As difficult as this may be, try to uncover the cause of your fear. For example, I know of a young woman who had been the victim of rape, and from that point forward in her life, she never said “no” to doing sexual things with guys. Her reasoning for this was because in her mind, she “knew what happens when a girl says no,” and she never again wanted to experience such a violation of her will. Therefore, by saying “yes” to every man’s lust, she thought she was robbing them of their power to control her. Unfortunately, in doing so, she had also surrendered her own power to love and be loved.
In other cases, a young woman might be afraid to say no because she fears a man’s rejection. She’s afraid to discover that some men don’t really want the woman. Rather, they want only the pleasure obtained at the woman’s expense. By always saying “yes” to the men’s desires, such a woman lives in denial of what she already knows in her heart: she isn’t being loved.
When it comes to saying “no,” keep in mind is that a girl who never learns to say “no” is a girl who will have the hardest time finding love. This is because of how much time she wastes trying to be who she thinks men want her to be. As a result, she settles for lust when she longs for love.
A girl I know came home crying after a date, and her mom asked her what went wrong. She said that as soon as she got into the guy’s car, he started to make sexual jokes, and she informed him that she practiced chastity. He replied, “That’s okay—there’s lots of other stuff we can do” (meaning everything short of intercourse). She gave him a quick tutorial on the definition of chastity, and how it meant that she respected her body, and that she would not be doing anything with him that she would not want her future spouse to be doing with some other girl. He looked at her and asked, “So, you mean I’m not going to get anything tonight?!” She confirmed his suspicion, and he turned the car around and dumped her off at home.
Was it embarrassing? Perhaps. But regret lasts much longer than embarrassment. Instead of giving him what he wanted as a way to keep him interested (while secretly wondering of he really loved her) she stuck to her morals, and tested his love—or the lack thereof. It turned out he was not man enough for her. Game over. This leaves the door open for real love in her life because she wasn’t clogging up her love life with guys who only loved pleasure.
Being desperate only harms a girl’s chances of finding love because it makes her more naïve. One young woman admitted to me, “My stupidity coupled with my effort to be nice to everybody makes it hard to stand up for what I believe in.” If you can relate, then it’s time to get a backbone. If you don’t have a backbone, then you will give more and more of yourself away, and yet you will feel that you have less and less to offer. Before long, many girls end up thinking that sex is the only way to gain a man’s interest. For some guys, this is certainly the case. But why would you care about winning such a man’s approval?
Sure, at times the standard of purity can bring about times of loneliness. But don’t feel too depressed about that. Even the most popular people in the world experience loneliness, and perhaps more than you would ever imagine.
Most importantly, if you want to be pure, avoid tempting situations. If you find yourself needing to say no to a man’s sexual advances, then you’re dating the wrong guy. A real man will guard your purity, not wear it down. Moreover, a real man will guard his own purity, without needing a religious girlfriend to beg him to behave!
Often, a girl will find herself asking her boyfriend time and time again to stop. Her real problem is not learning to say no to him, but looking in her heart to see why she is so desperate for the love of a guy who does not respect her.
Hold out for love, and imagine your future spouse out there going through the same struggles. He should have the strength to wait for you, and you should have the strength to wait for him. All we must do is pray, have courage, and act. How do you say no when things are going too far? Click HERE for some tips.