Questions

If this rings a bell, then it is time to hand the matter over to God. Search him out more zealously than you search for Miss Right. Do you think that if you remain single for a while to focus on God, he might let the woman he has planned for you slip by? Usually when we concentrate on serving the Lord, we give him a freer hand with us precisely because we are not getting in the way anymore. I think that God waits on us sometimes and that our tinkering and impatience can keep his plans from unfolding in their fullness.

Think: “If I am called to marriage, then God wants my future wife to have the best possible husband. But I can’t become that man of God by moping around until God brings me Miss Right. If I will be a father one day, then I’ll need to give my kids the gift of faith. But how will I do that if God does not first give me the gift of faith? And how can he give me that gift unless he purifies my faith through trials?” This is the time when he can give you that gift. This is where God wants you right now.

Mother Teresa used to say of acceptance:

“Every day we have to say yes. To be where he wants you to be. Total surrender: If he puts you in the street—if everything is taken from you and suddenly you find yourself in the street—to accept to be put in the street at that moment. . . . To accept whatever he gives and to give whatever he takes with a big smile. This is the surrender to God. To accept to be cut to pieces, and yet every piece to belong only to him. This is the surrender. To accept the people that come, the work that you happen to do. Today maybe you have a good meal and tomorrow maybe you have nothing. There is no water in the pump? All right. To accept, and to give whatever he takes. He takes your good name, he takes your health, yes. That’s the surrender. And you are free then.”[1]

So right now embrace this season of singleness. Be there completely. Have you ever had a conversation with someone while your eyes were darting all over and your mind was somewhere else? A few years ago I had a meeting with Father Michael Scanlan, my university’s president. We spoke in his office for only twenty minutes, but I will never forget how present he was to me. He probably had a million other things to deal with, but he spoke to me as if I were the only person on earth. In the same way, we need to live entirely in the present moment, doing what we are doing, and being completely where we are. If God wanted us elsewhere right now, wouldn’t we be there?

It is easy to waste our youth making a future event or person the cause of our joy. There is nothing wrong with looking forward to marriage, but if anticipation and daydreaming consume us, we become our own worst tormentors, and we do little to build up the kingdom of God. We can become so preoccupied with regrets about the past and anxieties for the future that we never sit still to enjoy the peace Christ offers us today. We can easily become so concerned with finding Miss Right that we miss out on the joy of the single life.

Do not give in to feelings of despair, but draw near to God if this is a time of loneliness for you. Avoid self-pity. When you feel lonely, minister to those who are far lonelier than you. Ask yourself: How many homeless people do I know by name? More importantly, look for those who are hungry for love within your own home. By being sensitive to the needs of those under your own roof, you are training yourself to be a better husband.

To find the right one, become the right one. It seems that most single people are more concerned about finding an ideal partner than they are about becoming the ideal partner. Perhaps this explains why they are having such a difficult time in their search. Therefore, become the man that God is calling you to be, especially by becoming a man of prayer.

Do not wait for another person to complete you. Let God do that. Some guys think, “Since a wife is supposed to be your better half, I guess I’m only 50 percent complete until I find her. When I find her, she will fill my emptiness and take care of all of my emotional needs.” If this guy finds a girl, it will not be a budding relationship; it will be a hostage situation.

We must be satisfied with being loved by God alone before we can truly love another. If you are in high school, realize that few guys meet their future bride during those years. You have plenty of time; there is no need to get into an intense relationship now. Most people find their spouses in college (or later) and do not get married until after graduation.

The second step is to go where the good young women are—at church youth groups, not at keg parties. Most importantly, seek God’s kingdom first (Matt. 6:25–34). He is in charge, so be at peace because he knows well the plans he has in mind for you (Jer. 29:11–14).

If you meet a nice young lady, here’s an article on how to start things off on the right foot. Meanwhile, if you want to see the advice I offer girls to find good guys, click here.

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[1]. Canadian Broadcasting Corporation interview with Mother Teresa

Here are five practical points to consider when wondering if you should marry a specific person.

One: How is your friendship? It is easy to feel close to a person if you have been physically intimate, but how well can you honestly say you know this person? The more physically involved you have been, the more you will need to step back to evaluate the relationship. This is because physical intimacy clouds our judgment—which it should. One of the benefits of total physical intimacy for married couples is that it renders them less critical of each other. However, this clouding of your thinking belongs in marriage, not before.

Be honest in examining what truly unites the two of you. Is it a desire for pleasure or emotional gain? Is there an unhealthy dependency, where one or both of you has made an idol out of marriage, expecting that it will solve loneliness? How do the two of you deal with differences? Can you disagree lovingly, or are there some issues of manipulation, anger, or guilt that need to be sorted out first? Before marriage it is easy to maintain a good image, so make sure you have seen each other with your masks down, so to speak.

