Chastity

Promoting the Virtue of Chastity

Amanda Zurface

By

The Beauty of Woman

Here it goes. Get out your phone. Open Google. Now, fill your search history with searches of beautiful women.

Wait, what?!

I don’t mean what you probably think I mean. I want you to search for women like Theresa of Calcutta, Gianna Molla, Thérèse of Lisieux, and Jane Frances de Chantal.

Why? Because I want you to take a few moments to reflect on the greatness and beauty of woman. Ponder what true femininity can look like when women feel loved, supported, respected as human beings. Consider the feminine genius fully alive in women living out the life God has called them to, pouring forth great fruit into the society and world!

Have you heard the proverb: “Behind every great man is a great woman?” Well, this is true for women as well. “Behind every great woman is a great man.”  If you dig deep enough into the lives of the women I mentioned above, you will learn about Theresa of Calcutta’s spiritual director, Father Van Exem, Gianna Molla’s husband, Pietro, Thérèse’s father, Louis, and Jane Frances de Chantal’s holy friendship with Francis de Sales.

Recently country singer Keith Urban released a song about the beauty and gift of femininity. The song surprised me. It’s not what one would expect from a celebrity, especially in light of what’s been coming out of Hollywood as of late. Urban praises woman when he sings, “… [s]he’s the heart of life, she’s the dreamer’s dream, she’s the hands of time[and] she’s the queen of kings…” He says, woman is “[s]ister, shoulder, daughter, lover, healer, broken halo, mother nature, fire, suit of armor, soul survivor, holy water…” (Female, 2017).

Why would Urban choose to proclaim the real beauty of woman and not produce yet another country song about how a good-old-boy can get drunk and lucky on a Friday night? In a recent interview, he explained it was his response to the allegations against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. Urban said he was in a room with the writer of the song, Ross Copperman, and they were processing the news about the accusations and asked the question, “What can we do about this?” They knew the one thing they can do is write songs, so that’s what they did. Urban said he wanted to reflect the changing way women are represented in today’s culture.

As others consider what they can do to hold up the dignity of woman, I think it’s only appropriate for all of us to ask ourselves the question: What can I do to honor woman?

Saint John Paul II once said, “God has assigned as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman.”  As you think about what you can do different, I especially invite you, my brothers, to consider the following as places to start as you seek to live up to this great duty.

  1. Stop Binging on Porn–  Pornography is degrading and is deeply disrespectful to the dignity of both the men and women depicted on the screen. It is also disrespectful to the great dignity you possess. The women and men on the screen deserve more. You deserve more! A great tool to help you stop viewing pornography is Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability and Filtering Software.
  2. End the Sexting– If God has assigned you with the duty of upholding the dignity of woman, do you think asking a beautiful woman for an immodest picture of herself is living up to that duty? Even if she asks you if you want the picture, do you think you’re protecting her by saying yes? Learn more about the impact of sexting on women by watching Why Not To Send That Sext.  
  3. Take Chastity Seriously– What’s the best way to protect the women in your life and yourself? Live chastely. Everyday. A day at a time. Chastity is for everyone–single, married, or celibate. You have a mission to be disciplined in your thoughts and actions with yourself and others. Every single person knows the struggle and difficulty of chastity. Many even resent it. Find out why chastity is important by reading Resenting Chastity.

Women have a great beauty that society hasn’t even began to unwrap. This beauty won’t be discovered until men and women learn to truly love. It may sound cliché, but we really need men to lead in this great vocation to love.

_____________________ 

Amanda Zurface is the Catholic Campaign Coordinator for Covenant Eyes. Amanda holds a License and MA in Canon Law and a BA in Catholic Theology and Social Justice. Amanda has served in various roles within the Catholic Church both in the United States and internationally. She is the co-author of Equipped: Smart Catholic Parenting in a Sexualized Culture and Transformed by Beauty. She resides in Zanesville, Ohio, where she also serves as the Director of Faith Formation at Saint Thomas Aquinas Catholic Church.

By

Quitting Porn Doesn’t Have to Be Drudgery

Ending your daily binge on porn involves some major life changes, but quitting doesn’t have to be the drudgery you think it will be. Believe it or not, quitting will actually make you a better you!

Statistics show us that porn can mold us to be, well, a-not-so-nice-guy or gal. Shockingly, only half of daily porn users say porn featuring teens is wrong, even though it’s legally child pornography.[1] And regrettably, men with higher past exposure to violent pornography are six times more likely to report having raped someone compared to those who reported low exposure.[2] It’s rare that anyone in their right mind begins anything with the intention of hurting another person. But we hope you’ll seriously consider this grave consequence as you think about giving up porn.

