3 Things Every Guy Should Know About Porn
When a guy tells me he’s looking at porn, I don’t love him any less. In a way, I feel compassion toward him, because no guy who looks at porn loves himself, and I wish I could make up for that. I don’t think any less of him either, because I don’t know every circumstance so I can’t judge him. What I do feel is worried about him. I’ve known enough guys hooked on porn to know how it will affect him and damage his relationships. If you think pornography won’t destroy your chances with a girl listen to a girl’s side of the story.
The way you look at your girlfriend will turn her off.
There are two ways a man can look at a woman with interest. The first is pure desire. Her beauty leaves him breathless and she likes it! And she feels safe, because he is seeing all of her. She’s still there. Her beauty has attracted him to her as a person. When a man looks at a woman this way, the thought of marriage and arousing her husband with her beauty is incredibly exciting to her. She anticipates unveiling and giving her gift of self on their honeymoon with sheer delight.
The second way, of course, is lust. The best way I can describe it is that the girl feels like she’s not there. It’s not about him and her with the chemistry between them, it’s about him and sex, and she’s his latest pleasure provider. She feels completely left out. Instead of happy and excited, she’s disappointed and restless. The thought of undressing before him makes her nauseated. To do anything physical with him she feels like she would have to separate herself from her body and she hates that. Lust turns a girl off faster than anything else.
But pornography trains you to look at women with lust. When a guy watches porn eventually he starts looking at me that way and it kills any attraction I feel for him. Even if I really like him I just want him to go away. On the contrary, when I’m with men who don’t view porn I feel safe and free. They won’t look at me lustfully because they see all of me all the time. I don’t have to protect my beauty from their lust.
You want to attract your girlfriend. You want the ability to arouse your wife. You want your girl to feel safe and cherished by you. Pornography destroys all of that.
You won’t handle the word “no” like a man.
Pornography trains your brain to never accept the word “no” from a woman. Every day thousands of women are at your fingertips, apparently ready to throw their dignity and their souls in the trash to satisfy your every whim. So when a real flesh and blood girl tells you “no” about anything—physical or otherwise—you are highly affronted! She resisted you? Told you no? Disagreed with you? Contradicted you? Turned you down? How could she! Who does she think she is? You’ll get her to change her mind!
NOTHING makes a woman respect and admire a man more than his ability to accept the word “no” and sacrifice his will for the sake of another. That takes genuine strength and every woman wants a man strong enough to love her sacrificially. Manipulating, pouting, guilt-tripping, pity parties, and drama when you don’t get your way leaves her disgusted. She may make excuses for you, and she’ll find herself with her stomach in knots, apologizing profusely, and begging you to understand every time she dares cross your will—until she thinks “Why am I apologizing? He’s self-absorbed!”
There’s little chance for you once she feels this way.
Your negativity will pull your girlfriend down.
The Church has always taught that “sin darkens the intellect,” and modern scientific studies show how pornography sabotages your mental health and fosters depression. Chronic impatience and excessive negativity are unavoidable side effects of watching the most violent and degrading industry in the world. No girl can become emotionally involved with you without getting pulled into your depression. To you, your negative attitude about life, in particular about women, seems normal, but to her the constant stream of criticism and contempt is incredibly draining. She soon realizes she’s a much happier person without you than with you. She may hang around trying to cheer you up, but that quickly backfires.
If you view porn and she does not, her relationship with God will be better. She will have peace you do not. She will have joy you do not. She will have profound respect for herself and others that you do not. At first, this will attract you, but eventually, it will make you resentful. Because without intending to, she’s showing you up. She is more emotionally stable, has more self-control and a better self-image and image of God. And since those who view porn already despise themselves, your insecurity makes you twice as defensive. You grow angry that “she’s always ahead of you” and start putting her down.
The girl feels devastated. The very things you used to love about her now seem to make you hate her. She feels like she’ll either have to lose her peace and joy and self-respect or lose you. If she chooses the former neither of you will be happy.
So often I’ve watched a guy go to pieces or watched his relationships fall apart and wished so badly that I could show his younger, pre-porn self what it would do to him. Sadly I can’t, but maybe I can encourage you to avoid pornography like the plague. If you’re already viewing it, go to your parents or another mentor you trust. Go to priests and counselors. Pray, fast, and revolve your life around confession, Communion, and adoration. Break away from impure crowds. Get the internet off your phone and far away from you whenever you’re alone. Do whatever it takes. Your happiness and winning the love of a beautiful woman is worth it.
[For help breaking free from porn, check out FORGED!]
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Sarah Karlyn Larue is a 27-year-old author of eight books, who loves her Faith and loves writing and is happiest when putting them together. Her latest series, That They Might Have Love, is for all Catholic young women who want to seek God first in their love lives and find greater love and joy when they are single, dating, and married.