Lastly, is there a real romantic interest? Some people say that romantic feelings are not that important, but there is grave reason for concern if these feelings are not present. This is not to say that you must feel constantly madly in love with each other. Most people do not struggle with the absence of feelings, but with infatuation. Just have the honesty to look at where you stand with this.

Two: Are the two of you on the same page when it comes to the size of your family? Does one of you expect one child, while the other envisions two minivans brimming with kids? Does one of you want kids right away while the other wants to wait ten years before having any children? If you have different dreams, then now is the time to be honest about your differences. More importantly, do you think that your prospective spouse would be a good parent? Or does he or she have habits that are destructive to a marriage and family, such as drug use, excessive drinking, pornography, sarcasm, anger, self-centeredness, or infidelity?

Three: Are you financially ready for a family? The book of Proverbs advises, “Prepare your work outside, get everything ready for you in the field; and after that build your house” (Prov. 24:27). We should not jump into marriage before we are able to care for a family financially. You do not need to have college money set aside for your kids before you get married, but you should be stable enough with your career that you will be able to carry the great responsibilities that come with the blessings of parenthood.[1]

Four: How is your prospective spouse’s faith? Do you lead each other to God? Is your relationship centered on God? Do the two of you have different faiths? Does he or she have a faith at all? The Bible advises against marrying a nonbeliever (2 Cor. 6:14) because marriage is difficult enough without having differences on an issue that should be the foundation of your life together. If one goes to a Catholic and the other a non-Catholic church, then know that there will be trials as a result of this. The Church does allow mixed marriages, but advises against them because of the difficulties they present within marriage.

A husband and wife should be able to do more for God together than they can do apart. They should form a team, and to be effective they need to have the same goal in mind. So take this all to prayer, and trust that God will guide you. Some couples make the mistake of failing to ask for the Lord’s guidance, while others overspiritualize the matter and will not move forward unless they receive numerous signs from heaven. God wants you to have confidence. Trust in him. Use all the wisdom at your disposal, and then make a decision.

Five: What do your friends and families say? It is easy for a couple to become isolated and fail to consult the friends and families God has given them. They know your habits, your emotional health, your dreams, and plenty of things you probably wish nobody knew. But they love you nonetheless and can give some of the best guidance.

As I was finishing my master’s studies, I was seeing a young woman, and we were looking toward marriage. We met with her parents to discuss our hopes. The parents approved of our relationship but saw marriage as something still several years ahead of us. At the time I was frustrated that they could not see how much we loved each other, but their wisdom prevailed and the Lord took us down different paths. Her family had a great deal of wisdom, and they knew that if we were to be together we would have to be patient and prayerful, waiting for the proper time.

Finally, know that if marriage is anything, it is a carefully planned leap of faith. You will need to weigh all the above considerations and more, pray about them, and make a decision. You can only know a person so well before you marry. This is because coming to know another person is not so much a destination as it is a lifelong process. Within marriage you will see strengths and weaknesses more clearly than ever before. Because of this there are inevitably going to be disappointments, but you should anticipate them with hope.

When difficulties arise—and they will come—they will test and affirm your love. Marriage is not an endless whirling romance, and your marriage will suffer to the extent that you expect it to fit that fairy tale. When the infatuation fades, some imagine that they must not have married Mr. or Miss Right. This is partly why so many divorces happen within the first few years of marriage. It is a shame that couples are not prepared to let their relationship breathe. We often have little faith when the time comes to exhale. There is a love waiting to grow, but it is a quieter love than a couple know at the start of their relationship. It is unfortunate that so few have the patience to wait and work in sacrifice to see it blossom.

Successful marriages are not the result of finding the perfect person but of loving the imperfect person you have chosen to marry. Therefore, do not allow yourself to be discouraged when you discover faults and annoyances that you never recognized before. It is said that after marriage, the man gets upset because the woman changes, and the woman gets upset because the man will not change. But when faults do come to the surface, we should not be set on “fixing” our spouse. We marry a person, not a project. We marry a human being, not an idealized image. Only when we let go of the idealized image and begin to accept and love our spouse will the deepest and most fulfilling kind of love appear. As a friend of mine once said, “I married her because I loved her. Now I love her because I married her.”

When a couple understand these principles, they are mature enough to think about marriage. We are not eleven years old anymore, fluttering from one crush to another according to how fun the feelings are. When a relationship is based on an infatuation instead of a decision, it will last only as long as the infatuation does. We must be careful about what we base our relationships on, because finding the love that everyone longs for is a serious endeavor.

