identity as individuals and how is that shared among us in a way that promotes community, understanding, compassion, and love?

It made me think of a resolution that I recently made. Whenever I’m driving and someone else is being careless and holding everyone up; I respond by getting annoyed, but then I become curious. When my opportunity to pass the delinquent driver is realized, I can’t help but take a look at them. On one such occasion, I paused to ask myself why I do that. The only reason I could come up with was that I was categorizing them. I was using that opportunity to confirm my suspicions about the stereotypes I maintain about groups of people. For example, if the driver was a certain gender or ethnicity, I would use that experience to fill in the blanks about that individual based on superficial categories. Frankly, I was ashamed and since then, I’ve resolved to resist the temptation to look at them when I’m able to pass.

That experience made me realize something that is really important to me now. No one trait about a person can tell us all we need to know about them. People are so much more than their ethnicity, gender, sexual attractions, job description, or any other characteristic you can use to describe them. It’s wrong to use any of those traits to try to categorize people as if we can know all we need to based on that category. That kind of thinking is, I believe, at the heart of all the worst prejudices and bigotry that our society struggles with.

If that’s true, why are we encouraged to embrace an idea of identity that affirms this same kind of categorical thinking? Why are we celebrating philosophies that say a person’s identity is best summarized by their sexual orientation or gender identity as if all we need to know about someone is their sexual desires or feelings? I think this dehumanizes people and reduces them to a perception of themselves that is so much less than they actually are.

The only identity I can think of that does not succumb to this trap is: A beloved child of God. If we understood everyone in those terms instead of the various other categories we use to size people up, I think the world would be much more compassionate and caring. If someone tries to encourage you to summarize your identity with anything less than that, I hope you’ll have the sense to resist that temptation and embrace an identity that endorses your full dignity as a child of God.

(To see what Pope Francis said on gender theory, click here)

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brianBrian is passionate about the Church’s ability to communicate effectively in the modern world. From his role as the Creative Director of Holds Worth Design, a Graphic Design and Web Design studio in Edmonton, Canada, he promotes the use of strategic communication and effective branding and packaging of timeless truths through modern means. Learn more about his work on Facebook and Twitter.

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Waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right

Most people go through a time of waiting before they find the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. For many, this can be a time of uncertainty and even loneliness. Other than maintaining great personal hygiene (because that’s always important), here’s what you can do to prepare for your future marriage:

The time we spend anticipating the arrival or Mr. or Mrs. Right is largely a question of vocation, so for those who aren’t familiar with that concept, let me take a second to describe it. Christianity teaches that our ultimate goal in life is to live in communion with God and others who also share in that happiness. This is one way of describing heaven. In order to receive and share that kind of love, we have to become more loving, and this is what our vocation does. Vocation is the means through which we embrace a role of self-giving love. If you’ve discerned that marriage is the vocation for you, you may find yourself waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right to come along. What then?

When we have a goal in mind, we focus our time and energy into preparing for that goal in the hopes that it will be realized. For example, we study a particular subject in order to land a job in that field. This can be years of intense preparation, but we don’t hesitate to do the work required if it’s a necessary component to achieving that goal.

For some reason, when it comes to marriage and the pursuit of our vocation, many of us are simply waiting for our wedding day when we should be preparing. The key to understanding your vocation is to know that it doesn’t start on the day you get married. You should be already living your life in a manner that prepares you for the day that you say, “I do.” So if you’re wondering how, here are some suggestions:

Anticipate the kind of person you want to marry.
Don’t mistake this for coming up with a list of characteristics and then refusing every suitor who doesn’t meet every criteria. You don’t want to marry a list, you want to marry a person. Instead, decide what kinds of values and character you want your spouse to have and then make sure you possess that same character. It’s no good to expect your future spouse to measure up to high standards unless you’re living up to those standards as well. If you have a list, become the list!

Spend time nurturing your relationship with God.
We can all admit that we aren’t complete selfless, loving beings. We need help in this regard and the one who can help us is the God who is love. So, we need to grow in intimacy with him in the hopes that some of that good stuff will rub off. The way to do that is through prayer and reception of the sacraments. If you’re skipping out on those, you’re depriving yourself of the wellspring of love.

Practice chastity.
If you can’t learn to be faithful to your future spouse now, what makes you so sure you’ll be able to later? Demonstrating your ability to love exclusively while you’re single will attest to your ability to do it in the long-run and, likely, you’ll find that reassuring if your future spouse can demonstrate the same thing. Live as if you are already reserved, because you are.

Don’t spend this time of waiting passively. Begin living your vocation now and show God that you’re ready for him to set you up with the person that he has been preparing for you.

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brianBrian is passionate about the Church’s ability to communicate effectively in the modern world. From his role as the Creative Director of Holds Worth Design, a Graphic Design and Web Design studio in Edmonton, Canada, he promotes the use of strategic communication and effective branding and packaging of timeless truths through modern means. Learn more about his work on Facebook and Twitter.

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Why Porn Can’t Replace Intimacy

Today I was reading an article on a tech blog that was applauding a porn company for its innovative use of technology. In it, the company owners bragged about how close their porn is to the real thing.

