How far is too far Links
If I could make an educated guess, I’d say that you’re looking for intimacy, not sex. There’s a huge difference, but women often realize that the hard way.
One gynecologist remarked:
“I’ve asked hundreds of teenage girls whether or not they liked having sex, and I can count on one hand those who said they did. Once they confront their smashed expectations, many teenagers feel that something is wrong–not with sex itself, but with themselves. So, they try harder to make sex ‘work,’ to make sex provide those things they think it should: intimacy, love, trust, acceptance, appreciation of their masculinity or femininity, relief from their loneliness. When it doesn’t work, millions of teenagers assume something is wrong with them, and turn their anger and hurt inward, resulting in depression. . . . We repeatedly return to certain behaviors such as sex, drugs, or drinking to get something that continually eludes us. When we feel empty, we return to a place in which we hope to find some relief or satisfaction of our desires or needs. Even when our behavior fails to satisfy those needs, we return again and again, trying harder to find what doesn’t exist.”[1]
You mentioned spontaneity, and I agree that it is fun to have that in a relationship. The problem is that most people think that they are being spontaneous by giving in to their hormones and emotional urges at the drop of a hat. This is often either lust or dependency, under the disguise of romance. But hooking up is very different than pure spontaneity.
Chastity doesn’t ruin the spontaneity of love. Rather, it purifies it from selfishness so that you can be free to love and be loved. It doesn’t eliminate your attractions, but orders them. Christopher West noted: “Authentic sexual attraction is always an attraction to the beauty of the other as a person, not merely as an object of selfish consumption. This is the enormous value of the virtue of chastity.”[i]
I think that the romantic spontaneity you have in mind is not what a hook up buddy is capable of giving you. Hooking up may feel romantic and exciting, but it comes at a price, which is the regret that emerges when you realize you settled for a counterfeit. You deserve better, and so do the men in your life. So keep your spontaneity—that’s a fun quality to have. But don’t compromise your purity.
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[1]. Meg Meeker, M.D., Epidemic: How Teen Sex Is Killing Our Kids (Washington, D.C.: Lifeline Press, 2002), 78.
[2]. Christopher West, Song of Heaven (West Chester, PA: Ascension Press), 47.
Image via Flickr, CC 2.0.
I am glad you recognize that chastity involves more than abstinence from intercourse, but there is a lot of wisdom in saving sexual arousal for marriage as well. The reason you hesitate to take this next step is that the connection between chastity and true love may still be hazy for you. Let’s take a look at the link between the two.
We all desire love, but in the words of Pope John Paul II, “Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love.”[1] He also said that “purity is a requirement of love.”[2] Why is this?
I think we can agree that it is easy to mistake physical intimacy for love. This is understandable, since physical intimacy has such a unifying power, which is an attribute of love. The problem is that lust also has a tendency to draw two people together. It is a counterfeit oneness that may be hard to distinguish from the real thing, especially if we have never known healthy intimacy before. The physical closeness seems to meet deep needs that may not have been filled elsewhere.
We all have a need to be loved, but some people stay in unhealthy relationships because it seems to bury the hurt and loneliness. This is where chastity comes in, because it alone has the power to differentiate between love and lust. For those who seek love, chastity is the answer.
Have you ever had a crush on someone and formed an idealized image of him, only to see a different person emerge when your emotions faded and reality set in? Was it the other person who changed, or was it you? He probably did not change at all. You just opened your eyes. Just as having a crush on a person clouds our objectivity, physical intimacy does the same. Personally, the more physical my relationships have been, the more difficult it was to judge their worth while I was in them. After a relationship ended, it was easier to evaluate how healthy the relationship was.
But while I was in it—and to the extent that we were physically involved—it was tough to recognize that it was not worth keeping. Frequently we do not want to look at a relationship objectively because we do not want to admit that it is not love. We do not want to lose the other person.
Whenever love is present, there is a desire to please the other. This is especially common in young women who want to please guys in order to win their affection. However, love sometimes demands that we refuse to please the other, because what the other finds to be pleasing is not what is best for him. You would agree that when you refuse to have sex with a guy, it does not mean that you do not love him. It just means that you love him more than he may be able to understand.
