Margaret

I have been somewhat disturbed and frustrated lately by the lack of respect for the dignity of women. There are constant messages from society that degrade women and minimize us to objects for use and pleasure. This goes beyond “men objectifying women” and has evolved into us as women objectifying ourselves. Sometimes I feel like if we truly understood our beauty, dignity and value as women there is no way we would settle for living in any way contrary to affirming that.

After hearing several teens mention it, I checked out a popular music video that has become a hit on YouTube. Now, I wasn’t expecting anything deep, or transcendent or spiritual just going off of the title alone, but I have to say I was unpleasantly surprised by just how bad the video was. After 5 seconds of watching it (because that’s all I could stand), I said out loud to myself “Really?!”

Is that what we as women have to do to get attention from men and feel like a woman?

As degrading as that video is, it irked me to see that it has more then 200 million views on Facebook…

I sometimes wonder what our world would be like if women lived authentically. Authentically, meaning true to what we were created for.  At our core, we as women are created by God for beauty, virtue and love. And, at our core these are our the deepest desires.

It is scary, at times, what we will do to feel beautiful, desirable and loved. Because of our own wounds and brokenness, we often misdirect our desire towards things that are not satisfying or lasting. Trust me, I have been there. I have based my value and happiness on material things, attention from guys, approval from people in my life all to feel loved and what I was left with was feeling empty, tired and desiring something real and lasting.

Once I really started to understand what it means to be a woman, I felt a sense of identity and purpose that I hadn’t felt before. After starting to embrace my value as a woman, I didn’t have the desire to dress immodestly or objectify myself because I wanted to live out what I knew to be true in my heart, that I am a daughter of God.

The amazing thing is that when we seek to live out authentic femininity, we receive what out heart’s truly desire: peace, joy, purpose, love. The even more amazing thing is that each and every one of us as women was born during such a time as this for a specific purpose. We have the ability to change society through simply being a woman and living out what that truly means.

Archbishop Fulton Sheen once said: “When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”

We have the power to inspire nobility, virtue, goodness and love in others through our own witness. So yes, we can misuse our femininity to turn heads and get millions of likes on Facebook, but we can also allow our femininity to inspire what is good and true.

So… where do we start?? Well… the answer is simple, but not easy. We learn to find our identity as a daughter of God. Each and every woman is called to be a daughter, sister, wife and mother. But, the foundation of every relationship is daughter. Once we really start to grasp how much God loves and adores us as His daughters, we are able to have meaningful relationships with other people. It is that love of God that shines through us to others (if you need a little reminder of how much God loves you, read Psalm 139). Finding our identity as daughters of God is a process that takes our entire lives. But it is from that true and real relationship that our true beauty and dignity as women flows from.

So, if you want to change the world….or do something meaningful…or influence the lives of others, be the woman that you were created to be!

Be who you were created to be and YOU will set the world on fire -St. Catherine of Siena

______________________________________________

Margaret works full-time for a parish as a Pastoral Associate of Theology of the Body and Evangelization. She graduated college with a degree in Social Work and Theology, and has been involved with youth and young adult ministry since she was a teen. She also loves cooking, running, reading, spending time with family and friends and dancing! Margaret speaks to various audiences and ages on Authentic Masculinity and Femininity, Theology of the Body, Finding Identity and Purpose and Chastity.

I want to first say that I have not read 50 Shades of Grey. But from all of the hype, media coverage and articles I have read about it, I think I get the gist…or as much gist as  I want to get…

(Not to mention that I would rather read the phone book then fill my brain with the lies and dysfunction being “sold” in the book as romance)

In the little I read about the plot and themes in the book, some BIG lies were jumping out at me. In an effort to unveil the lies we continue as a culture are buying  into, I decided to write this blog.

1. Love is Not Use

In the last ten years, there seems to be a quickly growing trend in our hyper sexualized culture for violent, aggressive, abusive sex to be portrayed as something desirable, attractive or “sexy.” In my opinion, this has everything to do with the pornography industry and how sex is portrayed in the industry as mutual use, domination and objectification (If you want to learn more about the harmful effects of pornography, check out Fight the New Drug.

