Pete Burds

Ten months ago, this gorgeous Italian girl and I became nuptial newbies. We took the leap, tied the knot, and said the vows that Jesus says last a lifetime. The decision I made on August 2, 2014 has become the turning point commitment of my existence; a day that changed my life’s entire trajectory.

Before my beautiful bride came around, I like to think that I was an eligible bachelor. Reaching beyond the common stereotypes of American bachelorhood, my life was designed in such a way that I chose everything: my schedule, my dinner, my Saturdays, my travels, my social interactions, my coffee, and my dreams. Literally, everything I did was the fruit of my own wants, needs, and desires; and frankly, I loved it.

Once we started dating more seriously and engagement was on the horizon, many married men and women told me how different married life would be compared to the “carefree” bachelorhood I had been living (which wasn’t always so “carefree,” by the way). I would quickly say, “Well of course it is,” as I shrugged off their predictable marital preaching. Married folks love to offer advice. I do have to admit though: They were right. My life has been drastically different since getting married. These past months I have been coming to grips with the notion that my life has been interrupted by an “other.”

An honest look back has called me to question the choice to get married. Not because I don’t love my wife (I do!), but because of what I “gave up” by saying the life-long vows of sacramental marriage. To have my life interrupted was an absolutely crazy decision. Why would a 21st century twenty-something male decide to surrender his bachelorhood/freedom to make space for an “other” in his life, and therefore, freely decide to make his everything, their everything, everyday for the rest of the only life he has? Marriage is an absolutely outrageous establishment. And to many of my fellow millennials, not something we’re interested in . . .

However, a more honest look uncovers a profoundly stronger, deeper, and more intimate experience. The truth is that the blood running through my veins has been relentlessly searching for something or someone to give myself to for years. Even now, I feel it; I know it intensely, and though at times in my life I tried to suppress it, I can’t help but desire to completely give myself away to an “other.” I have been searching for this “other” for as long as I can remember. The desire appears risky, vulnerable, and mysterious, through for some reason I have always sensed that giving myself away would actually bring about the freedom for which my heart longs.

I could have continued to thrive in my life of bachelorhood. I was very happy, content, and in many ways, fulfilled. However, this risky longing I felt in my heart to give myself away was so obvious, so ingrained, and so profound that once I found Emily (my wife) I could do nothing but humbly attempt to give everything to this “other” in a full, complete, lasting, and permanent way.

There is much to learn and embrace in our everyday interactions and shared life. However, it’s as though my gift of self is what I was made for, designed for; and in the last ten months I can clearly see it is where I experience true freedom.

I believe our lives are meant to be given to something or someone greater. Namely, sacramental marriage, priesthood, religious life, or a generous single life. Our self-giving is where true meaning, purpose, and authentic joy takes shape. It is when we are selfish and turn inward that we lose sight of the true gift that our existence is meant to be. No matter your current calling or your current search for one, my experience tells me true joy, happiness, and love only comes from the conscious choice to give selflessly every day. It is there, in the everyday gift of self, where freedom lies.

“Man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.” (Gaudium et Spes, 24)

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Ever since his awakening to Catholicism through a youth ministry program, Pete Burds has used his five loaves and two fish for the sake of building the kingdom. Through storytelling, retreats, and leading worship, he has proclaimed the freedom found in Christ to thousands. He is a graduate of Franciscan University and is Director of College Campus Ministry for the Archdiocese of Milwaukee. He also serves as the director of Evangelization for Arise Missions, a parish mission-based evangelization effort. Pete is a wanna-be philosopher, has a mild obsession with the band Switchfoot, and because of Christ, finds himself living a life greater than he could have dreamed. He and his beautiful wife live in Milwaukee, WI.

You know the drill. You’re casually scrolling (mindlessly) through Facebook and then your eyes widen as you think – THEY’RE DATING!? I didn’t even know they were “talking!” You stop for a second and wonder. To “like” or not to “like”? It’s official. Facebook official.

Relationships are tough. No doubt about it! Two people attempting to navigate each others’ thoughts, feelings, intentions, and desires is just plain difficult for the average 21st century American. However, once it becomes “Facebook official,” the relationship has gotten off the “just talking” ground and has officially taken Facebook flight. It’s an exciting time! It usually appears in the spring air, where the cares, worries, and distractions of life seem to seize. This is a time when your significant other is PERFECT. Maybe your daydreams have led you to even think of the “M” word…(Marriage). Around this time, most couples have begun to express themselves physically: a handhold, a warm embrace, a kiss…or seven, and if you’re not careful – a whole lot more!

A Tough Conversation

I definitely understand the enjoyment of the new found physical affection. It’s a thrilling part of the whole relationship experience. However, there is a need to express how the physical aspect of your relationship should look. There are plenty of resources on ChastityProject.com about what is good, holy, and right, so browse through the website if you have questions. My intention is to simply urge you to take a breathe out of your “facebook official stage”, sit down, and chat about HOW you are going to purely express yourselves in your new relationship.