Without a clear standard of purity in a relationship, couples begin to experiment with physical intimacy. Initial intimacies become familiar, and the couple gradually push back the boundaries in a desire to find new levels of excitement and closeness. Before long all that is left is sexual intercourse. When a couple depend on physical pleasure to feel close to one another, they may not realize that they hardly know how to express love in other ways. In the long run the couple’s impatience for sexual oneness may contribute to their separation. They have deprived themselves of the opportunity to grow in love and thus to experience true joy.
Don’t feel you will miss out if you live chastity to the fullest. Sure, you will experience an initial loss of the physical union that you desire, but you move beyond this when you see the value of the other person and the benefits of a chaste lifestyle. In the end the only thing you miss out on is the empty counterfeit of love. While chastity is not the easiest choice, it is the best one.
To see how this works on a practical level, consider your options. A guy who does not intend to save sexual arousal for marriage will often approach a date as a formality to get through before the real “fun” can start. When a couple is striving for purity, the dates can be enjoyed as time spent getting to know each other. You are free to fall in love for all the right reasons. If you do not embrace chastity but still wish to remain a virgin, where does this leave you? You will become all revved up, only to slam on the brakes repeatedly. Not only is this unloving because it arouses desires that you cannot satisfy morally, but it also leads to sexual frustration.
Often a couple will share the gift of sexual arousal to feel closer, but they end up feeling alienated from each other and regretful. They would be much closer if they entrusted the relationship to God and made sacrifices together to glorify him. Love always involves struggle, so if they are both willing to be generous with God, this will create a union between their hearts that no illicit pleasure can match. Purity will become their superglue.
One man told me that the power of temptation rests on the deceptive promise that sin will bring more satisfaction than living for God. It is only God’s way that can satisfy us. In the words of Psalm 16:11, “You show me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy, in your right hand are pleasures for evermore.” We all desire happiness, but sin and happiness cannot live together. Sin is a counterfeit of happiness that brings with it shame and regret. On the other hand, sacrificial love brings true joy, and a life of virtue brings happiness. Try it and see.
You’ll come to see why the Church teaches that chastity defends love from selfishness.[3] Where there is selfishness, there is no love. Where there is no love, there is no joy or peace. No wonder Pope John Paul II said, “Chastity is the sure way to happiness.”[4]
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[1]. Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II), Love and Responsibility (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1993), 171, emphasis added.
[2]. Pope John Paul II, general audience, December 3, 1980. As quoted by Man and Woman He Created Them (Boston: Pauline, 2006), 325.
[3]. Pope John Paul II, apostolic exhortation, Familiaris Consortio 33 (The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World) (Boston: Pauline Books & Media, 1981).
[4]. Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II), Love and Responsibility, 172.
A poll in Rhode Island asked seventeen hundred students in grades six through nine if it is OK for a guy to force a young woman to have sex if the two of them have dated for six months or more. Two-thirds of the guys said that this was acceptable—and half of the girls did as well! 86 percent of the young men said that it was OK to rape your wife, and 24 percent said that it was OK to rape a date if you spent “a lot of money” on her.[1]
Modern culture tells us that if something feels good and we want it, we should have it. Go ahead. Gorge yourself. But when this mentality seeps into the minds of the youth, we end up with grade-schoolers who don’t see a problem with rape.
Are you willing to “accept” those students’ responses as those of “people having different values”? There is no doubt that times have changed since the Bible was written, but does the morality of an act depend upon where you live, when you live, or how many people agree with you? For example, if you created a time machine, how far into the future would you need to go in order for child abuse to become moral? If you went back in time and took a poll of Nazi guards, and the majority said that killing Jews was good, would that mean that we should be open-minded and accept their different values? Even today, if I were taken to court for shooting a clerk and shoplifting, do you think that the judge would be convinced of my innocence because I “just have different values”?
I hope you agree that no matter how times change, these acts will always be immoral. Why is it then that when we get to the sixth and ninth commandments (the ones regarding sexuality), people feel that morality is subjective and the Ten Commandments are multiple choice? Morality is objective, and a properly formed conscience can see this.
