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50 Shades of Grey: Confessions of a Former Porn Addict

My first crazy college night out on town consisted of a walk with some of my new friends to the local bookstore. Okay… So it might not be your idea of a crazy college night out, but if you are a fan of books- you know how adventurous this can get.

As we began strolling through the bookstore, one of the girls I was with jumped in excitement as she noticed a stack of books tucked on the shelves. All of a sudden, they were gushing over the details of this book called “Fifty Shades of Grey,” and my new friend happily reported that she wanted to go buy it.

“Oh” was all I could manage to get out.  I was silent as my friend bought the book. Silent most of the way back.

Silent… because inside I was warring with myself.  

Silent… because I was all too familiar with this type of book.

You see, just a couple months before this incident at the bookstore, I was completely caught up in addiction to pornography and masturbation. Unlike the common stereotype of porn addicts, I was a woman who struggled with pornography in a variety of forms—including books, and even music.

Almost daily, I sought out reading material similar to Fifty Shades of Grey.  It was a thrill for me. The “romance” found in these books totally gripped my heart—in the moment, I would put myself into the shoes of these characters.  I wanted to feel wanted, to feel beautiful, to feel desired, the way that these made-up characters such as Anastasiaappear to be.  

Why is it that pornographic—and even violent and abusive—books & movies can cause such an excitement?  

Having searched for the answer to this question in my own heart time and time again, I believe it’s because every human heart longs for love. Unfortunately, we are quick to settle for a counterfeit of this love. We want love—but we want it without the sacrifice. We want it without the wait. We want it without the commitment. We want to forget that in the real world, love isn’t easy.  

I spent 8 years of my life chained to pornography and masturbation. For 8 years, I took the counterfeit.  But it was like drinking salt water from the ocean—No matter how much I drank, I only felt more parched, and needed more and more to attempt to satiate the thirst for love within me.

Not only did this hurt me—but it took a toll on my life & my relationships. You see, lust is an ugly distortion of love, and eventually attempts to rob us of our ability to love altogether. It happens slowly, maybe without us realizing it, but soon enough I neglected to see the image of God in those around me. Instead, I looked at others selfishly, only wanting what they could do for me.

True Love, on the other hand, is completely selfless. True Love is never about using another person for your own pleasure—physically, emotionally, or otherwise. As opposed to lust which makes us want to selfishly TAKE from another, True Love frees us to GIVE of ourselves to our beloved, and to seek the good of our beloved above our own. And no—this love is not easy, but is it worth it? You bet.

This Love is something you won’t find in Fifty Shades of Grey.  If you’re considering watching this movie, or reading the book, please take this from someone who has been there, done that:

It’s not worth it.

You, however, are worth it.

You are worth sacrificing for… Something Mr. Grey is incapable of doing for you.

You are worth authentic love… There is nothing authentic or loving about violence.

You are worth having a Valentine’s Day to remember…

…So instead of wasting your time with 50 Shades of Nay, go to the theater and enjoy Old-Fashioned—a movie which actually portrays the authentic love you deserve.
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JulieMPhoto.jpgJulie is a student at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, TX who loves sunshine, roller coasters, & cookie dough. Works by St. Augustine, Pope St. John Paul II, and St. Teresa of Avila make her bookshelf overflow. She blogs at www.TheKingsBeloved.com and can be contacted at JulieMartinTKB@gmail.com.

 

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