Chastity

Promoting the Virtue of Chastity

Lisa Cotter

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What if I’ve Met The Right Person At The Wrong Time?

He’s in a disaster of a relationship with a real wretch. She recently went through a rough breakup and isn’t ready to start something new. They work together for a “no fishing from the corporate pond” company. These are the plot lines that Hollywood rom-coms are made of. And if you’re Catholic, we can throw in a few more….

In the past, his faith and values didn’t line up with yours, but things might be starting to change. She’s declared her intention to discern a religious vocation. He’s a 1st year FOCUS missionary on the dating fast. (I’d buy a ticket to see that last scenario dramatized with virtue on the big screen.)

However it comes about, few people get excited about meeting the right person at the wrong time…yet here you are. So, you do your best to keep Mister/Miss Right in the friend zone, and you try to get to know them without things turning romantic—but time gets the best of your heart and you find yourself longing for something more. Now what?

Simply put, give it to God.

“But I’ve done that,” you plead. Well, let me push you on this. Are you anxious about what the future holds? Are you afraid that you’re going to mess it up? Anxiety and fear are not of the Lord; if that’s where you are, I get it, but that means you haven’t really given it to God.

When you meet someone you’re attracted to, a sense of urgency often arises. You think if you don’t act now, then maybe you’ll miss your chance. But if there is a legitimate reason for you to hold off for now, then you’ve got to learn to trust in God’s plan for that potential relationship. 

1 Peter 5:7 reminds us to “Cast all [our] anxieties on Him, for he cares about [us].” Believe it. God does have a plan, and if you let him write your love story, it might not be what you were expecting, but it will be amazing. 

Waiting can be hard, but if you know that’s what needs to be done, then give it to God and focus on the duties that He is calling you to right now. Giving your best to your academic endeavors? Great. Growing in your faith life? Perfect. Striving to be a good friend, family member, and citizen? Winning. Couple this with prayer and frequenting the Sacraments, and you won’t need to fear that you will somehow mess it up. And you definitely don’t need to fear that God will mess it up:

God: “Great job trusting me with your love story and being faithful to me when I asked you to be patient. But while you were doing that, I introduced that amazing person to a real jerk and now you’ve missed your chance. Hilarious, I know!”

Yep, not gonna happen.

God’s not a jerk. He cares about you. He wants you to be happy even more than you want to be happy. Be faithful to Him and He will be faithful to you. If this person is really the person that you are meant to be with, God’s plan will win—and He will reveal to you when the wrong time has become the right time. Give it to God.

And because I can hardly write a post with out a pragmatic section, here are three ways to get you through the wait:

Pray about it, but not obsessively.

If you’ve given it to God, sometimes the best thing you can do is to leave it with God. You don’t need to keep reminding Him about in prayer… every day, every hour, every minute. Now you’re obsessing. As odd as it sounds, sometimes passing the intention off and letting go of it is better than rehashing it every day. You’ve told Jesus your need; now move on. He won’t forget it.

Don’t mentally stalk them.

If your mind is filled with thoughts and dreams of this person whom you can’t pursue at this time, you will only set yourself up for failure in the waiting category. Focus on the here and now and live for today.

Be their brother or sister in Christ.

It would probably be awkward if you suddenly cut off all communication with this person and ignored them for the unforeseeable future. So in the meantime, treat them like you would any other male or female friend and do your best to stop seeing them as a potential date.

Finally, don’t rule out the idea that maybe the right time will never come along. Perhaps it is God’s Will for this person to enter a religious order. Maybe given time, you’ll realize that you are actually not a match made in heaven. Be open to that reality and thank God for revealing His Will to you, in His time and in His perfect way.

Be saints—it’s worth it!

_______________________

lisacotterLisa Cotter and her husband Kevin have been a FOCUS family for the past 5 years. Currently she serves as the Family Liaison, a position in which she strives to connect FOCUS’ over 100 wives across the country. She is a proud graduate of Benedictine College where she received degrees in Religious Studies and Youth Ministry and later served as a Resident Director while Kevin served as an on-campus missionary. She is a national speaker as well as a video presenter for YDisciple Leader. In reality, she spends most of her days playing with her young children and trying to avoid laundry. Lisa is not currently on Twitter and her Facebook account has been disabled. You can connect with her by telegraph or Pony Express.