No one likes to be told that what he wants to do is wrong, but we are not the authors of right and wrong. We need to overcome the temptation to judge God’s laws by our standards and begin measuring our standards by his laws. We cannot construct our own private system of values. As Pope John Paul II said during the 1993 World Youth Day in Denver, Colorado: “Do not give in to this widespread false morality! Do not stifle your conscience.” Saint Paul also warned us that “the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own likings, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander into myths. As for you, always be steady, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfil your ministry” (2 Tim. 4:3–5).
Although our civilization has lost the sense of sin, God still takes sin seriously. Look at a crucifix. There on the cross is our answer. Sin is still sin, and for this reason Christ’s call to holiness applies for all times to every person on the globe. Christ makes demands on us precisely in the arena of sexual values. He asks much because he knows we can give much. We cannot dismiss our responsibilities by saying, “I gotta be me,” or, “Boys will be boys.” We will either glorify God or offend him by how we use the gift of our sexuality.
Ask yourself, “Do I really desire union with God?” If so, the quickest route is simple and humble honesty. Since God is truth, our union with him depends on whether or not we are willing to submit our lives to the truth. We must love the truth and desire it with every fiber of our being, regardless of how inconvenient it may be. In the words of Scripture, we must, “even to the death, fight for truth” (Sir. 4:28, NAB). This is the sincerity of heart that God longs to find in us.
One man noted, “There are few better tests for whether or not someone lives a life in submission to God than what he or she does with their sexuality. Sex is such a powerful and meaningful desire that to give it up and obey God in that area is a true sign of worship.”[2] As Jesus said in his agony in the garden, “Not my will, but yours, be done” (Luke 22:42). If we say that we love God but we still want to make up the rules when it comes to sexual desire, we have made pleasure our god. We should ask ourselves, “Am I willing to disregard God’s will in order to pursue mine, or am I willing to disregard my own will in order to pursue God?”
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[1]. J. Kikuchi, “Rhode Island develops successful intervention program for adolescents,” National Coalition Against Sexual Assault Newsletter, Fall 1988.
[2]. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries in Dating (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2000), 252.
To begin with, your sexual attraction toward women has been stamped into your heart by God, not by the devil. There is nothing sinful about being sexually attracted to a girl. It is normal and healthy. Do not feel guilty about sexual attraction because it is not the same thing as lust. Just because you have strong desires, this does not mean that you are impure.
Lust is a different matter because it is a conscious act of the will to allow your mind to imagine illicit sexual acts. Lust treats the person as an object—a thing to be used for your pleasure. Therefore it is a distortion of love, and it will never satisfy. Illicit sexual acts such as premarital sex—or deliberately imagining premarital sex—are always incomplete.
Jesus wants us to have the fullness of love and not sell ourselves short with lust. So he warned us that whoever looks lustfully at a woman has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matt. 5:28). By saying this, Jesus is not condemning us but is calling us. Work as Saint Paul did to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5).
In regard to what to do with tempting thoughts, I recommend what I have recommended elsewhere: If you have impure magazines, videos, and music, get rid of them. Become a man of prayer. Be patient with yourself. Impure thoughts are bound to come. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, and one thought at a time. Do not get overwhelmed. Purity of heart does not mean that you are never tempted and that you cease to be sexually attracted to others. Some people even think that they are pure just because they do not have strong desires or because they never had the opportunity to do something impure with a girl. This is not purity. To be pure requires an act of the will to love, not the absence of sexual desire.
One way to grow in purity is to be grateful for the beauty of women. Lust and true gratitude cannot coexist. So when you see an attractive woman, instead of thinking of her as a mere temptation, give thanks to God for making women so amazing. You could pray the words of Psalm 84, “How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord Mighty God!” How fitting, since every woman is a temple of the Holy Spirit, a dwelling place of God.
All beauty comes from God. Therefore, allow the beauty of every woman to remind you of the infinitely greater beauty that awaits you in heaven if you persevere in faith. By doing this you turn your heart toward God when you otherwise may be tempted to turn away from him. Now, I’m not recommending you gawk at a woman and offer a twenty minute prayer of thanksgiving, or you seek out gorgeous women for the sake of having more reasons to be thankful. Rather, be grateful for a woman’s beauty when you notice it, and then move on.
