Justine DiCarlo

July 15, 2019 By Justine DiCarlo

Dating is not confusing

There was a time when I would spend hours analyzing a single text message that perhaps contained five words. Other times, I would find myself scrolling through an entire text conversation trying to decipher if this guy was interested in me or not.

Why do we do this? We say that the dating world is so confusing, but I think we cause the confusion ourselves. I’ve had conversations with loved ones who expressed to me how complicating dating can be, but when they explained their specific situations, it really didn’t seem that complicated at all. Scary? Perhaps. Vulnerable? You bet. But complicating? Not so much. I think it’s easier for us to say a situation is hard to understand rather than accepting the true reality at hand.

When I think of the times dating seemed the most confusing to me, it was almost always when the man wasn’t measuring up. And when a man wasn’t measuring up, it usually meant I was lowering my standards. Here is what it looked like for me: I repeatedly wouldn’t hear from him. He would contact me when it was convenient for him, or he wouldn’t contact me at all. The effort just wasn’t there. Plans to take me out would fall through or plans wouldn’t be made at all. What was going on? The simple answer to all of this came in two parts: One was realizing that he’s not interested. Second, this meant that I should walk away. It’s that easy. I know, I know. It is such a bitter pill to swallow.

But instead of walking away, I would stick around. I would try to fix the problem or figure out how to change the situation rather than seeing it for what it was; a square peg and a round hole. You cannot force something that doesn’t fit. If a man isn’t making the effort, if he isn’t showing up when he says he will, he is not for you. Rejection hurts. But we are causing ourselves more heartache by sticking around in this limbo with someone who really doesn’t care for us at all. Because if this person actually cared about you, he wouldn’t be wasting your time. He’d be honest with you and allow you to move on with your life.

So what else is it that makes dating so confusing? What makes dating confusing is a lack of intention. People often date because it’s expected of them. I was certainly guilty of this. I was a twenty-something-gal who wasn’t married, and it seemed the only way to change this was to date. It is one thing to go out on a date and get to know someone; it is a whole other thing entirely when we continue to date someone we know we are not meant to marry. Dating allows us to get to know someone, to start courting and having that courtship hopefully lead to marriage. But, when we date without a purpose, when we date for our own selfish motives—be it loneliness, attention, or physicality—we create confusion. People get hurt.

Being physically intimate with someone causes an attachment that can cloud our judgment, and worse, lead to temptation and sin. Loneliness can keep us in a relationship for a lot longer than is good for us, and when we stay in these relationships, we’re misleading the other person. This is why we have to learn to walk away. Walking away from something or someone we know is not what God wants for us takes strength. Be the strong one. After three dates, you should be able to know if you are interested in him and if he is interested in you. And after three months, if you don’t see the person you’re dating as someone you can marry, you will probably never see them as someone you can marry. Believe me; I have been on this merry-go-round myself. Stop wasting your time.

One question that always puzzled me when dating was: how will I know this is the one? I would pray to God to make this clear for me. And you know what? He did. When the right one came along, there was clarity. It was obvious. But I truly believe it was because my relationship with God was my first and foremost priority at that specific time. I wish I could say this was always the case, but it took me so long to cooperate with God and allow Him into my relationships. To take my concerns, plans, and hopes to Him in prayer and honestly ask Him what He thought. There was no confusion. But isn’t that the truth when it comes to our God?

Before you choose to date, know your purpose for doing so. Ask the tough questions. Do we share the same values? Are there any red flags? Talk to God about the person in front of you. Allow Him to work in your life. I promise He will make dating simpler for you. There truly is no confusion when God is present. He has given us His peace and comfort at all times, and we need not be afraid of His goodness.

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Justine DiCarlo, a graduate from Indiana University, is a twenty-something Catholic gal who lived through the hook-up culture and made it to the other side. She has a passion for cleaning up the mess that is the world of dating by sharing her own heartbreaking experiences of her past single years. Her hope is for other women to avoid her same mistakes and to focus and center their lives on what God truly desires for His beloved daughters. She is the wife to a Catholic, God-loving, rock-n-roll guitarist who inspires her to participate in the path God has called each one of us on, and an expecting mother to their first child this August. She is currently living in Kokomo, Indiana. Go Hoosiers! You can check out her website at giveitatwirlgirl.com.

April 23, 2019 By Justine DiCarlo

Waiting: Is it worth it?

I’m saving myself for marriage—five words that have the potential to send a man running, or at least that’s what I thought. Prior to meeting my husband, I often lacked the confidence to say these words aloud. I questioned how serious a relationship needed to be in order to share this part of myself, and at the same time, wondered if he would even desire me because of it. The crazy part is that I’ve always believed that sex is meant for marriage, that it truly is special and worth waiting for. But at that time, I allowed the world and its lies to get inside my head. My advice? The sooner a person realizes how untrue these lies are, the easier the dating world will be. If a man cannot respect you and, more specifically, your morals, he isn’t worth your time. And yes, it really is that simple.