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Emotional Chastity: Is That Even a Real Thing?

Marc Barns of Bad Catholic recently wrote a post that included his dislike of the phrase “emotional chastity.” I read the article. I read the comments. I thought about commenting. Then I decided to just write an entire post. As someone who gives talks on what one would consider the topic of emotional chastity, I couldn’t help but respond to clarify a few things on the concept.

First off let me state that I, myself, am not a fan of the phrase “emotional chastity.” I remember the first time I heard it and thought “That’s stupid.” I try not to use it when I speak and only use it when I write for SEO purposes because if someone is interested in the topic, the phrase they are going search is “emotional chastity.” When put together the words emotional and chastity don’t really make sense, so yes Marc, I’m with you. In fact it wasn’t what Marc said that initiated this post, rather it was reading through the comments. I was struck by the fact that some people seem to think that the concept which the Catholic buzz phrase “emotional chastity” is trying to convey is a made up idea that holds little to no value in the life of a Catholic.

**Enter the point of this post with a brief explanation of why this topic is important and real.**

In his book Love and Responsibility, Pope Saint John Paul II explains that there are two types of attraction, sensual attraction and sentimental attraction. He details that sensual attraction is related to the material value of a person, or what we find physically attractive about them, while sentimental attraction relates to the non-material value of a person, or what we find emotionally attractive about them. Both of these types of attraction can spark in us the instant we meet someone or grow with time, and they both are necessary for attraction to turn into authentic love.

Neither type of attraction is bad. It can be good, healthy, and normal for a person to find another person physically or emotionally attractive. The problem arises when these types of attraction are not directed by the virtues and run the risk of turning into use. As Christians we often address how we can use each other for physical pleasure, but what we don’t address is how we can use each other for emotional pleasure. At some point “emotional chastity” became the chosen buzz phrase for this issue, a lack of virtue in the realm of sentimental attraction.

I can agree that some have made the term too broad, which has led to confusion about a topic that is already confusing due to the various interpretations of the term. The virtue of physical chastity is needed to order sensual attractions, whoever came up with this phrase “emotional chastity” was trying to find a counterpart for sentimental attractions.

So why did the trendy phrase “emotional chastity” take when “using the virtue of prudence when considering the sentimental side of your interactions with the opposite sex” didn’t? Because the average Catholic teen or young adult might tell you that prudence is the name of their great-great-grandmother, and if you are lucky they might remember that she used to say that “patience is a virtue.”  “Emotional chastity” was simply a phrase that most people could relate to, perhaps a weak one, but one that didn’t require a course in Christian Morality to begin to grasp.

In the end, here is where it all comes together for me, and why these two types of attractions are related and important to consider. Where our hearts go, our bodies want to follow. If our emotions are saying, “I love this person, I want to give everything to them and be as close to them as I can,” then our bodies will want to manifest these emotions in a physical way. In its proper place (marriage) this is a good thing, but outside of marriage, broken hearts follow. If we want to be physically chaste, we need to begin by being emotionally… prudent.

So fine, let’s stop trending the phrase “emotional chastity,” but let’s not stop talking about how to properly order our sentimental attractions toward the good so our relationships can grow into true, authentic love.

______________________________

lisaLisa Cotter is a nationally sought after speaker on the topics of dating, marriage, motherhood, and femininity. While balancing sound theology with humor and practical insights, Lisa inspires audiences of all ages. Her work has been featured by Lighthouse Catholic Media, YDisciple, and The Chastity Project. She is a graduate of Benedictine College, where she earned degrees in Theology and Youth Ministry. Since 2007, she and her husband, Kevin, have served FOCUS as a family. When Lisa is not speaking, she is busy playing with her three young children and trying to avoid laundry. To schedule Lisa for an event, visit focus.org/lisa.

 

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