All that God asks is that you be faithful to him as he reveals himself to you in the present moment. He loves you and will give you the grace you need to maintain your purity. As you grow in control over your mind, you will have greater control over your body. “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Cor. 10:13).
It is understandable that a couple would want to lie down together. After all, who would not want to wake up next to their loved one? However, this kind of intimacy belongs only in marriage. To lie down with a woman in bed is marital. When we use the expression, “They slept together,” we usually are not thinking about sleep at all. But this phrase is used because the marriage bed is reserved for the marital act.
In Hebrews 13:4 we are told to keep the marriage bed undefiled. It is to be sacred, and this means it is to be set apart for holy use. The holy use that God has in mind is marital union. In your heart you know that this belongs in marriage, because if you knew that sleeping in the same bed with her was pleasing to God, you would not have asked this question.
If you want to save sex for marriage, sleeping in the same bed is not the best way to guard that commitment. Granted, you may not be having sex, but as Proverbs 16:18 says, pride goes before a fall. There is wisdom in avoiding occasions of sin and not trusting ourselves too much.
Promise each other that the next time the two of you share a bed, it will be as husband and wife. There is a time and a season for everything under the sun, and as difficult as it may be, purity calls you to make this sacrifice. After all, if the Lord calls you to marry her, you will have the rest of your life to fall asleep looking at her.
Imagine settling down with a beautiful wife one day and having a baby daughter. She looks just like your wife, and you are in love all over again. Now imagine the lyrics of the song you mentioned being sung about your little princess. Would you sing along? Would you download a copy of the song or blare it from the speakers in your car stereo? Odds are, you would shatter the CD or delete the song. If that is the case, why do we celebrate music that degrades the daughters of our heavenly Father?
Our answer? “Well, it sounds cool.”
I will grant that it is difficult to let go of music we like. Getting rid songs you enjoy may feel like an amputation. It is painful. At the beginning of my conversion, I had tons of music that I would not exactly sing in church. But I did not want to let go of it. It was “my” music, and I liked it. I figured, “I’m not a bad person because of it. I’m not going to go have a one-night stand after listening to it. I just like the music.” So I clung to it. But God has a funny way of asking for things that we do not want to give up.
I did not want to be fanatical about it, so I started by getting rid of my worst CD. There comes a feeling of peace when you know you are giving something up for the love of God. I eventually let go of one CD after another until my entire collection was purged. So give it a shot. Give him your worst, and he will give you his best.
A friend of mine once said, “If it’s not of God, then I don’t want anything to do with it.” Life for her was black and white, and all she cared about was glorifying God with the short amount of time he gave her on Earth. Saint John Vianney had the same outlook on life. In his words, “Here is a rule for everyday life: Do not do anything which you cannot offer to God.”[1] So if you know a song has parts that are displeasing to God and are likely to drag you down spiritually, listen to another song.
Better yet, take some time to listen to nothing. Because we live in such a technological age, it is difficult to discover the value of silence. For this reason Pope John Paul II recommended to young people that if they want to encounter Christ, “above all, create silence in your interior. Let that ardent desire to see God arise from the depth of your hearts, a desire that at times is suffocated by the noise of the world and the seduction of pleasures.”[2] By creating more room for silence in your life, you’ll find it easier to listen to God. And what he has to tell you is more valuable than anything.
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[1]. Thoughts of the Curé D’Ars, W.M. B., ed. (Rockford, Ill.: TAN Books and Publishers), 25.
[2]. Pope John Paul II, “Message for 2004 World Youth Day,” Vatican City (March 1, 2004).
I will give some specifics, but before I do, we should lay down a foundation. If we are asking how close to sin we can get girls, we are asking the wrong question. We need a change of heart. We need to start asking, “How close to God can I get her? How far can I go to lead this girl to holiness and guard her innocence?”