Pope John Paul II beautifully sums up all of these thoughts in his book Love and Responsibility:

“The essential reason for choosing a person must be personal, not merely sexual. Life will determine the value of a choice and the value and true magnitude of love. It is put to the test most severely when the sensual and emotional reactions themselves grow weaker, and sexual values as such lose their effect. Nothing then remains except the value of the person, and the inner truth about the love of those connected comes to light. If their love is a true gift of self, so that they belong to the other, it will not only survive but grow stronger, and sink deeper roots. Whereas if it was never more than a synchronization of sensual and emotional experiences it will lose its raison d’être [reason for existence] and the persons involved in it will suddenly find themselves in a vacuum. We must never forget that only when love between human beings is put to the test can its true value be seen.[2]

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ENGAGED? Check out Emily’s video course for brides-to-be!

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[1]. For financial advice before (and during) marriage, see Philip Lenahan, The Catholic Answers Guide to Family Finances and Seven Steps to Becoming Financially Free.
[2]. Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II), Love and Responsibility (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1993), 134.

I firmly believe that the strongest marriages are those in which both the man and the woman, prior to marriage, embraced the gift of singleness. Often we do not accept this gift because we are waiting for the gift of marriage or exhausting ourselves maintaining passing relationships. Saint Paul said, “I have learned, in whatever state I am, to be content” (Phil. 4:11). If a woman does not learn to be content now, then when she is married she may wish she were still single. After all, marriage does not change you internally; you are still the same person.

Besides, if a woman is happy and content in her present situation, she is more attractive. In fact, the ideal wife spoken of in the Bible “laughs at the time to come” (Prov. 31:25). She anticipates the future with joy, trusting in the goodness of God. Before we can be happily married, we need to learn to be happily single. That way, our happiness is not dependent upon outside events but upon an inner joy. In the words of Thérèse of Lisieux, “The happier they are to be as he wills, the more perfect they are.”[1] I once asked a Missionary of Charity if she was happy in the city where she had been assigned, thousands of miles from home. She replied, “Anywhere. Wherever Jesus wants me to be, that is where I’m happy.” In the same way, learn to find your joy by trusting in God. After marriage you might never again have the time to serve God without restrictions.

The best husband and father will be a guy who is single-hearted for God. So be two of a kind. If you want a man of God, become a godly woman. After all, men of virtue look for women of virtue. Imagine all of the characteristics that you look for in a spouse—that he be faithful, holy, respectful, loving, pure, and so on—and ask yourself, “Judging by the way I live, do I deserve a guy like this?” If not, then become the woman who does. Everyone makes mistakes, but everyone is capable of turning things around and choosing to live a virtuous life.

As you grow in virtue, you will have a tremendous impact on men. Many women become discouraged because of the kind of guys they meet at school. But the character of the men that a woman attracts largely rests in her hands. One woman said, “He will be as much of a gentleman as she requires.”[2] The fact is that the male desire to please females is a basic one, and a woman who sets high standards will be more likely to attract young men willing to meet them. If a young man wishes to enjoy a girl’s presence, he will not be afraid to be a gentleman. When a woman says that this is unrealistic, she will continue to be frustrated and settle for less. If only young women realized their power to help boys become men!

Set the standard high. Look for a guy who takes the initiative to set pure guidelines for the relationship. Imagine if all the young women in a high school or college decided to do this. Sure, many of them might not have dates the next weekend, but it would send a clear message to the boys that girls are serious about being loved. Guys would soon be inspired to become worthy of a woman.

In the meantime, pray for your future spouse and for discernment in your vocation. I once read about a fifteen-year-old girl who felt she should pray for her future husband one random December night. When she met him sometime later, she found out that he was in a battle as she prayed, and nearly all of his fellow soldiers were killed, while his life was spared.[3] God hears our prayers.

So be at peace, and know that God cares about the desires of your heart. He who shaped the universe has not overlooked the smallest details.

One day in Calcutta a man who had a sick daughter came to Mother Teresa. She did not have the specific medicine that the child needed, since it had to be brought in from outside India. As they were speaking, a man came with a basket of medicine, and right on top was the exact one the child needed. Mother said, “If it had been inside, I would not have seen it. If he had come before, I would not have seen it. But just at that time, out of the millions and millions of children in the world, God in his tenderness was concerned with this little child of the slums of Calcutta enough to send, just at that time, that amount of medicine to save that child.”[4] So know that your future is in good hands.

Meanwhile, if you want to see the advice I offer guys to find good girls, click here.