Week One

In my opinion, you should have this conversation about chastity within the first week of dating, if you haven’t already had it as friends. After all, why date someone if you don’t even know where they stand on the issue of chastity? What!? You read me right. It may not be the most natural conversation to have with your new found more-than-friend, but an honest conversation about how to be chaste is the sure fire way to put your relationship on the fast track towards healthy. It gives each of you an opportunity to learn about each other, respect one another, and get things off on the right foot. If you’re a guy, this is your role! Take the lead. Girls, look for a guy who would actually have this conversation. If you haven’t had this conversation and you’re dating, initiate it. If you can’t have it with them, you shouldn’t date/be dating them.

Here’s why I say the first week: You’re excited. They’re excited. They’re cute. You’re cuter. You are officially head over heels in LIKE with each other and most likely the significant change in your non-dating to dating status is the physical expression you now have with one another. The possibility of you going further than you want to go because of an emotional energy boost is almost nine times out of ten if you don’t set your boundaries within the first week (and…maybe even sooner!).

What should I say?

To start: this conversation is going to be awkward. Own the awkwardness and do it anyway. Express why you want to be pure and chaste, and speak from the heart. Express why you want them to be pure and chaste, and again, speak from the heart. Then talk about how to express yourselves appropriately at this point in your relationship. Again, if you have questions about what you should and shouldn’t be doing – browse ChastityProject.com for more information. Talking about chastity will let the other person know your “why chastity”, and then it gives you a chance to discuss, as a couple, the “how chastity”. This may be awkward, but it will begin your relationship with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Enjoy the “facebook official” stage, but lay a firm foundation of chastity that will lead you both into a healthy relationship – regardless of where the future leads. If they’re worth dating…they’re worth this conversation.

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Ever since his re-version to Catholicism through a high school youth ministry program, Pete has used his five loaves & two fish for the sake of building the Kingdom. Through storytelling, retreats, and writing he has proclaimed Christ’s freedom to thousands. He’s the Campus Minister at Saint Thomas More High School in Milwaukee and the Director of Evangelization for Arise Missions (arisemissions.org). Pete is a wanna-be philosopher, has a mild obsession with the band Switchfoot, and because of Christ, finds himself living a life greater than his dreams.

My butt hurt. I was sitting on the most uncomfortable bleacher that bleachers have to offer, listening to a guy I didn’t know talk to 1,200 high schoolers about…sex. For a nerdy high school sophomore, this was adolescent awkward at its best. The presenter spoke all about dating, marriage, “true love”, etc. which I tended to tune out at 2:00pm on a Tuesday afternoon. Of all the seemingly annoying explanations, one point did strike a chord with me – “my future spouse”.

I had never thought about my future spouse. That afternoon I began thinking, “What will she look like? How will I meet her? What will make her laugh? What will I like about her?” These were all strange thoughts for me at that moment in time. The presenter continued, telling us all that our future spouses were worth praying, waiting, searching, and sacrificing for. As a 16 year old who could care less what this guy had to say, that random Tuesday, I agreed.

Abstract Ideas

You may have heard the “future spouse” idea before, or maybe this is your first time hearing this. Regardless, it’s a good thing to think about. Saying “yes” to your future spouse now can make it easier to say “no” to temptations, trials, and tribulations as they arise. The concept, however, tends be fairly abstract. Just think for a moment…out there, somewhere, somehow, someway I am going to marry a specific someone that will bring me joy and happiness here and will ultimately guide me to heaven.

It’s worth it

A little over a month ago I asked this “future spouse” that I abstractly thought about my sophomore year of high school to marry me (woah). She actually said “yes” (double woah). All of the prayers, sacrifices, searching, and waiting that I committed to since that Tuesday in high school has become one of best decisions of my life. Especially now that this flesh and blood, holy knockout of a woman named Emily literally IS my future wife.

Maybe this is too simple, or too obvious, but I can at least write from my recent experience and say that my future wife was, and continues to be worth saying “yes” to. Saying “yes” to her 12 years ago has made saying “yes” to her now an incredible reality. For those of you on or even considering the lifelong journey of chastity; the blood, sweat, and tears are worth it, and I believe they will continue to be worth it for the rest of my life. Love is worth choosing in the great fights of our lives. It’s the fight that makes it great. It’s the fight that makes it heroic. Ladies and gents, be in it for the long haul. Your spouse is worth this fight, and this fight will transform your life.

Sincerely,

Emily’s Future Husband (Pete Burds)

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Ever since his re-version to Catholicism through a high school youth ministry program, Pete has used his five loaves & two fish for the sake of building the Kingdom. Through storytelling, retreats, and writing he has proclaimed ​Christ’s freedom to thousands. He’s the Campus Minister at Saint Thomas More High School in Milwaukee and the Director of Evangelization for Arise Missions (arisemissions.org). Pete is a ​wanna-be philosopher, has a mild obsession with the band Switchfoot, and because of Christ, finds himself living a life greater than his dreams.