Until we have this transformation of our heart and will, it will be difficult to determine where to set the physical boundaries in a relationship. Also, whenever we operate with the “how far is too far” mentality, where do we usually end up? More often than not, we end up going right up to that boundary and inching it forward each time we visit it.
We need to remind ourselves that purity is not simply a matter of staying on one side of a line we have drawn. It is a battle for our hearts and minds as well as our bodies. Just because a guy has not crossed a line does not mean that he is pure. It may mean that he has never had the opportunity to cross it.
Anyway, here are a few guidelines for how you can know how far is too far. Whenever you are considering doing something with a girl, ask yourself if you would do that if her parents were in the room. Or imagine the expression on her dad’s face if he were to walk in on you. In our hearts we all know what is pure and pleasing to God. Let this sink in.
Often we get so involved in intense relationships that it is hard to sit back and look into our hearts. One young man said, “I heard somebody say that you can judge your own character by the things you do in private. I’d take that a step further and say you can judge your own character by the things you do with your girlfriend.”[1] Some people assume, “As long as I’m being a virgin, I’m being good.” They compare themselves with others who are sleeping around, and as long as they see the world from that perspective, they feel that they are right on track. Meanwhile, they give away bits of themselves in passing relationships, all under the pretense that their classmates or coworkers are worse.
Do yourself a favor: do not get technical about drawing a line at virginity and saying that all else goes. If you cannot decide if a particular action is “too far,” imagine your future bride or groom sharing that act with another person. If the thought of this makes you hesitate, listen to your conscience. Make decisions now that would bless the heart of your future spouse, not wound it. (And do not be quick to discuss the specifics of your prior experience with potential spouses; a lot of that information could do far more harm than good.)
So where does the line go? For starters, know that the line begins in your mind. As soon as you begin to lust after a girl, stop. In regard to physical lines, an easy guideline to remember is, “Don’t touch what you don’t got.” Also, I recommend no passionate kissing, kissing below the chin, or lying down together. That may seem extreme to some, but the more you become sensual and physical in a relationship, the more the relationship begins to revolve around that.
I will admit that this sounds a lot like no, no, no, and no, but think of it like this. There is a highway in California that runs up the coast. It is a gorgeous ride that takes you along the side of a sheer cliff that drops hundreds of feet to the ocean. Imagine that you were cruising along in your priceless sports car, and the passenger with you remarked, “Man, there is another one of those stupid guardrails. And look, another sign saying there is a sharp turn ahead. I hate how the California highway system inhibits your freedom and tells you what to do.” Odds are, you would not let the guy drive your car.
When we hear different moral laws about our sexuality, they are there for the same reason that guardrails and signposts mark a person’s drive along the Pacific Coast Highway. If you want to express your freedom as you drive off the cliff, you are free to do so. But the purity of your soul is worth much more than a car. The Church’s moral laws are there for our sake, so that we do not fall for counterfeit versions of love.
If you have tried everything else for years, try purity. You will not regret it. Each year I speak to over one hundred thousand teens about dating, sex, and relationships, and I have never met one who regretted what he or she did not do with a date. I have never had a girl come up to me in tears after a chastity talk because she did not sleep with her boyfriend. I have never had a guy confide in me that he was scared to death that his girlfriend was not pregnant. They regret what they have done, not what they have saved.
Imagine you were dating a beautiful young woman you hoped to marry, and she had never kissed anyone because she wanted only her husband to experience her kiss. What man would not be flattered by her integrity and purity? What man would send her away to go a little further with the other guys? If we would be so honored by her, why would we not want to make a woman feel honored in the same way?
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[1]. True Love Waits, “Interview with a Non-Virgin,” April 15, 2001.
Although I was not alive in the 1960s, I understand that at the time there was a big “free love” movement. Apparently it had one fatal flaw: the promoters of this sexual revolution had no idea what constituted freedom or love. The people assumed that if there were mutual feelings between two people, they should be free to have sex. I agree that we should be free to do whatever love calls us to do, but we need to make sure that it is love that is calling us.
It is easy to be moved by infatuation, loneliness, or lust and to mistake any of these for love because the feelings are so strong. Many people assume that if a couple has genuine feelings for each other and a strong desire to be sexually intimate, then they should be “free” to do whatever they wish, provided they both feel comfortable with it.