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[1]. St. Thérèse of Lisieux, The Story of a Soul (Rockford, Ill.: TAN Books and Publishers, Inc., 1997), 2.
[2]. Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Revell, 1984), 145.
[3]. Dannah Gresh, And the Bride Wore White (Chicago: Moody Press, 1999), 70.
[4]. Anthony Stern, M.D., ed., Everything Starts from Prayer (Ashland, Ore.: White Cloud Press, 1998), 130.

When you meet a person online, both of you can be whoever you want. You choose what information you disclose and what pictures you share. As a result, personal faults are easily hidden. So no matter how much time you spend chatting with the other person online or over the phone, the relationship is not grounded in reality. In fact, I once received an e-mail from a young man who said that he had been dating a girl for over a year, “but we’ve never seen each other in person.”

Because of Internet technology, people are learning to communicate more effectively through a computer than face-to-face. Instead of increasing their social skills, the Internet allows them to hide. For example, a seventh-grader recently asked me, “Is it wrong to use online dating services?” The guy was twelve! While I know happily married couples who met through online Catholic dating services, I have met more teens than I can count who have ended up in unhealthy relationships that began through chat room discussions or Internet social networking sites.

Aside from the obvious risks of meeting strangers online, such relationships have their own set of problems. For example, a couple who meet online may think their relationship looks promising because they spend four hours per night getting to “know” each other online. However, when the two finally meet in person, the relationship often becomes too physical too fast.

Other times one person discovers the hidden faults of the other, but feels too emotionally attached to get out of the relationship. Sometimes meeting a person online will create a long-distance relationship that never would have come into existence otherwise. More realistic local relationships are put on hold in favor of the budding romantic interest who lives eight hundred miles away.

Therefore I would not recommend starting a dating relationship with someone you randomly meet online.

In the meantime, if you ever want to know if a guy loves you, apply the love test. Here’s how it works: I know a young woman who applied this love test on a first (and last) date with a particular guy. After picking her up, he made certain suggestions as to his intentions for the evening, but she informed him that she practiced chastity. As they drove along, he responded, “That’s OK. We can do other stuff” (implying everything short of intercourse). She proceeded to give him a crash-course on the definition of chastity, and he responded, “So you mean that I’m not going to get anything?”

He sounded like an eight-year-old boy having a tantrum because his mother would not buy him a toy. His request combined with the childish reaction shows that he had no idea of the value of what he was requesting. He assumed that because he was planning to buy her dinner, this should more than suffice to gain him access to the priceless treasure of her body. This is the blindness that comes with an irreverent attitude toward sex.

When the guy saw that she was serious about her values, he turned the car around, drove her home, and dumped her off. She never saw him again. (Thank goodness.)

What this young woman did was not easy, but it was much easier than dating the guy for six months before realizing that he loved pleasure more than he loved her. Because she practiced the virtue of chastity, she saw through the manipulation that he would have used to get her into bed. She knew that if a guy pressured her to give him her body, then he did not love her. Because of a woman’s great dignity—she is made in the image and likeness of God—she deserves authentic love. She must never allow herself to be used or treated as a thing. Her body is priceless in the sight of God, and her heart is to be treasured.

Although this love test will weed out a lot of immature guys, only time will reveal a man’s intentions. One man said, “If I sensed there was a moral dilemma in her mind, I would play any role necessary to reach the point where sex became inevitable.”[1] There are many good guys out there, but there are also plenty of predators who will tell a girl whatever she wants to hear. Therefore a girl needs to proceed slowly, develop the skill of listening to her heart, and have the courage to follow it. Otherwise a young woman may be left feeling like this fifteen-year-old did: “I felt strange, and in a sense, used. It was like we were both caring for the same person—him. I felt left out of it.”[2]

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[1]. Josh McDowell, Why Wait? (Nashville, Tenn.: Nelson Book Publishers, 1987), 110.
[2]. Joyce L. Vedral, Boyfriends: Getting Them, Keeping Them, Living Without Them (New York: Ballantine Books, 1990).

Where do you start? Build the foundation of a graced friendship before jumping into romance. If and when a relationship starts, you will want to have a clear sense of direction in it, looking toward marriage. After all, this is the reason to date. As for now, there is a lot of wisdom in taking it easy. If it is love, then this time of anticipation will not hurt.

In a relationship that is new and exciting, people often stay up to the wee hours of the morning pouring out their life history and emotional secrets. They feel incredibly close because they know so much about each other’s past. Other couples dive headlong into a deep spiritual relationship as well. People in both situations, if they value chastity, also will be working to hold back on the physical side of things. But the intimacy of hearts has moved so fast that the physical side yearns to catch up. Picture a slingshot primed to launch. A similar tension results when you move too fast on emotional matters and then cannot, morally, match that emotional depth with a corresponding physical intimacy. So take it easy. I do not intend to put a damper on love but to help you pace yourself so that love reaches its fullest potential. Take your time and allow trust to develop and strengthen.