I remember waking up one particular morning in college, and the guy I was currently dating had spent the night. We went out to the bars and partied the night before. And while we didn’t have sex, we had done some physical things that I’m not proud of. I remember thinking: what in the world am I doing? I was partaking in what the world designated as the hook-upculture, and it wasn’t something I wanted to be a part of. The amount of temptation sleeping in the same bed led to was so unnecessary and honestly, quite avoidable. Lying in bed with someone you are attracted to can make for a very intimate setting, and it certainly won’t make protecting your purity any easier and neither will partying. It didn’t for me. I was essentially setting myself up for failure. And on top of that, I remember feeling such shame. My shame led me to tears, but at that time, I didn’t understand why. I wasn’t having sex, right? Everyone around me was doing the same, if not “worse”, so why did I feel so lousy about it?

When we’re physical with someone, we become attached. With the hook up culture,being physical comes first. There’s no courting. No true dating. I didn’t even truly know these men. We never discussed our faith, our morals, or anything of true significance. It was all superficial. And by participating in partying and the sleepovers, my actions weren’t lining up with my beliefs. I would get attached to these men because I had shared myself in ways that were meant completely for my husband.

Needless to say, that “relationship” I mentioned above didn’t work out. And this type of “relationship” didn’t happen just once for me. It happened multiple times. Over and over again. And each time I kept wondering why wasn’t this working? Why aren’t any of these men living up to the standards I desire?If we keep doing the same thing, we cannot expect something to change. I used to be late for work daily. I’d tell myself every morning I was going to be on time, but then thirty minutes into drinking my coffee, I would put off getting ready. This would lead to leaving my house later than planned, which would then result in my latearrival. Again. We have to make changes if we want things to change.

So, what was the shame I experienced throughout my college dating years? God wanted more for me. That guilt was His conviction, and through this conviction I learned He had a better plan for me. He knew this wasn’t what I desired. It wasn’t the type of relationship He had placed on my heart. I was a girl who wanted to be sought after, to be treated respectfully, a girl who wanted acceptance. God loves us just the way we are, but too much to leave us there … Can you believe that the Creator of the entire universe cared enough about me to point me in the right direction? And He can do the exact same for you. I thank God every day for picking me up off of the ground and saying no to the men I thought were worth dating.

I think it’s important to mention that because of these past mistakes, the heartache induced by them took years to heal. That life never, ever made me genuinely happy. It not only lowered my self-esteem, but my standards for dating as well. And the more I lowered my standards, the more I settled for men who God did not want for me. Yes, God can make good from all things, and He most certainly did for me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have regrets. I could have prevented so much heartache from happening. It took time for me to grasp that there were actually good men out there. I had to learn to say no to guys who didn’t share or respect my morals. There were certainly moments of loneliness and times of doubt. It wasn’t easy, but it was in these moments where I grew. I pressed on and held onto my faith. I knew God was calling me to marriage, and that He would get me there in time.

Here is what I’m certain of—if I’m a Christian girl, the man I’m dating should know this, which means there is no need to explain my virginity. If we are Christians, we follow what the Church teaches. We follow what His Word says. Sex is strictly bound for marriage between a husband and wife. We are to practice chastity. Do not allow yourself or anyone to put your purity at risk. I promise you, when we remain faithful to our God, even when the world makes us feel rejected and undesirable because of it (and trust me, they will), God will reward us. He will give us the very best, His best, and it will be better than we ever imagined.

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Justine DiCarlo, a graduate from Indiana University, is a twenty-something Catholic gal who lived through the hook-up culture and made it to the other side. She has a passion for cleaning up the mess that is the world of dating by sharing her own heartbreaking experiences of her past single years. Her hope is for other women to avoid her same mistakes and to focus and center their lives on what God truly desires for His beloved daughters. She is the wife to a Catholic, God loving, rock-n-roll guitarist who inspires her to participate in the path God has called each one of us on, and an expecting mother to their first child this August. She is currently living in Kokomo, Indiana. Go Hoosiers! You can check out her website at giveitatwirlgirl.com.

January 8, 2018 By Justine DiCarlo

To Lovingly Obey

Sometimes I think God teaches us to obey Him with the small stuff, so He can prepare us to obey Him with the big stuff. Obeying can be tough. As humans, we often get caught up on what we want out of life. What can God give me? Why can’t I have just this one thing? Our flesh makes it about us, but it’s not about us. We must continually remember that what God asks of us is always for our good. His plans are not always our plans, but they are always good, right, and just.

Years ago, one of my friends set me up on a blind date. One thing my loved ones knew about me is that I never enjoyed dating. It was hard for me to put myself out there, and I tended to analyze things quite a bit. I liked to have pretty much everything figured out prior to going through with it. Needless to say, I didn’t want to go. My blind date also lived about four hours away from me, so right off the bat, it wasn’t looking too good; however, I felt this pull that I should go, so I went. The date was with a group of my friends, so I ended up being more at ease and enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, the enjoyment came more from hanging out with my friends than the actual date. Long story short, once the weekend ended, my date reached out and mentioned getting together again. Although I absolutely dreaded doing so, I told him I appreciated the offer and was glad to have met him, but I wasn’t interested in going on another date with him. I am an avid believer in dating honorably. It’s what God always led me to do. Although it’s not fun rejecting someone, I knew it was much better to be honest than to ignore someone and leave them wondering.