So if you deeply love a person, are committed to him, and see yourself marrying him, why can’t you express that in whatever way you want? After all, when you love someone, you desire union with him. I would say that as long as a couple only see themselves being together for life and can only talk about marriage, then they should only see themselves having marital relations in the future, within marriage. Until the reality of marriage is there, the expression of marital oneness is dishonest. Even if I reserve sexual arousal for a person I hope to marry, this does not make my actions moral. It just means I’m optimistic.
You mentioned that you wanted to get as close as possible to your boyfriend. Many young women suspect that physical intimacy will draw a guy closer to them, but this tactic often backfires. One girl said that, in her quest for pleasure, she was “painfully disappointed when I found only guilt instead of freedom, pain instead of love, and suffering instead of pleasure. Instead of drawing my boyfriend and me closer together, a sexual relationship only drove us further and further apart.”[1]
Perhaps the easiest way to find out if our actions conform to authentic love is to imagine God sitting on a nearby sofa watching us. If his presence would cause immediate shame or the desire to stop dead in our tracks, we need to ask ourselves why. If God is love, and we “really love” the other person, shouldn’t we be thrilled to have Love himself witness everything we do together? That awkwardness in our hearts is there because deep inside we know that our actions are not loving.
There are two essential elements of love. The first is the desire for union. (I would say you’ve got that.) The second and more important element of love is to desire what is best for the other, to desire God and heaven for him. It elevates the desire for union so that the two want to be together not for just a night but for eternity. Both elements must be present for love to exist. If I crave unity with a woman, but I do not desire her salvation, call it whatever you want, it is not love. After all, the purpose of foreplay is to prepare for sex. Since you’re not married and therefore not ready for sex, foreplay will only bring about greater temptations, not greater love.
If you are unsure whether a particular action could be sinful, then love demands that you refuse to go there. Suppose I put a teaspoon of powder into a cup of tea for my wife. I look at the bowl where I got the powder. It reads “sugar” on one side and “rat poison” on the other. Do I say, “Oh, it’s probably not poison. I’ll give it to her anyway”? If I loved her, then I would never do something that was possibly lethal for her. Similarly, even if I were not convinced that a particular action with her would be sinful, I would still avoid it if there were good reason to believe that it might be harmful to her soul. Since her soul is more important than her body, I should have all the more concern to protect her salvation.
Also, consider the heart of this guy’s future wife, in case you do not end up marrying him. I think that most sincere people who become physically intimate before marriage can see themselves marrying their partner. But most do not end up marrying each other. I have been in a few long relationships, and in each one marriage was a real possibility. In one case we were even trying on rings. The Lord had different plans for us. In fact, I went to her wedding, where she married a friend of mine! Watching them exchange vows and kiss at the altar made me take a deep look at the relationships I have had in my life. Take the same look, and honestly ask yourself if your actions are in any way defrauding the future bride of the guy you are dating.
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[1]. Josh McDowell, Why Wait? (Nashville, Tenn.: Nelson Book Publishers, 1987), 115.
If you are being called to marriage, then right now your future spouse is somewhere out there. Do you ever wonder what she or he is doing right now? Maybe he is running drills during basketball practice, or maybe she is laughing with friends at a coffee shop as they cram for a test. Suppose that he or she is elsewhere, namely at the house of a person who finds him or her attractive.
The parents are not home, and as you read this, that person is trying to talk your future spouse into having oral sex. If you could speak to the heart of your future spouse right now, would you say, “Oh, go ahead—just make sure you don’t go all the way, honey!” Probably not. You would also have some words for the other person, such as, “That’s my bride!” or “That’s the man who will be raising my children one day.” You would feel offended by what that person is trying to get from your future husband or wife.