If resemblance to the real thing is the main selling point of a product, why wouldn’t a consumer look at it and say, “If the real thing exists, why don’t I just choose that instead?” For example, if you offered me a sugary orange drink and bragged about how much it tasted like real orange juice, why wouldn’t I just choose real orange juice instead? The answer, in the case of sex, is that people can’t just go out and acquire authentic intimacy when it suits them. That’s an important distinction.

But what is it about pornography that keep us coming back after walking away unsatisfied? Why does the culture persist in its sad attempts to make it more like the real thing? It’s because we’re not looking for mere sexual satisfaction; we’re longing for intimacy. When pleasure is divorced from intimacy, we’re left aching for something that was missing from the experience that we inherently craved and knew should have been a part of it.

Every substitute we pursue that gets closer to resembling the real thing will only leave us more and more unsatisfied as the experience of the fantasy ends and we return to the life that we were trying to escape from in the first place. That seems like a dangerous thing to me. The more we seek the fantasy, the more we will neglect and perhaps even come to resent reality. The absence of what we are missing, in this case, intimacy, will only be that much harder to endure as we pursue a thing that offers itself as an alternative. No matter how much technology attempts to replicate the experience, it never will be the real thing. Choosing the substitute will not only conceal our deepest desires, but it will make their attainment even further out of reach.

As a married person, let me just say that the real thing is amazing but it comes at a cost. The cost is learning to love someone in an authentic and committed relationship. That is the price of true intimacy and it includes days in which you have to learn to sacrifice. However, that sacrifice becomes a meaningful lesson in maturity, health, and holiness.

At the end of the day, would you rather have personal growth, health, pleasure, and intimacy, or a poor substitute that provides passing pleasure but ultimately leaves you longing for all the things you traded it for? Both choices require a sacrifice: Either your money (and your dignity as well), or your ego and the desire to always have things your way. I’d rather keep my money and if I can discard my selfish tendencies; that’s a bonus.

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brianBrian is passionate about the Church’s ability to communicate effectively in the modern world. From his role as the Creative Director of Holds Worth Design, a Graphic Design and Web Design studio in Edmonton, Canada, he promotes the use of strategic communication and effective branding and packaging of timeless truths through modern means. Learn more about his work on Facebook and Twitter.

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Revealing Intimacy

I once saw a protest in which a group of women were expressing their need to free themselves of the oppressive nature of clothing. I may have gotten that premise wrong and, in fact, I don’t really know what they were protesting, but something that one of the young ladies said really stood out to me. When one of them was asked why they were doing their protest topless, one of them responded, “It’s just body parts. It’s nothing to get worked up about.”

Hearing someone say that about her own body was astonishing to me because I had heard something like it used before but not to promote a kind of sexual “liberation.” I had seen similar “explanations” used in genocidal propaganda in a history museum in Austria from the lead up to the holocaust. That exact kind of thinking can be used to strip a human being of their dignity and inherent rights by reducing them to a collection of parts. If all we are is merely the sum of our parts, then why should we be treated any differently than any other collection of parts . . . like a computer, or a car, or a sofa bed?

In reality, what she was describing wasn’t “just” a body—it was herself. She is a body and that body is a precious gift to the world; filled with purpose, meaning, potential, and the capacity for impact upon others. That’s the first thing that stands out about that kind of thinking. It’s a very narrow and simplistic view of the human person and if applied universally, it begins to reveal some terrible implications.

But it does raise an important question: If our bodies are so precious and wonderful, as Christianity affirms, why do we cover them up? Why don’t we share them with the whole world, all the time? To me, this is a question of intimacy and not just physical intimacy.

I’m talking about the kinds of profound relationships we have with only a select few people in our lives, whether they be family members, close friends, or significant others. One of the things that makes these relationships so special is that we only share certain things within them because of the unique level of closeness they offer. We can tell them about our fears, our dreams, or our secrets and be confident that they will honour the trust we’ve placed in them. But, if we went around sharing those aspects of ourselves with everyone we knew and even strangers, we would be diminishing our very special relationships because it could no longer be said that they were uniquely intimate. If you have nothing uniquely personal to share with those special relationships, because you shared those parts of yourself with everyone else, then what about those relationships can be said to be special or intimate?

You could draw some principles here from the law of supply and demand. If there’s an abundance of supply, often the value of a commodity drops. For example, gold is valuable because it’s rare, but if someone discovered a way to synthesize it and started mass producing it, its value would drop significantly. I think this can be applied to intimacy.

When we seek out physical intimacy, we should show an appreciation for the nature of intimacy as a rare commodity that should only be given in truly committed and authentically intimate relationships. If we’re giving that intimacy away through trivial physical encounters or by wearing revealing clothing, then we’re not gaining more intimacy. Rather, we’re losing the ability to have a unique and exclusively intimate relationship with someone.

Aspects of your body and your personal life are precious for the very same reason that intimate relationships are precious. If you try to have too many forms of intimacy you risk reducing its value as well as your capacity to have future intimate relationships. The more selective you are with your ability to offer intimacy, the more intimacy you will experience.
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brianBrian is passionate about the Church’s ability to communicate effectively in the modern world. From his role as the Creative Director of Holds Worth Design, a Graphic Design and Web Design studio in Edmonton, Canada, he promotes the use of strategic communication and effective branding and packaging of timeless truths through modern means. Learn more about his work on Facebook and Twitter.

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