Also, take the initiative to make the relationship godly. At the same time do not attempt to be her spiritual guru or father in the faith. She is not to be under your tutelage as if she is your student, disciple, or child. It is easy for a good-hearted young man to want to assume these roles for a young woman, especially if she has not been involved in her faith for long. Progress toward God side by side.

Involve your families, and tap into their years of wisdom. One man with a great deal of insight on the topic of relationships is Dr. James Dobson, who offers this advice in his book Love Must Be Tough:

Don’t let the relationship move too fast in its intimacy. The phrase “too hot not to cool down” has validity. Take it one step at a time. . . . Don’t call too often on the phone or give the other person an opportunity to get tired of you. . . . Don’t be too quick to reveal your desire to get married—or that you think you have found Mr. Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your partner has not arrived at the same conclusion, you will throw him or her into panic. . . . Do not expect anyone to meet all of your emotional needs. Maintain interests and activities outside that romantic relationship, even after marriage. . . . In addition to the many moral, spiritual, and physical reasons for remaining virgins until marriage, there are numerous psychological and interpersonal advantages to the exercise of self-control and discipline. Though it’s an old-fashioned notion, perhaps, it is still true that men do not respect “easy” women and often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve. Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their minds. Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. It’s pronounced “NO!”[1]

Dobson also notes that the relationship must be able to breathe. Do not be afraid to give each other some space, because relationships thrive best when there is freedom, respect, and confidence. The less one exhibits these characteristics, the more likely he is to have difficulty in romantic endeavors.

Lastly, realize that too many people see marriage as a finish line. They often arrive there exhausted, only to discover that the real work has only begun. Making a lifelong love is a demanding task that yields its priceless fruits only to those who love with patience and fortitude.

In the meantime work to better yourself. Becoming a saint is the best gift you could ever give to your wife and children. Work vigorously against your defects, and do your best to improve as a man of God each day.

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[1]. James Dobson, Love Must Be Tough (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1996), 209–213.

When the car was invented, this courting could be divorced from spending time with family because the couple could leave the family behind. Soon, the whole point of spending time together shifted from discernment of marriage to wooing for the sake of wooing. Many people would begin a relationship simply because they found the other to be cute and fun.

This put a new spin on the focus of relationships, and short-term relationships became commonplace. With this mentality, a person who dates successfully breaks up with everyone in his life except for one person (and this is supposed to be good preparation for a successful marriage). Of course, the majority of relationships do not end in marriage, but some become so intimate and intense that the couple might as well be married. If a breakup occurs, then they experience a sort of emotional divorce. It is not uncommon that by the time a person is married, he feels like he has already been through five divorces.

You may ask, “Well, what is the alternative? Am I supposed to shelter myself, put walls around my heart, and forget having a social life?” Not at all. The alternative is to rethink the way we approach relationships. Whether we admit it or not, the world has molded our views of preparing for marriage. We need to seriously ask ourselves: “What is the godly approach to relationships?” What would God have us do? Perhaps his ways are a 180-degree change from everything you’ve experienced. Perhaps you are burned out from the dating scene anyway, and could use a breath of fresh air.

Either way, I suggest a return to the principles of courtship. When I first heard of the resurgence of Christian courtship, I was skeptical. I remember thinking: “Oh, courtship. So if I want to spend time with a girl, I have to arrange for our families to go to a pumpkin patch together, followed by an exciting evening of board games, and then go home by seven. Woo hoo–real practical for a guy just out of college, living in Southern California.” I had heard a great deal about courtship, but when I began reading books on the subject I ended up liking the idea more than I hoped I would. There was a great deal of wisdom that I had never tapped into.

Many books propose different forms of biblical dating, but the fact is that no one ever dated in the Bible. In some passages the parents arranged the marriage, and in other places we read of men going to foreign countries to capture their wives. The idea of traveling overseas and capturing a wife may be appealing to some, but the Bible does provide guidelines that are more practical. Just because the concept of dating was unknown to those before the twentieth century, that doesn’t mean that Scripture cannot help us understand the mind of God on the matter.

In Psalm 78:8 we read of a generation that had no firm purpose and their hearts were not fixed steadfastly on God. If that is a good description of our relationships, they need some reworking. We should be intent on finding out if it is the Lord’s will for us to be with a certain person, and until we are ready to move in the direction of marriage, what is the point of committing to another?

Some may retort that this is all too serious, but should we be giving our hearts away to people who are in no position to make a real commitment? I am not proposing that you build an impenetrable wall around your heart, but that you guard it with prudence. We can wrestle over the terms “courtship” and “dating,” but the essential thing is to glorify God and act wisely. The time spent prior to marriage must be a school of love where two young people learn the art of forgetting self for the good of the other.