One reason why oral sex is gaining popularity is because people think that it is a safe alternative to sex. Although you will not get pregnant from it, it is anything but safe. I once asked a microbiologist which STDs you could not get by means of oral sex. She replied, “I can’t think of any that you can’t get from oral sex (including HIV).” Sure enough, doctors today are seeing dramatic increases in cases of oral gonorrhea and herpes.[1] According to the International Journal of Cancer, cases of oral HPV (human papilloma virus) are reaching “epidemic” levels, [2] and now HPV is the leading cause of throat cancer.[3] Other forms of head and neck cancer can also be caused by orally transmitted HPV.[4] Oral sex is anything but safe.
Some people resort to oral sex so that they do not lose their virginity. Although you do not technically lose your virginity by having oral sex, it still robs you of innocence and puts you in situations where you could easily lose your virginity. It does not relieve sexual tension in a man but creates it and reinforces in him the myth that he has sexual “needs” that must be met, even at the expense of a woman’s dignity and innocence. The bottom line is that you don’t need oral sex to keep from going all the way. You need grace, courage, and self-respect.
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[1]. Karen S. Peterson, “Younger Kids Trying It Now, Often Ignorant of Disease Risks,” USA Today, November 16, 2000, 1D (www.usatoday.com).
[2]. Lalle Hammarstedt, et al., “Human Papillomavirus as a Risk Factor for the Increase in Incidence of Tonsillar Cancer,” International Journal of Cancer 119:11 (December 2006), 2622.
[3]. Gypsyamber D’Souza, et al., “Case-Control Study of Human Papillomavirus and Oropharyngeal Cancer,” The New England Journal of Medicine 356 (May 10, 2007), 1944–1956.
[4]. Lalle Hammarstedt, et al., 2620–2623; Justine Ritchie, et al., “Human Papillomavirus Infection as a Prognostic Factor in Carcinomas of the Oral Cavity and Oropharynx,”International Journal of Cancer 104:3 (April 10, 2003), 336–344; Rolando Herrero, et al., “Human Papillomavirus and Oral Cancer: The International Agency for Research on Cancer Multicenter Study,” Journal of the National Cancer Institute 95:23 (December 3, 2003), 1772–1783.
When it comes to sins of impurity, many people think, “If it’s a mortal sin, then I don’t want to do it. But if it’s a venial sin, then I don’t want to miss it!” We need to drop this minimalist idea that focuses on how much we can get away with before we offend God. Even the smallest sin divides, while purity ignites true love. Elisabeth Elliot wrote in her book Passion and Purity, “How shall I speak of a few careless kisses to a generation nurtured on the assumption that nearly everybody goes to bed with everybody? Of those who flounder in the sea of permissiveness and self-indulgence, are there any who still search the sky for the beacon of purity? If I did not believe there were, I would not bother to write.”[1]
I used to take for granted that everyone knew that making out is sexually arousing, especially for a guy. But I have met women who act surprised when they find out that a man is sexually aroused by passionate kissing (or before then). Making out is deeply unitive, since the penetration of one person into another is part of becoming one with him or her physically. This passionate kissing tells a man’s body that it should prepare for intercourse, and when a man is aroused, generally he is not satisfied until he is relieved.
Therefore, this type of kissing teases the body with desires that cannot be morally satisfied outside of marriage. For the couple that is saving sex for marriage, passionate kissing is like a fifteen-year-old sitting in a car in his driveway, revving up the engine while keeping the car in park because he knows he does not have the license to drive.
I believe that the moral problem with making out is harder for girls to understand, because they tend to be aroused sexually in a more gradual way than guys. If a woman’s arousal could be compared to an iron heating up, a guy’s could be compared to a light bulb. Sensual reactions in guys tend to be more immediate, and when the flame of sexual arousal is ignited, a man often wants to go further.
He might be content for some time with just kissing. But when a couple have passionate make-out sessions and try to draw the line there, one of two things will eventually happen: either the original boundaries will disappear, or frustration will set in. In the one case, sexual arousal will become routine, and the couple will begin to justify new forms of physical intimacy. Perhaps they will stop the first, second, or third time, but gradually the old boundaries will be pushed back because they begin to experience the intoxicating bonding power that God has in store for couples in marriage.
Otherwise, one of them may end up hearing the same thing this girl did: “My boyfriend and I don’t go any further than making out, but recently he said to me after we were kissing, ‘Don’t you ever just get . . . bored?”’