The way of the Lord isn’t always easy. There are times when dating isn’t always fun. But I believe when we do it God’s way, He leads us right where we hope to be. Did I enjoy telling my date I wasn’t interested in dating him? Absolutely not, but what if doing so led him to his next step in meeting his future spouse? Let us remember that sometimes obeying God isn’t always about us, but can be for the sake and love of others.

Shortly after, I found myself questioning what was the point of that date. Why did God prompt me to go if it didn’t lead me to meeting my future husband? This made no sense to me. Why would He put me through that if it didn’t lead to what I wanted? Ah, the flesh. Fast forward to a few days later, I was out walking my dog, and my next door neighbor randomly asked if I had been home the weekend prior. I told him I had been away. He began to share with me that he was robbed that specific weekend. The trespasser entered his apartment and locked him and his dog in the bathroom. The man took all that he wanted, and left. Thankfully, my neighbor and his dog remained safe and were able to call the police after. I could not believe what I was hearing. What if I had been home then? What if I hadn’t followed God and gone on that blind date?

We must learn to lovingly obey God, regardless if His direction does not match up with ours. We must remind ourselves that even when an outcome isn’t exactly what we want, even when we can’t quite see the goodness we’re hoping for in that moment, He is working everything out for our good. Little did I know, a few months after that blind date, I would be meeting my future spouse. Each step we take in the right direction is leading us to God’s goodness. We may not understand today, tomorrow, or next year, but it will make sense in time. God is in control, and if we follow His will, He will lead us to our greatest desires.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

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Justine Kaiser is a graduate of Indiana University with a B.S. in Radiation Therapy. She is currently living in Fort Wayne, Indiana working as a radiation therapist at a local hospital. Justine is a devoted aunt who loves to travel, bake and keep up with her Yorkie pup, Leo. She believes that through sharing our life stories, we can encourage each other to be the person God created us to be. Go Hoosiers!

October 16, 2017 By Justine DiCarlo

Singleness: What’s the Point?

Every day we make choices. Some are as small as deciding what shoes to wear or what we will eat for breakfast. Others require more thought, more prayer. How do I choose to spend my time on this earth? Who will I choose to spend my life with? As of late and with the newness of becoming a bride to be, I’ve been reflecting on my past years, my single years. Times of right and wrong, flesh and spirit, yes and no.

One thing about life is that we live it forward while understanding it backwards. I was single for quite some time. I dated occasionally, but the college world wasn’t the best setting for dating. A lot of men I surrounded myself with, quite frankly were not looking to date at all. They wanted to “hang out”, but oh no, not date. Had I been more aware of this, I would have acknowledged the warning signs and said no to the bad more often. Are there men out there looking for a nice woman, wanting to take her out on dates and bring her closer to God? Absolutely. To find them, I believe you must learn to say no to the bad and wait for the good.

Dating is full of choices. I had a choice, and often, I chose wrong. I said yes to the wrong guys. So many times. It seems obvious not to give the guy who doesn’t call when he says he will the time of day, or to say no to the guy who drunkenly texts you late at night wanting to “hang out”. It seems obvious to choose the guy who tries, who speaks less of himself and cares to ask more about you, who wants to bring you closer to God. Why did I choose wrong, and why do so many others do the same?

I believe we think that good men no longer exist. We grow so impatient waiting for God to bring the right person into our lives that we settle for less. We settle because it’s easier to say, “I’m dating someone,” than to say, “I’m single.” It’s easier to give in to the pleasures of this world right now, than to wait for the goodness God has planned for us in the future. The world has placed such a stigma on the word single. If you’re single, you must be alone. If you’re single, there must be something wrong with you. Wrong. I believed this insane lie for a while and allowed it to consume me. I placed my worth, dignity, and hope in the hands of men as opposed to the God who loves me so dearly. When we stop doing this to ourselves, we make room to enjoy life a whole lot more.

During my single years, I had the chance to travel to some amazing places. Traveling has such a special place in my heart. It taught me beauty, patience, culture, and how to truly love. I was able to build wonderful friendships during this phase of life, and these friendships have become like family. If I could go back, I would have enjoyed this time much more. I would tell my younger self that everything is going to work itself out. Enjoy where you are at in this season of life God has you in. My single years shaped me into the woman I am today, and I know I will be a much better wife because of them.

You see, singleness is not a punishment. It allows room for growth, learning, and appreciation of who you are. Maybe God is preparing you for the sacrament of marriage during your wait. Perhaps you are ready, but your future spouse is not. God may be busy forming him or her into the person they need to be to make your future and life work for His kingdom. I don’t know His plans for your life, but I do know that He is good. He wants good things for you. Continue to trust God, and He will give you the desires of your heart.