While there is nothing wrong with becoming friends and spending time with members of the opposite sex, committed relationships should be entered into for the sake of discerning marriage. When we do enter into relationships, we should allow wisdom to chaperone romance. This involves having the humility to become accountable to others. Find a member of the same sex that you look up to, and go to him or her for guidance in your relationships. As Proverbs says, “Without counsel plans go wrong, but with many advisers they succeed” (Prov. 15:22).

There is also a great deal of wisdom in spending time together with the other person’s family. Not only does it honor the parents, it also helps you get to know the family that you may one day join. Finally–and this may be a real eye-opener: How this person treats his or her family will likely be how he or she treats you when the feelings taper off. For example, if you are a young woman dating a guy who is disrespectful toward his mother and sisters, but is a perfect gentleman around you, guess what you have to look forward to if you settle down with him.

If we spend every waking hour tucked away in private gazing into our sweetheart’s eyes, we will never find out who they are. The type of time a guy and girl spend together is essential if they wish to ground their relationship in reality. Spending time in service, with family, and even playing sports will help reveal who the person really is.

These are some of the principles of courtship: ask God’s blessing at the beginning of a relationship; enter it with direction, toward discerning marriage; involve the families; be accountable to others; pace yourselves as you spend time together; and always listen for the Lord’s guidance.

This is not bad at all. In fact, it has some great advantages. For example, let’s say you meet a girl whom you would love to marry, but marriage is still a decade away. What do you think would be more likely to last ten years: a high school relationship or a solid friendship? The friendship is more easily maintained, and

First, take your time before entering a relationship. Instead of worrying about trusting boyfriends in the future, begin to build innocent friendships with decent guys. This safe environment will help you to see that there are plenty of good guys out there.

Second, do not date someone if you cannot see yourself marrying him.

Third, do not marry someone unless he loves God more than he loves you.

Fourth, do not carry on a relationship with a guy who is unable to resist temptation. If he is unable to refuse temptation before marriage, how will he resist temptation within marriage? What woman wants to marry a guy who cannot say no to sex?

Finally, do not think that you always need to be in a relationship, especially if you are in high school. Take some time for just you and God. Having alone time with the Lord is part of the healing process. In addition, having God-centered relationships will help to mend the wounds of the past. To find the healing and love that you truly deserve, turn to God and follow his lead in your relationships.

I suppose the best way to know when you’ve found a good man is by jumping headlong into an intense, intimate relationship with a trustworthy guy—Jesus. The more you get to know him, the more you will be able to recognize guys that resemble him and guys that do not. Recognize that the ones who are most like him are most worthy of trust, but do not be quick to give your heart away. The Lord can heal anything, but the healing of wounds and the rebuilding of trust is a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself in this process. It’s perfectly natural that you would want to guard your heart right now. In time, you will see that some men deserve trust while others deserve none. My God grant you the wisdom and courage to know the difference.

Also, make sure to check out the videos at WomenMadeNew.com.

When we matured to the fourth grade, things got more sophisticated: a girl would ask her friend to pass a note to a boy, inviting him to check the appropriate box if he was interested in her. By sixth grade the tactics were more refined, and a girl might have her friend “accidentally” shove her into a cute boy as they walked out of class. This is all amusing, but by junior high the girls leave the notes behind as they start to realize what interests guys. This is when flirting can become a problem.

The basic definition of flirt is to tease or toy with another; to pay romantic attention to someone without serious intentions. To the degree that one is being impure or dishonest, flirting is wrong. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with letting another person know you are attracted to him. The problem comes when you lead him on for the sake of amusement or to boost your self esteem, usually while causing him to have impure thoughts or desires.

If you are attracted to another, be pure and honest in your dealings with him, and the Lord will bless your friendship. There is nothing wrong with being playful with the person and going out of your way to meet him. Just make sure integrity motivates your tactics. If you are an affectionate girl, be careful about how you express this. A guy might perceive your affection as a hint that you want him to do more with you. This is because affection usually does not come naturally for guys. It is out of the ordinary, and so the guy may associate it with something sexual.

The best approach is to make your intentions for purity clear, and make sure that your words, your actions, and your outfits convey the same message. Also consider this: Lots of guys will date a flirt, but who wants to marry one? If a girl is flirty toward me, what reason do I have to think that she is not flirting with other guys? A girl is much more attractive if she does not flutter around trying to get attention.