When you quit porn and begin seeking to live a life of chastity, every passing day you’ll become more you again, or maybe even you for the first time! You will begin to have more and more interesting topics to talk about. You’ll grow to be more motivated. Without the burden of always feeling like you’re hiding something, you’ll gradually become more focused on others.

So, how do you do quit porn and grow in chastity? You might want to start by considering how to replace the time you spend consuming pornography. The Barna study, The Porn Phenomenon: The Impact of Pornography in the Digital Age found that, “among teens ages 13 to 17 (46%) and young adults ages 18 to 24 (42%), “boredom” is the second most common reason for seeking porn, behind “personal arousal,” which is the top reason among every age group.[3] Having ideas to fight boredom ahead of time keeps us from auto-piloting to our screens. Here’s a great place to start. Begin filling your time by:

  1. Attending Mass, Praying, and Studying Daily – God designed us for worship. Our calling is to know, love, and serve him. The best way to do this is by honoring God’s Sabbath, praying to him, and studying his Divine Word. There’s no better way to know, love, and serve God than to talk to him and worship at his altar. You may even wish to pray to God with the help of the Novena for Purity.
  2. Going on Adventures – Get out and experience something beyond yourself and your daily routine. Going on a weekly adventure will remind you that there is much more to life than instant gratification found in a click of a computer mouse. The world is an exciting and beautiful design to behold. Don’t let porn keep you from new tastes, sounds, sights, and so much more!
  3. Surrounding Yourself with Friends – Many people say they fall back into viewing pornography because they feel lonely or not supported. God made us to be in relationship with others. So, friendship and relationships are an important aspect of our lives, and a lot of times determine whether or not we’re able to kick porn and grow in chastity. If we don’t have others around us on a regular basis, how will we know we are loved and appreciated? Who will keep us accountable for our actions? We need friends to love, guide, and help us grow. This is why we at Covenant Eyes believe in the power of accountability. When someone else knows how you’re using the internet, it helps change your behavior. Our Internet Accountability monitors your online activity and reports it to a trusted friend you designate to provide you opportunity for ongoing conversations about using the internet with integrity.

There are many other ways to fill your time with virtuous and productive activity. Consider reading Covenant Eyes ebook Hobbies and Habits to learn how healthy hobbies and habits can help your break free from porn and grow in chastity. Get out there and become you! Again, quitting porn doesn’t need to be a drudgery. In fact, your life will become more exciting and fulfilling without it.

[1] Barna Group, The Porn Phenomenon: The Impact of Pornography In the Digital Age (Josh McDowell Ministry, 2016), 92.
[2] Ibid, 99.
[3] Ibid, 104.

_____________________ 

Amanda Zurface is the Catholic Campaign Coordinator for Covenant Eyes. Amanda holds a License and MA in Canon Law and a BA in Catholic Theology and Social Justice. Amanda has served in various roles within the Catholic Church both in the United States and internationally. She is the co-author of Equipped: Smart Catholic Parenting in a Sexualized Culture and Transformed by Beauty. She resides in Zanesville, Ohio, where she also serves as the Director of Faith Formation at Saint Thomas Aquinas Catholic Church.

 

By

How to Strengthen Relationships Against Porn

As women we have a go-to guy, don’t we? And, girl, you can’t say you don’t love him! Sometimes there are no words to explain just how much we are in awe of these men.

Yet, as much as we love these men, there may be moments we question their love, wonder whether they’d rather be spending time with someone else, or doubt the sincerity of their compliments. We may feel not smart enough, not pretty enough, or think our personality is sub-par.

I want to share a few different ways we can work through these day-to-day insecurities, call both our men and ourselves to deeper holiness, and avoid beating them (and ourselves) up.

1. Focus on love. When we focus on love, it transforms the way we see both others and ourselves.

And to live virtuously, the way love is envisioned, we must “will the good of the other,” and the good of ourselves too (CCC, 1766).

That means when we live out our sexuality according to its design, it impacts and inspires them for the good. We can respect and inspire our men by dressing modestly to honor our own bodies (temples of the Holy Spirit) and to honor them. Our sexuality is also lived well when in accord with our state in life, we live chastely. Additionally, love is lived through our speech. So, we need to strive to be pure and modest in our choice words. When we speak, we are speaking into another soul – another temple of the Holy Spirit.