I often receive e-mails from abstinent couples who say that they really love each other and want to stay pure, but they keep falling again and again into the same sexual sins. They have stirred up that desire, and they are finding that such desires are not easily tamed once they are awakened. These couples want to sit on the fence and keep some sexual intimacy while avoiding going “too far.” But they’re realizing that men and women are not made to work that way. Angelic purity is easier to live out than 50 percent purity, because you’re not constantly teasing yourself.
Nevertheless, some say that passionate make-out sessions are no big deal and they don’t mean anything. But isn’t there something in you that wants it to be a big deal? The more of ourselves we give away, the less we value the gift of our body and our entire self (and people will respond by treating us with less respect as well).
Ask yourself what your kisses are worth. Are they a way to repay a guy for a nice evening? Are they a solution to boredom on a date? Are they a way to cover up hurts or loneliness? Even worse, are they merely for “harmless” fun? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we have forgotten the purpose of a kiss and the meaning of intimacy. So do not segregate parts of your sexuality as “no big deal.” Your entire body is an infinitely big deal, and this includes your kisses. If we realize this, the simplest of kisses becomes priceless and brings more closeness and joy than 100 one-night stands.
What happens to the unsuspecting teen is that the initial intimacy and excitement of a kiss is worn thin when he or she begins to give it away as if it’s a handshake. The profound meaning and depth of simple acts of affection are slowly lost. The world would like to tell us that we’re acquiring better dating skills, but we’re really just numbing ourselves.
So before you go there again, consider saving the passion for your bride or groom. Not only will your purity be a gift to your spouse, but it will make his or her affection seem more unique to you as well. In the long run this will bond the two of you much closer than all the “experience” the world recommends you have before marriage.
In high school, I didn’t think twice about this kind of kissing. I figured that other people were doing worse things, so it wasn’t that big a deal. Now I wish I had reserved such kisses for my bride, instead of dispensing them to girls I never saw again after graduation. But at the time I didn’t think about the future. I just looked at the classmates around me and figured that this was the way life was supposed to be. When my relationships matured and deepened and I began taking them to prayer, I gave up this kind of kissing because it would always ignite the desire to go further. It was also pushing other aspects of the relationship to the side. I knew in my heart that I could not say with confidence that this kind of intimacy was pleasing to God.
So I had a talk with a girlfriend at the outset of a relationship, and we agreed to sacrifice that. This was a huge blessing, and I was immediately able to see that the relationship was more holy and joyful. We were not perfect, but I saw for the first time that the more passionate kissing there was in my relationships, the less there was of everything else. This was not something I could understand until I gave it up.
I encourage you to give it a shot. Give up passionate kissing until you are married. Keep the affection simple. If you have a difficult time accepting this, then have the honesty to ask yourself why. If you could not make out with your boyfriend, would that hinder your ability to love him? Would not being able to kiss your girlfriend in this way hinder your ability to glorify God or to lead her to heaven? How much are our intentions directed toward our gratification, and how much to God’s glorification?
Simply put, sexual morality is about glorifying God with your body. The way you use your sexuality should reflect your love for God and should express the love of God to others. If an area seems gray, then do not go there. Do only those things that you confidently know glorify God.
If you struggle with this issue, take it to prayer. If you truly wish to know the will of God as it relates to purity, I know he will show you. You just have to sit still long enough to listen. Sure, this is difficult, but love is willing to sacrifice big things as well as small ones for the good of the beloved.
More and more often I hear of couples who save their first kiss for the wedding day. At first this sounded crazy to me, but then I noticed that they were not giving up kissing on the lips because it was evil or because they could not control themselves but because they cherished a simple kiss so much that they wanted God and the world to witness their first one. Their first kiss could be offered as a prayer.
With all this having been said, we should not be stuck on how close we can get to sin. When our hearts are right with God, we are concerned with what is truly pure and how we can glorify God with our bodies. We want every act of affection to be a reflection of the fact that he is first in our lives. Until that is the case, then we’ll have a terribly hard time discerning love from lust.
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[1]. Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Revell, 1984), 131.