One reason a girl may be a flirt is because she wants to be loved. The attention might soothe a wounded self-esteem, but in the end it is like trying to survive on a diet of cotton candy: it tastes sweet but leaves her malnourished. Before a woman can love a man fully, she must realize that only God can completely satisfy her deepest desires for love. Until then she’ll be looking to guys to fulfill her, instead of looking to God to help her to love them. When a young woman sits still long enough to hear God and when she sees with her heart how he looks at her with love, she recognizes the lewd comments and looks from various guys as nothing more than counterfeit love.

As Mother Teresa often said, “Stay close to Jesus. He loves you.” By the side of Christ a woman finds her independence. When she stands beside Christ, and he reveals her worth to her, she no longer depends on the approval of random guys to build her self-worth.

There are a couple of things to consider here. If she was married and her spouse is still alive and their marriage has not been annulled, then for practical purposes she is not available for you to date. You must consider her a married woman, regardless of whether the state recognizes her as legally married or whether she no longer lives with her husband. When a person is married, he or she is married until death. Only if the Church determines that the presumed marriage was never valid can the person be considered available while the former partner still lives.

This is why Jesus said, ‘‘Whoever divorces his wife and mar- ries another, commits adultery against her’’ (Mark 10:11). This includes doing anything with a divorced person that you would not do with a married person. This is a difficult saying, but it came from the mouth of the Lord.

Many people make the mistake of thinking that they should pursue a relationship with someone because they feel such strong feelings of attraction. We are all attracted to what is beautiful, but that does not mean that we should pursue each beautiful person we see. For example, even in marriage there may be times when you experience feelings of attraction toward people other than your spouse. Needless to say, such attractions are not a sign that you should leave your husband or wife.

Being attracted to another person is wonderful, and I would not recommend that a couple get married if they are not attracted to each other. This is the natural way that God has made us. However, if a woman marries a man only because of an intense physical attraction, or a man refuses to get married because he cannot find a Christian Barbie doll, then there is a problem. We are not to expect flawless perfection in the other. If we do, then the flaw is not in the others but in us. We may need to readjust our priorities so that love does not pass us by. As one man said, ‘‘God help the man who will not marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.’’

The book of Proverbs says: ‘‘Like a golden ring in a swine’s snout is a beautiful woman with a rebellious disposition. . . . Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised’’ (Prov. 11:22, 31:30, NAB). These verses do not mean that physical attraction is bad but that other factors, such as the person’s personality and spirituality, are more important. When the beauty fades—and the external beauty will fade—then who are you left with? Ask yourself this question now instead of later. Look at a same-sex grandparent of the person you would like to marry. Now add all the internal qualities that your potential spouse has. Can you say that you would still want to spend your life with him or her? You should. An easier way to test your attraction is to pretend you are blind. Now ask yourself how attractive the other becomes.

If you need to pretend to be someone you are not in order to win another’s heart, then what will happen in the long run? The entire relationship will be built on deception. This is the opposite of love, which “rejoices with the truth” (1 Cor. 13:6, NAB). Love is patient, and it trusts that God knows what he is about. There is no need to take the situation into your own hands so that you can make things happen at your own pace. God’s pace is much better.

But calling him up and telling him openly how you feel may not be a good idea either. To begin with, there should be a season of friendship before any romantic relationship. Failing to cultivate this could be harmful in the long run, since these things need time to build. Imagine a girl building a dollhouse. She is in such a rush to play with the finished product that she glues the house together in thirty minutes and moves all the furniture in. She ignores the directions to wait a day for the glue to dry before even touching the house. Naturally it collapses. Similarly, you must establish a foundation and give the friendship time to develop.

If a relationship grows out of this, you will again be called to be patient. A lot of people become “more than friends” without spending much time being friends—which often ends up meaning they are really less than friends.

Without this foundation of friendship, revealing your feelings for him too soon could hinder mutual feelings from developing in his heart. If those feelings do take root in him, they will show in due time. But don’t take the advice of the teen girl magazines that urge you to initiate things and make up for his supposed shyness.

Resist the temptation to take matters into your own hands or to make excuses for why he hasn’t asked you out yet. There are two reasons for this. First, do you really want to date a guy who is scared to pursue you? Second, I can speak for all men when I say that we are drawn to women who have a sense of mystery about them. We need to wonder what you’re thinking. We need to feel that asking you out is a risk. When you pour out all your feelings, it may temporarily flatter a guy, but he’ll feel as if he’s missing out on the thrill of winning you. Teen girl magazines may think that such advice is sexist, but the fact remains that men love the thrill of the chase, and women are worth the pursuit.