2. Build yourself up. Be compassionate and gentle on yourself. Be intentional about getting involved in your community and put yourself around other women who are seeking the Lord. Coming out of ourselves and serving others actually builds us up. Treat yourself to some adventure every so often too (a hike, road trip, art or archery lessons, etc. I bet you have something in mind already!). Keep finding new things that bring you life and experience real beauty daily. Real beauty feeds us. Remember, we must be fed or we won’t have anything to give! Also, take time to relax. Grab a friend and go get a pedicure or head out on your own to get a massage every once in a while.

3. Affirm him. Men need to be affirmed just as women need to be. Your go-to guy needs to be told often that he is loved, respected, and supported by you and others. Don’t let two or three days go by where you don’t affirm him about something. It doesn’t have to be a big thing either.

Affirmations are always more fruitful than nagging and complaints. In some sense, affirmations can be an act of evangelization. It’s pointing out a good and encouraging the person in that good.

4. Encourage a leader in him but be a leader yourself too. We know how important it is for men to lead. It even feels natural for us when they do. We feel safe, respected, and held up when our men lead. It’s important that you tell your go-to guy how much you appreciate it when he takes the initiative to lead. Expressing gratitude to our men shows them we value them and often inspires them to grow in their leadership.

At the same time, women have a role to lead as well. We can lead by example and seek to grow in humility, purity, prayerfulness, integrity, dependability, availability, and the whole list of virtues. Our leading also needs to include how we present our bodies, thoughts and spirituality. It isn’t only the man’s job to strive for chastity in the relationship. Leading in these ways will increase our joy, and joy inspires others to do the same, including the men in our lives.

5. Invite honesty but be ready to forgive. No matter the relationship, it thrives with a commitment to an openness to being known. Intimacy comes down to one word: “Honesty.” Written in human hearts is a desire to be honest about everything. But honesty can be scary.

Honesty can bring up topics we’ve buried for a long time, topics we’re ashamed of and afraid to address and work through. When we open up about our own struggles, not only do we begin to find freedom for ourselves, but we also encourage the other individual to be open and vulnerable.

Through my work with Covenant Eyes, I hear many stories about how invitations to honesty within a relationship brings to the surface a struggle with pornography. Discovering your husband or loved one uses porn may be one of the most emotionally devastating experiences of your life.

Regardless of what comes out of these honest conversations, choose to respond in love and forgive. It may be offered in tears and take all your might, but do it. Forgiving doesn’t mean you approve of what was done, but it frees you up by allowing God to be God in His role as father, judge, and healer.

6. Address any trust issues. Trust is a key component for any healthy relationship. Talk with your man about your struggle with trust. Work together to establish boundaries that rebuild your trust, but realize that broken trust won’t be restored in one day.

If you discovered your husband has been secretly viewing pornography for any portion of your marriage, it won’t be easy to process. You may wonder if you did something wrong, why you didn’t notice the signs, or whether you will ever be able to trust him again. These trust issues need to be addressed if you want the relationship to be restored.

You’ll need to take steps toward your own healing from this betrayal, and our free e-book Porn and Your Husband contains a helpful recovery plan to get you started. Your loved one also has work to do, and he will need to take his own steps toward freedom. Many couples have found that using an Internet Accountability and Filtering Software increases the openness between them online and helps rebuild trust.

7. Don’t react out of fear. You may experience things with the men in your life that may cause you to want to react–and to react explosively! Reacting with sadness or anger may be warranted, especially if what you discover breaks trust or hurts your relationship. But instead of letting fear fuel your reaction, ask the Holy Spirit to form you in a way that your daily posture and response is always one of love.

Sacred Scripture says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and he who fears is not perfected in love” (1 John 4:18). If there was ever a time to overcome fear and put love at the forefront of your life, including the ways you choose to respond, the time is now. The Lord says: “Be not afraid!”

To assist you with your pursuit of chastity and purity, we invite you to pray the Novena for Purity. During the Novena, you will have the opportunity to ask Jesus to give you strength to resist temptation, purify your relationships and form your conscience.

_______________________

Amanda Zurface is the Catholic Campaign Coordinator for Covenant Eyes. Amanda holds a License and MA in Canon Law and a BA in Catholic Theology and Social Justice. Amanda has served in various roles within the Catholic Church both in the United States and internationally. She is the co-author of Equipped: Smart Catholic Parenting in a Sexualized Culture and Transformed by Beauty. She resides in Zanesville, Ohio, where she also serves as the Director of Faith Formation at Saint Thomas Aquinas Catholic Church.

 

GET ANSWERS
listen to the podcast