From what I have gathered, the scenes portrayed in the book involve very violent, aggressive, abusive sexual acts. The bottom line of this is that it portrays sex as pleasure seeking use of the other at whatever means necessary, even if it causes the other person pain.

I am going to go out on a whim here and say that no person wants to be harmed by another. No little girl dreams of the day her husband will blindfold her, chain her to the bed and whip her. This is not a natural desire. However, it seems more and more that our culture is portraying this as the norm… that love is about use.

The truth is that real, true, authentic love is willing the good of the other. In real love, the only person it should cause pain to is the one giving the love because they are called to die….yep, you read that right, die to themselves.

The most loving act is Christ on the cross and HE is the one who was whipped, beaten and scorned for the sake of our sins. He bore the pain for His beloved (us!) for our sake and that was a free act that he chose.

2. Men Are Meant to Protect the Dignity of Women

The main character in the book is a twenty one year old virgin who is interested in Christian Grey. His goal as her “lover” (and I use that term lightly) is to manipulate her and take her purity. As an “inexperienced” young woman, he sees her purity as a challenge, as something to take from her. True real authentic masculinity is protecting the dignity of women at every cost. A real man sees a woman’s purity as a gift, a treasure to be cherished. Not a trophy to win or something to take from her. Our culture is hungering for men who are real and authentic and for woman who recognize their value and worth and won’t buy into the lies they are fed.

3. Relationships Should Not Be About Power and Control

“Boys have cooties”, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”, “Boys against Girls”, “Battle of the Sexes”…. for so long there has been this tension, this competition between men and women that is a direct result of sin…but…’in the beginning it was not so’… This desire for power, control, domination is not how things were intended.

Men and Women are different, but the differences between us are good, necessary and sacred (yes, sacred!). Because it is in our differences that union, love and life are possible. We compete and dominate out of fear. But, when we see our differences as something to be valued, there is not a desire for power and control, but rather to outdo each other in generosity. And that is so freeing and brings the two joy!

4. Manipulation is Not Romance

A shout out to the ladies on this one… we have probably all experienced some version of this: a guy shows interest in you by either giving you attention, buying you gifts, taking you out and getting to know you and, naturally, you feel special and desirable. There is one question that will help you know if it is romance or manipulation: is he doing these nice things to get something for himself? Or, not to get anything in return but simply because he knows you deserve it?

It is so easy to buy into the lie of manipulation because the deepest desires of our heart as women are being met (or at least we think they are); to feel beautiful and desirable and to receive love. But it is easy to overlook the selfish motives that might be driving the gestures and wooing.

There is quote that says “the purpose of chivalry is to remind men, women and society how special and important women are to the world.” Men opening doors, speaking respectfully about women, buying her dinner, etc is not because she cannot do it herself or so that the man can get something in return, but instead for the woman to know that she deserves to be adored, cared for and treated that way.

The guy in the book is wealthy and uses his wealth, power and prestige to catch the attention of the girl. And, as you can guess, he succeeds. But, if you look at the big picture and how he treats her, one would see that he is selfish, abusive, controlling and dominating….which is the exact opposite of love which is selfless, tender and freeing.

It truly breaks my heart that so many women are reading this book as if it provides any truth or authentic substance for us to take in.  But, my prayer is that more men and women will have the courage and strength to avoid the lies we are fed and live out their authentic call as men and women to love and support each other in that call.

Even though it seems our culture has bought into the “50 Shades Phenomenon,” we must always hold onto the hope that light can always push out darkness.

“Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” -Philippians 4:8

_______________________________________

Margaret works full-time for a parish as a Pastoral Associate of Theology of the Body and Evangelization. As a teen, she first encountered The Theology of the Body and quickly fell in love with St. Pope John Paul II and the beautiful teaching he gave as a gift to the Church. She is passionate about sharing this message with other people… the message of God’s love and plan for our lives! Margaret speaks to various audiences and ages on Authentic Masculinity and Femininity, Theology of the Body, Finding Identity and Purpose and Chastity. She is currently enrolled in the Theology of the Body certification program at the Theology of the Body Institute in Philadelphia. http://createdandredeemed.wordpress.com