In the book When God Writes Your Love Story, Leslie Ludy reported a conversation she overheard. Four men were speaking about what they looked for in a woman: ‘“A woman who has mystery—who guards her heart and isn’t easy to get.” A woman who has backbone. High standards.” A woman who is focused on God and isn’t easily distracted by men.” A woman who doesn’t throw herself at me, but allows me to win her heart over time.”’ Leslie asked the men what their opinion was of girls who were easy. They all said, ‘“A real turn off.” Totally unattractive.”’ Leslie asked one more question, ‘“How do you feel about a girl who is careful about guarding her emotions?” I have the utmost respect for a girl like that.” That’s the kind of girl I want to marry.” If I’m interested in a girl, it may be frustrating if she doesn’t fall for me right away, but deep down I am all the more intrigued by the challenge of winning her heart.”’[1]

If I were to meet a woman who was still a virgin (and there are plenty my age), I would not think that something was wrong with her. I would think that something was right with her. I would think, “Here is a woman who is willing to sacrifice for the sake of love. Here is a woman who knows the respect she deserves. Here is a woman who knows full well that her body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Here is a woman.”

Since virginity can be given only once, do not lose it. You lose keys and cell phones but your virginity is not meant to be lost, as if you had misplaced it somewhere. Give your virginity once and for all to the one true love of your life—your spouse—and to no other. This will be a tremendous blessing to your marriage. In fact, women who marry as virgins have a divorce rate 76 percent lower than those who don’t wait for marriage.[2]

There is nothing wrong with you if you cherish the treasure of your virginity. Do you want to explain to your future spouse that you gave away your virginity in order to prove that you were normal or popular? Imagine the joy of being able to tell your groom that the gift of your body belongs entirely to him and to no other. Now imagine if you were not able to tell him that. You have saved it this long because you know its value, and you simply need a reminder that you are on track. You are.

The world talks so often about having “sexual experience” and being able to “perform” that it is no wonder no one seems satisfied. All the talk leaves people afraid to be inexperienced. But why? The marital act has nothing to do with performing. I do not know of anyone who had a panel of judges with numbered cards sitting in their honeymoon suite. Do not worry about not having enough experience. You and your spouse will have your entire married life to learn how to love one another.

Purity before marriage is beautiful and helps unite the couple for life. I have received several e-mails from husbands who are having difficulty in marriage because their wives had been with other men before them. The gift of a pure body, a pure mind, and a pure heart is the greatest gift you could ever give your spouse.

Therefore, virginity does not scare me off. After all, the value of a gift increases immeasurably if it exists only for the one to whom it will be given. Anyone who thinks that having more sexual experience makes the gift of oneself better is like someone who thinks that if you chew your gum before you give it to someone, he will be more impressed by the gift. Prepare to give your future spouse the best gift you possibly can, and the Lord will bless you abundantly.

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[1]. Eric and Leslie Ludy, When God Writes Your Love Story (Sisters, Ore.: Loyal Publishing, 1999), 109.
[2]. Edward O. Laumann, et al., The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1994), 503.

That is “being in love.” This spontaneous emotional reaction is a lot of fun, but we should not confuse these feelings with love itself. Some people think that they can tell how long a relationship will last based upon how powerful the feelings of attraction are. They spend massive amounts of time trying to decide whether or not they are in love. What they are overlooking is the fact that love is a decision to do what is best for another person, even if one’s attractions or emotions are not as intense as they were at the dawn of the relationship.

But it is not enough to want to do what is good for the other. We must form our minds according to the truth that God has revealed so that we know what is good for the other, and we are not just doing whatever feels good. Once we know what is good for the other, all that remains is to follow through and live out that love in our actions.

Love does not “happen” to couples—it is something they do. It is a task. If the initial excitement of a relationship tapers off and we conclude from this that love is gone, we can be sure that love was never there to begin with. After all, if love is simply about having romantic feelings, how could a bride and groom promise each other that their marriage will last “until death do us part”? More likely it would last “until boredom do us part.” Therefore, you cannot determine the worth of a relationship by measuring the intensity of emotions.

Suppose you are married and your pregnant wife has food cravings. It is four in the morning, and she wants you to go to the grocery store to get her fudge brownie ice cream and pickle juice. You roll over and look at your bride, and she does not seem to be glowing the way she did on your wedding day. At four in the morning, your world is not looking beautiful and the singing birds have gone mute. But after kissing her fevered forehead, you walk out the door and drive to the store. Has love gone away? Actually, it is more real than ever.

So how do you know if you love a woman? Pope John Paul II has answered this question perfectly in saying that “the greater the feeling of responsibility for the [beloved] the more true love there is.”[1] The greatest example of this love is Christ. He alone perfectly reveals how to love a woman. If we ever need to know how to properly love a woman, all we need to do is look at a crucifix.

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[1]. Karol Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II), Love and Responsibility (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1993), 131.